231. Some Fun, an Ending, the Future.

Kayla and Michaud broke up.  More on that in a bit.  That build-up and ultimate break up led to a lot of conversation between Mike, Kayla, and I about her relationship with us. I thought I’d provide you a peek into that discussion.  But before I do, here’s some other Kayla-related news and some details on the break up.

SOME FUN – MIKE AND KAYLA
Mike had a business trip last week and Kayla went with him.  It was in a nearby city so they drove — it was just far enough that it didn’t make sense to drive back and forth for two days.  They left Wednesday evening and while his business was wrapped up by Friday, they stayed an extra evening and drove back Saturday afternoon. 

It was nice to have the house to myself during the day.  I was hoping for more internet time but Mike gave me a few projects that took up a lot of my time.  When I did have some “me” time, I spent it relaxing — ahem, masturbating.  I do that anyway – but let’s just say it was some extended “me” time!

SELF-SPANKING MAINTENANCE
Mike was gone during our Thursday maintenance so we Skyped it.  Mike had me give myself a spanking — that’s new.  It was part comical and felt odd.  After some trail and error I found the perfect implement — it hurt way more than I thought!  Mike didn’t have any count in mind and I was able to stop once he felt my butt “looked” the right shade of pink to him. 

It’s weird but I actually felt a tinge of embarrassment.  That was extremely surprising to me because one, I don’t embarrass easily, and two, especially not when it comes to anything I do with Mike.   This feeling didn’t disappoint me – it excited me.  Feeling a little embarrassed made me feel very submissive.

Mike was very thoughtful in that he had Kayla go down to the pool during our Maintenance Session.  He knows I like our sessions to be intimate, in terms of no Kayla or other people to distract us.  A time to focus on us, our relationship, our dynamic.  I didn’t ask him to excuse Kayla, but I did thank him for doing so.

MY THOUGHTS ON MIKE AND KAYLA
I like Mike and Kayla having “couple” time of their own.  I mentioned before we alternate “date nights” with Mike each weekend.  I know it has to sound weird to a lot of you, but I enjoy sharing Mike with Kayla.  It fills me to see Mike having the capacity to love her in ways you would love a girlfriend, even a spouse.  I don’t see it subtracting from his love for me in any way.

It also fills me to see Kayla so happy with him.  I know there is quite an age difference (26 years!) but Kayla is so visibly in love with him.  I’ve written before about how Kayla has always been attracted to older people…whether it be friends or lovers.  Although granted, it has typically been 5-7 years older, not 26.   That’s why her relationship with Michaud was unique.  He is just two years older than Kayla.

Oh, and of course, as far as unique goes, there is the whole she-is-submissive-to-Mike, in-a-poly-relationship-with-us, and most recently Michaud-has-another-girlfriend.  Yeah, perhaps those things make it a little bit unique as well.  lol. 

AN ENDING – SPEAKING OF MICHAUD
They officially broke up!  I don’t take any gratification in the fact that I saw it coming.   Kayla simply realized that the more she was with him,  the more she wished she was back home with us –  or as she put it, “doing something with her family.”

I think he is a nice guy, and that “niceness” caused him to want to keep trying (he didn’t want to break up), but, per Kayla, it was wearing on him and it showed in his demeanor.  Kayla understands and doesn’t blame him, and she isn’t going to apologize for it as she feels she was 100% honest with him from the start.  He could have balked but clearly he was intrigued with her and that intrigue has worn off.  So, they parted – amicably.

THE FUTURE – KAYLA’S FUTURE
The end of her relationship with Michaud and her soon finishing up her first year of grad school has us thinking about our future.  I believe what has made our relationship work is that we spent a lot of talking about it at the beginning (wow, it’s been about 15 months).  We were all very comfortable and “calibrated” regarding our feelings and desires.  We were overdue for a “calibration” check.

The conversation basically started with, “What are we to each other?”  It is easy enough for Mike and I, as husband and wife.  Nothing has changed there. But what of Kayla to Mike and to me, and us to her?

I won’t go into detail on the many conversations – most with the three of us but some with just any combination of two of us — and the countless conversations with myself in my mind, ha!  The simplest summation is that they were filled with love.  Mike and I truly love Kayla, and she loves us.  She feels like we are her family and we feel she is a part of our family.   There just aren’t labels that exists that relate to her family status.

I took a daring step in asking this question. “If plural marriages were legal, would Mike and Kayla get married?”  We were all in agreement that the answer, at least for now, would be no.  Kayla has so much ahead of her and in many ways our age difference would preclude her from experiencing things she should experience, free from a formal  attachment to us.  Our attachment, our love… just doesn’t need such formality.

And of course, Kayla added, “And why just wonder about marrying Mike.  In this ‘what if,’ I could marry Jen too, couldn’t I?”  Certainly, in this ‘what if’ we can imagine anything.  Her point was, she loves both of us and we both love her.

KAYLA IS OUR GIRLFRIEND
And speaking of labels, Kayla is now referring to Mike as her boyfriend, and both Mike and I refer to Kayla as our girlfriend.  Mike is waiting for the day someone says, “Wait, I thought you said you were married.”   I am sure that is coming (we thought it would on this business trip as he had dinner planned with a business associate and Kayla was going to attend.  The associate had to cancel as they weren’t feeling well so Mike didn’t get the opportunity to try out the “girlfriend” intro.).

Kayla said she really loves the fact we are now open about our poly relationship.  At the time she didn’t think it really mattered to her.  She always understood and agreed with why it should be private.  But once we opened up, she was surprised by how much more valued it made her feel.  She said she never felt devalued before, but clearly, being open about it has meant something to her.   She just never expected it thus never gave it any thought, but clearly, it means a lot to her. 

FUTURE?
She said her family (us) means more to her than anything right now.  She is open to dating if the right person came along, man or woman, but can’t imagine a set of circumstances that would work for her.  She has another year before she has to seriously think about what’s next.  For her immediate future, she wants to focus on her submission and on us.  While she doesn’t regret dating Michaud, she feels it took “the edge” off her submissive mindset.  

As for a longer term future, one narrative in her mind is she finds a job in this town and continues to live with us.  We are all welcoming of this.  Another is she finds a job in another town and has to move away.   While this one comes with some sadness, we are also excited by it as well.  We feel it is important that she spread her wings and has time “adulting” on her own – this may be her last opportunity for that in her lifetime.  After that time, if it leads her back to us, great!  If it doesn’t, great as well. 

We all are in agreement that her path needs to be hers and packed with various life experiences that fulfill her not just today, but set her on a path of a lifetime of fulfillment. 

A POLY COMING OUT!!
Tomorrow T2 is home and we will be “coming out” regarding our dynamic as well as inviting him to meet E’s family.  Oh – and Kayla wants to tell her parents about us as well.  We have reservations but are supportive of her doing so.

NAKED PREVIEW
Also, I got to experience a bit of what meeting E’s family will be like.  Her cousin, cousin’s husband and three kids, visited her and we got to meet them.  Yes, they are naturists. More on that on another post.       

Next. 232. Our Final “Outing”  

184. This, That, and Sex, Sex, and more Sex

Several different topics I thought I’d update you on.

DISCIPLINE – JEN
I’ve been disciplined a few times recently (other than what I shared), but not worth writing about in detail.  Sorry.  I don’t intend to share every disciplinary action.   But I did want to share a few things in general that I felt were noteworthy.

Mike said he was going to pick up the intensity and he has delivered.  Ouch!   In hindsight I think he was right in that the level of discomfort I was getting might have been insufficient for them to serve as a consistent deterrent (as perhaps evidenced be the tea incident).  At the time I didn’t think they were insufficient, but given the intensity of what I received lately, I definitely feel extremely deterred to disobey.   My butt and breasts have been very red and even bruised from the couple of recent disciplining I received. 

SUBMISSIVE MINDSET
Other than a few mishaps, I am doing extremely well with my added duties and obligations.  I feel I have achieved the submissive mindset I was searching for.  Not that it is a final destination – I know I must work to maintain it and events in life can still threatened that mindset.  But, I really believe I consistently feel submissive and not just act submissive.  My thoughts are constantly on how I can better serve Mike and be a better wife, lover, and mother.  This “submissive mindset” is something I wrote about yearning for in Post 148. Dom/Sub Therapy Session.   

In my first two Thursday Maintenance Sessions I honestly had no “unsubmissive” thoughts to report.  My mind has been highly focused on Mike – his needs, his desires.  And while my attention has to be on other things at times, namely our son, my duties and obligations are always top of mind.  And it has been effortless.  Sort of a switch just went off and there it was, the focus I was looking for.   “Focus” is actually not a good word, because I don’t work at it. . . I don’t “focus” on it.  It just is.  It is just my mindset.

Even though I had nothing “unsubmissive” to report, I still receive the maintenance spankings and they have been whoppers.  Last Thursday I was a bit in knots in anticipation prior to the session as I knew what I was in for spanking-wise.  It is another one of those things that is hard to describe – the anxiety over what is to come becomes part of the pleasure once it does come.  Can’t explain it.  Must be a sub thing.  

DISCIPLINE – KAYLA
Things are all good between us.  The sex is frequent and fun, Mike’s D/s relationship with Kayla is going well.  Kayla feels very good about what she is getting from Mike.  I mentioned before their dynamic is a little different from Mike and I.  Even with the changes from our current Contract, Mike is much more strict and stern with her than he is with me.

It is uncommon, but not unheard of, for me to spank Kayla.  Typically I text Mike if she does something disobedient and await his instructions.  He might instruct me to discipline her on his behalf or he may indicate he will address it when he gets home.  When instructed to spank her, I also have to send him pictures of her butt to show him the results.  He may tell me to spank her more if what he sees is not to his liking. 

I don’t have a problem spanking her.  There was a time I found it interefered with my submissive mindset, but I’ve got past that.  I think I mentioned before that when I spank her, I really identify with and focus on her.  Her vulnerability, her submission, her shame.   To the extent I think about what I am doing, I think of it in the context of doing it for Mike because it is what he commanded.  All of this results in me being fine with spanking her and I can still maintain a submissive mindset. 

SEX – MIKE, JEN & KAYLA
Sex-wise, while Mike and I have plenty of sex, so do Kayla and Mike, especially oral.  Mike loves it, of course, but as I mentioned before, so does Kayla.  I’ve never known a woman who loves to suck cock as much as her.  I’ve also shared before that Kayla occasionally has an orgasm just over sucking Mike.  If J isn’t home, it is pretty typical for me to walk in with Kayla on her knees going at Mike, whether it be in the kitchen, while he sits and watches television, or is in his office working.

Most nights the three of us sleep together, but we still have designated “alone time” with Mike.  Kayla sleeps in her room and I get Mike alone, or I sleep in Kayla’s room and she gets Mike alone.  We don’t have set days for this anymore (Post 107).  It is just up to Mike to tell us what (or more accurately, “who”) he wants.

Mike choosing is a very casual thing.  He will simply tell me, “Jen, I want to sleep alone with Kayla tonight so you’ll sleep in her room tonight.”  And that is that.  I simply say “Yes, Sir.”  He does the same in telling Kayla when he wants to just sleep with me.  I am perfectly fine with this as I want him to have whomever he wants sexually.

There are times when we all sleep together where Mike will tell one of us to just masturbate and watch.  Other times he will tell us what he wants us all to be doing to each other.  And there are times he just let’s whatever happen, happen, no instructions.  Lastly, sometimes he will ask me or Kayla what we want.  

I am free to discuss any concerns I have about sex or anything else.  Such discussions are part of the purpose of our Sunday Maintenance Sessions.   It has been a long time since I shared concerns, questions, or asked Mike to clarify anything regarding sex.  Mike and I are fully “calibrated” on this topic – at least for now.   

SEX – JEN AND KAYLA
We probably have one-on-one sex with just the two of us about once a week.  Some weeks maybe a couple of times, or perhaps a full week without any times.  Just depends on schedules, what needs to be done around the house or with other errands, studying she needs to do, and of course, the all important mood.   Sometimes you just aren’t feeling it.

The most common situation for us to have sex lately is in the living room.  Chores all done, nothing to do but relax.  We are typically naked as is our house rule when J is at school.  She will cuddle up in my arms and we will watch something on t.v.   This may lead to some kissing, caressing, and before you know it — well, fingers and/or tongues are going in places.

SEX – JOHN AND DONNA
I haven’t written about them in a long time.  We still see them frequently, but perhaps a little less so.  Just busy schedules and other things always seem to be coming up.  Mike typically goes over to watch football on Sundays ((Post 69. Hot Dog…).  A few times I’ve gone with him, sometimes Kayla and not me, and sometimes neither of us.

There is still a “house” rule at John and Donna’s that Kayla and I must be topless once we enter (assuming no other guests are present).  And Donna is also topless.  There is usually some amount of “play” that goes on.  Oral sex or just plain old sex, in any combination of m/f, f/f, m/f/f, you can think of.  You just never know but it is always fun.  We haven’t had an evening out with them in many months, perhaps soon?  Neither Mike or John have had a business trip in a while and there’s been no sleep overs in awhile.    

A lot of this is due to there not being a lot of overt opportunities to get together.  I am sure the opportunities are there if we made an effort to make it happen.  But it is nice to be in this “effortless” space with them where, if it happens, it happens.  No expectations, no commitments.  Just great friends with whom we have some sexual fun with whenever the moment is ripe.  It also fits in with Mike’s demands that we slow down ((Post 146. Slow Down!).  While not intended to be aimed at John and Donna, Mike ordered that we don’t aggressively pursue more “relationships” such as via FetLife.  Our cups are full!  No need to over fill them.

Which is a great segue into my next post, because there is a new wrinkle in the “relationship” front.  While not totally unexpected, it poses some new concerns that we have to address.

NEXT: 185. Kayla’s Plus One

127. About Compersion, Sex, and Change

Two posts in one day!  A few more things to catch you up on that are changes from stuff I previously shared, and then I think I will wax poetically in reflection.  Okay, probably more like a self-indulgent prosing on of my life, but whatever.  Suffice to say, I am likely gonna’ share some stuff and ramble esoterically.  

Update to Nighttime Routine
I shared before that we had a bedtime routine (108. Our “normal” evenings) where Kayla sleeps with Mike and me from Monday through Wednesday, and Mike sleeps with Kayla in her bed on Thursdays, and then with me in our bed from Friday to Sunday while Kayla sleeps alone.

We’ve changed that up.  Kayla only sleeps alone on Sunday’s, and on Monday’s she gets Mike by himself.  The rest of the week we all share the bed. And, instead of Mike going to sleep in Kayla’s bed, Kayla comes to our bed and I sleep in her bedroom by myself.

I mentioned before that originally I asked Mike to sleep in Kayla’s room on nights she had alone time with him as I wanted to stay in our bed.  My feeling at the time was that the bed represented something that was mine.  I know it sounds irrational.  Yes, sure, have sex with my husband in your room while I sleep alone in my room.  That’s totally cool!  But, you can’t have it in my room while I sleep in yours!  

I think it was an insecurity thing.  Whatever it was, Mike was agreeable and that was that, he would sleep in her room. Something eventually clicked in me where I saw the silliness of it all and told Mike that he should stay in our bed (it’s bigger and more comfortable) and Kayla and I would just swap rooms for her nights.  

I think the change for me was that a part of me felt threatened by her and that part no longer feels that way.  I look at her as part of Mike and I, and I don’t feel “less than” anytime she does something that puts her in a position of attention or special treatment from Mike, even if that attention or treatment comes at the expense of my own attention or treatment from Mike.   I love Mike and I love being with him any and all times. And I also love Kayla, and I know having one night together alone with Mike is special to her (because I get such a night myself and it is special to me).  I also know Mike enjoys it.  Ultimately, I don’t want to deny or minimize their night together by forcing it to be different, thus, I offered to sleep in her room on her nights with him.  

I get a triple dose of pleasure.  One dose is in the feeling of compersion that fills me when Mike is enjoying Kayla’s company, whether sexual or not.  The other is in that same feeling over Kayla enjoying Mike.  And the last dose is from doing something that submits to Mike’s enjoyment over mine.  

WHO HAS THE MOST SEX WITH MIKE?
Sister 2 asked me if Mike has more sex with Kayla than with me.  The answer is, he has a whole lot of sex with both of us, but overall, more with Kayla.  This shocked her and of course required an explanation for how I reconciled that in my mind.

Truth is, until she asked I hadn’t thought about it.  It simply was what it was.  It also depends on what you define as “sex.”  She certainly gives him way more head than me.  She really loves fellatio and admits to it, and she loves swallowing.  It really turns her on as she looks at it as a significant sign of submission.  She even sometimes has an orgasm while giving head – something I’ve never done.  I like giving head, she LOVES it. Of course Mike loves it too, so, why should I feel bad about letting the two of them do something they love?    

It has become sort of blasé.  I’ve walked into a room many times to find her on her knees going at it.  Or sometimes I am already in the room and Mike makes some subtle gesture to her and she promptly goes to town on him.  It can be in the middle of watching a show or even in the middle of a conversation we are having.  

Prompted by my sisters questions, I asked Mike and Kayla if they thought they had more sex together than Mike and I do.  They agreed that Kayla probably has more, but you have to put “more” in the right context.  Mike and I have a lot of sex.  It is not like we have it once a week and Mike and Kayla have it daily.  It is more like Mike and I have it 10-15 times a week and Kayla has it 15-20. (yes, Mike’s a busy guy!).  And again, I am putting all sexual acts under the category of “sex” and not just penis/vagina penetration.  

Suffice to say I am not left wanting.  Kayla is younger and has more sexual energy, and Mike loves it, so, let them have however much they want.  One thing that came from our discussion was that Mike observed the sex with Kayla is a bit rougher.  More from behind, more aggressive, more loud.  His comment was no surprise to any of us and Kayla and I agreed!  I’ve seen it and heard it plenty as most of the time I am there or nearby when they have sex.    

While a lot has changed since first embracing DD two years ago, and since Kayla moved in three months ago, the one thing that has not changed is that I enjoy the vulnerability of it all.  I’ve talked vulnerability before in 67. An Esoteric Ramble.  I re-read that post and all of that is still true.  I believe that greater vulnerability has led to even greater fulfillment which in turn has led to one significant change in our DD.  As I mentioned at the end of my last post, it is less about “Jenny style” and more about Mike.

When I first set about my DD journey, it was all about me and what I wanted.  In one of my early posts I wrote about it as being a surrender of myself, but a surrender on my terms. That is true.  Over time I found my greatest fulfillment was in doing things where Mike would ad-lib.  That is, he did things that were not explicitly permitted in our Contract. The contract allows him lots of discretion, but it also spelled out some specific things.  So it was really more about him using that discretion within the spirit of the Contract, versus doing something that was not allowed.   At first he was reluctant to show much discretion and tried to keep within the things that were explicitly agreed upon in advance.  In hindsight that was a very good thing as I don’t know if I was ready for much “discretion.” But over time he came to understand what I wanted and needed, as well as what he wanted and needed.  He has slowly showed more discretion and I am ready to serve him at his complete discretion now. 

Now, while our contract is not up for another year, I am already thinking ahead.  I know that our next version will be far more focused on what he wants than what I want.  We don’t have to wait for a contract to make that happen, but I’ve found that putting things down on paper help serve as cement on your own commitments.  It’s like the fact you don’t have to always tell your loved ones that you love them, but it sure goes a long way when you do!

In looking back on my DD journey I feel that all along I was on a path towards a greater submission to Mike, but Kayla has helped speed up my pace along that path.  Watching her submit and watching Mike be more of a Master than simply a Dom, has really excited me. While I don’t want the things that Kayla wants, I do want some of those things.  

Kayla is all-in on submitting to Mike.  Her latest contract was very short.  There wasn’t really much beyond her preamble of “I serve you and all your desires, no matter how silly, strange, or dark they may be.  I am at your command to do whatever, whenever, and with or to whomever, that you order.”   She had a few hard limits stated, but not many. 

I discovered that I was way more turned on than I thought when I watched Mike be Dominant, and there was some of that Dominance that I wanted directed at me.  I’ve shared this with Mike (as I share every thought and desire) and he has accommodated.  I guess in that way it is still DD Jenny Style, but that style is now based more on Mike’s whim.  I love that!  

NEXT: 128. Transforming through Journaling