Tag Archives: sexuality

368. Passive-Aggressive vs Aggressive-Aggressive: Chelsea Update

Figured I’d close the loop with you all on what happened/is happening with Chelsea. As shared in several posts, she stayed with us for while as her husband worked on out-of-town job. (Post 357, Post 358, and Post 359).

I am sharing this in part because I find it fascinating and I think others might relate to bits and pieces of this. Even if you don’t, it may satisfy the voyeur in you that likes to peer into the lives of others.

Her time with us was full of personal revelations for her as I detailed in 359. There was one revelations that was not on the list as she didn’t come to it until later in her visit. That is, she realized she had a lot of controlling behaviors when it came to how she treated her husband, Jaime.

She is controlling, but not in a “tell him what to do” sort of way. She tries to control how he feels about her and how he reacts to her. She is submissive in that she likes to be under his guidance and be told what to do and have to meet his expectations. But even with that, she still wants control over his reactions to her. She wants to be recognized as nice, loving, and caring. Of course, who doesn’t? But for her, it creates two sets of consequences.

One, when she doesn’t get the reaction she wants, she sulks, she misbehaves, and her body language is disapproving. She is likely to start a debate about something he asks of her. Simply, she undermines the dominance she wants from him.

The second consequence of her actions is that it causes Jaime to become uncertain, hesitant, and insecure about whether he is “doing it right” as far as being the Dom she desires. Jaime is a bit shy and reserved by nature. When Chelsea does something he perceives as a rejection or challenge to his role, he backs off from the responsibilities of that role. And in turn, that cascades into several other consequences.

His backing off means Chelsea doesn’t get the consistency she wants from him. In frustration, Jaime has turned to Mike to provide that consistency. I’ve shared before that Mike has become the surrogate Dom to Chelsea and often administers her discipline. And as Mike observed, it was causing both of them to become more passive-aggressive towards each other. Effective communication was breaking down in the process.

One of the things I’ve observed in Mike is that when it comes to communication with me or with Kayla, it is aggressive-agressive, not passive-aggressive. And I don’t mean it as “aggression.” There is no hostility or anger. I mean it in the way aggressive means decisive, clear, assertive, unambiguous, with clearly stated, and more importantly, clearly understood, intentions.

For example:

Passive Aggressive: “Isn’t that a lot of makeup?”
Aggressive-aggressive: “I don’t want you wearing so much make up.”

Sure, aggressive-aggressive is controlling. That’s what D/s is full of. But it is not passive-aggressive. Aggressive-Aggressive is about taking the wheel and driving right to your destination. Passive-Aggressive is hinting and mumbling about your desired destination, and then whining and resenting it when you don’t arrive there.

Chelsea realized that while she still thrives at being submissive, she needs explicit words of encouragement and appreciation from Jaime. All it took was sharing that with Jaime and Jaime was like, “Yeah, I can do that, because I am amazed by you and all you are willing to do for me. ”

Funny, she had fewer reservations about asking Jaime to be spank her and bring Domestic Discipline into their marriage than she did about simply admitting to him she needed more words of encouragement from him. Humans!

It might be easy to blame Jaime for not being more outwardly supportive. But he tends to be a person of few words, and it is just not his demeanor to verbally praise. It reminds me of something I posted several years ago – Post 158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline. As well as what is in the two posts right after that one, 159. Follow the Leader. and 160. I’ll take you to my Leader. as well as the post right after that one.

That “Golden Rule” is: Make sure you both recognize the efforts and performance of the other. For the Dom, it means giving praise.  For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

Since Chelsea has returned to Jaime, Mike continues to check in with them almost daily. They have both made an effort to work on this issue and apparently it is paying dividends. They both report a new energy and connection in their marriage.

HOWEVER, this post just talked of this newer epiphany regarding Chelsea realizing the impact of her controlling behavior mixed with Jaime’s reserved personality. What of the other realizations Chelsea had as I previously shared?

Her sexuality? She said she really wants Jaime in her life and as her husband, but she would love an open marriage with a third like what I have. And she feels very in love with Kayla. Kayla enjoys Chelsea company and considers her her best friend, but the “love connection” is not 100% mutual. And Kayla told her she is not interested in being their “third” as she is committed to our relationship. But, as ours is an open relationship, that doesn’t mean Kayla can’t be a “friend with benefits.” And for now, that is how that stands. Chelsea shared her feelings with Jaime and reassured him she has no intentions of leaving him – ever. And her desire for a relationship with a woman would always be within the context of their marriage and whatever Jaime would allow.

Chelsea feels relieved to have shared this with Jaime and for Jaime to have accepted it. She said she thinks some of her passive-aggressive tendencies was her trying to suppress or keep her strong feelings about this issue to herself.

I won’t go point-by-point through the remaining realizations shared in those other posts about Chelsea. But, to sum them all up —

While not completely gone, she is definitely on the road to reconciling every one of those issues and doing so with Jaime’s love and support. It’s amazing what 100% transparent communication and allowing yourself to be fully VULNERABLE to your mate can do for a relationship, especially when that vulnerability is reciprocated.

And if by chance it isn’t reciprocated or that the “full you” is not appreciated. . . well, isn’t that an invaluable thing to learn about your mate? It may hurt, but it hurts a lot less than a lifetime of negative behaviors and being unfulfilled.

338. Jen, just shut up already!

338
This is my last post. . . .

 

talking about my hiatus!  lol.  

Gotcha!

Of course, I am going to keep blogging!  I am too into me to stop!  There’s plenty of domestic discipline debauchery to dole out to you  – at a slower pace.  It’s just that I had an epiphany that helped me understand what I think was at the core of my lack of motivation to blog.  And that realization has actually helped increase my interest in blogging again.  

SEEK TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE BEING UNDERSTOOD
In the past, I couldn’t wait to write about a blogworthy topic that popped in my head.  Now?  Meh.  In a prior post I shared reasons behind the multi-month respite and slower pace of blogging.  But recently I came to realize there was another reason, a more compelling and powerful reason than what I previously stated.

I’ve always been a bit of a loudmouth, quick to share my thoughts about any topic.  You’d think I would have been an awful guidance counselor, but I behaved differently in a clinical setting.  I was good with the open-ended questions to help people “find their truth” or reconcile some internal conflict.  But I’ve always been quick to share what’s on my mind outside of that setting.  There is a mantra of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   I love this saying, but I rarely followed it.

When we adopted Domestic Discipline almost 5 years ago, it was one of the things I wanted to improve about myself.  I knew reigning in my reflex to demand to be heard would help make me a better wife, mother, sister, friend, you name it.   My blog became one place where I didn’t have to reign that it.  I could go on a rant about anything at any time, such as An Esoteric Ramble, or a politically fueled, We Are Not Okay, But We Will Be.

It was my interactions on the site I mentioned in the last post, Sister’s in Submission,  that woke me up to the fact I once again was going down a path of seeking to be understood before understanding others.  I realized I was not only too quick to throw in my two cents on a topic, but my responses seemed to have the effect of shutting down dialogue, not continuing it.   Of course, I’d like to think it is because my responses were so thought out that they resonated with everyone’s “truth” thus there was simply nothing left for anyone to add.   That MUST be the reason.   Either that or it was because I was dominating the conversation, not furthering it.  Hum.  Maybe the latter?

And I noticed this old habit started appearing IRL.  With friends, family, coworkers, and yes, even with Mike.  (BTW, I’ll talk about my new job at some point. It’s part-time).

So I decided that while I would still chime in now and then, I would be less demonstrative and more suggestive in my online responses.   I also recommitted to myself to be a better listener with everyone I interacted with, whether it was online or IRL.

And I loved it!

I was getting something rewarding and fulfilling out of being  quieter – out of “seeking to understand before being understood.”   I was enjoying reading what other people had to say, being more inquisitive in my statements versus pushing my own conclusions.  It was nice hearing a different voice than my own.  And thus, the thought of “telling all” or ranting via my blog no longer motivated me. 

Also, I think there is some level of authority we all give to someone who goes on and on about a particular topic, in my case, Domestic Discipline.  And as I stated, I felt a bit intimidated with my million views and sex blogger ranking.   Like,  don’t listen to me.  I am no expert.  I do consider myself an expert on MY LIFE, but no one else’s.  I told myself, “Jen, just shut up already!”   So I did!

YAWN.  ENOUGH!  GIVE US SEXY TIME!
But now my “quiet period is over.  No need to “be quiet.”  Maybe quieter, but not quiet.  As I stated in a prior post, I needed to “get over myself.”    My obscure little blog is not intended to change the worldview on human sexuality, gender roles, marriage, or kink.  It’s simply a way for me to think through things while scratching my itch to be a bit of an exhibitionist (and for some of you more pervy folks, maybe masturbatory fodder).

With that – guess what?  We’ve been making plans for Immersion 2020 It’s become an “event” in our Circle of Trust where people have planned to take time off work – a bit of a sexual exploration vacation!  The guys are coordinating a “Swap-fest” of sorts where we will be spending some meaningful one-on-one time with other members of our group.  As in, spending the evening and night with someone other than your significant other(s).   I don’t know all the details and will happily share them when I do. 

AND — we are about a month away from our FIVE YEAR DD-VERSARY.  That’s right!  Five years of committing to a Domestic Discipline dynamic.    And there is still a lot I’d love to fill you in on regarding the last several months.    More blogging to come!

NEXT: 339. Jenny-job, Mean Mike, the Platinum Rule, a Jenny thing, and some other stuff