Tag Archives: self confidence

322. Sex as Recreation

 

322

My recent posts have been a bit bland for you kinksters.  While I threw in a few kinky topics, such as Cuck, Swinging, and NRE,  I’ve been light on details.   Multiple inferences of sexual activities and explorations, but, “Where’s the beef?”

It’s just that I am a shy and modest person.  I am sure you know how hard it is for me to share personal details.

NOT!!!

Don’t you think it is better for me to hint around TTWD and let you use your imagination?  I bet your imagination is far steamier and raunchy than my reality!

Well, maybe not.   After all,  in addition to the sex the three of us have, there is a rarely a week that goes by that we don’t get together with others to play with.

And we still make it a point to have our one-on-one date nights at least once a month, whether it is me and Mike, me and Kayla, or Mike and Kayla.  

Okay, Jen, those aren’t details.  Spill it!

When three men are available, it’s common for me to have all my holes filled at once.  In case that’s too vague, I am speaking of my mouth, vagina, and butthole.  There!  Detail enough for you?!?

I enjoy it, but if I have to pick a favorite position, it’s two men at once – one doing me doggy and the other in my mouth.  And my most favorite is when Mike is the one in my mouth and I can look up at him and see his eyes watching what is going on.  Hey, you’re the one that wanted details!   Okay, probably not enough detail for most of you kinksters, but what else do you want to know?  I am sure you don’t want to know what orifices the guys cum in, or anything about other pretzel-like positions I get into.  What you really want to know is, how does this make me feel?   Am I right, or am I right?   

What?  I am wrong?   Oh well, sorry kinky devils out there.  In Jenny fashion, I can’t just share an activity,  I have to share how it makes me feel and unfortunately that will take up all the time I have.  Well, indulge me and maybe I will answer those two questions at the end.

OBJECTIFICATION
I find being with three men at once is more of an emotional experience than a physical one.   It isn’t that I am not feeling things physically – I certainly am! –  It’s almost a sensation overload with one amazing feeling after another vying for my attention.  Mixed in can be moments of discomfort.  Not pain, else I stop, but let’s face it, DP can be uncomfortable sometimes.

Whereas with two men at once, I find the perfect balance between my physical and emotional pleasure.  It hits three emotional buttons for me.  (1)  I know Mike is enjoying me enjoying myself.  (2). The taboo nature of it is never far from my mind.  (3) I love the feeling of objectification.

When it is three men at once, the physical pleasure is less, but the emotional feelings are amplified and focused on a singular feeling of objectification. I am not complaining.  I like that feeling, I just like the more balanced feelings I get from two-on-Jen versus three.

I know, I know.  Many of you probably think it’s terrible to like being objectified.  Sorry, but feeling attractive and sexy feels good, and it feels good for the same reason that feeling unattractive and unsexy feels so bad.  It just does.   

There are risks in objectifying yourself or allowing yourself to be objectified.  There are studies that show objectification is like an amplifier for how one already feels about themselves.  For those with high self-esteem, which I count myself as one, objectification can be a boost to your already high self-esteem.  But for those with low-self esteem, it can create a post-objectification drop in their well-being.  

The positive feelings of objectification can become addicting.  Which can become a challenge as the interest others may have in our beauty and body fades as we age.  It can also create a terrible cycle for those with low-self esteem, chasing the “high” following the post-objectification drop in their well-being.

Yes, the emotional chemicals in our body that come with objectification can be really bad on the psyche.  Just consider eating disorders and body shaming that many women do to themselves, let alone the body shaming and judgment that society does to us. Suffice to say I don’t take this “thrill” from objectification lightly.  Especially when it comes to Kayla.

Although I am well past my prime in physical beauty, I find that as I got older the decrease in my vanity was accompanied by a decrease in the fucks I give.  Humm… In the context of this post perhaps that colloquialism doesn’t work.  I mean, literally, I am writing about the actual physical fucks I give (and receive).   And as my vanity decreases, I am sure giving a lot more of those fucks!  LOL.   

My point is, I am a self-confident person when it comes to being happy about all aspects of who I am and what I do.  Thus I feel I have the strength to experience the highs and avoid the lows of being objectified.   But such strength mostly comes with age, and Kayla simply has not had the time to develop it.   

I talk to Kayla a lot about TTWD, especially when it comes to the sex she has, even the sex she has with me and with Mike.   ANd when I say “a lot” I mean it.  I am constantly checking in with her about how she is feeling.  She jokes we have our own daily Maintenance Sessions, minus the spankings of course.  She is far more “addicted” to multiple partners at once than I am.  She clearly gets a greater thrill than I do from being objectified.  It worries me as I wonder if she truly just loves the thrill for thrill sake, or is she needing a “fix” because of a drop in her feelings of well-being?

In our conversations, I am convinced that she does have a handle on this and maintains a healthy psyche about her self worth.   It’s not perfect, as we all have blind spots or moments of self-doubt, but nothing indicates to me that this has been unhealthy for her.  HOWEVER – we have dialed things down.   More on that in a bit, but first, here’s one more tidbit to share.

ANONYMOUS SEX
Since I am in a sharing mood, we’ve done a new thing since the start of the year regarding anonymous sex.  Mike arranged it with people we met from the swinging scene.

At one swinging gathering we attended at someone’s house, Mike had us stand blindfolded, not speaking to anyone during the “mingle” phase of the evening.  He then led us to one of the bedrooms that had two beds.  Kayla and I got naked and laid on the bed, leaving our blindfolds on.   We were instructed to stay quite and not speak to anyone.   Men then came in and, well, “came in.”  lol.    Just two men for each of us (as if “just two” means this is totally acceptable and normal).

SWINGING SHADE
Afterwards Mike led us back out to the “after swap” mingling and we removed our blindfolds.  It made the conversations very interesting as we tried to figure out who we had sex with. I kind of figured one of them out when their wife said something to me like, “Oh, you’re that blindfolded one my husband had sex with.”   Her comment had this weight of indignation to it.  I promptly scanned my eyes over towards her husband and then scanned my eyes over her body.   I then told her, “I dunno.  I don’t think so.  He got to pick and I think he wanted something different so he went with the younger, firmer, more petite one of us that was blindfolded. Bitch!”

Hee-hee.  I added that “Bitch” part.  I didn’t really call her that.   

DIALING IT DOWN
I mentioned a few posts ago that we have dialed down our sex play.  We’ve noticed a pattern where there are times we venture outside our Circle of Trust (mainly John/Donna and Matt/Jillian), only to retreat within the confines of our COT.

Mike felt we all were getting a little too “addicted” to the thrills and he was concerned that it could lead to becoming careless.  While we all like to explore boundaries, there is a difference between realizing you may have exceeded a boundary versus realizing you’ve damaged your psyche.   Not that we’ve gone that far, but Mike is always overly cautious.  He’s that way about practically everything in life.

A little about Mike – which in 300+ posts I haven’t really shared much about — He has always been a cautious person.  So much so that in his younger days his primary “risk management” style was to avoid risk at all costs.  In that respect it’s amazing he asked me to marry him!  Ha!    But he slowly learned that to fully live your life means you can’t avoid everything that carries risk.  Living life is a risk.   So while he never ignores risk, he has learned to mitigate it when he can and fully accept it when it makes sense.

In his words, he said that when it came to making decisions, he was always focused on the optimal outcome, versus the fun and experience in the journey that can lead to any outcome.   As a result, there were many journeys he never took, fearing the outcome would not be optimal.  Now, is that living life?    Of course, then he married someone with the slogan, “Love life, every moment, every day.”   You can imagine the friction this created at times.  Such friction was eradicated with our DD journey.

So let’s face it!  Sex has so many positive health effects as this article highlights.  So as long as we have an honest and open dialogue about all things sex-related, I feel confident that all three of us will continue to benefit from what is one of our favorite hobbies – recreational sex!

FOR YOU KINKY F’er’s. 
I promised if you stuck with me I’d answer the question about what orifices the guys cum in as well as share other pretzel-like positions I get into.  As for cum, it depends.  Within our COT, anywhere is allowed.  Outside our COT, it’s a case-by-case thing.  Sometimes it’s allowed in or on me, other times it is not.   A girl’s got limits!  lol. 

As for positions, well, this post is long enough.  I will save that for my next post.  Consider it a tease!!!   

Next: 323.  Assume the Positions

  

276. “My submission” becomes “His Dominance”

276

You’ll want to read the prior post as this picks up where that left off.    Once again, a post filled with arcane thoughts rolling around in my head.  

I WANTED HIM TO FEEL DOMINANT
I’ve had very few punishment spankings the last several months.   I’ve been an extremely compliant submissive!   I was looking forward to the Maintenance spanking with the thought that I’d like Mike to spank me hard.   In addition to just “needing it,” it was the perfect opportunity  – J was away and not to return for a week.  We not only didn’t need to worry about any noise, but I had time for marks to heal.      

I remember telling myself I shouldn’t wish for such a thing since we were starting Immersion the next day.  Surely it will be filled with spanking and assorted physical demands.  But I told myself that those would all be in the context of Immersion.  I wanted one in the context of our “everyday” domestic discipline.  Make sense?  Of course not, but such is the mind of this submissive!

I didn’t say anything to Mike, so I was pleasantly surprised when he used the cane as hard as he did.  (again, refer to prior post for the details of that spanking).  Perfect!  Just what I was hoping for.  And when he repeated it the first time – it was surprising but a perfect surprise!   But the third time?  Then the extra hard ones at the end?   Not what I had in mind.   But something in my head flipped.   Actually, two things flipped

One – I had this feeling of being dominated.  I’ve never felt that.  Instead of me being and feeling submissive, this spanking gave me a feeling of being dominated.   There is a difference.  In that moment this new feeling of being dominated cascaded over me and I loved it and wanted more.   

Two – I had a sense that Mike was feeling dominating.  I’ve never sensed that.  And in that flash of a moment I felt some shame.  Shame in being selfish in my submission.  Up to that point, I always thought of our DD as revolving around my submission.  For the first time, I was seeing it, feeling it,  based fully on Mike’s dominance.   Again, sounds subtle, but the difference is significant.    

And I loved it.  I wanted to feel every ounce of his dominance and wanted to sense every bit of dominance he was feeling.  Thus my request to repeat the caning.

The amount of pain was surpassed by the amount of pleasure.  It was like a whole new sensation for me.  It’s been years since a spanking evoked a new feeling, let alone one this intense and satisfying.  

HE WANTED TO DOMINATE
Afterwards when we talked, Mike said the most amazing thing.  Now remember, I hadn’t said a thing to him about what was going through my head.  Mike said, “Gosh Jen, when we started I planned on just the typical amount for a Maintenance, maybe a little harder, but not more strikes.  Then, I just had this need to give you more, then more, and more again.  Something told me I needed to really get your attention and demonstrate I am in charge.  I don’t know where that came from.  Are you okay?”   

As we talked, it basically came down to a change in Mike in that moment.   Instead of me being his submissive, he wanted to be my Dominant.   He was feeling the exact same thing I was!  It is a spooky coincidence.  Consider that we adopted Domestic Discipline three and half years ago and simultaneously arrived at this need for a monumental shift in our thinking.   Really amazing – at least to me.

He said he felt he needed to give a meaningful Maintenance to instill that Dominance.  There wasn’t anything going on that made him feel like his dominance had been slipping, or that my submission had been lacking.  Far from it, we both have been very happy with where we were.  But, clearly there was something in our subconscious that recognized a need to change the dynamic.   And we amazingly had this “thing” erupt from us at the same time.  It’s more amazing than cumming together!  LOL!

MIKE IS A DOM
With Mike fully recognizing and acknowledging the need to feel Dominant, I suddenly felt the final piece of the puzzle click in.   Coupled with all that I shared previously about “passive submission” I knew I finally arrived.  I was at the level of submission I was always seeking.

This wasn’t a journey to be more submissive for him, it was a journey to be his submissive.   

I’ve touched on that theme before.  I sort of sensed this last October, leading up to our new Agreement.  I even posted about it – Post 171.  Submissive to Mike or Mike’s submissive?  But it took ten months to really get connect with that feeling and both both of us to recognize it’s where we want to be.   Previously, my submission flowed from my desire to be submissive.  Now it flows from my desire for Mike to be my Dominant.   My DD is truly no longer mine.  

I AM CONCEITED – ANOTHER EPIPHANY
There were other contributing factors to my writing funk.  Another is that I was feeling like I sort of betrayed my prior writings.  All the stuff about “My DD” and being the one in control of my dynamic – and now this revelation?  I just felt like a different “DD Jenny,” and in some ways wasn’t unique or special.  As if I was special for doing DD “my way” versus Mike’s way.  I know that sounds so conceited, but I am being honest.

I know that  all the things I’ve learned along the way have contributed to, and were absolutely necessary ,to get me where I am today.  Every experience and emotion shared was authentic and true in that moment.   And who is to say it won’t continue to evolve?   Maybe even devolve back to “My DD.”   I don’t see that happening, but I didn’t see this happening either.

So yeah, that sounds rational, but emotions are rarely rational.  And like I wrote in Post 33, emotions reveal your true essence.  And as part of this epiphany I realize  how conceited and self-centered I can be.  I’ve always sort of known it, but tried to justify it as a positive trait.  It’s probably what makes me so open and is what gives me my bouts of “verbal diarrhea” as Mike calls it when I feel compelled to share every fleeting thought I have.  It isn’t from a lack of shame or over abundant confidence.  It is because I am vain!   There, I admit it.

It was my self-centered thinking that created the condition my marriage was in pre-DD.  It was my self-centered thinking that got us into DD as this was 100% my idea and was started 100% on my terms.   Sure, it all worked out, but unlikewhore,vain is not a term I want to own.

Thus, my new journey in submission is to be the sub that Mike wants me to be, not the sub I want to be.   Sort of a chicken-and-egg thing because the sub I want to be is the sub Mike’s wants me to be.   But unlike the chicken/egg conundrum,  in this case, we know what comes first – Mike!    Yes, there is some balance in order for it to work, but the scales will be tipped less towards me and more towards Mike.

THE MORE THINGS CHANGE, THE MORE THEY STAY THE SAME
As monumental as I made all this out to be, the reality is, nothing has changed except my perception.    Even though it feels very comfortable and “perfect” to both me and Mike, our dynamic is still a journey.   It’s now had the benefit of three and half years of being on this trek, so the scenery is familiar, the path is more clear, and there are fewer unknowns.

We follow our typical routines and rules and nothing notable is different.  Mike has said he is very happy where things are and if he feels his dominant mindset is in need of a boost,  he wouldn’t necessarily look to my butt as the remedy!   Much like I would verbalize my need for more submission, he will do the same regarding any need for Dominance.  The result of which is that I may very well offer my butt as remedy!   Hee-hee.   Although I probably shouldn’t laugh as that statement is not rhetorical. 

NEXT!!
This all got me thinking.  I am long overdue for posting an esoteric ramble!  I am already thinking of a doozy!    I’ve been searching deep within myself to better understand my neediness regarding my new perceptions on submission.   I’ve come up with a theory. 

And hey, if you want to start on your own esoteric ramble, here’s some fodder as this is what I think I will write about next — 

We are better off understanding our emotions and actions versus hating them.

Post 277. Understanding myself and my submission

267. Free to be: Seeking Domestic Discipline

267

I wrote in my last post I had a lunch date that I was a little late to.  It was with my friend Valerie – one of my “lunch bunch” friends.   And what of Mike’s instructions of me?  I shared that he told me not to wear panties and he gave me one other instruction.  More on that “instruction” in a bit.

I found my friends situation fascinating, thus this post.  My fascination is less about her interest in Domestic Discipline and more about her fears, thus this post isn’t so much about “look at what she did,” and more about, “Wow, we often get in our own way when we try to seek fulfillment.”   

VALERIE
She’s a former co-worker, a few years younger than me, married just over 20 years, and a newly crowned “empty nester.”  If you read Post 222 you know I’ve come out to my friends about basically everything.  This prompted Valerie to talk with me privately about her own needs and desires.    

Valerie confided that she has always been a bit submissive with her husband.  Not in a D/s sort of way – deferring a lot to him and being more traditional in doing things for him.  She always got a thrill out of serving him, and even at times craved some discipline from him.  Not necessarily spanking, but she admitted to liking being scolded by him – something he doesn’t really do.  In fact, she described some of her behaviors to me that sounded an awful lot like “bratting,” to purposefully get a rise out her husband.

The concept of formal Domestic Discipline was foreign to her.  She always thought it was a role play thing, not a way of life thing, until she learned otherwise from me.   She has been in a heavily reflective mood with the last kid now out of the house.  Energized by my story, she feels she must do something to fulfill her needs.  She believes it is a great time to reinvent and reinvigorate her marriage.  

She wants to completely “come clean” on her past bisexual experiences as well as her current desires for DD – she wants to become completely vulnerable to him.  It is a scary thing, and not easy to do, thus she is looking to me for support.

HER MOTIVATION – “FREE TO BE”
She told me that t
hey have always had a tendency to be a bit reserved with each other.  She figures after 20+ years of marriage, it’s a good time to stop being shy about various needs and desires.  She wants them to both feel “free to be” as she put it.  In my words, she is anxious to take all of who they actually are and present the “FULL” version of themselves to the other –  all their experiences, all their desires.  In essence, to finally be 100% vulnerable to each other.   

WHAT’S THE HOLD UP?
I have been talking to Valerie for three months and she still lacks the confidence to talk to her husband.  She called me over to her house to have lunch because she thinks she is finally ready, but needs a final pep talk.  I found it interesting to categorize all her excuses for not talking to him yet.  It illustrates just how hard open communication (vulnerability) can be. 

Fear of Rejection
She is afraid he might get angry, even though she admits it is unlike him to do so… but in her mind, “what if?”  This fear is hard to overcome, especially if you. . .

Lack of self-confidence
To allow yourself to be vulnerable you have to love yourself first.  While you need a good dose of self-esteem and self-confidence, you don’t have to think of yourself as Wonder Woman.  Just a generally good feeling about yourself and recognize the positive qualities you bring to the relationship.  It also means you don’t need your partner to define who you are or to complete you.   If you lack confidence, your insecurities will impact your mutual happiness.

In talking with Valerie I observed that none of her insecurities were rooted in anything her husband has ever said or done.  He sounds like a very loving partner.  Her insecurities were more rooted in her concerns over being judged by society, by her parents, and religious issues.  Keep in mind her parents are both deceased – but she still seeks their approval.   It was clear, in her mind, society, her parents, and her religion, has reinforced that she is not entitled to express herself or ask for what she wants.  She is basically to suffer, as that suffering is righteous and therefore fulfilling.   Ug!

We talked a lot about her marriage and I suggested to her that everything she has described to me about their relationship indicates she should be very confident that her husband will lovingly respond.   It seems clear to me that he never wants her to suffer and would move mountains to insure she doesn’t.

Appearing needy, emotionally imperfect
She felt she shouldn’t have such strong desires to want certain things from him, that perhaps her desires were not rational.  Sharing them could expose her as weak or needy.

This seemed like a submissive catch-22 to me.  Because she has always been naturally submissive to him, she feels expressing her needs goes against her own nature.   I found myself virtually reciting from many of my past posts, such as my Doctrine of Submission, or in discussing how you can’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness.   This ties back to the self-confidence issue.

Passive-Aggressive Behavior / Mind reading
I discovered that the two of them have been arguing more and more lately, and Valerie admitted she was the instigator.  She wasn’t just saying that out of some default thinking that everything is her fault.  She said she recognizes that she has been doing things like the silent treatment or doing other things to elicit feelings of guilt on his part.  Her justification is, “he should be able to figure out that I need something.”  In other words, he should be a mind reader. 

She was able to rationalize how counter-productive her behaviors are, but, said she just can’t help it.  I told her in my experience, passive-aggressive behaviors often come from not being 100% present in the relationship – that is, not being 100% herself, not being vulnerable, not meeting her needs first and rarely expressing them.  I believe those behaviors will go away once she discloses all her feelings to him.

This also reminded me of my discussion with my sisters about what it means to be degrading, unfair, and unhealthy.   Valerie’s behaviors certainly qualify. 

I suggested that her passive-aggressive behaviors and resulting arguments would be the perfect conversation starter.  “I know I’ve been overly sensitive and frankly a bit mean lately.  It’s because I have been trying to reconcile some things in my mind.  I now realize I need your help in doing that.  Can we talk?” 

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
I told her that what I have learned over the past three years or so was that love was not enough in my marriage.  I didn’t just want Mike to love me.  I wanted Mike to help me discover who I am and to help achieve the best version of myself. 

That required a lot of honesty and openness, with both myself and with Mike.  And through our journey, I also helped Mike discover who he is and help him achieve the best version of himself.

FINAL THOUGHTS
If you recall, the prior post ended with Mike giving me two instructions.  One is that I could not wear panties on my visit, and the other…..

“Valerie, since you are considering allowing your husband to discipline you, it might help you to see what a good spanking can actually do.  First off, I am not wearing panties because Mike forbids it – such are the types of rules I agree to be subject to.   Secondly, he told me to show you the results of the spanking I got just before I left the house and that I was to fully share the extent of the discipline I received.”

I lifted my skirt and bent over, exposing my backside to her.  It was still red.  I stayed in that position as I explained the full extent of my discipline…the soaping and the spanking.  I put my skirt down and sat back down once I finished explaining it.

I asked her thoughts.  She said, “That’s exactly what I crave from my husband. Well, minus the pee stuff.”   

Ha!  Yeah, I get it.   That revelation can be… ready for it?  here it comes….  “hard to swallow.”   And with that, she said she felt ready to have that conversation that night.

HOW DID IT GO?
He apparently took it pretty well.  She told me he was upset with her for keeping it a secret and not trusting him enough to have told him earlier.  But, the next day, told her he had some things to share of his own.  She didn’t tell me what it was, but, in simple terms, it’s what I see in most healthy relationships — vulnerability gets reciprocated. 

The resulting conversations yielded them sharing not just sexual experiences of their past which they never shared before, but talking about current dreams and desires, sexual and otherwise.  She was light on details, but said their sex life has been in overdrive.  And as for Domestic Discipline, she said she would like me to come over and talk to her about my Contract, as they are wanting to codify her Duties and Obligations!

How delightful!

Next: 268. When the Dom is Gone, the subs Get it On. . . . . . and a spanking