316. Our Sex Club

I didn’t set off to be a teller of Kim’s story.  I wanted to share her background because it was interesting to me and before you know it, I overshared a bit.  Oh well, too late now. 
But finally, this will bring you up to where things are today. 

So about a month or so after Kim watched us have sex, she sat down with me all excited and energized.  She said she believes she has worked the kinks out  – oh, wait, not a good choice of words as the kinks have been worked in, not worked out.  Ahem.  She believes she has resolved her hang-ups with sex.   In her words, “I had a revelation!”

KIMS REVELATION
I already mentioned that Kim started masturbating regularly.  She soon told her husband he could watch, after all, she had been watching him masturbate for years.  That led to them having sex, and more sex.  More in a week than they had in the prior year.   And Kim said it was different than any sex they previously had.   She was not only the one initiating it for the first time ever, but actually directing it.  Telling her husband to do this, or do that.  She said it was the first time she felt like SHE was having sex.  That it was something she was doing, not something simply being done to her. 

And her revelation?   Actually, there were two. 

1. She enjoys being in control.  And more than that, she enjoyed a dominant role in the bedroom.   And apparently, TJ was happy to oblige, or more precisely, submit! This didn’t change her mindset out of the bedroom.  Nothing changes in day-to-day life, but she became the master of their bedroom domain.
2. She loves watching others. More precisely, she enjoys watching us, but the thought of watching anyone turns her one.  As much as I am an exhibitionist, she is a voyeur.  And she added, “And I think it is more than to just watch.  The thought of directing people and telling them what to do to each other really turns me on.

Kim said it was strange for her to say something turns her on sexually.   The idea of it is so foreign to her as well as a thrill for her.  She said she not only is able to let loose in the bedroom but can’t wait to do so.  She gets turned on just thinking about it.  Such a feeling is completely new to her – not that she is complaining!!

MORE THAN A FEELING
Kim said it goes just beyond “feeling it.”  She has this drive to act on it.  Something she never ever felt before, even remotely.

This led me to ask, “It’s great to hear that TJ is onboard and willing to accept a role in the bedroom that also suits you.  As for liking to watch others or even directing others, do you have something in mind with how you can fulfill that?  And yes, I am willing to ask Mike if we can submit our application to you.” 

Kim served up her best Jen-like response that made me smile.   

“Well, your credentials are good and you seem to be a good fit – culturally speaking of course.  You have clearly shown you can work well in a team environment and go into a project with a well-defined entry and exit plan.  Yes, you all can definitely fill a lot of holes.  From what I’ve seen, you have great manual skills.  I don’t know your writing skills, but we aren’t really in need of that.  It’s your excellent oral skills that I value.  To top it off, your interest and excitement level is infectious.  Oh!  Oops, that’s probably not a good word to use.  Your interest and excitement level is superb!  Yeah, that’s better.  If you submit your application I can talk with TJ and see what comes of it.”

“So,” I replied, “this is one job opportunity I don’t want to blow.  Oh wait.  Maybe I do?  Whatever.  You know you can count on me to bend over backwards, or forwards if you like, to get the blow. . . um, I mean, to get the job done.”

See why I Kim and I get along?  We have very similar humor.

THE GROUP TEASE
Ultimately, after Kim and TJ talked and I talked with Mike and Kayla, here’s where things are.  We are NOT having sex with Kim and TJ, but, they do have sex in front of us, and us in front of them.  There’s been some steamy play that seems to point toward an inevitable exploration into some swapping, but it hasn’t happened yet.  I think we are all enjoying getting right up to the line but not crossing it just yet.   We refer to it as a “group tease.”   Each of us sort of sexually teasing the other to see who can be enticed to cave first.   It’s a really fun game that we all enjoy. 

Kim is definitely a bit of a dom in the bedroom with TJ.  She has a new favorite toy, a strap on, that TJ is into accepting from her.  She definitely likes to be in control and have the power in the bedroom.   And it’s so great to see her comfortable and confident in demonstrating and exploring that desire.  Kim and TJ have even joined us at John and Donna’s a few times. 

Oh, and Matt has a girlfriend who is also part of our Circle of Trust.   And Raul and Valerie make an occasional guest appearance, and like Kim and TJ they don’t swap but they definitely have plenty of sexual fun.

Who needs FetLife or a swingers club?  We have our homegrown sex club!
Orgy for 11!  Your table is ready!

Next: 317.  Contrast on a theme of sexual aesthetics

315. Kim’s Sexual Awakening

I hope this post catches you up to the present day regarding our friendship with TJ and Kim.  Sorry for taking so long to provide the background story.  It was more detail than I intended to share and way more than I provided on Jamie and Chelsea.  While both couples have unique stories worthy of multiple posts, I feel more connected to Kim.   Jaime and Chelsea are more a Mike and Kayla thing.  Kim has become a close friend of mine and an interesting one at that.  Thus I want to give you a fuller picture of her. 

ONE MORE PIECE OF BACKGROUND
One more factoid to share that I omitted from the prior post.  Just a minor little thing that’s easy to forget. Ha!

TJ & Kim once lived in Georgia.  Kim encouraged TJ to have an affair.  Can you call it that when you have your wife’s consent and encouragement?   

It was another example of how accepting Kim has been of her hang-ups as well as how much she cares for TJ.   She was confident enough in their marriage to tell him he was free to find sexual fulfillment elsewhere.  It also showed me she is not emotionally fragile and is so self-aware of her issues that she does not want her problems to cause her husband’s needs to be unfulfilled, even when it comes to his sexual needs.

She said at the time it seemed logical.  She rationalized, “If I need help cleaning, I get a maid.  If I need help sexually satisfying my husband, I get him a mistress.  Either way, it  takes a weight off my shoulders — or, in this case, — off my hips.”

That’s one of the many reasons I like Kim.  Her humor is much like mine and I love to see her poke fun at her own predicament.  Humor doesn’t minimize her struggle but serves to recognize and humanize it.  I like her for a lot of other reasons too.  We’ve really become good friends.  Just how good?  Wait to read, but I bet it’s not what you think!

TJ resisted but eventually got a regular girlfriend.   Despite efforts to establish clear expectations between TJ and the mistress, after about six months it became clear that Sancha wanted more.  The relationship soon bordered on stalking.   Not quite “Fatal Attraction” level.  No rabbits were harmed, but it got creepy enough that they had to do something.  They moved to Texas where Kim is from originally.  It’s been about 8 years and they said that moving was the end of any issues or contact with the other woman.  

KIM WATCHES
Okay, enough back story.   (Hey! I heard someone say, “Finally!!”  Admit it.  It was you!)

So Kim sat in a chair near our bed and watched me have sex with Mike.  We made it a point not to do anything overly pretzel-like.  Good old missionary and doggie!  Afterward, the three of us talked for a bit and at her urging, we gave her an encore presentation, this time with oral thrown in.

Kim couldn’t articulate her thoughts that she said were swirling.  She wanted some time to process and understand them herself.  We respected that and didn’t push her to share her thoughts. 

Then she asked if we would be willing to let her watch Mike and Kayla, and even watch all three of us together.  We joked that maybe we should be charging her for our sex shows. 

“Add it to my therapy bill,” she quipped, once again fighting through her anxiety and embarrassment with some humor.

I added, “So I guess you’re not interested in any girl-on-girl action with just me and Kayla?”

And with an overly serious look and tone that feigned surprise, “What?  You’re saying that during your threesomes you and Kayla never touch each other?”

I said to myself, “Oh, so you want to play, huh?  En guarde.”   I love this type of game.

Confident I would throw her off guard knowing she can only take so much direct sex talk about herself, I replied, “If by touch you mean touching my tongue deep inside her pussy and ass like TJ is going to soon be doing to you, then yes, we touch.”

She didn’t even flinch and just laughing said, “Then I expect you to eat some pussy and ass else you’ll be eating your words.”

Point to Kim.  Well played!

And thus we soon had repeat private performances for Kim.  First Mike and Kayla, and then the three of us.  As for some of what she witnessed, let’s just say, I didn’t have to eat my words.

HER NEXT STEP
After cogitating on things for a few days, she reported to me that she was giving masturbation a try and already done it a few times.  She said it was going great and while she doesn’t really orgasm, she feels herself getting close.  My only comment to her was that I think masturbation is pretty simple.  Explore every which way you can imagine that might make yourself feel good.  When you find something feels good, do more of it.  That’s it.   And from the sounds of it, she was getting close to finding it.

HER STEP 2 – TTWD
She had often seen TJ masturbate as that was often his release and he didn’t hide it.  But now, SHE was having TJ watch her go at it.  It quickly led them to have sex.  Not that they have been sexless, but up to this point sex was like a 6-8 times a year thing and she never initiated it.

This “masturbation then sex” soon became “their thing.”  TTWD has to start somewhere!  They would both start fully clothed, she would masturbate and end up naked, and then, well, the sparks would fly.  She said she liked this because even though she was exposed and vulnerable when performing for him, she actually felt more in control and more powerful.   She felt it as something SHE was doing, not something someone was doing to her.  And once her juices were flowing, she was revved up to actually desire sex.

She said about the third time they had sex, she had her first orgasm.   She said it felt different from the start.   All day long she was looking forward to their little sex session.  The anticipation had built up and from her first touch she noticed she was wetter than ever.  It wasn’t long before she saw the fireworks.

In her words, “Wow.  I thought I sorta’ knew and kinda’ had a few orgasms before.  But there is no “sort of” or “kind of” to the real, full-blown, amazing, thing.  The warmth, up my clitoris, up my belly, up my chest, up to my head.  A whole-body convulsing experience.   Who knew?”

My response was, “Welcome to the club!”

MARITAL AIDS
It didn’t stop there.  She soon ordered a few vibrators and dildos for herself.  She even got a vibrator for her daughter.  I wrote before that Kim has tried hard to instill age-appropriate sex-positive attitudes with her daughters.  There are many other examples I could share, but this one was a doozy.  In some ways, Kim goes to the opposite extreme.  While her parents filled her with a sense of shame, guilt, and taboo over anything sexual or about her body, her kids are like, “Oh, mom, not again.  Do you really have to tell us that!”

Okay, okay.  There I go again off on a tangent.

REVELATION
So, Kim is jilling away, having regular sex with TJ.   “A year’s worth per week” as she put it.   It was all good but was soon becoming a stale routine.   That isn’t necessarily a bad thing IF you have the confidence and imagination to spice things up.   At it was clear Kim now had both.  She told me of her revelation that put her straight down the path of where she is today.   And what was that revelation?

Sorry, not quite to the “current day” with the Kim saga as I had hoped.  We are really close though.   Maybe next post.

Next: 316.  Our Sex Club

207. More about Me (than I even knew)

Boring alert.   No spanking or submission stories here.  Just a self-indulgent post all about me!   If you want to know more about my personal life and what makes me me, read on.  If you don’t, that makes me sad – so indulge me.  Read on anyway!

MORE ABOUT ME (THAT I KNEW)
I tidied up my blog a bit.  I also am now sharing a lot more personal details.  Up to now I’ve peppered a few personal details here and there, even “adjusted” a few facts around anniversaries and ages for privacy reasons.  Well, I have removed those “adjustments.”

Mike is especially conservative when it comes to what I share online.  Our names are real, as is Kayla’s, but other names have been changed or abbreviated.  As Mike puts it, I need to leave some room for “plausible deniability” if someone we know happens across my blog and we don’t want to own up to it.

I asked Mike if this post is acceptable to him and he agreed that it was.  We are so much more comfortable with our lifestyle and it is extremely unlikely someone we know will read the blog and connect it to us.  Not that we want to shout it from the rooftops, but if someone who knows us stumbles onto my blog, well, so be it.

Want to know more about me?  Read my updated —  About — section!
Also check out my new Shortcuts for those that want a condensed DD Jenny experience.  

My desire to share came with a recent breakthrough I made about myself.  It may seem minor to some, but it is a big deal for me.  

MORE ABOUT ME (THAN I EVEN KNEW)
I shared a little about my upbringing in Post 2. The Backstory.  But I recently made a major revelation that has helped my submissive state of mind.

My mom was always one to promote sharing of ones feelings.  She never made me or my sisters feel ashamed, afraid, ridiculous, or wrong for anything we ever expressed.  You would think the result would be that I became very open and quick to express every thought I had.  Well, it wasn’t that easy and I only recently realize why.

I vividly remember when I was little that I would observe my siblings share whatever feeling they were having about whatever topic.  I recall I would always “evaluate” what they were saying.   I didn’t call it that at the time, and wasn’t consciously choosing to do that.  I just did it.  Even though my mom never “judged” them on their feelings or desires, I secretly was doing so. 

As early as around the first grade I can remember listening to my siblings and then thinking to myself, “Humm, I don’t think that makes much sense,” or, “Come on, they really didn’t think that through very well,” or even, “What a waste of time. That will never happen so just move on.”  For some reason, while I wasn’t afraid of sharing my thoughts, I had convinced myself that when I did, I wanted it to be compelling and awe-inspiring.   I think it was the competitor in me that somehow thought I needed to “beat” my sisters at the thinking game.  This idea stayed with me, all the way up until I was 45.

I think that is why I always spend so much time analyzing my feelings.  I have gotten better where such analysis is “post-expression.”  Meaning it comes after I expressed the feeling.  But there was a time such analysis was “pre-expression.”  So I would never express the feeling.  I would let it percolate and cogitate, making sure it was the “best” feeling, before expressing it.  Almost as if a feeling was an argument.  I didn’t want to express it until I knew I could win the argument (with myself). Does that make sense?

If my family were a club, it would be the “be yourself, express yourself, be silly if you feel like being silly, be whatever if you feel like being whatever – club.”  Despite that, somehow it caused me to be the opposite, even though I thought I was still part of the club the whole time.  I was often called the “logical” one, but I was proud of that term.  I guess because making me feel bad for being “logical” would be against the family creed, so I was never made to feel that it was bad.

What I now fully realize is that I was never good at truly expressing myself, at least not in the moment.  And it is “in the moment” that we truly feel.  Thinking comes later.  To really see ourselves at our reflexes, you have to be willing to express the feeling in the moment, raw and unfiltered by “logic.”   In doing so, you can truly learn what makes you tick, and if you aren’t satisfied with your emotional reflexes, work to change them.   By doing this, you are changing your core…changing your perceptions and reaction.   You can only make such changes by being able to examine the true and honest feelings you have.  Those feelings only come from “the moment.”  Not from hours or days (or sometimes weeks or months) of percolating in the mind.

By the time I expressed a feeling, it may have sounded good, but may not have really reflected how I felt at the time.  It reflected how I WISH I FELT at the time.  Thus I never got to address the bad feelings in an honest way.  Thus those feelings festered, and manifested themselves into the need to control my environment, or passive aggressive habits where I felt resentment that others should have assumed to know what I wanted even though I didn’t express how I felt.

I even look back at my interest in counseling and feel it was less about helping people and more about learning ways to have a more sound “argument” with myself over what I was feeling before I dare express those feelings.

What I now see is a very clear pattern that precedes each time I ever doubt Mike.  It all starts with me not expressing something I am feeling.  Not because I am ashamed or afraid to express it, but because I feel I haven’t fully thought through every angle.  In my mind I hadn’t “earned” the right to express it.  Thus, frustration, anxiety, resentment, or a potpourri of various negative emotions build.  This ball of anxiety needs something to project itself on, and the easiest thing to project it on is the behavior of those around me.

In the case of Post 201. Happy New (Severe Spanking) Year, there were some things nagging at me related to the holidays.  I won’t bore you with the details (you’re like, why not Jenny, you bored us with plenty so far), but simply put there were some things I had envisioned for the holidays that didn’t come to fruition.  The “old” Jenny felt like Mike should have known what I envisioned and made it happen, even though I never shared that vision with him.

I’ve done very well to keep this “old” Jenny from reappearing, but clearly haven’t fully exorcised her from my reflexes.   “Progress, not perfection,” as Mike always reminds me.  

NEXT:  Post 208.  Inspiration from Kayla

140. Post Party Analysis and Revelation

It may help to read my prior post about attending the “adult” party we attended.

I mentioned that Mike seemed to be somewhat reserved regarding our sexual participation.  I say somewhat, because, as shared in my prior post, we still participated in some of the sex related festivities.  In addition to the activities I wrote about in that post, there were also some hand jobs that I gave and Mike enjoyed some head from one of the other ladies.  Clearly we were not wall flowers, but still, I could sense Mike was a bit guarded in both what he did and what he allowed Kayla and I to do.

THE CREEP
We talked about it afterwards.   Mike said that he was “creeped out” by Rudy, which also summed up the feelings I had about him (you can read about him in my prior post).  He was a bit of the alpha-male, boisterous, and aggressive both verbally and physically – and not just for topics related to sex.  It was clearly his personality that is pervasive in all his interactions.  He bordered on condescending, if not outright so, and he was clearly a narcissist.     

He had this body language that said he was superior, not just to his sub, but to everyone else, whether dom or sub.  He would quietly observe a conversation from afar, as if not even a part of it.  When he finally decided to talk, he would just holler his two cents from across the room.  He also wanted to make up the rules or give reasons why rules should apply differently to him and it was clear he was indignant when people just ignored his rants.

He was over the top with flattery to the women.  Flirting is one thing, but the degree of flattery was embarrassingly profuse.  And if his advances did not result in what he wanted, you could tell he was close to exploding.  He never did, but you had this sense that there was this rage just below the surface.   Lastly, just to give you a good picture of him, he provided an elaborate introduction of himself, going on and on about his accomplishments.  His self-proclaimed intelligence, wealth, creativity, you name — didn’t seem to stand up to simple questions posed to him.  You know, it just dawned on me, I think the best way you can picture him is to think of him a lot like Donald Trump, minus the treason and golden showers (okay, the former is a given, but the latter is just a rumor).  I digress.

That was a lot to share to simply say, the guy was creepy.   Mike was concerned that in the already highly sexually charged atmosphere, that this guy could be trouble, so Mike was very selective on what all of us participated in.   By the way, the other couples were all fantastic and a joy to talk to, play with, and hang around.  

KAYLA’S REVELATION
Kayla told us she had a revelation to share.  Before she said what it was, she wanted to be clear that first and foremost she was thrilled to have the opportunity to attend and very happy with the things Mike had her do.   She was happy to serve Mike in that manner and doesn’t question any reasons he had regarding the things he had her do or not do.  Like a good sub, she wanted to be clear that her greatest satisfaction is in submitting to whatever Mike desires, even if that means he desires her NOT to do something.  

So with that preamble, she said that she also had to be honest and share with us that while she enjoyed it, she thought there would be more “debauchery.”   More specifically, that she would be more “debauched.”

WORD OF THE DAY
Funny aside – I wasn’t sure debauched was actually a word.  It seemed to fit, such as, “to have debauchery performed on or by you” but, it seemed like a made up word.  I Googled it – sure enough, it’s a word, and exactly describes what Kayla meant.  So there’s your challenge of the day.  Go get yourself debauched!

BACK TO THE REVELATION
Kayla said that she made a revelation about herself as she thought through why this experience didn’t live up to her expectations.  She said that clearly she loves sex, no surprise there, and she loves kink – again no surprise.  But she said she really loves it, the kinkier the better.  She wanted to explore sexually with everyone in the room, sans Rudy.  She said she would have been happy to do anything or have anything done to her.

She said this feeling to explore like that was a bit of a surprise to her, and now she believes she knows why she had, and continues to have, those feelings.  She said that she feels liberated and empowered to do things sexually IF those things are done under Mike’s discretion.  In other words, she wants to do those things for herself and for what she gets out of it, but she has personal hang ups regarding what it “means” for her to do those things under her own volition.   Social stigmas that have been reinforced into her says those things make her dirty, nasty, or “less than” as a person.  For her, those negative feelings are replaced with positive ones when she is doing those things at Mike’s behest.  As strange as it sounds, she said for her, submission is sexually liberating and empowering. 

I believe that for her, being submissive is one way she can remove herself from being accountable to society for her actions.  None of us should ever feel accountable to society for our sexual habits (that are appropriately legal).   Kayla knows this, as I hope all women do, but while intellectualizing that thought may be easy, it can be very difficult to purge those thoughts that have been taught to us since birth.  Society constantly reinforces the belief that enjoying sex and being sexually open is something that makes a man strong, virile, and admired, while it makes a woman a whore and morally corrupt.   

The constant barrage of negative social cues regarding being a “slut” or that women should feel degraded if they enjoy sex, is hard to shake.   For Kayla, being a submissive is one way she can “shake it” in her mind.  She thinks of herself as simply being submissive, and any and everything she does is part of that submission.  Thus for her, it reconciles the social stigmas that have been engrained in her such that she does not feel any negative thoughts about what she is doing.  She is able to enjoy herself and feel only good and positive feelings about the experiences, free of negativity.

Kayla was apologetic in sharing her revelation, as she was concerned Mike would interpret it as her being submissive for only selfish reasons.  Far from it.  Mike was extremely supportive.  He said it would be inappropriate for him to think that she wants to serve “just because.”  He said, “Of course you get something out of it!   In no way does it diminish your submission just because you have identified the root of that “something.”  I hope over time you have more revelations as to why this lifestyle fulfills you.  And if that journey means you discover other ways to achieve that fulfillment, then that is fine too.   I don’t want for your submission, other than it is what gives you fulfillment.  I want for you to be happy, and will help you in achieving and maintaining that happiness through whatever form it requires of me, Dom or otherwise.   

Ahh – that was sweet of Mike, and of course was absolutely true and I echo his sentiments.  Our relationship with Kayla is very much about our wanting to nurture her so she is filled with confidence in being whoever she is now or may grow to become.  No shame.  And if that means spanking her bottom to help her along the way, so be it!   Hee hee.

NEXT:  Post 141.  Master/slave Immersion 2.0