Tag Archives: revelation

140. Post Party Analysis and Revelation

140
It may help to read my prior post about attending the “adult” party we attended.

I mentioned that Mike seemed to be somewhat reserved regarding our sexual participation.  I say somewhat, because, as shared in my prior post, we still participated in some of the sex related festivities.  In addition to the activities I wrote about in that post, there were also some hand jobs that I gave and Mike enjoyed some head from one of the other ladies.  Clearly we were not wall flowers, but still, I could sense Mike was a bit guarded in both what he did and what he allowed Kayla and I to do.

THE CREEP
We talked about it afterwards.   Mike said that he was “creeped out” by Rudy, which also summed up the feelings I had about him (you can read about him in my prior post).  He was a bit of the alpha-male, boisterous, and aggressive both verbally and physically – and not just for topics related to sex.  It was clearly his personality that is pervasive in all his interactions.  He bordered on condescending, if not outright so, and he was clearly a narcissist.     

He had this body language that said he was superior, not just to his sub, but to everyone else, whether dom or sub.  He would quietly observe a conversation from afar, as if not even a part of it.  When he finally decided to talk, he would just holler his two cents from across the room.  He also wanted to make up the rules or give reasons why rules should apply differently to him and it was clear he was indignant when people just ignored his rants.

He was over the top with flattery to the women.  Flirting is one thing, but the degree of flattery was embarrassingly profuse.  And if his advances did not result in what he wanted, you could tell he was close to exploding.  He never did, but you had this sense that there was this rage just below the surface.   Lastly, just to give you a good picture of him, he provided an elaborate introduction of himself, going on and on about his accomplishments.  His self-proclaimed intelligence, wealth, creativity, you name — didn’t seem to stand up to simple questions posed to him.  You know, it just dawned on me, I think the best way you can picture him is to think of him a lot like Donald Trump, minus the treason and golden showers (okay, the former is a given, but the latter is just a rumor).  I digress.

That was a lot to share to simply say, the guy was creepy.   Mike was concerned that in the already highly sexually charged atmosphere, that this guy could be trouble, so Mike was very selective on what all of us participated in.   By the way, the other couples were all fantastic and a joy to talk to, play with, and hang around.  

KAYLA’S REVELATION
Kayla told us she had a revelation to share.  Before she said what it was, she wanted to be clear that f
irst and foremost she was thrilled to have the opportunity to attend and very happy with the things Mike had her do.   She was happy to serve Mike in that manner and doesn’t question any reasons he had regarding the things he had her do or not do.  Like a good sub, she wanted to be clear that her greatest satisfaction is in submitting to whatever Mike desires, even if that means he desires her NOT to do something.  

So with that preamble, she said that she also had to be honest and share with us that while she enjoyed it, she thought there would be more “debauchery.”   More specifically, that she would be more “debauched.”

WORD OF THE DAY
Funny aside – I wasn’t sure debauched was actually a word.  It seemed to fit, such as, “to have debauchery performed on or by you” but, it seemed like a made up word.  I Googled it – sure enough, it’s a word, and exactly describes what Kayla meant.  So there’s your challenge of the day.  Go get yourself debauched!

BACK TO THE REVELATION
Kayla said that she made a revelation about herself as she thought through why this experience didn’t live up to her expectations.  She said that clearly she loves sex, no surprise there, and she loves kink – again no surprise.  But she said she really loves it, the kinkier the better.  She wanted to explore sexually with everyone in the room, sans Rudy.  She said she would have been happy to do anything or have anything done to her.

She said this feeling to explore like that was a bit of a surprise to her, and now she believes she knows why she had, and continues to have, those feelings.  She said that she feels liberated and empowered to do things sexually IF those things are done under Mike’s discretion.  In other words, she wants to do those things for herself and for what she gets out of it, but she has personal hang ups regarding what it “means” for her to do those things under her own volition.   Social stigmas that have been reinforced into her says those things make her dirty, nasty, or “less than” as a person.  For her, those negative feelings are replaced with positive ones when she is doing those things at Mike’s behest.  As strange as it sounds, she said for her, submission is sexually liberating and empowering. 

I believe that for her, being submissive is one way she can remove herself from being accountable to society for her actions.  None of us should ever feel accountable to society for our sexual habits (that are appropriately legal).   Kayla knows this, as I hope all women do, but while intellectualizing that thought may be easy, it can be very difficult to purge those thoughts that have been taught to us since birth.  Society constantly reinforces the belief that enjoying sex and being sexually open is something that makes a man strong, virile, and admired, while it makes a woman a whore and morally corrupt.   

The constant barrage of negative social cues regarding being a “slut” or that women should feel degraded if they enjoy sex, is hard to shake.   For Kayla, being a submissive is one way she can “shake it” in her mind.  She thinks of herself as simply being submissive, and any and everything she does is part of that submission.  Thus for her, it reconciles the social stigmas that have been engrained in her such that she does not feel any negative thoughts about what she is doing.  She is able to enjoy herself and feel only good and positive feelings about the experiences, free of negativity.

Kayla was apologetic in sharing her revelation, as she was concerned Mike would interpret it as her being submissive for only selfish reasons.  Far from it.  Mike was extremely supportive.  He said it would be inappropriate for him to think that she wants to serve “just because.”  He said, “Of course you get something out of it!   In no way does it diminish your submission just because you have identified the root of that “something.”  I hope over time you have more revelations as to why this lifestyle fulfills you.  And if that journey means you discover other ways to achieve that fulfillment, then that is fine too.   I don’t want for your submission, other than it is what gives you fulfillment.  I want for you to be happy, and will help you in achieving and maintaining that happiness through whatever form it requires of me, Dom or otherwise.   

Ahh – that was sweet of Mike, and of course was absolutely true and I echo his sentiments.  Our relationship with Kayla is very much about our wanting to nurture her so she is filled with confidence in being whoever she is now or may grow to become.  No shame.  And if that means spanking her bottom to help her along the way, so be it!   Hee hee.

NEXT:  Post 141.  Master/slave Immersion 2.0

 

87. And there it was.

This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life.   Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.

I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.

DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month.  I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I.  Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close.  She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties.  She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.

While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me.  At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them.  While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it.  I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved.   Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain.  I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy.   In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.

Each session they focus on different parts of the body.  This month it was her breasts.  Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part.  She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.

MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment.  Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch.  I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.

When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like.  Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked.  I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.

The shock lasted only a few seconds.  My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful.  Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me.  I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John.   It also made me think, “I want that.”

I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session?   Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt!  I don’t know if that is really for me.  There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try

My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra.   There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged.  For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise.  I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment.  The goal has never been to inflict a given mark.  Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal.   What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise?   I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment.   It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.

However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration.  Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything.  Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries.   So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.

Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna.  Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind.  I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that.  I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.

Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today).   In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal.  It made me anxious as Sunday drew near.  Could I really take it?

MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it.  Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna.   He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed.  He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other.  It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain.   He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession.   He then said that was just a warm up.

With quite a bit of force he hit one breast.  I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan.  He then hit the other.  Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times.  I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!”  Our “yellow” safe word.

After I collected myself he resumed.  He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.”  My face buried deeper into the pillows.  He asked me if I needed to stop.  He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.

For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging.  It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.

I told him to continue.  He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast.  I was crying, it hurt like hell.

I asked him how much more.   He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through.  That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times.  I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more.  I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.

Mike started up again.  I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.

Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different.  The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed.  Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful.   I felt ridiculous.   Why did I ask for this?

AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates.  This allows it to hide more easily.   And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.

First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna.  Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna.  I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement.  First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.

I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously.  I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then.  I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word.  I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.

I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change.  I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was.  Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.

JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son.  I hate that about myself.  I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation.  But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day.  Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do.  Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change.  My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.

It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact.  I’ve never felt that before.  I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day.  However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.

Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away.   Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less.  Kayla and Donna are important to me.  Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son.   I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.

I feel stupid for even having to say that.  It is so contrary to how I normally think and function.  But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it.   I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view.   I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.

I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why.  !?!?!

Next: 88.  Something True.

27. Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission

— Hey!  Yes, you.  Please read all the way through and give me your thoughts on how you’d complete the sentence I give you at the end of this post.  —

Another post about my version of DD. If it helps you get in the mood, know that I am writing this while naked and with nipple clamps very firmly attached for the last 30 minutes or so. This is part of a Reward I earned. I can take the clamps off after an hour. Suffice to say, my nipples are burning. Mike is definitely getting creative with his non-spanking Rewards. So, on to the topic at hand. . .

If you’ve read my contract you know I strive to clearly state how DD works in our household.  As one who tends to obsess over whether intentions are clearly understood, I recently took the further step of codifying what  I call our Doctrine of Submission. I started writing it but had a lot of input from Mike.

While the contract explains HOW we do DD, our doctrine explains WHAT DD means to us. Both are important topics to discuss with your partner. As we evolve I know that our “how” will change, which is why we have set renegotiation periods for our Contract.  In addition, I know that there will be changes in what DD means to us. That is why I believe it is important to write down those beliefs.  Doing so gives us something to refer back to and alter, elaborate, or remove as necessary.  My doctrine is not going to be the same as yours, nor should it.   It should be about whatever you both agree it should be. It can be tricky. It isn’t just about what works for you individually because whatever your doctrine, it must work for both you and your partner if it is to be successful.

Our doctrine is:

  • Submission is Love.
  • Submission is Personal.
  • Submission is Mutual.
  • Submission is Beneficial.
  • Submission is Counter-culture.
  • Submission is Sexy.
  • Submission is Fearless
  • Submission is Sensible.

Submission is Love
Forget DD for a moment. Every day, each one of us expresses love in a way where we chose to voluntarily limit what we might naturally do in order to benefit others.   This is true whether DD exists in your life or not. It can be as simple as I’d prefer to have chicken today, but I’ll make steak because I know that is Mike’s favorite. Or, I prefer to sit and do nothing today, but I need to run some errands for my kids. In that context, we all agree those are expressions of love. Those expressions all fit the definition of submission.

Submission is also where I voluntarily limit what I might naturally do in order to benefit others.  Obviously it is about the degree of power, but regardless of the degree, everyone in a loving relationship submits to their partner in some ways each day. It may mean they skip the chicken for the steak, or it may mean they write their blog with clamps burning into their nipples.

Put another way, when some conflict happens in our household, instead of doing what I use to instinctively do such as argue with Mike, I instead show him respect and honor and submit to his wishes.  If he truly loves me, his wishes will not be unreasonable and, due to the mutual transparency, I will see that they are not and I will see his best intentions. Over time this makes it easier and easier to submit, and the submission becomes the new instinct. And remember, I am not brain dead in my submission. I have thoughts, I have a voice, and I do get to use them in a calm and respectful manner (which is why our Maintenance Sessions are so important).

Absolutely. Submission is love and love is submission.

Submission is Personal
Ultimately you must establish your own doctrine based on your relationship.  Each person in a couple needs to work together to define what it means to their relationship and each person must be comfortable with it.

The best thing about DD is that it is whatever you want it to be. There is are no arbitrary set of rules.    It’s all left up to what you and your partner wish it to be.   To clarify, I should say, I believe there shouldn’t be any arbitrary set of rules. I know for some they follow rules that they believe are set in biblical terms such as in Christian Domestic Discipline. That’s not for me, but again, it may be for you.

Submission is Mutual
What?  How can that be?  Every sub has a dom! That doesn’t sound very mutual?

Don’t confuse “mutual” with “equal” or “sameness.”  While authority may be greater with one person, there are still responsibilities that both people must correctly carry out. (“Correct” being a term that the couple has to define for themselves as we have done in our Contract).   Both parties have a role, and they both have their own “submissions.”

Mike must submit to our agreement that requires him to act in certain ways that he would not have acted if not for DD. And while it was not required, Mike has also naturally submitted to me through revealing more of himself to me than ever before (the “transparency” that I mentioned earlier).

Submission is Beneficial
Many people are quick to equate submission with enslavement. It does not enslave me, it frees me. It freed me of the burdens and emotional baggage that weighed me down. It freed me from my creed that once was a positive influence, but had morphed into chains of enslavement as I turned it into meaning that I must always get my way.  I know DD is working for us because it has made both Mike and I better people. We have grown in freedom, joy, and character. This can only be described as beneficial.

Submission is Counter-culture
We have been raised to admire self-reliance, strength, and independence.  Dependence is weakness, you must think and act for yourself, and you are inferior if you do or believe otherwise! These are the lies that are consistently fed to us.  Truth is, even our country (USA) was built on interdependence, community, and mutual aide, but I digress. Truth is we live in a complex and interdependent society and to thrive we must learn to acknowledge our dependence, as well as our strengths and weaknesses.  I am not advocating that you surrender to everyone in a DD sort of way. I am saying you would be more comfortable in surrendering to your partner if not for the societal stigma regarding surrendering anything to anyone. Culturally we are told surrender is weakness, when in fact, it takes courage, strength, and fortitude.

There is also the issue of potential abuse in DD and there are those that would call it abuse no matter what. I acknowledge there is potential for abuse in all things, including DD. I accept that you can’t have physical abuse without hitting, and you can’t have DD without hitting (spanking), but that doesn’t mean that DD is akin to abuse. No more than you can’t have a car crash without a car, but you can have a car without having a car crash.

Submission is Sexy
Surrendering yourself to someone is inherently erotic, as is the act of giving and receiving punishments. There is no getting around addressing how sex and DD will intertwine within your household. At first I looked at sex and DD as distinct, but now I realize there is an overlap. It is up to you and your partner to determine how much overlap.

There was a time when we are doing something sexual that I absolutely knew whether or not that activity was falling under our DD rules or not. Now, the lines are blurred and perhaps no longer exist. I believe this is because DD gave Mike and I the freedom to completely express ourselves sexually. So, when he asks (commands) me to do something sexually, or when I request something sexually, is that DD or is that just us?   The philosophies of transparency that I talked about in my prior post permeates everything we do, so the truth is, the influence of DD is in everything we do. DD is us.

Submission is Fearless
I believe submission terrifies many people because they see it as an absolute. A complete surrender of mind, body, and soul, which has no limitations.   Because of this they won’t even entertain the thought of submission. I believe this hides the real fear… fear of revealing ourselves.

I encourage everyone to fully reveal themselves to their partners. You can try to do this absent punishments, but for me it wouldn’t be the same.

Submission is Sensible
At first DD seemed irrational at best, insane at worst. But once I opened myself to the possibilities, I quickly saw how practical it could be.  Even though I couldn’t articulate it or possibly understand it as I now do, I still sensed it would bring me all the things that I have now received from DD.  I am a more loving person, in a more loving relationship, more energized, playful and respectful than ever before.  I am calm, I am at peace.  It just feels right and has made an immeasurable difference in our lives. It is functional, it is mindful, it is no-nonsense.  It is sensible!

The revelation that Domestic Discipline was Sensible is what motivated me to start this blog! I want others to consider the possibilities it holds for their own relationships. You can strip away the punishments, strip away anything sexual, and what I am advocating is for full and complete transparency in your relationship.  If you can find that without submission, good for you, but I would never have found it without domestic discipline.

There are other things submission means to me, but those are the ones most meaningful to me.  How would you complete the sentence, “Submission is . . . . “

I would love to hear you thoughts   Okay, just about time to remove these clamps!

NEXT – 28. Losing Myself?  (and a sexy story)