With Mike and Kayla in Orlando (last week) my cover story for Kayla’s absence was that she was spending a weekend with friends. That Saturday afternoon I left J with his cousins and uncle and my sister’s and I went out for lunch. I figured that was as good as time as any to “come out” about my DD lifestyle.
Before I share the details of what happened, know there was a lot more questions and answers than I cover here. I needed to condense their reaction and questions to keep the post from getting too long while still capturing the essence of what went on.
THE REVEAL
I started by mentioning that they had both previously told me some time ago that they noticed a difference in Mike and I. They described it as a “zest,” as if we seemed to have an extra spring in our steps. They sensed greater joy and contentment. At the time I told them that I attributed this to just a maturing in our relationship. Two kids basically out of the house and doing well, our finances in order, Mike’s job going well with a great flexible schedule allowing him to frequently work from home, and most importantly things going well with J. While he is far from independent, his physical needs have lessened as he is stronger and more agile than ever before. Add to that his anxiety and obsessiveness has lessened, reducing stress for everyone. In reminding them of this I stated that my explanation at the time was true, but incomplete. I left out one more ingredient to our mid-life peace and joy.
I said, “Well, there is one more thing to which I can attribute the things you’ve noticed. Almost two years ago I made a choice to be a submissive wife and give Mike authority over many things.”
They both had this sort of crooked half-smile peeking through tightened lips with a scrunched face, as if you are trying to get your lips, nose, and eyebrows to touch.
Sis 1 said, “What in the world do you mean?”
I repeated myself and nonchalantly and added, “Yeah, you heard it right.”
Sis 2 was quick to say, “Submissive how?” This reminded me so much of when the word “spanking” was uttered for the first time when introducing my idea of DD to Mike (Post 9. So…Like a Spanking?). There it was, the BIG question! I already had planned on an approach that would be like trying to peel an onion – I would reveal just one layer at a time versus just giving them a big bite of the onion.
LAYER 1
“Well, I simply defer to him on pretty much every decision. I still can share my thoughts, but often do not, and when I do, he can consider them or not, it’s his call. And we set up clear communication rules that we both follow. We share what is on our minds, but typically through a planned and constructive manner, such as a weekly meeting. It’s these meetings were I can bring up issues during the week that bothered or me or that I want clarified. Doing it this way, away from the heat of the moment, allows us to easily address those things but again, ultimately if Mike says ‘that’s the way it is’ then I accept it. Fortunately, he rarely has to be so definitive or demanding.”
There was more discourse between my sister’s and I, mainly consisting of me assuring them this was my idea. There was also the inevitable question, ”Why?”
LAYER 2
I tried not to focus too much on the “why” and instead focus more on the results, sharing with them much of the sentiments I shared on many posts, such as 26. Submission = Transparency = Love or 30. I Found My Thrill. I reminded them that they witnessed the change in me and in my relationship with Mike. I told them I couldn’t be happier. I also was clear that I don’t advocate this for anyone. My choice was not my commentary on what relationships or women’s roles should be. I don’t believe in women being submissive – I do believe in ME being submissive. I shared with them that I surprised myself with my initial interest in even trying this, and was surprised and relieved at Mike’s acceptance of it, and of course, have been thrilled with the results. I told them that whatever the amount of shock and disbelief they have with this, it pales with the level of shock and disbelief I had with myself when it all started.
LAYER 3
At some point Sis 2 brought up the Fifty Shades reference and said, “Are you submissive like that?” My response was, “I don’t relate to that as analogous to what Mike and I have, because that relationship is way different, but, if you mean, does Mike spank me, well, the answer is yes.”
Now their faces contorted in the opposite direction. Instead of “scrunch face” they had “stretch face.” As if you are trying to push your eyebrows to the top of your head while also trying to touch you chin to your chest.
Sis 2 was again quick to chime in. “You don’t mean like spank you spank you. You just mean like some spanking with sex?”
Again, as calmly and nonchalantly as possible I said, “No, I mean spank me as in punish me if I break a rule.”
Both of their heads exploded. My sisters are dead. Just kidding. Their shocked reaction was the “No way!” type of shock, not the “Oh no!” type of shock. They had these half smiles as they continued to ask questions. I was a bit coy, and told them that they don’t need to know all the details.
LAYER 4
I told them the story of how this all came about, much like you can read about in Post 2. The Backstory and Post 3. The Search. I shared with them the term “Domestic Discipline” and that while Mike has a lot of discretion, I created my rules and the structure for the punishments. I then told them that Mike and I have even “played” with others.
I anticipated Sis 1 wasn’t going to like that and Sis 2 would be like, “tell me more” and that was pretty much the reaction I got. Sis 1 was like, “That’s fine if it works for you, but I don’t want to know about it.” Sis 2 was like, “Oh I gotta’ hear this, you can tell me more later.” I told them there wasn’t more to tell. I just felt compelled to share this with them as we share so much together and being a submissive wife and being open to sexual exploration with Mike is an integral part of who I am and I don’t want to hide that from them. I told them that my intent is not to share all the details, but for them to know that this is an important part of my life, so important that I felt they needed to know. And now they do.
My sisters and I are loyal to the core. We always strive to understand each other, thus lots of questions. We are never judgmental. Never uttering the “how could you!” But we do help each other think through the pros and cons. In this case, I’ve analyzed my choices to death, and have considered every angle, more than once. So there wasn’t anything they asked or said that gave me pause. A lot of the questions were due to their preconceived notion of what “submissive” meant to them. Eventually I believe I got them to understand what it means to me.
LAYER 5
They had questions about how we kept this from our kids, especially J, and they rightfully were concerned about how the kids would react to this if they found out. I jokingly said that Mike and I had a “mental health savings account” to set aside money to help them with their therapy if they found out. In all seriousness, what kid wants to know anything about their parent’s kinks? Yuck!! I don’t think they would be the least bit interested in knowing anything about TTWD. There is always a risk that they walk in on something or hear something. We take a lot of precautions to prevent that but nothing is guaranteed. While having children shouldn’t keep a couple from their kinks, you do have to be creative and cautious to keep it under wraps. I didn’t give them details and just assured them we take proper precautions.
LAYER 6
Leave it to Sis 2, whose got the wilder imagination sex-wise, to connect the dots re Kayla. She suddenly blurted, “Oh my god, what about Kayla!” I slyly said, “Well, what do you think?” Suffice to say it was another barrage of questions and answers. Their biggest concern was her age and I echoed that. I reminded them that she is 22 and not 16, and that we have been very careful to allow her to set her own pace with things. Ultimately, I was able to make it clear that her living with us involves more than just a place for her to live, and that she is mature, but young, adult who is able to make decisions for herself. I reminded them that not only was I married at 22, but Sis 1 already had a three-year old when she was 22. While we all agree that today we are much smarter about life than we were at 22, none of us regret the decisions we made at that age. And even if, in hindsight, we can cite unwise decisions we made in our youth, there was nothing anyone could have told us at 22 that would have changed those decisions.
Sis 2 said something about whether I am spanked in front of Kayla. That’s when I said, “It happens, as well as her getting spanked in front of me.” Yet another round of questions! They hadn’t connected that the rules and punishments applied to her.
So, my sisters know I live a DD lifestyle, sans many of the details. They know that we have been with at least one other couple (I didn’t name John and Donna specifically as I didn’t think it fair to John and Donna for me to share this). And they know that Kayla is a live in “girlfriend” as they framed it. I didn’t feel it necessary to elaborate and explain that she means more to us than that label conveys. I believe I gave them enough news to digest for now.
Overall it went well, as well as I was expecting. It felt good to share. I felt even more committed and appreciative of my submission. There is something about a verbal affirmation to others that invigorates and reassures oneself. Much like this blog has done for me – but more so.
Next: 117. The Stick of Truth, Part I
Domestic Discipline, Jenny style! 