Tag Archives: retro

167. What is “Mine” versus What is “For Me.”

167

PREAMBLE
Mike and I began our Contract renegotiation.  Our first agreement on March 17, 2015, was good for 30 days – we were uncertain about what we were doing.  We made changes and with more confidence, we made the next one good for six months.   By that October we learned a lot and were ready to commit for a longer period of time.  Thus our third Contract is set to end October 17, 2017.

We know such contracts are not legal documents.  But they demonstrate and codify our commitments to each other.  Putting one together requires wonderful dialogue, reflection, and sharing.  It’s a wonderful process that brings us even closer together.

All rules are suspended during the renegotiation session (you can read more about how we do this in the Contract).  This allows me to speak freely and debate, if needed, any particular points without concern of punishments.  The renegotiation will likely occur over several sessions, depending on the amount of time we have and how quickly we progress.  This post is about our first session. 

COMMENCE NEGOTIATIONS
Mike wanted the first meeting to serve as an exchange of some general ideas.  Basically a “get everything on the table” regarding broad topics that we had in mind.  We could then have time to think about it and be better prepared to talk about them in more detail at our next meeting. 

OCTOBER 2015 VS OCTOBER 2017
Before we discussed changes, Mike asked me what I felt were the biggest differences between where we were two years ago and where we are today.    

I shared with Mike that I recognize it was necessary to start where we started, else we would never be where we are today.  Our current agreement was critical in my development towards the person (wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend, etc) I wanted to be.  Our current agreement was the right one at the right time – However, it is abundantly clear to me that it is time to replace Domestic Discipline that is MINE with Domestic Discipline that is FOR ME.

This is a huge change in my thinking.  I recognize that Pre-DD Jenny, or even Early-DD Jenny, would actually throw up a bit in her mouth over what I say or do today.   In my blog or in conversations with those aware of my dynamic, I easily say things like “I obey Mike” or “I was disobedient” or, “Mike leads me.”  In the past I shunned such vocabulary. Remember, I was raised to value being a strong, independent, and empowered woman in the most feminist meaning of those words (See Post 120 for my views on being a feminist).

When I started my search for ways to improve my life, I discovered more than Domestic Discipline.  I found the submissive within.  I am still surprised that it was in me, and can not deny the wonderful feelings I get from letting Mike lead.  Everything about my life is fuller, more robust, more rewarding, more fulfilling.

While I seek to have the specific rules and consequences of “My” DD to be no longer “mine,” they are most definitely still “for me,” as determined by Mike.

I know he holds my very best interests in his heart.  Any of his lines in the sand are never arbitrary or for his own selfish gain or amusement. It is not a power game with him.  While I want him to have satisfaction in his Dominance, I know that he does not first seek to gain anything for himself through his decisions.  It is for MY  benefit that he does these things.  It is for MY own good that he limits or encourages certain behaviors or says no or yes to certain desires of mine. 

I told him that I may not like his rules for me as much as I liked “my” rules for me;  however, unlike two years ago, I gain more satisfaction from knowing I am his.  I no longer want him to simply execute to “My DD.”  I want him to determine the DD that is right for me.   And THAT is the difference between where I was in October 2015 versus where I am in October 2017.

Mike was very pleased and touched by my answer.  The changes he has in mind are intended to better codify things.  Intended to represent where we are today and add more structure around my current commitments, duties, and obligations.  We had a dialogue about what those changes could entail and I came to understand that “structure equates to rules.”  Okay by me.

Mike frequently asked me my thoughts or suggestions.  I explained I didn’t want to overly influence what he wanted for me.  I prefer his own rules and expectations of what he sees as best for me.  Although our rules are suspended during the negotiations, I was still aware that when he asks my opinion, Mike does not like me to respond with a “Whatever you say.” Such a response is normally a punishable offense as it is dismissive of his request to hear my opinion.   So I was clear to explain that instead of me proposing suggestions, I would rather he propose what is on his mind and let me accept, modify, or reject it.  I am confident he now knows what is best regarding my duties and obligations. 

Wow – what a change from two years ago, as evidenced by Post 4. The Plan.  Mike provided a few general ideas as to what he was thinking:

50’s HOUSEWIFE?
Mike said, “Think the stereotypical 50’s housewife.”   Humm, okay, in a lot of ways I am already that regarding the household duties, ironing, stuff like that.  He didn’t reveal anything more specific to me other than to say again that it was about adding “structure” (rules) around much of what I do today.  Sounds good to me, but I had some reservations.

Too much structure and too many rules sounded a bit like the old me.  It reminded me of the problems that can arise with too many “intentions.”  (Post 30. I Found my Thrill).  Mike explained it in the context that he feels more structure could be helpful.  I often start my day with too many household plans that I can’t possibly complete or leave little wiggle room for the unexpected happenings of daily life.  He thinks that, if approached correctly, a more set routine could actually create more free time for me.   He said it isn’t about packing my day with countless chores, but reasonably scheduling them so that I don’t feel compelled to do anything other than what is on the list that day.    

Okay, sounds promising.

REWARDS
Mike talked about when we wrote the last Contract it was important to me that we referred to any discipline as “Rewards.”  He noted that I am now comfortable in referring to discipline as “punishments.”  I typically call them that when I blog and in conversation with Mike, Kayla, John, or Donna.  There was a time I never did that.  Mike was curious if I wanted to change the terminology for the new contract.

This reminded me of something I shared in my early posts about my approach to the Contract — Words are Power.   It is very important to choose the right words to convey what it is you intend something to be and even take the time to define what you mean by certain words.  We talked about it and it was very curious to me that now, two years later, Mike was more hung up than I was regarding the right term to use for my spankings and other punishments.  I told him I now longer felt it needed to be called a “Reward.”  While not final, I think we both agreed that for the new contract, the term “discipline” will suffice.  It’s called Domestic Discipline for a reason. 

SUBMISSION OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
Mike was admittedly vague, but said he wants to look at how I can be more submissive outside the house. He said it could be calling him Sir in front of everyone, anytime, or “holding myself” a certain way regarding dress or posture.  Basically being more transparent to the general public regarding my submissiveness.  Nothing crazy over the top – subtle things that was more about me maintaining a submissive mindset versus “flaunting” my submissiveness.  He wasn’t sure what it could actually mean in terms of rules of behavior, but something about the concept intrigues him.   We threw around a few ideas and agreed to both think more about it.  This one was unexpected but sounds interesting.  We shall see.  

HARD LIMITS
I did bring up one item myself.  I want to look at the hard limits more closely.  As we have pursued more D/s activities than we initially anticipated, I want to make sure my limits are clearly understood.  We didn’t talk specifics as the purpose of this first meeting was just to air the general topics, but Mike was supportive and reinforced I have full discretion on this matter. 

OVERALL
It is clear Mike is looking to add more rules around my daily activities, complete with discipline for failure to adhere.  I have some concerns that we codify this the right way so as not to run myself ragged and lose our great momentum regarding what we have achieved towards a happy, loving, nurturing, fulfilling, and purposeful household.

As I said before, all of this is enough to make Pre-DD Jenny throw up a bit.  But the today-Jenny was energized by this meeting.  I am excited to see some of the specific things Mike wants for me.   There is still enough of the Pre-DD Jenny in me that makes me feel compelled to explain my acceptance of this misogyny.  I still feel I am overall a feminist, as I defined in Post 120.  I believe every girl should be able to pursue their passion in life, whether it is to be a painter or the President, or be a Dom, a sub, or equals in their household.  It should never be about gender or societal expectations.  Their life should be about what is true for them.  Today, MY truth is in being a submissive wife.     

NEXT 168. New Domestic Discipline Rules