Tag Archives: relationship

79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealously, Guilt

jealous

I am very anxious. I need to purge my emotions, so apologize in advance if this becomes a rant. I don’t think I am saying anything I haven’t shared with Mike and Kayla, but perhaps some new or more constructive ways to express my feelings will emerge.  This is a continuation of what I’ve shared in this post and this post, and in this post as well.  Sorry to have to share as the events unfold, but it sure is great therapy to write this.

This whole thing with Kayla has me all out of sorts and I can’t put my mind to just about anything for more than a few seconds without it drifting back to our situation with Kayla. I already talked about the risks that concern me, such as the increased need to practice safe sex, the implications of Kayla being someone who our son is close to, and my motherly instincts being more prevalent when I interact with Kayla and thus makes it harder for my mind to see her in a certain way. In addition, my concern that her neediness may cause problems.

What if we pursued something?
Putting everything aside that I previously stated, the other issues are that if we did pursue a sexual relationship, what exactly would that entail?   F*ck-buddies?  Would she partake as a submissive?  It sure seems to be leaning toward the latter…and submissive to just Mike, or perhaps to me as well?  What would that be like?   These are all questions I’ve posed and the three of us have discussed. And here is where we stand.

F-buddies?
I only use this term because Kayla had used it to describe her relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend. Kayla said that she does not want that for the three of us, that we mean so much more to her and that it is so much deeper than just a physical interaction. She talked of saying she would end the sex with her best friend if we all pursued a relationship. She even used the term, “I love you guys.”   And of course, we love her, she knows that, and we said so.   While that could be a good thing, to me, it is part of my struggle.   The situation could set her up for disappointment or hurt later on. I can only imagine what being “the third wheel” could be like and beyond disappointment and hurt, it could build resentment on her part.   Bottom line, it could turn our great relationship into an unhealthy one for her. That has implications for all of us.

And, just what kind of relationship would this be?   I guess it could be called poly, which I’ve never really considered. I have no qualms with that term, but, is that what this would be? Kayla uses the term “relationship” so there seems to be a certain level to commitment she is willing to make, but are we?

Her as a submissive?
When I think about this I actually feel two feelings that rarely surface in me. I feel a level of resentment with a dash of jealousy.   I am not a jealous person by nature, it is very un-me! I don’t like it. Here’s what’s going through my mind.

Waves of Resentment.

  • I work hard on my submissiveness, she may not take it as seriously as I do. She may not be committed to it as I am. She may look at it as simply a game.   I resent all of that.
  • What rules would she have? Same as me? Different? If different, are they less/more restrictive than mine? If she can do something without punishment but I can’t, well, that’s just messed up. Who does she think she is? I resent that.
  • Would she also be accountable to me? I like that, but we would have figure out how that works as ultimately I do want Mike to be the ultimate authority figure and I want to be fair with Kayla. However, I like the idea that there is something to remind Kayla that despite her participation, she is not my peer. If she thinks of me as a peer, I resent that!
  • Her level of commitment could never be consistent just due to lifestyle. She lives with her mom and goes to school. What, she comes over now and then when she chooses?   It makes it seem more like a game for her and not a lifestyle. Again, I take my commitment seriously and she will just be unable to do the same, even if she wanted to. I resent that!

Add in some Guilt.
Then I begin feeling guilty. Why wasn’t my first response to Kayla not one of compassion but instead a series of assessments as to her “fitness” to be with us?  See, the resentment is already manifesting itself in unhealthy ways as it poisons my empathy and compassion.

I shared just about everything I’ve written here with her, and of course, it did make her sad and she cried.  Not a full on cry, but teary eyed and emotional.  I know it wasn’t just in what I said, but in the manner in which I said it.  I know my tone was somewhat biting.  I apologized for my tone and tried to explain that it is not about a deficiency in her, it is about the realities of where she is at in life compared to ours and that despite our mutual love and respect, it just may be incompatible to the type of relationship we are considering.

All of my concerns are just as much about my own baggage and needs as it is about hers.   Ug, that sounded a bit like, “it’s not you, it’s me.”   But I want her to know I don’t see her as unworthy.

Dash of Insecurity?
I also have concerns about priorities. Will Kayla be a high enough priority for Mike and I that we do right by her, and will we be a high enough priority that she does right by us?  In other words, do we end up just considering each other as “available options” or is the relationship to be more meaningful than that. Not that whatever we have can’t be casual if that is what we decide, or that it can’t be more meaningful if that is what we decide, but each route has implications.

We all are works in progress to some degree, but Kayla, given her age and background is just more so.  I also am aware that whatever issues a person has they bring to any relationship. That’s a given and by itself not necessarily a problem.  But it can become one if that person is not willing to work on their own issues or allow help from their partners.   So far Kayla has impressed me with her own self-awareness of her needs, her strengths, and her weaknesses.  Including her willingness to seek advice and guidance and be open to constructive feedback.  That’s a plus, but apparently not enough to eliminate my concerns.

While I have been very impressed with Kayla’s reaction and responses, it has not lessened my anxiety about all these things. Yes, she has some needs, but don’t we all. She’s loving, caring, and self-aware, has some abandonment type issues with her parents but recognizes that and does not shy away from it. I can see that this could be fun and could be meaningful. But, my life is so good right now, and has already moved pretty fast in just the last 18 months. None of the positives I see with Kayla are enough to reduce my anxiety, resentment, and jealously, nor reduce my guilt for feeling anxious, resentment, and jealous.  And then we have the concerns I first expressed in my other posts.  Concerns about complicating my life and the fact Kayla is someone special to my son.

All these bad feelings.
 
Sum it all up and another significant roadblock is whether or not we could ever have an arrangement where I don’t feel these negative feelings.  I don’t want to feel these things but that doesn’t change the fact that right now I do.  I know these feeling would end up manifesting themselves in various unhealthy ways. Unhealthy for me, my relationship with Mike, and for Kayla.   If I can’t get past these feelings, we just can’t move forward.

Mike and Kayla both seem to be outpacing me on this issue. While they are not dismissive of my concerns, they feel more carefree about just diving in, living life, and what happens will happen. I have reiterated with Mike that I stand by my commitments to him and will abide by anything he decides.

Where we are today
Mike said we should having a “cooling off” period so we all can reflect and continue to discuss our feelings.  That makes me happy and does reduce my anxiety a bit.  Mike set a date of November 15, where he said no decisions should be made before then. We’ll reassess on that date and he may decide we continue to wait or not, assuming Kayla is aboard with what he decides – which apparently she is.

One question I posed to Kayla that she has not been able to fully articulate is how she sees this dynamic working in her mind. What does she see as the ideal situation for her?   She has shared bits and pieces but hasn’t thought it through enough, so I am hopeful some additional time will allow her to understand and share her own needs and expectations better.   I hope that for myself as well.

Next:  80.  Breakthrough.  What a Week!

74. Interview with Sir

notes

I figured I’d change this up and share a conversation I had with Mike, but in the form of an interview.  I asked him if I could do a Q&A and share it with you all, and this is the result. I hope you enjoy.

After reading it I think my interview skills are lame, so if there are other questions you would have, let me know.  

Jen:  What did you think when I first suggested DD?

Mike:  Honestly, I didn’t know what to think.  I wasn’t sure what you really meant, how far you wanted to take it, or any of that.  My initial reaction was to try to understand what you were feeling and what you felt it would help address, and then, it was all about understanding what DD was in general, let alone the version you wanted for yourself.   What do you think about my initial reaction?

Jen:   Hey, I am asking the questions, Sir, but as always, I was amused by how serious you took it.  You didn’t seem aroused by the sexual overtones or shocked by the fact I was willing to be submissive.    You approached it in your matter-of-fact style you approach everything.   Why do you think that was?

Mike:  You know my style has been to always try to seek to understand before seeking to be understood.   This was no different.  I really wanted to understand what it all means, what YOU meant by it, and then form my own thoughts and feelings about it. 

Jen:  And once you formed those thoughts and feelings, what did you think?

Mike:  As you know, I was for it.  You were very fervent in your belief on what it could do for you and for us.  It was convincing.   Once I understood what it meant and what it meant to you, then I was able to let my imagination run a bit and think about the possibilities.  Honestly, it was a turn on, but even so, I wasn’t sure how far you really would go with it.

Jen:  That’s my Sir, mister analyze and survey the area before making a decision.

Mike: Yes, and when it comes to our relationship, I think that is why in the past you’ve perceived me as more submissive.  I am not prone to just give you my off the cuff reaction to something.  I’ll hear you out and, because I love you, my inclination is to look for ways to make you happy and have what you want. 

Jen: Has it been difficult to adjust to being Dominant?

Mike:  Yes, but clearly you’ve had to make the far greater adjustment, so, anything I had to adjust to pales in comparison.  

Jen:   Thank you for recognizing that, Sir, but tell me about the adjustments you had to made?

Mike:  It really comes down to having to be more assertive, and when assertive,  I don’t always have time to think through a situation for the length of time as I’ve been accustomed to thinking things through.  And, I don’t always seek understanding when coming to a conclusion.  I simply seek to be understood as quickly and clearly as possible.  It means I have to not only make quick decisions, whether it means to give you quick instructions or a quick punishment, but I have to do so very emphatically and with confidence.  

Jen:  How has that impacted you?

Mike:  It helps in that I know that you know I won’t be perfect.  That the way we structured things allows you to give me feedback and help me know what I need to do better.   At first I needed a lot of validation in what I was doing.  We finally reached a point where I don’t rely on that validation.  I still like to hear it, but it isn’t a requirement anymore.  Early on, I needed you to help guide me so I that I understood that I was actually delivering what you were looking for.

Jen:  And if you have to sum it up, what is it that I was looking for, and still want?

Mike:  You want to truly serve me.  The real me.  Not that version of me that may suppress my inclinations or desires in favor of yours, but the actual me.  And I learned that it is okay if I am irrational at times, as that is part of being human.  For some time I had this thought that you would think less of me if I asked you to do something or if I did something to you that you didn’t like.  It took me some time to know that you wanted me to show you all of myself, all of my thoughts and desires, and that you were completely willing to fulfill them.   When I think of how I was prior to DD, I think part of what you were missing is that I wasn’t giving you all of me.  It seems odd, but, by you giving all of yourself, it has made me reveal all of myself.   You know every impulse I have, and you not only accept them, but you embrace them.  I am very lucky to have you.

Jen:  Aw, shucks.  Thank you, Sir.   How would you sum up our differences?

Mike:  That’s easy, I’ve said it many times before.  I was raised to value planning.  I thought things through, planned what I was going to do, and then executed the plan.  I did this to avoid mistakes in life.
You, on the other hand, were raised that if you aren’t making enough mistakes in life, you aren’t living.   That’s what always attracted me to you.  Much more impulse, less thinking.  While it is still my nature to be planning oriented, you’ve helped me be more spontaneous and less concerned with negative consequences.  Our DD has taken that to another level, especially our evolution towards a more D/s relationship.   And it has influenced me outside the house.  At work I am far more decisive and commanding.  While I’ve been in a leadership role for most of my career, I believe I am far more effective now than say two years ago.   

Jen:  So you are more dominant at work?

Mike:  No, I wouldn’t call my style more dominant, just more decisive.  I am deciding things faster and more decisively than before.   I still get all the appropriate inputs, but I don’t dwell on them for as long.

Jen:  What do you like most about our DD?

Mike:  Honestly, I do enjoy the control.  Who wouldn’t?   It is empowering to be given such control over someone.  But it isn’t the control itself, it is the fact that you wanted to give it to me.  In other words, it isn’t my dominance that I like the most, it is your submissiveness.  I also enjoy the intimacy.  The intimacy that has resulted in both of us fully revealing ourselves to each other, but also the specific physical intimacy of the punishments and the sex.

Jen:  Talk about the sex.  How is it different now?

Mike:  If you are just talking about the two of us, it is just far more passionate and physical.  We have freed ourselves of anything that could possibly hold us back.  We ask for and receive whatever we want.  That’s pretty amazing. 

Jen:  What about sex with John and Donna?  How do you feel about that?

Mike:  I am fine with it.  I don’t give it much more thought than if you enjoyed spending time with them just talking and having a barbecue.   I want you to enjoy yourself, and sex is just another way to do that.  It turns me on that you are sexual and that you like sex.   I enjoy watching you enjoy yourself and I enjoy knowing you are enjoying yourself, even if I am not there.   It doesn’t minimize your love for me or negatively impact our love in any way. 

Jen:  Had you had thoughts of sharing me with others before?

Mike:  I don’t think of it as sharing you.  Maybe more of allowing you to share yourself.  And, no, other than fantasies of threesomes – which I thought would never actually happen – it hadn’t even been something that came to mind before. 

Jen:  Does it surprise you that basically you and I are now swingers, albeit with just John and Donna?

Mike:  Hell yes.  Don’t really need to elaborate on that.  I am very surprised.  But in a good way.

Jen:  Are there things you wish I would do better?

Mike:  Yes, and we have talked about this before.  I wish you would rest more.  I like the fact you keep the house immaculate, but frankly I don’t mind if you skipped dusting or vacuuming here and there.  The reason I don’t decree that you rest is because you make it clear you enjoy it and want to maintain responsibility for doing it.   Although, I do give you permission to take time off now and then.

Jen:  Yes you do, and I appreciate it.  Speaking of which, it’s been awhile since I had a spa day, Sir.

Mike:  But aren’t those special days special because I surprise you with them?  Where’s the surprise if you have to ask for them.

Jen:  Yes, Sir, I understand.   Just sayin’.

Mike:   Noted.

Jen:  Are there sexual things for us that you are looking forward to exploring?

Mike:  Yes, but nothing specific.  Just knowing we practically have no boundaries is what excites me.   Right now we are both good with our routine and our time with John and Donna.  We haven’t sought out anything more.  We did attend those two FetLife functions some months ago, and perhaps we will get back to that, but, there isn’t this pressing feeling that we need to push those limits right now. 

Jen:  You aren’t’ giving my readers anything spicy, Sir.

Mike:  Okay then.  I’ll share a fantasy with them that I’ve shared with you.   It is you, tied up naked with many people watching as one or more from the crowd, male and female, come up and use you sexually and when they are done, others step up and continue.

Jen:   What would you put the likelihood on that happening some day?

Mike:   What’s the likelihood you would do it?

Jen:  100% if it is what you wanted, Sir.

Mike:   I thought so.  Actually, I’d put the chances at very slim.  It would take knowing a lot more people who were into such things and with us being as comfortable with them as we are with John and Donna.  I don’t see it happening, but I guess you never know.  I never thought that one day I’d be spanking you.

Jen:  Do you have a favorite spanking implement?

Mike:  My hand is my favorite.  Far more control and much more intimate.  I like the tawse and I like the wide paddles.  In order I would say I enjoy the ones that cause you to make more sounds – more grunts and moans, and the ones that make louder sounds when they impact, and by the marks they leave.

Jen:  Thank you for giving me the opportunity to share your thoughts today Sir.

Mike:  No problem.  By the way, you asked me several questions without calling me “Sir”

Jen:  (drops pants and bends over).

NEXT:  75.  Public Display of Submission.

 

45. Argument – Part 2

If you missed it, read Argument – Part I first.

I didn’t intend to leave you with a cliff hanger, but I ran out of time, plus the last post was kinda long anyway.  Hopefully the suspense was fun.

What was on the bed?

On the bed was the Prison Strap, and our Contract.  Laying on top of the contract was a pair of scissors.

The message was clear.  Mike was giving me a choice.  Either forget our DD, or not.

I got to give Mike credit.   He has always remained so calm and cool throughout our DD journey.   He has been unwavering in using our DD in the way I designed it and for honoring the intentions I had for DD.  He has always been sure to make DD about me and my commitments to myself, and nothing else.  His gesture with these two objects was a reminder that I had choice – either my Duties or Obligations that I created and I committed to are important and valuable, or, they are not.  In fact, this was eerily similar to the exact same reminder I had just given him a week or so ago when he suggested we defer our Maintenance Sessions and I asked them to continue because I didn’t want us drifting off course with our DD.

So, what was my choice?  Strap or the scissors?

The scissors of course.  Hell if I am going to endure that Prison Strap.

Domestic Discipline Out.   End of Domestic Discipline, Jenny Style!

 – Goodbye! – 

Just kidding!  I went with the strap.

I cried because it was the perfect gesture at the perfect time.  I needed something to cut through the noise of life and get me refocused on what is most important to me.   It also reminded me that our DD is about me and what I want.  Mike is willing to take it or leave it.  He participates because he knows it is important to me, and by being important to me, it is important to him.  It reminded me that in some ways he is also a submissive.  He is submitting to my desire to be submissive.  I can’t believe I just yelled at him and told him I can’t believe what he is doing to me.  Everything he has done under DD is what I’ve asked for. What I said to him was horrible.

I undressed, picked up the strap, and walked to his office, despite the proximity to my son’s room.

I walked in and he didn’t say anything.  I took a submissive pose and knelt before him and raised up my arms to present the strap to him.  He did not immediately grab it.  I was still crying a little as I was emotional about the mere thought of cutting up the Contract and I felt terrible about my behavior.

Mike said, “Jen, why are you due this Reward.”

It wasn’t lost on me that he said “Reward.”  We had got into the habit of just calling these punishments, although in our Contract we called punishments “rewards.”  It was another indicator that we were recommitting to honoring our Contract.

We went through our Reward Ceremony as usual where I state my transgressions and apologize for not living up to the standards I set for myself.  Mike then took the strap and placed his outstretched fingers on my chin and raised my head up so I was looking him in the eyes.  He kept his lecture short,

“Jen, your Rewards always represent failing to meet your own standards.  They are never given in anger, or with malice.  They are given because you want them and because you want them, I want them for you.”

He sat in his chair and motioned me over his knee.  He gave me the 10 warm ups by hand.

“Now” he said, “bend over and prop your elbows on my desk.”

I felt the fire on the first swat and gave out a little yell.  More in surprise than in pain.  This strap is very long and wraps around the ass so that it not only fully covers both cheeks, it catches a bit of the side.

The second came with more force than the first.  I let out a groan, clenched me teeth, and gave out a long “ERRRRR.”  Mike paused a bit and let me regain my composure and position.

Third one. Whack!   Had this been any other punishment I would have used my safe word and asked him pause, but I was of a mindset that I needed to take this full Reward.   I started crying.  I don’t cry a lot from Rewards, and when I do, it is more about the emotional release – letting go the frustrations, the stress, the negative behavior – than it is about pain. While this spanking hurt, the reasons for this cry were no different.

Fourth one.  Whack.  I don’t know if it was on purpose or Mike just missed a bit, but the end of the strap hit just one cheek, giving it an extra powerful sting.   I cried louder and frankly, this time it was more about the pain.  I called “Pause,” our safe word meaning to give me break.  It doesn’t mean stop.   Mike then said there would just be one more and to just let him know when I was ready.  I caught my breath and eventually told him I was ready.

The fifth one came and my ass was on fire and I had to quickly start rubbing it.

We followed our normal after care process and ended with our routine where Mike says, “All is forgiven” and I say back, “All is forgiven.”

And that was that.  We are back on track with our Domestic Discipline!

Next:  46. Reflections: Service, Submission, Brass Tacks, and Colonel Jessup?

26. Submission = Transparency = Love

Where am I today with my DD?  No, this isn’t going to be about the latest punishment.  This one is going to be more the emotional touchy-feeling part of DD.  It’s my favorite part to share, but probably the least fun to read about.  So, “no pull-down your pants and bend over” stories today, but I hope you find it enlightening and thought provoking.

I am sure of me.
Technically I am a relatively newbie to DD, having started this lifestyle 14 months ago in March 2015.   However, I already feel like a veteran.  I have received far greater personal satisfaction from DD than I ever imaged.  I am at peace with myself, my thoughts, my aspirations, and my desires.  I am “sure” of myself.

I am sure of Mike.
My relationship with Mike is almost indescribable.  I can describe it, but it would likely sound like a fairy tale, almost delusional.  But the fact is, we are closer than ever.  We absolutely share everything and do so without judgement and with full acceptance.  The most succinct way I can possibly describe it is that we are sure of each other.  Sure of our intentions, sure of our love, and sure of respect.  This sureness translates into a oneness that again is hard for me to put into words.  I again refer back to the U2 lyric that goes, “We are one, but not the same.”   That’s Mike and I.

Path to Oneness:  Transparency, not Surrender
No question, we could have not have reached this point or have moved there so quickly if it wasn’t for DD. I often think about why that is.  I believe in order to get to complete oneness, someone in the couple must surrender themselves to the other.  To me, surrender is not about enslavement, it is about revealing oneself, it is about transparency.

A full and complete surrender breaks down every emotional wall that stands between you and your partner.  All sense of shame, embarrassment, and self will vanish.  Even though technically you are the submissive one, if you have the right partner they too surrender parts of themselves to you.  Once the “full reveal” is complete, both parties will have achieved total transparency with themselves and with each other.  They can now see, feel, touch, and explore both themselves and the other like never before.  This creates the self-actualization within both individuals, and leads to the oneness with each other.

Is DD the only way?
Of course not.  But it was the way for me.  For me, I can’t imagine getting to the level of surrender that would lead to complete transparency in any way other than DD.  If you can find some other way that works for you, go for it – but I encourage you to find that way, because complete transparency is truly amazing!

Why must one first surrender to the other?
I lack any research and can only surmise that it is much like a “you go first” mentality that humans have about revealing themselves.  Absent something dramatic, “the reveal” can take many years of incrementally sharing more of yourself with your partner.  I believe most of us go through life without ever fully revealing to our partner our thoughts, dreams, desires, preferences, likes, dislikes, compulsions, hang-ups, kinks, etc.  And I don’t mean just hinting around those things, but actually clearly and consistently sharing those things.   It is just too uncomfortable, even with a life-long partner.

Once one person fully surrenders, something magical happens that causes the other to surrender as well. Each person becomes “sure” of themselves, and in turn, becomes “sure” of each other.  While technically only one person has “surrendered” and is the submissive, both people have given of themselves to achieve total transparency in the relationship.

Thinking about that is so sad to me now.  I think of all the years that I wasn’t 100% present to Mike, and that he wasn’t 100% present to me.  In the past I would have told you our relationship was great.  I was oblivious to what “great” really meant.  Frankly, I didn’t realize this level of greatness existed.  I didn’t understand transparency.  Thanks to DD, I do now.   Submission equals transparency equals love.
Next – 27 Jenny’s Doctrine of Submission

 

9. So…like a spanking?

So…Mike has asked me what type of punishments I was talking about.  I purposely didn’t want to talk specifics.  I didn’t want the focus to be on punishments. I wanted the focus to be on my duties and obligations and the outcome.  But I knew the punishment had to be addressed.  It is the most salacious, intriguing and shocking thing of DD.  I had to come up with something to say that would satisfy him for now, but wouldn’t get us into the details.

Again I went into the mode of focusing on the outcome, not the specifics. While still avoiding the “S” word, my answer was, “Well, we should both agree on what a good punishment is. Of course, it has to be something unpleasant in order to be a deterrent as well as a reminder to do better.   It could be physical punishments at times as well as non-physical consequences depending on what we agree upon.”

With that, he said the word for the first time…”So, like a spanking?”    When he said that I felt a great release, similar to what I felt when I surrender to the idea of being spanked.  There it was, out in the open.   The thing that I was still uncertain about but felt was necessary. The thing that I was most worried about both in his acceptance of giving spankings and my willingness to receive them.

Having heard the words and seeing Mike remaining calm and feeling confident in the progress of our conversation, I confidently responded, “Yes, spankings should be part of it.”  He then asked, “Well, what else besides spankings.”

I explained that the intent is not to humiliate me, it is to keep me focused and to get me to perform as a person, a mother, and a wife the way that I want to perform, not the way he necessarily wants me to perform.  In fact, what he wants must match what I want for myself.  It isn’t him punishing me for failing to do what he thinks is right, it is only for failing to do what I committed to doing.  So while it cannot humiliate, there should be an element of discomfort so that I will be motivated to avoid that discomfort in the future.  So, with that, I told him I think spankings are definitely in order, and at other times it could mean a time out….going to our bedroom to be alone or stand in a corner.

I told him we didn’t have to figure all of that out right now, and I know this was lot to process.  I shared that I have been reading about this type of lifestyle and we should read some stuff together.  From there I suggested we both understand the pros and cons and get an idea on how we will incorporate this in our lives.  Note that I said “will incorporate…”  Remember, I am in charge and I am used to getting what I want.  I also wanted him to know I was very serious and I didn’t want to use any words that sounded like I was unsure.  It was only then that I shared the term with him and explained it is often called “Domestic Discipline.”

I was relieved the conversation did not linger on the details of punishment.  Instead he moved on and asked why I thought this would be good for me and he apologized for not doing anything to address my stress levels (remember, I told you Mike was a good guy). He said he will gladly do whatever I felt would help me but he asked me why I thought this was the best way.

I shared some of those things I already shared in this blog about my thought process and more.  I told him I very much wanted to surrender myself to him because I loved and trusted him, and I felt it would allow me to be the person I want to be for myself, for my kids, and for him.  I felt anything short of this type of surrender would not work.

He asked many of the same questions I already asked myself.  I had to reassure him I was completely willing to be punished by him and I expect it to be unpleasant, but that is the point, and that is what I want.  He said he was on-board with figuring this out with me.
It was clear that Mike truly cared about my feelings and wasn’t going to jump into anything this drastic without understanding that it is something I very much wanted to do.

I quickly showed him the duties and obligations I had written for myself as I was eager to share them.  We then went to online and together read through a bunch of stuff I had bookmarked for us.  After talking through many different issues over about three or four days, we got to a basic agreement on what our approach was going to be.  Now, it was very important that we commit, in writing, to how our DD lifestyle was going to work.

NEXT – 10. My Approach to our DD Contract!

2. The Backstory: Love life…every moment, every day.

I believe sharing the details of my story can enable you to find a path toward greater fulfillment and satisfaction in life, so you too can “love life, every moment, every day.” 

This “creed’ was instilled in me by my mother.  I’d like to say this came about because my mother was a strong, independent woman, but that would be a lie.  She grew up in a very misogynistic environment and my dad did not provide respite from the misogyny she knew as a girl.  Perhaps that is why it was so important to her that I would love life, every moment, every day.

She never told me exactly what the term meant.  She knew I needed to discover that for myself.  What it came to mean was that if there was an aspect about my life that I did not love, I, and I alone, was responsible for changing it.  No man, no drug, no other person.  Just me.   Thus, I, Jennifer, grew up a very self-empowered woman.

Yes, my name is Jennifer, Jenny to most, although my family calls me Sadie.  I can thank a cousin for that nickname.  That story isn’t important to my journey, but I mention it just in case I refer to myself as Sadie later on.  I often think of myself as Sadie in the context of recalling stories from my youth.

Anyway, back to my story.  Yes, I grew up very self-empowered and “with it.”  That self-empowerment led to me being the informal psychologist, coach, mentor, and confidant to many family and friends.  I was the one that “had it all together.”

Mike and I got married when I was 21, he was 22.  I admit I was the more dominant one and in aspects of our relationship I still feel I am, but as you’ll learn, that no longer applies in many ways.  I had it “all together” and “knew” how things should be so Mike pretty much learned to defer to me.  I know I frustrated him at times.  It wasn’t that I didn’t want his input, but, I was stuck on the fact the loving life meant things had to happen a certain way.  How can I honor my “creed” if I suppressed my hopes and desires?  Okay, so, I became selfish, but justified it because if I can’t be happy, then I can’t make others happy.  Basic psychology, right?

Then came kids.  I was a high school counselor (see, credentials to “prove” I could solve problems) but quickly put my career aside to be a stay at home mom (SAHM) after a short stint back at work after the birth of our first.  It was always my desire to focus on my kids without worrying about a regular job – that was loving life.  Mike accepted me as a SAHM although he would have preferred I return to work.  Being a SAHM was always my plan and I also justified it because my husband made an income that “I” felt we could live on and maintain the lifestyle that “I” wanted for my family.

So, three kids later (all sons).   The eldest is just wrapping up post-grad work and lives on his own.  My middle is out of the house and half-way through college.  My youngest is still at home and has special needs and will never be independent.  With all three kids I threw myself into maintaining my mantra, “Love life…every moment, every day.”

It worked well for many years, but then in the last few years morphed into a terrible thing.  I kept placing greater and greater demands on myself.  Maybe it was because of the needs of our youngest, but I became increasingly focused on controlling everything.  This meant trying to solve everything for everyone – not just my problems, my husbands, or kids, but my siblings, in-laws, nieces, nephews, and friends.  It grew to mean I must not only meet my needs, but meet everyone else’s, and even anticipate them and meet them before they even knew they had them.  Add in the extreme demands of a special needs child, and I was overloaded.

The overload showed.  I would “trick” myself to convince myself of my happiness, but those tricks were wearing off.  I was argumentative with my husband, I became moody and a slob.  My husband said I was like a storm leaving a mess in my wake wherever I went in the house.  Not only did I rarely clean anymore, but I was compounding the cleaning work for my husband.  Up until then I would say we split the chores adequately (I did most but he  did his share).  Household chores had never been a point of argument.  We had a system and it worked, until I started messing it up.

I became forgetful- constantly losing or misplacing things or even just forgetting what I was talking about.  I felt like too many thoughts at once were going on in my head. Maybe all that noise in my head also caused a distraction because I also became a klutz.  I dropped and cracked three cell phones in less than a year, I lost my car keys, my credit card, plus constantly losing things around the house.  I lost interest in keeping within a budget – if I wanted something, I got it on impulse.   I started staying up later and later to binge watch television, often until 2 a.m. Because of all of that, I wasn’t getting good rest.   Add to that the physically and emotionally demanding days of caring for our son (plus caring for everyone else’s needs) and 4-5 hours of sleep just won’t cut it.

Arguments with my husband increased – too many nights of silent treatment, yelling, or one of us storming off to sleep in the spare room.  Most of the arguments were of my own doing but you could not have convinced me of that at that time.  After all, I was “loving life!”   My husband was losing patience and I could feel he was becoming less and less loving, despite efforts to try and express his love.  He would tell me of the amazing job I was doing with our son and that picking up some extra household chores was a simple way to honor and respect what I was doing with our son.  (Did I tell you how wonderful Mike is?)  While I appreciated those words, I knew I was letting him down, and by letting him down, I was letting myself down.  This went on for about a year

I am someone in constant self-reflection and frankly, for a long time my self-reflection was dishonest.  My internal monologue was like this, “yep, I made the right decision, even if the outcome wasn’t what I thought it would be, so there isn’t anything I should change.”

Finally the breakthrough.  I realized I was not loving life, not for any moment, not any day, and I needed to change.   I was probably clinically depressed, but being who I am I felt I created the problem and I can fix it.  Once I had admitted to myself I had a problem, my mind kicked into overdrive on how I was going to correct it because I knew I could solve this problem.

Skipping over the details for a moment, suffice to say it all changed March 17, 2015.  Almost immediately on that date my life changed in wonderful, positive, and previously unimaginable ways.  I am truly loving life, every moment, every day.   And all without aide of anti-depressants!  My drug was Domestic Discipline (DD).

I am certain my specific path is not for you to take.  However, there are elements of my journey that I am convinced can help everyone.   My hope is that you will focus on the basic principles that are providing my love for life and don’t focus on my specific methods.

No two DD lifestyles are the same and some may say what I practice is an odd form of DD. You may not like my methods or ever do anything that remotely could be called DD.  But if you can suspend your judgement while reading my blog, perhaps, just maybe, you can come away with how you might apply some of the principles I use in a way that best suits you and your relationship.

So, how did my search to improve my life lead me to DD?
NEXT – 3. The Search.

1. DD convert

I want to share my experience that completely transformed my life in ways I could not have previously imagined. I had become lazy, forgetful, argumentative, and indecisive – in short, I was not living life according to my own personal commitments, wishes, and desires.  That all changed almost overnight.  I found a way of living that allows me to best honor all the commitments I make to myself.   

I know my path is unique and my methods are not for everyone – and may even shock you.  None-the-less, I am convinced that many of the concepts of my journey will help you, even if you find different methods to apply those concepts.  Please suspend all judgement and open yourself to the possibility that you can achieve a greater satisfaction in life and in love by applying some of the principles I will be sharing on subsequent blog posts.

Next: 2. The Backstory.