Tag Archives: reflection

272. The end? Doubtful. . .

272

Yeah, I know, I have been lazy when it comes to posting lately.   Uninspired is probably a better word.  Sure, there is the hustle and bustle of summer which always impacts some of my “me” time, but honestly, I just haven’t felt motivated to post.

The good news is today was the start of school – J’s senior year in high school!   However, that increase in “me” time may no translate into more posts.  Here’s why. 

FIZZLE TO MY SIZZLE
I was excited to 
share my path to DD when I first started blogging.  Once shared, my writing then helped me reflect and reconcile various thoughts racing through my mind.   And I needed an outlet for sharing my amazing journey.  Our openness to explore DD led us to experiences that I never could have imagined, both sexual and otherwise.  Blogging has become a self-affirmation exercise and it feels good.  It is liberating and fulfilling to “shout” out important parts of who I am, the choices I make, and the things I enjoy.   This is especially important when much of my life is outside cultural norms.  

I think this was part of what motivated my “Whore” post.  I wanted to own that word, wear it as a badge of honor to take the power away from those who may want to hurl it at me.  

I now realize that to some extent, my self-affirmations have been part of my coming to terms with my need for submission.  I’ve known from the start that I needed DD – I thrive in it, I enjoy it, I am fulfilled by it.   But admitting that wasn’t always easy.  In some ways being submissive was a threat to my own concepts of myself, concepts I was raised with regarding women empowerment.   I responded to this threat by promoting the values of being submissive – in other words, I was promoting my own sense of self.

I felt this threat when I first adopted DD.  Then, I felt it as our relationship with John and Donna progressed and our sexual adventures progressed.  I felt it again when Kayla entered our household, and I felt it again as “My DD” evolved into a “DD for me.”

Blogging has been a self-affirming way to address those threats.   And now?    I love where I am as a wife, mother, lover, friend, person.  I remain passionate about where I am at and for what it requires to maintain it – submission.   I am not threatened by where I am.  I rejoice in having arrived here!  

DD 3.0 INSTALL IS COMPLETE
It’s only been about a year since “my’ DD began evolving from being Domestic Discipline that is 
MINE to Domestic Discipline that is FOR ME (Post 167).  That evolution was fueled by our last Agreement.  And a revelation I had over our recent Immersion is that this evolution is now complete.   

While this gives me a tremendous sense of accomplishment and peace, it has sort of left me with this “meh” feeling about writing.   It’s as if my writing was driving me towards something – a completely unknown destination.  The more I wrote,  the closer I knew I was getting somewhere.   It was a destination I couldn’t describe or see, but one that I would simply recognize when I got there.   I feel I am there now.  Our 2018 Immersion made me realize that.   

THE END?
Similar to how my DD got started, I believe my blog has been a selfish exercise.  I write for me.  I will continue to do so, but probably less regularly.  Maybe something will occur here and there that fills me with that same wonder and amazement that compelled my early desires to write.  Or something sparks that need to “shout it” to you all, as a self affirming declaration to readers.   
My passion for being submissive has not diminished, but it has evolved.  Day-to-day I am so immensely content and secure in my choices (i.e. not threatened) that I don’t have the same drive or need for affirmation. 

MORE TO COME!
HOWEVER. . .  you should know by now that I am quick to embrace a thought or desire and turn it into an actual pursuit.   Thus, I suspect it won’t be long before I need to share my excitement about such pursuits.  That sharing will be complete with what happened, reflecting on it, reconciling it, and affirming my feelings about it.   Yep, I anticipate there will be plenty to write about, but perhaps at slower pace?  Maybe not?

For instance, I still owe you insight into Immersion 2018!

Next post (coming soon), I promise!

Next:  Immersion 2018

40. Kink in Routine / Reflections

A KINK IN OUR ROUTINE!
Ha. Not the kind of kink you were expecting — I’ve mentioned before that our Domestic Discipline lifestyle has been challenged a bit lately as our youngest it out of school and our middle child is home for a few weeks before returning to college for a summer semester.

It was a bit of a crazy adjustment as we went from our “normal” DD, to our M/s experiment, then to this modified DD as the kids are home. . .practically no more immediate punishments and only a few Prompt ones as well. Most all are Delayed until night time. (See my DD Contract re Immediate, Prompt and Delayed). Delayed ones are less gratifying for sure, and sometimes it isn’t practical to give multiple Rewards all at one time.  We’ve adjusted by having more non-spanking Rewards…getting sent to my room and I’ll have to do nipple clamps, breast bindings, and/or anal plugs for an extended period of time while I stand in the corner. This way I can lock the door, there is no noise, and Mike and I aren’t suspiciously locked in the room together for an extended period of time.   These type of punishments are uncomfortable, but I’d prefer a spanking. Spankings are more intimate and can be given more quickly.  Non-spanking punishments are typically a minimum of 30 minutes.   Oh well, the sacrifices we make for our children. Ha!

REFLECTION
We will have our Maintenance Session in about an hour and it has me in a reflective mood. I took the time to read back through all my posts. It was a great opportunity to get back into what was in my head throughout this journey, especially at the beginning.

I got into DD because I felt it would give me clarity and structure that was greatly lacking.   It did that, even better than I imagined it would. For about a year our DD slowly progressed, and then several things happened about the time I started blogging that put that progression in overdrive.   I think it was related to my blogging because the process of sharing and posting everything gave me a sense of acceptance. Even though there aren’t a ton of followers, and even if there were none, somehow my blog was like this declaration of who I am and what I want. In making that declaration, I was emboldened to try even more things.

However, as I went through this Subfrenzy, my appetite for greater submission actually created a distraction and lack of clarity. I was unclear where I wanted our DD to go, and focusing my energies on that was a distraction. I am happy to say that while I do love my submission, I no longer have that “frenzied” feeling. And our M/s experiment has helped draw in some boundaries. The best boundary that I’ve found is that I want to keep our DD focused on Mike and I. I only want him to spank me, and while I am open to sexual exploration with others, I always want Mike to be there. I need him to be a constant in everything I do. We can still do things with John and Donna, and others, but Mike must be there. I don’t want an M/s relationship, although we are adding a few things, such as the vocabulary, to our DD when our kids are not around. We’ve both found it to fun and I like the level of commitment it takes on my part. Just another form of submission.

Our DD has become highly sexualized, as I posted in here. I believe that is here to stay, and Mike and I are fine with that.   We look at is as a “bonus” as we both greatly enjoy all the sexual exploration we’ve had to date, and look forward to what is to come.   So, our DD continues, stronger than ever, with as much enjoyment as ever, as I continue to flourish under it.   It continues to accomplish all that I set out.

Next: XXX-mas in July

25. Intense Spanking Part II – My most severe punishment

 I was standing in the corner, naked, holding Mike’s belt for about 30 minutes.  This is the longest he has left me to reflect and anticipate.   I felt sadness and disappointment as I reflected and I felt anxiety over what was about to happen next.  Adding to the anxiety was that I felt this could be a litmus test for how DD is working for us.

THE SESSION BEGINS
Mike walked in.  My feelings rushed to the surface and I started crying.  Mike walked up behind me and gave me 10 warm up spankings with his hand without warning.  It surprised me because that is not our protocol.  My anxiety increased as I thought to myself, “He is already off script and it just started.  What’s next?”  I cried louder.

Mike asked me to turn and I knelt down in front of him and he asked why we were there.  I accurately stated what I had done.  As what was now a normal part of our ceremony, he then stated, “No, what brought us here was your inability to keep your commitments that you made to yourself.”  We had fallen into this routine where I would state the specific transgression and Mike would remind me that it wasn’t the specific action that was the issue.  I liked this as it kept us centered on the fact that this was about commitments I made.

This transgression clearly fell under our Intense Reward protocol, giving Mike a lot of discretion.  No limits in the prescribed number of swats or the level of force; however, the intent of an Intense Reward was that it be prolonged.  Thus, the forced that is used should be consistent with allowing a prolonged punishment experience.  I was ready for a prolonged session.

Mike lectured me and I took notice that he was very measured in choosing his words and spoke very calmly and matter-of-fact.  Contrast this to Pre-DD where he would have likely yelled things like, “How could you be so careless?  How can you be so inattentive?”  Instead, his lecture was caring and loving.  It dried up my tears as this wave of trust and love filled me up.  I felt prepared for whatever he had decided to do to me.

We had recently bought a 16-inch oak paddle that we hadn’t used yet.  I was still holding Mike’s belt and he told me to retrieve our paddle from our closet. When I silently walked to go get it, he said, “What do you say when I ask you something.”

“Yes, Sir,” I responded.   “Then I need to hear that after every command I give,” he said.

“Yes, Sir” I said.   Wow.  He hadn’t done that before!  He was in full-on DD mode!

I handed him the paddle and he told me to lean over and put my elbows on the bed.

“Yes Sir.”

Whack!  The first one really stung.  The paddle covers a lot of surface area and was a new sensation for me, and a powerful one at that.    Whack! Whack! Whack!  Each one was about three seconds apart.  By the fifth or sixth one it was really stinging badly.  I was squealing “ow, ow” after each one.  Whack… all the way to ten.  Wow, that was intense!

He then sat down and called me over.

“Yes, Sir” and I quickly walked over to him and laid across his knee, still holding his belt in my hand.

He had me  count out as he spanked me by hand.  It was about medium force, but it went on and on.  I remember with each passing increment of 10 I was thinking, “Oh no, not another 10!”   The counting actually gave me something to focus on such that even though my butt felt like it was on fire, it was still tolerable.  50!

He then told me to go lay on the bed on my stomach and hand him the belt.

“Yes, Sir.”

As I waited for the first strike, I remember thinking that my ass already felt ablaze and I had never been spanked with the belt in this condition.   Smack!   Wow.  Not only did it sting like never before, but it sounded louder than usual.  He was hitting hard.  5 came in fairly quick succession and then Mike moved to the other side of the bed and did 5 more.  I started to cry again somewhere during this.  In all there were 30 swats, 15 per side.  That’s a good punishment all by itself, let alone after what I got with the paddle and his hand.   I was crying quite a bit and when he said he was done with the belt, I immediately had to rub my butt.  It felt very hot…as in temperature hot, not sexy hot!

He told me to stay there on my stomach and he would return.  As he left the room I wondered if this was the end of the punishment.

THE SESSION CONTINUES
Mike returned about 10 minutes later.  He told me to get up and get the hair brush from the bathroom.

“Yes, Sir.”

He followed me in the bathroom and when I handed him the brush he told me to bend over and grab my ankles.

“Yes, Sir.”

The hair brush was my least favorite implement.  It really seemed to concentrate the smack in a very small area.  Mike knew I disliked it the most (or, to say it more positively, I liked it the least).

He told me he was going to give me 15 pretty hard ones and if I let go of my ankles he would start over. That was a new twist on a spanking, but I was in no mood to give him kudo’s for creativity.  I remember thinking to myself, “What was that safe word again?”  It is “Hold on” for a pause, “Mercy” to stop!

Thwack! Thwack, Thwack!  Thwack!  Mike counted out four quick ones.  I almost lost my grip but held firm.  Thwack, Twack, Thwack… and at seven I just couldn’t hold on.

Mike said, “We’ll, start again.”

“Yes, Sir, but hold on Sir.”   I needed to catch my breath and let my butt recover.   This was the first time I ever used a safe word.

I took some deep breathes and perhaps after a minute I told him I was ready.  Again four quick ones.  From the sounds they made it seemed like they weren’t quite as hard as before, but from the sensation, they actually hurt worse.  I held firmly and luckily he paused for a bit before giving the next set.   Again four quick ones.  I yelled out like I had never done before.  “Aaaaah, Aaaah,” but still held.  Then the next set.  Damn it, I lost my grip after a few more.

Mike calmly said, “We’ll, start again.”

“Yes, Sir, but Hold Sir.”

I needed to do something if I was going to make it to 15.  I asked Mike if I could wet a washcloth and bite down on it.  Thankfully he agreed. My face was burning too as I had been crying hard and also trying to keep my screams in as much as possible.  The wet washcloth felt good in my mouth.

Okay, ready!   Thwack.  He did 5 in quick succession.  He eased up a tad but it still hurt like hell.  5 more….I was still holding my ankles.  Okay, just 5 more and we’re done.   Thwack, Thwack, Thwack, Thwack, Thwack…. I made it!

He then said, “Follow me.”

“Yes, Sir.”

We went over to the chair and once again he had me lay across his knees.  I thought to myself, “This isn’t over yet?”  He still had the brush in his hand.  I was pretty sure I would be saying the safe word after the first swat.  Luckily, he put the brush down.

He gave me another thirty, maybe more, by hand. As he had more control over the intensity and in the placement, he was able to soften up when I would jump or squeal, and then hit harder and harder until I jumped or squealed again.  Hand spanking can be so much more thoughtful than any implement.  I definitely prefer the hand!

He paused for a minute and rubbed my butt.  He then reached over for the brush.  My tongue went towards the roof of my mouth as I took a deep breath and started to say, “Nnn.”   Luckily I stopped myself.  I almost said, “No!”   That would have only earned more spankings.  Luckily it came out more like a squeal than the beginning of the word “No.”

He spanked me semi-lightly with the brush, at least compared to what he did in the bathroom.  Still, at about 10 or so I just couldn’t take it and once again called “Hold on.”

I was crying quite a bit but it didn’t deter him.  Mike said he wanted to get to 20 and we’d hold for a minute and proceed.  My ass was really on fire.  I didn’t think I could take even one more.  Eventually he proceeded and about four or five in I once again had to call for a pause.   He waited a few minutes again, and on the third go he finished what remained.  Thank you Safe Words!

I think he sensed I couldn’t take much more.  He told me to stand in the corner and he would be back.

I stood in the corner thinking surely this was almost done.  Emotionally I was a bit shaken but was also feeling pride for Mike.  He showed he was truly listening to my feedback as he had amped things up a bit as I had asked and more importantly, he remained calm throughout.  But make no mistake, my ass also hurt.  The sting was not fading.

I was looking forward to the end of this Reward Ceremony where we would embrace and all would be forgiven and life would resume with complete closure regarding my actions.  Chalk another one up to the benefits of DD!

… AND IT CONTINUES
Mike returned and instead of hugging me he told me to again bend over and put my elbows on the bed.  Holy crap!  This was going to continue?  I really wanted to ask him how much longer, but that is against our rules and I didn’t want to add to whatever he still had in mind.  I remember I started to cry again.

He told me to count but didn’t say what number we would stop at.  He gave me thirty with the belt.  I don’t know how I took them all without asking for a pause.  Just five or six in and my ass was in flames again.  The last three or four were exceptionally hard.  I was crying pretty hard and saying, “I am sorry, I am sorry.”  I had hoped that perhaps the hard ending was Mike’s exclamation point to signify the end.

Mike then held me.  “Ah,” I thought, “the beginning of After Care.”  But, he just kept holding me as I cried into his chest.  Our procedure is for him to say “all is forgiven” and then I say it back and that’s the end of it – but he remained silent.

… AND STILL CONTINUES
He then said that I had a writing assignment.  We had never specified writing lines as a punishment, but, Mike did have full discretion.  He had me write 100 lines of, “I will meet my commitments that I make to myself.”  The first five words had to be in one color ink, the next five in another.  I had to start each line with a different color than the line before, and of course, penmanship mattered.   Mike said I would get three spankings per the number of color errors and the number of lines that are the least bit messy.  He said I must sit in his office and write these.  We walked down the hall to his home office.  Again, the feeling of walking through the house naked was very odd.  At least his chair was comfortable on my bottom.  He said I was to bring it to him when I was done.

“Yes, Sir.”

“Oh, by the way,” he said, “I’ll give you 90 minutes, so just under a minute per line. For every minute you go over 90, that’s another spanking.”

“Yes, Sir.”

I did some quick math and figured that is 54 seconds a line.  I wrote my first line…45 seconds.  Okay, I got this as I should get faster as I went.  As I kept writing, I kept looking at the time.  No sweat, I got this.  Damn, made a mistake. After every few lines I would do a calculation and each time I’d conclude I had plenty of time, but crap, another mistake.  Why did he put a time on it?  It isn’t that the time was unreasonable, but I kept focusing on the time instead of my writing causing me to make mistakes.

Okay, finished with time to spare. I got up to take him my pages and accepted that I had a few mistakes.  Mike was in the living room so once again walk through the house naked…and Mike didn’t have the blinds closed.  I walked briskly and handed him the papers and then walked to the nearest window and closed the blinds.  I then positioned myself in the room out of view of other windows.

Mike got a pen and started making marks on the paper.

Mike said, “6 color mistakes and 8 messy lines.  14 mistakes, times 3. That’s 42 spankings.  And right here will do.  Lean over and put your hands on the couch.”

“Yes, Sir.”

At least Mike walked over and closed another set of nearby blinds.  He then had me count off as he used his hand to deliver the 42.  It didn’t take long for my ass to start burning.  Once again I started squealing, “Ah!” and “Oh!” and “Ouch!” louder and louder.  Near the end I had to once again call “hold on.”    He waited a minute or two and resumed when I was ready.  He finished the last 10 or so and I swear the last 4 or 5 were the hardest he had ever spanked me before with his hand.

Mike then told me to go to our room and he would be there soon.   “Yes, Sir.”

I went to the room and stood in the corner.  I was starting to get mad.  This had to end soon.  It had been going on for hours and enough if enough. I also had to pee but if Mike comes in the room and I am not in the corner, then that could mean more spankings.  I would hold it.

… AND THEN THERE WAS MORE
Mike came in about 20 minutes later.  I asked him if I could pee.  He said no.   WTF!  Instead, he once again just spanked me with his hand as I stood in the corner.   I thought he might spank the pee out of me.  He gave me about 15 good ones and then said I could go and when I was done I was to bring the paddle, stand next to him and bend over and grab my ankles.   Double WTF!  When would this end?

I cried as I went to the bathroom and was crying as I returned, bent over, and grabbed my ankles.  He then gave me the hardest swat ever.  It made me scream louder than I ever had before and I also let go of my ankles, but then almost immediately came another whack, and then another, and another.  I flinched my whole body and turned by butt away from him and he reached around and got me with one more.  I finally got out a “Hold on! Hold on!” and he stopped.  I was really upset.  These hurt badly.

Mike didn’t hesitate and said, “Lay down on the bed on your stomach and I’ll be back in a bit to continue.”  I hesitated and he repeated himself, more sternly.

“Yes, Sir” I feebly said as I did as he asked.

I was sobbing heavily.  I felt defeated.

MERCY!
He came back in the room about ten minutes later.  He grabbed his belt and without saying a word started spanking me again.  About six or so strikes in I finally yelled,

“Mercy.”  I couldn’t take it.

Mike asked me to stand and he held me tightly.  He gave me warm words of encouragement and told me how much he loved me.   He said, “This ends any physical rewards, but this Reward Ceremony is not quite complete.”

He said I was to remain naked for about the next 24 hours and no talking or using my phone, the computer, or television.  Just a quiet day of reflection as we did our weekend chores.  And yes, we could close all the blinds.

So, we went about the rest of our evening fairly normally, except the naked part.  It is so weird to cook, eat, clean, or basically do anything without clothes on.  Even just walking feels odd.   And it didn’t help to have to sit down with no clothing to add some comfort to a very tender ass.

My nakedness was a constant reminder of my transgression and it served to keep the mood pretty solemn and reflective.  But it also was a bit of a fun way to end the Reward as I know it turned Mike on to constantly see me naked, and to tell the truth, it turned me on a bit too.   Just before dinner time Mike came to me and hugged me, and said, “All is forgiven.”   “All is forgiven” I replied.  And with that I went and got dressed.

It was over.

REFLECTION
As I reflected on the day, and also we later discussed at the next Maintenance Session, I felt the punishment Mike handed out was perfect in many ways.  I had told him I wanted to find my limit, and he found it.  I told him I wanted him to be sterner, and he was.  He also showed some creativity in coming up with things.  But most importantly, DD allowed us to quickly address the situation and then get past it.  No lingering resentments, no bad feelings.

Just short of twenty four hours of atonement that ended in complete forgiveness and a deeper commitment to myself to be more aware of my surroundings and attentive to my belongings.  What a difference DD has made! 

P.S.  This post gets like 4x as many views as my next most popular post (My Contract).  And I find it odd that Part I gets only about 10% the views as this post??   If you like these kind of things, go to my home page and select the “Jenny is Disciplined” section.  If you want to learn more about my journey, I suggest you start from Post 1

Next – 26. Submission = Transparency = Love

23. Quick Reflection (then on to a spanking story)

I am about 14 months into our DD lifestyle and suffice to say a lot has changed and for the better.  In a way that only DD can, I have willing surrendered a part of myself, trusting Mike in a way that is unimaginable to many people.  As a result I have connected with myself and with Mike in a deeply reflective and intimate manner.  I am more content than ever with who I am as a person, a wife, a mother, a sister, an aunt, and a friend.  Things have settled into a routine, with a “Reward” for my occasional transgression.

A few times I’ve actually gone a week without any Rewards.  It’s funny, but I look forward to the Maintenance Session on those weeks.  Yes, there is something addictive about the spankings.  They are much like a drug.

I am more organized and calm in my thoughts.  I especially feel it on the days that are particularly demanding.  Instead of feeling wiped out and emotionally spent, while I may still be physically tired, I remain upbeat, optimistic, and never defeated by the days events. That is in stark contrast to my days before DD.

Okay, enough reflection.  On my next post I will share my toughest day with DD.  It was my most severe “Reward” for a severe transgression.   Suffice to say Mike did an incredible job delivering a reward that was appropriate, but boy did it hurt.

Next – 24. Intense Spanking, my worst ever.