375. ODE TO ORGASM CONTROL

I don’t look at discipline as a kink. While we do a lot of “kinky” things, discipline isn’t one of them. Receiving the consequences of my inability to be the person I want to be is far from kinky, far from arousing, far from being sexually stimulating. I believe that is why I don’t find any fulfillment in mixing my discipline with sex… well, maybe not “any,” but still, it’s not what I connect to as a submissive.

MY COOCH CONUNDRUM

Orgasm Control (OC) is an act of submission. No different than calling him “Sir” or needing his permission to buy something. It is NOT discipline. It’s just another rule I follow and rules aren’t discipline – discipline is the result of not following a rule.

BUT –– whatever you call it, OC is sexually oriented and punishments for failing at OC will likely stay focused on my taco. You might feel there is not much difference between that and being spanked on the ass or whipped across my boobs, and I see your point. However, it isn’t about making a point. It’s about how my mind reacts. For me, my mind connects discipline to something sexual when the focus is on my vajayjay whereas it does not make that connection when focused elsewhere.

Full disclosure – receiving discipline is often a bit sexually arousing. But only because my mind rewards my pleasure centers any time I submit to him, and the greater the submission, the greater the reward. And accepting his discipline is greater submission than say, calling him Sir, thus my pleasure centers are awarded accordingly.

But, in further honesty, the whacks to my squeeze box were more arousing than other punishments. The best way I can describe it is that it felt more like a BDSM scene than a punishment. No other punishment has ever felt that way.

AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION

By the way, I am trying to use as many different slang terms for the punanee as possible. It’s silly and immature, but it’s fun! Feel free to comment and share the terms you use, whether in jest or in your day-to-day vernacular. Curious to hear your slang for the vertical smile!

THE LECTURE

His lecture also added to my mixed emotions. It was different. It wasn’t as much about my specific behavior. It was more focused on my orgasms belonging to him.

That may sound like a nuance, but not to me. When I misbehave, lectures tend to be;

• Focused on me and my behavior – not what is or isn’t Mike’s “property”
• Focused on how my behavior failed to meet our collective expectations – not about how I must do this or must do that.
• Focused on being the wife I want to be, and not focused on a specific rule

But this lecture wasn’t so much about failing to meet expectations. It was much more about the specific rule. It seemed more focused on him and less focused on me.

I think part of my conflict is in that OC feels too much like M/s (Master/slave) and less D/s (Dominant/submissive) and far removed from routine DD (Domestic Discipline). Not that there is anything wrong with that. If it connects for two people, more power to them! It just doesn’t connect me with my submission in the way other things do.

GATEWAY KINK

Part of me sees OC as a gateway to more sexually charged discipline, that it’s the beginning of a bad path. Not “bad” because there is something inherently bad about it, but bad because it drifts too far from what fulfills my submissive mindset.

I know this may confound some of you, after all, my Agreement includes a Sex Clause that, in part, states:

Michael may demand any sexual or physical activity to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and anywhere and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer will adhere to “Anytime.    Anything.  Anyone.  Without hesitation.”  Jennifer shall behave in a way that Mike perceives as oblivious as to the time, place, activity, and/or person(s) involved. 

What’s different is that I’ve never violated that clause and in fact, can never really do so. That clause is less about a “rule” and more about expressing my willingness to sexually be whatever he wants me to be. For all practical purposes, there’s no way to violate this rule. If he were to ask me to do something sexual that I did not want to do, I would use a safe word and that would be that. So while my intent is to be sexually submissive, it remains my intent to keep discipline separate from sex.

IS IT THE DISCIPLINE?

One answer is simply to ask that there is no discipline to be applied to my poony. We discussed it at Maintenance yesterday, but I didn’t actually call for that (yet). Mike didn’t take a firm position for or against, which is typical. He wants me to work it out. Despite our progression for DD that is “mine” to DD that is “for me,” our DD dynamic is still primarily focused on what works for me. While Mike could dictate a resolution, that simply is not his style. For now, I made it clear that the discipline for any OC violations is 100% up to him and I would accept it no differently than any other discipline. And that simply means, I accept it until I don’t.

IS IT THE RULE ITSELF?

I am not sure it is just the discipline that is the issue. Part of me doesn’t want to give Mike control of my orgasms. And that non-submissive thought is the origin of my my greatest conflict. I don’t like the idea of denying him anything. He enjoys OC. And it isn’t like I am not enjoying it. As stated many times, it has been very fulfilling. But, that fulfillment has come with an uneasiness.

Thus far we’ve been very fortunate in being highly synchronized between our needs and desires. I’ve chatted with many couples who struggle to balance what everyone wants from their relationship (even without DD). And it isn’t like we are far apart on this. But I know Mike is enjoying OC, which adds to my conflicted feelings.

I find it a bit humorous in the context of my journey. I haven’t felt anything like this since pre-DD when I was trying to reconcile what it meant to submit to him, let alone allowing him to spank me. Since Day 1 of DD I have been thrilled with giving more and more control to Mike. Of all the things, OC is what is testing my limits of the control I want to cede.

For now, OC stays. In yet another example of the twisted submissive mind, the part of me that doesn’t want it makes me want it more. And the part of me that does want it, well, it’s getting it. And the part of me that knows Mike enjoys it, make me want it even more. So for now, those things crowd out the part of me that says, “WTF?”

We will continue to discuss it. I set a goal for myself to have some resolution in time for re-writing our DD Contract. I’d like t put this issue behind me, and perhaps “behind” is the operative word. Maybe the solution is simply making it a spankable offense on the behind!

Next: 376. Encouraging your Captain to Lead

191. Spanking, sex, and a question

It’s not all happy, happy, joy, joy.

I often write about how wonderful life is.  It is.
I often write about how fulfilling my submission is.  It is.
I write about trusting Mike’s decisions.  Whether or not I agree, I accept.
I write about the compersion I feel from Mike and Kayla sharing love (and sex).  Their relationship brings me joy.

BUT, something happened recently that unsettled me.

SPANK
It was a few nights ago, J was asleep.  Kayla was being spanked by Mike.  There are many times we have seen each other being spanked, but we don’t go out of our way to watch.  Often, when one of us is being disciplined the other tries to give some space so as not to interrupt the mood of the disciplining session.

Bedtime was closing in and I needed to shower and prepare for bed.  I walked into the bedroom and saw Kayla bent over, elbows on the bed, and Mike preparing to spank her.  I quickly trotted into the bathroom, closed the door, and showered.

When I finished I did not hear sounds of spanking, but I heard very light, short, high-pitched sounds.  It took me a few seconds to place it.   It was Kayla.  I thought, “Oh, Mike must have ordered her to masturbate.”  I opened the bathroom door and walked into the bedroom to see Kayla in the same position, bent over, elbows on the bed.  And Mike was behind her, fucking her.

SEX
I’ve seen them have sex many times.  But it was odd that they were having sex right after a punishment.  That’s not something we normally do as we generally keep sex and discipline separate.

I stood there and watched.  Mike pulled out and away, reached over and grabbed his belt, and started spanking her again.  I was shocked.  It wasn’t just sex after a spanking, but sex as part of the discipline.

Mike saw that I was watching, and told me to bring him the flogger.  As I walked it over to him, he flipped Kayla over on her back.  He told her to spread her legs and he proceeded to flog her thighs and her pussy.  Not too hard, but enough to cause her to writhe a bit from side to side.

Grabbing her legs, he pulled her closer to the edge of the bed and started fucking her again.  He came insider her.  He then flipped her over on her chest, legs dangling over the side of the bed.  He then started spanking her by hand and continued for some time. Upon stopping, he then started fingering her until she came.  He then took his belt and gave her three or four more strikes, and then it was over.  He told her to stand up, they hugged and went through their aftercare.   He then told her to get ready for bed.

There was a lot of rawness to it all.  A forcefulness.   Not just discipline.  Not just sex.  More a display of power than a delivery of discipline.

I’ve shared before that Mike is more strict with Kayla than with me, and the discipline she receives is more harsh.  It’s the way she wanted it.  I’ve witnessed similar punishments like this one before. But not intertwined with the sex.

QUESTION
At Sunday’s Maintenance Session I shared with Mike how that punishment troubled me.  I admitted I wasn’t sure what I was feeling, but I knew it wasn’t good.  The mix of sex and discipline bothered me.

It has been awhile since I last questioned Mike’s actions.  Mike was great, as always. He listened to my concerns and was not offended or defensive about it.  He said the spanking and the flogging were consistent with other discipline he has given Kayla, but the sex was new.

Mike said he wasn’t sure why he did it.  He didn’t owe me an explanation, but I was happy he offered one. He has shared before that he often gets aroused from discipline, but, he doesn’t act on it as he too wants to keep sex and discipline separate.  But, this time, he said the urge was just too great and he gave into it.  And the way Kayla responded just made him even more horny.  He said he was thinking there will be more of it in the future, so he wanted to understand my concerns.

I couldn’t really articulate my feelings. I told him perhaps it just seemed too rough to me. While she fully consented, it just seemed, well, forced.  I know it wasn’t.  It was just that discipline hasn’t been a setting for sex, thus, in my mind there was this unspoken rule.  Discipline was a sex free zone and Mike violated that.

There have been times there was sex  with discipline, even with me.  But the few times it occurred it was typically just oral sex (sucking his cock), or, sex immediately following the Closing ceremony.  This was not that.

Mike called Kayla into our Maintenance Session.  He thought it would be helpful for the three of us to talk about it. She said she loved the discipline she received.  “The pain and submission of being spanked added to the pleasure and submission of Mike forcing himself on me was mind-blowing.”

I felt a little better that she enjoyed it.  But there was still more to what bothered me.  It finally clicked what it was.  I wasn’t feeling any compersion over the sex I witnessed.  I didn’t enjoy seeing Mike being so raw and forceful with Kayla.

We talked about this for some time, but never really reconciled why I feel that way.  I can’t articulate why – it just is.  Until I can make sense and articulate what it is that I feeling, it is difficult to break it down and reconcile it.  I am open to ideas?

I shared with Mike that I felt it is not for me to question his decisions regarding Kayla’s discipline.  I also don’t want him to feel bad for what happened nor feel reluctant to repeat it.  I reassured him I would figure this out and not to mind my concerns.  Mike thanked me for saying that but he said he would exclude sex in any future discipline for a little while. We agreed to talk more in hopes that there is an epiphany after it percolates more in our minds.

And percolates it does.  I have a lot of theories, but when I think them through I end up saying, “No, that’s not it.”   So yeah, an ideas?

NEXT: 192. Vanquishing Negativity

145. Another spanking / Immersion Preview

My M/s immersion is coming soon.  Exact date TBD as still coordinating with my parents.  That didn’t sound right.  I am not, of course, coordinating our M/s immersion with them – just the dates they will have my son staying with them.  My sister and her husband are also staying with my parents, as are her kids.  She’ll be a great help with my son as my parents are getting up there in age and the needs of my son can require a lot of physical and emotional energy.

Mike has shared a few things he has planned for us but is keeping a lot of it under wraps.  He wants to keep a “shock and awe” aspect to having to do the unexpected.  Oh my!

This led to another spanking!  I am beginning to think my Thursday canings/mini-Maintenance Sessions are unnecessary.  Mike calls those sessions at his discretion but has called them every week, (including tonight! – ouch!) since we began them about four weeks ago.   The purpose is to provide me added focus and release.  I’ve shared before that when I’ve gone a long period of time without a spanking I’ve actually asked Mike to give me one, “just because.”  He thought having these extra sessions would help.  I agree that they do, but only when I’ve been punishment-free for a while.   Unfortunately, that hasn’t been the case lately but Mike has still called for these extra sessions.  I may ask him about that during our formal Sunday sessions.  

The recent string of punishments have had more to do with my thinking than they do with specific actions.  That’s consistent with the evolution of my submission that I shared in Post 143.   There was the spanking I just shared in my prior post, and also the one in Post 142.  There have been a few others.  

It isn’t all spankings and punishment.  There is plenty of dialogue too.  We have both talked about what it means to us to have me surrender my thoughts to him.  It is a delicate balance.  Neither of us intend for me to lose who I am.  I have a brain and I will use it.  Our intent is for me to not only be more outwardly focused on Mike and his needs and desires, but also to be more internally focuses on him regarding my internal “monologue.”   That’s an extremely submissive state of mind.  

I feel I have achieved the level of submission that we both desire regarding various acts of service (sexual and otherwise).   Other than our Immersion fun, I don’t crave more acts of service, nor does Mike.  We are aligned and in balance on that, which is a great and fortunate thing to achieve and something I do not take for granted.

What I am now craving is to purge certain thoughts I have.  Okay, purge may be unrealistic — but at least lessen the frequency of certain thoughts.  Thoughts that lead to actions.  Actions which are at the core of the Duties and Obligations that I not only imposed on myself, but also those that are important to Mike.  

I don’t know how long it will take to get to the state of mind I am looking for, but I think I am moving along that path very quickly.  Maybe more than half way already?  I don’t know.  Much of it was simply an awareness.  Now that I am aware, I am more in tune and deliberate in my thinking.  While some “wrong” thoughts crop up, I typically squash them in nanoseconds.  Plus, I find they are cropping up less often.   The best way I could put it is that my default thinking is becoming submissive and focused on Mike.  Before, I would frequently have non-submissive thoughts that I had to think through and “defeat” in order to act submissive.  It’s like retraining my mind, such that submissiveness is a reflex and doesn’t require thought.  

THE SPANKING
My latest punishment was when I told Mike that I wasn’t planning on blogging about certain aspects of our immersion because my sisters might read it.  Mike spanked me because he said my thinking was a violation of my Self-Care clause in our Contract.  He used a pair of slippers, which is actually a first for us.  When he started I thought, “Well, that doesn’t feel like much” but I learned even slippers can pack a whollup if used hard enough and with enough strikes.  Yep, a very red bottom indeed!

While not an explicit violation, he said it clearly violated the spirit and intent of that clause.  He said, “You are being Rewarded because you were going to sacrifice something that gives you joy because of your desire to share certain things with your sisters.  I will not allow you to set a precedent and start censoring your blog because of concerns about what they think.  You said you weren’t concerned about them thinking anything negative, so either you were being dishonest with yourself and me, or your weren’t. Either way, you will share those things in your blog and you will be spanked.”    

In hindsight, I don’t regret  telling my sisters about TTWD, but perhaps I shouldn’t have told them about my blog!  Mike also reminded me what he said back when he agreed to allow me to “come out” to my sisters.  He was prophetic in that at that time he said there is no way to anticipate all the implications and once out, there was no un-telling them.

It is unnecessary for me to worry about what my sisters will think.  For one, I’ve shared a lot of things that would be major embarrassments for most people to share with their siblings.  In addition, my relationship with my sisters is unbreakable.   We already share so much with each other and there is no judgement, only love.  So with that, here are things Mike has shared with me and Kayla about some of the things he has planned for us.

IMMERSION PLANS
Full Body Flog
He said that there would be a day of extended flogging, spanking, and other punishments.  He said while there would be the requisite focus on our butt and breasts, he was going to also focus on things we typically don’t include — thighs, back, stomach, legs, palms, feet, and yes, the pussy.  

Jen’s “Special” Day 
One of the days I will basically be an “animal” for the day.  I must not speak, must only walk on all fours, eat out of bowls, etc.  He is allowing me to use a straw to drink from — it’s hard for humans to lap up liquids.  Our tongues just aren’t designed for that.  The more undignified part of it is not being able to use the bathroom.  He has designed a sort of large litter box for me to us.   Oh the joy.  . . NOT.   Kayla will assist in any necessary hygiene issues.

Kayla’s “Special” Day
For one of the days Kayla will basically be a “baby” for a day.  No speaking, must crawl to move around, must be fed by others, and she will be diapered and not allowed to use the bathroom.   An exploration of DDlg / ABDL.   Not to mention what I shared before about the pursuit of her “gang bang” fantasy.  I know that is a harsh word, but it is the word she actually uses, so, that’s how we refer to it. 

Other Stuff
He said we will not be allowed to wear a bra or panties when we go out.  He actually has a particular sun dress in mind for each of us to wear.  The fit is such that the ta-ta’s and the vajay-jay are well covered as long as we stay aware of the position of our bodies.  Lean too far one way or the other, or bend over, and, well, someone is in for a show. Going bra-less is less of an issue for Kayla, whose perky breasts do a good job of standing up on their own, but for my 3-kids later droopers, it is very obvious when I am not wearing a bra.  

Some of the less salacious ignominious activities are a “zero tolerance” on non-submissive behaviors.   He is already pretty strict on this but, as he puts it, he normally doesn’t go looking for reasons to punish us.  He will during the immersion.  

The examples he gave were things like making sure we immediately stop what we are doing when he is talking and make eye contact with him throughout.  Another is showing that we are enthusiastic about what he says and asks of us and that we are ensuring he is comfortable and doesn’t need anything (sexual or otherwise).  A new thing he added, which I find interesting, is that when we do speak to him he wants us to touch him.  Not sexually – it could just be touching his arm or back.  He said, “no talking to me unless you have physical contact with me in some way.”   He said the only exception is if we are restrained or have been told not to move.   This sounds like a fun challenge.  See, not everything involves a punishment or sex!

Those things are just SOME of what he has planned.  Last year was both physically and mentally challenging and it sounds like this year will be no different.  Who would have thunk it back when I first had this “idea” to pursue domestic discipline!  Oh the places we go! 

Our immersion will start in four to ten days.  Still working on the firm date.  Like last year, I might not be posting during it but at least I’ll have some fresh material to share when it’s done.        

NEXT: Post 146.  Slow Down!

 

65. Full Body Flog

This last weekend Mike and I got together again with John and Donna. I don’t feel like going into all the details. I can only write so much about who stuck what where. Suffice to say we had lots of sex – Mike with Donna, John with me, Donna with me. I am really enjoying it and look forward to the next time we can get together. It is such a new experience for me and I can’t describe the thrill I get from it. I am sure it is shocking to people who would never consider such a thing.  I will share this – I have a new ultimate favorite sexual position. It is when I am leaning on a chair, just bent over enough so John can enter me from behind, and Donna is standing behind the chair leaning over a bit as well. She and I are able to kiss and fondle each other, and Mike is just behind Donna, inside her from behind as well. Mike can lean over and get in on the kiss-fest with Donna and I, and I can look into Donna’s eyes and Mike’s eyes as my body bounces to the rhythm of John going in and out me and Donna’s bounces to the rhythm of Mike entering and exiting her. Yummy – check the box on that fantasy!

I’d rather talk about my Domestic Discipline and my journey towards being a highly submissive wife. It is also a journey of Mike becoming a highly dominant husband.   Neither of these journeys come naturally to us, but we are both thriving as we continue to find our boundaries. We are closer than ever and our mutual admiration and love for each other continues to deepen. I think that is the wrong way to put it. It has always been deep, we just now demonstrate it in a deeper, more meaningful way.  You can’t measure the feeling of love – there is no number you can put on it to measure it. But you can experience the love through how that love is demonstrated. Our DD journey and foray into D/s has caused us to demonstrate that love in amazing ways. Trust. Caring. Respect. Joy. Whatever words that make up this thing called love, we are feeling and demonstrating them every moment of the day.

I continue to have high energy to accomplish the tasks of the day. I find myself yearning for when Mike can be home or off of work. Having so much to do helps the time go by faster. I haven’t felt like that since we were newlyweds. I continue to want to give him more of me and give him anything and everything he desires. Mike has continued to be strict with me and I am loving it.

On Sunday we tried something new at my Maintenance Session. After watching Donna’s flogging session, I wanted to try it. I asked Mike for a new toy, a flogger, and until it arrives we borrowed John and Donna’s. On Sunday, to wrap up our Maintenance Session John flogged me, all over from the neck down, front and back. It was exquisite!   Now Mike didn’t use nearly the force that John does with Donna, which was fine by me. It was mainly very light, just repeated light strokes. I’ve had my tits and palms slapped as part of punishment, but that’s been rare as the vast majority of time my physical punishments are to my ass. The sensation of the flogger was amazing and a different feeling for each part of the body. It was a sensory explosion. It felt wonderful across my breasts, but also felt good across my stomach and back. Mike went very gentle on my pussy but it was still just enough to send waves of pain-pleasure with each swipe. My thighs were the most sensitive and thus they were the least pleasurable. Overall it was like a full body massage, except with a whip. Hee hee. Not a whip, a flogger.  While it was not as relaxing as a massage, there was still this high from the endorphin rush and unlike a spanking, this rush continued for some time as it probably took over 20 minutes for Mike to finish the full body flog (Ha – if I made my own hot sauce I’d call it Full Body Flog – or maybe that’s a better name for a beer? )  Anyways, then when it ended there was a calm, peaceful feeling as the endorphin high subsided.   In my backstory I said I was self-empowered, and that I was responsible for making my life happen. No man, no drugs, just me. Well, little did I know that some of my greatest fulfillment has been from submitting to Mike and satisfying my endorphin cravings.  (Hey, could that craving be part of my ice chewing issue?).

At least it is a natural high!

NEXT: 66. A Quick Spanking Story