Tag Archives: polyamory

243. I got a boyfriend!

243

RETRO JENNY
A quick trip back to pre-DD Jenny.  I was a vanilla housewife.  College educated, worked for several years before I was fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom, conventional sex life that did not leave me yearning.  My sexual history was pretty unremarkable.  Okay, so the
skinny dipping and shaving party aside, it was pretty unremarkable.  

ALONG CAME A SPIDER
Okay, not a spider.  Then along came Domestic Discipline.  When I
first embraced the idea of DD, sexual exploration was not on my radar.  It wasn’t about sex.  So how did we get here?    

DD required Mike and I to tear down everything we use to keep from each other — things as small as our pet peeves and peculiarities, to the big things – our thoughts, our dreams, and yes, our sexual desires.  We basically opened up our “secret selves” to each other and the results were amazing. 

It wasn’t just about sharing sexual desires.  We shared our likes and dislikes about everything, unfiltered, without apology, and without trying to rationalize them.  Sometimes dreams and desires aren’t rational.  That’s part of the reason we are so reluctant to share them.

Through this sharing we truly became one – not in terms of sameness, but in terms of one complete and true understanding of each other.  I see the “one you” in him and he sees the “one you” in me.  Say what? 

I WANT YOU, YOU, YOU!
I’ve read that there are three “you’s:”

  1. The Private you.  (The you you think you are).
  2. The Public you.  (The you as others see you).
  3. The Secret You.  (The you you REALLY are).

How sad that we often don’t let anyone into #3, even the people we love and trust the most.  Maybe a peek, but full access?  Not likely.  Too much potential for judgement, perhaps even rejection.  But keeping #3 secret can be toxic.  Our unstated needs and desires can lead to passive aggressiveness or at least an unfulfilled feeling that may manifest itself in unhealthy ways.  Perhaps an anxiousness, emptiness or unexplained yearning.  We then may take on a number of bad habits to try to cope.

DD forced me to collapse my #3 and it was a bonus that Mike eventually collapsed his.   We had to calibrate our needs, desires, and dreams to each other, forcing a merger of our #1 and #2.   We became fully transparent to each other.  We fully shared our complete “you” which was now “one you.”  And we fully embrace, admire, cherish, respect, and love what the other has shared.  As I have written before, we’ve become one, but not the same.

I believe this “ultimate” level of oneness has resulted in our highly identifying,..perhaps completely identifying..with the experiences of the other.  We feel vicariously through each other, but it is deeper than just imagining.  It is feeling, sensing, and rejoicing in the experiences of the other.  I didn’t know such a thing existed, let alone would be possible. And this oneness is what has taken us places and continues to take us places.

WHERE IT TOOK US
I never expected what was to come regarding John and Donna.  I never expected to add another woman, let alone our former babysitter Kayla, to my relationship with my husband.  I never expected the level of sexual exploration that Mike and I have taken.  And now, I never expected to be attracted to another man.

I don’t state that with an ominous tone, so if your inner voice read it that way, read it again with a tone of wonderment and excitement.  Because just like the other places our DD has taken us, I look upon this new development i wonder and excitement. 

MATT
About four and half months ago Mike “suggested” that I have sex with his friend Matt.  I’ve known Matt casually for about 10 years – he used to work with Mike.  I would see him at company functions and he and his then wife attended a party we threw at our house.

He divorced about two years ago, is 51, kids are grown and on their own.  Since getting “re-acquainted,” I obviously have been able to get to know him better.  At first I didn’t think anything noteworthy about him.  He is quiet, reserved.  Frankly, can be boring.

He has a quick, dry wit and is caring and compassionate.  In a lot of ways he reminds me of how Mike used to be when we first got married.  There is this “aw shucks” innocence, and this shyness that you pierce if you simply talk to him first.

While some of this is just the way he is – he was never known as having a boisterous personality – some of it is the situation.  I mean, he is having sex with his friend’s wife with his friend’s permission.  His awkwardness and seemingly lack of confidence was him simply trying to figure out exactly what Mike, or me, would allow him to do.   He has since loosened up a little.  

SEX WITH MATT
The
first time we had sex was in his bedroom while Mike waited in the living room.  The next time I had sex with him was when he joined us for some fun at John and Donna’s.  He had sex with Kayla and I, but not Donna.  John had only met him once before and felt he needed to know him better.   

Matt’s been over to our house once where we had sex and Mike and I have been back to his apartment several more times.  Mike has also stopped by Matt’s as part of a date night with Kayla.  So Kayla and Matt have also had sex when I wasn’t around. 

There were two times when all four of us were together Mike and Matt would swap between Kayla and I, and me and Kayla would also “entertain” them with some woman-on-woman play.  So in other words – yeah, plenty of sex. 

My favorite thing to do sexually with Matt is to be on the bed on my back, legs spread and dangling over the side.  He is standing and entering me.  Mike is behind me, often holding my arms above my head, watching and talking to me as Matt goes in and out.

At first, sex with Matt felt much like sex with John.  More mechanical, more focused on my own pleasure and whether or not Mike was enjoying watching.  Not really focused on Matt.  Not emotionally connected to him.

But the way Mike was reacting…Mike was much more intimate, holding my hands or arms while Matt entered me.  Mike talks a lot to me during it, and it is just all more intimate.  I didn’t sense it at first, but Matt is part of that intimate feeling.  Yes, the last couple of times I had sex with Matt I felt very connected to him.

GROWING ATTRACTION
I didn’t fully realize that I was attracted to him until a few weeks ago.  Mike had a short out-of-town business trip – gone for just one night.  He said he asked Matt if he would stay the night with me at our house.  Matt would either leave before J got up or after J left for school.  Matt couldn’t do it as he had a family commitment.  I remember feeling so disappointed and it was in that disappointment that I realized I had feelings for Matt.

I found myself thinking about when we might get together next.  I realized that I wanted to see him and could not wait for Mike to arrange the next rendezvous.   What is more surprising to me than feeling attracted to Matt is that I didn’t hesitate to admit to it, whether to myself or Mike. 

“Mike, I think I like Matt.  Like, really like him.  I am asking for your permission to go out with him.”  

“You mean like your own date night?” was Mike’s response.  

“Exactly.”  

More on my next post!  I’ll try to get it up this afternoon!

NEXT:  244. I got a boyfriend – Part 2

232. Our Final “outing”

We told our middle child about our relationship with Kayla and a bit more about our dynamic.  If that wasn’t enough, we shared our plans to meet E’s family at a naturist resort, likely in June.   

WHAT WE SAID RE KAYLA
We simply said that our relationship has evolved such that he would likely best understand it as a polyamory thing.  I didn’t explicitly say it was sexual, but it was very clearly understood as you will soon read.

We told him we wouldn’t be hiding our relationship from anyone — not that we would shout it from the rooftops, but we wouldn’t go out of our way to hide it. 

WHAT WE SAID RE D/s
We had already shared the basics back in December and he was able to see it in practice, so he pretty much gets the picture.  We added was that Kayla was part of this “deferring to, and service to”, his dad.  We also injected the word “accountable” which I don’t think we had used before.  He didn’t ask in what ways we are accountable to his dad and that’s fine by me.  We wanted him to have a general understanding and it seems to us that he does.  If he asks more questions later, we will answer them.   

WHAT WE SAID RE NUDIST RETREAT
We brought up the opportunity to meet E’s family by having a family vacation along with them at a resort, likely in early June… and, that it was a nudist resort. 

We talked about meeting E’s cousin’s family who were practicing nudists.    We shared with him that we partook in the clothing free option.  We explained we aren’t planning to be clothes free around the house, but that there may be more nudity as we also may not rush to wear clothes.  He connected the dots back to his experience of seeing Kayla naked. 

T2 REACTS RE KAYLA
He said he basically already knew – sort of!   Turns out, one his friends is the brother of Michaud’s roommate.

T2 never met Michaud, but has met the roommate.  By chance the group of them were talking about relationships and the roommate mentioned Michaud dating a “poly” girl who was also in a relationship with an older couple.  The roommate mentioned her name – Kayla – but at the time T2 didn’t think it was the Kayla he knew. 

When T2 eventually learned that Kayla was dating someone named Michaud, he immediately connected everything, including the fact the “older couple” was likely his parents!  He didn’t say anything to anyone…as he didn’t know what to say nor really want to know more.

T2 tends to be pretty reserved.  He will say what is on his mind but you have to work at prying it out.    We weren’t expecting much behind a nod and an “okay,” but he actually asked a lot of engaging questions – more than T1 asked us when we told him.  This was welcomed but was also surprising.

T2 bluntly said, “So, you all have sex and everything like a typical relationship?”   Our answer was a simple, “Yes, we do.”  He said it was “Pretty wild,” and “a lot to process,” but it didn’t bother him.  He joked he didn’t know he had such “trendy” parents.

I told him it wasn’t about trying to be in vogue. Things just evolved and we didn’t feel it was necessary to suppress our feelings.  While the desire not to suppress our feelings may be helped by increasing social acceptance, social views are not what created our love and affection.  We also apologized for not saying something sooner as part of reason for telling him was so that he didn’t find out some other way.

He did ask the, “isn’t she young for you guys” question… although his version was, “aren’t you old for her?”   He was more interested into what the appeal was for Kayla, which she answered.  She reminded him of her lifelong attraction to people older than her and the affection she has always felt from and towards us became something much deeper.  She said that perhaps it is the age difference that allows her to connect to us in a way she can’t with anyone else.  

He did ask about the long-term plans and we all admitted that those were up in the air and would evolve however they are meant to evolve. Oh, and he asked me if this means I was bisexual and have I always been that way.  Very pointed questions I wasn’t expecting, but I was happy to answer.   Yes, and yes, with the caveat it was something I haven’t explored since college.  

T2 REACTS TO D/s
He didn’t react beyond an “okay.”  We weren’t anticipating much here since he had been witness to my more subservient role in the household.

T2 REACTS TO NUDIST RETREAT
It wasn’t a complete shocker.  T1 had told him before that E’s family “used to vacation at a nude resort growing up.” (mild understatement to say the least).  T2 took it to mean as a one-off thing, not an actual lifestyle.  So he was a little surprised, but not that much and gave it his typical well thought out and elaborate response of “Cool.”  

He was “game” for attending if his work situation allows it.  That was great to hear — we were thinking it was 50/50 as to whether or not he would be open to going.  The shocker was he asked if he could bring his girlfriend.  Now that was awkward for us!

TABLES TURNED
Here we are expressing our “progressive” lifestyle regarding our relationships, plus we already having T1 living with his girlfriend (now fiancée) — yet, we were hesitant to have T2’s girlfriend along.  What of the sleeping arrangements?   I am fine with them having sex (which they have had), but, having her share a room with him makes me feel like I am somehow facilitating it.   T2 just turned 22.

Of course, when Mike said it felt a bit “creepy” to him, T2 was quick to add in jest, “You mean, like mom and dad sleeping with the babysitter?”   Touché

This led to a very frank discussion about a variety of things.  T2 shared some stuff about his prior relationship (he dated his last girlfriend for a long time), stuff about himself, and his outlook on relationships, etc.   It was all a good family bonding experience and at times, probably a bit “creepy” for all of us.  

In the end, we agreed that if he is able to come, is girlfriend is welcomed.  T said he doesn’t have any qualms about asking her, but that she may not want to or be able to attend.  We shall see. 

And in fact, apparently we shall see an awful lot!  Ha.  That’s a nudist joke in case you missed it.  

IN CONCLUSION
It went well, which I expected, but it went even better than any of us expected.  We are all feeling very good and very excited about being more ourselves around friends and family.   Technically this isn’t our “final outing” as we have other family members to deal with regarding our relationship with Kayla.  But the kids were defintely the priority and the most meaninful for us.  The others will come in time and frankly, while we obviously prefer acceptance, their reactions are less important to us.

Next: 233. Meet the Nudies

229. Heading to Splitsville?

229

Drama alert!  I know I often paint a picture that we have achieved some nirvana in my household.  Poly-bliss, D/s perfection!  Of course not!  As I recently wrote, we are human and thus subject to normal human frailty.

We’ve hit a little bump involving Kayla and her boyfriend, Michaud.  I wrote before that Kayla asked us to allow Mike in our “circle of trust.”  (our nickname for those with whom we engage with sexually, currently consisting of the three of us, John, Donna, and most recently, Matt).  I won’t rehash our concerns (you can read the post), but Mike told Kayla no; but left it open for the future if we could get to know him better. 

In the last month we have been able to get to better know Michaud.  He is nice – good boyfriend material for Kayla.  But that is different from “circle of trust” material.   He just doesn’t seem comfortable with it all – which is totally understandable. 

The frustrating part to me was that he would say he was “good with it” but I just didn’t feel it, nor did Mike.   It feels like Michaud is going through the motions, trying to say the “right” things, but really isn’t happy.  Not just unhappy with thoughts of our “circle,” but unhappy with his relationship with Kayla.  

I can be very direct and would ask him very blunt questions, but frankly, Mike asked him way tougher questions than I did.   But Kayla got annoyed at me for “intimidating” Michaud.  That’s never my intent, but if honest intimidates (and it does!), then I am guilty.

I believe it serves no useful purpose to minimize what it is we are considering here.  It is serious stuff, at least to Mike and I.   If it is going to sour, then it needs to be now, not later.   There is no benefit of putting lipstick on the pig and calling it something it isn’t.  He needs to be honest with us and with himself.  

Before Kayla brought any of this up to Michaud, we warned her of what might happen if we “rejected” him.   And it isn’t like we are rejecting him – we are still evaluating him.  Kayla finds it easier to blame me that his “evaluation” isn’t going well.   

THE METAMOUR – POLY PLOT THICKENS
Adding to this is that Michaud has started dating another girl – with Kayla’s full knowledge and consent (and initial encouragement).  Thus the growing complexity of metamours!

We will call her “X.” 

X is aware of Kayla and they have met several times.  Kayla’s take on X is that she is intrigued because it is “trendy” to date someone who is dating someone else. But she feels X doesn’t have the right heart or mindset for poly. 

X is putting a lot of pressure on Michaud to spend more time with her and less with Kayla.  And Kayla feels X is trying to get Michaud to dump her.  Of course, Michaud says that isn’t true, thus Kayla feels like he is calling her paranoid.  Adding to that, Kayla then feels Michaud is purposely ignoring X’s subterfuge, making her angry at Michaud.   

The appearance of X makes the timing of Kayla’s request suspect.  I accept Kayla’s word that these aren’t connected, but I also know sometimes our motivations aren’t always apparently to ourselves.  Would she be asking for his inclusion had he not found a second girlfriend?  X has made it clear she isn’t quite comfortable with this poly-thing, so having Michaud in our circle clearly has implications for his relationship with X.   It’s just all to potentially messing — that is not the right foundation for admittance into our circle?  Nope!  No way! 

Then, Kayla has said Michaud is getting more annoyed with her whenever she has other obligations, especially with us/Mike.   Michaud got very annoyed with her when Kayla shared the nude resort plans with him.  His reaction made her feel badly such that she asked Mike if she could invite him and they would get their own room.  Mike agreed, thinking perhaps it would be a good step towards us getting more comfortable with him.

Ultimately it made things worse.  Michaud said no.  He was not only upset that Kayla didn’t invite him to start with, but that she had to get Mike’s permission to do so.  And there it was.  It is becoming clear that Kayla’s relationship with Mike is wearing on Michaud.

There’s more examples of this – but simply, currently Michaud can not be in our “circle,” but more so, maybe he isn’t prepared to continue his relationship with Kayla. 

Neither Kayla nor Michaud are ready to admit that things are untenable.  It frustrates me a bit because to me it is very clear and they are just being dishonest with themselves.  Deep down they both see it, they just aren’t ready to admit it yet.  So instead of moving on, they are becoming increasingly passive aggressive with each other.  

Of course, Kayla doesn’t want to hear it from me.  It is easier for her to just blame me for the strain with Michaud.  I don’t like it, but that’s okay.  She knows she can feel safe in blaming me as it won’t change my love for her.   She will realize it soon enough and end things with Michaud (if he doesn’t end it first).  And she might blame me for a bit, but I believe she will soon see I had nothing to do with it. 

Adding to her feelings of acrimony towards me is that Mike actually spanked her for how she was treating me.  She got very disrespectful in one of our conversations.  Of course, she blamed me for that too.  I recognize it is easier for Kayla to blame me than it is for her to blame herself, Michaud, or Mike.  I am the safe one to blame.  I’ll accept that for now.  

My preference would be for them to realize that they give each other a lot of joy and fulfillment and thus cherish their moments together and look for more opportunities to express their love for each other.  BUT — only if that is actually how they feel.  Frankly, I don’t think it is and they just won’t admit it yet.  But their realization of it is coming soon!

Next: 230. My Happiness Formula

223. Telling the kids: A natural/ist conversation

223

I have several half-written posts.  So much to share, so little time!  In addition to better managing my time by not allowing “computer time” to dominant my days, I also started volunteer work last week!   

I discovered the source for some of my compulsion to connect to people online was that I needed more social interaction.  I have friends, but Donna works part time and has her own duties and obligations to keep up with, Kayla has school (and Michaud), and my lunch bunch friends are just like a once in a while thing – although I’ve been a bit more chatty with them lately.  Anyway, I need more interaction with people. 

I volunteered at an animal rescue place.  It’s a small operation and thus I’ll be doing a little of everything, from some office work, cleaning up after the animals, running for supplies and even helping with some pick up and rescue work.  It’s just 9 hours a week, but that means less computer time.  I just started on the 12th.  

MORE OPENLY SUBMISSIVE
I have shared before that Mike and I are more open about my submission.  It prompted some discussions from family members where I admitted to letting Mike take the reins in the household.  Without giving a lot of details, those who asked were left with a clear understanding that I defer and serve him.  Their understanding about the discipline may be a bit muddied, depending on what they asked.  We were not explicit, but some did bring up the word “spanking” and we acknowledged that it happens.  

Kayla also calls Mike, “Sir,” in front of everyone, but we had some cover.  J doesn’t call him “Sir” but he frequently uses “Yes, Sir” and “No, Sir” in his responses to his dad.  It’s just become a habit, and we basically explained Kayla’s responses are part of the habit we all have now.  However, we think it is fairly obvious that something more is going on with us and Kayla, but no one asked. 

My sisters know everything and I assume at least one or more of them have shared this information with their husbands.  And of course the bedroom situation is such that I am sure my two older kids suspect something.  By the way, we have evolved to where the three of us always sleep together with the exception of one night a week each of us gets some “alone at night” time with Mike.

MORE CRACKS IN THE “SECRET”
Let’s see, I have shared some details with my
lunch bunch friends, shared all with my sisters , then we have Michaud aware of TTWD, and then recently adding Matt to our “circle of trust,” and of course, there is John and Donna.  Yeah, the genie may not be out of the bottle, but the lid’s wide open.  Therefore, we feel it was necessary to tell our children a bit more about TTWD.   

Not all the details – who would want to know such things about their parents!?!   But definitely the basics of our choice to live D/s and that, in simplest terms, we are in a polyamorous relationship with Kayla.  We recognize the writing is on the wall.  They have to be wondering about things and it is only a matter of time before they find out some other way.  We’d rather they hear it from us. 

THE PLAN FOR TELLING OUR KIDS
We had our eldest son, T1, and his fiance over two nights ago.  After J was in bed, we talked. . . more on that in a bit.

T2 will have to wait a few weeks until we see him over Spring Break.   He will actually be a bit harder to tell.  He has always been harder to read emotionally.  He is more analytical and more likely to keep his thoughts inside and let them percolate before expressing himself — kinda like the old Jenny.   Thus, it will take time for him to fully form a reaction and thus take time for us to understand his reaction.

As for J, we will handle him a little differently.

J is 17 and I’ve explained before that he has a disability that also impacts him both cognitively and emotionally.  In some ways he is stunted by just a few years, but on other things, he is stuck at a much younger age.  The two best examples I can think of are, 1 – he has a very hard time connecting cause and effect.  Like, how his or anyone’s actions or decisions lead to something else happening.  2 – he gets tremendous anxiety over the concept of waiting.  In his mind things are either now, in the moment, or are never.

Thus he is very “in the moment” with things.  He connects to his immediate reaction and the reaction of those around  him  – no thinking ahead.  He functions best when assured everything is good in the moment, and whatever has to be addressed later won’t change the fact that all is good right now.  He also tends to absorb, reflect, and amplify the emotions of those around him.  If everyone is calm, he is calm.  If anyone is angry, he is angry.  And he has a sixth sense about emotions.  He can sense people who are uneasy or anxious – it’s really amazing, but the result his he becomes uneasy or anxious. 

All of this is to simply state that he will probably be the easiest to tell.  The explanation will be very simple and reassuring.  He already knows mom and dad have decided to let dad set a lot of the rules  and mom loves dad so much she wants to follow those rules.  We won’t explain anything regarding Kayla other than in nonchalant ways.  We will stop trying to hide any affection – like goodbye or hello kisses, or holding hands, stuff like that.  If he asks, we will answer.  We also won’t hide the sleeping arrangements or if Kayla goes with Mike on one of his business trips.  It will simply be.  If he has questions, we will answer them.   At some point we will do the same with extended family members.

QUICK BACKSTORY
Mike and I have always been very open with our kids about the body and about sex.

I openly breast fed T2 in front of T1 from when T1 was from 7 to 9 years old.  And J was breastfed until he was over three years old meaning T1 was 11-14 years old and T2 was 4-7 years old.  They were initially curious, and even asked to watch at times.  It was especially eventful when I first started pumping, but that too became normalized and the couldn’t care less when I did it.  

Mike and I never went out of our way to hide being naked from our kids.  We didn’t go out of our way to be naked in front of them either.  It was just one of those, if it happened, it happened, whether it be bathing or changing or whatever.  It was infrequent, but again, it just wasn’t a big deal.   

We would also talk about the human body pretty openly.  And we did not shy away from the birds and the bee conversations.  Suffice to say they were well informed on the sex education front.  Not that such things were common topics, but, during and throughout puberty it wasn’t unheard of for it to be a topic of conversation.

And all of this is my long-winded way of saying that overall I feel we gave our kids a healthy view on their bodies and on sex in general.  I believe that has made them to think fairly progressively on topics such as sex and nudity.  And with other values we instilled, I believe they also think progressively on topics such as equality, whether gender, race, sexual orientation, etc.   The prototype millennial! 

BACK TO T1 AND FIANCÉE  
T1 & E have been dating for almost two years, planning to get married in October.  We know her well enough that we felt we should talk to them together.  She is a modern-day hippie, oh, sorry, make that “bohemian” which apparently is the hipper term.

She is an artistic free spirit who has an incredible sense of self.  She is super smart – graduated high school a year early, and has a degree.  How  very “conformist” of her, hee hee – it’s nice that she values formal education as much as she does her unconventions.  She just turned 24, so is almost 5 years younger than T1, who turns 29 in April (and thus, she is just 10 months older than Kayla).   Mike and I both adore her and think she is a great match for T1. 

It was an easy conversation, both explaining my submissive role and our relationship with Kayla.   There was the, “Isn’t she a little young” conversation and a bit of the “ick” factor for T1 since he has known Kayla since Kayla was about 10 years old and he still thinks of her as “that little girl,”  plus, she is practically the same age as E.   As for the D/s, there were also questions related to feminism,  especially from E.  Ultimately she seemed accepting of my views on this.  

There was also the reaction that Mike must be doing something to make me do this – as if somehow it must be against my will.  I gave them plenty of reassurance that it was quite the opposite – it was my idea and our structure is largely as I have requested.  The conversation was easy, cordial, injection of fun and humor at times, and felt very good to Mike and I, and assume to T1 and E as well.  

AND THEN THEY REVEALED. . . 
And, as what often happens when you make yourself vulnerable to someone, it caused them to open up as well.  E explained that she is a lifelong “naturist.”  Something most people would call a “nudist” but she was clear she identified with the term “naturist.”  She is a third-generation naturist.  Growing up her grandparents, parents, siblings, and many cousins spent their summers at “nature camps.”  Her parents actually met at one as both sets of her grandparents were naturists.   Being naked is her preferred state of being.  Neither her nor T1 ever wears clothes around their house unless there are guests.  They have even gone to nudist resorts several times.

What a coincidence!  I was elated with this news since I have felt like a closet “naturist” my entire life – even when I was little I preferred to be naked, much to the chagrin of my mother.  Nothing sexual about it.  It just felt free and felt good.  And since adopting DD and being naked around the house, my interest in being naked has been rekindled.  So much so that I had recently asked Mike if our summer vacation could be at a nudist resort.  We had already started looking into some options and now I find out E is an “expert” in the lifestyle.  

The conversation quickly went from talking about our D/s and relationship with Kayla to talking about what her childhood was like and about places she has been, etc.   We ended up talking about planning a vacation together at resort she is fond of in South Carolina.  And, she wants to invite her parents and other family members.  Now I am all for going, but frankly, meeting them for the first time in this manner is a bit odd, even for me!  It all may sound weird, but it didn’t seem weird to her at all.  T1 was fine with it.  He said he has met several of her family members on trips that had taken to a resort and he has “bought in” to the lifestyle.  It isn’t sexual in any way.  It is simply beautiful, free, and, well, amazing.  

We even talked about all getting naked right then and there, and E was all ready to disrobe but Mike said, “I think we all have a lot to take in from our conversation tonight.  Let’s allow it to sink in before we go there.”  So, okay, at least E and I agreed that from now one, we wouldn’t bother to get dressed if one was coming to visit.  T1 sort of shrugged and was like, “Great, what’s next, a naked wedding?”   E’s eyes perked up and was like, “Yes, that would be so awesome.  Think of what we could save on the dress.”

It was said half-jokingly… but just half.  I don’t think they will change their plans of a more traditional wedding, but you never know.  Anyway, that’s one down, T2 to go.  And as I mentioned, I think T2 will be a little more challenged to understand and accept it.

Post 224. It’s all good: Behavior, Life, Love, Openness, Nudity

199. An Open Marriage!?

199

It’s about time for another general musing post, this time addressing my feelings about sex with Matt.  

Ultimately, yes, we have an open marriage.  Like any kink, when it comes to labels – what things are, what they mean, and how they make you feel – are going to be different for every person and couple.   I don’t think of our marriage as “open,” but it sure isn’t closed!  HA!  I like to think of it as being open to “possibilities” versus just wide open for all to come and go.   

IS IT CHEATING WITH PERMISSION?
No, that is not an accurate representation.  There is no cheating as we are always playing by the rules of behavior that Mike and I have established for ourselves.  It is only cheating if you break the rules. 

IS IT ALL ABOUT SEX?
No, it isn’t.  It’s about lots and lots of communication, trust, checking in with your own personal boundaries, and about having a great deal of confidence.  Confidence in yourself to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to you – and – confidence in your relationship to allow the other person to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to them.   Mike and I have great communication, clear definition of boundaries, high self-confidence, and high confidence in our relationship.  This leaves little room for accidentally crushing someone’s feelings or inciting jealousy. 

I’ve found that our sexual exploration with others has added to my sex life with Mike.  Being open creates opportunities to be exposed to new things that we may choose to incorporate in our relationship.   We can also explore sexual relationships or activities that involve both of us, such as threesomes, foursomes, or role-playing that require more than just the two of us.  I have desired and experienced things I never even gave thought to before DD.  And I have experienced things that I previously hid away in my head as pure fantasy.  

BOUNDARIES
Mike and I have boundaries, but there are no specific prohibited acts.  The boundary is simply that we have to both be aware of what the other is doing and be willing to talk about specifics if the other wants to know.   In other words, no secrets.  

This has been easy because most of our sex with others has been in the presence of each other.  The few times it hasn’t, we talk about it.   We talk about it because we are always interested in learning about what and why they liked or disliked what they did.  And we talk about it with a degree of indifference and nonchalance that you would think we were talking about some television show one of us saw without the other.  We don’t want to hear about every line in the show, but we want to know if it was enjoyable.  That, and, well, whether or not there were one or more orgasms and what orifice did they come in.   Yeah, exactly something you’d want to know about a show they saw without you.  HA!! 

I do have some additional “rules” that Mike doesn’t have.  Namely I can only be with others with his specific approval.  Contrast this with Mike who  is free to be with anyone at anytime, just so long as he tells me about it.  He only has to tell me in advance if the time being spent with the other person takes away from time with me.  For instance, if he were to go out while I was at home and he wanted to have sex with someone.  But, if say he was on a business trip and had the opportunity for sex, he can simply tell me about it later.  By the way, I came up with that rule, not Mike. 

Although we have these rules, we haven’t needed to implement them much.  But Mike and I have at least talked about it because we are aware that our relationship is such that these things could happen.  Neither of us are currently seeking sexual partners outside our current “circle of trust” but we aren’t adverse to it if the opportunity presents itself.   That current “circle of trust” includes Kayla, John, Donna, and at least for the moment, Matt.  

OTHER BENEFITS
Being open with sex means having more frank conversations.  Once sex lost all vestiges of taboo in our conversations, we both became comfortable admitting when we are or aren’t in the mood, and more comfortable talking about people we are attracted to and the things we enjoyed doing (or having done to us).  This led to learning new things about each other and made us closer. 

I was married to Mike for almost 25 years before I really understood what he liked the most about sex.  And the same is true for Mike fully understanding what I enjoyed most about sex.  How sad we went so long with “secrets” about what made us feel good. Why do people do that!?!?   We wouldn’t keep such secrets about anything else in life, so why keep them regarding sex? 

WHAT NEXT?
I don’t know.  It’s possible our “circle of trust” never grows further.  We both seem to prefer fewer, deeper relationships than many casual ones.  We haven’t really put ourselves in a position to have opportunities for more sexual partners.   We did “flirt” a bit with some FetLife functions and of course there was “the party.”  While they were fun, we just didn’t connect with the people with met.  

Mike and I share our sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies with each other.  When we got into DD we made this a priority, and honestly, it was very difficult and took time to fully evolve to where we share everything.  Here’s an excerpt from that post: 

Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  

Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. 

REMAINING DESIRES? 
We define a sexual “fantasy” as something we actually don’t want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible.   Whereas, a sexual “desire” is something we aspire to experience.  Over time there are things that could move from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box.

One such fantasy that made this move is my “stranger in the night” fantasy.  In it I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name.  This merged with a fantasy of Mike’s where he basically “pimps” me out (but obviously with no money being exchanged).   The experience with Matt  was close to this, but Matt isn’t a stranger.   In this merged fantasy Mike and I have talked about going out with the intent of seducing someone, man or woman, to have sex with me.  We could make this happen if we stayed engaged in FetLife activities, but both of us share the desire for this to be more organic.  That is, unexpected — not a kink event where such things are likely to occur, but just say a random encounter at a restaurant.

Even if we don’t ever fully act on this desire, sharing it and merging his desire with mine has provided some great titillation.   There are times we are out and one of us says to the other, “How about that one?”  And then we talk about how we would seduce them and what we would do.  Just talking about it gets us both all hot and bothered.  Perhaps some day will we actually try to make it happen.

FANTASIES?
One of Mike’s fantasies involves me as a “Center of Attention” with a lot of guys.  In his words, “like at least seven, if not ten.”   A hallmark of this fantasy is that it ends with me drenched in their cum.  Mike admits he likes the thought of it, but not actually wants me to do it.   Mike did ask me if it was something I would do.  I said yes, of course, but that didn’t change his views that this should stay a fantasy of his.   He sort of got an inkling of what it would actually be like and that was enough to convince him to keep it a fantasy.

Knowing that Mike had this fantasy, I had John come on my face.  When we were done, Mike was like, “Ew, please go wash up.”  He didn’t want to kiss me or get close to me, even after I scrubbed.  So yeah, the fantasy is almost always better than the reality because in the fantasy you don’t have to consider such things.

One of my fantasies includes Mike having sex with other men.  It’s something I know he isn’t into (I’ve asked!) and thus I leave it as a fantasy.  I wonder if this is common fantasy for women?  It really gets me off to think about sharing sucking a cock with him.  Did my stating that make you feel weird?  Well, that’s the thing about being completely open and honest with your partner.  You can say such things as if you simply asking if you wanted to share a piece of cake.  It’s no big deal if they say no.

Bottom line, both Mike and I feel 100% confident to ask for and enjoy anything sexually, whether with each other or someone else.

Next: Post 200.  Balloons and Submission?

186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend

186

PREAMBLE
I believe that everyone should have exactly as much sex as they do or don’t want to have, with whomever they do or don’t want to have it, in whatever fashion they do or don’t want to have it.  Only two conditions; 1. Legal consent must be present.  2.  You must be transparent with your committed partner(s) regarding your sexual activities that do not include them.  If those conditions apply, then no one needs to justify their sexual choices.

Not sure why I felt compelled to share that, but I did.  With that out of the way. . .

KAYLA’S PLUS ONE PART TWO
This is a continuation of my last post, Kayla’s Plus One.

So Kayla told Michaud about her being Mike’s submissive as well as her overall dynamic with Mike and I.  Not every detail mind you, but the “big stuff” that allowed him to understand what he was getting into if he wanted to pursue a relationship with Kayla.

HIS REACTION
Simply put, it went well.  Kayla was happy and that is all that matters.  Michaud still wants to see her, albeit a bit bewildered.  

She told us he did have a lot of questions after all.  Turned out, he was suspicious that something “unique” was going on with her but couldn’t place it.  He purposely didn’t pepper her with questions.  He was concerned that he might offend her if he presumed something incorrectly.  I can see how awkward it could have been if he questioned her “collar” with some BDSM or M/s reference only for Kayla to say, “Uh, what are you talking about?”   

He had concerns about what it could mean for them in the long run if things get really serious.  However, after they talked about it he resolved this much like we have.  Michaud’s view was, “Why worry about that now.  We only know a little bit about each other at this point.  Let’s not create problems that don’t exist and see where it takes us.  We can deal with problems when we are actually faced with them.”  I believe this is the perfect mindset to have in this situation.   

He very clearly told her that he does not want to stop seeing her and that this “only intrigues him more.”  He told Kayla, “There are a lot more layers to you than I thought.  I find you very interesting, not as an oddity, but as in, I want to understand this girl more.”

He had questions trying to understand what the D/s dynamic was about.  Lunch in a restaurant wasn’t conducive to such detailed talks.  Kayla told him that she needed to get home as she has chores to do, but she should be available after dinner to Face Time or Skype or whatever they use – “assuming Mike allowed it.”  Their lunch ended with a hug and kiss, so clearly he took it well.

SHARING THE MEAT AND POTATOES OF HER DYNAMIC
Last night they talked for about two hours. 
Kayla was very clear on how things were and needed to be.  She shared with him the fulfillment she gets from being submissive to Mike, the types of behaviors she gets punished for, what Mike and I mean to her, a little bit about what types of discipline she receives, and that she has sex with Mike and I “all the time.”  Okay, maybe that is more than “meat and potatoes.”  A bit of salad and desert too?   Whatever the idiom, suffice to say she shared plenty, but not every detail.  

Kayla also asked him plenty of questions about what he thought.  His biggest concern was about her availability to be with him given her “obligations” to Mike and I.  She told him that she would work out something with Mike.  She said they simply should get together whenever they could do so.  She told him, “The answer may be no sometimes, but that’s just the way it is, no different than if I were working, had other family obligations, school, etc.”  

WHAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP COMMITMENT IS THIS?
Michaud asked Kayla if she planed on pursuing more sexual relationships.  She said the way he put it was, “Just how many boyfriends or girlfriends are enough?”

Kayla jokingly responded with, “Who said you and I were ever having sex?  Assuming you are able to woo me, here’s how it works with me. . . ”  Kayla told him it wasn’t about “enough” and she wasn’t going to commit to anything regarding other relationships.  She did say that she has no plans to pursue more relationships, but in all honesty she can only commit to him that she would be open and honest when and if she had the desire to seek additional relationships.    

Further, Kayla asked for, and received, an equal commitment from him that if their relationship got to be “too much” for him, he should share those feelings with her and share them quickly, not letting them fester.  From the sound of it, it seems Kayla has her head on straight when it comes to this poly stuff!

They talked about Michaud being free to pursue other relationships.  They wouldn’t consider themselves exclusive to each other, but would consider themselves “responsible” to each other regarding not hiding other relationships.   This was all new to Michaud.  He has only been in “traditional” relationships until now.  And Kayla jokingly added, “Yeah, those kind where people cheat.”  She did so because Michaud had shared some prior relationship experiences of being both the cheater and being cheated on.

Kayla also suggested that he read up on poly relationships so he could better understand the potential pitfalls, along with the potential fulfillment, they can bring.   

Michaud asked Kayla if he was required to meet with Mike.  Kayla told him, as we had already discussed, that no, there was no “requirement” for him to meet Mike (or me).  Both Mike and I believe her thing with Michaud is “her thing.”  It does not include us.  Not that we are opposed to ever meeting him, but, it is not a prerequisite.  Such meetings don’t have to be more than him dropping by to see Kayla or pick her up.  Michaud was good with that.

Overall, Kayla said Michaud was “good” with everything.  While he had several answers that were, “we will just have to see how that plays out,” there wasn’t anything he seemed overly concerned with or that he objected to.

From her account of the conversation, it seems Kayla was unapologetic about her dynamic with us.  She seemed to convey a strong resolve in staying committed to our dynamic and was frank and honest in her answers so as not to set an unrealistic view of how things are or will be.  She presented our dynamic as very much a part of who she is and Michaud must accept it, else he is rejecting who she is and that would be that.  Thus far he has accepted it.   But, talk is one thing.  When you start living it, human emotions take over and things get “real.”

JEALOUSY
Kayla, Mike, and I had another discussion on what to be prepared for, namely regarding jealousy.  For instance, at some point Michaud may want to know why she isn’t submissive to him, or why Mike has a level of control over her that he does not have.  It may be irritating to Michaud for Kayla to have to be accountable to Mike.  Even more irritating is simply knowing your girlfriend does things for someone else that they won’t do for you, whether mundane acts of service or something sexual.  It is only natural for someone to have a hard time with that.   They didn’t have that conversation yet, but it is best to have it soon, before such feelings fester.

We even talked about the risk that either Mike or I could become jealous.  Mike half-jokingly said, “Well, I can always play the Dom-card.”  He added, “But seriously, we want you to have a fulfilling relationship with Michaud and it is up to you to sense when you need more or less fulfillment from us or more and less from him.  It would be unfair for me to impose anything that took away from your fulfillment.  Of course, the caveat being I will step in if I sense you are fooling yourself or Michaud regarding what you get and give to your relationship together.  Is that understood?”

Yes, Sir,” Kayla smiled.

“And not that I am fond of repeating myself,” added Mike, but given your spanking yesterday, I will reassure you yet again.  We are very happy for you and encourage you to pursue a relationship with Michaud to the extent YOU want to do so.  Don’t feel obligated to us.  Stay obligated to yourself, your feelings, your needs, your desires.  That is what brings us the greatest joy.  My role as your Dom is not to dictate what fulfills you, but to lead you to what fulfills you, even if that means you want to spend more time with Michaud than us.  Is that understood?

“YES, SIR,” Kayla said loudly and proudly.

ADMINISTRIVIA
Oh, and Kayla told him he needed to get tested for STD’s.  She reciprocated and offered to have Mike and I do the same if he wanted that (we discussed this before hand).  At first he was a bit reluctant, saying it just seemed “weird” to do that, but he eventually said he understood why and that it was probably a good idea.  He would get tested and he asked that the three of us do as well.

Off to the doctor!   See, already something we have to do because of Michaud!  I told you relationships can complicate things!  (Sarcasm implied).  Oh the things we do for This Thing we Do!

NEXT:  187. Happy Wife. Happy Life.

185. Kayla’s Plus One

185

Relationships can be complicated, and the more people involved, the more complicated they may become.

I wrote about Michaud, one of Kayla’s friends, in Post 179. Kayla’s Social Life.  Their friendship has progressed a bit in the last week.  Friday (three days ago from this writing), Michaud walked Kayla to her car when they left school together.  As she simply put it, they “made out a little” before she got in the car.  That evening Kayla sat Mike and I down to share this news.      

Kayla was nervous when she told us.  She was worried that one or both of us would be upset with her.  We reassured her we were not.  We are happy for her and want to support her.  We don’t have any firm “relationship” rules.   In the past when the topic has been discussed we told Kayla we hoped she wouldn’t hesitate to seek outside relationships if she found someone she liked.

So, here we are.  Lot’s of questions we have to answer for ourselves as a trio.  HOWEVER, right now Michaud doesn’t know about Kayla’s relationship with Mike and I, other than she lives with us.

We all agreed that she needs to tell him as soon as possible before things progress.  Kayla said she had dropped some hints but he never really “bit” on them so she didn’t reveal more.  She didn’t want to just blurt it out.  For instance, he commented once on her “necklace” and she said, “Oh, that’s my collar, I feel so good wearing it.”   She thought he would ask why, or question why she calls it a collar.  Instead he just said, “That’s nice, it looks good on you.”

He has told her that she lives with us.  On a few occasions when they would attempt to plan something together she would say, “I need to check with Mike.”   Nothing.  No reaction.  No questions.  Clearly he is not the inquisitive type.  She is going to have to be blunt and straightforward with him.  We all agreed that, assuming he doesn’t bail on her, we shouldn’t assume he will ask a lot of questions.  Thus, Kayla may need to be prepared in how she explains things to him.

CHANGES TO OUR DYNAMIC?
The first question Mike had of Kayla was, assuming Michaud didn’t freak, what was her desires regarding any changes in our dynamic?  Kayla was adamant that she didn’t want anything to change.  She wants to continue to be submissive to Mike, be disciplined by Mike, and continue “as usual” with us.  

Mike followed, “If you present it to Michaud as a ‘take it or leave it’ proposition regarding continuing on with us ‘as usual,’ are you prepared for him to want to cut off your friendship?”  She said she was, but didn’t think it would be that dramatic.  She figures her disclosure may cause him to avoid a romantic relationship with her, but he would remain friendly – continue to hang out and study together.   We told her that may be unrealistic and don’t be surprised if this is the last meaningful conversation they have.  That saddened her but she understands this is a possibility, however remote in her mind.

WHAT TO SAY?
Kayla said she would tell him that she is poly and in a relationship with us.  She will go on to tell Michaud that while she is attracted to him and wants to have a relationship with him, he must accept that she will continue her existing relationship.   If he flips out, then that’s that.  

If he doesn’t freak out, then she plans to then tell him about the D/s.  If it gets to this, she plans to tell him that Mike is her Dom and that too will not change.  If he still hasn’t bailed at this point, then she will answer his questions, assuming he has any, and see where things go from there.

Mike didn’t have other questions of Kayla, but did make one demand.  He told her “Assuming he doesn’t freak out, I don’t want you to have sex with him until the three of us talk again.  And I mean absolutely nothing outside of a kiss.  Once you come back and report to us how things went, the three of us will talk about how we should proceed.”

“Yes, Sir,” said Kayla.

Mike then asked me if I had questions or comments.  I reiterated to Kayla that we support her and hope it works out the way she hopes it will.  I also shared Mike’s concerns that we have more issues to resolve if their relationship is to move forward.  Safe-sex, how do we determine STD free, and stuff like that.  I then asked Mike what his thoughts are if Michaud asked about “joining in” on our dynamic in some way.

DON’T COMPLICATION OUR LIFE
Mike said he wouldn’t rule anything out, except it would take pretty ‘extreme and unique” circumstances for him to even consider that.  He feels our “thing” is working well, and adding anyone to it just risks “complicating and upsetting the apple cart.”   He again brought up that this is why he wanted us to ““slow down”” regarding our FetLife adventures.  He added, “Exploring and experimenting is fun, but has its’ dangers and we have explored and experimented plenty.”  

Mike ended it with “It serves no purpose to even entertain anything beyond Kayla figuring out just how compatible she is with Michaud.  She can’t do that if we insert ourselves in their relationship.  Our dynamic will make it tough enough for their relationship to grow.  We don’t need to make it even harder on them.”    

KAYLA EARNS A SPANKING
Mike asked Kayla if she had questions of us.  It was funny, in a D/s sort of way, in that she again questioned if he was really okay with her possibly pursuing a relationship with Michaud.

Mike responded, “I answered your questions once already.  So you must think I was lying when I answered it.  Stand up and bend over young lady.”

“Yes, Sir,” Kayla did as she was told.

ANY QUESTIONS? (said in the best David S. Pumpkins voice)
After her spanking, Mike again asked her if she had any questions.  She didn’t, but did make a statement that I thought was very nice.  She told Mike that she is HIS submissive and she will end any relationship with anyone if he orders her to do so.   She added that she would do so not only out of respect for his role as her Dom, but because she respects his judgement.  She said she would always comply with his demands, even if she didn’t agree, because she knows his decisions are based on what he believes is best for her.

This prompted Mike to tell her that he has no reason to distrust her judgement.  He has been impressed with her relationships with all her friends.  He is impressed with how she handles herself as his submissive and he has immense respect and love for her. He said he will always discuss any concerns he has.  Further, he intends to give her an opportunity to address those concerns before issuing an edict on ending things with Michaud or anyone else.

Kayla appeared pleased by the conversation and admittedly a bit apprehensive about her pending talk with Michaud.  In addition to being attracted to him, she enjoys him has a friend.  It concerns her that she may lose him as a friend.

We’ll see where this goes.  Kayla will be talking to Michaud today.

NEXT:  186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend