Tag Archives: poly

231. Some Fun, an Ending, the Future.

Kayla and Michaud broke up.  More on that in a bit.  That build-up and ultimate break up led to a lot of conversation between Mike, Kayla, and I about her relationship with us. I thought I’d provide you a peek into that discussion.  But before I do, here’s some other Kayla-related news and some details on the break up.

SOME FUN – MIKE AND KAYLA
Mike had a business trip last week and Kayla went with him.  It was in a nearby city so they drove — it was just far enough that it didn’t make sense to drive back and forth for two days.  They left Wednesday evening and while his business was wrapped up by Friday, they stayed an extra evening and drove back Saturday afternoon. 

It was nice to have the house to myself during the day.  I was hoping for more internet time but Mike gave me a few projects that took up a lot of my time.  When I did have some “me” time, I spent it relaxing — ahem, masturbating.  I do that anyway – but let’s just say it was some extended “me” time!

SELF-SPANKING MAINTENANCE
Mike was gone during our Thursday maintenance so we Skyped it.  Mike had me give myself a spanking — that’s new.  It was part comical and felt odd.  After some trail and error I found the perfect implement — it hurt way more than I thought!  Mike didn’t have any count in mind and I was able to stop once he felt my butt “looked” the right shade of pink to him. 

It’s weird but I actually felt a tinge of embarrassment.  That was extremely surprising to me because one, I don’t embarrass easily, and two, especially not when it comes to anything I do with Mike.   This feeling didn’t disappoint me – it excited me.  Feeling a little embarrassed made me feel very submissive.

Mike was very thoughtful in that he had Kayla go down to the pool during our Maintenance Session.  He knows I like our sessions to be intimate, in terms of no Kayla or other people to distract us.  A time to focus on us, our relationship, our dynamic.  I didn’t ask him to excuse Kayla, but I did thank him for doing so.

MY THOUGHTS ON MIKE AND KAYLA
I like Mike and Kayla having “couple” time of their own.  I mentioned before we alternate “date nights” with Mike each weekend.  I know it has to sound weird to a lot of you, but I enjoy sharing Mike with Kayla.  It fills me to see Mike having the capacity to love her in ways you would love a girlfriend, even a spouse.  I don’t see it subtracting from his love for me in any way.

It also fills me to see Kayla so happy with him.  I know there is quite an age difference (26 years!) but Kayla is so visibly in love with him.  I’ve written before about how Kayla has always been attracted to older people…whether it be friends or lovers.  Although granted, it has typically been 5-7 years older, not 26.   That’s why her relationship with Michaud was unique.  He is just two years older than Kayla.

Oh, and of course, as far as unique goes, there is the whole she-is-submissive-to-Mike, in-a-poly-relationship-with-us, and most recently Michaud-has-another-girlfriend.  Yeah, perhaps those things make it a little bit unique as well.  lol. 

AN ENDING – SPEAKING OF MICHAUD
They officially broke up!  I don’t take any gratification in the fact that I saw it coming.   Kayla simply realized that the more she was with him,  the more she wished she was back home with us –  or as she put it, “doing something with her family.”

I think he is a nice guy, and that “niceness” caused him to want to keep trying (he didn’t want to break up), but, per Kayla, it was wearing on him and it showed in his demeanor.  Kayla understands and doesn’t blame him, and she isn’t going to apologize for it as she feels she was 100% honest with him from the start.  He could have balked but clearly he was intrigued with her and that intrigue has worn off.  So, they parted – amicably.

THE FUTURE – KAYLA’S FUTURE
The end of her relationship with Michaud and her soon finishing up her first year of grad school has us thinking about our future.  I believe what has made our relationship work is that we spent a lot of talking about it at the beginning (wow, it’s been about 15 months).  We were all very comfortable and “calibrated” regarding our feelings and desires.  We were overdue for a “calibration” check.

The conversation basically started with, “What are we to each other?”  It is easy enough for Mike and I, as husband and wife.  Nothing has changed there. But what of Kayla to Mike and to me, and us to her?

I won’t go into detail on the many conversations – most with the three of us but some with just any combination of two of us — and the countless conversations with myself in my mind, ha!  The simplest summation is that they were filled with love.  Mike and I truly love Kayla, and she loves us.  She feels like we are her family and we feel she is a part of our family.   There just aren’t labels that exists that relate to her family status.

I took a daring step in asking this question. “If plural marriages were legal, would Mike and Kayla get married?”  We were all in agreement that the answer, at least for now, would be no.  Kayla has so much ahead of her and in many ways our age difference would preclude her from experiencing things she should experience, free from a formal  attachment to us.  Our attachment, our love… just doesn’t need such formality.

And of course, Kayla added, “And why just wonder about marrying Mike.  In this ‘what if,’ I could marry Jen too, couldn’t I?”  Certainly, in this ‘what if’ we can imagine anything.  Her point was, she loves both of us and we both love her.

KAYLA IS OUR GIRLFRIEND
And speaking of labels, Kayla is now referring to Mike as her boyfriend, and both Mike and I refer to Kayla as our girlfriend.  Mike is waiting for the day someone says, “Wait, I thought you said you were married.”   I am sure that is coming (we thought it would on this business trip as he had dinner planned with a business associate and Kayla was going to attend.  The associate had to cancel as they weren’t feeling well so Mike didn’t get the opportunity to try out the “girlfriend” intro.).

Kayla said she really loves the fact we are now open about our poly relationship.  At the time she didn’t think it really mattered to her.  She always understood and agreed with why it should be private.  But once we opened up, she was surprised by how much more valued it made her feel.  She said she never felt devalued before, but clearly, being open about it has meant something to her.   She just never expected it thus never gave it any thought, but clearly, it means a lot to her. 

FUTURE?
She said her family (us) means more to her than anything right now.  She is open to dating if the right person came along, man or woman, but can’t imagine a set of circumstances that would work for her.  She has another year before she has to seriously think about what’s next.  For her immediate future, she wants to focus on her submission and on us.  While she doesn’t regret dating Michaud, she feels it took “the edge” off her submissive mindset.  

As for a longer term future, one narrative in her mind is she finds a job in this town and continues to live with us.  We are all welcoming of this.  Another is she finds a job in another town and has to move away.   While this one comes with some sadness, we are also excited by it as well.  We feel it is important that she spread her wings and has time “adulting” on her own – this may be her last opportunity for that in her lifetime.  After that time, if it leads her back to us, great!  If it doesn’t, great as well. 

We all are in agreement that her path needs to be hers and packed with various life experiences that fulfill her not just today, but set her on a path of a lifetime of fulfillment. 

A POLY COMING OUT!!
Tomorrow T2 is home and we will be “coming out” regarding our dynamic as well as inviting him to meet E’s family.  Oh – and Kayla wants to tell her parents about us as well.  We have reservations but are supportive of her doing so.

NAKED PREVIEW
Also, I got to experience a bit of what meeting E’s family will be like.  Her cousin, cousin’s husband and three kids, visited her and we got to meet them.  Yes, they are naturists. More on that on another post.       

Next. 232. Our Final “Outing”  

224. It’s all good: Behavior, Life, Love, Openness, Nudity

224

I feel so alive right now and in such a good groove on so many levels.

BEHAVIOR IS GOOD
I haven’t been disciplined in just over two weeks now.  I didn’t even get a chance to share my last spanking, so here it is in brevity.

I told someone I email back and forth with the city in which I live.  That is a no-no, and a big one.  Mike is very tired of me pushing the limits of our privacy rules.  The spanking was significant, even more than the New Years Eve one, and include the very real threat of losing my blog if I ever again disclose things like that without his permission.  Mike has shown he does not make idle threats.   He means it.

I was going to have a post all about it but it’s been so long I no longer feel compelled to share.  Suffice to say I was feeling pretty down about it.   I feel bad for pushing Mike to the point he had to make such a “nuclear” threat.  Compounding my feelings was that it was all part of about 4-6 weeks of some major “submission” fails in my book.

It caused me to focus more intently on adhering to my commitments and it paid off – like I said, I am now just over two weeks since my last disciplining.  As much as I prefer not being disciplined, two weeks discipline-free makes me all the more thankful for our maintenance sessions!  They have been welcomed and critical to helping me stay in a submissive mindset.  

LIFE IS GOOD!
Things are great on the D/s front, I am enjoying my volunteer work, J is doing great health and behavior-wise, T2 will be graduating college in May and has two job offers he is considering (leaning towards taking one in San Diego), and T1’s upcoming nuptials fill the air with excitement.  Kayla is wrapping up her first year of grad school (excellent grades), and seems to be in a good grove with her boyfriend, Michaud.  

LOVE IS GOOD!
Mike’s work is going well, and our relationship has never been stronger.  Mike and Kayla have also become exceptionally close and it warms my heart to witness it.  And my relationship with Kayla is strong as well.

We are human, so occasionally there are petty things that come up, but we hit them head on and talk about them whenever they arise – never let them fester.  Typically it deals with differences in how Mike treats us.  We all understand we have differences in our relationships with each other, in our needs as individuals, and in what Kayla and I thrive in as submissives.  But still, there are times we need to remind ourselves to appreciate these differences and not let them interfere in our happiness. 

Thankfully, such interference is few and far between.  I only mention it so as not to paint an inaccurate picture of constant bliss.  We are human, thus subject to the frailty of human emotions.   And a poly relationship with a married couple can exploit those frailties for everyone involved.   Thus communication and love is so extra important.    Love conquers all!

OPENNESS IS GOOD
Adding to all of that, it feels wonderful to be more open with who we are.  I know this seems contrary to Mike’s fervor over online privacy.   He draws a distinction between not hiding in the real world and being “out there” online.  He was feeling it was unfair to Kayla for us to have to hide things, as if we were embarrassed by it, which we were not.  And he felt i
t would be unfair for our kids to learn of it some other way.  And as for D/s, he wasn’t  enthusiastic with sharing, but he recognized it was also too difficult to keep hidden from those that frequently interact with us. 

He also knows my proclivity to push any flexibility he showsif I had my way, I’d be on YouTube singing the praises of my lifestyle choices.  Thus he has drawn a line with what I can and can’t share online and expects me to adhere to it.  And in “real world,” he still does not want us talking about it for no reason or without his permission – and when we do, give the least amount of information as needed.

Oh, one major “openness” breakthrough with Mike has to do with Kayla.  At times when she has to be introduced, we’ve given the awkward, “She is a family friend who is staying with us until she finishes school.”  (Post 112).  This description always made us feel bad, as if we were discounting what Kayla means to us.  Now, if asked or if simply introducing her, she will be “my girlfriend, Kayla.”   Easy enough for me to get away with without people thinking anything of it, as the term has platonic connotations when I say it.  But Mike will also be saying this.  It will certainly raise some eyebrows.  I am excited for Kayla as I know it makes her feel very good – very valued – that we are willing to do this.

NUDITY IS GOOD
E’s revelation excites me.  I’ve shared a little bit about my upbringing in so far as some of the values championed by my mother than were instilled in me.  Here’s a tidbit I haven’t shared before that is both curious and humorous.  I was a child nudist!  

My parents told me my penchant for wearing my birthday suit began as soon as I was able to take my own clothes off – and even before I was potty trained.  Once i figured out I could pull a diaper off, off they came.  Suffice to say my parents had extra incentive to quickly get me potty trained. 

My mom said I would complain that clothing was “heavy and itchy.”  I think I had some overactive tactile response to clothing.  She would try to get me light and loose-fitting materials, but no avail.  By around age 5 we seemed to have negotiated an arrangement where I was always naked at home, but understood I needed to wear clothes when certain people came over or we went out.  My parents were very accommodating, never making me feel bad for wanting to be clothes free.  Their “everyone else has clothes on” seemed to convince me that I should too without feeling bad for preferring to be naked.

At the start of first grade (just turned 6) I got the “you’re a big girl now, going to school, yadda yadda. . . thus you need to start wearing clothes.”  I remember not understanding why it was a big deal to be naked at home.  I vividly remember my mom asking me at what age I think I should stop being naked around the house.  I told her, “when I have boobies because that’s what bothers people.”  I once thought this innocent answer was cute, but grew to take it as a sad commentary that still applies to society’s views on nudity.  I digress.

Growing up there wasn’t a lot of nudity (other than me) in the house, but there also wasn’t any shame in it.  If I happened to wander in at an inopportune moment, neither my parents or siblings cared – and any questions were met with age appropriate answers – much like how Mike and I run our household.  

On my seventh birthday, I boldly announced my decision to start wearing clothes around the house.  I remember it made me feel grown up to proclaim this, even though I still wanted to be naked.  At that point I confined my nudity mostly to my room.  My routine was after a bath I would dry off and stay naked as I made my way to my room and I slept in the nude.  It stayed that way all the way until college.  From there I got in the habit of wearing pajamas and pretty much retained that habit until embracing D/s.  

Today, being naked around the house has rekindled the “naturist” within me.  I loved it last year when Mike, Kayla, and I were nude on our Immersion get-away.   And now with E, I’ve found a kindred spirit in the desire to be clothes-free.  Fortunately, Mike is supportive.  We are eagerly planning a getaway this summer.

A question remains whether we will bring J with us.  We might go during the two weeks of the summer he spends at my parents.  But we also might just take him.  The nudity isn’t a concern for us, it is the accommodations.  With his disability there is a lot we have to consider, from accessibility, dietary needs, and entertainment.  If we can find the right place, we may take him, otherwise, we won’t.

Oh, this reminds me of a skinny dipping story of my youth!  Perhaps on my next post!

Post 225. Pansexual (and a skinny dip story)

185. Kayla’s Plus One

185

Relationships can be complicated, and the more people involved, the more complicated they may become.

I wrote about Michaud, one of Kayla’s friends, in Post 179. Kayla’s Social Life.  Their friendship has progressed a bit in the last week.  Friday (three days ago from this writing), Michaud walked Kayla to her car when they left school together.  As she simply put it, they “made out a little” before she got in the car.  That evening Kayla sat Mike and I down to share this news.      

Kayla was nervous when she told us.  She was worried that one or both of us would be upset with her.  We reassured her we were not.  We are happy for her and want to support her.  We don’t have any firm “relationship” rules.   In the past when the topic has been discussed we told Kayla we hoped she wouldn’t hesitate to seek outside relationships if she found someone she liked.

So, here we are.  Lot’s of questions we have to answer for ourselves as a trio.  HOWEVER, right now Michaud doesn’t know about Kayla’s relationship with Mike and I, other than she lives with us.

We all agreed that she needs to tell him as soon as possible before things progress.  Kayla said she had dropped some hints but he never really “bit” on them so she didn’t reveal more.  She didn’t want to just blurt it out.  For instance, he commented once on her “necklace” and she said, “Oh, that’s my collar, I feel so good wearing it.”   She thought he would ask why, or question why she calls it a collar.  Instead he just said, “That’s nice, it looks good on you.”

He has told her that she lives with us.  On a few occasions when they would attempt to plan something together she would say, “I need to check with Mike.”   Nothing.  No reaction.  No questions.  Clearly he is not the inquisitive type.  She is going to have to be blunt and straightforward with him.  We all agreed that, assuming he doesn’t bail on her, we shouldn’t assume he will ask a lot of questions.  Thus, Kayla may need to be prepared in how she explains things to him.

CHANGES TO OUR DYNAMIC?
The first question Mike had of Kayla was, assuming Michaud didn’t freak, what was her desires regarding any changes in our dynamic?  Kayla was adamant that she didn’t want anything to change.  She wants to continue to be submissive to Mike, be disciplined by Mike, and continue “as usual” with us.  

Mike followed, “If you present it to Michaud as a ‘take it or leave it’ proposition regarding continuing on with us ‘as usual,’ are you prepared for him to want to cut off your friendship?”  She said she was, but didn’t think it would be that dramatic.  She figures her disclosure may cause him to avoid a romantic relationship with her, but he would remain friendly – continue to hang out and study together.   We told her that may be unrealistic and don’t be surprised if this is the last meaningful conversation they have.  That saddened her but she understands this is a possibility, however remote in her mind.

WHAT TO SAY?
Kayla said she would tell him that she is poly and in a relationship with us.  She will go on to tell Michaud that while she is attracted to him and wants to have a relationship with him, he must accept that she will continue her existing relationship.   If he flips out, then that’s that.  

If he doesn’t freak out, then she plans to then tell him about the D/s.  If it gets to this, she plans to tell him that Mike is her Dom and that too will not change.  If he still hasn’t bailed at this point, then she will answer his questions, assuming he has any, and see where things go from there.

Mike didn’t have other questions of Kayla, but did make one demand.  He told her “Assuming he doesn’t freak out, I don’t want you to have sex with him until the three of us talk again.  And I mean absolutely nothing outside of a kiss.  Once you come back and report to us how things went, the three of us will talk about how we should proceed.”

“Yes, Sir,” said Kayla.

Mike then asked me if I had questions or comments.  I reiterated to Kayla that we support her and hope it works out the way she hopes it will.  I also shared Mike’s concerns that we have more issues to resolve if their relationship is to move forward.  Safe-sex, how do we determine STD free, and stuff like that.  I then asked Mike what his thoughts are if Michaud asked about “joining in” on our dynamic in some way.

DON’T COMPLICATION OUR LIFE
Mike said he wouldn’t rule anything out, except it would take pretty ‘extreme and unique” circumstances for him to even consider that.  He feels our “thing” is working well, and adding anyone to it just risks “complicating and upsetting the apple cart.”   He again brought up that this is why he wanted us to ““slow down”” regarding our FetLife adventures.  He added, “Exploring and experimenting is fun, but has its’ dangers and we have explored and experimented plenty.”  

Mike ended it with “It serves no purpose to even entertain anything beyond Kayla figuring out just how compatible she is with Michaud.  She can’t do that if we insert ourselves in their relationship.  Our dynamic will make it tough enough for their relationship to grow.  We don’t need to make it even harder on them.”    

KAYLA EARNS A SPANKING
Mike asked Kayla if she had questions of us.  It was funny, in a D/s sort of way, in that she again questioned if he was really okay with her possibly pursuing a relationship with Michaud.

Mike responded, “I answered your questions once already.  So you must think I was lying when I answered it.  Stand up and bend over young lady.”

“Yes, Sir,” Kayla did as she was told.

ANY QUESTIONS? (said in the best David S. Pumpkins voice)
After her spanking, Mike again asked her if she had any questions.  She didn’t, but did make a statement that I thought was very nice.  She told Mike that she is HIS submissive and she will end any relationship with anyone if he orders her to do so.   She added that she would do so not only out of respect for his role as her Dom, but because she respects his judgement.  She said she would always comply with his demands, even if she didn’t agree, because she knows his decisions are based on what he believes is best for her.

This prompted Mike to tell her that he has no reason to distrust her judgement.  He has been impressed with her relationships with all her friends.  He is impressed with how she handles herself as his submissive and he has immense respect and love for her. He said he will always discuss any concerns he has.  Further, he intends to give her an opportunity to address those concerns before issuing an edict on ending things with Michaud or anyone else.

Kayla appeared pleased by the conversation and admittedly a bit apprehensive about her pending talk with Michaud.  In addition to being attracted to him, she enjoys him has a friend.  It concerns her that she may lose him as a friend.

We’ll see where this goes.  Kayla will be talking to Michaud today.

NEXT:  186. Kayla gets a Boyfriend

110. I Spy. . . something Poly! In defense of Millennials!

spy

Haven’t posted in a while.  Busier than usual days and evenings.  I tend to write a bit here and there and once complete, I post it.  Things have been happening so fast around here that before I finish what I think is something worth sharing, there is something new that tops it that I am anxious to share.  I have many half-written posts!   I am going to go back and finish each one and post them as soon as possible in order to catch you up on the various happenings in Mi Casa de Domestic Discipline.

This post isn’t really a story – just a general observation, actually, a bias of mine, and about our decision to “come out” a bit about our dynamic.  Yeah, that sounds like big news, but frankly, it doesn’t seem that big of deal to me anymore.  More on that later, but first, my general observation – which does tie into my “coming out” story.

MILLENNIALS
I know my feelings about this topic will not apply to all who fit this “label,” but, I think it is a fair generalization, to the extent that generalizations can be fair.  I am sure some of you would disagree with my assessment and I realize that the personal experiences that shaped my views on this may not jive with your experience.   Anyways, enough disclaimers!  What I am talking about is Millennials.  Those are the “kids” that are roughly aged 13-30, depending on what definition you find.   I must admit, I adore and envy Millennials, and my relationship with Kayla just deepens those feelings.

Millennials are often chided as a “special” generation, for thinking they are so “special” or entitled.  I think their proclivity for wanting to be special is misunderstood.  We all want that feeling.  Their “special” isn’t about self-indulgence to excess (that was for the adults of the 1980’s).  Instead, to me most Millennials seem to be more about a willingness to take on a journey of self-actualization.  Or better yet, not just a willingness, but an expectation that others will allow them to take that journey.  Such a journey is not about self-indulgence.  It is about self-discovery – a yearning to discover one’s full potential. Unlike other generations, the Millennials seem more willing to take on that journey and not judge their peers who also take on that journey.

They also seem more inclined to feel special through helping others, not necessarily in helping themselves.  I find Millennials are more open to new experiences and different ideas and are less likely to judge those that come with different ideas forged from different life experiences.   They embrace differences as an opportunity to learn and grow.   They also don’t accept conformity for conformity’s sake.   In the workplace they don’t accept “we’ve always done it that way,” — which sometimes make for a difficult employee!  In the household they don’t accept, “but the family has always done that/believed that/expected that.” — which for some households that can make for a difficult child!  The Millennial want to know why, and if the “why” isn’t meaningful, then they are quick to dismiss that action/belief/expectation.   I find my thinking is more aligned with that generation than with my own generation.

I don’t believe my yet to be born grand-kids or great-grand-kids should live any part of their life out of a sense of tradition or obligation to me or my ancestors.  What a terrible way for them to live.  I don’t care if they prepare the same foods I prepare, celebrate the same holidays I celebrate, or believe the same things I believe.  I want them to embrace whatever opportunities and experiences are available to them during their time on this earth, unencumbered by my beliefs or expectations.  Let them find the food, holidays, and beliefs that suit them, not me!

Okay, enough of that rant.

I SPY POLYAMORY
Kayla had a few friends over that we had the opportunity to meet.  There was maybe a fifteen or twenty-minute conversation with them before they left for the event they were all going to with Kayla.   But in that time some of them were able to sense there was something different with the dynamic going on in the house.   Although we didn’t do anything that would be obvious, some of them pegged us for having some sort of deeper relationship with Kayla than her just being a tenant.  (“Peg” as in “identify” or “figured out” and not in the kink use of the term.  Just wanted to be clear for all you warped minds out there!).

It goes back to something I shared in a prior post – actually several I think.  That is, your mind is more readily able to identify the things to which it is open.  When you are open to more differences, call it, more “colors of the rainbow,” then you suddenly are able to recognize those colors are present.  I think this enabled some of her friends to quickly pick up on some subtle signs between how Mike, Kayla, and I interacted and in turn, identify what those subtle signs meant.

After Kayla left with her friends and they were out on their afternoon together, one of her friends said, “So, how long have you been sleeping with the H’s?”  Kayla did her best to deny it, but she knew they weren’t buying it.  Suffice to say, now some of Kayla’s friends know there is a three-way dynamic going on with Kayla and us.  Most of them define it as Kayla being in a polyamorous relationship with an older married couple.  They didn’t seem to connect the dots re D/s relationship, but they were attuned enough to at least connect that there was something sexual going on.   Although Kayla never outright confirmed it with them, it was clear they knew.

Kayla told us what happened and we talked about how she should handle further inquiry from them.  We asked her to just remain coy.  Let their imagination fill in any blanks, and don’t overly deny anything while also not confirming anything.

Kayla said one of her friends brought it up again to her and Kayla basically told her, “So what if there is?  If there is, do you think the three of us would want everyone to know?   And if there isn’t, then do you think we want people thinking that there is?”    She said her friend said something to the effect, “I don’t care either way, I was just curious.   Fine if you are, fine if you aren’t.  And apparently you are and you don’t want to talk about it.  Cool with me.”   To that Kayla said, “Fine, then, that’s settled,” to which they replied, “but aren’t they kinda old for you?”  Kayla said that her friend’s follow up questions were only about the age difference.  No questions about how could she partake in such a relationship – no, the fascination from her friends isn’t about why she is basically in a Triad with a married couple.  Nope.  That doesn’t seem too remarkable to her friends.   But the age difference – oh, that was remarkable.

So, now some of Kayla’s friends basically know there is something more to our relationship with Kayla and we okay with that.  We have reached a point that while we don’t want to advertise our sexual proclivities, we aren’t opposed to people knowing or suspecting things.

I was curious about what it was that her friends saw such that their minds leaped to such a far-out conclusion?  Kayla came back and reported this – Their first clue was whenever they talked to Kayla about her living with us.  They said there was this spark in Kayla’s eyes and tone in her voice that made her appear bit giddy to just talk about us.   The second clue was when Mike and I were in the living room talking to her friends, waiting for Kayla to finish getting ready for their afternoon out.  They said the demeanor of both Mike and I changed when Kayla walked into the room.  They said they couldn’t exactly explain it, but our eyes perked up and the tone in our voice changed when we talked to Kayla.  When we said goodbye to them as they left for their event, they said the way we said goodbye to her seemed to be different.  They couldn’t exactly describe what it was, but it just felt different and two of the three of her friends picked up on this.

I am sure those same “signals” are there when we are with other people, but it was only this group – this group of millennials – that were able to read the signals.  OR – it could be others read it but would be too embarrassed to ask.   Either way, this group not only read the signals, but thought nothing of asking Kayla about it.  I find this very interesting.

I asked John and Donna if they sensed anything like that between Mike, Kayla, and me.  They said no, but, since they know what is going on, perhaps it is harder to see those “signals.”

LETTING OTHERS KNOW?
This experience fed a growing interest in me to reveal to my sisters my DD lifestyle and our relationship with Kayla.  We are very close and share all sorts of things, and I have always felt a bit guilty for not sharing this with them.  I don’t need their acceptance but I do value their input, even if critical.  Also, I was now curious to know if they suspected anything.  I talked with Mike and he agreed that I could do so.

In the past year I had shared with my sisters that Mike and I have adjusted our relationship such that I decided to turn over more decisions to him and I actually used the term “be a more submissive housewife.”  They know I put a lot of energy into my son’s needs and that I’ve always been a bit of a control freak, so they accepted that I was in need of a break.   I did not try to dispel their view that they saw this as more about Mike stepping up and taking more responsibilities than they saw it as me stepping down and being submissive.  I certainly didn’t share with them that I am spanked or punished in any way.

For a bit more context about my relationship with my sisters – we probably share more than typical sisters share.  We all probably know more about each other’s sex life than we should, and they know about my “bisexual experiences” (as they call it) with Amy. (as shared in Post 73 Pube Shaving Party, 64 Strip Quarters, and 62. Sexual Adventures of a Pre-DD Jenny).    And I know about some of their more “out there” sexual experiences – but DD and my relationship with Kayla would top them all as being the most “out there.”

Anyway, I plan to tell them. Not sure when – it’s not like I am going to call them and say, “Guess what…”  I’d like to tell them together and figure the best time will be the next time the three of us sisters have a lunch together.  I’ll try to schedule one with them soon.

So, there you have it.  We’ve been “outed” a bit by some of Kayla’s friends, and we are going to out ourselves a bit to my sisters.   This reflects a growing comfort and respect I have for our lifestyle.  I know this lifestyle is not one that most people would choose, nor that most people could handle, but it works well for us.

While we want to continue being discreet and we won’t outwardly proclaim or display our lifestyle with all but a select few, we also won’t’ go out of our way to deny it to those that ask or suspect something.  I am not ashamed of my submission or of our relationship with Kayla. We have even thought through how to handle this news with our three children, if it comes to that.  No plans to share, but we will be ready if necessary.  But hey, they are all Millennials, so they can handle it, right?  Ha!  I know it is way different when the subject is your parents and not your peers. Can you say, “Therapy!”

NEXT 111.  DD Jenny Style vs. Kayla Style

 

90. Delightfully naughty – Mike’s date night with Donna

naught

If you are a regular reader I hope you aren’t getting tired of hearing about Donna.  John returns home this weekend so things should get a bit back to “normal” (if you want to call anything about my life “normal”).   I do have some Kayla updates, perhaps my next post?  Until then . . .

I wrote this last night but ran out of time due to my “curfew” so I am posting it now.

Strange(love).
Mike wanted to see the movie Doctor Strange but he knows that type of movie doesn’t appeal to me. So today he said he and Donna were going to go see it tonight.  She loves all the Marvel movies.

Convention says I should be jealous.  Given I am no stranger to jealousy, it should be a no-brainer that it would rear its’ ugly head – but it did not.  I really am not a jealous person, with the glaring exception of what I’ve already addressed in my recent posts.

I was actually excited – very excited. Surprisingly extremely excited.  Like, way more excited than I could have ever imagined, and more excited than Mike or Donna was.  I proclaimed to both of them, “Awesome, a date night for the two of you!”

They both dismissed my proclamation of it being a “date” and said it was just a movie.   I told them they should play it up as a date – go to dinner too.  Make an evening of it. I even told them they should go over to her house afterwards for a nightcap (sex).  They thought I was being facetious.  I assured them I wasn’t.  I was genuinely excited for them.  Just the thoughts of it made me warm and tingley inside.   The whole idea was erotic to me.

They both looked at each other and I could tell that my encouragement was causing them to warm up to the idea of considering it a date.  Donna felt compelled to ask John if it was okay, even though he already told us all that with few exceptions, Mike had carte blanche regarding dictating Donna’s activities.  None-the-less, this seemed more intimate (as if sex isn’t intimate but dinner and a movie is?).  John was good with it.

Mike and Donna were still downplaying it but I was hyped up like a kid in a candy store.  I wanted them to have a real “couples” date.  I told them they should hold hands while they are out and present themselves as a couple.  So what if someone we know sees them.  It’s all part of the naughtiness and fun.

I never contemplated a date night for them.  While I am not surprised that I am okay with it, I am surprised how excited it made me.   Literally got that special tingle in my tummy and in my nether-regions at just the thought of the two of them enjoying the company of the other in a date-like setting.  I liked the idea of Mike getting time with Donna in such a setting.  Donna is my best friend and while obviously they know each other, having that informal one-on-one time is an opportunity to know each other in a different way.   The thought of them having a closer friendship excites me.

With my encouragement they added dinner to their plans.  I even cajoled Donna to go home and shower and dress up a bit and wait for Mike to pick her up.  I asked Mike to shave and wear something nice too.  I convinced them to go to a nice couples-oriented restaurant versus something that is more family fare.  I told Mike that just thinking about them holding hands or exchanging a “peck” in public or doing anything couple-like was making me wet.  And knowing their date could end with their “night cap,” – oh my, I told them that just the thought of it was making me want to touch myself.  It sure got my juices flowing.

Mike gave me an order regarding what I must do while they were out.  I can not stay up waiting on them.  I am to journal and do my blog if I wish, then put on some nice music, light some candles, and take a long nice bath.  Then, get into bed and I am NOT to masturbate (oh no, I am so ready to do that!).   He wants me in bed with lights out no later than 9:15.  He expects to be home by one or so and would wake me when they got home. He said only then can I masturbate while they watch me.

OMG!  I am already wanting to get my hands in my pants just thinking about their night out.  Then, having such a relaxing evening will just increase my libido even more.  Then, knowing I will get to put on a show for them gives one more exciting thing to anticipate.  I can’t wait!     Well, it’s getting close to bed time and I need to take my bath.  Then it is lights out – and hands out (of my panties).  Oh wait, I don’t wear panties to bed.  So technically, it is hands off, not hands out – at least until they get home!

This is all so delightfully naughty!

NEXT: 91. Undressing Kayla

79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealousy, Guilt

jealous

I am very anxious. I need to purge my emotions, so apologize in advance if this becomes a rant. I don’t think I am saying anything I haven’t shared with Mike and Kayla, but perhaps some new or more constructive ways to express my feelings will emerge.  This is a continuation of what I’ve shared in this post and this post, and in this post as well.  Sorry to have to share as the events unfold, but it sure is great therapy to write this.

This whole thing with Kayla has me all out of sorts and I can’t put my mind to just about anything for more than a few seconds without it drifting back to our situation with Kayla. I already talked about the risks that concern me, such as the increased need to practice safe sex, the implications of Kayla being someone who our son is close to, and my motherly instincts being more prevalent when I interact with Kayla and thus makes it harder for my mind to see her in a certain way. In addition, my concern that her neediness may cause problems.

What if we pursued something?
Putting everything aside that I previously stated, the other issues are that if we did pursue a sexual relationship, what exactly would that entail?   F*ck-buddies?  Would she partake as a submissive?  It sure seems to be leaning toward the latter…and submissive to just Mike, or perhaps to me as well?  What would that be like?   These are all questions I’ve posed and the three of us have discussed. And here is where we stand.

F-buddies?
I only use this term because Kayla had used it to describe her relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend. Kayla said that she does not want that for the three of us, that we mean so much more to her and that it is so much deeper than just a physical interaction. She talked of saying she would end the sex with her best friend if we all pursued a relationship. She even used the term, “I love you guys.”   And of course, we love her, she knows that, and we said so.   While that could be a good thing, to me, it is part of my struggle.   The situation could set her up for disappointment or hurt later on. I can only imagine what being “the third wheel” could be like and beyond disappointment and hurt, it could build resentment on her part.   Bottom line, it could turn our great relationship into an unhealthy one for her. That has implications for all of us.

And, just what kind of relationship would this be?   I guess it could be called poly, which I’ve never really considered. I have no qualms with that term, but, is that what this would be? Kayla uses the term “relationship” so there seems to be a certain level to commitment she is willing to make, but are we?

Her as a submissive?
When I think about this I actually feel two feelings that rarely surface in me. I feel a level of resentment with a dash of jealousy.   I am not a jealous person by nature, it is very un-me! I don’t like it. Here’s what’s going through my mind.

Waves of Resentment.

  • I work hard on my submissiveness, she may not take it as seriously as I do. She may not be committed to it as I am. She may look at it as simply a game.   I resent all of that.
  • What rules would she have? Same as me? Different? If different, are they less/more restrictive than mine? If she can do something without punishment but I can’t, well, that’s just messed up. Who does she think she is? I resent that.
  • Would she also be accountable to me? I like that, but we would have figure out how that works as ultimately I do want Mike to be the ultimate authority figure and I want to be fair with Kayla. However, I like the idea that there is something to remind Kayla that despite her participation, she is not my peer. If she thinks of me as a peer, I resent that!
  • Her level of commitment could never be consistent just due to lifestyle. She lives with her mom and goes to school. What, she comes over now and then when she chooses?   It makes it seem more like a game for her and not a lifestyle. Again, I take my commitment seriously and she will just be unable to do the same, even if she wanted to. I resent that!

Add in some Guilt.
Then I begin feeling guilty. Why wasn’t my first response to Kayla not one of compassion but instead a series of assessments as to her “fitness” to be with us?  See, the resentment is already manifesting itself in unhealthy ways as it poisons my empathy and compassion.

I shared just about everything I’ve written here with her, and of course, it did make her sad and she cried.  Not a full on cry, but teary eyed and emotional.  I know it wasn’t just in what I said, but in the manner in which I said it.  I know my tone was somewhat biting.  I apologized for my tone and tried to explain that it is not about a deficiency in her, it is about the realities of where she is at in life compared to ours and that despite our mutual love and respect, it just may be incompatible to the type of relationship we are considering.

All of my concerns are just as much about my own baggage and needs as it is about hers.   Ug, that sounded a bit like, “it’s not you, it’s me.”   But I want her to know I don’t see her as unworthy.

Dash of Insecurity?
I also have concerns about priorities. Will Kayla be a high enough priority for Mike and I that we do right by her, and will we be a high enough priority that she does right by us?  In other words, do we end up just considering each other as “available options” or is the relationship to be more meaningful than that. Not that whatever we have can’t be casual if that is what we decide, or that it can’t be more meaningful if that is what we decide, but each route has implications.

We all are works in progress to some degree, but Kayla, given her age and background is just more so.  I also am aware that whatever issues a person has they bring to any relationship. That’s a given and by itself not necessarily a problem.  But it can become one if that person is not willing to work on their own issues or allow help from their partners.   So far Kayla has impressed me with her own self-awareness of her needs, her strengths, and her weaknesses.  Including her willingness to seek advice and guidance and be open to constructive feedback.  That’s a plus, but apparently not enough to eliminate my concerns.

While I have been very impressed with Kayla’s reaction and responses, it has not lessened my anxiety about all these things. Yes, she has some needs, but don’t we all. She’s loving, caring, and self-aware, has some abandonment type issues with her parents but recognizes that and does not shy away from it. I can see that this could be fun and could be meaningful. But, my life is so good right now, and has already moved pretty fast in just the last 18 months. None of the positives I see with Kayla are enough to reduce my anxiety, resentment, and jealously, nor reduce my guilt for feeling anxious, resentment, and jealous.  And then we have the concerns I first expressed in my other posts.  Concerns about complicating my life and the fact Kayla is someone special to my son.

All these bad feelings.
 
Sum it all up and another significant roadblock is whether or not we could ever have an arrangement where I don’t feel these negative feelings.  I don’t want to feel these things but that doesn’t change the fact that right now I do.  I know these feeling would end up manifesting themselves in various unhealthy ways. Unhealthy for me, my relationship with Mike, and for Kayla.   If I can’t get past these feelings, we just can’t move forward.

Mike and Kayla both seem to be outpacing me on this issue. While they are not dismissive of my concerns, they feel more carefree about just diving in, living life, and what happens will happen. I have reiterated with Mike that I stand by my commitments to him and will abide by anything he decides.

Where we are today
Mike said we should having a “cooling off” period so we all can reflect and continue to discuss our feelings.  That makes me happy and does reduce my anxiety a bit.  Mike set a date of November 15, where he said no decisions should be made before then. We’ll reassess on that date and he may decide we continue to wait or not, assuming Kayla is aboard with what he decides – which apparently she is.

One question I posed to Kayla that she has not been able to fully articulate is how she sees this dynamic working in her mind. What does she see as the ideal situation for her?   She has shared bits and pieces but hasn’t thought it through enough, so I am hopeful some additional time will allow her to understand and share her own needs and expectations better.   I hope that for myself as well.

Next:  80.  Breakthrough.  What a Week!