238. Mystery Blogger Award

It’s been more than a week since my last post.  Sort of self-imposed social media exile – not on purpose – but I simply was giving my blog and other social media a low priority lately.   The upside is I have several things from which to choose that I can share.  But before I do, I am overdue for accepting and passing forward a Mystery Blogger nomination from Naughty Nora.   

Thank you, Nora, and thank you for following me since just about the beginning, and providing your frequent comments to my posts.  You’re #1 in commenting on my posts with 115!

This award was Created by Okoto Enigma to highlight blogs that may be less well-known.

RULES

• Put the award logo/image on your blog.   Easy! Done!
• List the rules.   Well, you’re reading them!
• Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.  Done and done!
• Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.   Nailed it!
• Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.   Keep reading.
• Answer the questions you were asked.   Will do!
• You have to nominate 10 people. Wa? Huh? Er?  I don’t think I’ll do 10.  So, does that mean the MBA committee will revoke my nomination?  It’s a chance I’ll have to take.
• Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.  Okay.
• Ask your nominees any five questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question.  As if I have to be prompted to be weird!

THREE THINGS ABOUT ME
For someone with a ridiculously long About Me section, I can only give 3 things?  Okay,  how about something different?  Here’s three “philosophies” that reveal big parts of me:

1. The older I get, the more I understand that it is not only okay to live a life others don’t understand, but finding the confidence to do so is extremely self affirming, rewarding, and fulfilling. (Confidence in revealing yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable = amazing feelings).
2. An unimaginable array of pleasure and oneness awaits us when we let go of inhibitions, tune into our bodies, trust our partners (be vulnerable to them!), and broaden our ideas about love, compassion, and sex. (Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to your partner).
3. There is an amazing power in being present and mindful.  Sort of zen-thing, and it is about letting go of intentions and no longer mortgaging the present for the elusive promise of the future.  (stuff I shared back in Post 30. I Found my Thrill).

And while perhaps this violates the “rules” as it technically would be a fourth thing, these philosophies were only revealed to me and embraced by me with the advent of my DD three years ago.  These philosophies were foreign to the pre-DD Jenny.

Funny, but Mike, Kayla, and I happen to watch “Yes Man” yesterday as it was on HBO.   Mike and I both saw it years ago (pre-DD).  Watching it now, I really related to the premise of the movie, as my life since adopting DD has been a lot like simply saying “yes” and embracing what life has to offer.

QUESTIONS I WAS ASKED BY NAUGHTY NORA

1. What would you say is your most endearing quality?
   Ability to empathize.  I think this ability is also something I seek out in those that I surround myself with.  I believe this is why I have a lot of friends that, on the surface don’t share a lot in common with me (political views, religious views, social views, kinks, various likes and dislikes) yet we find friendship via the mutual respect and fun we have when we get together.   Oh, also, I have to mention my endearing quality to be succinct and always follow the rules.  Not!!
2. What is something about yourself you’d like to change/improve?
   I would like to be more present (See #3 in the About me section above).   I have made huge strides in this.  Unimaginable strides when I look back at it.  But it continues to be a work in progress.  I have come to realize it is the bedrock of what my DD is about. 
3. If your house was burning down and you only had time to grab one material possession (let’s assume your entire family & pets are already safely out), what would you save?
   Large box of my family photos that include all my childhood family photos
4. What is something that makes you feel nostalgic?
   Looking through my large box of family photos that include from my childhood.
5. Favorite dessert?
   Whipped cream, if I get to lick it off off… ahem.  Uh, keep it clean Jen.  Pumpkin pie, yes, definitely, pumpkin pie.  And no, pumpkin is not a nickname for Kayla. Oh well, so much for keeping it clean.  

MY NOMINATIONS
So Nora and I follow and comment on a lot of the same blogs, so I won’t replicate any of her nominations.  So if she nominated you, please understand I am not over looking your continued support of my blog.

melwoodblog: a true mystery as he has yet to share via his blog — but from a few emails we have exchanged, it is clear he has lots of interesting and entertaining insights.

jadescastle:  I’ve been reading her blog ever since I started mine.  Very open and revealing insights into her journey. 

kdaddy23’s: I haven’t come across blogs from a bisexual male other than his.  Different perspective, different issues and challenges, all addressed in a very open and honest manner.  

The Indecisive Writer:  Great accounts of various kinky fuckery!

QUESTIONS FOR MY NOMINEES

1. When you last sang to yourself (or hummed, if you aren’t the singing type), what song was it?  Give details, the name of the song, the artist who recorded it (if you know), and what feeling it evoked in you.

2. Name three things you and your partner have in common.  If not currently in a relationship, then what about with your last partner? 

3. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

4. What is your most treasured memory?
5. What would be the coolest animal to scale up to the size of a horse?
   

That’s it! 

Next: 239. Filters: As you sow, so shall you reap

189. Happiness, Pleasure, Love, Intimacy, Sex: Jenny rambles

Don’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness or pleasure.

This has been my personal credo without really knowing it.  While I may not have always consistently lived it,  I believe Mike and I have been successful in instilling this in our children.  I believe it comes from my mom’s credo of “Love Life, Every Moment, Every Day.”  But it was Kayla that helped me fully connect to my version of that.  As my mom passed her credo on to me, I have passed my version of it on to my kids.  And, in less than a year, Kayla has come to not only understand it, but to believe in it and incorporate it into her being.  The impact has been significant.

I started this post with the intent of talking about my views on sex.  As I wrote, it morphed into something else.  So, there are two parts to this post.  The first half is a bit of a ramble inspired by the second half, which is where I finally get to my intended topic.

Oh, this is a bit of a divergence from the Kayla-Michaud saga.  I do have a little update to share on that.  But that will be for another post.   

NEW KAYLA
Gone is insecurity.  Gone is harmful behaviors.  Gone is anxiety, especially around groups.  Gone is bottled up emotions.  Gone is indecisiveness.  The list goes on.  It’s been quite a transformation in the last ten months.  And she looks more healthy.  Her body language and general “glow” about her personifies her new found positive energy.

From her manifesto, to how she has handled every aspect of our relationship over the last ten months, to how she is handling Michaud thus far — Simply put, she has found herself and is pleased with what she has found.

She deserves the credit as she forced herself to open up.  She accepted significant changes in her environment.  She allowed her perceptions about life and herself to be challenged (that is extremely difficult for anyone!).  Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable requires a lot of strength.   There’s that “vulnerability” thing again.  I seem to write a lot about its’ power (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 to name a few).

I believe I’ve come to realize that vulnerability is the path to taking responsibility for your happiness and pleasure.  Vulnerability is about opening up your complete and true self and then taking responsibility for your complete and true self.  In so doing, you allow your complete and true self to be your core source of happiness and pleasure. 

ISN’T IT IRONIC?
A bit of irony with this creed is that if it is not already instilled within you, it may require the help of someone else to help you fully live it, as it did for Kayla.  I believe some of you may say, “But Jenny, the irony doesn’t end there.  Isn’t Domestic Discipline all about giving up responsibility of yourself to your husband?”

My unequivocal answer is, “NO! Not even close.”

Pre-DD I thought I was living both this creed and my mother’s.  While I guess I was to some degree, I was inconsistent and failed to realize something extremely important to living this creed.  Simply, the creed applies to others as well.  I am not responsible for OTHER’s happiness and pleasure.   It wasn’t until I embraced DD that I truly was focused on my happiness and pleasure first.  

My DD was about taking responsibility for all the things that got in the way of my happiness and pleasure.  More specifically, my behaviors and thinking (i.e. my “intentions”) were the source of my unhappiness. (Post 30. I Found my Thrill is all about that).

In Domestic Discipline, we codify our behaviors and thinking under headings like Honesty, Obedience, and Safety.  And we refer to violations of these things as being “Disobedient.”  We then take responsibility for those violations through what we call “Discipline.”  We allow someone to administer that Discipline.  The disciplinarian is not responsible for our actions and happiness.  

For as much as I have been referring to our “3.0 DD” as no longer being “mine,” I now realize it is still totally mine.  I am responsible for it.  Mike in many ways is simply the administrator of it.  That is not to diminish the importance of his role.  It simply recognizes that ultimately, it is still DD, Jenny Style.

Okay.  I didn’t intend to go that route with this post, but it was a nice realization for me and it connects things full circle back to vulnerability and letting go of my intentions (which I touch on in all those posts I’ve linked to throughout the post thus far).

Now then, I intended to share how this creed ties into my views on sex.  So, let’s talk about sex!

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Mike, Kayla, and I talk about sex with the casualness typically reserved for talking about the weather or what to have for dinner.  We were having one of these conversations in the context of Kayla’s impending coitus with Michaud.  I thought my take on things might be of interest.

This is a bit disjointed as these were snippets of thoughts I had throughout the conversation, which was too lengthy (and boring) to share in full.  But, I think it conveys some of my “major talking points.”  Ha.

Here it comes again.  It starts will vulnerability!  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to truthfully and completely talk about sex.  I believe people who openly and honestly engage in a discussion about the physical feelings of sex along with the issues of both intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to have a thriving and fulfilling sex life.  It takes a lot of vulnerability to have such a discussion.

In my opinion, an otherwise healthy relationship can be a healthy sexual relationship if you recognize that love, intimacy, and sex can go hand in hand, but doesn’t have to.  If we expect them to all be one and the same, we’re likely to be unhappy and likely to make our partner unhappy.  Recognizing that can help solve a lot of problems both in and outside of our relationships.

If we come to relationships understanding that great love doesn’t always equate to great sex — and — that sex isn’t an automatic by-product of intimacy —  and — love can exist beautifully with or without intimacy or with or without sex or particular sexual acts — and — sex can exist beautifully with or without love — and — making love, intimacy, and sex all work together takes some effort, and such effort should always be enjoyable, enlightening and engaging — and— here it comes, We are Solely Responsible for our Own Happiness and Pleasure. . . including happiness and pleasure from sex, love, and intimacy  — if we do all of that, then, I believe we can have a sex life full of true happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment.

MANAGING ISN’T INSTIGATING
I believe many people never buy into that, especially women.  Instead, many people simply manage their happiness, manage their pleasure, manage their sex, love, and intimacy.  They work within unspoken assumptions that they have and that they misinterpret (but never question).  Those can be assumptions about themselves, or about their partner.  They never venture outside these assumptions.  They never test or even speak about those assumptions.  The thought of open dialogue about such things creates a vulnerability that is too great to imagine. Thus, you continue to just get along and manage instead of engaging and growing.

INSTIGATING MY HAPPINESS
That’s where I was pre-DD.  I assumed I was “loving life, every moment every day.”  But as soon as I woke up and realized I wasn’t truly fulfilled, I immediately responded with my own creed.   I took responsibility for my happiness and pleasure. . . . as well as sex, intimacy, and love.  And in my first step towards “waking up” I had to become vulnerable to myself.  I explored my thoughts and challenged my assumptions about happiness and pleasure.  I then made myself vulnerable to Mike and explored and challenged those things with him.

Taking responsibility forces you to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  I became the instigator of my happiness.  I “forced” Mike and I to address things we never addressed before.  We talked about what happiness was for us, what pleasure was for us (both sexual and otherwise).  We freed ourselves to share and act on many thoughts and desires.  In doing so I instigated our growth, our evolution, our intimacy, and our sexual adventure.

MY ADVICE
Become the instigator of your happiness, of your love, of your pleasure.  Again, not saying you do that through DD or any kink. That’s where it led me and it’s worked wonders, but I am sure it leads to many different paths that have a common theme — fulfillment and joy in life!

Okay, enough of my rambles. I’ve got a cute story to share re Kayla and Michaud.  Next post!

NEXT: 190. Web Cam Virgin

 

 

67. An Esoteric Ramble

The esoteric stuff – Continued from my prior post.

As I stared in the corner I reflected, not on the specific punishment, but on how my DD has evolved.  I continue to be amazed at the fact I enjoy this so much.  Not the spankings themselves – although they do have their element of pleasure along with the pain, whose mix will vary from spanking to spanking.  No, it isn’t the spankings themselves that have me amazed with myself.  So what it is?

I’ve shared before all the different words that submission means to me, such as in my Doctrine of Submission post, or Submission = Transparency = Love.   But a new word came to mind that I hadn’t considered before.  That word is vulnerability.

I enjoy being vulnerable.

Enjoying vulnerability is counter-culture.  We aren’t condition to enjoy that, even when we confine that vulnerability to our spouses or a small circle of friends.   We all make ourselves vulnerable to those around us, but the level at which we do it is often highly restricted.

When I allowed myself to become vulnerable through DD, I dropped the persona that I was clinging to.  Once the facade dropped, I became more authentic.  Not to just those around me, but to myself.  And the vulnerability is not just for the specific moments I am being punished or I am naked, or any specific thing related to our DD.  The vulnerability becomes a mindset.  It is always there in a positive way.  Similar to what I talked about in I Found My Thrill. 

I believe people around me can sense the authenticity.  When you are around someone who is authentic, you can’t always put your finger on it but you just sense something different.  You find them to be more approachable and you naturally reciprocate authenticity because they are more real.   People are comforted by authenticity.  I am guessing that is why it is common for someone who is fearful of public speaking to be given the suggestion that they envision their audience naked.

In reality, even if you are fake you are going to be vulnerable to your fakeness, but that doesn’t hurt the ego much because, well, because it was fake and not the real you.  It takes a lot of self-confidence to let the real you be vulnerable and thus subjecting the real you to various cheap shots.   And who better to be self-confident with and to show complete vulnerability to than your spouse?

I love being vulnerable to and around Mike.  I trust he will not misuse my vulnerability and it has led to him being a lot more vulnerable to me.  The net impact is that our relationship is closer and more intensely loving and passionate than I could have previously imagined.    Mike is worthy of my vulnerability.

My advice to everyone who is in a loving relationship is to become more vulnerable to your loved ones. I don’t mean write yourself a DD contract and hand it to them.   It can be far simpler than that – just sharing your thoughts and opinions, your likes and dislikes – about mundane things or erotic things, or about your fears or obsessions.   If the thought of that is too scary, perhaps they haven’t earned that level of trust from you.  If that is the case, perhaps you need to work on why that is.

If they aren’t worthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps they aren’t worthy of you.

NEXT:  68.  To fall in love, do this. . .