317. Contrast on a theme of sexual aesthetics

Look at me!  Two posts in two days!

Not sure why I chose this image.  I believe the ridiculousness of it spoke to me and summed up a theme of this post.  “To each their own” as it pertains to what turns you on, even if it is a clown in a bathroom with a pretty woman and massive stacks of Benjamins.   Now that’s a unique fetish!

This post is a bit weird, but I am in a weird mood.

TURN IT TO 11
Full disclosure — All 11 of us have yet to get together at the same time.  There always seems to be a couple or two that can’t make it on any particular gathering, but I am sure it will happen at some point.   Hey, football season is right around the corner! 

Speaking of sex, we actually have dialed down our sex lives a tad.  It’s definitely been at 11 since about the start of this year (not as in 11 people, but as, dialed up to 11.  Just click the “been at 11” link).  Maybe that’s why I haven’t been posting as much.  I am exhausted.  hee-hee.   We’ve explored some new sexual terrain in the last five months.   We played with some other couples that we met at a swingers club.

It was interesting and different than some of the FetLife connections we made in the past.   While I am sure our experiences are unique to the specific groups of people with whom we met, I wonder if our observations could be consistently applied across the board?   I hate labels as they are always incomplete and full of exceptions.  But they do help ground us and convey what we are thinking.   So here it goes.

TO FET OR TO SWING? THAT IS THE QUESTION
I think Tofet Ortoswing would be a cool name of a character.  What nationality does that sound most like?   Is that a male name or female?   I digress.

We felt the swingers club was a more sophisticated and conservative group.  I don’t mean that in a political sense, although come to think of it, that could be a part of it.  It felt a bit more upscale, sophisticated, and at times, even fake.   Whereas FetLife functions were more blue-collar, more casual, more real.

I guess women in cupless leather bustiers and men with no underwear and crotchless pants lend themselves to a more raw aesthetic than women in a dress with a hint of cleavage and men in kakis and a blazer.

Maybe fake is a bit too harsh of a word.  I struggle to articulate it.  There was nothing fake about the sex and swapping.  Subdued?  A bit methodical, bordering on play-acting or pretending?   A bit more rehearsed!  Yes, that’s getting closer to describing it.  The Swing club seemed to have unspoke protocols that no one could articulate, but everyone knew existed.  A level of politeness and formality.    That’s it!  Subdued, polite, formal. 

Contrast that with our FetLife gatherings.  Spontaneous, authentic, and free-flowing.   No rules other than respect everyone’s likes and dislikes and the way you found out what they liked or didn’t like is this trick called “asking.”  You just put it all out there, nothing is unspoken.  Sharing what’s on your mind can come across noisy, impolite, and informal.

RESPECT!
I respect both vibes and enjoyed both of them.  It makes sense that they would be different.

Just think about what draws people to each of those scenes.   FetLife is simply more fetish related.  After all, it is Fetlife.   And the ranges of fetishes are immense and very diverse.  Gatherings are about exploring and enjoying not just your particular fetish, but in observing all the other kinky shit that is out there.  It makes you feel normal and more confident about your fetishes because as we all know, everyone’s kink is disgusting, except your own.

Swingers tend to be more singularly focused on one fetish – swapping.  And the swapping seems to be more straight sex.   Missionary.  Doggie.  Oral.  Yes, exceptions exist, but that sums up about 90% of it.  The variable is mostly limited to whether you watch your partner or do you swing separately?   By the way, I am not complaining nor dissing the Swing-scene.  There is a huge thrill in swinging and we thoroughly enjoyed it.  I am just trying to articulate the differences all three of us felt.

Oh, and we were also a bit odd in that “we” were three.   It made us a bit of the “freaks” with the Swingers.  Not in an uncomfortable way, although I assume some people could have been made to feel uncomfortable with that vibe.  Not us.  We reveled in it.  And it led to a lot of fun!  A lot of wives and girlfriends playfully joking with their partners, “Hey, no fair, this swap is a two for one and I am just getting the one.”   Swapping humor!

TURN IT DOWN A NOTCH OR TWO, (BUT NOT THREE)
After several months at “11,” Mike called for us to cool it down a bit.  He felt we were getting a bit sex-crazed, and he was right.  It was feeling a bit like an addiction.

We were all looking forward to our next adventure, but that anticipation was more than just a craving, it was becoming a “can’t live without it” lusting.  While all three of us had it, Kayla really had it the worst, but none of us were immune.  Mike noticed a decrease in our level of tolerance for everyday things and towards each other.  We were all a bit more irritable and both mine and Kayla’s bottoms became clear evidence of the consequences of that irritability.

While perhaps it wasn’t related to a sex-seeking frenzy, once Mike said something about it, it resonated as true to all of us.  We recognized it and agreed we were becoming very focused on when our next play session would be with anyone other than our Circle of Trust (COT).   The result was Mike has put a moratorium on any activities outside our COT.

As evidence that perhaps we had gone a bit crazy, there was a bit of feeling of withdrawal.  A feeling of anxiety and insomnia where your mind thinks of the amazing sex you are missing.  Luckily, that could be quickly remedied by a convenient antidote.  We would just have amazing sex together!

PORN AS AN AID
What also helped us was more role play between the three of us.  I mentioned a few posts back that we got an account on bdsmlr.com.  The three of us use it by logging in and making comments on the pics or gifs – snarky ones, suggestive ones, playful ones, nasty ones, you name it.  Some of it based on reality, some of it fantasy.   A little playground for us to use our imagination and share dirty thoughts.   

We each try to log in each day to see what comments the other two have made and to add more of our own.   We are Funsome Threesome if you want to see what it’s all about.   I caution you, bdsmlr.com is a bit raw and crude.  Misogyny and patriarchy reign supreme on most accounts. 

I know some of you are saying, “Well isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”   While I disagree, I won’t argue the point.   I get it, my lifestyle and COT is definitely not *misandry and matriarchy.   Well, at least outside of Kim’s bedroom it’s not!  lol. 

  (*hint:  those are the opposites of misogyny and patriarchy.  The fact I had to look up the opposite of misogyny just shows you how misogynistic our culture is.   Most of us don’t even know the term for its opposite.  If you did know, that’s great.  You just earned five points for social awareness.  And what can you do with those 5 points?  You can now be subject to Christian-sharia law if you live in the South.  Wow, did I digress or what?)

Stay kinky!

Next: 318. Master Kayla. She no longer submits?

162. Domestic Discipline Sympatico?

I’ve written about my “unquestionable” acceptance of Mike’s authority.  It’s been a journey to achieve that level of acceptance, especially when it was never part of the original plan.  If you’ve read my early posts, you’ll know my DD started out as MY DD — my submission on my terms, Jenny style!

As our DD evolved and I encouraged Mike to use more and more discretion in creating rules and administering punishments, I would use our Maintenance Sessions as a time to discuss my observations, concerns, or need for clarification regarding his actions.  Such discussions helped synchronize our individual needs and expectations.  As our DD further evolved, I found myself with fewer and fewer concerns, and thus asking for less and less clarification.  It has reached a point where I truly have no reservations or concerns about his actions.  I accept them without question.

I like to think it is because Mike and I are so in sync with what he wants as my Dominant and what I need as his submissive.  I believe we achieved this because of the way we approached our DD and also because of our individual personalities.  We have achieved DD Simpatico.

In fairy tales, … okay, make that, in very kinky fairy tales, that would be the end of the story.  BUT….  This is real life!    Full of ups and downs, with needs and emotions that ebb and flow like the tide.  A tide that sometimes brings with it a hurricane or two.   

WATER, WATER, EVERYWHERE. . .
Mike has come up with a variety of rules that are all his own.  Mostly minor things and I accept them all without reservation.   About a week ago I mentioned I should start drinking more water and thus Mike obliged with a new rule for me – I can only drink water until he says otherwise.  No coffee, no soda, no tea.  Just water.   

I am not a huge coffee drinker — Most mornings will have a cup or two, but sometimes none.  I love my iced tea and sodas….certain foods just call for certain drinks.  Water, while good for me, is no fun!   But alas, as I wrote in my prior post and the preamble to this one, I have reached a point of unquestionable obedience to Mike.  Sympatico! 

DD ANTIPATICO?
Kayla and I were having lunch at a restaurant and I ordered water to drink and Kayla ordered iced tea.  I don’t know what it was but this strange feeling came over me.  Part frustration, part disgust, part indignation… can’t really put a finger on it, but whatever it was, it woke the rebel in me.  

I recall thinking, “I am a good submissive…heck, I am a great submissive.”  I even thought aloud as I told Kayla,  “A good submissive won’t question her Dom even when she may disagree.  A great submissive won’t even disagree, thus has nothing to question, and I’ve been a great submissive”

Now, before you object to that statement, let me clarify.  I said it as hyperbole in a moment of frustration.   Questioning your Dom in a respectful and orderly manner is not a weakness.  It is a strength to be commended.  But in that moment, I was clearly wanting to glorify my past performance as justification for my impending bad behavior.

As the waitress came to take my order I proudly added, “And I’ll have a tea to drink.”  I looked squarely at Kayla with a proud resolve.  Kayla said, “Is that a good idea?” to which I replied with a full sense of entitlement, “I don’t feel like having water. I am having tea.”
Kayla’s reaction was a nice, “Do you want to talk about it?”  I told her there was nothing to talk about.  I understood the implications of my actions and didn’t expect her to cover for me.  She reminded me several times before the tea arrived that I could change my order.  I did not.

I took a few sips of my tea and realized the satisfaction I got from ordering it did not carry over to actually drinking it.  It was very unsatisfying and I ended up not drinking any more of it and went back to water.  

TIME TO PAY THE PIPER
I told Kayla I would confess to Mike.  It wasn’t that I wanted to spare her from having to tattle, but that I knew I just needed to own up to it.

I told Mike once he got home from work.  He told me to undress and he had me stand in the corner with a bit gag on.  He said he would come back in after dinner and make periodic “adjustments” until J was asleep and he could fully deal with this.   He left the room, and told J that mom wasn’t feeling well and wasn’t going to be at dinner.

I remained calm as I stood in the corner for over an hour.  I was disappointed with myself but not upset in any way.  I reconciled it in my mind as this momentary “break” that served a purpose to release whatever negative energy had built up in me.  I no longer felt that energy, so it was hard for me to even relate to what it was I was feeling at the time.   I just know I needed to “erupt” and having done so, was feeling happy with things.   I didn’t think much about the punishment to come, as I felt whatever it was I deserved it and was already accepting of it in advance.

What followed were a series of “adjustments” as he would periodically return to the room.  A soaping here, a spanking there, butt plug, nipple suckers, nipple clamps, tack bra, you name it.  By the time J was asleep, Mike had pulled out most of the arsenal of stuff we own.   As I know you all seem to like to read about punishments, I’ll share the details of the punishment as best as I recall, but will do that in another post as it will be lengthy.   Just what you pervs like!

As for my post-analysis reflection, I’ll also save that for that next post.  As always, it’s all good, it’s all positive, it’s all sympatico!

NEXT:  163 Domestic Discipline Antipatico?

 

  

120. Is this submissive a feminist? (MAGA rant)

I mentioned that I revealed my Domestic Discipline lifestyle to my sisters. (Post 116. Revealing DD to my Sisters).  In further discussions, one of my sisters stated, “I thought you were a feminist, I guess not!”

I found this interesting on a two of levels.  One, I never identified as a feminist before, so why did she assume I did?  The other is that my thoughts on the equality of women are mutually exclusive from the choices I make for myself. 

My response
Just know my rants are not limited to my blog.  Nope.  I rant in real life and my sister’s statement got me on roll of a rant.  

I told her that I never thought of myself as a feminist, but also never disagreed with the basic premise of feminism.  I boil it down to simply the difference between right and wrong, just and unjust.  

I always feel I stood up against ideas that promote social inequality.  The empowerment of women is part of that, but no more or less important to me than the empowerment of all individuals.  None of us should have any human rights arbitrarily restricted from us because of age, gender, race, religion, economic status, sexual preference, sexual identity, kinks, etc.  And I also believe that those categories should not have the right to arbitrarily restrict the rights of those in any other category.  

I explained to sis that I have made decisions about how to live my life that are contrary to the meaning of empowerment.  I do so knowingly and willingly and for me, it is immensely rewarding and fulfilling in ways I have shared many times.  However, my decisions are about my role within our household.  I serve Mike, I submit to Mike, but I do not serve mankind and do not feel submissive toward anyone else.  

INVESTED IN HATE
I recognize that people are heavily invested in their discrimination – so much so that they are blind to its’ harm.   And let’s just call discrimination what it often is – hate!   People become so invested in their hate that they believe it is justified.  Their investment typically comes from being indoctrinated from birth…”My parents thought that way,”  “My community thought that way,” “My schools, religion, country, ancestors, etc., thought that way.”  “I taught my children to think that way.”   Yep, pretty invested.

Furthering that investment is the fact they join social circles, churches, or other organizations that resonate the same messages regarding their hate.  And even further, they only watch “news” organizations that do the same.  Yep, people get heavily invested in their hate. 

And they are so invested in their discrimination that it is not sufficient for them to just accept that their beliefs are right for them.  No, they are so insecure about the validity of their thinking that they do all they can do impose their thinking on others.  If they truly felt their way of thinking was so “right” and so “self-evident,” then why not allow that thinking to be scrutinized?  If they are correct, then that scrutiny would only lead to more people thinking as they do.  

Of course the thought of even entertaining scrutiny is very painful for them because they are so heavily invested.  “You are saying my parents were wrong?”  “You are saying my culture is wrong?”  “You are saying my religion is wrong?”  You are saying my political affiliation is wrong?”   They are so invested that they don’t allow themselves to ever question such things, so how could they possibly entertain questions from others?   To question is to doubt, and that doubt is just too painful to consider.  Hate is just easier.

And to go a step further, that “hate” is not always directed at others.  Sometimes it is directed at yourself, but we call that type of hate, “guilt.”  These same organizations that I previously mentioned are great at trying to instill guilt as a way to control. 

All of this is why, over the years, a democratic government tries to force people to not discriminate – to not hate!   By and large it works, as more people are exposed to other thinking, the “others” become more humanized to them.  Unfortunately, as more people divest themselves from the hate, the remaining haters have become even more desperate to cling on to their dehumanizing thinking.  They tend to wrap that thinking in their faith and in the flag.  Thus the current political environment in the U.S.   A decreasing population of “haters” who are ever more desperate to cling on to hate, to the point they will undermine democratic mechanisms to do so (voter suppression, gerrymandering, voter fraud/hacking, bribes, etc). 

POLITICAL HISTORY – DUMB SOUTHERNERS 
A political history side note – interesting that until the mid-1960’s, the U.S. political party that was socially progressive was the Republican party.  Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, etc.

 If you look at the social platform of the Republican party of the 1950’s, you’d swear you were looking at the Democratic platform from the 80’s through today.  Nixon converted the racist Dixiecrats to the GOP as those southern democrats were alienated by Kennedy’s progressive social stances, thus hate found a new home.  

What didn’t change was that the South continued to vote against its own self-interest.  Which is why the South has the highest divorce, murder, STD/HIV/Aids, teen pregnancy, single parent homes, infant mortality, and obesity rates, while having the poorest health care and lowest rates of high school graduation.  And don’t think it is the minorities.  The food stamp capital of the U.S. is white (Owsley County, Kentucky).  Oh, but all of this happens to be the “bible belt” so, at least they believe in the right God and at least they are focused on keeping trans kids in the “right” bathrooms.       

FEMINIST  HUMANIST
So, sis, no, I don’t specifically identify as a feminist, I identify as a humanist.  And of course that includes women, and I believe that gender should not grant someone special privilege, nor relegate someone to a lesser status in life.  

For me, I look at the choices adults get to make about their lives and if their decisions don’t restrict other people’s freedom, then fine by me.  While I have biases (we all do) I try to challenge them (when I recognize them).  And while I have a variety of personal beliefs that I promote (such as what DD has done for me), I am in a continued mode of self-reflection and inquiry.  This is all in attempt to ensure an honesty about my choices.  I welcome questions and doubts and concerns from others.

I also try to divest myself of negative stereotypes that my upbringing reinforced in me and that society continues to reinforce.  I think of it more like the color I choose to paint my house (it’s called Carriage House).  I like it, it works for me and my situation (works well with the bricks).  But I don’t expect other’s to choose it for themselves and I don’t feel offended if they don’t like my choice. I accept that just so long as they don’t act in a way to restrict my choice (homeowner association bylaws excluded, but hey, I made a choice to abide by those bylaws).  Unfortunately, in this analogy, there are too many people who, at best, want to keep someone down because of their choices, and at worst, want to kill those people because of their choices.      

And sis, while I have found beauty, fulfillment, growth, love, and peace in submitting to Mike, I have no expectations that others will embrace this lifestyle for themselves.  And while I find that same beauty, fulfillment, growth, love, and peace in my sexual explorations, again, I have no expectations that others would find the same.

I am proud and excited to say, “I can’t do that without checking with my husband.”  I am not okay with me or anyone saying, “You can’t do that without checking with your husband.”  So, sis, in simple terms, yes, I am a feminist, but I believe I am much more than that. 

Sis:  “Wow, Jenny, that was intense.  So, tell me, what do you feel about Trump?”

We laughed.  The truth is, I probably would not have gone on such a rant if not for our so-called President. 

The fact that hate has been validated and empowered requires us to resist, expose, fight, ridicule, deny, and extinguish it at every opportunity.  

Such as my opportunity to state in a long-ass rant when my sister asked me a simple question. 

NEXT: 121.  20 Questions from Sis

3. The Search

I didn’t go looking for Domestic Discipline.  I was online looking up info on self-help as I often do and I stumbled across some DD information.  I heard of submissive/dominant relationships, but not DD.  My first reaction was quick – “No way!”

I am not submissive.  I was repulsed.  “How could any woman be involved in this misogynistic crap?”  DD meant that my husband would make the rules, boss me around, be overbearing, dominant, and demeaning and would spank me?  WTF!

My curiosity kicked in to see what could motivate someone to live this way, so I started reading, and reading, and reading.  The more I read, the more this “thing” began to take shape in my mind.  I discovered that yes, DD can be those things that I just described, but what if it could mean something different?  What if DD were simply a system for allowing me to meet expectations I set for myself, with some help from my husband?Ultimately this “thing” taking shape in my mind was my own version of DD.

Please note I said “my version” of DD.  I noticed many DD stories are different, although it seems like a lot are also trying to follow some pre-set rules about it, but that is mostly those that try to make it about religion.   Many DD relationships seemed ridiculous to me (and still do, but I know I shouldn’t get all judgey given my own DD lifestyle).  I saw a common theme in DD that resonated with me, and all I needed to do was shape that theme more precisely to my liking.  I probably knew within about thirty minutes of reading that I was on to something and I stayed up reading more.  By the end of that night I had a revelation – a moment of clarity that forever changed my life for the better.  I developed a two part plan to once again love life, every moment, every day.

Next – 4. The Plan.