Tag Archives: pain

87. And there it was.

This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life.   Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.

I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.

DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month.  I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I.  Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close.  She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties.  She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.

While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me.  At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them.  While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it.  I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved.   Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain.  I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy.   In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.

Each session they focus on different parts of the body.  This month it was her breasts.  Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part.  She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.

MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment.  Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch.  I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.

When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like.  Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked.  I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.

The shock lasted only a few seconds.  My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful.  Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me.  I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John.   It also made me think, “I want that.”

I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session?   Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt!  I don’t know if that is really for me.  There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try

My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra.   There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged.  For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise.  I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment.  The goal has never been to inflict a given mark.  Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal.   What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise?   I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment.   It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.

However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration.  Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything.  Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries.   So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.

Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna.  Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind.  I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that.  I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.

Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today).   In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal.  It made me anxious as Sunday drew near.  Could I really take it?

MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it.  Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna.   He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed.  He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other.  It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain.   He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession.   He then said that was just a warm up.

With quite a bit of force he hit one breast.  I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan.  He then hit the other.  Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times.  I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!”  Our “yellow” safe word.

After I collected myself he resumed.  He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.”  My face buried deeper into the pillows.  He asked me if I needed to stop.  He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.

For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging.  It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.

I told him to continue.  He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast.  I was crying, it hurt like hell.

I asked him how much more.   He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through.  That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times.  I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more.  I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.

Mike started up again.  I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.

Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different.  The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed.  Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful.   I felt ridiculous.   Why did I ask for this?

AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates.  This allows it to hide more easily.   And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.

First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna.  Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna.  I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement.  First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.

I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously.  I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then.  I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word.  I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.

I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change.  I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was.  Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.

JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son.  I hate that about myself.  I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation.  But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day.  Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do.  Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change.  My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.

It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact.  I’ve never felt that before.  I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day.  However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.

Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away.   Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less.  Kayla and Donna are important to me.  Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son.   I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.

I feel stupid for even having to say that.  It is so contrary to how I normally think and function.  But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it.   I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view.   I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.

I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why.  !?!?!

Next: 88.  Something True.

83. Over/Under – A spanking game!

matchgame

As Monty Python says…”And now for something completely different!”

Here is something new and creative that Mike and I added to my Rewards.   Occasionally Mike will decide that the number of strokes I will receive will be determined by a game we call “Over/Under.” Mike picks a number of strokes he feels are reasonable but does not tell me. I then have to guess and give the number I think is reasonable. The ultimate number of spankings I will receive are based upon how far off I am and whether I went Over or Under his number.

If I underestimate the number, he takes his number and subtracts my number to get a “gross” number of swats. He then DOUBLES the gross number and adds it back into HIS original number and that becomes my new “net” number of swats.
For example – if he picked 11 and I picked 7. 11 minus 7 = 4. Doubling the 4 equals 8. The 8 is then added to HIS original 11, and the new net number is 19.  

If I overestimate the number, he takes my number and subtracts his number to get a “gross” number. He then ADDS (not doubles) the gross number back into MY original number and that becomes my new “net” number of swats.
For example, if he picked 7 and I picked 11.  11 minus 7 =4.   The 4 is then added to MY original 11 and the new net number is now 15.

If I pick it correctly, then the strokes are cut in half.
For example, he picked 11 and I picked 11. Half of 11 is 5.5 and the rule is we always ROUND UP! So, the new net number is now 6.

Mike will first tell me both the implement and level of impact he has in mind. I know automatically that some implements mean fewer strokes and the harder the impact, the fewer the strokes.   I’ve found the less impactful implements are the hardest to figure out. One time for a moderate hand spanking I guessed 30 and he had chosen 60.   So I ended up with 120!! (60-30 = 30. 30 x 2 = 60. 60+60=120).

Most of the time I am pretty close, but Mike no longer picks easy round numbers like 20 or 30. That would be too easy!   He also tends to start with a little lower number than usual, knowing that more than likely we will be adding to it.   How sweet of him (touch of sarcasm).

I’ve found that the absence of this game makes the Reward more solemn than ever.  It’s like, “Wow, Mike doesn’t even want to play.  This is really serious.”  Conversely, when we do play it, it adds more levity to a Reward and makes them less solemn and more joyful.  Yes, spankings can be even MORE joyful if you put some fun and creativity behind it.  Yes, there is a touch of sarcasm there, but mostly just truth.  I find the mix of pain and pleasure very joyful so anything that adds to that is a bonus.

Game anyone?  I am thinking of a number . . .

NEXT:  84. Happy Place. 

 

 

 

35. Calisthenics of Doom (and a tease on more to come).

I have a lot to share from our 10-day M/s immersion, so much so that I am not sure where to start. I will say that there was one element of what we did that I found the most horrific. Horrific in the sense of it being dreadful, pushing the envelope on what I would allow. Horrific in that it was shocking to me that Mike came up with it (and John and Donna went along with it), venturing into embarrassment and teetering on disgraceful. However, in the end though, like most things, within a few days I got used to it and while still shocking, it became routine.   What was is that Mike had me do? Well, I will just tease you for now and leave it at that, and share the specifics on another post. For one, I still need to build up the nerve to share it.

So, what I will share today is this less disconcerting aspect of our fun – two new punishment techniques.

By the way, while I still occasionally refer to my punishments as “rewards” and we still follow our Reward protocol per our Contract, I pretty much always just refer to them as punishments now. I think the term has lost the stigma I previously attached to it. Actually, after our immersion, pretty much everything lost its’ stigma with me. I am now far less sensitive about the words I use to describe TTWD. Perhaps I shouldn’t be as words are power (as I’ve mentioned on several posts).  I have wanted you to be able to understand my perspective on things and thus have tried to be careful with my words so that they convey the meaning I want to convey to you.  Call it lazy, as at this moment I am not wanting to invest in finding the perfect words to use.  I prefer to call it confidence – as I am less concerned about people misconstruing some element(s) of TTWD.  Anyway, it’s a bit of futile effort as we all attach different meanings to words, even the ones I diligently select.

Enough babbling.  Here’s the fun stuff –

So Mike came up with this “push up” position for certain spankings. He would strike me as I would assume the position as if I was doing a push up. If my knees touched the ground, he would start over. My arms got quite a workout. That’s one way to build upper body strength!   This position is now part of our repertoire to be used as Mike sees fit – and lately it is a favorite of his.

Then there is the dreaded “I-don’t-know-what-to-call it.” Perhaps, “the jumping jacks of doom?” He got me these new nipple clamps that are more like clips that have very heavy ends to them. I start out with “earning” 100 strokes and then have to try and do 10 jumping jacks without hesitating or stopping. For each one I do, 10 strokes are removed from the punishment. I never made it past 5 jumping jacks. Those clips start to really tug and burn, even after just one jump. Mike has become deviously creative!  Luckily we put the use of this one on hold as my nipples adjust to their new piercings.

I’ll end by sharing a bit about how Mike handled the immersion.  He handled it beautifully. I was clear to him up front that I wanted him to feel completely free to do and try anything and that if there was any moment where he thought I would be mad at him, he should remember that I promised him, in advance, that I would not ever be mad.  If he had a moment of doubt I asked him to think of me on his shoulder saying, “Yes, Mike, I want you to try that.”  The only hard limit I put on him was that scat was off limits. I felt silly telling him that but, not only did I mean it, but I think actually giving him a boundary, as far out as it was, was helpful for him to understand that everything else was acceptable to me. Beyond that one hard limit, the only limits were his imagination and my threshold for pain.

Next – 36. Vocabulary Lesson:  Fetch the Rubber Paddle