371. So long to SEX?: Submissive Wife

My “free reign” over my O, mentioned in my previous post, ended December 8. Six full days of diddling to completion. . . assuming my chores were done, and I can’t think of any better motivation to complete them as quick as possible!

I wanted to test myself to see how long I could go without an orgasm. The first time I touched myself the arousal meter skyrocketed. I immediately say, “F-that!” to any thoughts of not getting to O – and O I did!! Between masturbation and sex with Mike and/or Kayla, I averaged four O’s a day during those six days. Impressive by my standards!

Mike then informed me my “free reign” was over. That means back to our Orgasm Control (OC) and Abstinence and Edging (A&E) routine. No sex without permission, including masturbation, and no O without permission. For now Mike has prescribed edging three times a day. He sometimes changes this up without notice, so tomorrow it could be complete abstinence, and he will throw in an orgasm here or there. That’s part of the, dare I say, “fun.” Not knowing what tomorrow holds regarding my sexual release.

I shared more about the impact OC & A&E have on me in 352. JuNO: The Big “No.” I won’t repeat myself, but suffice to say after getting to ZERO during NOvember, my DSAS (Default Sexual Arousal State) sits at about a 2 on a scale of 1-10. Once again I can say that when I am not horny, I am still a little horny.

PROLONGED ABSTINENCE?

Mike threw this bomb out there. “Jen, what do you think if I put you on extended abstinence, like three months or more?”

My first reaction was that perhaps he was just kidding, or just curious how I would react.

Rule-check regarding answering questions from Mike. I am required to give direct answers and not answer with a question and most definitely never answer with a “Whatever you want.” “Whatever you want” is a given in our relationship. When he asks me a question it is because he expects an answer. One caveat is that AFTER I have answered, I can ask a question if it is intended to help me better understand the question.

My answer — “My initial reaction is I would not like it. I am always willing to try things, sometimes just for the sake of exploring, and sometimes because we believe there will be some direct benefit. In this case, I am open to exploring it. Again, I don’t think I will like it, but I didn’t think I would like NOvember either, and it was a great experience, so much so that I don’t dread the next one. Three months sounds daunting, but I am intrigued and curious how, and IF, I could handle i.”

He said, “Okay, I am not saying we will do that. At this point I was just curious about your thoughts.”

And that was that.

I shared this with a fellow submissive that emails me on occasion. While also submissive, she was concerned for me (hey, not all submissives are alike). “Does that mean he isn’t interested in having sex with you?” “Sure, he gets to have all the sex he wants with Kayla or others, so he’s satisfied.” “Are you just some robot slave that doesn’t need to be sexually stimulated?” And there was more, and I am sure many of you can think of other things that should cause me to be concerned.

Honestly, NONE of those things concern me. If he did impose extended abstinence or denial, then so be it. If that is what he wants, by default, it is what I want. I trust that he is doing it because it fulfills him and thus, it fulfills me. Things that express his control and dominance automatically have a benefit to me. That’s just how my mind works. And while I wouldn’t choose extended abstinence, if he choose it for me, I accept.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have a preference. My preference is to have sex when I want and orgasm when I want. While we are at it, I also prefer to be lazy sometimes (more often than not). I would prefer forgetting about household chores, doing nothing, and indulging myself.

But that’s the path to the pre-DD Jenny. My biggest preference of all, that supersedes my self-indulgent preferences, is a preference to submit to my husband. Not out of some sense of duty or obligation, but because that is where I get the greatest fulfillment. So in an only-in-a-submissive-mind kind of way, not being self-centered is being self-centered. My mind, my heart, and my soul, are fulfilled when I submit to my husband. I am a submissive wife!

There are parts of NOvember that I miss. I haven’t felt the same about orgasms since then. Don’t get me wrong. I like them, they feel great, and I wouldn’t object to more of them. But, I think a year of OC and the full month of abstinence has re-wired my brain. I don’t think of my personal sexual climax about being mine. My orgasms are his, for him, from him, and about him. It now seems a bit selfish to orgasm just for me. And the longer he makes me wait to give him my orgasm, the better it feels when he does.

And, while it’s strange and still foreign to me, I admit, there is joy even in the waiting. Joy in waiting, and joy in cumming. And the greater the former, the more amazing the latter.

Geesh! I’ve gone full-on submissive! Okay, so I am slow. I am sure most of you are like, “Jen, you’ve been full-on submissive since day one.” But for me, this is big. It’s something I never even knew existed within D/s, and never would imagine I would try, let alone enjoy.

It’s a bit humorous to me. The pre-DD Jenny couldn’t relate in any way, shape or form. Not to DD, not to D/s, and definitely not to Orgasm Control. But then again, pre-DD Jenny was more unsettled, anxious, irritable, and stressed.

Even after 5+ years, I continue to revel in my evolution during my DD journey! What will I learn over the next five years that can bring me joy in ways I’ve never imagined?

NEXT: 372. Kayla Shufflebottom

360. FINGER SPANKIN’ GOOD

Chelsea’s been here a week. While parts of her day are filled with emotion-filled discovery, overall it is upbeat and joyful. It’s nice to have someone different to interact with as it’s been six-months of either isolation or significant separation from fellow humans thanks to Covid.

Chelsea brings a different energy to the house. She’s a bit frenetic, a bit of nervous energy. I feel like Cesar Milan, (the dog whisperer), in that I know she will thrive if she can just maintain a calm submissive state! Ruff-ruff!

I’ve learned a lot more about her upbringing, fears, anxieties, and aspirations. She always struck me as being confident, but now I see her confidence was cover for significant feelings of inadequacy. I can also see her need to present a false sense of confidence is slowly being replaced by real confidence. It isn’t easy. There is a lot of insecurity in her and it will take a long time for her to fully squash it. At least she recognizes there is a healthy way to address it: Trust and be vulnerable to those you have invited into your life! I am SOOO digging that phrase!

I am sure I will have an update or two along the way during her visit. Especially if she decides it’s time to have a serious talk with Jaime. She might wait for him to return home. We shall see. I think a lot of her current anxiety is around having “the talk” with Jaime. A lot of her future rides on his reaction. While uncertain, my bet is he will be supportive and they will come out better for it. Always the optimist!

SWITCHING GEARS
Now for something completely different.

Given that it’s kinky, I guess it isn’t THAT different.

I’ve shared that I don’t like to mix sex with my discipline. For me they are distinct. While our sex can sometimes included kinky things like a slap on various body parts, and our play can sometimes include flogging of various body parts, none of those activities are in the context of discipline.

It’s different for Kayla in that, for her, sex and discipline can mix. A spanking or other form of discipline from Mike can often end in sexual acts of one kind or other. I understand it to a degree. and recognize that sometimes I feel aroused during discipline. One trigger in particular that tends to increase the moisture (aka “get me wet) is Mike’s words. Sometimes a harsh lecture turns me on!

Despite any arousal, I’ve shared with Mike my desire to keep sex separate from discipline. I haven’t really given deep thought into why that is important to me, it just is. Mike has always respected. Well, not 100% of the time.

I was spanked yesterday. Car registration and inspection were due by the end of August and it’s my responsibility to take care of it. I forgot. I got it done today, so luckily didn’t get a ticket. While that would have made things worse, it still isn’t an excuse for getting off without some discipline. And for added context, I’ve been spanked over the last few weeks for other things that go under the category of “I forgot.” Some grocery items I was to pick up, some errand I was to run.

I am highly organized around my household duties and quick to enter any task into my calendar on my phone with plenty of reminders set to ensure I meet my commitments. I think the string of forgetfulness was simply over confidence. I had started to no bother to enter things in my phone and just store the reminder in my head. Not a good idea.

Given the string of forgetfulness, Mike gave me a very stern lecturing. While I always find them erotically humbling, for whatever reason, this one was particularly arousing. I think part of it was that while not in our bedroom as an eyewitness, Chelsea was clearly able to overhear everything Mike was saying. I don’t know if that stimulated the exhibitionist in me, or what exactly was going on in my body.

I think part of it was that I liked the fact that Mike was undeterred simply because Chelsea could hear. He was going to say and do what needed to be said and done, no matter who heard. I liked that. Also, I had not been allowed to orgasm in three days.

I don’t connect to anything related to DDlg, but I do find lectures to be infantilizing. It makes me feel like a little girl. I like that feeling, but only in the context of his lectures. Odd. Hey, don’t question what turns you on, just go with it!

THE SPANKING FINGERING
So here we are, Mike lecturing me. We are nude, by the way, as is our default when we are home. He puts me over his knee and begins to spank me by hand. I can sense I am wet down there, but I don’t know to what degree. At some point, he readjusted my position across his lap. I don’t know if he felt something on his leg or his hand as it brushed between my legs.

He gave me three hard smacks and said, “My, you are wet, aren’t you?”

“Yes, Sir, I guess so,” I replied.

Three more hard smacks, and then he spread my legs and reached around and rubbed the outside of my pussy, giving it three strokes with closed fingers.

“No guessing. You most certainty are,” he said smugly.

While he didn’t rub hard, each stroke made me flinch and with each one I let out a little whimper, each whimper a little longer than the one before.

“Like that?” he asked.

“Yes, Sir.” I said coldly, no expression. I was feeling like my body was betraying me.

He resumed spanking me, as I expected. After about twenty or thirty, he began to rub my butt, which is not unusual. Clearly I was sexually aroused. Just the rubbing of my butt elicited not just a small whimper, but a subconscious writhing of my body, which was still laid out across his lap.

Mike’s movements throughout the spanking had slid my body so that his knee was close to being between my legs. He then guided my body so that his knee was firmly between my legs. It wasn’t a push.. It was a guide, and I did not resist. I quickly started humping his leg, softly at first, then more intently and with purpose.

I wasn’t even thinking about this being a spanking. After grinding on his leg for I don’t know how long, he pulled my body back up into a proper spanking position. He gave me a few more hard whacks and then slid his hand between my legs and started playing with my pussy.

Before long he was fully fingering me and my twisting and contorting across his lap became more and more animated. It didn’t stop until I orgasmed.

As I was catching my breath, still sprawled across his knee, Mike remarked, “Well, that wasn’t much of a punishment?”

“Best punishment, ever,” I said with a smile.

Whack. He smacked my butt hard and sarcastically said, “Best punishment, ever. . . SIR”

“Yes, Sir. Best punishment ever, Sir,” I said in a seductive voice. And feeling a stiffness against my belly I said, “And do you need me to take care of that erection, Sir?”

“Now Jen, you know this isn’t your thing to mix discipline with sex. While too late for that, do you really want to go further?”

“Yes,” I replied.

Mike thought for a moment and said, “Well, here’s the deal. You can suck me off and I give you a proper spanking of 25 with the belt, or we can conclude this punishment now and that’s that. No sucking.”

Mike was clearly being playful, but I knew he meant it as well. He was actually giving me a choice between giving him head AND being spanked versus avoiding further spankings. Heck, I was fully sexually satisfied at the moment, so any dick sucking would be 100% for his satisfaction. Do I want to endure the belt when there is no upside for me? The answer seemed obvious.

But I also took Mike’s tone as a bit of a playful dare. He was taunting me to accept the spanking. “I know we messed up and mixed pain with pleasure. We shouldn’t violate your values so nonchalantly. It seems that you owe it to yourself to finish me off and then be properly punished.”

Arg! What to do! Uphold my long held position that the sanctity of my discipline should not be violated by sex, or spare the sting of the belt? I love playful games with Mike. And I love to feel victorious in these games. But which one was “victory” for me? What did I do? Inquiring minds want to know.

REFLECTION
This incident did not mark a change in my desires to keep discipline separate from sex. It was simply one of those things that is bound to happen from time to time. No need to fight it. No need to over analyze it.

I let Mike know it is my wish to continue our tradition of keeping it separate. No regrets or remorse over what happened. Quite the opposite. It was fun! We can be playful at times, even during a punishment. Exceptions to every rule, as long as we both agree.

I am debating whether or not to tell you if I took the “dick and belt” or graciously accepted the out. (Ha. Dick and Belt sounds like a good name for a morning radio duo. “It’s Dick and Belt in the morning, coming to you on KBDSM radio). I digress)

I’ll let you know. Next post.

Place your bets!

NEXT POST: 361. CHILDHOOD IS WASTED ON CHILDREN

302. Livin’ Libido Loca – Commas over Exclamation Points

HIGH SEXUAL DRIVE
My sexual drive has been off the charts.  From “off the charts low“ to “off the charts high.  Can’t seem to regulate it into some consistent middle ground.  After some time at the “low” end, I am currently riding a big high of sexual energy and appetite.  Luckily my lifestyle presents a daily all you can eat buffet – literally and figuratively speaking.

I know I’ve shared having sex, whether it be with Mike, John, or Matt, as well as with Kayla or Donna.  But I don’t think I’ve really talked directly about my sexual proclivities.  Sharing my fondness of one act or another is likely grounds for turning some of you off.   After all, everyone knows that everyone’s kink is disgusting, except their own.  Well, you will just have to be disgusted because I am in the sharing mood.   Actually, I don’t think I will share a bunch of details, but enough that your imagination can fill in the blanks. 

Lately, I wake up horny, like a ten on a scale of one to ten.  I stay aroused all day, maybe hitting five shortly after an orgasm, but staying around six or seven, even when doing nothing remotely sexual.  The bubbles are always there.  You know, those electrical tingles that rumble and flicker in your tummy and parts south.   While I may put them out of my mind for a moment or two, it doesn’t take much for them to demand my attention. 

Masturbation helps, but I noticed a jump from five back to seven very quickly.  Whereas, having sex with someone seems to keep me at a manageable five for a little longer before the sexual urges slowly start dialing themselves back up.   Hormones!!  or is it, Whore moans?  hee-hee.   Oh, I better not go there, else I may be spanked. 

Suffice to say, I’ve been actively seeking out sex lately, and often one orgasm just isn’t enough.  Fortunately, with my sex dial at maximum, I often climax first, and after reciprocating the delight, I can usually count on my partner to “come through” for me and deliver me a second. 

SEX AND MORE SEX
Mike doesn’t like to go down on me after cumming in or around my hinterlands.  So with him, it typically means my first orgasm is through oral sex and the second through vaginal or anal.   Of course, if Kayla is there, which she often is, she doesn’t hesitate to “clean me up” so to speak.   

Historically, I can reach orgasm from giving oral sex, but it is rare.  It’s far more common lately.  And sometimes I am lucky to have two in quick successions, such as when I am sucking on Mike while Kayla is going to town on me, or vice versa.  And if they aren’t done, it’s a bonus for me to see them through to their orgasm which just might bring me to number three.   

Pre-DD I was never multi-orgasmic.  It was like the orgasm was the exclamation point on the end of the sentence.  Now, it’s more like a comma.  It simply means marks a brief pause and that there is more come..er, I mean, more to come.  And come I do.  hee-hee   

It made for a fun Sunday at John and Donna’s.  Matt was there as well as he still joins us for our Sunday Football (or Sunday Ball’in as the guys lovingly call it).  Yeah, I admit it, I was the center of attention on a mini-gangbang.   Hey, I like it, and Mike loves the cuck.  And it was great because Kayla was there the whole time as well since J was out most of the day with his cousins.   So, between three guys and two women, there typically was always someone ready for another round of fun with me.   It was a nice day of debauchery. 

While I’ve done the “one in each hole” thing before, this time I really got into it.  They each had turns at different “stations of the Jennifer” as I jokingly called it.   I am so bad!  Anyway, that was something new.  

Also, while we keep discipline and sex separate, I have wanted the sex rougher lately.   Like, really getting my ass smacked hard while in doggy, or a harder nipple pulls or breast slaps than usual. I think the aggression and the mix of pain and pleasure helps. And even being handcuffed.  Yummers!   Not my usual sexual m.o., but I am not complaining – and neither is Mike

OTHERS?
It crossed my mind that maybe a new sexual adventure might help quench my thirst.  I thought of my friend Valerie and perhaps offering my help in their quest for a threesome.   However, I advised myself against it.   The friendship vibe I have with her doesn’t seem conducive to a threesome.  Plus, she doesn’t like even talking to me about the things we’ve talked about.  She is very private.  She will sometimes bring up a specific question or comment, but once she is satisfied with an answer, she switches the conversation to more mundane things.   If it is that awkward for her to talk about, then, I can only imagine how uncomfortable she would be with me as the third.  

MIKE’S THOUGHTS?
There aren’t any other prospects out there unless Mike has any requests for me, and he does not.   Mike’s take on my high sex drive has been great.  He can only do so much, and said it’s nice I can find release, however fleeting, without him.   That’s not just the “cuck” in him speaking, but.. well, wait a minute.  Yeah, that would be the “cuck” in him speaking.   ha!   

Although, to be honest, yes, he enjoys sharing me, but it isn’t just that.  He also enjoys my enjoyment, whether it be with Kayla or Donna or one of the other guys.   The way he puts it is he likes seeing me being sexually pleasured whether I am masturbating or having sex with someone else.  He likes to see me and think of me as a sexual being who enjoys sex.  Luckily, I make it so that he doesn’t have to think very hard, hee-hee.  Point is, my pleasure and enjoyment is at the center of his pleasure and enjoyment.  How thoughtful!  lol.

There you have it.  That’s what’s been going on sex-wise.  I hope it levels out soon.  I can’t believe it is almost contract time again!  It will be up on March 17, less than two months away.  If I am still in this sex frenzy, I am afraid it could distort my judgment.   We’ve already talked a little about it and there is not much we plan on changing.  Just codifying a few things that we basically already changed in practice. 

Yeah,  I have a feeling at some point I won’t have the same appreciation as I do today over the thoughts of having a vibrator in me 24×7.   Although I don’t think that is even necessary.  I am so horny that my heartbeat is enough to get me going.  Yep, those electrical tickles are at it again making their way to the hinterlands.   I need to excuse myself. . .

Next: 303. A kink in our routine

294. How to have fulfilling “joyless” sex

KEEPING THE OVARIES
No hysterectomy!  I rescheduled back in October because I felt uneasy.  Not sure exactly what it was, but something in me left me unconvinced that it was the right thing for me.

After more reflection and continued dealing with various lady-part problems and symptoms, I decided I should move ahead with it; after all, the doctor was clear that I would benefit.  It was set for December. 

The hospital called the day before the surgery to go over the intake process.  I was ready.  About an hour later, my phone rings and it is the doctor’s office.  My doctor, whom I’ve had for about 22-years and who delivered two of my children, was “no longer with this practice.”  Surgery is canceled.  I would have to schedule a consultation with a new doctor and see what they recommended.   WTF??

As it turned out, they fired my doctor for performing unnecessary surgeries.  After my consult with the new doctor, she made it clear to me – a hysterectomy was not indicated based on my medical issues.  Many of my symptoms were just menopause related, and those that weren’t directly related could be treated with various meds and/or therapies.  JUST AS I ALWAYS SUSPECTED.

I learned a long time ago that no one knows your body better than you, not even your doctor.  And doctors can be wrong.  Medicine is not 100% science.  There is an art to it and the artisan skills are molded by the logical fallacies humans are predisposed to when we aren’t diligent to avoid them.  Add to it, even the most “flawless” doctor can’t account for everything.  Then throw in the possibility that some doctors may be motivated by something other than the standards of care. 

Moral of the story.  Trust yourself regarding your own body!  If something doesn’t sound right to you, get a second opinion!

Side note — my new doc is a female, a first for me.  I don’t know why, but, I had always preferred a male gynecologist.  I liked my new doctor and plan to stick with her (and female gyno’s going forward).  Oh – and in case you wonder – I’ve been honest with my doctors about my sexual activities.  I am sure my new doctor had quite the story to tell her husband when she got home!

IN A RELATED STORY
I had very little sexual desire through much of October and December.  In fact, I had little motivation to do much anything.  If not for my dedication to Duties and Obligations, it would have been a very lazy and unfulfilling Fall.

This lack of overall desire for much of anything was also one more piece of why my blogging respite went on for so long.  I was unmotivated to blog or do much of anything.  Finally, with my hormones in order, things have returned to normal.  Well, my version of normal anyway!  lol. 

The experience provided me with a unique perspective.

SEX WITHOUT SEXUAL ENERGY
We’ve all likely had times where we weren’t feeling frisky, but this went way beyond that.  I lacked any sexual response to sex.  Emotionally I wasn’t feeling it, and that lack of emotion had physical manifestations.  My nipples didn’t perk up, heart rate and breathing didn’t accelerate,  I didn’t get that “flush” feeling in my stomach, chest, or face, and no tensing of the muscles in my thighs and hips, no tingling in my nether-regions.  . . and certainly no orgasm.

I didn’t feel connected to my own body.  It all felt a bit impersonal.   Sounds awful, yes?

Well, actually. . . No.  It could have been awful if it went on longer, or if I feared it might be permanent.  I somehow knew it was all just related to hormones and compounded by the death of my father. 

I made the best of it.  After all, it wasn’t like I had a negative response to sex.  I wasn’t feeling guilt, sadness, or disillusion regarding sexual activity.  I just had no feelings at all, one way or the other.  I was this sexually emotionless body going through the motions.  No excitement, no plateau, no orgasm, no post-coital bliss.  And it was great!  Okay, great is an overstatement.  But, it was good.  

HOW TO HAVE FULFILLING “JOYLESS” SEX
I discovered a key ingredient that makes for fulfilling sex despite an absence of sexual energy.  Intimacy!    I still felt intimacy but in a whole new way.

I found myself 100% focused on the other person.  I felt the rhythm of every movement they made.  I felt the heat of every breath they took.   I felt the crescendo of sex in them. And I experienced their orgasm in a way that I can’t adequately describe other than to say it was very fulfilling.  (This is when I wish I had more literary skills as “very fulfilling” just doesn’t do it justice).

In addition to the feelings, there were the observations.  I mean, think about it, how often do you really watch the other person and think about every little thing you are seeing.  Sure, a glimpse or thought here and there, but I am talking about a prolonged look.   The closest I’ve come to this is in threesomes or group settings when I watch others, but typically I am also part of the sexual energy as well.  To be part of it all but not feel any of that sexual energy made for a very different experience.

I am not one to only focus on myself during sex; however, I have never been 100% focused on the other person.  Let’s be honest.  You can’t help but feel the tingles, the yearnings, and all that comes with the crescendo that ends in your own climax.  Since I wasn’t feeling any of those things, 100% of my focus was on the other person.

In some ways, it felt a bit clinical.  Like I was observing others having sex, even though I was part of it.  But it also felt like I was connecting with the other person in a new and more profound way.   Instead of experiencing sex from my point of view, (a point of view driven by all the electricity going through my body), I was experiencing it from their point of view and I was fully tuned into the electricity going through their body.   

While it was wonderful to be exclusively focused on their enjoyment, at times it felt more like I was simply providing a service.  After all, I was doing something solely for their benefit, absent any sexual satisfaction of my own.  Normally, the feeling of service will tickle my submissive spot, but that spot was also numb during this time. 

JOYLESS SUBMISSION?
Yeah, I wasn’t feeling particularly submissive throughout this period.  It made it difficult to get through my chores each day until I found new motivation.  Since submission by itself wasn’t motivation enough, where could I find it?  

I found it through my dedication to my submission.  I took it all as a new challenge.  Basically, performing my Duties and Obligations absent my normal joy would become my new act of submission.   In other words, I wanted to demonstrate to myself a new level of commitment to my DD by adhering to all my Duties and Obligations at a time I just wasn’t feeling it. 

I’ve done that before, but that was only mild ebbs and flows of “not feeling it.”  This time, it was a tsunami of “not feeling it.”

I WAS LUCKY
The moment I first felt the hint of indifference I chalked it up to hormones and felt confident it was temporary.  I think that is why I was able to experience this in an upbeat manner.  I can imagine how hard such an occurrence could be on other women who can’t put their finger on the cause or worry that it may be permanent.

I also think about what this experience would have been like pre-DD.  While I believe I’ve always been fairly well intuned with my body, that wasn’t always the case when it came to sexual energy.   This would have caused me a lot of self-doubts and stress, which would only compound all the issues.

Further, I doubt I would have been as vocal in sharing my funk with Mike, thus he would have been largely in the dark over what was going on with me.  All he would see is an unattentive wife, in the household and in bed.  I am sure tensions would start to run high, an outburst here, an argument there.   Yeah, it would be have been bad.

MORE KUDOS FOR MY DD
I was motivated to demonstrate a new level of commitment to serving Mike.  Yes, I wanted to show him, but more importantly, I wanted to prove it to myself.   And yes, it definitely helped that this was backed up by knowing there would be consequences (i.e. spankings) for failing in my Duties and Obligations. 

My DD helped this be a positive experience, albeit one that I am glad has ended.  I mean, a girl needs the excitement of the build-up, the plateau, the climax, and the post-coital bliss.  Okay, let’s be honest, while that other stuff is nice, it’s the “BIG O” that I missed the most!  

Next: 295. The one about the comment

225. Pansexual, a skinny dip, and my “first time.”

I’ve shared a couple of stories of my youth — Post 64. Strip Quarters and Post 73. Pube Shaving Party.  Since I’ve brought up naturism, in my last two posts, now seems like a good time to share one more story of my youth.  Before I do . . . 

NUDIST VS NATURIST
I learned from E, the preferred term is “naturist” not “nudist.”  To some, nudity connotes sex, whereas naturist connotes nature.  “Naturist” was coined about 125 years ago by those who partook in the nude lifestyle.  “Nudist” was a term created about 90 years ago by media.  Focusing on nudity gave it a more prurient connotation, at a minimum to sensationalize it, at worst to vilify it.  The words are often used interchangeably now, but E is sensitive to the differences in what they mean to her, so, I too will use the word naturist.   

Naturism can go deeper than simply rejecting clothes.  It can encompass how we embrace nature.  E said her parents have a minimalist lifestyle, concerned about keeping a “reasonably small carbon footprint.”  They don’t shun electricity or modern advancements – they own a car and have all the modern conveniences.  They keep their possessions to a minimum and focus on conservation and recycling.   

We haven’t met them yet as they live in another state.  It is possible we may meet them at the naturist resort we are looking into.  It will be an interesting introduction for us, to say the least.

YOUNG JENNY GOES SKINNY DIPPING
In my prior post I shared my fondness of being naked.  That fondness plays a role in my first orgasmic sexual experience (not counting masturbation).  I think I mentioned before, but if not, I had sex with a girl before I had sex with a boy.  By the time I had sex with a boy I was a very experienced virgin – but that will have to be another story.

The sex would have happened without the skinny dipping, but I wanted to share the full story to illustrate my penchant for baring it all, even when I was younger.  

It was the summer between 8th and 9th grade.  I was 13, Amy was 14.  She is just two weeks shy of being a full year older than me.  With my birthday being just before the cut off to start school, and her age is just after the cut off, we were in the same grade despite an almost one year age difference.  I was often the youngest in my class, she the oldest.  Not a big deal, but it can be at that age, especially when it comes to physical maturity.  Adding to her 11 month head start, she was an early bloomer, I was a late one.  Yeah, she had boobies way before me.   

Amy’s parents had a really nice house with a large pool in their backyard.  The backyard was secluded, at the top of a steep hill with no houses behind it.  The two houses on either side were offset such that they didn’t have much of a view of the pool, and any potential view was obscured by many trees.  They had a gravel driveway, which, while out of view, was actually close to the pool and made enough noise that you could always hear any car driving up.  The perfect storm for clandestine teenage activities. 

We had seen each other naked countless times throughout childhood.  Amy was well aware of, and subject to, my proclivity to be in the buff.  I would often swim naked when her parents and brother weren’t home and even stay naked after the swim.  For years she refused to doff her swimsuit.  One day she finally relented.

From then on it became routine for us to swim naked if her parents were at work and her older brother wasn’t home.  It was comical because each time we heard a noise she would scurry to put her suit on.  Well, it wasn’t long until her brother caught us.  He was with a friend who parked at the curb and walked up to the house, thus we didn’t hear them.

He was 18 and had just graduated high school.  He was a “man” in my mind, plus was Amy’s dorky older brother.  No one was interested or thinking anything about sex (at least I wasn’t and I don’t think he was).  I wasn’t embarrassed, but Amy surely was and was yelling, “Don’t tell mom and dad, don’t tell mom and dad!” I calmly walked over, naked as can be, and talked to him and his friend.  I bargained with him not to tell.

He said no to my offer for him and his friend to simply join us in our “clothing optional” swim (much to the chagrin of his friend).  But, it didn’t take any convincing to get him to accept the offer of feeling free to watch me that day or any other day.  That, plus, he had to agree to not tell anyone else or invite any other of his friends over.

I was happy because it meant more opportunities to be naked as we didn’t have to worry about her brother being home.  By the way, in retrospect the thought of this horrifies me.  I put myself in a very vulnerable situation being naked in front of two 18-19 year old guys.  Even though I had every reason to trust Amy’s brother, I didn’t even know his friend.  In hindsight I was foolish and very fortunate that they both ended up being deserving of that trust.

At first Amy decided swimming naked in front of her brother was too much for her, so she kept her suit on.  Once again, eventually she said, “What the hell,” and went naked.  At first we got a lot of attention, her brother and/or his friend  would hang out by the pool and watch.  But eventually they tired of it other than an occasional peek out the window.  

MY FIRST “REAL” SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
If you’re keeping score, both Amy and I had boyfriends in 8th grade that we allowed to feel us up.  She had even let her boyfriend suck on her breasts — I was the prude who hadn’t gone that far.  Ha!   Beyond that, there was some rubbing of privates over the pants, but neither of us had “touched dick” nor been fingered (other than by our self via masturbation).  And we had both experienced orgasms, but again, only through masturbation.  Okay, back to the story. . .

After one of our swims, Amy and I were in her bathroom drying our hair.  We had bottoms on but no tops.  We were talking about things we often talked about – such as boys!  The conversation turned to another common topic of ours – our breasts.  More precisely, her abundance and my lack of.  This was a normal conversation for us to have.  It was not sexual.  We always openly talked with each other about our bodies, even about masturbation.

At some point I asked her if I could feel her boobs.  I was just curious.  I had actually done this once before, about a year or two earlier, but they were much bigger now.  She said yes, so away I went.  Unlike before, this time I really went!  She stood in front of me as I played with one, then the other, then both at the same time.  Squeezing, poking, prodding, and pressing and pulling her nipples between my fingers. 

I don’t know how long I did it for, but it surpassed the length of time to qualify as platonic.   While my eyes were focused on her breasts, I became aware of her breathing as her chest would slowly expand and contract, and the sounds of inhaling and exhaling grew louder.  I finally looked up at her.  Her eyes were closed, lips were pursed.  I clearly excited something inside her.  

I smiled.  Even though it was not my intent, I knew she was feeling something sexual.  I kept playing with her breasts until her eyes opened.  When she saw me looking into her eyes she quickly got embarrassed and said, “Okay, enough of playing with my boobs, let’s get dressed.”  I could tell she was uncomfortable so I didn’t say anything about it.  That was that.

The next day we were hanging out in her room and Amy says, “Hey, it’s not fair you got to feel me up.  I want to feel you up now.”   I took it as her just teasing me and said, “I did NOT feel you up, I was just curious to know what they felt like.”  She continued teasing and said “yes you did, yes you did.”  I finally said “Fine, then if it will shut you up, then go ahead, feel me too.”  She did.

She also felt and felt and felt.  Needless to say, she also excited something in me.  I started to feel her up too.  We played with each other’s breasts for quite a while.  I actually don’t remember who went first, but at some point we began sucking on each others breasts.  And that was that.

That night I remember masturbating to thoughts of Amy.  The first time I ever had such thoughts.  I didn’t feel bad for thinking this way.  It was the early 80’s, I didn’t know anyone who was gay or bisexual, or even really know much about the terms.  I didn’t even connect my feelings with any of those terms.  It wasn’t about feeling “that way” about girls.  It was simply feeling that way about my friend Amy. 

The next day, at Amy’s, we stayed in her room the entire time.  We got naked, kissed for the first time, fondled, and fingered until each of us had an orgasm.  This was the first time that, other than through masturbation, we had been brought to climax.  We went on to frequently have sex, eventually advancing to oral sex as well.  And that was that.

PANSEXUAL
Amy and I continued having sex throughout high school and college.   All along it was important to me to make the distinction in my mind that I wasn’t attracted to girls, I was just attracted to Amy.

Only recently has it dawned on me that such a distinction is stupid.  Why did I feel it was so important to make this distinction?  I mean, I didn’t like every guy I saw, but I never felt compelled to make the distinction that any attraction to a guy was about the person versus the gender.  That was just too obvious!  So why then was it so important for me to make that distinction about Amy?

I think that it is simply due to the negative baggage society puts on us when we are attracted to the same sex.  As if you are attracted to one person of the same sex you must be a sexual deviant that wants to have sex with every person of the same sex  – thus, my distinction was important to me.  This is, of course, just societal bull shit.  

As I eventually came to understand, my sexual attractions, men or women, are based on the person, not the gender.  And it is fortunate we now have a name for this – pansexual.  No negative connotations, no negative societal bull shit baggage.  We didn’t have that term back in the early 80’s.  Pansexual!   That’s me!

Next: Post 226. Kink Research

96. Kayla’s First. . .

This story is a bit overdue because of my required last post and because I got all my Christmas shopping done this week.

It happened a week ago – it was last Saturday (or technically, early Sunday morning) – Kayla got her first spanking.  By all accounts it was incredible, cathartic, emotional, exciting, and sexy.  But, I can only tell you about it second hand because I wasn’t there.   I am very happy that it happened the way it did.  In many ways my feelings about it are similar to Mike’s date night with Donna, but even more elated because of how special it was to Kayla.  It also served as a great bonding moment for the two of them.

Mike and I were both in bed (but not asleep, hee-hee) when Kayla texted asking if could come by right now.  We were a bit alarmed.  Mike told me that he would get up and “tend to Kayla” and that I was to go to sleep.  He would wake me if I was needed, otherwise, I was not to get up and he expected me to be asleep when he returned.   As hard as it was for me to accept, I didn’t question it and surprisingly, eventually fell asleep.

I was later awakened with both Mike and Kayla getting into our bed.  Mike simply told me that Kayla was going to spend the night and he’d explain more in the morning.   A naked Kayla snuggled up in between Mike and I and that was that.  Here’s what happened as it was conveyed to me.

Kayla arrived distraught.  She had been out with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend.  I mentioned them in a prior post as Kayla would sometimes have a threesome with them.   After they spent the evening out together, it was time to go back to their place.  Kayla told them she didn’t want to do “that” anymore.  She tried to explain that she enjoyed their company, wants to stay close friends, but just not the sex – apparently neither of them took it well and they got angry.

Kayla was very upset by their reaction and was also concerned she would go home and drink.  She thought it best to come over and see us – something we specifically encouraged her to do in these situations.  That is, in situations where she wanted to drink, not in situations where she wanted to break off a threesome (ha!).

Kayla explained to Mike that the threesomes were mostly just a physical thing.  She had known her best friend for years and they had messed around before she got a boyfriend.  She was never attracted to the boyfriend and the threesomes just sort of happened, but no real emotions.  Kayla said that she could see that her relationship with us was headed towards sex.  What she felt just thinking about Mike and I was so much more rewarding than the feelings she got from the actual threesomes with her friend.  This made her realize she should stop having sex with them.  On top of that she said it is also a safe-sex thing.  She felt a responsibility towards us to be more responsible with her own sex life.

As strongly as Kayla felt about this, it still upset her that her friend reacted the way she did.  She doesn’t want to lose her friend.  Mike could tell that Kayla was holding back the tears as best as she could and really needed a release.  Mike also had an idea.  From what they told me, it went something like this –

“Kayla, I have an idea,” said Mike.  “You wait here.”  Mike then went and retrieved something and came back to Kayla and said, “We are going on a short trip.”   The left our house and walked over to John and Donna’s.  They were out-of-town for the weekend and we have a key to their house.  Mike knows they would approve of his use of their house.

Kayla of course asked what this was about and Mike told her to just trust him and follow him.  When they got inside Mike said, “Kayla, take off your clothes and bend over.”

Kayla managed a confused, “What?  Really?  Now?”

Mike said, “That is not the proper response.  This spanking was not intended as a punishment, but as a release, but now you just earned some punishment swats. Understand?”

“Yes, Sir.”

Mike proceeded to give her several warm ups by hand.  Mike said she flung about quite a bit at first but soon settled in and took them with only a little flinch.   He then pulled out “little shorty” as we call it.  It is a small wooden paddle that Mike took from our collection and tucked into his waistband before leaving the house.  He kept Kayla over his knee and spanked her with it using what he said was “fairly good” force.

About half way through Kayla started to cry and he encouraged her to let it out as loud as she needed to and he would not stop until she did.  He said it wasn’t long until she was bawling her eyes out.  When he finished with the paddle he held Kayla for quite a while as she continued to cry loudly and deeply.  As her tears started to subside he asked her what she was feeling.

“I am not sure,” she said.

With that Mike said, “Okay then, bend over.”  He took off his belt and began spanking her with it very hard and in quick succession.  He then told her to stand up and again he said, “What are you feeling?”

She hesitated and Mike quickly said, “Bend over again.”

Again, several by belt in quick succession.  At this point Kayla was again intensely crying.  He held her until it subsided and once again asked, “What are you feeling.”

She finally was able to articulate a feeling and loudly said, “Scared.”

“I am scared that I lost one of my friends.  I am scared that I will disappoint you and Jen.  I am scared that I won’t do well on my finals next week.  I am scared that I won’t want to return to school next fall and start my masters.  I am scared if I do return to school that I will find it too hard.  I am scared my mom won’t function well without me at home.  I am just so scared.”

With that she cried even more severely as she cried into Mike’s chest as he held her.  Mike didn’t try to specifically address any of her concerns and just encouraged her to vent and said he was there to listen and ensured her, “If you need to keep crying, you just keep crying.”

He told her he felt awful that this was all happening to her and that both he and I would be there for her and she could never disappoint us and that we both loved her.   As it was a bit chilly Mike got a blanket and then they got on the couch.  He laid down on his back with Kayla laying on him with her back on his chest and her head just below his.  He wrapped his arms around the blanket and her.  She continued to cry for some time.

Mike then asked, “What are you feeling?”  He said Kayla paused for just a moment, as if she was pondering whether or not she was in for another spanking if she didn’t have a response.  Then she quickly said, “Actually, I feel really good right now.”    Mike asked her to elaborate.   “I feel loved, I feel safe, I feel warm, and I feel welcomed.  Is that enough of an answer?”    Mike said, “That’s the question I would ask you.  Is that enough?”   “Yes, Sir, for the moment, it is more than enough.”

At some point Kayla flipped around so she was facing Mike, and they began to kiss – their first!   Kayla pretty quickly got “handsy” and started unzipping Mike’s pants.  She started to stroke him when Mike stopped her.  He wasn’t sure what to say.  His first thought was that he wasn’t sure it was a good moment as she was coming off something highly emotional.  Okay, he admits that was his second thought, right after thinking, “Hell, yes!”   He could immediately see a dejected look on her face and thought, “oh no, what have I done by rejecting her.”

He finally put his thoughts together and said, “Kayla, I want to have sex with you, but I’d like us to wait until Jen is around so all three of us can experience it together.”   She started to say, “But…” and stopped herself.  And again, Mike could see she was hurt by his rejection of her advances.

Mike then said, “Kayla, stand up right now.”  Kayla did so.  Mike slowly looked over her naked body and he could see Kayla was nervous.  Mike said, “Kayla, you are beautiful and we will have sex soon enough.  For now, get on your knees, pull my pants down and give me a blow job.”  Kayla complied.

When she was finished – make that, when HE was finished, ha! – he told her to lay down on the couch.
“Now, touch yourself while I watch.”   Kayla hesitated, her hand started moving towards her thighs but then she stopped, then started, and then stopped again.  It was like she wasn’t sure where to start, or even if she should.  Mike said he felt like it would help her to get started without him staring. He said, “I am going to get a drink of water and by the time I come back your fingers need to be in your wet pussy.”  With that Kayla began to touch herself and when Mike returned just a minute later, she was relaxed and enjoy herself.  It wasn’t long before she had an orgasm.

They then kissed for some time and then Mike said it was time to go.  Mike told Kayla she would be staying with us for the night.  The next thing I knew they were crawling in bed with Kayla, naked, between me and Mike.  I was naked as well.

Mike told me that all was well and in the morning they would share with me what happened.  So we each put an arm around Kayla and we all went to sleep.  I could smell the sex, so I knew something had gone on.  Suffice to say I went to sleep with a smile on my face, but probably not as big as the smile on Mike and Kayla’s face. When we woke up in the morning, Kayla was wrapped tightly around Mike in firm embrace.  She looked so peaceful.

NEXT:  97. Less Kayla, more Mike, Jen, and Kayla.

72. Swinging Solo

I tend to write things about myself that surprise me – things that are contrary to my “historical” self.   It becomes another way of re-experiencing these new and exciting thoughts, sensations, and emotions. They are interesting and novel to me, and have changed so much about my life for the better, that I feel compelled to share those things.

Ultimately it paints a picture of me that is incomplete, as it limits what you know about me. The things in my life that I perceive as mundane and usual just don’t come to mind when I am thinking about what to write – even if those would be considered extraordinary and unusual to others. I guess to be a better blogger I need to think more about others perspectives than just my own, else I am going to run out of things to write about, because as I stated before, Domestic Discipline and our Dom/sub dynamic is becoming routine.

Take my solo adventure with sex with John and Donna. I glossed over it in my post about My Funk. I was more intrigued with my emotions and actions regarding My Funk, than I was with the fact that, oh by the way,  I had sex with John and Donna without Mike being around. I am more surprised by the fact I didn’t feel compelled to immediately share that story, than I am about the story itself.   Anyway, that’s me. I suppose for you, you want to read about what happened.   Well, okay then.

Mike went out of town on business. Typically his travels put him out during the week and he is back before the end of the week, but on this particular trip he was not returning until Saturday afternoon – thus I had a Friday evening to myself. Mike and I talked in advance and agreed I could go over to John and Donna’s without him and was free to have sex. Mike did put one condition on it. He said I had to submit to John, call him Sir, and not refuse anything he and Donna wanted to do – the only caveat being the hard limits that Mike and I share would still apply.  Although it didn’t take reciting our contract to influence me, just note our Sexual Obedience Clause in the contract says Mike may have any sexual act performed by or upon me and I cannot refuse.

I was game. It actually excited me, not to submit to John, but because my submission to John was Mike’s will, and thus, part of my submission to Mike. It also put in the mindset of playing a role. I was Mike’s submissive, there to obey John because Mike decreed it.   Make sense? Maybe not, but it did to me.

I never know how explicit I should get. Yes, John and I had sex, Donna and I had sex, the three of us had sex. Usual threesome positions, occasional two-some positions.

From an emotional perspective.   I had three orgasms before I returned home so obviously I felt good emotionally — but, I did feel different not having Mike there. I can’t really describe it. Not a bad feeling, not an extra good feeling…just different. Almost like I didn’t know what to do. I think that is it. I was a bit hesitant and unsure, which I hadn’t felt before regarding sex with them when Mike was around. In some ways it was good that I was in a submissive mindset, because I wasn’t very capable of anything other than following their lead.   I did think of Mike quite a bit, from the “I wish you were here” perspective. But not with any sadness or longing. Just that any time I am enjoying myself away from him I get that twinge of “I wish you were here” regarding thinking of Mike.

Oh, there was one other moment that felt a bit odd. There was a moment when Donna left the room. It was just John and I. Another feeling I can’t quite describe. It still felt good, but it felt “diminished.”  Part of the fun was sharing the fun with Mike, and of course, he wasn’t there. Well part of the fun is sharing the fun with Donna, and now she stepped away.   It still felt good and all, but just less fun and my mind lost focus thinking, “What is Donna doing? When will she return?”  She returned within just a few minutes and that was that.  Okay, so emotionally, I think I’ve covered all the different emotional feelings I had.

Now – physical feelings!   Again, I had three orgasms before I returned home, so clearly it was hitting all the right spots physically.  I mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM oriented than Mike and I. At one point John got out a crop that had this thin extra end to it. In looking online afterward, I think it was a Flicker Whip? He had Donna and I lay next to each other, first on our stomachs, then on our backs, and he struck us with it. He went way lighter on me.   It has a pretty sharp sting to it, and tickles if he just dragged it across my skin. It didn’t hurt much and as expected, also felt good at times.   John went easy on me, but did flog (I call it more a flogging than a whipping) just about my entire body from the neck down. At no time did I get close to needing my safe word, and a few times I even let out a nice pleasurable groan to entice him to hit a little harder. All in all it was very nice.

When Mike got back we didn’t talk about it much. That night he did ask me how it went, how I felt, was I comfortable, did I enjoy myself, stuff like that. I shared with him the stuff I put here in the blog, with perhaps some more detail, (okay, a lot more detail) and that was that. But when I shared the detail, it was all very playful and erotic. It served as great verbal foreplay for his “welcome home” sex with me!

And, soon we get to return the “favor” but even more so. John is going out of the country on business and will be gone three weeks.   Our plan is to have Donna actually spend several nights with us. But that’s just another usual and mundane part of TTWD, so you won’t want to hear about that!  🙂

NEXT: 73. Pube Shaving Party

31. June Butterflies – 10 day Total Power Exchange

I have butterflies in my stomach.  Not the anxiety driven type such as before a test or important presentation. Not the type you get from a great roller coaster ride. It’s the type that I haven’t felt since my first infatuation with a boy in middle school. The persistent tingle fueled by a constant adrenaline drip. The more I think about what is to come, the faster the drip. My heart beats faster, my mouth becomes dry, and my hands a little shaky and a bit damp.  These thoughts prime my sexual feelings and leave me in a constant heightened state of arousal. Any time I want I can orgasm in record time.

Two reasons for the butterflies.

1. Social Event:  In mid-June Mike and I are going to a local event we found on FetLife. It’s a gathering of “like minded” folks to explore and share TTWD. It’s at a public place so should be filled with casual conversation.   I am very excited.
2. Submissive Immersion: Mike and I are taking our DD up a notch (make that several notches), at least temporarily.  In mid-June my son is going to spend two weeks at my parents, which is customary during the summer. Our other son is attending summer sessions so won’t be home from college. That gives Mike and I some extended alone time

We decided on a 10-day submissive immersion in June.  A full M/s dynamic with total power exchange (TPE). That sounds ominous, and in some ways it is, but it is new for us, so I am sure our version of TPE will seem light compared to those that are TPE veterans.

I won’t list all the things that will be part of our TPE, partly because I don’t know what all Mike has in store for me, but also partly to just let your imagination run wild. Unlike our DD contract where much of it was my creation with Mike’s consent, our TPE stuff is mostly Mike’s creation with my consent, if you want to call it consent.  I went in with the mindset that I will agree to everything he comes up with. He has shared many ideas with me and I did not disagree with a single one – if anything I suggested some things that took his idea a bit deeper.  I wanted him to know he can go as deep and dark as he wants.  He has come up with some pretty wild and far out stuff, at least for us former vanilla-folks. Plus, he is free to ad-lib at will, so I can only imagine what kind of stuff he comes up with as we get into the later days of our immersion.

I told him this was about me serving him.  It is not about serving any of my needs.  As I shared before, much of our DD has been a bit selfish on my part where I set the rules and Mike carries them out. That just doesn’t work in an M/s dynamic. Knowing that these are things he wants to explore is what adds to my butterflies.  It excites me to truly serve him for his sake, not for mine!

It’s interesting for me to think back to just a little over a year ago, pre-DD. I would look at what we are going to be doing in Mid-June as insane at best, repulsive at worst. I had so many misconceptions about submissiveness – many that I am sure you have if you haven’t explored this lifestyle, or likely had before you explored this lifestyle.

Oh, and another thing I am excited about is that I am going to get my nipples pierced! Personally I was ambivalent about it but Mike told me to do it and that was sufficient for me. Knowing he wants it turned my ambivalence to excitement. I can’t wait to have it done. . . for him!

June is going to be fun!
Next: 32. Appreciate, Follow, Obey, Please, Serve