We all tried to think ahead of the potential surprises in store for us prior to Kayla moving in. Well, we realized a blind spot in our prior thinking.
When I previously thought of Kayla coming to live with us, being submissive, and all that jazz, I thought of it mostly in the context of how she would fit in to my Domestic Discipline. Mike and Kayla did as well. We knew she would need and want some different things, but thought of it as mere tweaks. . . a little bend here, and little twist there. . . but basically having my DD as the foundation for hers. Well that was dumb! Of course, hindsight is always 20/20.
She has her own unique needs and desires. Some of her growing frustrations are a direct result of her trying to fit more into my “template” than simply creating her own from scratch. Don’t get me wrong, overall she is elated and amazed with her experience thus far, but it still includes some frustrations. So, Kayla is taking another crack at better articulating , in a contract, what she wants and needs. There isn’t any regret or animosity with this effort. It was simply a lesson learned for all of us. We all realize this is a discovery process for Kayla (and us) and what we discovered was that her needs and desires aren’t always met the same way mine are met. Duh!
Kayla’s DD has a bit more Discipline. . .
In just the three weeks since she moved in we have made many adjustments to address the needs Kayla is discovering. She is generally fine with the level of discipline and direction she receives from me – maybe a tad more than I started with, but not dramatically different. But – she clearly wanted more and still wants more from Mike. He has responded and is much more authoritarian with Kayla and much more picky – okay, I’ll say it – he is more mean. But in a way she seems to respond to and enjoy. Suffice to say, lots of spankings and other punishments!
He also lectures her more during a spanking than he does me. He also lectures her differently. He often will pose things to her like, “Do you agree that what you did is….” “Therefore, do you agree that….,” “So, then you agree that you have earned such-and-such punishment?” This approach has been helpful for Kayla. When she is left to infer something, she almost always infer negative thoughts. Mike’s approach basically explain the logic behind what is happening, leaving less to her imagination and fewer voids for her to fill with negative thoughts about herself.
Kayla tends to look at every punishment as a colossal failure on her part. This is one reason she feels she is so emotional and often starts crying well before being spanked. Another major difference between her and I is that she deeply yearns for our approval, especially Mike’s. We know Kayla tends to be a perfectionist and hard on herself. We have tried to remind her that a punishment is not an expression of our disapproval, and is about failing to meet the commits she made to herself. We remind her that she doesn’t let us down, ever, and that she is not a failure, she is not defective, etc., etc. Despite this, she still feels the way she does. However, she says that in the short time she has been here she thinks she is becoming a little less hard on herself. To the extent her diminished level of crying represents progress, we agree she is improving. She still cries, even before some punishments begin, but not quite as much and she recovers faster.
Kayla has been quick to dispel any notions that the punishments are too much for her. She reassured us that whatever negative words she uses to describe her feelings when she fails, the punishments do not add to those negative feelings. In fact, she says she craves the punishment. She says she feels so good when it is over and we have our after care. She thinks the punishments act like an atonement and while those negative feelings may be present at the start, they are all gone by the end. She says she has never had that before. No lingering shame, guilt, or embarrassment. Those feelings are replaced by all positive thoughts once she punished.
We have to take her on her word on that, but I still don’t like that she has to go through those negative thoughts. That leads me to my realization that I need to remind myself that my DD is not Kayla’s DD.
Kayla’s DD is less selfish. . .
My DD is a bit selfish. It is about the terms I created and the commitments I made to myself. It is that context that gives me my satisfaction from DD. Clearly, that is not Kayla. Kayla wants to serve others – primarily Mike. She finds satisfaction through that service. She wants more direction and more rules. She wants a more authoritarian Dom. Her satisfaction comes from doing what is difficult and going above and beyond expectations. She has always been like that, but now, instead of lingering bad feelings when she fails, she feels absolved through punishment. Instead of being demoralized in ruthless self-assessment and self-pity, she is “cleansed” and energized.
Not that I care to compare, but I realize that my version of DD is a bit lame. I say that in jest and with pride! I love my dynamic – and recognize that it is likely a bit more self-centered than most DD dynamics. I do call this blog, Domestic Discipline – Jenny Style! I created my DD to serve my needs. While it has evolved and Mike has broad discretion to do things I have not explicitly agreed to, I think with 25-years of marriage he sort of knows what I want and need. While there have been times where what I “needed” went further than what I “wanted,” overall my limits have only been gently pushed, which is fine by me.
Back to Kayla’s DD – Contrasting my dynamic, she wants to be pushed hard, she wants and needs more guidance, more feedback, more direction, more rules, and overall just more attention, good or bad. She has expressed that she doesn’t want to have to spell all these things out, and wants us to just push and push and she will let us know if we reach her limit. So Mike and I have taken her at her word and stepped things up even more.
I’ve got to give kudos to Mike. He is still able to be what I need him to be for me, while attending to Kayla’s evolving needs. I think it helps that he and I are in it together with Kayla – although he does play a much larger role, he isn’t alone in addressing her needs.
Kayla’s DD has a touch of M/s. . .
Kayla does a lot more “service” type work and is always looking to do more things. A bit like a M/s relationship, except she does so much on her own – and once she does them, she expects us to expect that she continues to do so. One of the more comical things was that the other day she was at the bathroom sink and Mike came in to pee. She said, “Let me help you with that, Sir.” Mike was puzzled, and Kayla proceeded to wrap her arms around him from behind and reach over and unbutton, unzip, and pull down his pants. She aimed his penis at the toilet bowl and said, “Proceed when ready, Sir.” He told Mike that anytime she was around she is happy to help him this way, just let her know. And of course, now when he pees and he doesn’t call her over, she is very disappointed.
. . . and a touch of DD/lg
There are also some things that I am growing to identify as bordering on a DD/lg dynamic. I mentioned before our nighttime “tuck in” routine whenever she is sleeping in her room. It has become something she expects and needs and has been upset when it doesn’t occur. I actually physically tuck her in now and kiss her goodnight, and Mike will stop by her room when he is going to bed and whether she is asleep or awake, give her goodnight kiss and whisper goodnight.
One of her new favorite treats is being bathed by one of us. This started a few nights ago when she asked Mike to give her bath after a particularly intense Maintenance Session. And it hasn’t just been Mike as the other night she asked if I would give her the bath. She says it is one of the most rewarding feelings she gets. Knowing she enjoys it does motivate us to want to do it for her, and, this new “privilege” can be taken away as punishment if needed. And there’s more…
When she sleeps in her own room she asked me to come and wake her in the morning versus her setting her alarm, then she asked me to pick out her clothes, then, it led to her asking me to dress her. We had to adjust our morning routine a bit to wake up a little bit earlier so that I can do this for her. DD, M/s, DD/lg, or whatever the label, I chalk it all up to simply helping define DD, Kayla style!
Kayla really came to us at a good time. Had this occurred earlier, I would have not been ready to give up any of my energy to focus on Kayla nor would I have been ready for Mike to give up his focus and energy on me. I can only imagine how miserable things would be if this all happened a year earlier, even just six months earlier. I could hear my prior self say, “I’ve got enough to deal with that I have to wake up five minutes early to deal with Kayla’s sh*t!” Yep, it wouldn’t have been pretty. Things are humming along in my life that I welcome the opportunity to help nurture and support Kayla.
Oh – by the way, let me throw this little factoid in —
Mike has to go out of town – to Orlando – for a business meeting in February. Kayla asked if she could join him. Mike asked me my thoughts. I told him he did not need to seek my permission. He didn’t like that answer and basically forced a direct answer from me. “Yes, I think it is a great idea. You all should think of it as an extended date or better yet, an extended scene. Pretend she is your wife, or girlfriend, or whatever. Really have some fun with it.” I don’t think Mike fully believed me. “Mike, I have to be honest and I am being honest. You know how excited I got when you went on that date with Donna. This even tops that. Really, I want this for you and for Kayla.”
So with that, Kayla will be going with him on this trip.
Oh, and speaking of Donna – I haven’t mentioned John and Donna in a while. Yes, they are around. Yes, we still see them. Perhaps more on that on my next post!?!