I feel I am a bit of an expert on DD, but I also know my expertise is limited to what it means for me to be submissive. Yes, I have some insights into Kayla and Donna, but their journeys are their own, and Kayla’s is still rapidly evolving. So, yes, I know I am no expert, but, I have learned a lot in a short amount of time.
I enjoy reading “newbie” blogs – those who are new to DD or D/s or in exploring kink in general. I feel compelled to impart some wisdom, perhaps to save them from struggling, feeling anguished, or giving up too soon. However, those struggles and feelings may be necessary for growth. Sometimes you can’t explain something away for someone — they just have to experience it in order to truly reconcile it. With that, what am I going to do? Well, I am going to give my advice anyway.
MY ADVICE TO SUBMISSIVES
Advice #1 – Take all advice with a grain of salt. If it resonates with you, great, but if not, then just dismiss it and move on. Your journey will be unique, because D/s or kink in general is such a diverse thing. You may find one thing in common with another D/s relationship, but 100 things that are different. So seek information, lots of it, but don’t try to force what you read or hear into your situation.
Advice #2 – Recognize that being submissive is not playing or acting submissive. It is a real mindset. It is who you are. Of course, unless it is not who you are and you just want to put on the submissive role when it suits you. That’s fine too. See, I told you, take all advice with a grain of salt. No one will kick you out of the kink club for just using it as an occasional escape and release.
But — and this is Advice #3, — if it is more than just play acting, then it is important to have a Dom who understands how to feed and nurture your submissive mindset. This can be extremely difficult. You don’t need a good Dom, you need the right Dom. If your Dom is a newbie too, you are on the right path if your Dom is open to learning some Dom basics, and open to feeding and nurturing your mindset.
MY ADVICE TO DOMS
Although an infraction in the D/s rule book, I, a submissive, am going to give some advice to Doms. Hey, they aren’t my Dom! If this offends you, then just consider it my advice to submissives regarding what they should look for in a Dom. Better?
Advice #1: For me the biggest thing for a Dom to learn and understand is that consistency is absolutely required. Whatever the rules are, they need to be consistently applied. A good submissive wants to please their Dom. The submissive spends a lot of energy on concentrating on the rules. The submissive makes every effort to excel at their tasks and do an excellent job everyday. It really sucks when a Dom is nonchalant about a rule that a sub is heavily invested in and trying hard to focus on.
Advice #2: Or perhaps it is 1a. Whatever. Make sure the rules you have are actually important and have meaning to the submissive. Of course, the caveat to that is you may have a sub who enjoys random rules that only serve the purpose of displaying the control you have over them. If that’s the case, fine. Again, grain of salt.
But for me, especially early on, it was extremely important that every rule had a special meaning to me, the submissive. Every rule was tied to addressing a behavior that I wanted to adopt, change, improve, or eliminate. It wasn’t until later that one of the behaviors I wanted to adopt was serving Mike in the manner he wanted to be served, independent of whether it addressed a behavior I wanted to address. I guess the better way to put that is that the behavior I wanted to address was behaving more submissively to Mike’s will. But I had to evolve to that. My DD would not have lasted long if Mike had imposed the things in the beginning that he imposes now. I would have dropped DD in a heartbeat.
And if my DD never evolved past the more selfish form that was all about me and my needs, that’s okay, as long as it continued to satisfy both me and Mike. So again, no right or wrong way to kink, as long as you are getting the satisfaction you seek.
MY GOLDEN RULE OF DD – ADVICE TO BOTH DOMS AND SUBS
Make sure both of you recognize the effort and performance of the other.
- For the Dom, it means giving praise.
- For the Sub, it means giving thanks.
When a Dom praises the sub it helps reinforce the importance of the task. It shows it is important to the Dom, thus is becomes even more important to the sub. It shows it has meaning to the Dom, which gives it an even deeper meaning to the sub. Thus, it feeds the submissive nature of the sub.
When a sub thanks the Dom, it helps reinforce consistency in applying the rules. This can be especially important for a new Dom who doesn’t want to come across as a hard ass or mean-spirited. The Dom needs to know the sub appreciates the discipline that was administered, as it shows the discipline had meaning to the sub, which gives it an even deeper meaning to the Dom. Thus, it feeds the dominant nature of the Dom.
This giving praise/giving thanks is always important, but even more so early on when both people are new to their roles, still finding themselves, and trying to understand the needs of the other. Giving praise/giving thanks help address the insecurities and even embarrassment that both Dom and sub are likely to have when first starting out. Being successful with your kink requires you to be vulnerable. Praise and thanks go a long way to build confidence to be vulnerable to your partner(s).
That’s it. Those are my top tips! Happy kink!