A few months ago Kayla “came out” to a male friend of hers, Daniel. I point out that he is gay, not because it matters, but he is still in the closet to friends and family, except he has shared with Kayla. They have a sibling-like relationship, always platonic, and we have met him on a few occasions. When Kayla asked to share her (and ours) dynamic with him, Mike and I agreed.
Kayla said that Daniel never asked a lot of questions when she told him and just accepted that she was in a relationship with an older couple and it involved some kink, namely Kayla being submissive.
Daniel was over this afternoon visiting with Kayla and I guess it gave him an opportunity to see certain things and thus ask more questions about our dynamic. It was a very respectful conversation, no judgement – just curiosity. His visit and that conversation was uneventful to the point it wouldn’t even warrant a post about it, sans one bit of the dialogue.
Daniel said something to Kayla like, “By becoming submissive aren’t you basically agreeing to allow yourself to be violated?”
Kayla’s response touched me and I felt I had to share it.
“Yes, Daniel, you could use that word, ‘violated,’ but I believe that word implies a lack of consent. A better word is ‘challenged.’ I allow my character, my beliefs about myself, my personal integrity, my morals, my ethics – all of that — I allow all of that to be challenged.”
“What it has meant to me is that I have found a new way to express the feelings and emotions that I have always had. I express them in ways that are not self-destructive. And I don’t believe I have “become a submissive.” I believe I was always a submissive, but I just didn’t know it and had to find it buried inside of me. I believe the only way to be a real submissive is to be real. Be who you are, and for me, this is who I am.”
“For the first time in my life I am truthful with myself. My submission is about dedication to the truth – the truth in who I am. I find I answer the questions I pose to myself with more honesty than ever before. Because I must share my feelings with Mike and Jen, I have to give more thought to what I am truly feeling. I can’t just give those feelings a fleeting thought and a hasty, ill-conceived and overly self-negative, conclusion. I have to think through them more deeply as I have to be able to articulate them to Mike and Jen.”
“Honesty is a harsh and harrowed path, but is the only path that allows happiness to bear its greatest fruit. I have found that delivering the fullness of myself to Mike, and allowing that fullness to be challenged, or in your words, violated, I am able to find out who I truly am. More importantly, I discovered that honesty and myself are enough. Who I am is enough. Enough for me, enough for Mike, enough for Jen, and enough for this world.”
“And it isn’t as if I have reached some ultimate destination. My excitement is that while I now feel “enough,” I know there is so much more for me to learn about myself and the world. That my “enough” will not only continue to expand, but it will do so without me ever again feeling “less than.” Life’s uncertainties no longer scare me. Poor decisions and bad experiences of the past don’t weigh me down.”
“I am a submissive, which is not to say I am submissive. I am Mike’s submissive, but to the world I am Kayla, and I am strong, and I am smart, and I am worthy, and I am enough.”
I was practically crying when she finished. Even now I have a hard time putting into words what her statement meant to me. Frankly, what it means to me is secondary to what it meant to Kayla. Of course, I had to have her repeat much of this so that I could get it all down. I told her how much it moved me and made me feel so good that Mike and I played our part in helping her with this.
I shared before that Kayla was a bit of a wallflower, a bit shy, and very insecure, “Was” being the operative word. That Kayla is no more. As she said, Kayla is strong, smart, worthy, and enough!