313. Contract update – 4 years of DD

I am going to change gears for this post and then pick up the TJ & Kim saga next time.  I will say that it’s great that Kim recognizes she has an unhealthy view of her sexuality.  Even greater, she has the strength to verbalize it and the fortitude to try and address it despite how mortifying it makes her feel.   Each time we talk it is clear it is very difficult for her to talk about it, but she forces herself to do so.   More on that on another post.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE!
This Agreement marked the 4 year anniversary of our adopting DD as our first DD agreement was March 15, 2015.   It seems like an eternity ago.  My life is so amazingly different.  A level of fulfillment, joy, happiness, excitement, and endless other words that don’t do justice in articulating the positive differences in my life.    I hope my 300+ posts serve as a testament to the positive differences.

I believe everyone could benefit from going down the first few steps of my path, even if their path is not forged in Domestic Discipline.  Simply – be 100% vulnerable and authentic to your mate, then diverge and take whatever path presents itself.

CONTRACT
My last DD Contract expired in March.  Can you believe it?  I didn’t write a dozen or so posts about reconciling my fears and desires into the changes in my Duties and Obligations.  My lack of documentation was not just because I’ve been neglectful of my blog this year.  It’s simply because we only made some minor changes that reflect we are both at a comfortable and fulfilling spot in our journey.

I came out of our 2017 negotiations a bundle of nerves – a mix of happiness, eagerness, apprehension, and sadness.  This time?  Meh.

Last time we went into our final negotiations with an outline of six major things we were changing.  This time  – no major changes.   We added points of clarity to recognize some things we’ve already incorporated and just needed to codify.  Here are some of the notable things we updated:

NAMES
Funny how we never noticed, but Mike pointed out that throughout the Agreement, he is “Mike,” yet I am referred to more formally as “Jennifer.”   Shouldn’t he be “Michael?”
Although some people do call me Jennifer and no one calls him Michael, it made sense.  We like the more formal air it gives to our Agreement.

LECTURES
This was to codify a change we made a few months ago regarding lectures.  You can read that post for what was behind this change.  Simply, I wanted harsher lectures.
The prior contract had wording such as, “When Disciplining Jennifer, Mike will strive to maintain a professional businesslike tone, avoiding a condescending or degrading tone.”

The new wording, “…Mike will strive to be stern and maintain a somber and serious tone, and lecture her as he sees appropriate.  He may use any condescending and/or degrading terms of his choosing.”     I can use our Maintenance Sessions to discuss terms I did not like that I don’t want to be repeated.  And if it is too much during the verbal chastisement, I can always use a safeword, no different than physical punishment.

Mike has cranked up the lectures over the last few months.  He is still finding the right amount of condescension that he is comfortable with that at the same time doesn’t exceed my comfort levels.  I’ve encouraged him to keep dialing it up and I would let him know.  Much like other limits, you typically don’t know what they are until you exceed them.

As Mike often reminds me, physical wounds are easier for him to see and easier to heal.  Lectures are 100% emotional and it’s hard to judge when you’ve gone too far and the healing process may be longer.   I’d something snarky and funny and self-deprecating, but, yeah, I’ll keep that thought in as it would probably get me spanked.  Why?

NO SELF-DISPARAGING REMARKS
This was Mike’s idea and I agreed.  He doesn’t want me referring to myself as a whore or a slut or anything disparaging.  This arose in part from his reaction to my “Whoring me Out” post which I wrote about in Post 271. Unfair exploitative whoring.  He felt that with him being able to include disparaging comments in lectures, he didn’t want me reinforcing those terms by referring to myself that way.   He did say there could be some latitude when I am clearly joking or we engaged in play, but the humor needs to be clear and the setting needs to appropriate.

He summed it up as, “Self-depreciation is one thing, self-loathing another.”   Not that I am someone with any self-esteem issues or feelings of inadequacies, but I understand his point.  It’s like my mantra’s  – words are power and the more they are repeated, the more power they have in your mind.

I think this one will be easy enough to adhere to; however, I know my attempts at humor some time cross the line between what is fun and what is foolish.  Oh well, nothing a few well-earned spankings can’t correct.  hee-hee.

DEFERENCE
Our Agreement has a section about deferring to Mike’s judgment.   We added some wording to make it clear it isn’t just about after the fact, such as once he has made a decision.  But also before the fact.  That is, I need to consult with him on any major decisions before making my opinion known to anyone.  I mentioned this one in my prior post re the Godfather reference.  

This was also Mike’s idea.  I really liked it as it thrills me to tell people I need to check with Mike.   Depending on the audience, I sometimes say, “I must check to see if Mike will allow me.” It makes me feel so submissive and vulnerable, yet so secure and confident in my submission.  I have no qualms about making my deference to Mike’s authority over me known to others.

I’ve also found it may prompt a question like, “So you have to ask permission?”  And in keeping with our “If asked, do tell” policy, I say yes!  And sometimes that prompts more questions, sometimes not.  

IF ASKED, DO TELL
The prior contract required me to get Mike’s permission before I could tell anyone about any elements of TTWD.  We updated the new contract with how Mike has loosened this to what we call an “if asked, do tell” policy.   If someone asks a question, I can answer it honestly and provide no more than the minimal amount of information to do so.

This demonstrates how far Mike has come in his confidence with our lifestyle.  He tends to have an “I don’t care what people think” streak in him, but it is has a few guard rails that can be tough to penetrate.  

SEXUAL OBEDIENCE
Here’s another area that wasn’t really changed, just clarified.  We made it consistent with wording from Kayla’s contract.  We don’t make it a point to compare and contrast our agreements, but where we are already similar in practice, Mike prefers we use the same wording.  He said this helps reinforces the sameness with him, as well as makes the differences easier to spot and remember.

The wording already gave him complete authority… “Mike may demand any sexual or physical activity to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.”    It now includes some pointed wording such as  “Anything.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Anyone.  Without hesitation and without regard to the surroundings.”   There are still some controls such as hard limits, safe words, and my ability to use the next Maintenance Session to request any modifications or cessation of a particular act.

WORDS ARE POWER
Beyond the items noted above, a few other wording tweaks, additions, and subtractions, all with the intent to provide further clarity.   Remember, words are power.  And ultimately the words we put into the Agreement are not as important as the wordsmithing process itself.   The conversations we had were priceless.

We don’t let the contract rule us.  We rule the contract.  We don’t run to the contract to see what it has to say, but we do periodically review it together to ensure we are in sync with our expectations and agreements to one another.  We look at the contract as a living, breathing, thing.  Not a hammer.

Having to articulate my desires, for both myself and for what I desire for Mike, our marriage, and those around us, is an incredible gift to our relationship.  And having Mike do the same is just that much more incredible.

You can do this in your relationship.  All it requires is one ton of vulnerability, and equal parts love and compassion.  Hint: the hardest part is the vulnerability, assuming the love and compassion are already there.  If they aren’t, you will never be able to be truly vulnerable.

For us, every part of TTWD has been the byproduct, not the goal, of our being vulnerable, loving, and compassionate.  Your results are up to you and your relationship – DD or kink or whatever I have, is NOT an automatic byproduct. 

NEXT: 314. Can I watch you have sex?

97. Less Kayla, more Mike, Jen, and Kayla

The topic of Kayla has surely dominated my “news” lately (6 out of my last 7 posts).  I am only now beginning to realize how big this change will be in my life.  At first I thought of Kayla moving in as more of helping her out.  Then came the prospects of her being submissive to Mike.  At that point I still thought of her as being on her own little journey with us there to provide some guidance and love.  As we get closer to her move in date, and have more meaningful discussions and interactions with her, I see that it is much more.  It is truly a relationship of love.  I guess you could describe where we are at – or clearly are headed – is a polyamorous relationship.  I hesitate to call it that just yet, but whatever the name, it is an intimate relationship on many levels.

I think Kayla is an amazing person and I love her.  It is hard to describe.  There is an attraction and passion that goes beyond the maternal feelings I have for her.  It feels odd, like the infatuation that I haven’t felt since I was very young.  It is like I have this crush on this young woman who is 25 years younger than me.  No, it is not “like” that.  It IS that.   And Mike feels the same way, as does Kayla.   It has surprised all three of us.

She wrapped up her finals this week and spent a couple of nights with us.  It is not uncommon for her to go out with her friends and spend the night, so her mother was not concerned about her not coming home.   We have fully “consummated” our relationship, but I will leave the details out.  For some reason I don’t feel like sharing them.  To help guide your imagination closer to the truth, think of it as soft, loving, slow, and tender.  Not hot, heavy, hard, and pounding.

Kayla has started regularly calling me “Ma’am” and Mike “Sir.”  She has also presented us with her contract.  I won’t share the details for now – however, she is definitely going “all in” on her submission.  She has required a lot of subjugation of herself and has asked for a level of strictness that surprises me.  I see lots of spankings in her future, even some by me.  I believe she is truly ready for what she committed to. She put a lot of thought and research into this.  She told us to stop reminding her that she can stop this at any time.  She said she understands that but never wants us to speak of her ability to quit ever again. For someone who is shy and uncertain about herself in many ways, she is also confident and bold in many others.

I have used my blog to both reflect on things that I have done and to try to dissect what I felt and am feeling.  I am fine speculating about my own feelings and motivations, or even of Mike’s, but, it is unfair to do so about Kayla’s experience.  I will continue to post about what I am feeling and experiencing, so I am sure there will be plenty about Kayla – but I need to be respectful of Kayla’s journey.  She will surely share her feelings, how she interprets her experiences, her needs, her desires, etc.   And I will share those things to the extent she allows – but I will not rely on conjecture in sharing what I think those things are for her.

I continue to encourage her to start a blog.  She does have to journal after all, so why not blog it?    She has said she wants to give the journaling a try and perhaps after a bit she would be comfortable putting it out there.  Right now she feels like it is enough to just be living it – she isn’t ready to share like that.  That is another reason I need to show discretion about what I post about her.   Her words were, “I am fine with you blogging about me the way you blog about Donna.  But I am uncomfortable if you blog about me the way you blog about yourself.”   What she says she meant is that she doesn’t want me opining about what I think she is thinking but I can write about what she outright expresses.  And she would like me to focus on the three of us, not just her.  So to the extent I share things about her she asked that I include the thoughts or reactions of all three of us.  In other words, less Kayla, and more Mike, Jen, and Kala.

That’s fair.

NEXT: 98. Threes Company Housekeeping

89. Spanking jealousy away

I last left you with my finding my “truth” regarding some negative feelings that crop up now and then regarding Donna and Kayla.  It has been very liberating to have identified the “enemy” within and constructively deal with efforts to purge it.   It’s a process, but all I have to say is “I am getting that feeling” and whether I am talking to Mike, Donna, Kayla, or some combination of the three or all three, they all lovingly and supportingly ask me to elaborate.   They don’t do it in a “good grief, there she goes with her stupid reaction…”    As I stated before, they recognize it as my “truth” and allow me to express what I am feeling at that moment of truth.   Saying it out loud is very healing.  It reinforces what I “logically know is true” which, repeated and shared enough in positive, affirming ways, should eventually evolve into what I “emotionally feel is true.”

I can already sense the feeling of jealousy is feeling less like jealousy and more like envy.  Both are still bad, but to me, jealousy is more toxic.  To me, jealousy feels like I am threatened and my mind goes into “fight or flight” mode or a “protect what I have” mode.  My heart races faster, the volume of my voice goes up, my mind needs immediate resolution of this dire situation.  It’s like envy+fear+anger.   Envy on the other hand, is just wanting what someone else has.  Envy has a touch of melancholy to it that jealousy doesn’t have.  It doesn’t demand immediate resolution.  It still isn’t fun, but it is not nearly as toxic as jealousy.

I find I get that feeling whenever I feel like I don’t have control, the glaring exception being the control I have voluntarily given up to Mike as his submissive.  One thing we learned is that with just a few words Mike can take this negative feeling that starts to bubble inside me and squash it with a firm command.  It’s like being submissive to him gives me all the permission I need to let go of trying to control anything.

Should I be punished for feeling jealous?
I had a conversation with Mike about what we should do when I have “those feelings (jealously/resentment).  Should I be punished?  Mike said that punishment felt wrong to him in this situation.  I respectfully disagreed.  I told him that punishments and submission have been very effective at reminding me of my commitments, which I value and cherish.  They help me internalize the fact I can’t and don’t want to control everything.  They focus me on our loving family and all the things I am grateful for.  So when I self-report that I got “that feeling” again, I am open to any punishment if he decides to give it.

So Mike got an idea for a special “jealousy” punishment.  He didn’t tell me what it was and said he would tell me when it became time to deliver it.  Well, that didn’t take long.

Donna shared with me some plans she and John are making for an upcoming vacation. They are deciding between several fun options ranging from a ski trip to possibly the Bahama’s, or a Southern California/LasVegas get away.  Their options are limited only by their time and money.  I got jealous of that. Mike and I could afford such trips, but it is the challenge of either finding someone to watch J, which I prefer not to do unless absolutely necessary, or finding a vacation that can both accommodate his physical needs and provide him a positive experience.  Again, really dumb for me to feel that way, but that’s my “truth” for now.

My Punishment
I shared this with Mike and he sent me to my room with a writing assignment of sorts.  I had 20 minutes to hand write a list of all the people and things I am grateful for and why – and I can’t repeat any of the “why’s.”  I was starting with a baseline of 100 spankings which would be delivered by hand and with “various” force, per Mike.  (Hand spankings are my favorite!).  He would then take off one spanking for each item I was grateful for.

At first I thought, no problem, that’s just 5 things per minute. I would be able to do that and not get spanked.  It was way harder than I thought.   The list of people and things were easy, but the “why” part was hard, especially as the list grew and I couldn’t repeat my reasons why.  After whipping (no pun intended) through about 15 in no time, I started to take longer and longer.  Penmanship always counts on writing punishments, so if I don’t write very neatly it doesn’t get counted. Plus, I didn’t have access to a thesaurus!

I got to 48, which I was very proud of.  Mike took off three because of sloppy writing, thus, I was left with 65 spankings.  I went over his knee and with Donna watching he delivered the 65.  At around 20-25 it began to sting, and starting around 40 it was beginning to be unbearable and I was flinging my body around quite a bit.  I actually like it when Mike holds me tightly and wraps his legs around mine to keep me from wriggling.  Then with about 10 to go he ramped up the force and finished with very hard ones. My ass was very red.

And that was that.  Mike said he had some variations of this in mind for future “jealousy” punishments, perhaps with different writing topics and different spanking implements.   Is it right for me to admit I kinda’ am looking forward to it?

Next: 90. Delightfully Naughty – Mike’s Date Night with Donna.