Tag Archives: love

228. Addicted to Vulnerability (psst..and a spanking story)

228

I got a spanking last Friday after almost three weeks discipline-free.  That’s a long time for me.  I enjoyed the break.  I was feeling a bit down after many transgressions to end and start the year.  Constantly failing to do as Mike expects (and I expect of myself) wears on me and I was starting to feel like I was failing.  The nice stretch of excellent obedience helped reinvigorate me.  

THE TRANSGRESSION
Mike asked me to organize a bunch of family papers…insurance, invoices, tax documents, stuff like that.  I forgot!  He linked my inattentiveness to my
prior transgression of spending too much time on the internet…”You don’t forget to log on the first chance you get, but you forget a chore I assign you.”

THE DISCIPLINE
He was working from home when he realized I failed to do as he asked.  He told me to get a paddle and the nipple clamps with the chain and come back to his office.  He put the nipple clamps on me and added some weights that pulled the chain down.  He had me bend over and he spanked me 10 times on each check with a paddle – so 20 spankings. I then had to organize the files and return when I was done (the clamps stayed on).

I returned to his office about 45 minutes later.  He removed the clamps, lectured me a bit, then told me to stand in the corner.  In about 10 minutes he called me over.  He told me to firmly affix the clamps back on my nipples myself.  He then had me bend over and said I was getting 10 more on each check and, “There will be more if the clamps fall off.”  There is always a bit of jostling to my body during a spanking.  The weighted clamps start swinging, but almost always hold.  I guess I cheated a bit and didn’t have them on as firmly as I should.  One fell off half way through, and the last one fell off on the very last strike.  Thus he gave me an additional 10 more per cheek.

In all that was 30 on each cheek, and in various spots such that my entire ass was very red.  He then peed in a glass and had me stand in the corner and he gave me a few minutes to drink it up.  It was a lot!  Luckily it wasn’t too bad, pee can be pretty tasteless at times.  Anyway, yuck, I know.  This was a bit unusual for a punishment but not unheard of and I accept it.

When I finished drinking he tightly clamped my nipples and told me to stay in the corner.  Again about ten minutes later he walked up to me and told me to take a step or two back and lean against the wall.  There was no count, but I was spanked maybe 10 or 12 more times.  He then told me to pull the clamps off…not unclasp them…simply pull until they snapped off.  Ouch!   We then had our closing ceremony and that was that.  Sore butt and sore nipples!

THE REFLECTION TRAIN
I am almost three years into my DD and find that I don’t reflect on punishments as much as a once did.  I accept them and move on.  But, with almost three weeks punishment free, it put me in the mood to ride the reflection train. 

First stop, give thanks.
Before considering a negative thought for even a nanosecond, it is best to first give thanks.  I am thankful not only for all that DD has given me — more fulfillment than I ever had in the ~24 years of marriage that preceded our DD.  But I am thankful for our routine that allows me to maintain the submissive mindset that I love and thrive in.  Spankings from our Maintenance Sessions and our “leave the house” policy (were I get a quick reminder spanking anytime I leave to go somewhere with Mike) showed their value during the almost three weeks I went without discipline.  

Second stop, doubt.
Yep, even if just for moment, I sometimes take a quick stop at the Doubt Station and wonder why.  Why do I accept this?  Why do I need this?   I think occasional doubt is healthy.  You want to allow yourself to reassess things from time to time.  It doesn’t take me long to quickly squash those doubts.  I simply think through the answer and “poof,” the doubt is gone.  I thrive being submissive, I love everything about my household environment.  ~24 years of non-DD was never as fulfilling!

Third stop, “What if?”
My mind then takes a stop at the “What if?” Station.  I tend not to stay here too long either.  Personally I find “what if” to be unproductive.  But sometimes getting lost in thought doesn’t have to be about finding personal growth.  It can just be entertaining, and playing “what if” can be like a short imaginary adventure (or nightmare).  I wonder, back when I first brought up DD – what if Mike had rejected the idea?

It wouldn’t have made him a bad person.  Clearly, this dynamic is not for everyone.  Where would I be..where would we be…without it?   Worst of all, I’d be the same controlling Jen I used to be.  Mike wouldn’t be as happy, I wouldn’t be as happy, J wouldn’t be as happy.

And beyond no DD, would it mean no Kayla in our lives?  That crushes me too – we love her so much!   And I guess we would just have continued our platonic friendly relationship with John and Donna?  Clearly no Matt, and perhaps E not opening up to us about her naturism?  My lunch bunch friends would just be lunch bunch friends, unbonded over sharing some of our deepest desires.  Sex toys?  Probably few, if any.  My nipples wouldn’t be pierced, my blog wouldn’t exist, and the list goes on and on.

I feel so fortunate that Mike was open to exploring this with me.  He met the vulnerability I was showing with vulnerability of his own.  It takes two to have a successful DD or D/s relationship.  I am so fortunate to have Mike embrace this as he has. 

Last stop, Revelation!

My mind then takes it’s longest stop in it’s journey — the  Revelation Station.  Is there something my thoughts can reveal to me that perhaps was buried in my psyche? 

It begins to reveal itself to me. 

The old Jenny was impenetrable, vulnerable to no one, but who was nourished by the vulnerability of others — some life crisis people would share with her, eliciting her advice and guidance.   On the surface you could extol positive virtues on that Jenny — helpful, caring, loving, nurturing, wise.  In hindsight, her behaviors can be seen in a more accurate light – she had a need to feed off the tragedy of others.  That’s pretty pathetic.

Sure, others received some benefit in having a compassionate shoulder to cry on, but that compassionate was more selfish — about my need to feel better about my insecurities, my shortcomings, my unstated desires, as well as to continue to cover up and suppress the desires I didn’t even recognize were in me.

It changed when I became vulnerable through DD.  Yes, I still like to talk with people about their challenges, hopes and desires, but now it is truly from a compassionate, loving place.  Through my own vulnerability, I feel complete, confident, and courageous.  I am more honest with myself than I ever imagined possible – more honest with Mike and those around me in ways that would have scared the hell out of the old Jenny. 

Honesty — yeah, that’s the courageous part.  You have to have a lot of courage to be so honest about your needs, your hopes, your desires.  It takes tremendous courage to make yourself vulnerable to someone.  But once you do and experience positive results, it becomes addictive. 

I believe that’s were my satisfaction from exhibitionism comes from.  It isn’t just about sexual exhibitionism.  It is an emotional exhibitionism.  I am thriving off making myself vulnerable.  I think that is what makes Mike so adamant about reigning me in.  As I said before, if it were up to me, I’d be putting all of this on a YouTube channel, not an anonymous blog.   

And I don’t do it because of any need for attention or “look at me.”  I do it because I discovered the key to others being truly vulnerable to you, is for you to be vulnerable to them.  It then feeds on itself.  And for a vulnerability addict like myself, provides an amazing high.   

I never really understood that before, but it makes so much sense to me.  I guess that’s why I have so many posts dedicated to vulnerability.   (67129, 134 and others. And now I get why, to fall in love with someone, you do this).  

Vulnerability is an amazing aphrodisiac .  Either that, or I am just an eccentric psycho succubus slut of a weirdo.  Humm..nah, that’s not it.  Ahem, well, maybe one out of four?  You’ll just have to guess which one.  HA!

Next: 229.  Heading to Splitsville?

224. It’s all good: Behavior, Life, Love, Openness, Nudity

224

I feel so alive right now and in such a good groove on so many levels.

BEHAVIOR IS GOOD
I haven’t been disciplined in just over two weeks now.  I didn’t even get a chance to share my last spanking, so here it is in brevity.

I told someone I email back and forth with the city in which I live.  That is a no-no, and a big one.  Mike is very tired of me pushing the limits of our privacy rules.  The spanking was significant, even more than the New Years Eve one, and include the very real threat of losing my blog if I ever again disclose things like that without his permission.  Mike has shown he does not make idle threats.   He means it.

I was going to have a post all about it but it’s been so long I no longer feel compelled to share.  Suffice to say I was feeling pretty down about it.   I feel bad for pushing Mike to the point he had to make such a “nuclear” threat.  Compounding my feelings was that it was all part of about 4-6 weeks of some major “submission” fails in my book.

It caused me to focus more intently on adhering to my commitments and it paid off – like I said, I am now just over two weeks since my last disciplining.  As much as I prefer not being disciplined, two weeks discipline-free makes me all the more thankful for our maintenance sessions!  They have been welcomed and critical to helping me stay in a submissive mindset.  

LIFE IS GOOD!
Things are great on the D/s front, I am enjoying my volunteer work, J is doing great health and behavior-wise, T2 will be graduating college in May and has two job offers he is considering (leaning towards taking one in San Diego), and T1’s upcoming nuptials fill the air with excitement.  Kayla is wrapping up her first year of grad school (excellent grades), and seems to be in a good grove with her boyfriend, Michaud.  

LOVE IS GOOD!
Mike’s work is going well, and our relationship has never been stronger.  Mike and Kayla have also become exceptionally close and it warms my heart to witness it.  And my relationship with Kayla is strong as well.

We are human, so occasionally there are petty things that come up, but we hit them head on and talk about them whenever they arise – never let them fester.  Typically it deals with differences in how Mike treats us.  We all understand we have differences in our relationships with each other, in our needs as individuals, and in what Kayla and I thrive in as submissives.  But still, there are times we need to remind ourselves to appreciate these differences and not let them interfere in our happiness. 

Thankfully, such interference is few and far between.  I only mention it so as not to paint an inaccurate picture of constant bliss.  We are human, thus subject to the frailty of human emotions.   And a poly relationship with a married couple can exploit those frailties for everyone involved.   Thus communication and love is so extra important.    Love conquers all!

OPENNESS IS GOOD
Adding to all of that, it feels wonderful to be more open with who we are.  I know this seems contrary to Mike’s fervor over online privacy.   He draws a distinction between not hiding in the real world and being “out there” online.  He was feeling it was unfair to Kayla for us to have to hide things, as if we were embarrassed by it, which we were not.  And he felt i
t would be unfair for our kids to learn of it some other way.  And as for D/s, he wasn’t  enthusiastic with sharing, but he recognized it was also too difficult to keep hidden from those that frequently interact with us. 

He also knows my proclivity to push any flexibility he showsif I had my way, I’d be on YouTube singing the praises of my lifestyle choices.  Thus he has drawn a line with what I can and can’t share online and expects me to adhere to it.  And in “real world,” he still does not want us talking about it for no reason or without his permission – and when we do, give the least amount of information as needed.

Oh, one major “openness” breakthrough with Mike has to do with Kayla.  At times when she has to be introduced, we’ve given the awkward, “She is a family friend who is staying with us until she finishes school.”  (Post 112).  This description always made us feel bad, as if we were discounting what Kayla means to us.  Now, if asked or if simply introducing her, she will be “my girlfriend, Kayla.”   Easy enough for me to get away with without people thinking anything of it, as the term has platonic connotations when I say it.  But Mike will also be saying this.  It will certainly raise some eyebrows.  I am excited for Kayla as I know it makes her feel very good – very valued – that we are willing to do this.

NUDITY IS GOOD
E’s revelation excites me.  I’ve shared a little bit about my upbringing in so far as some of the values championed by my mother than were instilled in me.  Here’s a tidbit I haven’t shared before that is both curious and humorous.  I was a child nudist!  

My parents told me my penchant for wearing my birthday suit began as soon as I was able to take my own clothes off – and even before I was potty trained.  Once i figured out I could pull a diaper off, off they came.  Suffice to say my parents had extra incentive to quickly get me potty trained. 

My mom said I would complain that clothing was “heavy and itchy.”  I think I had some overactive tactile response to clothing.  She would try to get me light and loose-fitting materials, but no avail.  By around age 5 we seemed to have negotiated an arrangement where I was always naked at home, but understood I needed to wear clothes when certain people came over or we went out.  My parents were very accommodating, never making me feel bad for wanting to be clothes free.  Their “everyone else has clothes on” seemed to convince me that I should too without feeling bad for preferring to be naked.

At the start of first grade (just turned 6) I got the “you’re a big girl now, going to school, yadda yadda. . . thus you need to start wearing clothes.”  I remember not understanding why it was a big deal to be naked at home.  I vividly remember my mom asking me at what age I think I should stop being naked around the house.  I told her, “when I have boobies because that’s what bothers people.”  I once thought this innocent answer was cute, but grew to take it as a sad commentary that still applies to society’s views on nudity.  I digress.

Growing up there wasn’t a lot of nudity (other than me) in the house, but there also wasn’t any shame in it.  If I happened to wander in at an inopportune moment, neither my parents or siblings cared – and any questions were met with age appropriate answers – much like how Mike and I run our household.  

On my seventh birthday, I boldly announced my decision to start wearing clothes around the house.  I remember it made me feel grown up to proclaim this, even though I still wanted to be naked.  At that point I confined my nudity mostly to my room.  My routine was after a bath I would dry off and stay naked as I made my way to my room and I slept in the nude.  It stayed that way all the way until college.  From there I got in the habit of wearing pajamas and pretty much retained that habit until embracing D/s.  

Today, being naked around the house has rekindled the “naturist” within me.  I loved it last year when Mike, Kayla, and I were nude on our Immersion get-away.   And now with E, I’ve found a kindred spirit in the desire to be clothes-free.  Fortunately, Mike is supportive.  We are eagerly planning a getaway this summer.

A question remains whether we will bring J with us.  We might go during the two weeks of the summer he spends at my parents.  But we also might just take him.  The nudity isn’t a concern for us, it is the accommodations.  With his disability there is a lot we have to consider, from accessibility, dietary needs, and entertainment.  If we can find the right place, we may take him, otherwise, we won’t.

Oh, this reminds me of a skinny dipping story of my youth!  Perhaps on my next post!

Post 225. Pansexual (and a skinny dip story)

202. A Weighty Subject (of Fairness)

202

There are several things I want to write about.  I want to “unpack” some emotions and reflections on my misbehavior per my prior post.  I also want to talk about Kayla and what she was referring to in the statement she made (also from my prior post).   So, with that, I think I’ll start with something else completely. HA HA!

QUARTERLY GOAL
Our new DD Contract provides for Mike to set Quarterly Goals for me.  “Such goals are to be focused on Jennifer’s self improvement…”   As I shared, Mike’s first goal for me was to lose 18 pounds by January 18.  The Quarterly Goal falls under the Respect Mike as Head of Household subsection of our Obedience clause.  Missing the goal would result in a punishment since it would be disobedient of me to fail.

18.3 pounds to be exact.  I started at 153.3 pounds, goal is 135. I am 136.8

I am confident I’ll make it.  The pounds have come off more slowly lately but 1.8 pounds in two weeks is doable.   Mike is going to weigh me three times on the 18th (morning, afternoon, and evening) and take an average.  Oh, in case you are wondering, I am 5’6″.  By the way, I weighed between 160-165 for most of my 40’s.  I slowly lost weight about the time our DD started in 2015.  I wasn’t dieting or focusing on it.  It was the byproduct of simply taking better care of myself and being more active.

I feel great and found it easier to lose than I anticipated.  I think my submissive mindset helped.  It also helped that Mike held me to an exercise regimen else I could be punished – I always kept to my exercise schedule.  Also, Mike made me ask him for permission if I wanted a treat — an occasional cookie or whatever.  I never had to ask because I never wanted such treats.  

HOLD ON, DID YOU SAY YOUR HUSBAND MADE YOU LOSE WEIGHT?
I feel compelled to share my thoughts on Mike’s choice of weight loss as my first goal.  If you think the topic of being a submissive wife isn’t incendiary enough, throw in a husband’s demands about their wife’s appearance and you have a very incendiary topic.  It reeks of self-serving misogyny,  a furthering of the chauvinistic patriarchy.   It serves to objectify women which deepens the blame women get for the lustful and licentious urges of men.  It promotes women as vixens, as sirens, as monsters.

Or not.   Yeah, I guess it could be all those things, or could just be that Mike has a preference regarding my appearance and I am happy to oblige. 

My submission is about Mike’s preferences; mundane preferences regarding the household or bigger topics like sex, my behavior, or even about my personal appearance and weight.   I’ve loved the new “dress code” and I love the thinner me.  And it’s not like I am thin.  I am a good weight, not thin, not to fat.

If Mike were to ask me to lose more I would consider it, but could “veto.”  We agreed that I can use a safe word on any Quarterly Goal if I felt I could not handle it or it became too burdensome to continue.  As for the next Quarterly Goal, well, Mike hasn’t said what he has in mind.

WHAT’S GOOD FOR THE GOOSE?
If you recall, Mike committed to losing 12 himself.  He didn’t have to but said he wanted to provide a “supportive” environment.  Well, he is falling short.  He has lost eight and I don’t see four coming off in the next two weeks.  Obviously there is no consequences for him other than I win bragging rights.   Now is that fair?   

FAIRNESS IN D/s
I first wrote about the concept of fairness in D/s in Post 136. Submitted Wife.  I’ll try not to repeat myself.

Is it fair that Mike does not have to suffer consequences for not meeting his weight commitment?   In fact, is it fair that he doesn’t have consequences for any of his mistakes or negative behavior?  Why should I get spanked while he gets off without even a slap on the wrist?   D/s seems inherently unfair.

I imagine this idea of “unfairness” is hard for some new submisssives to accept.  To those who see it as unfiar I say that D/s is very fair.  Any idea of unfairness, while understandable, is framed in a distorted view of what “fair” means.       

I believe those who see it as unfair are confusing Fairness with Sameness.  Yes, roles and responsibilities are not the same in D/s, but that doesn’t make them inherently unfair.  I have taken on a unique role in our household, and Mike also has a unique role.  They are not the same, they require different types of commitments, thus must be judged by different criteria.  They both have consequences, but those consequences are different.

It has happened many times where I have been punished for a behavior that Mike has been guilty of too.  That is not the point.  His behavior is not in question with the roles and responsibilities we have established.   His behavior is not relevant to my Duties and Obligations – Duties and Obligations that I helped create and that I committed to.  It is no different from if some other woman behaved contrary to my rules.  So what!?!!?  It is not relevant to my performance of my Duties and Obligations.

Mike has said that punishing me for behaviors he is guilty of actually has an impact on him.  He does reflect on it and it gives him resolve to not repeat it.  But that is a by-product of a healthy D/s relationship.  It isn’t a stated requirement.

And consider that Mike has his own set of duties and obligations that differ from mine.  He has to consider the impact of his decisions.  The impact on me, on Kayla, on our relationship.  It is a big responsibility.  He has to make difficult decisions, such as what occurred in the last post, knowing those decisions could anger or disappoint me or Kayla.  With power comes great responsibility.

Yes, I find it fair that Mike is subject to his own self-discipline regarding his behavior, and that I am subject to his physical discipline regarding mine.   That’s how D/s works.  Sure, corporal punishment is the technique used to guide my behavior and reduce conflict, but that reduction in conflict gives space to love, adoration, respect, and fulfillment.  The “Discipline” in Domestic Discipline is love. Sounds fair to me.

NEXT: 203. The S*ck and F*ck Mystery

189. Happiness, Pleasure, Love, Intimacy, Sex: Jenny rambles

189

Don’t hold someone else responsible for your happiness or pleasure.

This has been my personal credo without really knowing it.  While I may not have always consistently lived it,  I believe Mike and I have been successful in instilling this in our children.  I believe it comes from my mom’s credo of “Love Life, Every Moment, Every Day.”  But it was Kayla that helped me fully connect to my version of that.  As my mom passed her credo on to me, I have passed my version of it on to my kids.  And, in less than a year, Kayla has come to not only understand it, but to believe in it and incorporate it into her being.  The impact has been significant.

I started this post with the intent of talking about my views on sex.  As I wrote, it morphed into something else.  So, there are two parts to this post.  The first half is a bit of a ramble inspired by the second half, which is where I finally get to my intended topic.

Oh, this is a bit of a divergence from the Kayla-Michaud saga.  I do have a little update to share on that.  But that will be for another post.   

NEW KAYLA
Gone is insecurity.  Gone is harmful behaviors.  Gone is anxiety, especially around groups.  Gone is bottled up emotions.  Gone is indecisiveness.  The list goes on.  It’s been quite a transformation in the last ten months.  And she looks more healthy.  Her body language and general “glow” about her personifies her new found positive energy.

From her manifesto, to how she has handled every aspect of our relationship over the last ten months, to how she is handling Michaud thus far — Simply put, she has found herself and is pleased with what she has found.

She deserves the credit as she forced herself to open up.  She accepted significant changes in her environment.  She allowed her perceptions about life and herself to be challenged (that is extremely difficult for anyone!).  Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable requires a lot of strength.   There’s that “vulnerability” thing again.  I seem to write a lot about its’ power (Posts 67, 68, 129, 134 to name a few).

I believe I’ve come to realize that vulnerability is the path to taking responsibility for your happiness and pleasure.  Vulnerability is about opening up your complete and true self and then taking responsibility for your complete and true self.  In so doing, you allow your complete and true self to be your core source of happiness and pleasure. 

ISN’T IT IRONIC?
A bit of irony with this creed is that if it is not already instilled within you, it may require the help of someone else to help you fully live it, as it did for Kayla.  I believe some of you may say, “But Jenny, the irony doesn’t end there.  Isn’t Domestic Discipline all about giving up responsibility of yourself to your husband?”

My unequivocal answer is, “NO! Not even close.”

Pre-DD I thought I was living both this creed and my mother’s.  While I guess I was to some degree, I was inconsistent and failed to realize something extremely important to living this creed.  Simply, the creed applies to others as well.  I am not responsible for OTHER’s happiness and pleasure.   It wasn’t until I embraced DD that I truly was focused on my happiness and pleasure first.  

My DD was about taking responsibility for all the things that got in the way of my happiness and pleasure.  More specifically, my behaviors and thinking (i.e. my “intentions”) were the source of my unhappiness. (Post 30. I Found my Thrill is all about that).

In Domestic Discipline, we codify our behaviors and thinking under headings like Honesty, Obedience, and Safety.  And we refer to violations of these things as being “Disobedient.”  We then take responsibility for those violations through what we call “Discipline.”  We allow someone to administer that Discipline.  The disciplinarian is not responsible for our actions and happiness.  

For as much as I have been referring to our “3.0 DD” as no longer being “mine,” I now realize it is still totally mine.  I am responsible for it.  Mike in many ways is simply the administrator of it.  That is not to diminish the importance of his role.  It simply recognizes that ultimately, it is still DD, Jenny Style.

Okay.  I didn’t intend to go that route with this post, but it was a nice realization for me and it connects things full circle back to vulnerability and letting go of my intentions (which I touch on in all those posts I’ve linked to throughout the post thus far).

Now then, I intended to share how this creed ties into my views on sex.  So, let’s talk about sex!

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
Mike, Kayla, and I talk about sex with the casualness typically reserved for talking about the weather or what to have for dinner.  We were having one of these conversations in the context of Kayla’s impending coitus with Michaud.  I thought my take on things might be of interest.

This is a bit disjointed as these were snippets of thoughts I had throughout the conversation, which was too lengthy (and boring) to share in full.  But, I think it conveys some of my “major talking points.”  Ha.

Here it comes again.  It starts will vulnerability!  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable in order to truthfully and completely talk about sex.  I believe people who openly and honestly engage in a discussion about the physical feelings of sex along with the issues of both intimacy and passion are the ones most likely to have a thriving and fulfilling sex life.  It takes a lot of vulnerability to have such a discussion.

In my opinion, an otherwise healthy relationship can be a healthy sexual relationship if you recognize that love, intimacy, and sex can go hand in hand, but doesn’t have to.  If we expect them to all be one and the same, we’re likely to be unhappy and likely to make our partner unhappy.  Recognizing that can help solve a lot of problems both in and outside of our relationships.

If we come to relationships understanding that great love doesn’t always equate to great sex — and — that sex isn’t an automatic by-product of intimacy —  and — love can exist beautifully with or without intimacy or with or without sex or particular sexual acts — and — sex can exist beautifully with or without love — and — making love, intimacy, and sex all work together takes some effort, and such effort should always be enjoyable, enlightening and engaging — and— here it comes, We are Solely Responsible for our Own Happiness and Pleasure. . . including happiness and pleasure from sex, love, and intimacy  — if we do all of that, then, I believe we can have a sex life full of true happiness, pleasure, and fulfillment.

MANAGING ISN’T INSTIGATING
I believe many people never buy into that, especially women.  Instead, many people simply manage their happiness, manage their pleasure, manage their sex, love, and intimacy.  They work within unspoken assumptions that they have and that they misinterpret (but never question).  Those can be assumptions about themselves, or about their partner.  They never venture outside these assumptions.  They never test or even speak about those assumptions.  The thought of open dialogue about such things creates a vulnerability that is too great to imagine. Thus, you continue to just get along and manage instead of engaging and growing.

INSTIGATING MY HAPPINESS
That’s where I was pre-DD.  I assumed I was “loving life, every moment every day.”  But as soon as I woke up and realized I wasn’t truly fulfilled, I immediately responded with my own creed.   I took responsibility for my happiness and pleasure. . . . as well as sex, intimacy, and love.  And in my first step towards “waking up” I had to become vulnerable to myself.  I explored my thoughts and challenged my assumptions about happiness and pleasure.  I then made myself vulnerable to Mike and explored and challenged those things with him.

Taking responsibility forces you to allow yourself to be vulnerable.  I became the instigator of my happiness.  I “forced” Mike and I to address things we never addressed before.  We talked about what happiness was for us, what pleasure was for us (both sexual and otherwise).  We freed ourselves to share and act on many thoughts and desires.  In doing so I instigated our growth, our evolution, our intimacy, and our sexual adventure.

MY ADVICE
Become the instigator of your happiness, of your love, of your pleasure.  Again, not saying you do that through DD or any kink. That’s where it led me and it’s worked wonders, but I am sure it leads to many different paths that have a common theme — fulfillment and joy in life!

Okay, enough of my rambles. I’ve got a cute story to share re Kayla and Michaud.  Next post!

NEXT: 190. Web Cam Virgin

 

 

174. My DD 3.0: Domestic Discipline Contract

Sign
I am proud of my Contract and strongly encourage every couple to codify their obligations to each other, with or without the kink.  The process itself is such an amazing and bonding experience.

Want to see our prior agreement?  Click here

WHY 3.0?
Our first agreement, good for 30 days, was March 17, 2015, followed by our second that was for six months.  Those constitute “1.0” versions of our dynamic.  Our third and much more comprehensive Agreement was for two years, expiring October 17, 2017.  That was our “2.0” version.   Our new Agreement, marking a significant shift in our dynamic, is therefore  “3.0,” and runs through March 17,  2019 (I’ll use another post to share why we picked that date).

I shared tips on how we approached our 2015 contract (Post. 10. My Approach to Our DD Contract), and while those tips still apply, there were different considerations this time.    This was waaaay longer than we intended, but we introduce things that are unfamiliar to us and thus they required more specificity to properly communicate expectations – especially in defining Obedience and what it means to respect Mike as Head of Household.  (oh boy – that section is the longest!)

SIGNING CEREMONY
We call a Renegotiation Session into order, meaning all rules are suspended.  We review and make sure we are both ready to sign.  We then get the existing agreement and we go outside, put it in the barbecue pit, and light it on fire.  We watch it completely burn.  In that moment, our relationship has no written commitment codifying what our DD means to us.  We then go inside and sign the new agreement.

This ceremony symbolizes the new Agreement is not just a continuation of our DD, but a new beginning for our DD.   Sappy I know, but this ritual, like most rituals, is a powerful and uplifting thing for the mind.

Hopefully the formatting is okay as WordPress does some funky things when you cut and paste.  Also, we are signing it tonight and may still find a few typos and things which we will correct before signing.  But here is where it stands as of this posting.  Without further babbling, get out your popcorn and settle in, as this is a long one.

OUR DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE CONTRACT

TABLE OF CONTENTS

I. Purpose
II. Definitions
III. Effective Date, Term, and Renegotiation
IV. General Duties and Obligations
V. Jennifer’s Specific Duties and Obligations
VI. Discipline
VII. Maintenance Sessions
Exhibit A.  Mantras

Whereas Mike and Jennifer voluntarily and without pressure from the other or from anyone else, are entering into a loving, caring, and consensual agreement regarding their obligations to one another for the Purpose stated below.

SECTION I. PURPOSE

Through this Agreement, Mike and Jennifer create a caring, consensual, and fair set of obligations and duties that reinforce their commitments to one another.  This Agreement facilitates Jennifer’s desires to serve Mike in ways that help Jennifer live the life she desires for herself and to allow her to love life, every moment, and every day.

Mike’s statement of intent: Jennifer, I love you without limitation or condition.  I admire and respect all that you do for me and our family.  I commit to always treating you in the manner you want to be treated.  Thank you for the incredible trust and confidence you place in me, and most importantly, for your love.  I intend to consistently adhere to your wishes in helping you be the person you strive to be. 

Jennifer’s statement of intent: Mike, words fail to fully express my thanks and the  joy, admiration, and fulfillment I receive in all you have done and continue to do for me.  I wholeheartedly enter into this Agreement with you as the next chapter in my desire to submit to you.  I look forward to consistently meeting my commitments with your leadership to guide me.  I intend to surrender myself to you because my love, respect, and trust in you is without end.

SECTION II. DEFINITIONS

  1. DISOBEDIENCE:  A violation by Jennifer of her Duties and Obligations. 
  2. DISCIPLINE: A consequence of Jennifer’s Disobedience. Other commonly understood terms for such consequences include but are not limited to “punishment,” “penalty,” spanking,” and “reprimand.”   The forms of Discipline are  specified in Section VI.7.  

SECTION III. EFFECTIVE DATE, TERM, AND RENEGOTIATION

  1. TERM: Mike and Jennifer agree to these terms effective October 17, 2018.  These terms remain valid until changed by the Renegotiation Process and subject to the Renegotiation Date.
  2. RENEGOTIATION DATE:  Mike and Jennifer shall meet no later than March 17, 2019 (“Renegotiation Date”), to discuss renegotiation of this Agreement. If the parties are unable to meet by the Renegotiation Date, both parties must mutually agree on an alternative Renegotiation Date.  Any alternative date must be set no later than April 17, 2019.  Failure to meet or renegotiate by that date will result in automatic renewal of the contract under its present terms and the Renegotiation Date will be reset by one full year, to March 17, 2020.  If future Renegotiation Dates do not result in completion of the Renegotiation Process, the contract will continue to automatically renew in one-year increments in perpetuity with the Renegotiation Date date being reset each renewal by one full year.  If either party purposely avoids a Renegotiation, this contract can be terminated with cause by either Jennifer or Mike by April 17, in the year the Renegotiation was avoided.
  3. RENEGOTIATION MEETING:   Mike and Jennifer will  discuss and agree upon any desired changes to this Agreement.  It is not a critique of anyone’s past performance under the Agreement and discussions are focused on what is desired for the future.  Notwithstanding, Jennifer is free to express herself, bound only by Section III of this Agreement.  She begins the Renegotiation Discussions on equal terms as Mike, no longer submissive to him.   Jennifer speaks first to recognizes that she is the author of this Agreement and can consider Mike’s input at her discretion.  If the meeting must continue into a second or subsequent meeting, Jennifer will declare, “This Renegotiating Meeting will continue on {stated date and/or time} and I am once again bound by our existing Agreement.”  Upon that declaration, the Suspension of Agreement ends and this entire Agreement is in full effect until  Mike calls the next Renegotiation meeting to order.  Once the Agreement is signed, Jennifer will then declare, “This Renegotiation Meeting is now over and I am bound by our new Agreement.” 

SECTION IV. GENERAL DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

  1. FOR JENNIFER:  Jennifer shall, at all times, be Honest, Obedient, and Safe in her daily life, and to adhere to all aspects regarding the moral commitments she has made under this Agreement.  It is Jennifer’s expressed and unqualified intent to be accountable to Mike for any and all of her behaviors.  Jennifer shall defer to Mike’s judgement in determining if her behavior is Disobedient and defer to Mike’s judgement in determining proper Discipline.  If Jennifer has any concerns about Mike’s execution of her Discipline, she will respectively discuss it only during Maintenance Sessions.  Jennifer accepts Mike’s commands not because she is any less than Mike, but because Jennifer accepts Mike’s authority over her
  2. FOR MIKE:  Mike shall strive to never hesitate to hold Jennifer accountable for her behavior.  Mike commits to sharing his desires with Jennifer, however prurient, patriarchal, or misogynistic they may be interpreted by Jennifer or others, and Mike will inform Jennifer if he demands her to help fulfill those desires.  When Disciplining Jennifer, Mike will strive to maintain a professional businesslike tone, avoiding a condescending or degrading tone.  This reflects that Mike is in control of both Jennifer and himself.

V.  JENNIFER’S SPECIFIC DUTIES AND OBLIGATIONS

Jennifer’s Duties and Obligations consist of Honesty, Obedience and Safety.

  1. HONESTY:  Jennifer’s shall always be unquestionably honest with Mike.  Evaluating her honesty is at Mike’s discretion.  Any doubt as to Jennifer’s honesty is sufficient to be labeled as dishonest.  Dishonesty includes embellishment, withholding whole or part of the truth, and failure to share with Mike things he deems important for him to know.
    .
  2. OBEDIENCE:  Includes (1) Respect Mike as Head of Household, (2) Physical Self Care, (3) Emotional Self-Care, (4) Finances.
    1. .RESPECT MIKE AS HEAD OF HOUSEHOLD consists of 10 (ten) components:
      1.  Respectful Tone and Acknowledgement:  Jennifer shall maintain, at all times, whether in public or in private, a respectful tone in speaking to Mike; avoiding a tone that Mike interprets as rude, dismissive, irritated, impatient, or is in any way displeasing to him;  responding to Mike with “Yes Sir” or “No Sir” or “Thank you, Sir” as appropriate;  never cuss at Mike.
      2. Promptness:  Jennifer shall do what Mike tells her without hesitation and without body language that Mike may interpret as rude, dismissive, or that conveys that Jennifer is in any way inconvenienced by Mike’s request, or is in any way displeasing to Mike.  This includes  instructions Mike gives on any topic, any time, in any place.
      3. Sexual Obedience:  Mike may demand any sexual or physical act to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.  Jennifer may use the next Maintenance Session to air her concerns and request any modifications or cessation of a particular act that Mike demanded.  Mike shall comply with Jennifer’s request.  Jennifer must share all sexual thoughts, dreams desires, or fantasies she has.
      4. Homemaker:  Jennifer shall remain joyfulscheduled, and optimized regarding her homemaker duties which include but are not limited to; laundry, dishes, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming, ironing, cleaning bathrooms and organization of rooms, drawers, closets, pantry, refrigerator, etc.   
        1. Joyful: Jennifer shall never refer or imply to anyone that her Homemaker duties are a burden or inconvenience. 
        2. Scheduled:  Jennifer shall create, maintain, and adhere to a written schedule of chores, errands, and events and submit the schedule and any changes for Mike’s editing and approval.  The schedule shall include at least one schedule masturbation by Jennifer per Section V.2.3.4  Jennifer will not watch television, talk on the phone, or do anything to otherwise “relax” when the schedule is not complete.  Jennifer is allowed to have the radio on while she performs her duties and can ask Mike’s permission to have the television on.  Jennifer shall not behave in a manner that increases any household chores such as leaving trash on tables or counters, leaving dishes or cups out on end tables, towels on the floor, etc.
        3. Optimized: Jennifer shall research the optimal way to perform various duties, such as folding fitted sheets or any other household task.  She will share such research with Mike and incorporate what she learned, as well as Mike’s preferences, into her methods.
      5. Mantras Jennifer shall begin each morning and end each evening by reciting Morning Mantra or Evening Mantra three times as per Exhibit A.  If Mike is home she will recite it in his presence.   If Mike is not home, she will recite them out loud to herself and text Mike that she has completed her Mantra.  Jennifer’s Morning Mantra shall be the first words she speaks for the day, and her Evening Mantra shall be her last.  If she speaks again that evening, she will again have to repeat her Evening Mantra so that it remains her last spoken words of the day.  Any mistakes or failure to recite the Mantra subjects Jennifer to Discipline.
      6. Availability and Awareness. Jennifer shall let Mike know where she is going to be if she is not home or attending a scheduled event.  She is to provide Mike an appropriate and timely reminder of scheduled events she attends outside the house.  She must keep her cell phone battery charged and have a way for Mike to reach her at any time.  Jennifer shall ask Mike’s permission before doing something that could mean a change in the usual routine or that implies a delay in the performance of her Duties and Obligations.
      7. Permission: Jennifer shall ask Mike’s permission when; leaving the house for other than scheduled errands, faced with decisions regarding her social calendar, such as friends asking her to lunch, when a repairman asks for approval on work to be done, or when family members make a request of her time.  When such decisions are needed she is to let the person know using wording similar to:  “I need to check with my husband.” or, “I’d love to, let me check with Mike.”
      8. Deference:  Consistent with the respectfulness, dutifulness, and obedience that Jennifer desires, Jennifer shall defer to Mike’s judgement on any matter that Mike and Jennifer may disagree on.  She may calmly discuss the matter at a Maintenance Session and any discussion ends when Mike says it ends, and any decision he makes will be accepted by Jennifer. 
      9. Loyalty:   Jennifer shall never complain to others about Mike or her Duties and Responsibilities.  Complaining includes coming across as burdened, frustrated, annoyed, or inconvenienced by Mike or by her Duties and Responsibilities.  Any of Jennifer’s concerns or complaints should be aired only to Mike.   Further, accounts Jennifer provides to others regarding Mike or her Duties and Obligations should always be done in positive terms with reverence and joy.
      10. Quarterly Goals  Every three months Mike shall set a specific goal or assignment for Jennifer that is focused on her inner peace or development as a submissive.   It may take any form Mike requires as accepting any task is part of Jennifer’s development as a submissive. 
    2. PHYSICAL SELF-CARE  consists of four components:
      1. Physical Well-Being:  Jennifer shall look after her physical well-being; bathing, brushing and flossing teeth (no cavities),  maintaining weight acceptable to Mike, exercising to Mike’s satisfaction, going to regular doctor, dental, optometrist, or other medical appointments, taking medications as prescribed, getting the flu shot, maintaining OTC meds (vitamins, etc.), and getting good rest, including adhering to a bedtime prescribed by Mike.
      2. Physical Appearance Jennifer shall maintain a physical appearance pleasing to Mike and subject to all his demands.  These demands include but are not limited to; maintaining hair that is combed, neat, and styled to Mike’s liking, maintaining or attaining a healthy weight, putting on sufficient make up as early in the morning as reasonable, and maintaining pubic hair according to Mike’s wishes, whether that be to partially or wholly shave, trim, shape, or grow out.
      3. Attire:  Jennifer shall be fully nude unless given permission by Mike to the contrary, with Mike’s implied permission whenever children or company is present or expected.  When dressed, whether in public or in private, Jennifer shall dress consistent to Mike demands, including whether or not she is to wear a bra or panties.  Jennifer shall always ask Mike’s permission to remove her nipple piercings.
      4. Gracefulness: Jennifer shall Walk Gracefully, Sit Down Smoothly, and assume a Pretty Sitting Posture, both in public and in private.  Exception:  Section VI.3 applies in lieu of this section 4. Gracefulness regarding her demeanor when being disciplined.
        1. Walk Gracefully:  Jennifer shall glide as she walks, holding her head high, remain vertical from hips up, swing out from hips smoothly, keep stride moderate, point feet in a straight line.  She will not drag or click heels or feet, over swing arms, over reach stride, or drop heels or feet with a thud.  Her head will be up, not slanted to either side, and she will not sway her hips unnecessarily.  
        2. Sit Down Smoothly: When preparing to sit, Jennifer shall touch the back of her knees to the seat of the chair, then, without sticking her buttocks out, gently lower herself keeping erect.  Once lowered, she will smoothly glide back into the chair, avoiding wiggling back into the chair with snake hips. If her skirt needs straightening, she failed to sit down smoothly and can gently and discreetly adjust her skirt as needed, avoiding flinging or flopping it in the air. 
        3. Pretty Sitting Posture:  Jennifer shall keep her ankles together or cross, and shall not cross at the knee.  She is to sit tall, with one hand over the other, either in her lap or just to the left or right.
    3.  EMOTIONAL SELF-CARE Consists of five components: 
      1. FeelingsJennifer shall avoid overextending her time and emotions to other family members or friends. Jennifer shall comply with any demand from Mike regarding decreasing or eliminating her attention on others.  Jennifer shall always share negative feelings she may be having about any person, experience, or subject.  Such negative feelings include but are not limited to anxiety, boredom, irritation, sadness, stress, and jealousy.  Any cussing by Jennifer for any reason at any time will be deemed a failure to properly express her feelings. 
      2. Relationships: Jennifer shall maintain healthy, positive relationships with friends and family.  Jennifer will cutoff from relationships that Mike believes are unhealthy; however, Maintenance Sessions can be used for open and respectful dialogue and Mike must allow Jennifer to make reasonable attempts to improve a questionable relationship before Mike forbids the relationship.
      3. Workload:  Jennifer shall only take on tasks she can handle.  It is at Mike’s discretion to determine if she has taken on too much.  Behaviors Jennifer is known to exhibit when over worked include but are not limited to: missed deadlines, missed appointments, leaving the house without her cell phone or other items needed for that errand, not keeping personal belongings clean and in working order (if broken, repairs must be quickly arranged).  Other indicators are at Mike’s discretion to identify and for Jennifer to self-report as soon as she begins to feel burdened, even if her feeling of burden is in relation to her Duties and Obligations.
      4. Masturbation: Jennifer shall masturbate alone and to climax twice a week not including any demands from Mike that she masturbate.  One masturbation session must be written into her weekly written Homemaker Schedule per Section V.2.1.4.2.
      5. Journaling: Jennifer must maintain a hand written daily journal addressing these topics
        1. Jennifer’s reflection on significant events of the day, including any Discipline she may have received that day. 
        2. Any Disobedient act of Jennifer’s that Mike was not aware of.
        3. Insights into her twice-weekly required masturbations, including details of when, where, how, and for how long she masturbated. 
        4. Detailed account of any sexual activity she had with anyone other than Mike if Mike was not present during the activity.
        5. Points of clarity she is seeking regarding any topic Jennifer wants to address at Maintenance.
      6. Unsubmissive Daily Journal: Separate from the journal per Section V.2.3.5, Jennifer must maintain a hand written journal of any unsubmissive thoughts she had that day
    4. FINANCES: Jennifer  shall keep within her budget and never make household purchases beyond basic necessities, as defined by Mike, such as food and toiletries without Mike’s permission, regardless of the cost of the item.  If something needs to be returned, she is to promptly return it.  She is not leave lights on in a room if she is the last to exit and she is not to waste water or any household materials.
  3. SAFETY consists of the following:
    1. RISK OF ACCIDENT, INJURY, OR THEFT: Jennifer shall not engage in activities that increase the risk of accident or injury to herself or others.  This includes but is not limited to any traffic violations whether ticketed or not, leaving a pan on the stove, texting while driving, using the cell phone in other than hands free while driving, or unsafe activities such as leaving things on the floor that present a trip hazard (whether or not anyone actually has tripped), or standing on a ladder without someone being there for support. Further, if Jennifer breaks something, Mike will determine if it was reasonable to assume her action could have led to the breakage.  Jennifer shall never run out of gas while driving, shall make sure the house is locked when she leaves it unoccupied, and shall make sure the garage door is closed after she comes home.
    2. RISK OF JUDGMENT OF FAMILY OR FRIENDS:  Jennifer and Mike recognize that others may unfairly judge them for their DD lifestyle, or may misconstrue the meaning of that lifestyle such that Jennifer or Mike may be at risk of harm or being thought ill of.  However, Jennifer and Mike do not want the burden of hiding their true relationship.  Therefore, Jennifer and Mike will adhere to the terms of this Agreement in public.  While in public, Mike may choose to defer Discipline as he deems appropriate.  Jennifer shall not share aspects of their relationship that are considered Domestic Discipline, Dominant/submissive, Polyamorous, Swinging, or any other kink, unless Jennifer has Mike’s permission.   

SECTION VI: DISCIPLINE

  1. GENERAL GUIDELINES:
    1. MIKE’S AUTHORITY:  Jennifer grants Mike full and ultimate authority to determine the appropriate Discipline Jennifer is to receive.  Mike may use his discretion to provide any Discipline not explicitly defined or explained in this Agreement.
    2. DISPUTES: If Jennifer feels her Discipline was not consistent with the intent or spirit of this Agreement, she is to say nothing at the time of the Discipline and accept it without complaint or use her Safe Words to modify or stop the Discipline.  She can then use the next Maintenance Session to discuss her concerns about the Discipline she received.
    3. SAFE WORDS:  Jennifer can use two safe words when receiving Discipline.  Use of a safe word will not subject Jennifer to additional Discipline for her use of said safe word.
      1. Yellow instructs Mike to pause.  Mike will ask Jennifer if it is okay to resume that specific activity that caused her to call “Yellow” or if he needs to alter the Discipline.  The Discipline will not resume until Jennifer indicates it is okay to either proceed with the Discipline that was being given or she indicates that different Discipline is needed.
      2. Red instructs Mike to stop. Mike can choose to defer the Discipline until a later time or call the Discipline as complete. If Mike wishes to resume the Discipline at a later time, Jennifer is free to continue using safe words to pause or stop the Discipline.    
    4. HARD LIMITS:  Jennifer may alter, add, or remove any Hard Limits at any time.  Current hard limits include:  Blood, Branding, Breath Play, Gun Play, Fire Play, Knife Play, Piercing (in the context of play or Discipline), and Scat.
  2. DISCIPLINE TIMING/LOCATION: Mike will strive to promptly administer all Discipline.  When Mike determines it is not possible to quickly administer Discipline, it will be administered as soon as reasonably possible.  Jennifer agrees to be subject to Discipline at any time, at any place, without regard to how public or private it may be, regardless who else may be present, and regardless the type of Discipline Mike chooses to administer, whether verbal, physical, bare bottom, or otherwise.  If Mike is comfortable administering the Discipline at a given time and place, Jennifer must accept the Discipline in that given time and place.  When Discipline is provided at home and Mike directs Jennifer to go to her room, it will follow the Discipline Ceremony as per Section V.4.; otherwise, it will follow Section V.5. 
  3. DISCIPLINE INTEGRITY: Discipline shall be given in a calm, purposeful, and resolved manner.  Mike shall determine the type, duration, and intensity of the Discipline necessary for Jennifer to be Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered.  Jennifer’s demeanor and body language shall be consistent with being Reflective, Remorseful, and Surrendered, and is subject to Mike’s interpretation.  Mike shall perform appropriate After Care and perform the Closing Ceremony to mark the end of that Discipline.
    1. Remorseful: Jennifer should feel remorse, not sorrow. Her remorse is expected to be for both letting Mike down for failing to be Obedient, and for letting herself down for failing to be submissive to Mike’s needs. Jennifer encourages Mike to lecture her to help her feel remorse for her behavior and mold future behavior, subject to Section IV. 2.
    2. Surrendered: Jennifer must be physically surrendered while being Disciplined, granting Mike the complete ability to deliver the Discipline.  This means no pulling away, pushing Mike’s hand, or in any way interfering with the Discipline. Unless instructed otherwise, Jennifer will avoid eye contact with Mike.  If she is standing, her head and eyes should be facing downward with her hands clasped behind her back. Jennifer encourages Mike to verbally demand her to present and maintain specific surrendered postures.
    3. .After care: Mike is to comfort Jennifer by cuddling her and maintaining a comforting mindset with affirming words of love and commitment. No lecturing during After Care as all the focus is on expressing love for Jennifer and reassuring all is forgiven. 
    4. Closing Ceremony:  At the completion of the Discipline, Mike will say, “All is forgiven.”  Jennifer will respond, “All is forgiven.”  This serves as a sign that Mike has forgiven her and that Jennifer has forgiven herself.   Further, Mike harbors no negative feelings towards Jennifer for her need for Discipline, and Jennifer harbors no negative feeligns towards Mike for his administering Discipline.  Life moves on in peace.   
      .
  4. DISCIPLINE CEREMONY:  When Jennifer is directed to go to her room to be Disciplined.
    1. Upon entering the room Jennifer will lock the door if children are in the house and completely disrobe. 
    2. Jennifer shall stand facing the designated corner waiting for Mike. Absent any other instructions from Mike regarding her posture, her default posture will be to stand upright, with her hands to her side, palms open and touching the side of her legs. 
    3. Jennifer will unlock the door upon Mike’s knock and without making eye contact, return to her corner.  Mike may remain silent and leave Jennifer in the corner until he is ready to continue.  Jennifer is to remain silent. Mike may instruct Jennifer to retrieve an implement or he may have already retrieved one.  Mike will call Jennifer over.
    4. Jennifer is to remain silent and kneel down in front of Mike with her eyes open and her head bowed.
    5. Mike speaks first and asked Jennifer to state why she is being Disciplined.  Jennifer must look up and into Mike’s eyes and accurately state why.   If she does not know or is inaccurate, Mike may choose to increase the severity of the Discipline.  When Jennifer speaks she must speak clearly and matter-of-factly so that Mike can easily hear.  While maintaining eye contact with Mike, Jennifer must recite her Discipline Mantra per Exhibit A.  Jennifer is then to return to bowing her head and avoiding eye contact until After Care.
    6. Mike shall thank Jennifer for recognizing her Disobedience and her acceptance of his leadership and authority.  Mike may begin or continue to lecture Jennifer, subject to Section IV. 2.  
    7. Mike will instruct Jennifer as to the position she must take.  Mike will then administer the Discipline and may continue lecturing throughout.  
    8. Appropriate After-Care and Closing Ceremony as per Section VI.3.3 and Section VI.3.4.
      .
  5. IMMEDIATE DISCIPLINE:  When Mike administers Discipline on the spot, without sending Jennifer to her room.
    1. Mike will provide Jennifer instructions regarding a location suitable to him to provide the Discipline, including on the spot she where she stands.  She is to follow Mike’s instructions regarding the removal of any or all clothing and as to what position she is to take.     
    2. Jennifer is not to object or speak. She is only to immediately comply without regard to the surroundings.
    3. Mike will deliver her initial Discipline.  Immediate Discipline is given without warm up, with strokes that are in quick succession and continue as long as Mike wishes.   The intent is to create a sort of “Shock and Awe” such that Jennifer knows that she may be subject to quick and immediate Discipline the moment she is Disobedient. 
    4. Mike will ask Jennifer why she is being Disciplined.  Mike will administer additional Discipline if Jennifer is uncertain or incorrect.  Mike will then explain to Jennifer why she earned the Discipline. 
    5. Mike will then Discipline Jennifer a final time. 
    6. Appropriate After Care and Closing Ceremony per Section VI.3.4 and Section VI.3.5.
      .
  6. MAINTENANCE DISCIPLINE: All Maintenance Sessions will begin and end with a spanking at Mike’s discretion.  These are not intended as punishment, but as a reminder of Jennifer’s submission and to provide her appropriate release as per Mike’s discretion. 
  7. CATEGORIES OF DISCIPLINE 
    1. SPANKING DISCIPLINE consists of Jennifer being spanked with an implement of Mike’s choice, or by hand.  She may be spanked on any part of her body that Mike determines is appropriate for her Discipline.
    2. NON-SPANKING PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE consists of any physical discipline other than a spanking.  It includes but is not limited to breast bindings, nipple clamps, tack bra, butt plug, nipple and/or clit clamps, enemas, or any other device or implement intended to cause appropriate discomfort consistent with the Discipline Mike wants to administer.
    3. NON-PHYSICAL DISCIPLINE includes but is not limited to corner time, kneeling, loss of privileges such as television or internet or seeing family or friends.  Any restrictions on seeing family or friends is not to exceed one week. 
    4. VERBAL DISCIPLINE consists of any verbal admonishing and/or lecturing Mike may direct at Jennifer.  It is rarely given by itself as behaviors requiring Verbal Discipline most often require other forms of Discipline be administered.

SECTION VII. MAINTENANCE SESSIONS

  1. SUNDAY SESSIONS consist of  Mike and Jennifer meeting to discuss certain topics allowing Jennifer to seek clarification on any Discipline or any other aspect of their dynamic, have Mike review Jennifer’s behavior and progress, have Jennifer present her Primary Daily Journal for inspection, and for Jennifer to receive Maintenance Discipline as per guidelines in Section VII.3.
  2. THURSDAY SESSIONS consist of Mike and Jennifer meeting to review any unsubmissive thoughts Jennifer has had and answer any questions Mike may pose as per guidelines in Section VII.3.  
  3. MAINTENANCE SESSION CEREMONY Jennifer shall be nude throughout and will begin with Mike administering her first Maintenance Discipline.
    1. Much like After-Care, Mike and Jennifer will embrace and Jennifer will speak, reaffirming her love and respect for herself, her family, and for Mike.  Mike will in turn express his love for Jennifer and thank her the commitment of personal responsibility she has made and state his continued support to help her become the person she wants to be.   
    2.  SUNDAY SESSIONS:  They will then discuss Jennifer’s behaviors and Discipline that week.  All discussions will focus only on that week.  Jennifer will not bring up past issues as those issues are considered resolved.
    3. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  Jennifer will present her Primary Daily Journal to Mike for his review and inspection.   Jennifer will self-report on any Disobedience that occurred that week for which Mike was unaware.
      THURSDAY SESSIONS:  Jennifer will present her Unsubmissiveness Daily Journal to Mike for his review and inspection    
    4. SUNDAY SESSIONS:  Mike will administer any Discipline he deems necessary for any of Jennifer’s self-reported Disobedience, as well as for any Journal shortcomings.  Mike will lecture Jennifer as to his expectations of her for the coming week and may choose to dialogue with Jennifer.
      THURSDAY SESSIONS:  Mike will lecture Jennifer as to her unsubmissiveness thoughts and may choose to dialogue with Jennifer. 
    5. SUNDAY SESSION:  Jennifer will be given self-reflection time as determined by Mike.  Jennifer will be given a specific amount of corner time.  When that time is up she is to masturbate to climax.  Jennifer will choose the location in the bedroom where she wishes to masturbate and may ask Mike if she can use an aide such as a vibrator.  Mike may be present during her masturbation or even come and go from the room but he will remain silent and away from her immediate proximity.  After Jennifer’s orgasm she is to lay in bed, meditate, and it is acceptable for her to fall asleep as she waits for further instruction.  
    6. SUNDAY SESSION:  When Mike determines her self-reflection time is complete, he will call Jennifer over.  She is to kneel in front of him, look up into his eyes, and recite her Morning and Evening Mantras per Exhibit A.  She will then bow her head and reach out her hands.  Mike may wait for as long as he chooses before holding her outstreatched hands.  While holding her hands, Jennifer will remain kneeling with her head bowed.
    7. SUNDAY AND THURSDAY SESSION:  When Mike is ready, he will instruct Jennifer to take position and receive her last Maintenance Discipline. 
    8. Appropriate After-Care is administered per Section IV 3.3. and the Maintenance Session is over.

EXHIBIT A:  MANTRAS

  1. MORNING MANTRA
    “Today I desire submission;

    through humility, not humiliation,
    through service, not suffering, 
    through being present, not in pain
    through being useful, not used,  
    through discipline, not punishment, 
    through focusing on Mike’s desires, my only need and purpose.” 
  2. EVENING MANTRA
    “Thank you Mike. 
    Thank you Mike for leading, as I follow you.
    Thank you Mike for working, as I serve you.

    Thank you Mike for providing, as I appreciate you.
    Thank you Mike for guiding, as I trust you.
    Thank you Mike for deciding, as I obey you.
    I look forward to tomorrow when we get to do it all again.

If you like reading about Domestic Discipline contracts, you can check our 2015 version HERE!

NEXT:  Post 175.  Bundle of Nerves

136. Submitted Wife: Degrading, Unfair, Unhealthy

136
I can’t go too many posts without writing about my thoughts on submission.  What prompted this one was a discussion with my sisters (See Post 116 re my “coming out” to them).    

By the way, I still refer to my lifestyle as Domestic Discipline, but I recognize it has evolved to be more aligned with a Dominant/submissive lifestyle.  Once you name something, it is hard to change it.  DD is in the name of my blog and I am sticking with it. Oh, back to my sisters…

My sisters continue to ask me a lot of questions and I often am the one soliciting their questions.  I like to hear their thoughts and comments.  I know they will be unfiltered as we have a way of being totally “brutally” honest with each other.  I believe it is because we are all so secure in our sisterly love for each other that we know how to communicate tough issues very well.  We can be critical without condescension, and at no time make each other feel bad.  We share our feelings so that we are better understood and so that we can better understand each other.  So everything we say always has the underpinning of love.

I’ve also shared before (Post 2. The Backstory) that growing up there was a strong sense of “woman empowerment” bestowed on us by our mother.  Being a submissive wife was never in my future as far as my mom was concerned, or my sisters, or even me, until submission found me.  

WHY?
My sisters keep coming back to the same question, “Why?”   It isn’t that they didn’t listen to my answers or that they didn’t believe my answers.  They admit that my answers were touching, heart felt, moving, and well articulated. But still, it’s like, “Can you tell me ‘why’ again?”

The analogy I use is that it is as if they are learning a foreign language and haven’t retained the knowledge to understand it.  And like learning a foreign language, they need repetition.  So I repeat, and I repeat.  I think it is slowly sinking in, but this time I realized I needed to change my approach.    

Understand before being Understood.
I fell back on some of my counseling background and a simple communication axiom of “Seek to understand before being understood.”   In our previous conversation I was providing my sisters with a lot of information, but it was about the things that were important to me, that motivated me, that justified to me why I made the decisions I made.  I finally realized I needed to understand them first.  

I asked them what they thought submission was and what they thought my reasons were.  In those answered, I found the biases that society conditions us with and the loving concerns they had for me because of those preconceived notions.  Thus, I finally understood our conversation needed to be about what D/s WASN’T more than it needed to be about what D/s WAS

 In their minds, submission is

  • degrading
  • unfair
  • unhealthy

Their actual list was longer, but I consolidated it into those three themes.

First of all, I agreed with them.  Submission COULD be any or all of those things.  Just like “Love” could spiral into any or all of those things.  The potential for those things should not be dismissed or taken lightly, but the fact is, I believe healthy D/s relations are devoid of those things.  Then we talked about each one.

DEGRADING
In their minds it was degrading to allow myself to be under Mike’s authority.  We then talked about authority in a household setting.  They agreed that in their own relationships there were things that naturally evolved where they defer authority to their husbands, or their husbands to them.  We talked about the process that got them to that point.  That process was full of arguments and conflict and even some lingering resentments that years later could be called to the surface in a moment.  In fact, there were several issues where “authority” was still in dispute and a source of  anger or resentment.  One of my sisters even said, “It still burns me today to think of….”

So I told her, “So, you feel disregarded by your husband about that issue, don’t you?”   She agreed she did.  

“And are there things that you have assumed responsibility for where he may feel disregarded by you?  She agreed that this was very likely the case.

Then I said, let’s look up the definition of what it is when you disregard something that should be taken into account, such as someone’s feelings.  We quickly got to words like contempt and, sure enough, degrade.

To me, the degrading isn’t about the person. She wasn’t degrading her husband, nor he degrading her.  What was being degraded was their happiness and love.  Sure they still loved each other.  The issue didn’t rise to the level that it destroyed their love, but, it still made it less than it could be and provided less peace and fulfillment in their relationship.  To this day, years later, there was lingering resentment.   I told my sister I have absolutely no lingering resentments, nor does Mike.  That’s the power of submission for us.  It allows our love to be the greatest it can be, no pock marks or degradation anywhere. 

One other aspect of “degrading” to them was the notion I was being treated like a child.  Well, I never spanked my kids, nor did my sisters with their kids, so no connection there.  But forget the spanking, yes, Mike is the disciplinarian, much like a parent would be.  I can’t argue that.  His role has some similarities to that of a parent but D/s goes way beyond a parents role in disciplining a child.  Also, I not only fully consent to him being the disciplinarian, but I asked for him to be that.  I’ve found I can better meet my commitments to myself and to him and have greater self control and happiness by submitting to his discipline and deferring to his will.  I don’t find it degrading, I find it uplifting.

I shared with them that accepting his discipline was a journey within our journey.  That is, initially I only accepted it on my terms, explicitly laid out in our contract.  And there would have been nothing wrong with it if it stayed that way, but, I changed and my needs changed.  I wanted more discipline and developed an unquestionable trust in Mike.  To me that is when our dynamic became D/s versus DD.  I am not just subject to his discipline, I am simply and completely “his.”   

UNFAIR
Since we already were looking at definitions, we then took a look at the definition of “unfair.” Basically there are two.  One deals with the principals of justice, the other is in regards to lack of kindness, sensitivity, and thoughtfulness.  It was interesting because one sister was hung up on the principals of justice part of it while the other was hung up on the kindness and thoughtfulness part of it.

Justice, in other words, equality.  D/s isn’t about gender roles. There are D/s relationships where the man is the submissive and there are same-sex D/s relationships.   D/s is not an indictment on women.  It is about the two individuals and what works for them. Gender is something that obviously exists, but doesn’t dictate anything.  Having said that, yes, I’ve observed most D/s relationships have a male Dom.  That simply could be because society has preconditioned too many men such that they would never consider it or would never explore it.  Society more easily accepts a submissive woman. 

I also explained that for me, D/s is about choosing a leader in the relationship.   Granting someone authority to lead you, whether it be a boss, a pastor, a teacher, a doctor, a friend, a spouse, etc., is not a value judgement on someone’s worth.  Allowing yourself to be led is not unjust.  And it is not unjust when I choose to acquiesce to Mike’s leadership, even on things I don’t agree with.

If you do not acquiesce at work, you can be fired.  At church or school?  You can be expelled.  With your doctor?  You can become ill or not get well.  With friends, it is a give and take, and when you give authority to them, you aren’t “less than,” nor when they give you authority are they “less than.”  With spouses, it can be similar to friends, but there is that risk of resentment over time if you feel pressured to acquiesce on things that are important for you to lead.   So let’s agree that leading or following is not a value statement on the person leading or following.  Following doesn’t equate to “less than.”

Then I asked them in situations where both they and their spouse wanted to lead, or neither wanted to, what happened?  Did they feel joy, peace, and composure?   No, they used words like “agitation” and “hostility” to describe how they and their partners feel in those situations.

I asked them if those feelings were really fair?   Is it fair for them to feel hostile towards their loved one, or their loved one towards them?   And again, let’s not look at fairness towards the individual, but fairness towards their love.  They agreed, it was not fair to have their love diminished over such trivial things.  I said I never feel agitation or hostility, nor does Mike towards me.   So how is it that Mike and I are being unfair to each other or unfair to our love?   How is it that a lifestyle that fosters true joy for us ever be considered unfair? 

UNHEALTHY
Other words used were “demoralizing” or “dehumanizing.”  I took on the “dehumanizing” part first.  What is dehumanizing about feeling joy, feeling fulfilled, feeling true bliss?  Is the oneness I have with Mike (Post 30.  I found my Thrill,) dehumanizing?  Just the opposite.  These feelings are the pinnacle of the emotions you want to feel as a human.  How can that be dehumanizing?

As for “demoralizing?”   I am more hopeful than ever regarding my marriage and my life.   I am deeply humbled, but not over some defeat of who I am today, but over the defeat of who I used to be.   I am humbled to where my pride does not blind me or control me.  I am not a doormat.  I simply gave up my ego.  I am ego-less.  I no longer belong to me.  I belong to Mike.   That excites me, motivates me, fulfills me.  Demoralize me?  No.

One last point I made with them was that my motives for being submissive are fully and totally personal.  It is not because of any society expectations, religious beliefs, or, of course, any family expectations.  I state this only to share my motives with you, not to question or belittle those who are motivated by those or other things.  I believe that this is one reason I am so happy with this.  It is absent any outside influence or pressure.  It is of my own making.

As I shared in my first few posts, I was looking for something to provide a more fulfilling life for me, my husband, and family.  I stumbled across DD and made an immediate connection with it, and it has worked for me.  I was extremely fortunate to have a husband who supported it.  Contrary to what people think, I know a lot of men would not have embraced being a Dom.  Just like submission is not for everyone (man or woman), Domination is not for everyone.

After this discussion they seem to be getting it. I am sure there will be more talks before they fully reconcile it in their minds.  Note that in no way am I trying to suggest they should do this or you should adopt this lifestyle.  HOWEVER, I do encourage them, and you, to be more vulnerable to those you love.  That doesn’t mean DD or D/s, unless you feel it should.  And even then, it takes two, and a good Dom is serious about their duties to nourish, respect, and love, as much as a good sub is serious about committing to constant submission that is always there, even when the Dom doesn’t deserve it.  

Just one last thought, also covered in Post 30 but worth repeating, is that achieving oneness with your partner is not about achieving sameness.  As it says in my favorite line from my favorite song ever, “We are one, but not the same.”  (U2’s “One”).    I strongly encourage you to read Post 30.  I found my Thrill, if you haven’t already. 

Peace, joy, love, and fulfillment!

NEXT:  137. Spanked over a new Maintenance Spanking

135. Kayla and me. The MILF and the Nubile

135

I thought I’d write a bit about my relationship with Kayla.  Just her and I.   This post is a bit of a ramble – a collection of various disjointed thoughts on our relationship.   Sorry about that, I wasn’t feeling creative enough to weave a story with a nice intro, arch, and conclusion.

It sounds and feels very natural to me to say we are in love.  It was a progressive thing.  I shared the background of her relationship with our family in several posts and introduced her on Post 76. Meet the Babysitter.  She grew up around my family and even joined us on some family vacations.  The way we described it at the time was that Kayla was like a cousin to our kids and Mike and I were like her uncle and aunt.  There were times we even told people she was our niece, or she told people we were her aunt and uncle.   It made it easier to explain and I know it made Kayla feel good as well.

When I decided to come out to Kayla about my submissive lifestyle, I had absolutely no inkling that it would lead to where it has led.  I wanted her to know about my DD simply because she hung around our household a lot and I no longer wanted to hide it from her.  I simply wanted to be my full self around her.

The revelation to her, covered in Post 77. Heart to Heart with Kayla,  resulted in her confiding a lot in me.  I learned a lot more about her regarding her sexuality (pansexual). She also shared she was a “third” in a relationship with another couple.  Even then, I had no thoughts of her and I together, or her and Mike, or any of that.  But I was feeling something at the time.  I think it goes back to the power of vulnerability.   People become very attractive when they are vulnerable.   But I didn’t think of it as love. It was more like adoration.  But, I did give sex a thought but only in jest as it seemed so cliché regarding sex with the babysitter.  I didn’t seriously think anything of it.  It wasn’t long until those thoughts began to be more serious. 

Kayla admitted that she always had a crush on Mike, ever since she was about 13 or 14-years-old.  And she says that while she didn’t identify as bisexual or attracted to girls in general, she always felt attracted to me.  She wanted to be like me, wanted my approval, and physically liked being close to me.  She said the first time she masturbated to the thoughts of being with a woman, it was a fantasy that included me.   Kayla says that when I opened up to her about my DD it immediately lit the spark that was already in her heart for me and for Mike.  (Vulnerability and authenticity can be powerful like that).

As for me and Mike, our sexual attraction and deeper love for Kayla took a little time to build, but not much.  For Mike, it started as simply sexual.  He was initially ‘for it” simply on sexual grounds.  For me, it was a mix of emotions and reasons.   Part love, part curiosity, part submission to Mike, part excitement, and part wanting to help Kayla.

As we quickly got to know the full “adult” Kayla, both Mike and I realized how much we loved being around her.  She injected a new energy in the house and fit so perfectly with how Mike and I “operate” as a couple.  It is hard to describe what it is, but her demeanor, her take on life, her approach to things, etc., all complimented me and Mike.   They aren’t exact, no more than they are exact within a two person relationship.  The few differences were complimentary and never a source of conflict.  Instead, they were sources of growth for all of us.  Just a perfect fit that I can’t fully describe.

She moved in just after Christmas, so it has only been five months, but it feels longer.  Not longer in the sense of someone overstaying a welcome, but longer in the sense that I can’t imagine not having her with us.  In addition to the intense emotional connection she has with me and with Mike, there is of course the amazing sex, the submission, and the mundane household support.  It is amazing what one more set of hands means to running a household.  I was already running a pretty tight ship regarding household chores, but with Kayla here, the house is immaculate.  Mike had to add dozens of new chores for us to do because we work so well in getting everything done.  She enjoys the various household acts of service as much as I do.

Day-to-day Kayla and I stay very busy.  Every day has many household duties for us to perform and we diligently do them all.  I don’t think I mentioned our fish before. We have four different fish tanks, some fresh water, some salt water.  They take a lot care and attention.  Mike’s the fish aficionado and Kayla knows an awful lot about them too.  It is a hobby they share in.

There are days with some down time, and Kayla does schedule in time to spend with her friends or visit her mom. There are some days where Kayla and I have sex during the day, just the two of us.  And there have been some threesomes with just the two of us and Donna.

We also spend a lot of time talking about just about anything ranging from current events, pop culture, you name it.  We also talk a lot about our individual needs for submissiveness.  As I shared before, Kayla thrives on a more Master/Slave dynamic with Mike. She is submissive to me, but definitely in a D/s way and even then, I’d call it “D/S-light.”  She calls me Ma’am, and always make sure there isn’t anything I need of her before she does something for herself.

I spank her when necessary, depending on the situation. If it is something significant, I might do an appropriate immediate punishment and leave it for Mike to determine her ultimate punishment needs once he gets home.  On days Mike is working at home, I consult with him and he might instruct me as to a punishment to perform, or he may tell me he will address it when he has a moment.

Anytime I punish Kayla I give Mike a full report.  When I do punish her I am accountable to Mike for giving Kayla “the punishment she needs and that is consistent with the punishment he would give.”  This means I have to try to think like Mike in determining how to punish her.  I could be punished by Mike if he feels I was too soft or too harsh on Kayla.  Mike will question me as to why I choose a particular punishment and why I thought he would agree it was appropriate.   So far, I’ve gotten it right and haven’t been punished for giving an “incorrect” punishment to Kayla.  

While I don’t thrive on being a Dom, I do enjoy my role with Kayla.  It is a softer type of Dom.  I like the lecturing part of a punishment the best, and I like the after care.  When I am spanking her or performing some other punishment,  I identify more with her than as a Dom.  I think about what she is feeling and going through and don’t focus on or give thought to what I am doing or seeing.  I don’t get a sense of  “domination”  but I do get a sense of her submission.

I have mentioned before that I love to watch her and Mike. Even just knowing they are having sex is arousing to me.  I like sharing Mike with her in that way,  and I like knowing that she enjoys herself immensely.  I have no complaints about Mike’s lovemaking, but Kayla considers his prowess to be at the level of a sex god.  I like that she feels that way, and I like the fact that Mike knows she feels that way.  I will say, Mike is very attentive to her sexual needs and I think because of the whole dynamic we have, Mike is able to give her things that other guys, especially those closer to her age, simply can’t or would never give.  

If there is anything more you’d like to know, just comment.  I am happy to share or answer any questions.

Oh – and in case you’re wondering, “Did Jen just post an actual picture of her and Kayla?” Part of me wants to keep you in suspense on that one.  It would be a nice cliff hanger… 

Okay, so no, it isn’t, but it is a great representation.   It is about the right age difference – the person in the photo looks perhaps just a few years older than I am (I am referring to the young gal on the right.   Not!).  Both people share a lot of facial features consistent to how we each look, which is why I used it.  We are both brunette’s though.  So sorry to disappoint if you thought it was us.  Hey, this vulnerability thing can only be taken so far. If it makes you feel better, maybe it really is us?  

Next:  Post 136. Submitted Wife

134. Vulnerable to you / 1yr blogiversary

134

Mike reads my blog from time to time, plus I’ve talked to him about the fact my greatest joy in blogging is ruminating on my thoughts and happenings in life.  I enjoy sharing my thoughts, feelings, motivations, and interpretations of something a lot more than I enjoy sharing the specifics of that something.  Mike commented that he thinks this was a “vulnerability thing.”   Okay, so Mike is not one to ponder philosophically.  He tends to just to succinctly sum things up in a few, but accurate, words.

I had to delve into what all he meant by this but when i asked him he simply said, “It isn’t important what it means to me, it’s whether it means anything to you.  You think about it and tell me what you think it might mean. ”   His retort floored me.  This was very un-Mike like.  It had this sensei flair to it, this enigmatic statement that I had to unravel and find my own meaning.  But, I appreciated the response as I took it as a self-reflection challenge, and I like to be self-reflective and I like a good challenge.

I’ve made several posts on this subject of vulnerability:  Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble,  Post 68 reblog: To Fall in Love…, and Post 129. Vulnerability. Plus…

So here’s my thoughts on Mike’s comment.  The pre-DD Jenny thrived on control, was measured in what she did and said, and only portrayed to others a limited version of herself to avoid potential negative critique.   I am proud to have shed most of those pre-DD habits, but, parts of that still linger.

I am fully vulnerable to Mike, and while the type of vulnerability we give to our partner is not the type you would give to everyone, there is an element of vulnerability that you should be willing to give to those around you.  It is about being authentic.  By being authentic, you might rub some people the wrong way, but so what?  The flip side is by being authentic, your relationships become founded on authenticity.  You connect to people as you really are, and hopefully as they really all.  The result is a deeper and more meaningful and fulfilling connection.  It is much better to have fewer, authentic and meaningful relationships with friends and family, then to have many superficial ones based on less than your true self.

I’ve shared before that vulnerability has been like a drug to me.  I love it, I crave it, and I’ve slowly become more vulnerable to those around me.   There is Mike of course, who my vulnerability has no limits.  Then there was John and Donna, and then Kayla.  They get the full and unedited version of Jenny.   I believe it is my comfort and confidence in being vulnerable that led me to tell my sisters about my DD lifestyle.  (Post 116. Revealing DD to my sisters).   It is also what led me to tell a group of my girlfriends about Mike and I “swinging.”  (Post 132. Good Grove / Bad Move).   And it has led to my overall sense of comfort and confidence in my choices.

I am vulnerable when it comes to my blog, but I definitely can be more so.  THAT was Mike’s point with his comment.  I know the ultimate in vulnerability would be to post more identifiable personal details complete with pictures.  But frankly, that would be opening myself up to be revealed to any and all people.   Maybe some day, but for now I am not ready for that, nor is Mike.  Short of that, I could be more forthcoming with things I do or the things that happen to me that currently I may omit, or infer or lightly touch on but not in much detail.

A good example is our soaping punishment routine, although I’ve only received two.   Part of this routine is rinsing not with water, but with pee.  I have not blatantly stated that detail because of concern of what you may think of me.  I know it is silly to be worried about what readers think after sharing so much, but, I found it difficult to share that particular detail.  Well, it’s shared now!

Mike is correct, it is a “vulnerability thing.”  Each time I have shared a punishment with you I mention I am not one for sharing those details.  Part of me worries about what people will think – think about me, think about Mike.  I would rather write about the positive impact it had, versus share the specifics and leave it to you to conclude what the impact was.    So, that’s my response to Mike regarding what I think he meant by it being a “vulnerability thing.”   I shouldn’t be so resistant to being vulnerable to you.

This doesn’t mean I am suddenly over it.  But, I will try hard to focus on being even more transparent on my blog, especially when it comes to punishments.  This isn’t something I have to do.   Mike doesn’t require it of me, and I don’t specifically require it of myself. However, I do believe it helps in strengthening and maintaining a submissive mindset. It is more about being more disciplined in my vulnerability and not allowing old habits in.  And that IS something I want.

ONE YEAR OLD BLOG
Switching gears  – my blog just turned one year old a few days ago.  Thank you to everyone who reads, likes, and comments.  I am close to 100,000 views and about 18,000 visitors.  I like it that I get 5 to 6 views per visitor each month as it means to me that people are intrigued enough to read multiple posts.   Writing this continues to be very fulfilling, and now, perhaps more so as I strive to be even more vulnerable in my future posts.   And I took notice that by far the most visited post is Post 25. Intense Spanking Part II, about twice as many as the next visited post (Post 12. Our DD Contract).   You kinksters seem to like to read about punishments!

I’ll take that under advisement.  Ultimately I blog for me, but I like it when others like it, and I also like the vulnerability of it.  I just have to remind myself that sharing details of a punishment is an act of vulnerability, thus an act of submission.  That should be plenty of motivation for me to enjoy doing so.  But even with that motivation, my greatest pleasure in blogging is still from waxing philosophically about being a submissive wife and living the wife-swapping polyamourous Domestic Discipline lifestyle that I live.

NEXT: 135. Kayla and me.

 

129. Submissive ramble : Vulnerability. Respect or Love?

In re-reading this post, it is a bit of mess.  I repeat myself a bit and ramble a bit.  I just wasn’t satisfied I was articulating what I wanted, but, I tired of editing and rewriting it and figured that any repetition or rambling was simply a testament to how much I love and appreciate Mike, so much so that sometimes I had to say it twice, or, struggled to find words to bound my thoughts.  Hard to do when your love and appreciation is boundless!

SECRET SAUCE?
I’ve had several discussions with Mike lately about how he is feeling as a Dom and asked him to reflect on our journey from his perspective.   I was prompted to ask him this as I realized I have sort of taken him for granted throughout this journey.   From the beginning this lifestyle was something I wanted and basically expected him to follow.    The discussions with Mike served to further my commitment to this lifestyle and for all the great things that it does for me and for Mike.  In fact, for me, Mike’s feedback helped cement what the “secret sauce” is that brings fulfillment to a Dominant/Submissive relationship.  And amazingly, that sauce is available for everyone, even those not inclined to go the route of Domestic Discipline. 

VULNERABILITY.
The secret sauce is simply, vulnerability.  
Although I dedicated an entire post to the value of vulnerability, (Post 67. An Esoteric Ramble), I still didn’t fully extol its’ virtues.   Vulnerability is the essence of why a life of submission has been so rewarding for me, and a life as a Dominant so rewarding for Mike.   Yes, vulnerability has rewarded him as well.  

In talking with John, Donna, and Kayla, they all agreed that vulnerability is where it’s at.  And YOU can have it with our without Domestic Discipline.

Simply be the total and complete authentic YOU.  Share your passing thoughts, naughty or nice, share your dreams, desires, fears, loves, likes, and dislikes.  Share EVERYTHING about your body.   Allow someone to see, inspect, and critique any and everything about you.  Opening up so thoroughly and completely leaves you extremely vulnerable.   It’s super scary, and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.   As I said in Post 67, if you are with someone who you deem unworthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps that aren’t worthy of you.

VULNERABILITY OF A DOM?
What I realized in talking to Mike is that he too has had to make himself vulnerable.  I mentioned before he is typically a pretty passive guy – easy-going.  Having to articulate his desires and having to risk being thought of in a negative way, by me or by Kayla, is also super scary and takes a lot of guts, but is so rewarding.

I think most people assume that the level of vulnerability required for the sub is significantly greater than what is required of the Dom.  I am not so sure.  In part it depends on the general personality pre-D/s.   In my case I was the more domineering and Mike was more submissive.  Not in the kink sense, but in that I tended to assert my wishes and get my way while Mike tended to be more accommodating and would often defer to me.    While it may appear I had the greater challenge, remember that I was the one who asked that we give this lifestyle a try.  I went into it eagerly and with gusto.  Mike was basically just being Mike and accommodating my wishes.   So his journey as a Dom was challenging for him.

Let me state that this is not a competition. It serves no value to try to tabulate the merits of the journey a sub takes in relation to what a Dom takes and declare a vulnerability “winner.” My point is to simply illustrate that it has been a transition for Mike and that it required him to be vulnerable.  Clearly, not in a “time to be inspected/ time to clean / time to be spanked / time to serve / time to submit sexually” way.   But, demanding things of others does expose someone to being ridiculed or disliked because of their demands.   Especially when those demands have to do with sex.  

Mike said he did find it hard to exert his wishes.  At first he stuck pretty close to the letter of the things I prescribed in the contract, then slowly branched out and used more discretion in decided what he wanted or what he would do.  Then along came Kayla. He said Kayla was wanting so much more from him and while he enjoyed (and enjoys) being the Dom she sought, it wasn’t easy.   I wrote that during her immersion there were times I worried that Mike was going too far.   Well, he had the same doubts. He said it would really hurt if he was told he went too far, and exposing all his wants, from day-to-day things to the more prurient interests, left him with a sense of vulnerability.  

Mike says he has grown to love the role of the Dom and it shows.  He is bolder and more authoritarian.   His orders, expectations, and punishments come more quickly and firmly than before.    He doesn’t hesitate to tell me (or Kayla) what he wants from us (the non sexual stuff). And he doesn’t hesitate to tell us what he wants sexually.   And to complete this fulfilling circle, the more dominant he has become, the greater I am fulfilled (and Kayla too).  

Mike told me that it has influenced him at work. He is more decisive than ever before.  In his words, “I am bold, but not a bully.”   He communicates more clearly regarding expectations.  Basically, all the leadership stuff that he has always done well — he is doing even better.  

You might think, “how hard can it be to order your wife to lick the asshole of his girlfriend?”  Well, it requires a lot vulnerability the first time you ask for that! (not dismissing the vulnerability in being the licker or the lickee).   But after a number of every escalating kinky orders, he has all the confidence that I will comply in just about anything he asks (as will Kayla) and do so eagerly.  

Mike also said that while he never felt disrespected in our relationship, he now feels respected every moment of every day.  He said he was embarrassed to admit that he has found that respect to be like a drug.   Knowing that his every wish and every need will be respected is mind-boggling for him.   He says he finds it so fulfilling to not only be so completely respected, but to see how fulfilling it is to me and Kayla to give that respect.     

Choose one: Respect or Love?
It ties into something I read somewhere that, if given a choice between respect or love, most men choose respect and most women choose love.  I am sure there are many who disagree, and I am sure it varies by individual.  And i am not saying it is right or that is should be that way. It is just one of those axioms that resonate with my experiences in life.    

I am fulfilled through respecting every whim, dream, and desire that Mike has by serving him in every way he can imagine.   It’s great to know he is fulfilled too.   

NEXT: 130. Growing our Joy Box. XXX-mas in April.

.    

 

109. The Tuck, The Spank, and the Slumber

pillowf

Disclaimer: The image I used doesn’t directly relate to this story. It just seemed to be a good tease and may relate to what you imagine happens when I say goodnight to Kayla. I will admit we sometimes get a bit silly, but no pillow fighting… yet!

As I mentioned in other posts, I got in the habit of going to Kayla’s room just before bedtime to say goodnight. We found we really looked forward to these moments and we have been trying hard to start them earlier and earlier so we could talk more.  It has become a time where she and I can both share and reflect on the day in a very calm and comfy atmosphere.

When we would finally say our goodnights and she said, “Goodnight, Ma’am,” I told her that for our “tuck-in talks” she can call me Mrs. H.  So now she says, “Goodnight Mrs. H.” The reason I did this is that these talks have been very warm and also very non-subby (is that a word?).  Anyway, they often had nothing to do with the topic of D/s.   These talks have become an additional bonding opportunity that is different from other opportunities we have.

THE TUCK. . .
Last night (Friday), our talk ran over and we missed our 10:30 curfew. Kayla actually noticed when it was 10:30 but as I started to leave her room I turned and asked her something, which turned into more talking. Mike happened to come by about 10:33 and I was still in Kayla’s room. I told him it was my fault as Kayla told me it was 10:30 but I was the one who kept talking. Mike thought for moment and then said that this was not acceptable from either one of us.

. . . the Spank
Mike told me to take off my clothes as I hadn’t undressed yet for bed, and he told Kayla, who was already naked, to get up from her bed – yes, be both sleep in the buff, per our rules. He said that this was serious because he shouldn’t have to worry about the two of us doing something together that was against the rules. At least one of us should recognize what is happening and stop it before it happens.   He said it wasn’t enough that Kayla mentioned it was 10:30. Kayla should have told me to go, or turned her own light off and got into bed and ignored me, or even gone to get him.

Wow. I hadn’t really thought about a situation where we would have to tell on each other!?!  It seems so childish. However, I understand that it is the only way to ensure one of us didn’t become an accomplice to the other’s rule breaking. Mike went on to say he never wants to be in a position of having to figure out who is at fault. If one of us doesn’t come to him in a situation like this, then we are both equally at fault, period.   He also says that any situation where we collectively transgress, the punishment will be greater than usual. He feels we need to think twice about every collectively doing something we aren’t supposed to.

This was another one of those “Dom” moments with Mike that really turn me on.  I love it when he deals with a situation we had never talked about before and he figures out a way to deal with it in a very Dom-like manner.  It makes me tingle just thinking about it… I digress.

Kayla’s bed is situated in the middle of the room, with space both to the left and right of the bed.   He told me to get on one side, and Kayla the other, and bend over so our elbows are on the bed and we are to hold hands and not talk – he would be back.   He returned with two implements I dread. One was the rubber prison strap, and the other was our 24-inch oak paddle I call “the Thrasher.”

He told us he was going to use quite a bit of force and he would start with me. There would be four with The Thrasher, followed by three with the strap. I knew that with the lower number of swats came a greater intensity to each swat.  He said I would receive them first, then Kayla, and then back to me, and then back to Kayla – so 14 total for each of us. He also gave us a phrase to say in counting each swat, something we don’t often do. After giving the count we had to add, “Thank you Sir, I will not conspire with Kayla/Ma’am to break any rules.” If we don’t say it correctly, the count starts back at 1.

I got my first 7. They were tough. My concerns was less about my stinging butt and more about whether or not Kayla would be able to be quiet through these. The room is far enough away from J’s such that noise should not be an issue, but Kayla is a crier and these were not ordinary swats.  While they were hard, at least Mike paused a moment in between each one, making them more bearable than if they were in quick succession.

Kayla’s first round didn’t go so well. When she got to three, she said, “Three.  Thank you Sir, I will not conspire with Ma’am to break my rules.”   She was supposed to say, “any” rules.   So Mike started back at 1. Then she was so quick to recite the phrase, she forgot to count 1, so again, he re-started at 1. She ended up with 11 her first go round, 8 with the paddle and 3 with the strap.   She started crying early into the spanking and her cries grew louder with each one.

We had to maintain eye contact with each other throughout and it was painful for me to look into her eyes as she was struck. When she would drop or turn her head in pain after being spanked, Mike would tell her to get her head up and look me in the eye, else he would start over. Normally I like watching a spanking. I identify with the sense of submission and it makes me feel good. I think I didn’t connect that way this time in part because the spanking was my fault, and in part because she looked so pained. I’ve seen the expression before, and Kayla assures us she enjoys this and that she is just prone to crying a lot, but still, it made me want to just take them all for her.

I got my next 7, and again on Kayla’s last round she flubbed the phrase, this time at six! So she was up to 13 for that round.  When Mike was done he told Kayla she would get two more with the paddle and one with the strap because she failed to keep eye contact with me too many times.  He would also repeat these three strokes for as long as it took until she maintained eye contact throughout.  Fortunately she was able to do so after just one set of the three. So in all, she got 24 to my 14. It doesn’t sound like much of a difference but for the force and type of implements used, it is a significant difference.

We stood in a group hug during the Closing Ceremony (aka after care).   It took Kayla quite a while to fully stop crying and her butt was very red. I think Mike felt bad about the thought of sending her off to bed alone and thus told her she could sleep with us. That quickly improved her spirits.

Mike told us to get to bed and he would go shower and be there soon – but that we wouldn’t have sex that night. Mike and I have generally avoided sex right after an intense punishment. While I sense this is not normal (as if anything DD is normal), we don’t like connecting a punishment to sex. We think this is also important for Kayla. While we can be intimate in an embrace or even kissing, no sex after a spanking.

…and the Slumber
Kayla and I got into our bed as Mike showered.  I continued to hold her tightly and consoled her as she was still teary eyed and not completely over the spanking.  I was on my back and she was half on top of me, half on my side, with her head on my chest. I told her I was sorry for causing the punishment and she tried to reassure me it wasn’t my fault and joked, “At least it led to me getting to sleep with you all.”

When Mike was ready for bed he crawled in next to us. Normally when Kayla sleeps with us Mike will sleep between me and Kayla. It isn’t a rule, just something we started doing. Kayla was already in my arms as Mike just crawled into bed next to us.  We all kissed each other goodnight.  As the kisses between Kayla and I lingered, Mike reminded us there was no sex tonight and we should stop before it went further, so we stopped.

While Kayla seemed content in my arms, I know her favorite position is being on top of Mike, with his arms wrapped around her with her head on his chest. So I told her it was okay if she wanted to go lay on Mike. Like a good sub, she asked Mike, “Sir, is it okay if I stay on Ma’am until I fall asleep?”   Mike said it was if it was okay with me, which it was. Kayla fell asleep in my arms. I didn’t ask her, but I sensed it was her way of saying she forgave me for causing the punishment. It felt really good to hold her like that.

NEXT: 110.  I Spy…something Poly! In defense of Millennials!