So many things I could share — A spanking I got? Nah. How about some expressive rant about what submission means to me? Nope. Talk of sex with John and Donna? Uh-uh. Oh, I have a new person I could tell you about, that’s it! Nah, just not feeling it.
Why am I not feeling it?
I’ve been cogitating on my prior post where I shared feeling self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic coiffure. The term “self-conscious” never really resonated with adequately describing what I was feeling. So what is it??
Then it hit me. I realized there was more to it than a feeling of self-consciousness. Further, whatever I am feeling is related to my posting hiatus at the end of the year and my lack of focus on what to share on this post. Yep, what’s going on is deeper than I imagined.
More on that in a bit.
WHY I STARTED BLOGGING
Just after our first anniversary of giving Domestic Discipline a whirl, I reflected on my journey in self-amazement. I couldn’t fully wrap my head around how far things evolved, not just in a DD sense or a kink sense, but in a relationship sense with Mike. I had to write things down to fully think through and articulate to myself what this all meant to me. So I did. I typed pages and pages of stuff recalling my journey and thought process. I did it as a mental and emotional exercise, initially not intending it for anyone else to read.
But the more I typed, the more excited I got. I just had to share my wonderment. Yeah, a bit narcissistic, but hey, when you feel you found a good thing, you want to shout it from the rooftops. But where? I recalled having read a few blogs as part of my initial research. That’s it, I would blog about it!
I took those early writings and turned them into my first dozen posts, up to the point I shared my first detailed Domestic Discipline Contract. I initially never thought I’d go beyond that, but hey, I was hooked. It was fun to blog, and a great way to sort through my thoughts. So, with Post 13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”, I stated my intent to keep posting. I had no idea it would lead to almost three years of sharing in almost 300 posts.
WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
All the while I had Mike keeping an eye on my blogs. He is very private, and his go-to response to sharing even the tiniest morsel of personal information online is, “What’s the upside?” To his credit, he has been good about allowing most things I want to share, with a few obfuscations as to names and some other details.
Mike understood my upside. Sharing was exhilarating for me, liberating, self-validating. It warms me to know that others may find value in my insights and journey. These feelings have propelled me to keep sharing and share more.
But something has changed, and I was incorrect in my last post. I am not feeling self-conscious about anything. So what am I feeling?
SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
I cherish the life I have, a life that I have worked hard to achieve along with Mike. I feel so fulfilled, so purposeful, so meaningful in my day-to-day living. More connected to Mike, more connected to my kids, and to everyone. I’ve experienced the joy that comes through loving without limits, and it’s not just the sex. The “free” sexuality aspect of TTWD is just one of many ways to express love without limits. Such love goes beyond my submission, the sex, and the kink — but to be honest, it was the submission, the sex, and kink that showed us how to love without limits.
It led us to John and Donna, to Kayla, to the naturalist lifestyle (and the conversation with the neighbors), to helping my friend Valerie, to interesting conversations with other friends of mine, and to Matt. Philosophically, it reinforced my belief that your perception is your reality. And once I perceived a more loving, accepting, and nurturing world, that world became my reality. Without getting on too much of tangent, I believe people project a certain vibe, and that vibe attracts or repels certain things…people, experiences, etc. Project a different vibe, attract a different life – it’s karma.
I feel I have this great life that is extremely precious, more so than ever before.
PROTECT THE GOLD
My life is a gold mine of fulfillment, pleasure, joy, and love. Why do anything to risk it? Why put it out there for others to scrutinize? Why risk coming into contact with the wackos like the “Fuck you, John” troll? Why should I be doing anything that poses even the slightest risk at upsetting my apple cart of bliss? Why share anything shocking that may prompt a negative response or make it that more damning if I am uncovered? Why open myself to criticism over a very alternative lifestyle?
This “What’s the upside” feeling has been a major headwind that has slowed my blogging
Yeah, all those risks were there from day one, but day one I did not feel I was risking anything of great value. And now my DD, my whole dynamic, everything about my life that I have shared — it’s priceless to me. What’s the upside in putting it out there?
So I started feeling more protective of the life I built. I didn’t want to “show it off” on my blog. I didn’t want to do anything to draw attention to me or my dynamic. The piercing and pube thing? Yeah, that’s minor, but was all about trying to be more invisible. I responded to fewer emails, I posted less (or not at all), I didn’t talk about it with friends who were aware of certain aspects of TTWD, and I became very passive in so many aspects of my life. Yeah, trying to be more invisible.
REALLY, WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
If writing is cathartic, I can do so without putting it on my blog. So I thought, aha, that’s it, I’ll continue to write but just put it all in my diary.
But as I considered this, I realized something. That would just suck. That would be boring. And frankly, I hate being invisible. It just isn’t me. I am typically “loud and proud.” And let’s face it, blogging is fulfilling.
Through blogging, I gain. . .
It creates a strong sense of community that can’t be replaced IRL. Sure, I could try to forge relationships by going to a FetLife function, but let’s be honest, that’s not where you go to workshop your esoteric rambles! If it is, tell me where you live, I want to go to one of your FetLife functions. Let’s face it, self-expression is just more difficult IRL. Yeah, blogging creates a sense of community, and that sense is empowering.
Sure, I could just write in my diary, but that lacks the “publicness” of a blog (is that a word? it is now). And let’s be real. The attention of the page views, the sharing in the “likes,” and the participation in the comments. . . yeah, being able to witness the impact of my self-expression gives me a little buzz. Who can’t help but like the little dopamine hit that comes with every click count we see, every like we get, and each comment that is made? Look at me, look at me!! hee-hee. Yeah, I admit it, as I have before, I am a bit selfish. And, I already said I was a bit of an exhibitionist.
Making myself think through an event or emotion helps build the emotional muscle memory to make better knee-jerk thoughts in the future. So many times I’ve started to type the “why” or “what” about a feeling, only to realize after typing it out, my initial thoughts were not really what was going on in my soul. The exercise of getting to the bottom of what and why I am feeling something is just like any exercise. It builds muscle – in this case, “emotional muscle,” to better understand my feelings going forward.
Understanding myself better and allowing myself to be more vulnerable allows me to better understand others and approach them in a way that is more empathetic. In fact, I’ve found the WordPress community to be empathetic, which makes it even easier to demonstrate my empathy. I’ve learned from Twitter that it serves no useful purpose to have a dialogue with people who lack the basic empathetic skills necessary to view any experience other than their own as legitimate. Yeah, that pretty much sums up Twitter. In any event, that’s not what I get here. People who aren’t into TTWD either just move on, or may still politely inquire or comment about one thing or another.
I just realized there is an assertiveness-building aspect to blogging. I don’t mean assertive in an “in-your-face” thing. That’s not assertive, that’s aggressive. I mean boldly stating TTWD without apology helps reinforce my confidence in TTWD.
I AM GOING TO KEEP GOING
I encourage everyone to blog, whether about dating, cooking, a day-in-the-life, or your significant other spanking your insolent butt! Whatever the topic, it can deliver all the above rewards.
Blogging about TTWD has become important to me. I’ll get through this funk and plan to keep on blogging. Yeah, there are risks, but nothing worth gaining comes without some risk. The risks are small as long as I remain diligent and under Mike’s watchful eye (and firm hand).
Hopefully, my sharing serves as one more crack in the cornerstone of thinking that kink is disgusting, except your own. Embrace your kink and find others who will embrace it with you! I sure have. IRL and with you!
Love without limits, and you get loved without limits.