265. Joy without submission?

The post before last I posed a question about why Mike was more in tuned than I was regarding our little bit of “drifting” from our regular DD routines.   I ask it because I find it curious.  I am not troubled by it.  In fact, I think the fact Mike noticed it before me is a milestone in our DD.  Up until then, I was the one either asking for more discipline or lamenting over something feeling “off.”   It’s great that Mike noticed it and was willing to say something – albeit a bit vaguely.

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken a philosophical self-analyzing trip into my DD journey.  So now is a good time to do that.   

THEN WHY SO JOYFUL?
It was odd that Mike noticed it first, but it was more odd that I wasn’t anywhere near sensing it.  My level of fulfillment and joy over the last several months has been sky high!  Does that mean I would prefer a softening of our DD and that I am not getting as much joy from it as I once was?  

Oh, and before I answer that.  I would not be bothered by either a yes or no answer.  Certainly, a “yes” would pose a challenge in that we would have to work to reconcile the different needs, but I am confident we could do so if needed.  It isn’t realistic to assume needs will never change, and we are committed to finding equitable solutions to any differences we face, kink or otherwise.   

HOWEVER, my needs haven’t changed, nor has Mike’s.  So, YES, I still want the level of D/s we attained before we drifted a bit.  Perhaps I am not yearning as much for it, but I not only enjoy it, I know I need it – emotionally and as part of being the wife, mother, and person that I want to be.   It is actually a good thing that I can find contentment in other aspects of my life.  It isn’t either I have D/s or I shrivel up and die.

Fulfillment has many facets, and being submissive is an important one, but not the only one.  I am sure there are times where I need to be more in my submissive headspace than other times.  Just like there may be times Mike needs to feel his dominance more than other times.  So why wasn’t I needing it as much lately?  Where has my fulfillment been coming from?

There are many joys in my life that transcend submission.

FAMILY!
I won’t re-hash all the great developments with my kids, but suffice to say, it is hard to not feel fulfilled when your kids appear to be happy.   Okay, I won’t re-hash them in detail, but here’s a summary as I can’t resist showing some pride in my kids! 

T1 bought a house, and is getting married to a great woman who I adore.  T2 graduating college, finding a great job, and growing into full adulthood.  J, who has exceeded all the expectations we had for him just a few years ago.  His growth and development despite his disability has been amazing.   

And then there is Kayla – I love her and she loves me.  I am so happy for her and all she adds to my marriage and my family.  And most importantly, she is happy.   Being out in the open about her has also been a great emotional booster for all of us.  

And there’s more – extended family!  A great relationship with my sisters, with whom I can be open and honest in sharing my life choices.  And re Kayla – my parents, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles — while not everyone is as accepting as I would like, it is still liberating to be open with it.   And their (well, some of them) willingness to give naturism a try further shows their openness and acceptance of my family.

FRIENDSHIPS AND FINANCES
And even more… friendships!   A close friendship with John and Donna, our “unique” relationship with Matt, and a great group of pals in my “lunch bunch” friends.  I also think the relationship with Matt has been invigorating.  We are over the “honeymoon” phase of it so it has lost a bit of its mystique, but, I know I got an emotional boost from it all.  I still do, just not what it was when it was all new. 

And beyond the emotional fulfillment, Mike’s work has been going well, so finances haven’t been an area of stress.  And with T2 done with college — the finances look even better.  We can finally start ramping up funding our retirement and making sure J can be supported for his lifetime.

NUDISM
I have to give nudism some credit as well.  It really has had an amazing positive psychological impact on me and my family.  It has boosted everyone’s self-confidence, not that it was particularly lacking.  It also tightens the already strong emotional bond we share.   Can’t explain it – it just does.    Perhaps adopting nudism is the ultimate in “vulnerability.”  And if you read my countless posts about vulnerability, you’ll know all the positive results that come with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.   

SUBMISSION
And it isn’t like we took a hiatus from our DD.  I have remained very submissive throughout my daily activities and have had the occasional punishment.    Our “drift” was very subtle.  So my need for submission was still being fed, just perhaps a little bit smaller helpings.  

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT MY DD
Yes, I admit it.  Not every ounce of my joy and fulfillment comes from feeding my submissive mindset.  That’s a good thing.  My identity as a submissive defines my relationship with my husband, a relationship that is the largest contributor to my fulfillment – but not the only contributor.

I think sometimes when joy is lacking in one facet of life, you subconsciously try to make up for it somewhere else.  Perhaps that is why I sort of took my eye off of my DD.  I didn’t notice we had backed off a little because I am getting so much fulfillment elsewhere.  My submissive-mindset-fulfillment-meter could actually dip a bit and I didn’t notice it.  That’s okay.  Our needs are not a constant.

And to Mike’s credit, it isn’t like he wasn’t feeling fulfilled by our kids and aspects of life beyond just the two of us.  He recognized he also feels great about all of those things I have mentioned.  I think the difference is every day he was being the Dom that Kayla needed, giving him a point of reference for our D/s.  That vantage point allowed him to sense the widening gap between the fulfillment he was getting as her Dom versus the fulfillment he was getting as mine.  So he said something – and I am glad he did.

The result was the tweaks and refocusing that I shared on one of my previous posts.  You do know what that means, don’t you?  More opportunities to be disciplined.   And that is not just theoretical, but a fact.  Yes, there has been an increase in discipline. Hmm…maybe there is a spanking story coming up?

Next: 266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

236. Domestic Discipline works for me

Mike has been rationing my internet time (re Post 217).   In addition, my new volunteer work is impacting my “me” time more than I expected.   Thus, the combination of the two has decreased the pace of my posts following a frenetic posting streak (at least for me) in January.

It seems childish that my husband would have to limit my internet time.  Well, I agree, it is . . . in-so-far as we assume that, as adults, we always make decisions that are in our best interests.  Well guess what, we don’t!  And I am fortunate to have a dynamic in my relationship that holds me accountable to my husband and subject to consequences for failures in my agreed upon duties and obligations.

I was being consumed with social media and it actually created an anxiety that I didn’t see at the time.  I had to get online… I had to check what was going on here, going on there, what so-and-so was saying, what I could add to this conversation or that conversation, let alone, my own emails and posts. 

You would think this anxiety would cause me to want to unplug for a while, but it was just the opposite.  I wanted more.  I don’t want to call it an addiction, but it did share some of those traits.  In the moment I felt relieved, excited, fulfilled… and once I stopped, I felt anxious, like I was missing out, and just had to get back online. 

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?
It may surprise you that I’ve thought a lot about what could have been at the root of my social media fixation in January — ha, that was a joke, as any regular reader knows “Self-reflection” is my middle name.    To some extent that fixation is always there — it is how many of us engage the world.  But in January it reached a tipping point for me and went from “engaging” to “counter productive.”    

REVISED DD
I think part of it was that I was adjusting to the new requirements in our latest contract.  (I wrote about some of them in Post 168, Post 169, and Post 173).   Even though the new contract started mid-October, the holidays interrupted a lot of our DD routine such that much of it couldn’t be fully practiced and refined until January.

SUBMISSIVE FAILS
Part of it was also the string of disciplinary actions I got myself into from around December through January had me feeling a little defeated – like I was failing at my submission.  Missing the Super Bowl party really stung.  In hindsight, it was a great motivator in adjusting my behavior.  It really put things in the right perspective for me.

REVEALING D/s AND KAYLA
Lastly,  I can now see that I had anxiety over the prospects of our being more public with our dynamic – both the D/s and relationship with Kayla.  I welcomed this, and have been very happy with all that has transpired thus far because of it.   But, prior to actually doing it, I was feeling some anxiety about the unknown.  Fear of rejection? Fear of being thought of in a negative way?   I know I had those fears.  And even if I thought I had them under control, fear can be insidious and manifest itself in ways you don’t realize.   I can totally see how my need to engage people (be accepted) was heightened because of those underlying fears I had.

FIXING IT!
The volunteer work has helped because I think part of it was that I was needing more real life connections.  I have my “lunch bunch” friends but we don’t get together as often as I’d like.  Oh – and I never mentioned this, but, Donna, who is my best friend, has been working more hours (she normally works part-time) thus my commiserating with her has been limited.  And Kayla has school, so is gone chunks of the day, and until recently, had her boyfriend to spend time with.   So yeah, I needed more IRL connections!

And while the volunteering has helped, the biggest “cure” was in Mike restricting my online time.  It made me hone in on what and who was truly important to me regarding which social media I would engage and how much I would engage it.

I’ve given priority to blogging and communicating (via email, text, etc) with specific people I enjoy communicating with.  Even with that priority, my time is more limited so I don’t get to do it quite as much as I would like, but, I no longer feel any anxiety over it. Because Mike commands it, it is as if I allow myself an acceptable excuse for not always “keeping up” as much as I would like.   Yep – that’s the mind of a submissive!

ONWARD AND UPWARD!
So yeah, it may sound childish to some of you that my husband has to discipline me, but hey, it works!  I no longer feel the anxiety I was having in January.  I am energetically and effectively performing my duties and obligations  (And thankful for our Maintenance Sessions as the need for discipline has been few and far between over the last 6-8 weeks or so). 

I know the pre-DD Jenny would be gagging over the thought of her husband restricting her internet time.  But today’s Jenny is more happy, more fulfilled, more optimistic, more joyful, and is a better person, wife, mother, and friend – so that pre-DD Jenny can just suck it!!  Oh wait, that sounds like something the today Jenny is more apt to do.  lol!!

Speaking of sucking, NaughtyNora commented in my last post, asking me about Matt.  There’s some fodder for my next post!   Ha.  How’s that for a segue?

Next: 237. Weird in a Good Way – Cuckolding

83. Over/Under – A spanking game!

As Monty Python says…”And now for something completely different!”

Here is something new and creative that Mike and I added to my Rewards.   Occasionally Mike will decide that the number of strokes I will receive will be determined by a game we call “Over/Under.” Mike picks a number of strokes he feels are reasonable but does not tell me. I then have to guess and give the number I think is reasonable. The ultimate number of spankings I will receive are based upon how far off I am and whether I went Over or Under his number.

If I underestimate the number, he takes his number and subtracts my number to get a “gross” number of swats. He then DOUBLES the gross number and adds it back into HIS original number and that becomes my new “net” number of swats.
For example – if he picked 11 and I picked 7. 11 minus 7 = 4. Doubling the 4 equals 8. The 8 is then added to HIS original 11, and the new net number is 19.  

If I overestimate the number, he takes my number and subtracts his number to get a “gross” number. He then ADDS (not doubles) the gross number back into MY original number and that becomes my new “net” number of swats.
For example, if he picked 7 and I picked 11.  11 minus 7 =4.   The 4 is then added to MY original 11 and the new net number is now 15.

If I pick it correctly, then the strokes are cut in half.
For example, he picked 11 and I picked 11. Half of 11 is 5.5 and the rule is we always ROUND UP! So, the new net number is now 6.

Mike will first tell me both the implement and level of impact he has in mind. I know automatically that some implements mean fewer strokes and the harder the impact, the fewer the strokes.   I’ve found the less impactful implements are the hardest to figure out. One time for a moderate hand spanking I guessed 30 and he had chosen 60.   So I ended up with 120!! (60-30 = 30. 30 x 2 = 60. 60+60=120).

Most of the time I am pretty close, but Mike no longer picks easy round numbers like 20 or 30. That would be too easy!   He also tends to start with a little lower number than usual, knowing that more than likely we will be adding to it.   How sweet of him (touch of sarcasm).

I’ve found that the absence of this game makes the Reward more solemn than ever.  It’s like, “Wow, Mike doesn’t even want to play.  This is really serious.”  Conversely, when we do play it, it adds more levity to a Reward and makes them less solemn and more joyful.  Yes, spankings can be even MORE joyful if you put some fun and creativity behind it.  Yes, there is a touch of sarcasm there, but mostly just truth.  I find the mix of pain and pleasure very joyful so anything that adds to that is a bonus.

Game anyone?  I am thinking of a number . . .

NEXT:  84. Happy Place. 

 

 

 

50. Five Acts of Service

Hey, my 50th post!!

This post is being done “under orders.”  You’ll read why in a bit.  Not that I need orders to allow me to post, but this is the first time he has required that I post something.  I’ll get to that in a bit.

The evolution of our DD has moved rapidly over the last week.  Even that sentence illustrates the evolution as previously I would have called it “my” Domestic Discipline.  Mike has assumed a more Dominant role and instead of just following the prescription of DD that I created, he is starting to assert his own – in earnest!  While it may not fully be “my” DD anymore, this still remains the level of service and submission that I want to give him.

One nuance of my new found Service and Submission is that I am not just doing what I am told.  I am more focused on anticipating Mike’s needs.  This became clear to me as he was talking to me about what he expected of me.  He said it is simply impractical to make up lists of duties and obligations and I needed to start thinking of ways to anticipate what he wants. The way he put it was, “You know all my preferences and pet peeves, so now it was time for you to accommodate all of them.”   ‘Nuf said.

I’ve been able to immediately do that.  There is a lot of, “Would you like this, Sir,” Would you like that, Sir,”  “What service would you like from me now, Sir?”   Right now it is fun because it is new and novel, I hope I feel that way a month from now.

Mike told me to come up with FIVE THINGS THAT I FEEL WOULD BETTER SERVE HIM.  He didn’t want me to tell him what they were, just that I should start doing them and blog what the five things are. 

Thus, his order for me to blog this!

Here’s the challenge –

At our Maintenance Session on Sunday he will name 5 things that he noticed me doing that he found the most meaningful and memorable to him.  He said the key is to come up with 5 mind-blowing things that would differentiate themselves from the many other new things I am doing to serve him.  My challenge was to understand that of all the new things I was doing for him, which 5 would make him feel the most served.  My service to him in this task is to show that I understand what 5 things would mean the most to him.  If I fail in that service, I will be punished.

On Sunday he will name me the five things he felt were the most meaningful.  He will then pull up this post and see if they match to the five things I noted.

The threat of punishment really wasn’t necessary, but definitely an added incentive, as this sounded like a fun challenge.  We’ll see just how fun if I fail to get the 5 right.  Anyway, it will hopefully illustrate how well I know him and not just his needs, but which needs he will most appreciate me fulfilling.

– and one caveat, the 5 acts of service can’t include sex.  He said those acts are already a given, and he is looking for new, non-sexual ways for me to serve.

Coming up with Five
His biggest pet peeves have to do with organization.  He isn’t exactly a neat freak, but close enough.  He is definitely much neater than I am and will take time to put things away organized and orderly.  I tend (until now) to just put away something in the first space I can find and as long as I can close the drawer or shut the door, that’s neat enough for me – out of sight, out of mind.  That’s not Mike.  So, my belief is that by focusing on five uber-cleanliness ideas, he is certain to take notice of these things above all else I am doing to serve him in new ways.  Here’s what I came up with:

1. Closet and Dresser
   I reorganized his dresser so socks, undies, shirts, etc., are all neatly organized, insanely well folded, and meticulously sorted. For instance, blacks next to dark grays next to light grays, next to blues next to whites. In the closet I hung all his shirts the same direction and even set the hangers equally spaced apart from one another.  It looks really cool, and yes, perhaps a bit creepy as if the closet belongs to one of those perfectionist-germophobe-anal retentive-serial killer types.   Anyway, it looks really cool.  Mike already commented that this looked phenomenal.  I think I got this one down for sure!
2. Picking out his Clothes
   I pick out two things from which he can choose to wear the next day and have them hanging on nice wooden hangers where he can easily see them when he walks into the closet. This includes pants, shirt, socks, and tie. (He normally doesn’t have to wear a tie to work, but sometimes he does if there are client meetings).   I did get a “thank you” each day this week when I did this.  I think this one is pretty solid in the “memorable” column.
3. Ironed and Polished
   I polished his shoes and each night before I get in bed I give them a quick buff. I ironed all his shirts, even his t-shirts and his shorts.  I’ve never done that before – neither has he.  We’ve ironed his work shirts before, but never ironed his casual clothes as well.  This is a major thing for me to take on as it could be very time consuming to maintain.  I hope I am not taking on too much with this one.  Funny, but ironing is one of those iconic 1950’s wifely things to do and now I am doing it.    He definitely noticed this one and I even got a “Wow” from him.  That’s three down, I am sure.
4. Bathroom
   I am a little worried about this one. Not sure it is memorable enough and that he would think to categorize all of these as a “bathroom” experience.  He may look at each thing as separate.  I hope he doesn’t pick two of these things and count them separately, and then he missed the next one?   If he does, that’s his call and I’ll accept it.I reorganize the medicine cabinet and sink cabinets and insanely cleaned the entire bathroom. I even used an old toothbrush to scrub the nooks and crannies.  It sparkles!   While a clean bathroom is nice, (our’s is now immaculate), I am not sure it rises to the level of memorable.  So I tied this in with an overall “bathroom experience.”I put the little fold on the toilet paper like they do at hotels.  Also, when he gets in the shower I take the towels and run them in the dryer for a few minutes and then stand outside the shower, on my knees and naked, holding out the warm towel and I’ll ask him if he would like me to dry him off.  This didn’t work one night because I had already fallen asleep by the time he took his shower and I didn’t wake up when he came into the room.  It’s a bit of a challenge when you are given an early bedtime and he decides to shower late!  I also leave notes on our mirror for him as well.  When he gets home from work the note he sees is a tame love note, but the one he sees at night (when our son is already in bed and not likely to find reason to come into or bathroom), is erotic and steamy.
5. His Car
   After he gets home I check his car and not only pick up any trash, but vacuum if needed, clean the windows and tires, and I give the interior a shot of air freshener. In the mornings, I go out and give his car another shot of air freshener as well.   I’ll check to make sure his car doesn’t need gas and if so, offer to go fill it up for him, and if dirty, take it to the car wash.  Luckily his car was dirty so I got to take it to a car wash for him and I topped off the tank. Now that it is clean, it is typically just a quick wipe of the windows and tires, pick up anything inside, give a quick shot of air freshener, and I am done, all in just a few minutes.   I feel pretty good about this one being memorable.  We’ll see!

As of this writing, I already completed all 5 and are now just maintaining them each day!  I’ve been very busy this last few days!

In addition I’ve been doing some other things that are new and service oriented.  My concern is that he might value one or more of those new things over the five I listed above.

Wave of Energy!
I am in constant motion every day!  Other than sitting down to blog and journal, I haven’t had a moment of idle time.  But the thing is, instead of feeling wiped out, I feel energized.  The day seems to zip past.   Despite the chores, I am excited, enthusiastic, and, I know it isn’t dragging me down because I am also extra horny.

Approaching a Wall?
I have this sense that at some point I may hit a wall.  I shared this thought with Mike.  He said he will be on the lookout for that and wants me to say something the moment I begin to lose this boost of steam I’ve found.  I believe this steam comes from this initial thrill I am getting with amping up my Service to Mike, but it also comes from the fact I am getting really good rest.  Mike has kept me on a strict bedtime!

Pampering!
I am so glad I shared with Mike that I am concerned that I am riding a high and could crash at some point.   Sharing my thoughts and feelings are a requirement of our DD, and this is a great example of where it pays off to do so.  Mike said he will give me a specific task for the day and sometimes those tasks are pampering treats.  For instance, today he wanted me to get a manicure and pedicure tomorrow.  Oh darn, I guess I will have to figure out how to fit that in.   For today he asked me to go purchase some hanging flower baskets to freshen up our back patio.  Darn again!  I get to go shopping, and I love gardening activities.  HOWEVER, there is a catch – I have to either wear my butt plug, nipple clamps, or breast binder whenever I go out on a “pampering treat.”

I don’t think I mentioned the breast thingy before.  Perhaps “halter” is a better name for it?  Not sure what they call it.  It was something Mike got some time ago.  I’ve worn it at home as part of punishments, but never wore it out until now.  I can have a bra on over it.  It is worn like a bra and has straps that encircle my breasts that you can tighten, given them a tight squeeze.  It can get very tight where my tits can start getting pink/purple.   Mike wants to make sure there is some reminder of my service to him even when I am getting pampered.   I found if I wear the right baggy t-shirt, I can have it on and it not be too noticeable.  Kinda’ the same thing with the nipple clamps.  I have one pair that is very small and easily hides as long as I am not wearing anything too tight.

Until this Service honeymoon euphoria wears off, I am sure enjoying myself.  It almost doesn’t feel right for it to feel this good and rewarding to serve and submit him – but no one said you have to be miserable in order to Serve.

I am joyful!

Next: 51. Olympic Post: Gold, Brazilian, Cunnilingus?