Tag Archives: jealously

88. Something true

truth

Infection
My last post left off with my realization that I let jealously and resentment infect some of my interactions with Donna.  I must clarify that those feelings have nothing to do with our unique relationship/arrangements regarding sex and submission.  While those feelings are also at the heart of what I wrote about in Post 80 regarding Kayla – again, I now know that those feelings had nothing to do with the potential path we may go down regarding a deeper and more intimate relationship with her.

These negative feelings are all about my coming to terms with the needs of my son.  I will refer to him as J.  It sure is a lot easier to type “J” every time than saying, “my son,” “our son,” etc.

I’ve shared that J has special needs and likely will not be able to ever be independent.  As he is now 16, we are seeing some signs that he may be able to function in a group home type setting or with some level of autonomy.  My husband and I have talked about at some point perhaps moving and getting a large lot where we could have a second, smaller apartment-sized home on the property where he could live.

Source of my Infection
I discovered a feeling I never recognized or confronted before.  It has probably been there for a long time, but I pushed it down through various means.  Pre-DD is was kept at bay by trying to control and solve every problem of the world.   Now that I have given up being everyone’s problem solver, it took 17 months for this feeling to finally make itself known.  I have resentment over having a special needs child.   This is soooo hard for me to state.  I feel awful and sad for feeling that way.

The trigger that would project this feeling into my interactions with Donna or Kayla is that they are so “free”, and I am not.  Donna is an empty-nester, Kayla is just beginning her adult life.  While I can try to reconcile this by recognizing they both have their own shit to deal with, my shit is, well, shittier.  That’s a dumb way to think, but, well, that’s what I am thinking when the resentment builds.

I definitely don’t project that resentment on J.  He didn’t ask for or cause the issue and he deserves and gets nothing but unconditional and tremendous love from both Mike and me.  I don’t project this resentment on Mike, because he is in the same boat as me and does a great job of helping out with J.   I don’t project it on my sisters or other family members because I feel they have their own set of issues and challenges in life and they still find time to lend me their support and love regarding help with J. So, who does that leave as targets?  Ah – my friends and acquaintances.

Targets of my infection
My circle of close friends is  small.  There are many we socialize with – past and present co-workers of both Mike’s and of mine, old high school and college friends, etc.  But that is mostly casual socialization and not a deep and meaningful friendship.   Pretty much there are three people who I fully confide with that are outside my family.   There is Amy, which I talked about in post 62 and post 64.  She lives in another state.  While we remain close, it is more via email, FB, and the occasional phone call.  Not enough interaction to ever project resentment towards her.  So that leaves only Donna and Kayla.  Donna for sure, and only recently, Kayla.   Yep, they’ve become an easy target towards which I can project my resentment.

Thank you Domestic Discipline
It is totally unfair to them, I know, but it is the reality of it.  I have always been very introspective and always have sought to get to the bottom of my feelings.  However, pre-DD this would have taken longer to identify (actually, it would never have been identified) and once identified, I wouldn’t have shared it with anyone, even Mike.

I must credit DD with “forcing” me to share my feelings (let alone helping lead me to my catharsis per my prior post).    By sharing exactly what I was feeling with Mike, it allowed me to have an empathetic and supportive partner to help address this.  Further, my DD “gave me permission” to then share this with Donna and Kayla.   That sounds silly, because it was something we all have – ability to share our feelings.  But there are often hundreds of reasons we choose not to do so.  My DD basically says there are no reasons to do so and I must share, at least with Mike.  Once shared with him, I found it easy to share with others that I love or have a deep friendship with. Plus, Mike ordered it – although, I took it more as an encouragement, re, “You need to talk to Donna and Kayla about what you are feeling.”

As shared in Post 80, I was able to talk to Kayla at that time and admit I was feeling jealous and resentful.  However, only now, after feeling that way towards Donna, do I realize I had the cause of those feelings wrong.  In that post I attributed it to lack of control over our possible sexual relationship with Kayla.  Yes, I felt relieved to gain that control, but that was only a band-aide and not the cure for the resentment.   Just like pre-DD, “having control” helped bury the resentment, but the resentment was still there.  For years, having control of a situation was just a proxy that fooled myself into believing I was solving for my lack of control over J’s disability.

I like the saying that “emotion comes with an entourage of associates.”   I don’t know if that is a saying anyone else has said or if I created it.  I just know I picked it up at some point. What I mean is that emotions are complex and getting to the root cause can be a challenge.  Even when you think you’ve found it, you may be fooled by one of the “associates” who were disguised or hidden.  I guess that is what keeps psychologists in business.

Anyway, such was the situation with Kayla.  While there is no guarantee I finally got it right, I feel highly sure of myself that indeed the root cause of this is from my feelings about J’s disability.

I’ve now been able to confront this head on by having a conversation with both Donna and Kayla (separately) about my behavior towards them at times.  Just recognizing it and discussing it with those that it impacts does so much to start healing it – it’s amazing.

Something that is true doesn’t always require the truth
I feel foolish for feeling resentment about anything.  I have a wonderful life filled with opportunities and love – probably more than most people.  But, we crave what we crave, we love what we love, and we resent what we resent, whether or not those feelings make sense, because, well, feelings are not logical (just look at our presidential election – hee hee. . . or perhaps not so “hee hee”).

Feelings, while they are true, they don’t require the truth.  There can be unquestionable evidence that tells us we should feel a certain way, yet, those facts are dismissed or entirely missed due to painful feelings that distort our reasoning or simply due to cognitive dissonance. Thus, we continue to hang on to a “truth” that isn’t true (it’s like that with beliefs too).  If what I am stating is untrue, we would all feel the same way about things or believe the same things.  The fact that we do not tells us that logic and  what is “true” does not prevail.  Feelings and beliefs prevail.

That’s where I am right now.   I have lots of reasons (truths) to never feel resentful for my lot in life, yet at times, I let resentment enter.  Ideally I’ll reach a point where it is no longer present, but until then, it is no longer hidden from me.  I can recognize it and look it in the eye and do my best to subdue it.  And because I am able to share this with those that are impacted by it, and those people are loving and caring, they too can help me recognize and subdue it.

Just recognizing all this makes me feel 10 times better and feel more compassion, love, and gratitude for my life and those in my life. Resentment doesn’t stand a chance!

Okay, enough pouring out of my emotions.  Let’s talk about some spankings or some sizzling sexcapades with Donna, or what exactly is going on with us and Kayla!   Maybe next post.

89. Spank Jealousy Away

80. Breakthrough – what a week.

breakthru

I have only previously blogged about stuff that has happened and that I resolved already, or perhaps that happened and I resolve within my next post.  Sorry that this has turned into my own little soap opera where the plot lines barely budge.  Such is life!

So yes, once again my topic is about Kayla.  But, if you can stand this awfully long post, there was a breakthrough today!!.  No, not a clearer path forward, but, to be exact, clearer paths from which to choose, with “choice” being the operative word.

I thought about breaking this up into two posts, but this is already my fifth straight post about this situation that all started less than a week ago. (If  you want to start from the beginning, you can start at 76. Meet the Babysitter).  I don’t want to bore you and thus think it is time to put this topic to rest until there is some clearer resolution.  I’ll try to post about something else next time.

I left off at my last post stating that I asked Kayla to better articulate how she envisions our relationship if it were to become sexual.  She doesn’t have classes on Friday’s and spent practically the entire day with me, from about 8 this morning until about 4.  Oh, here’s a chance to share a bit more with you about Kayla.

MORE ABOUT KAYLA
She graduates in a few months.  She is leaning towards taking the Spring semester off and starting grad school next fall.  Her father does well and I think both her parents make up for some of their shortcomings by providing financial support.  While she has worked a few part-time jobs here and there, she has mostly volunteered her time.  Her parents (mostly her dad) fully pay for her school and give her a nice monthly allowance and she has a car.

She has talked about moving out of her mom’s at the end of this semester and getting her own apartment but would need a roommate to make it work.  Even if she wouldn’t start classes until next fall, her dad offered to up her allowance and help with living expenses if she does decide to enroll in a Master’s program for next fall and decides to move out at the end of this semester.   Even with that help she wants a roommate to keep the costs down and just feels safer living with someone.  She is currently talking to friends and looking for roommate prospects.

I would share more about her parents but since I am using her real name I figure I shared enough already.  Suffice to say there are some challenges she has faced in her upbringing that make it all the more remarkable that she does not have the types of personal issues you might expect.  She credits having a couple of good role models – Her aunt and us!

I was touched by her telling us this.  She shared more about how she always paid close attention to how people interacted and was very aware that her parents were not representative of how it could be or how it should be.  While there were times it was tough to not blame herself, she mostly understood it as their problem, not her problem, and thus didn’t take a lot of the disappointment personally.  She said that both her aunt and us were so loving and nurturing that she never fully felt “wrong, weird, or unloved.”  I think that is amazing, especially when she talks about thinking that way when she was a little girl.  Sad that a child had to show that maturity, but I guess it is also fortunate that she did because it allowed her to cope in more positive ways.   Yes, I feel she has some abandonment issues, but she doesn’t do drugs and appears to be very stable emotionally.

She said she always felt older than she was, which is why her friends always tended to be 3-5 years older than her, if not more.  It was also why she loved to hang around us so much.  I can’t tell you how many times over the years she would come over or join me on an outing, offering to help even when it wasn’t for pay.   When her parents divorced when she was 15, she stayed with us for about week as her dad moved out and her mom “came to terms” (I’ll just call it that), with her new reality.

BACK TO OUR CONVERSATION
I asked her what her “dream” relationship with us would look like.

She admitted that she was still formulating that in her mind, and that she thought having time to think all this through was beneficial.   She has also been reading up on Domestic Discipline and Dom/sub relationships.  She said the thought of all of that is new, but not completely foreign.  She did have a boyfriend once who liked to tie her up, just her hands and legs.  She found it very thrilling and likes the thought of giving up control, but, that was specifically around sex and not day-to-day or with spanking.  She has never been spanked before.

She said a part of her just wants to have fun, more the “F*ck Buddy” scenario, a casual sexual relationship.  She used John and Donna as an example.  She asked, “Why not just something like that?”

I responded that certainty that was one of the options we’ve been talking about and then I went into all my previously stated concerns that could result.

But, she said she does think about something more intimate, more of a relationship.  She’s already the third wheel in a casual sexual relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend.  She said she definitely doesn’t want a second one like that and would stop having sex with them if the three of us were having sex.  But she said the thoughts of that just don’t seem as fulfilling to her as what she would like to have right now.

She said she also can envision being part of our dynamic, a “fellow sub.”    Ugg, that word “fellow” is a trigger word for me, I had to remind myself to stay compassionate and loving as she meant no harm in using those words.

I held back my impulse to say, “Look missy, you will never be “fellow” anything.  The pecking order would be Mike, me, and THEN you, get it.  We may both submit to Mike, but you follow my lead too, and don’t think for a second you’ll somehow have less expected of you than what is expected of me…blah, blah, blah, anger, anger, anger.”

Instead, I did say, “again, that is one of the options we’ve been talking about and in that arrangement, I would not be comfortable with you as a “fellow sub.”   While to some extent we would be in it together, I would also want you to defer to me in some way.  I haven’t figured out what that means yet, but I know that one of my stumbling blocks is that I cannot accept you a peer.  A close friend, confidant, and lover, yes, but, “peer”, no.  I told her this is my hang-up for thinking this way, not her hang-up for wanting it that way.  Perhaps over time I could see it differently, but I know that is not going to change any time soon.”

We also talked about my concern for her thinking it as a “game.”  After all, she would have her life to go back to.  It is hard to be a part-time sub.   What, she comes over for a few hours and is submissive?  I just don’t see that working.  In order for me to be comfortable I need to feel she is more committed.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
Then Kayla had an epiphany that perhaps seems obvious to you, but Mike and I missed it.  What if she moved in with us?   Yikes, a whole different proposition and potential for problems.

Let me give a bit more context about the potential living arrangements.  We have a four bedroom house and we have a large master bedroom that has double doors to enter.  When you enter, immediately off to the left is a whole other bedroom.  To the right it goes into the master bedroom.   When the house was built we had an option of putting a door in the hallway to lead to the fourth bedroom, or, leave the hallway wall intact, and put the door on the inside of the master bedroom entry way.  We opted for that because when my son was smaller, we liked him being basically right next to us.  We later installed another set of doors to the right of the master entry way, such that when you enter the double doors, to your left is the door to the spare bedroom, and the right is another door into the master.   We did this for added privacy, and because we have used that room as a guest room and someone usually has to sleep in it when all my boys are home at the same time.

Well, if I suspend all judgement just for the moment and entertain the thought of her moving in, it would make sense that we could make that Kayla’s room.  We also have one other spare bedroom, but it used a lot by my other son when he is home, and still has a lot of his stuff in it.  Our fourth room has become my husband’s office.

Then there is the issue of my son.  It may help to understand a bit more about his relationship with Kayla.  Although there is only a 5 year age difference chronologically, with my son’s special needs he is more like an 11-12 year old on many levels vs 16.   And Kaya, as I already talked about, is wise beyond her years and perhaps is more like a 30-year-old than 21.  And my son sees her the same way.  When he was actually about 8-9 years old he started calling her Ms. Kayla, even though she was 13-14 at the time.   We joked at that time that perhaps subconsciously our son figured out that since Kayla now had breasts, she deserved the title of “Ms.” Whatever the reason, he has looked at her as an adult for some time.  Furthering that mindset is that many times for many years, we’ve told him before, “let the adults talk” or “don’t worry, that is something us adults can be concerned with.”  Yet we were including Kayla as one of those “adults” even though she was a young teen at the time.

What I am trying to say is that their relationship is not that of a playmate, but as a caregiver.  This doesn’t change any of the concerns I shared, because I have known this since the beginning, I just didn’t clarify that with you, the reader.  So don’t think my sharing it now is a way of justifying acceptance of her moving in, it is not.  I just wanted you to have the full context.  My concerns remain.

I told Kayla that I hadn’t considered the idea of her moving in.  That definitely would show a greater commitment to us, so my concern is whether or not her commitment to us would match ours to her.  I can only imagine that it can be very difficult and it would be easy to develop “third wheel syndrome.”   It would take effort on all our parts to avoid this.

I went on to share that if we did that, I don’t see it working unless she became submissive to Mike.  She couldn’t be living her AND has a casual sexual relationship.   We would even need her to write a contract, similar to mine (not identical unless she wanted).  I asked her to go ahead and work on one so we could talk about it.  I half regret saying that as it seems like a self-fulfilling thing.   Her writing one creates momentum towards it actually happening, and that momentum may be hard to stop.   I was clear that I was not committed to any particular path forward yet.  I have a lot of concerns, but some of them could be answered in knowing what kind of structure she would willing to live under.

At that point I don’t know if I was feeling better, or worse, about where things are.  Still a bit confused and it still seemed like it is moving too fast – even though at this point we are just talking options and all agreed not to pursue anything right away.

A BREAKTHROUGH
I shared this with Mike.  He said that he has definitely heard me and my concerns and while he doesn’t share all of them, he completely understands why I feel as I do and that he would have a hard time demanding something of me that where I have so many doubts.  He said there are some things where he feels he knows me better than I do, so is able to request something of me that perhaps in the moment I might not like.  However, he can see that I have given this a lot of thought and it could be a disaster if he forced a solution.  Sounds good, but then he said, “But, ultimately, while Kayla can decide for herself, I am the decider for us and if I believe we can address your concerns, then so be it.”

When he said this, my first reaction in my mind way, “Oh, he just wants to play with me and keep me in suspense while also keeping the mantle of Dom.”  But, he didn’t say it in a playful tone.

Then it hit me!  This is the root of my hang-ups.  Kayla has a say, because she is deciding for herself, and I don’t.  This is about my need to not be “less than” Kayla.   Even though it was no one’s intentions for that, clearly, she has more power in this situation than I do, so in that respect, I may be subject to her will, assuming Mike agrees with her.

THAT’S MY ISSUE.   That is jealously and resentment at its’ finest!

I realized that for the most part I was able to talk calmly with Kayla about the possibilities, entertaining the pros and cons of each.  But my resentment raises its ugly head once it comes down to thinking about an actual decision that I don’t have final say in or if she uttered any words that inferred we were equal.  I was not feeling equal, I was feeling “less than” so in reaction, I wanted to be sure that whatever we did made it clear I was not her equal.

It became clear to me that I don’t just want to be an advocate for my feelings and hope that Mike sees it my way.  I need it to be my way.   How very un-sub of me!

I shared these thoughts with Mike, as I am required to.  Nothing says my thoughts have to be submissive, and I am required to share all my thoughts with Mike.  I just must maintain a respectful tone and ultimately agree with his decisions.   Also, while typically any difference of opinion I have on things are reserved for discussion during our Maintenance session, Mike already established an exception on the topic of Kayla, as he knew Kayla and I were talking daily and that he and I needed to openly discuss the issue on a daily basis.

IF IT PLEASES HIS LORDSHIP 
I went to Mike, took his hand, and kneeling before him I said, with an utmost respectful and overly formal tone, “Sir, with all your good grace, and in keeping with your spirit of wisdom and authority, and in knowing that I will act in revelation and fulfillment to your deepest desires and the best interests of our family, I humbly ask that you demand of me the task of being the decider on any changes in our relationship with Kayla.”  It may have helped that I stroked his cock while I said it.

In any event, he said, “Sure.”  Then he took on an English accent, waved his arm and proclaimed, “Let it be granted.”  Then said in a monotone, “but do it by the time the fall semester is over, if not sooner.”   We often use humor as a way of conveying how serious a matter is to us.  Seems backwards, but that’s how we roll!

Immediately, I felt a weight lifted.  Now I am energized to really work at a solution in a positive mindset.    And I don’t mean a solution that puts Kayla in our house or that does not put her in our house.  Just that I can now take time to talk with her and attempt to set all the right expectations for the both of us.  If we can’t come to a common understanding of how it should be, then we know it is simply not going to be.

So now a new doubt came to mind.  If you consider this a “negotiation,” which sounds so dull, but I guess reconciling our concerns is a type of negotiation, then is this negotiation fair?  Kayla is at a transition point in her life with moving out of her mom’s house, and the uncertainties that has may make living with us seem so much safer to her.  Will that persuade her to agree to something that perhaps she normally wouldn’t agree to?    That could be a set up for disappointment.   Ug, I think I over think this stuff.  I am always concerned about the decision we make that we think are for one reason, but later learn were influenced by other factors that we were oblivious to at the time.

I called Kayla and told her that when drafting a contract I want her to forget what I told her about my needs to not come across as a peer.  I told her if that made her comfortable, then that is what she needs to ask for.   I told her that the only way I am every completely going to let go of some of my concerns is if I feel confident that she is going into it not just committed, but truly on her own terms.  I said I am just as happy if she looks at what she writes and then decides, “Nope, I just can’t do that.”  We can then talk about whether the casual sex route is the way to go.  And if we don’t like the way that would be, then hey, we have had some amazing conversations, are closer than ever, and things continue a bit more like normal.

I FEEL BETTER! 
Still unclear where this will go, but better that we have three clear paths and the fortitude to take the one that is best for all.   Okay, I’ll admit, best for me. . . but, not in a selfish way.  Best for me means I am convinced that it is best for Kayla and Mike too. . . But ultimately, yes, best for me. . . there, I admit it, no qualifying it.

NEXT:  81. Expectations

79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealousy, Guilt

jealous

I am very anxious. I need to purge my emotions, so apologize in advance if this becomes a rant. I don’t think I am saying anything I haven’t shared with Mike and Kayla, but perhaps some new or more constructive ways to express my feelings will emerge.  This is a continuation of what I’ve shared in this post and this post, and in this post as well.  Sorry to have to share as the events unfold, but it sure is great therapy to write this.

This whole thing with Kayla has me all out of sorts and I can’t put my mind to just about anything for more than a few seconds without it drifting back to our situation with Kayla. I already talked about the risks that concern me, such as the increased need to practice safe sex, the implications of Kayla being someone who our son is close to, and my motherly instincts being more prevalent when I interact with Kayla and thus makes it harder for my mind to see her in a certain way. In addition, my concern that her neediness may cause problems.

What if we pursued something?
Putting everything aside that I previously stated, the other issues are that if we did pursue a sexual relationship, what exactly would that entail?   F*ck-buddies?  Would she partake as a submissive?  It sure seems to be leaning toward the latter…and submissive to just Mike, or perhaps to me as well?  What would that be like?   These are all questions I’ve posed and the three of us have discussed. And here is where we stand.

F-buddies?
I only use this term because Kayla had used it to describe her relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend. Kayla said that she does not want that for the three of us, that we mean so much more to her and that it is so much deeper than just a physical interaction. She talked of saying she would end the sex with her best friend if we all pursued a relationship. She even used the term, “I love you guys.”   And of course, we love her, she knows that, and we said so.   While that could be a good thing, to me, it is part of my struggle.   The situation could set her up for disappointment or hurt later on. I can only imagine what being “the third wheel” could be like and beyond disappointment and hurt, it could build resentment on her part.   Bottom line, it could turn our great relationship into an unhealthy one for her. That has implications for all of us.

And, just what kind of relationship would this be?   I guess it could be called poly, which I’ve never really considered. I have no qualms with that term, but, is that what this would be? Kayla uses the term “relationship” so there seems to be a certain level to commitment she is willing to make, but are we?

Her as a submissive?
When I think about this I actually feel two feelings that rarely surface in me. I feel a level of resentment with a dash of jealousy.   I am not a jealous person by nature, it is very un-me! I don’t like it. Here’s what’s going through my mind.

Waves of Resentment.

  • I work hard on my submissiveness, she may not take it as seriously as I do. She may not be committed to it as I am. She may look at it as simply a game.   I resent all of that.
  • What rules would she have? Same as me? Different? If different, are they less/more restrictive than mine? If she can do something without punishment but I can’t, well, that’s just messed up. Who does she think she is? I resent that.
  • Would she also be accountable to me? I like that, but we would have figure out how that works as ultimately I do want Mike to be the ultimate authority figure and I want to be fair with Kayla. However, I like the idea that there is something to remind Kayla that despite her participation, she is not my peer. If she thinks of me as a peer, I resent that!
  • Her level of commitment could never be consistent just due to lifestyle. She lives with her mom and goes to school. What, she comes over now and then when she chooses?   It makes it seem more like a game for her and not a lifestyle. Again, I take my commitment seriously and she will just be unable to do the same, even if she wanted to. I resent that!

Add in some Guilt.
Then I begin feeling guilty. Why wasn’t my first response to Kayla not one of compassion but instead a series of assessments as to her “fitness” to be with us?  See, the resentment is already manifesting itself in unhealthy ways as it poisons my empathy and compassion.

I shared just about everything I’ve written here with her, and of course, it did make her sad and she cried.  Not a full on cry, but teary eyed and emotional.  I know it wasn’t just in what I said, but in the manner in which I said it.  I know my tone was somewhat biting.  I apologized for my tone and tried to explain that it is not about a deficiency in her, it is about the realities of where she is at in life compared to ours and that despite our mutual love and respect, it just may be incompatible to the type of relationship we are considering.

All of my concerns are just as much about my own baggage and needs as it is about hers.   Ug, that sounded a bit like, “it’s not you, it’s me.”   But I want her to know I don’t see her as unworthy.

Dash of Insecurity?
I also have concerns about priorities. Will Kayla be a high enough priority for Mike and I that we do right by her, and will we be a high enough priority that she does right by us?  In other words, do we end up just considering each other as “available options” or is the relationship to be more meaningful than that. Not that whatever we have can’t be casual if that is what we decide, or that it can’t be more meaningful if that is what we decide, but each route has implications.

We all are works in progress to some degree, but Kayla, given her age and background is just more so.  I also am aware that whatever issues a person has they bring to any relationship. That’s a given and by itself not necessarily a problem.  But it can become one if that person is not willing to work on their own issues or allow help from their partners.   So far Kayla has impressed me with her own self-awareness of her needs, her strengths, and her weaknesses.  Including her willingness to seek advice and guidance and be open to constructive feedback.  That’s a plus, but apparently not enough to eliminate my concerns.

While I have been very impressed with Kayla’s reaction and responses, it has not lessened my anxiety about all these things. Yes, she has some needs, but don’t we all. She’s loving, caring, and self-aware, has some abandonment type issues with her parents but recognizes that and does not shy away from it. I can see that this could be fun and could be meaningful. But, my life is so good right now, and has already moved pretty fast in just the last 18 months. None of the positives I see with Kayla are enough to reduce my anxiety, resentment, and jealously, nor reduce my guilt for feeling anxious, resentment, and jealous.  And then we have the concerns I first expressed in my other posts.  Concerns about complicating my life and the fact Kayla is someone special to my son.

All these bad feelings.
 
Sum it all up and another significant roadblock is whether or not we could ever have an arrangement where I don’t feel these negative feelings.  I don’t want to feel these things but that doesn’t change the fact that right now I do.  I know these feeling would end up manifesting themselves in various unhealthy ways. Unhealthy for me, my relationship with Mike, and for Kayla.   If I can’t get past these feelings, we just can’t move forward.

Mike and Kayla both seem to be outpacing me on this issue. While they are not dismissive of my concerns, they feel more carefree about just diving in, living life, and what happens will happen. I have reiterated with Mike that I stand by my commitments to him and will abide by anything he decides.

Where we are today
Mike said we should having a “cooling off” period so we all can reflect and continue to discuss our feelings.  That makes me happy and does reduce my anxiety a bit.  Mike set a date of November 15, where he said no decisions should be made before then. We’ll reassess on that date and he may decide we continue to wait or not, assuming Kayla is aboard with what he decides – which apparently she is.

One question I posed to Kayla that she has not been able to fully articulate is how she sees this dynamic working in her mind. What does she see as the ideal situation for her?   She has shared bits and pieces but hasn’t thought it through enough, so I am hopeful some additional time will allow her to understand and share her own needs and expectations better.   I hope that for myself as well.

Next:  80.  Breakthrough.  What a Week!