178. Embracing Shame

I posted before about how Kayla’s submission is different from mine (Post 111. DD Jenny Style vs. Kayla Style).  I thought I’d revisit this as I’ve been thinking about the feelings I get versus the feelings she gets from being submissive and from being disciplined.  Writing about this then morphed into something a little different.  It led me to dive more deeply into my feelings, more specifically, my feelings of shame, and why I embrace that feeling.  Hey’s it’s been awhile since I’ve had an esoteric ramble.  Indulge me! 

Words won’t tell the complete story because words carry different meanings for each of us.  Whatever words I use will probably be taken to mean something different by some of you, and those differences may be small, or may be large.  Overall I would say Kayla’s submission has more “grit” to it than mine.  The discipline she receives is more harsh than mine.  I am tempted to use words like demeaning or humiliating but I know Kayla does not see it that way.  She likes to frame it as her finding growth, healing, and thus ultimately satisfaction, in feelings of shame and embarrassment in front of Mike.  She does not label what she feels as feelings of being demeaned or humiliated.

It made me think more deeply about the differences between humiliation and shame and led me to further embrace shame. 

HUMILIATE VS HUMBLE
Humiliation connotes disgrace or disrepute.  It infers feelings that clearly cross over from simple humility into, well, into humiliation.  But, the definition of humiliation includes “shame,” and “embarrassment.”   Hum. . . the exact words Kayla uses to define her feelings on being disciplined.

This just underscores for me that words are power and the same word can mean different things to different people.  It would be easy for me to label what she goes through as “humiliation” and while many of the feelings she gets fit that definition, she would never describe it that way.  Interesting.  And I am sure some of you would label what I go through as “humiliation” and I would never describe it that way.  Interesting indeed!

I know some of you may be like me and view humiliation as a more intense and unpleasant version of humility.  Other may see them as essentially identical, so much so you may be fine with exploring deeper and deeper senses of humiliation.   Nothing wrong with that, but that’s not me.  But, it does seem to be more to Kayla’s liking.

DEGRADE VERSUS SHAME
Clearly humiliation and shame are at least cousins, if not siblings.  They come from similar places but carry a different meaning.   And what “humiliation” is to “humbled,” I think “degrading” is to “shame.”  The definition of degrading also includes the word shame and humiliation. So again, in a lot of ways all these words are the same — but yet different.  The difference is in degrees as measured by each individual person.   To me, being degraded is like humiliation and shame on steroids.  To others, simply being made to feel shameful could be considered degrading.

One of my feelings during discipline is a feeling of shame.  Shame for my behavior and a keen awareness of my guilt.  I often think that is why discipline is so effective.   The various negative feelings anyone may have about their behavior is often locked up deep inside, behind their pride and arrogance.  Unlocking those feelings often require more than just a talk.  Domestic Discipline helps unlock those feelings.  More precisely, the shame that discipline evokes helps unlock and purge those feelings.

CRYING
Here was an interesting connection for me.  Kayla said the likelihood and degree of her crying during discipline correlates to the degree of shame and embarrassment she was feeling.  I sort of knew this, but never fully connected that.  When she said it, I immediately recognized that I feel exactly the same way!   While the actual physical pain might be part of any crying, it is more about the emotional release of the guilt through the shame.  Very much the reason I cried during the last spanking I shared.  The more shame I feel, the more likely I am to cry.

Both Kayla and I agreed that embarrassment also plays a small part in the “cry factor.”  The first ten times or so of being disciplined carried a lot of “embarrassment” factor, thus more tears.  Likely from a combination of nervousness from uncertainty along with the embarrassment from the vulnerability of being naked.  Of course, then there is the whole feeling of knowing you are going to be spanked.  There is still the occasional feeling of embarrassment when we do something particularly bad.  For me it is more likely to come with a repeated offense.

I have evolved in my submission where I feel greater absolution, greater nourishment, greater release of negative thoughts, a greater connection with Mike, a greater connection with who I want to be — all through feeling ashamed of my behavior or attitude.  I believe this is why I evolved from needing Mike to “correct me” when I failed myself, i.e., “My DD,” to needing him to do so when I fail him, i.e., “DD for me.” (Post 167. What is “Mine” versus What is “For Me”).  Further, it is why I wanted him to make lecturing or scolding me a regular part of my Discipline.  For me, it carries more shame to fail him than it does to fail myself.  Through that shame, I heal, I improve, I achieve, I love.

Any discipline I receive is a process that leads, sometimes painfully, to the point of awakening my sense of shame.  And the greater my shame, the greater the tears.  Discipline as a deterrent is not just about the unpleasantness of being spanked , it is about the even greater unpleasantness of being made to feel ashamed of my actions.

NUDITY
Thought I’d comment on this since I mentioned it as part of the “embarrassment” factor.  It goes beyond just embarrassment.  Heck, my husband has seen me naked countless times.  It is not about shame regarding my body.  Far from it.  It is about vulnerability.  We are naturally more humbled when we feel vulnerable, thus it feeds into the feeling of humbleness (or humiliation if you prefer).

Oh – nudity, at least being bare-bottom at a minimum, also serves a functional purpose in discipline.  It is wise for the Dom to be able to see the results of what they are doing so as not to inflict unintended injury.

LECTURING
In the past, Mike did not lecture or scold me during Discipline.  Sometimes he would say something briefly about what I did, but it didn’t amount to scolding.  I wanted to add this to our dynamic and Mike readily agreed.  While I have yet to experience it, I am more afraid of my first lecture than I am of my next spanking.   It makes my stomach turn to knots and I can almost cry just thinking about it.

I can imagine his lecturing will make it painfully clear (as in emotionally painful) that I let myself and him down.  That he must take and is willing to take this drastic action because he loves me and knows it is for my own good.  I know he prefers not to spank me, but his greatest preference is to not encourage my misbehavior.  He has that preference because he loves me and he knows it is also my preference.  Just thinking about all of this makes me want to cry – and then you add the physical discipline to it.   Yikes!

DISCIPLINE CEREMONY
I thought it would be helpful to add this.  I think having a Discipline Ceremony also feeds into my sense of shame.  You can read about our Ceremony in our Contract.  Having to remain silent, having to collect the implement, having to stand in the corner, having to assume whatever position he asks,  or whatever else is expected of me during the Discipline — all have a humbling, thus shameful impact on me.

Shame from the Ceremony.   Shame from Nudity.  Shame from Physical Discipline.  I am accustomed to those.  Now, we have Shame from Lecturing.  I talked with Mike and forewarned him I may cry like never before the first time I have to be Disciplined under our newest agreement.   I don’t want him to be caught off guard by it or misinterpret it.

I embrace shame.  I embrace it as my healer, as my absolution, as my willingness to submit to Mike.

NEXT: 179. Kayla’s Social Life

173. Potpourri of my new Domestic Discipline

This post covers a potpourri of topics regarding our DD 3.0. (upcoming changes to our Contract).

MANTRAS
As I shared in Post 169. Adding Ritual to Our DD, Mike told me (see Vocabulary below) to create a Morning Mantra to recite when I first wake up, and a Nighttime Mantra to recite when going to bed.   Per his instructions I submitted several from which he could choose.  

MORNING MANTRA
“Today I desire submission;
through humility, not humiliation,
through service, not suffering, 
through being present, not in pain
through being useful, not used,  
through discipline, not punishment, 
through focusing on Mike’s desires, my only need and purpose.” 

EVENING MANTRA
“Thank you Mike. 
Thank you Mike for leading, as I follow you.
Thank you Mike for working, as I serve you.
Thank you Mike for providing, as I appreciate you.
Thank you Mike for guiding, as I obey you.
Thank you Mike for deciding, as I trust you.
I look forward to tomorrow when we get to do it all again.

I say them three times whenever I am to recite them, and must do so whether or not Mike is with me.  I must also be prepared to recite them anytime Mike asks.  Again, the purpose of these is a focusing exercise to help put me in or keep me in a submissive mindset.  I am working to get these memorized by the 17th when they will be required.

QUARTERLY GOALS
Our new Contract has a Quarterly Goal Setting Requirement with consequences for not achieving the goal.  Each quarter Mike sets a goal for me that is focused on my “inner peace or self-development.”  It could take many forms.  Mike said perhaps it would be to read a certain number of books and provide him a book report of sorts, or research a topic he has in mind and provide him a paper on it.  The first goal was a bit more personal.  It is to lose 18 pounds. That would put me at my weight when we were married. 

That averages to 6 pounds a month, or 1.38 pounds a week (yes, I did the math).  I think I can do it.  And, although I accepted this goal without question or comment, Mike said he would commit to losing 12.  That did prompt me to ask why not 16, which would put him at his “wedding” weight.   He slyly responded, “I’ll commit to the extra four if you commit to another four.”  Yikes!  “No, Sir, 12 is great, thank you.”

There was a time I would have freaked out over Mike commenting on my weight.  Today, I am inspired by his comments.  The biggest difference, beside my submissiveness, is that I am completely confident in my appearance and Mike’s love for me.  I will feel better, be healthier, and look even better for Mike.  It has also helped that in the last two years I’ve shed about twelve pounds without really focusing on it.  I did it mostly through just eating healthier as we had more home cooked meals and less take out.

Another 18 off would mean I would be down 30 pounds from my peak weight!  Yea!  The biggest challenge is that this has to occur over the holidays, where over indulgence is an easy thing – but I have a powerful additional motivation.  I reminded Mike that I may have to buy MORE new clothes when I am done.  That’s more motivation to me than any discipline I may receive if I don’t reach my goal.  No spanking AND I get to shop!?!?   This goal is going to be reached!

VOCABULARY
Mike noticed that, whether in my blog or in speaking, I often refer to things that he as “asked” me to do.  He said this is not proper submissive thinking as he does not “ask.”  Asking infers I can consider whether or not to comply.  From now on he wants me to use words like, “told,” “ordered,” or “instructed.”     Wow, this would be like a slap across the face of the pre-DD Jenny.  But the today-Jen loves it! 

WARDROBE
As shared in Post 168, my wardrobe is getting a makeover.  Out with the t-shirts, pants, jeans, and sneakers (a select few will remain). In with dresses, skirts, and heels (and some new flats).  Mike is allowing me to wear flats around the house.  The heels are just for going out.

I have to give a big THANK YOU to jadescastle.  She suggested these two websites, eshakti.com and modcloth.com for clothing inspiration.  I loved their selection and when I showed Mike, I was floored by his reaction.  I am not disrespecting him when I say that his love for fashion is basically nonexistent – he readily admits it.   However, he flipped out – in a good way – for what he saw.  His reaction to many of the clothes was, “That’s exactly what I was imagining for you, let’s get that one, and that one, and that one too.”    Well, guess what?  That meant a bump in the budget!   Maybe I should have Mike shop with me more often?   Mike joked that it made sense for my clothing budget to at least match our sex toy budget – after all, I am his ultimate sex toy!   By the way, Kayla’s getting some new clothes too!

KAYLA
Speaking of Kayla, I haven’t written anything about her in all my posts about the new Contract.  Simple reason is that she isn’t a party to the Contract.  There isn’t anything in it that pertains directly to her, or with my relationship to her.   But, I will say that watching her thrive under Mike’s Dominance was helpful in getting me to open up about being more submissive to Mike.  Their dynamic has always been D/s with a dab or two of M/s.  It is still different than what Mike and I have, but now has a few more similarities. 

PUBLIC DISPLAY OF SUBMISSION
This point may have been lost on my prior posts, but this new Contract also marks us being willing to display our dynamic more publicly, even among family and friends – including our children.  This doesn’t mean anything sexual or discipline wise – but does include how I speak and act (and dress).    

Mike also told Kayla she is free to explain our relationship, at a high level, to whomever she wants – when it is appropriate.  Mike advised Kayla there needs to be proper context such that her mentioning anything is actually relevant.  In other words, she just doesn’t blurt it out, but she can explain it if asked about her relationship status.  In addition, the explanation should be high level.  For instance, Mike said that when she feels any explanation is warranted, the words she must use is that she is in a “polyamourous submissive relationship with a married couple.”

Beyond that, any other details are really no one’s business; however, it is reasonable to assume a typical reaction would be, “What does that mean?”   Kayla’s response is to state it simply means what it means.  She can answer some yes/no questions they pose, but she is to avoid details.   Mike also told her that she needs to let him know any time she shared any information like this – who she shared it with, why, and what was shared.

REFLECTION
Wow.  This is so crazy when I think about where I was two years ago and where I am today.  A full 180 degrees from DD Jenny Style to perhaps a somewhat more traditional D/s dynamic, if there is such a thing.  I always say DD is about what you want it to be and what two people consent for it to be.  It follows no specific formula, no specific rules, other than whatever brings joy and fulfillment to the couple participating in it.   And as I’ve demonstrated, the things that bring joy and fulfillment can change over time and I am fortunate to have a Dom who changed with me.

In many ways Mike is now the “a-hole” that I once thought John was. (Post 20. Putting on a Show).   Of course I mean that in the affectionate meaning of the word — HA!  I state that because my only reluctance or doubts about what we are doing is in what others may think of Mike.  While Mike is fine with this and said he doesn’t care what others think, it still concerns me.  I want people to see him as I do.  No matter how “D” Mike is, he is still my sweet, loving, and caring husband that he has always been.

NEXT:  Post 174:   My DD 3.0: Domestic Discipline Contract

141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0

It is summer time and that means continuing a “tradition.”   Yes, it means it is time once again for an M/s immersion!   Okay, so perhaps it doesn’t qualify as “tradition” yet as it will be just our second such “immersion,” but it is something I’ve been looking forward to for some time. 

IMMERSION 2016 – a look back
I wrote about our immersion last year (Post 31. June Butterflies – 10 day Total Power Exchange and again Post 34. M/s immersion complete).  What is definitely a tradition is that each summer my parents have my kids spend two weeks with them (of course, now it is mainly just my youngest).  This has always been a time for Mike and I to have some unencumbered fun.  Of course, what constitutes “fun” has been a little different since embracing Domestic Discipline.  

IMMERSION 2017 – a look ahead
Like last year, Mike and I will experiment with taking our dynamic up a notch or two on the Dom/sub scale.  A time to test limits and have extended uninterrupted “adult” time. This year will be a bit different as Kayla is now with us and Mike and I are another year wiser from our experiences.  After all, this time last year we were just 15 months into our DD lifestyle, so now have almost TWICE the experience!  What a difference a year makes.

We discuss what the Immersion will be like this year.  I asked Mike to simply surprise me.  No preconceived limitations, restrictions, or expectations on my part.   I asked that he just feel free to explore his wildest fantasies and let me rely on safe words to communicate when a limit has been reached.  

Kayla said she wanted the same from this immersion, with one addition.  She really enjoyed the group dynamic of the party (Post 139. A very Adults-only Party) and she wants to explore being with several men at once, as long as both Mike and I are present. She said that in her fantasy, Mike and I just watch, neither of us participate.  Thus, she asked if Mike could find “at least three” other men to be involved.  Mike told her he would consider it and it would hinge on him finding the right guys to participate.  John would be one, but the challenge is finding others we can trust.  Two of the couples at the party were really great to hang around.  We know that one of them only play together as a couple, so that leaves the man in the other couple to consider.  So including John, perhaps we are at two good candidates.

I don’t have significant reservations about Kayla’s request.  Not to say I don’t have concerns, but I know Mike takes this seriously and I am confident he will do what he can to make this live up to Kayla’s expectations.  I know this is a big fantasy of Kayla’s and I am happy to help her experience it if we can have all the right controls.  My biggest fear is actually Kayla having unrealistic expectations about it.  If you’ve read my posts you know how I am about expectations.  (Post 81. Expectations)

Thus, we all talked extensively about her request to ensure we are all “calibrated” as to her wants and desires.  I feel Kayla has really matured in her thinking about her submission and sexuality.   In six short months she has found tremendous confidence in sharing her fantasies and has shown discretion in separating pure fantasy from true desires.    

We’ll see what comes of this.  While Mike and I enjoyed the “vibe” of the party (sans Rudy),  we are content with our dynamic and sex life such that we mostly just see complications and disappointments if we make such “parties” the norm for us.  However Kayla wants to explore more and wants the comfort of our guidance and presence.  We will see what comes of this.  

CRYING
Switching gears —  Thinking about the immersion last year has me in a reflecting mood.  It doesn’t really take much for that as I am a highly self-reflective person.  It got me thinking more about my submission and thinking more deeply about certain ways I act or have acted.

One of things I was reflecting on is crying.  While there have been plenty of exceptions, I don’t typically cry when I am punished.  I almost always get a bit teary eyed, but the full on cry is atypical.  Kayla, on the other hand, started out as a huge crier.  Her cries have diminished but are still common place.  She tends to have more like the semi-hyperventilating sniffles with lots of tears running down her cheeks versus a loud and boisterous cry.  

There may be a tendency to equate crying with pain or sadness, but that is never the reason I cry, nor is the reason for Kayla’s crying.    Both of us agree that the likelihood and degree of our crying is directly related to the degree of humility, remorse, and/or guilt we feel about the transgression that led to the punishment.  I think Kayla feels those things more often and more intensely than I do because she is younger and puts more pressure on herself than I do.  As such, she feels it more as a personal defeat than a temporary set back.  For me, the feelings of humility, remorse, or guilt are compounded the most when it is a repeat offense.  That leads me to a spanking story I haven’t shared that happened a few days ago.       

Spanking Story (tease)
I was at the store and saw something I wanted to buy for the house.  Our rules say I can only buy household items like food, toiletries, and cleaning supplies as long as it fits in the budget.  Any other purchases required permission from Mike.   If you aren’t familiar with the origins of this rule, read Post 71. Good Girl and Post 75. Public Display of Submission).

For whatever reason I wasn’t in a mindset to want to call Mike.  Asking permission seemed trivial and it was so clear to me we could use this item.  So, what did I do?  Well, I didn’t buy it. . . but I still got punished!   I’ll share the details on my next post!

NEXT:  142.  Spanking, Lines, and Corner Time.