I have resigned to the fact I have become an infrequent blogger. I enjoy it, but am just not making it a priority. So there you have it.
My prior post was about a kinky slippery slope that I referred to as Kinkthink! While I use that term somewhat in jest, I do believe it is a real thing and couples exploring their sexual horizons should be mindful and avoid it creeping into their mindset.
We certainly have explored greater and greater sexual adventures over the last few years and we remain open to exploring more charted and uncharted sexual territory. I think we’ve avoided making unhealthy decisions via Kinkthink. But to be honest, I think we did it more by chance than by clearly understanding and acknowledging the risks of Kinkthink.
One phrase that can help avoid Groupthink applies to Kinkthink as well, That is –
“NONE OF US IS AS DUMB AS ALL OF US.”
That really sums up the risks and the momentum a “crowd mentality” can unleash. And the more singularly focused and homogeneous a group is, the easier it is to create that momentum. Hum, kind of like the GOP! I digress.
COOL YOUR JETS!
One thing that we do is to have a “cooling” off both during and after Immersion. This was Mike’s idea and started back at our first Immersion. Mike would essentially call a random “time out” during our festivities where we would just relax. A warm bath, quiet music, not much talking. No, not because we couldn’t talk with our mouthful of whatever body part. There is no sex during “cooling off.” Oh, with one exception —
This year he brought along all sorts of oils and he gave me and Kayla a massage. Of course, that led to sex, but the slow, soft, tender, and sultry vacation-sex. And it was definitely a “lay there, relax, it’s-all-about-you-sex.” That’s different than immersion-sex.
These time outs were like extended aftercare sessions. A physical and emotional re-set before resuming our exploration.
When we returned home Mike had us take an “indefinite” time off from ALL our duties and obligations. A “submissive-free” time period that went on for four days. Submission is a default for me. It is not something I consciously do (with some exceptions). It was actually more difficult to be sub-free than you would think.
Mike also stepped up and did more chores around the house. He also treated me and Kayla to a spa day, complete with mani, pedi, facial (the cosmetic type, hee hee), and professional massage. Not to denigrate Mike’s massage skills, but let’s face it, it’s hard for Mike to compete with a professional masseuse. Well, sans the sex part, lol.
After three days Mike gave us the heads up that it would be one more day “D/s free” and then back to our normal routine (or abnormal routine if you insist, lol). Both me and Kayla were ready. We were re-energized, re-set, and re-focused on returning to what is our default mindset of serving Mike.
KINKTHINK AVOIDANCE TIPS
- Encourage and remain open and accepting of everyone’s feelings.
If someone expresses hesitation don’t take that as a signal that they just need a nudge to convince them to do it.Don’t gloss over their feelings – “Ah, come on, you can do it.”
Do validate their feelings – even if you don’t agree – “Wow, I hadn’t thought of it that way, that’s really insightful.”
After you validate what they are feeling you can still explain how it makes you feel and have an open and honest discussion about it.
I think we were fortunate once again, thanks to Mike. I believe it is part of his natural leadership skills and why he does well in business. If we are discussing a scene or particular activity, he is good at getting “the quiet one” to express themselves. “We haven’t heard from Jillian on this one,” or, “So Jaime, what are your concerns about that?”
Of course, in business he isn’t soliciting feedback about whether you are okay with your breasts being flogged or prefer this butt plug over that one. At least I don’t think he does that at work? Hum… maybe I shouldn’t assume??
It isn’t enough to accept everyone’s thoughts and feelings because there is a risk that the people you surround yourself with, our friends in this case, already share a lot of the same thoughts and feelings.For instance, I find that the three of us are far more daring and willing to explore with John and Donna, but were a bit more cautious with the other couples. Part of it is that we feel John and Donna are pros at TTWD and have confidence in knowing and expressing their limits. But part of it is that we share a lot in common with them. This shared mindset often leads to a feeling of, “if they are willing to do it, so are we.” That’s Kinkthink!
Having a diverse group of friends helps with this, and we certainly have that. That’s why we didn’t have all six couples together at the same time – we knew some may feel pressured to try things they shouldn’t. Also, hearing the concerns from each of the couples helped remind us of things we should stay aware of. We would not have had those reminders if not for the diversity in our group.
- Healthy questioning – Dom or sub.
Again, I credit Mike for this one. While we have a lot of insight into the unique dynamics of each couple, we don’t know everything about them. A good example is Matt and Jillian. Jillian is very quiet. We believe it isn’t because Matt doesn’t want her speaking and it is just that she is a quiet person. But regardless, it was important to check in with her and make sure she is on board. I think Mike’s open-ended questions to everyone helped set an environment where everyone was comfortable expressing themselves. And the quieter ones, like Jillian, soon learned that if she didn’t speak up, Mike would likely be calling on her anyway.
- Kinkthink awareness and avoidance is everyone’s job
This is something we haven’t done. I talked with Mike and he agreed we need to bring up Kinkthink with everyone so that we are all more sensitive to it. It’s easy for one person to become a kink-bully without even knowing it. They may use subtle statements that discourage dialogue and encourages conformity. It’s easy to forget that anything you say that furthers the majority opinion can intimidate the minority view, even if that was not your intention.Having thought about it, in hindsight all three of us agreed that this sounded a bit like Matt. Not that he was intentionally doing anything, but he would often be the one saying, “Ah, come on, you can do this.”
It’s subtle. You want to encourage people, which I believe is how he always intended it. However, you can also unduly influence someone, which sometimes I think he did as well. It’s not about intent, it’s about impact! It’s a fine line and lot of it is tone and context. Matt will have a talk with Immersion HR about some Kinkthink training. hee-hee!
This all sounded a bit like a kinksters human resources guide. I like that idea and frankly, it is an appropriate analogy. Part of HR’s role is for employees to work better together, understand each other better, amicably resolve disputes, and training and development. All with the goal of achieving mutual goals. Ha, I didn’t realize it until now. Immersion 2019 functioned like a Human Resources department. . .ahem, a Kink Resources Department!
The three of us agreed that while we did a good job, we need to improve our KR if we are going to do this again and want to ensure continued healthy outcomes.
Hey, I think I am overdue from sharing a spanking story. After all, yes, my husband spanks me! What’s DD without some discipline? Next post perhaps!