Tag Archives: friendships

310. TJ AND KIM

310

I left the prior post teeing up some new friends, TJ and Kim.

CONUNDRUM
When I posted more regularly I could share stuff more in real time.  I could reflect and ponder my thoughts and feelings flowing through my mind.  I could share events as they unfolded.

But now I am a lazy-ass who neglects her blog.  By the time I get to write something, it’s well in the past.  Like that prior post regarding Chelsea and Jaime.  Her story is so interesting to me, and one I would have shared in more detail, if not for it being “old news” in my mind.  Thus, I skipped over the details of her story and got right to how it impacted me re Mike is now some sort of Discipline guru for them.

I miss writing through an experience.  Writing always causes a deeper and more meaningful reflection of how I feel about it all.  That’s always fun. . . well, for me anyway, maybe not you.

So here I am again with the same conundrum with TJ and Kim.  I can get right to where we are today, or I can share more of their background.  The interesting thing about them is, well. . . it’s THEM!  It’s their relationship, their circumstances, and their path that led them to my kinky fuckery.   Okay, yes, I hear many of you just say in your head, “That relationship stuff sounds boring, get to the kinky stuff!”   Sorry.  I think I will provide the background this time.

And just to keep some element of suspense here — know the ultimate kink in this relationship was not what I expected.   Okay, that sounds like I go into a friendship expecting some kink.  Let me rephrase – I wasn’t expecting it to lead to anything kinky at all.  But, when it was evident it was pointing in a kinky direction, it wasn’t quite the kink I expected.   With that. . .

TJ AND KIM
I met Kim at a park where I frequently walk my dogs.  She would be there with her three kids, 2 daughters, 14, and 12, and an 8-year-old son.   The kids are homeschooled and the park was where she takes them for some outside activities.  Nature trail, playground, and a great place to do a lesson if the weather cooperates.  

The oldest daughter is TJ’s from a prior marriage and the daughter has always lived with them.   The youngest has some developmental delays and issues.  Thus, we had two things to instantly bonding experiences.   One, being stepmoms that raised their step-child, and two, being moms to a special need child.    

The kids were first attracted to my dogs, which is how I got to know them and know Kim.  Over time we would often sit and talk while the kids played or did school work.  Kim would often bring along their lunch, and before long, I would make some cookies or bake something to surprise them with.   Kim and I began to text each other to more frequently to sync up our park time.   Over about six months I got to know them pretty well and yes, they got to know me and my “alternative” lifestyle. 

DON’T ASK, DON’T TELL   IF ASKED, DO TELL
As you may know, we have adopted an “if asked, do tell” approach to our lifestyle.  Not in the kink and sex stuff sort of way.  Basically, no different than if anyone has asked you if you are married.  You wouldn’t say, “Yes, and we fuck like rabbits.”  Well, okay.  Yes, some of you would you crazy kinkster.

Simply, I say something like “I am in a three adult relationship with me, my husband, and our girlfriend, and I have two grown kids out of the house and one teenager still at home.”   Any more details beyond that are based on their questions with the intent to provide honest information but the minimal amount necessary to answer their question.   Most people don’t ask many questions, at least not at first.

I don’t bring up the discipline, but it tends to come out over time if people are around me long enough.  They see it in my behavior or how I talk about Mike.  Over time, Kim not only came to fully understand my Triad, but the DD and D/s one as well.  Fortunately, it didn’t make her run away from me.  We continued growing our friendship undeterred. 

I GOT A JOB
At some point, Kim shared some of the challenges in homeschooling the eldest, Hailey.  It was pretty clear it was an issue of growing teen-angst peppered with other issues that would be tough on any 14-year-old.   Hailey’s mom and dad were only married about a year, and the dad got custody.  TJ and Kim married when Hailey was just 1 (somewhat like my situation with Mike and T1).   

The mom is remarried to a woman and had only sporadic involvement with Hailey over the years.  That contact has increased recently as her mom now lives closer to them. 

The short of it is one day at the park Hailey was struggling with a lesson.  I helped her “get it” and before you knew it, I became her tutor.  Kim even pays me.   I am not a teacher, but I did start out as pursuing an education degree.  I changed my focus to counseling and education psychology. 

Hailey responds well to me.  I think it reached a point where she didn’t want her mom (Kim) to be her teacher and just wanted her to be a mom.  Yes, Hailey refers to Kim as her mom.

The tutoring gig led me to go to their house and meet Kim’s husband, TJ.   He’s a doctor and they live in an upscale neighborhood with an amazing house.

THEY ALL KNOW
Shortly after I shared bits of my dynamic situation with Kim, to my surprise she shared that information with her kids.  In very basic terms, they knew I shared my husband with another woman, that I was bisexual, and, that I agreed to follow my husband’s rules.

While that sounds like a lot for a kid to process, it really isn’t.  Frankly, the 8-year can’t connect to what the implications of all that really are.  It simply is what it is.  “Oh, it’s like there’s two mom’s in the family,” and “So like your husband is like the boss?”    And that was that as far as he was concerned.  Just facts to know but nothing to judge and no cause for concern.   Only if everyone reacted this way!

The 14 and 12-year old processed it a bit differently.  They both asked their mom if I was gay or bisexual.  She told them something like, “bisexual I guess, you can ask her what she identifies as.”   She said they both shrugged it off but asked her, “Okay, just wondering but what do you think?”

Kim told them something to the effect, “Well, that’s not for me, but there are a lot of things that aren’t for me and a lot of things that are, and what’s important is love and happiness and if someone has that, then good for them, however, they have it.”

I admired how Kim navigated this with her kids and I think the non-judgemental response also helped Hailey in her thoughts about her biological mom.  Also, by reacting in a way that made it feel like a non-issue, it was. . . Surprise!  A non-issue.

As a quick aside – I have found more people react like Kim has than I have found react in a negative, judgemental, or abrasive manner.   Even people that I know strongly disagree with my choices, I do at least get a minimal amount of acceptance.   Ultimately, I don’t care what others think, but it is always nice to find that people can be accepting of something that is clearly not their cup of tea.   I think what has helped my experiences with this is the filters in my life.   I’ve mostly filtered out the toxic people.

MORE ON TJ AND KIM
TJ is 8 years older than Kim.  Oh, Kim is 39, TJ 47, married for 13 years. 
Tj’s ex-wife is 34, having Hailey when she was 20 and TJ was 33.   Kim actually knew TJ’s ex-wife.  They were all in the same circle of friends.  She knew TJ as well.   

As I began to be able to talk more and more privately with Kim. . . lots of texts and calls, and many lunch dates. . . I got to learn more about her personal life.  More specifically, her sex-life, or lack thereof.   And thus began the kinky adventure. 

As I wrote in my last post, I have become like this island for Misfit Kinksters.  People seem to open up to me about sex.  I think that’s part of what happens when you allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone — vulnerable by telling them the truth about who you are and what you feel.   If they don’t outright reject you because they are close-minded, scared, or just otherwise turned off — they instead will reciprocate.  Vulnerability is an amazing thing!  Maybe I should write a post about it.   Oh wait, I already wrote like 20!  Ha.   Yes, vulnerability is my favorite topic.  

So there you have it.  An intro on TJ and Kim.   As to where our relationship has evolved, well, stay tuned!  Lots to write about!  But as I stated at the start, it didn’t go where I thought it might. 

179. Kayla’s Social Life

social
I haven’t written much lately about Kayla.   With her permission, I thought I’d talk about an issue we had to address — Kayla’s social life.

Kayla has some new friends she met on campus.  Some are just casual friendships, but two in particular are evolving to more than that.   Nothing sexual, just her spending more time socializing with them.  It raises some new questions for us and I asked Kayla to talk to Mike about it.  I told Kayla I defer to Mike on any advice and guidance and I would support whatever Mike has to say about it. 

CHOOSING HER FRIENDS
Kayla and Mike talked.  Mike was supportive of her socializing with whomever she wanted.  His only condition was similar to a condition we have in our Contract.  If he feels the relationship isn’t healthy, he will talk with her about either modifying the relationship or ending it.

SHARING INFO ON HER DYNAMIC
They also discussed the amount of detail she should share with friends about our relationship with her.  This was more of a reminder.  Kayla is free to share with others that she is in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple.  She can share she is submissive if she chooses.  She can share that this means she follows various “house rules” and can be disciplined, including being spanked, if she does not.

The general rule of thumb is to provide as little information as necessary to satisfy questions and stop at providing details as to specific rules, punishments, and sex.  Yes/No responses are better than elaborating with details.  Mike and Kayla even role played some dialogue to ensure Kayla was on the same page as Mike.

SEX
Mike and Kayla also talked about Kayla having sex outside of our relationship.  This has been talked about before but with the casualness that comes with discussing the theoretical.  Not that she is having sex with others right now, but, she can see the potential for it and thus the need to revisit this with more seriousness.

Mike told Kayla she is free to pursue sexual relationships with anyone, just so long as she informs him of who these people are and of course, practices safe sex.  Kayla is also going back on the pill.   She had been off it – Mike and John both have had a vasectomy.

Mike made it a point to share with her that our relationship with her should never get in the way of things she wants to experience.  If she wants to travel, attend social events, go out with friends, or even have sex with whomever, he (as do I) will support her decisions.  The only caveat being that Mike must not see any of it as unhealthy for her.  Mike made it clear she will have to move out if she pursues a relationship he feels is toxic.  Kayla was more than fine with this and said it actually made her feel good to hear him say that. 

SUBMISSION
Kayla brought this up.  She made it clear she was not interested in having a D/s relationship with anyone else.  She can’t imagine being beholden to more than one Dom, and more importantly, she said that type of relationship is extra special to her and Mike is her Dom and “that is that.”  However, it did cause Mike to want to at least have a brief discussion on future possibilities.

Mike said that if she found a relationship where she wanted to be submissive to someone else, she needs to share those desires with him as soon as she is feeling them.  This way they can talk about them so that she does not feel more conflicted than she is likely going to feel.  Mike said he would have as hard a time “giving her up” as she would have with “giving him up,” but the worst thing to do would be to suppress such desires, if she were to feel them.  They would most certainly fester and manifest themselves in unhealthy ways.

Kayla was adamant she would never feel that way towards anyone else.  Mike and I know that, despite her current intentions, life happens and things change.  However, there was no need to discuss this further at this point as it was actually upsetting to Kayla.  

FORCED TO CHOOSE
They also talked about what would happen if the other person was not okay with her continuing our dynamic.  What then?  Kayla’s first response was simply, “I’d end it with that person.”  But, she also realized that love can be a powerful thing.  She then backtracked a bit and said, “I guess I would have to deal with it at that time and reconcile my love for you two with my love for that person.  I can’t fathom it right now.”

ALEXIS
Alexis is only 18, a freshman at the university.   They met in the library.  Alexis got married a month after graduating high school to a 24-year-old male.  This friendship is very different for Kayla as she has always had friends that were older than her, typically by four or more years.

They have met up several times, gone out to lunch, met up on campus, text back and forth, stuff like that.  Kayla said it feels more like a little sister/big sister type thing going on.  Nothing sexual, and she has never met the husband.   Kayla says she enjoys giving her advice and hearing about her past and her current situation.   

Kayla has shared with Alexis the basics of our relationship. and Alexis is “very” intrigued.  Alexis shared that spankings were part of her childhood up until she turned 16.  She never saw her dad spank her mom though and is unsure if that ever went on.  Alexis seems interested in incorporating some DD in her marriage and thus asked Kayla lots of questions about both Kayla’s D/s and about me and Mike.     

MICHAUD
Michaud is male, 25, single.  Michaud is actually his last name but everyone calls him by this.  I won’t share his first name, but it is a  pretty typical name.  Michaud does sound more mysterious!  And ooo-laa-laa, it is French!  He was actually born in France but has lived in the U.S. since he was about six or seven.

He is in one of her classes.  They have studied together, shared class notes, stuff like that.  They have also met for lunch and dinner, always preceding or following class or studying.  Nothing she would call an official “date.”  However, Kayla says she can see this relationship going further.

She shared her living arrangement with him, but he didn’t question it and thus she didn’t go further.  All he knows is she lives with an older couple.  She described it as, “I had to get out of the house and I moved in with an older couple I’ve known for a long time.”  That’s it.  He did ask her some questions about her relationship with her parents, but he didn’t ask more questions about who we were or why she lives with us or anything else.  Maybe it is a French thing?

Mike stopped short of telling Kayla that he must meet Michaud.  He did tell her that she needs to keep both he and I informed of their interactions.   Mike felt he wanted my perspective on Michaud with the hopes that between the two of us we could spot any red flags.  At this point, he seems normal and sincere.  Whatever “normal” is.

EXISTING FRIENDS
I’ve shared before that Kayla’s circle of friends before she moved in with us consisted primarily of people in their late 20’s.  This reflects Kayla’s penchant for having friends older than she is.  Kayla does go out on occasion, although it has been less and less frequent.   Part of that is due to Kayla being back in school, and part of it due to the schedules of those friends.

Kayla has told three of those friends about us, in great detail.  This includes her friend Daniel, who is gay, and includes her best friend, a female, who Kayla asked me to have rename nameless.  This is the friend that Kayla has had sex with and eventually was a third in her friend’s relationship with a man.  Kayla refers to that as a “poly-type” thing but it was more just threesomes than it was an actual relationship.   Anyway, that couple knows all about Kayla’s relationship with us.  Kayla still sees them occasionally, but stopped having sex with them shortly before she moved in with us.

ALL GOOD
Anyway, we are happy to see Kayla interact socially, both with her existing friends and with new ones.  We all recognize that relationships can get complicated, which is why open communication is so important.  All is well, whether it be with Kayla and her friends, Mike and Kayla, Mike and me, me and Kayla, or Mike, me, and Kayla. 

NEXT:  180.  Time for Discipline