350. EQUITY AND FAIRNESS

I have several half-written posts.  Can’t seem to focus and am being overly self-critical over what I choose to write.  It’s as if I am expecting only great prose consistent with my history of keeping it short, writing clearly without repetition, culling my adjectives with literary precision, mixing my rhythms, ditching modifiers, letting the verbs do their magic, and throwing in some unexpected words to shock you into greater understanding.   AS IF!!  

That’s never described my writing style, so why start now?

One topic that’s been rattling around in my mind quite a bit lately is feminism.  And with recent events in the US, I’ve realized my views about it are deeper than I once thought.  I’ve posted about this before and will try not to repeat myself.  If you want to understand how a submissive woman who apparently has surrendered to the patriarchy rationalizes the feeling that she is a feminist, read that prior post.     This post takes a different angle to what feminism means to me.

MORE THAN FEMINIST… A HUMANIST
I consider myself a feminist with a little “f”, not Feminist in regards to what the word represents to most people. To me, feminism is a part of humanism, and I consider myself a Humanist (capital “H” for sure).

Humanism encompasses gender, race, and all other criteria society uses to identify and separate people.  It accepts that such identifiers can be helpful for statisticians or community psychologists to understand and quantify certain things, but it does not accept those labels as assigning values as to the level of goodness or purpose a person has.    

WE ARE ONE, BUT NOT THE SAME
Feminism, as a movement, has the noble goal of equality; however, for too many people the term “equality” gets interpreted as “sameness.” And to me, it is not about equality. It’s about equity and fairness, not equality and sameness. There’s a major difference between those as I covered in this post.

I don’t know any woman that wants to be the same as men, but plenty that what equity and fairness.

We should never strive for sameness. Not because one gender is different from another, or a particular race is different from another, or people with certain sexual preferences or sexual identify are different from those with other preferences or identify a certain way, or that people with or without certain religious beliefs are different, or people from certain parts of the world or regions within a country are different. We shouldn’t strive for sameness because WE ARE ALL INDIVIDUALS. We are different. I am not the same as everyone who shares my gender, race, sexual preferences, sexual identify, beliefs, or geographic location.

There is a sameness that unites us all. Where we are the same is that we are humans. Humanism is about not defining ourselves and not defining others by categories of gender, race, religion, geography, sexual preferences, you name it. It is about defining ourselves by how we treat others and define them by how they treat us and others. It’s about how we interact with others and how we make others feel and how they make us feel. It’s by the equity and fairness, both in how we treat others and how we expect others to treat us and everyone else. If we must categorize people, categorize them by “healthy or toxic,” nothing more.

I think that has been the secret sauce to my happiness. I have filtered out any toxic people and any toxic thoughts. I surrounded myself with people who are healthy for me and I focus on the things that fulfill me and give me purpose. I have found equity and fairness in my marriage and in my dealings with friends and family.

Advocating for the right of women to achieve equity and fairness is a no brainer. It’s simply being humane. That’s what feminism means to me . And if that equity and fairness comes from leading, working, or doing anything considered “man’s domain,” or comes from submitting, serving, or doing anything considered “traditional” woman’s roles, or anything in-between, that’s fine by me. It’s not for us to define what others should find equitable and fair for their lives — but it is up to society to ensure everyone has access to what is equitable and fair for them.

CURRENT EVENTS
I was going to end the post here, but recent events prompted me to dig a little deeper into my thoughts about this.   As I previously stated, it is more than something I believe about women.  I believe it is a right everyone deserves.  Regardless which label a person fits into regarding their gender, race, religion, region, or sexual desires, the only constraints anyone should have in their pursuit of equity and fairness is that the things they do should not infringe on the equity and fairness of others.   And that is where my ideal hits a wall.

Too many people feel an “affront to their sensibilities” is the same as as loss of equity or fairness. They equate their disdain for someone based on their gender, race, faith (or lack thereof), sexual preferences, or place they are from the same way others might look at someone who endangers their physical well being. Such people may even go so far as to accept an immoral and corrupt leader just so long as that leader allows them to act on their disdain for those they label “others.” They may even go so far as tolerate the murder of man as collateral damage towards protecting their sensibilities, protecting their status quo. 

They feel harmed by someone kneeling in reverence as a solemn reminder of injustice, but not kneeling to subdue, oppress, and kill, because at least the latter is consistent with their sensibilities. 

They feel harmed when someone in need is given help, unless they are the one in need. They feel harmed when others demand fair wages for their work.  They feel harmed when someone makes a choice about their life that is inconsistent with choices they would make for themselves. They feel harmed with other demand equity and fairness.

They have a mindset that THEY are the victim.  The victim of having to live with anyone or anything that is different from them.  

And the irony is, these “victims” are quick to become the victimizer, as forcing their mindset on others is the only thing that gives them purpose.   And the more they victimize the more their victims cry for justice.  And the louder those demands for justice, the more harmed the victimizer feels.   These are the people who should receive the full force of societies disdain.  Not a gender, not a race or religious belief, not a geography or sexual orientation – but a mindset that hurts everyone, physically and economically and the mindset that denies equity and fairness to others.

ASSHOLES
Yes, we will find that people who have that mindset tend to skew towards a certain gender, race, religion, etc., but to define them by those terms is to do to them what they are doing to everyone else. I may poke fun at white, male, reichwinger, closeted-gay Southerners clutching their guns like a two year old’s favorite teddy bear, but like all stereotypes, the semblance to the truth is tenuous. Let’s call those with this mindset by how they treat others and not by their gender, race, or other identifiers. They are cancers, they are inhumane, they are immoral, they are evil, they are unAmerican, and they are assholes. And we need to stop putting them in positions of power because empowering them allows their mindset to spread.

And once these assholes have usurped democratic institutions such as free and fair elections, we are no longer represented by the views of society at large, but by a group of assholes who represent a cancerous minority view.   And in all human history, minority rule can continue only by fraud and force, and such rule has NEVER ended well.    If the voice of the ballot box is voided by the assholes, what voice does the majority have left?   

The scarier proposition is that what’s going on today is nothing like what we are facing come November.    Whether the assholes win or lose, it will be bad.  And win or lose, we can only hope police, Justice Department, military, and the courts will side with the Constitution – but don’t be so sure that they will.  Those institutions have been stacked with assholes. Sadly, even our camo-wearing military leadership.

IT’S NOT ENOUGH
It’s no longer enough to not be a racist, we must be anti-racist.     It’s no longer enough to not be a fascist, we must be anti-facist.  It’s not enough to not be an asshole.  We must be anti-assholes.  

It’s not enough to just blog about this.  I am doing what I can within my power and ability to support organizations that facilitate and demand change.  And more than that, to challenge and call out those that do not.   This isn’t a political blog, so I don’t intend on sharing specifics or which organizations I think fall into each category.   

This post was intended to pound home my ideas about feminism, which are linked to ideas about equity and fairness, which are linked to current events. Through equity and fairness we can bring about a better neighborhood, a better community, a better country, and a better world.

That’s what feminism means to me.  That’s what humanism means to me.

NEXT: 351: Our FREE (three) time thanks to COVID

175. Bundle of Nerves

I am a bundle of nerves.  I’ve been very emotional the last few days and quick to tears.  It’s a good cry, but represents the deep and conflicting emotions I am feeling.

The best analogy I can think of is the feeling I had when I graduated high school.  I feel a high degree of eagerness, offset by the same high degree of apprehension.  Further, I feel a great deal of happiness, offset by a great deal of sadness.  In graduating high school I was eager to get my life moving forward, but it was also apprehensive over what was next.  I also had a great deal of happiness in achieving this milestone and going on to college, but also sadness in knowing I’ll never have all of what and who I left behind.

It all hit me out of the blue.  I was practicing my new Mantra’s and pretty much had them memorized and I wanted to practice in front of Mike for the first time.  I went through the Morning Mantra and got through it fine, but as soon as I was done, I started crying.  Not just a sniffle and tear, but a full on cry.

The words were just so profound and powerful.  I felt this cascade of positive feelings that were warm, loving, safe, secure.  Feelings I felt before, but never with such intensity.   And there was this cascade of more solemn feelings such as the apprehension and sadness.

The sadness was in part for saying “good bye” to my former self.  Not in a “oh, I can’t let you go” type sadness, but more like that high school graduation sadness of saying goodbye to friends you won’t see anymore.  You know you really can see them again if you want to, but you also know that you really don’t want to.  Make sense?   

It may help to break down each feeling.  Even if not interesting to you, it will help me. 

Eager:  I feel a deep longing and a huge sense of dedication.  I feel there is this part of me that I was never sure what it was or if it even existed, only that I’ve been searching for it a very long time.  Now, there it is, right in front of me.  I am fulfilled by it’s presence and eager to embrace it.   As much as I may try to reign in my expectations, they can not be corralled and they run wild. 

Apprehension:  I feel an uneasiness fueled by uncertainty and by the enormity of my eagerness.  The higher my expectations, the further there is to fall if those expectations were unrealistic.  I so much want to be the submissive I have agreed to be and I know over time I will master my new Duties and Obligations, but what of the meantime?  It’s reasonable to expect that as I learn, I’ll fail at times.  I’ve understood that and reconciled that fact many times before.  But this time?  Right now, the thought of disappointing Mike and myself is just too much to even think about.   

Happiness:  I feel happiness on many levels.  From the joy I get in serving Mike, to the profound pleasure I get in deeply submitting to him.  That pleasure is so great that literally I am on the edge of orgasm most of the day.  I had to ask Mike for permission to masturbate today and luckily he said yes.  It took me about five minutes.  He talked to me afterwards and asked me about it and I said I was still turned on.  He allowed me to masturbate one more time and said that would be it for a few days.   I enjoyed what was again about another five minutes, maybe seven.  Suffice to say, I am very turned on right now.   

Sadness: This is a bit harder for me to fully connect with.  It sounds odd and illogical, as emotions often are, but I feel sad for not recognizing sooner the fulfillment our dynamic gives me.  I can rationalize that I wasn’t ready for any version of DD until we actually adopted it.  But it still makes me sad that I wasn’t ready for it sooner.  Sad that Mike had to live with and experience the sub-optimal Jennifer for so many years.  And to be honest, there is also a tinge of sadness for what I am leaving behind regarding many controls of my day to day living.  As a former control freak…ahem, is there really such a thing?  I think once a control freak, always a control freak    Okay, as a RECOVERING control freak who has learned to find pleasure in not having control, there is still a part of me that mourns the loss of control.  Even though I love my submission more than I love any control, that need for control is rooted in my upbringing and what I interpreted my mom to mean by “love life, every moment, every day.” 

FEMINISM REVISITED
I wrote about this many times so no need to “go there” again (Most notably in Post 120).  Suffice to say, I still consider myself a feminist.   The difference is that I no longer believe in the precept of equality that pre-DD Jenny had. Pre-DD Jenny would advocate that women needed to assert and claim their equality else they would never achieve it.  I now believe our equality is about choice, and we can choose to assert and claim it, or not.   

Equality is not about sameness.  Mike and I are not the same.  But we are equal in so much as 1 plus 1 equals 2 (or more precisely, Mike + Jen = 1).    We can not be one without the other and we are  equal in what makes us one.

Equality is about having access to the same opportunities, whether or not I choose to claim that opportunity.  If a woman wants the opportunity to lead, inside the home or out, so be it.  If a woman wants the opportunity to be submissive, so be it.  If a woman wants something in-between, so be it.  You just need surround yourself with those that allow you to be you.  I have chosen to be submissive to Mike, and am fortunate that he has accepted me as his submissive, just as he accepted me when I was anything but submissive.  Okay, I guess I “went there” again.  Can’t help it.

Enough of this.  Say, want to hear about a spanking?  Maybe next time.  It was (or at least should be) the last spanking under our 2.0 Contract.   We are doing our Signing Ceremony tonight, so technically the new terms are not yet in place.   As long as I behave from now until then, the spanking I am thinking of sharing would be the last under our prior contract. 

NEXT:  176.  Thirty-Seven Hours

 

 

 

167. What is “Mine” versus What is “For Me.”

PREAMBLE
Mike and I began our Contract renegotiation.  Our first agreement on March 17, 2015, was good for 30 days – we were uncertain about what we were doing.  We made changes and with more confidence, we made the next one good for six months.   By that October we learned a lot and were ready to commit for a longer period of time.  Thus our third Contract is set to end October 17, 2017.

We know such contracts are not legal documents.  But they demonstrate and codify our commitments to each other.  Putting one together requires wonderful dialogue, reflection, and sharing.  It’s a wonderful process that brings us even closer together.

All rules are suspended during the renegotiation session (you can read more about how we do this in the Contract).  This allows me to speak freely and debate, if needed, any particular points without concern of punishments.  The renegotiation will likely occur over several sessions, depending on the amount of time we have and how quickly we progress.  This post is about our first session. 

COMMENCE NEGOTIATIONS
Mike wanted the first meeting to serve as an exchange of some general ideas.  Basically a “get everything on the table” regarding broad topics that we had in mind.  We could then have time to think about it and be better prepared to talk about them in more detail at our next meeting. 

OCTOBER 2015 VS OCTOBER 2017
Before we discussed changes, Mike asked me what I felt were the biggest differences between where we were two years ago and where we are today.    

I shared with Mike that I recognize it was necessary to start where we started, else we would never be where we are today.  Our current agreement was critical in my development towards the person (wife, mother, sister, aunt, friend, etc) I wanted to be.  Our current agreement was the right one at the right time – However, it is abundantly clear to me that it is time to replace Domestic Discipline that is MINE with Domestic Discipline that is FOR ME.

This is a huge change in my thinking.  I recognize that Pre-DD Jenny, or even Early-DD Jenny, would actually throw up a bit in her mouth over what I say or do today.   In my blog or in conversations with those aware of my dynamic, I easily say things like “I obey Mike” or “I was disobedient” or, “Mike leads me.”  In the past I shunned such vocabulary. Remember, I was raised to value being a strong, independent, and empowered woman in the most feminist meaning of those words (See Post 120 for my views on being a feminist).

When I started my search for ways to improve my life, I discovered more than Domestic Discipline.  I found the submissive within.  I am still surprised that it was in me, and can not deny the wonderful feelings I get from letting Mike lead.  Everything about my life is fuller, more robust, more rewarding, more fulfilling.

While I seek to have the specific rules and consequences of “My” DD to be no longer “mine,” they are most definitely still “for me,” as determined by Mike.

I know he holds my very best interests in his heart.  Any of his lines in the sand are never arbitrary or for his own selfish gain or amusement. It is not a power game with him.  While I want him to have satisfaction in his Dominance, I know that he does not first seek to gain anything for himself through his decisions.  It is for MY  benefit that he does these things.  It is for MY own good that he limits or encourages certain behaviors or says no or yes to certain desires of mine. 

I told him that I may not like his rules for me as much as I liked “my” rules for me;  however, unlike two years ago, I gain more satisfaction from knowing I am his.  I no longer want him to simply execute to “My DD.”  I want him to determine the DD that is right for me.   And THAT is the difference between where I was in October 2015 versus where I am in October 2017.

Mike was very pleased and touched by my answer.  The changes he has in mind are intended to better codify things.  Intended to represent where we are today and add more structure around my current commitments, duties, and obligations.  We had a dialogue about what those changes could entail and I came to understand that “structure equates to rules.”  Okay by me.

Mike frequently asked me my thoughts or suggestions.  I explained I didn’t want to overly influence what he wanted for me.  I prefer his own rules and expectations of what he sees as best for me.  Although our rules are suspended during the negotiations, I was still aware that when he asks my opinion, Mike does not like me to respond with a “Whatever you say.” Such a response is normally a punishable offense as it is dismissive of his request to hear my opinion.   So I was clear to explain that instead of me proposing suggestions, I would rather he propose what is on his mind and let me accept, modify, or reject it.  I am confident he now knows what is best regarding my duties and obligations. 

Wow – what a change from two years ago, as evidenced by Post 4. The Plan.  Mike provided a few general ideas as to what he was thinking:

50’s HOUSEWIFE?
Mike said, “Think the stereotypical 50’s housewife.”   Humm, okay, in a lot of ways I am already that regarding the household duties, ironing, stuff like that.  He didn’t reveal anything more specific to me other than to say again that it was about adding “structure” (rules) around much of what I do today.  Sounds good to me, but I had some reservations.

Too much structure and too many rules sounded a bit like the old me.  It reminded me of the problems that can arise with too many “intentions.”  (Post 30. I Found my Thrill).  Mike explained it in the context that he feels more structure could be helpful.  I often start my day with too many household plans that I can’t possibly complete or leave little wiggle room for the unexpected happenings of daily life.  He thinks that, if approached correctly, a more set routine could actually create more free time for me.   He said it isn’t about packing my day with countless chores, but reasonably scheduling them so that I don’t feel compelled to do anything other than what is on the list that day.    

Okay, sounds promising.

REWARDS
Mike talked about when we wrote the last Contract it was important to me that we referred to any discipline as “Rewards.”  He noted that I am now comfortable in referring to discipline as “punishments.”  I typically call them that when I blog and in conversation with Mike, Kayla, John, or Donna.  There was a time I never did that.  Mike was curious if I wanted to change the terminology for the new contract.

This reminded me of something I shared in my early posts about my approach to the Contract — Words are Power.   It is very important to choose the right words to convey what it is you intend something to be and even take the time to define what you mean by certain words.  We talked about it and it was very curious to me that now, two years later, Mike was more hung up than I was regarding the right term to use for my spankings and other punishments.  I told him I now longer felt it needed to be called a “Reward.”  While not final, I think we both agreed that for the new contract, the term “discipline” will suffice.  It’s called Domestic Discipline for a reason. 

SUBMISSION OUTSIDE THE HOUSE
Mike was admittedly vague, but said he wants to look at how I can be more submissive outside the house. He said it could be calling him Sir in front of everyone, anytime, or “holding myself” a certain way regarding dress or posture.  Basically being more transparent to the general public regarding my submissiveness.  Nothing crazy over the top – subtle things that was more about me maintaining a submissive mindset versus “flaunting” my submissiveness.  He wasn’t sure what it could actually mean in terms of rules of behavior, but something about the concept intrigues him.   We threw around a few ideas and agreed to both think more about it.  This one was unexpected but sounds interesting.  We shall see.  

HARD LIMITS
I did bring up one item myself.  I want to look at the hard limits more closely.  As we have pursued more D/s activities than we initially anticipated, I want to make sure my limits are clearly understood.  We didn’t talk specifics as the purpose of this first meeting was just to air the general topics, but Mike was supportive and reinforced I have full discretion on this matter. 

OVERALL
It is clear Mike is looking to add more rules around my daily activities, complete with discipline for failure to adhere.  I have some concerns that we codify this the right way so as not to run myself ragged and lose our great momentum regarding what we have achieved towards a happy, loving, nurturing, fulfilling, and purposeful household.

As I said before, all of this is enough to make Pre-DD Jenny throw up a bit.  But the today-Jenny was energized by this meeting.  I am excited to see some of the specific things Mike wants for me.   There is still enough of the Pre-DD Jenny in me that makes me feel compelled to explain my acceptance of this misogyny.  I still feel I am overall a feminist, as I defined in Post 120.  I believe every girl should be able to pursue their passion in life, whether it is to be a painter or the President, or be a Dom, a sub, or equals in their household.  It should never be about gender or societal expectations.  Their life should be about what is true for them.  Today, MY truth is in being a submissive wife.     

NEXT 168. New Domestic Discipline Rules