It’s about time for another general musing post, this time addressing my feelings about sex with Matt.
Ultimately, yes, we have an open marriage. Like any kink, when it comes to labels – what things are, what they mean, and how they make you feel – are going to be different for every person and couple. I don’t think of our marriage as “open,” but it sure isn’t closed! HA! I like to think of it as being open to “possibilities” versus just wide open for all to come and go.
IS IT CHEATING WITH PERMISSION?
No, that is not an accurate representation. There is no cheating as we are always playing by the rules of behavior that Mike and I have established for ourselves. It is only cheating if you break the rules.
IS IT ALL ABOUT SEX?
No, it isn’t. It’s about lots and lots of communication, trust, checking in with your own personal boundaries, and about having a great deal of confidence. Confidence in yourself to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to you – and – confidence in your relationship to allow the other person to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to them. Mike and I have great communication, clear definition of boundaries, high self-confidence, and high confidence in our relationship. This leaves little room for accidentally crushing someone’s feelings or inciting jealousy.
I’ve found that our sexual exploration with others has added to my sex life with Mike. Being open creates opportunities to be exposed to new things that we may choose to incorporate in our relationship. We can also explore sexual relationships or activities that involve both of us, such as threesomes, foursomes, or role-playing that require more than just the two of us. I have desired and experienced things I never even gave thought to before DD. And I have experienced things that I previously hid away in my head as pure fantasy.
Mike and I have boundaries, but there are no specific prohibited acts. The boundary is simply that we have to both be aware of what the other is doing and be willing to talk about specifics if the other wants to know. In other words, no secrets.
This has been easy because most of our sex with others has been in the presence of each other. The few times it hasn’t, we talk about it. We talk about it because we are always interested in learning about what and why they liked or disliked what they did. And we talk about it with a degree of indifference and nonchalance that you would think we were talking about some television show one of us saw without the other. We don’t want to hear about every line in the show, but we want to know if it was enjoyable. That, and, well, whether or not there were one or more orgasms and what orifice did they come in. Yeah, exactly something you’d want to know about a show they saw without you. HA!!
I do have some additional “rules” that Mike doesn’t have. Namely I can only be with others with his specific approval. Contrast this with Mike who is free to be with anyone at anytime, just so long as he tells me about it. He only has to tell me in advance if the time being spent with the other person takes away from time with me. For instance, if he were to go out while I was at home and he wanted to have sex with someone. But, if say he was on a business trip and had the opportunity for sex, he can simply tell me about it later. By the way, I came up with that rule, not Mike.
Although we have these rules, we haven’t needed to implement them much. But Mike and I have at least talked about it because we are aware that our relationship is such that these things could happen. Neither of us are currently seeking sexual partners outside our current “circle of trust” but we aren’t adverse to it if the opportunity presents itself. That current “circle of trust” includes Kayla, John, Donna, and at least for the moment, Matt.
Being open with sex means having more frank conversations. Once sex lost all vestiges of taboo in our conversations, we both became comfortable admitting when we are or aren’t in the mood, and more comfortable talking about people we are attracted to and the things we enjoyed doing (or having done to us). This led to learning new things about each other and made us closer.
I was married to Mike for almost 25 years before I really understood what he liked the most about sex. And the same is true for Mike fully understanding what I enjoyed most about sex. How sad we went so long with “secrets” about what made us feel good. Why do people do that!?!? We wouldn’t keep such secrets about anything else in life, so why keep them regarding sex?
I don’t know. It’s possible our “circle of trust” never grows further. We both seem to prefer fewer, deeper relationships than many casual ones. We haven’t really put ourselves in a position to have opportunities for more sexual partners. We did “flirt” a bit with some FetLife functions and of course there was “the party.” While they were fun, we just didn’t connect with the people with met.
Mike and I share our sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies with each other. When we got into DD we made this a priority, and honestly, it was very difficult and took time to fully evolve to where we share everything. Here’s an excerpt from that post:
Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies. Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.
Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner.
We define a sexual “fantasy” as something we actually don’t want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible. Whereas, a sexual “desire” is something we aspire to experience. Over time there are things that could move from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box.
One such fantasy that made this move is my “stranger in the night” fantasy. In it I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name. This merged with a fantasy of Mike’s where he basically “pimps” me out (but obviously with no money being exchanged). The experience with Matt was close to this, but Matt isn’t a stranger. In this merged fantasy Mike and I have talked about going out with the intent of seducing someone, man or woman, to have sex with me. We could make this happen if we stayed engaged in FetLife activities, but both of us share the desire for this to be more organic. That is, unexpected — not a kink event where such things are likely to occur, but just say a random encounter at a restaurant.
Even if we don’t ever fully act on this desire, sharing it and merging his desire with mine has provided some great titillation. There are times we are out and one of us says to the other, “How about that one?” And then we talk about how we would seduce them and what we would do. Just talking about it gets us both all hot and bothered. Perhaps some day will we actually try to make it happen.
One of Mike’s fantasies involves me as a “Center of Attention” with a lot of guys. In his words, “like at least seven, if not ten.” A hallmark of this fantasy is that it ends with me drenched in their cum. Mike admits he likes the thought of it, but not actually wants me to do it. Mike did ask me if it was something I would do. I said yes, of course, but that didn’t change his views that this should stay a fantasy of his. He sort of got an inkling of what it would actually be like and that was enough to convince him to keep it a fantasy.
Knowing that Mike had this fantasy, I had John come on my face. When we were done, Mike was like, “Ew, please go wash up.” He didn’t want to kiss me or get close to me, even after I scrubbed. So yeah, the fantasy is almost always better than the reality because in the fantasy you don’t have to consider such things.
One of my fantasies includes Mike having sex with other men. It’s something I know he isn’t into (I’ve asked!) and thus I leave it as a fantasy. I wonder if this is common fantasy for women? It really gets me off to think about sharing sucking a cock with him. Did my stating that make you feel weird? Well, that’s the thing about being completely open and honest with your partner. You can say such things as if you simply asking if you wanted to share a piece of cake. It’s no big deal if they say no.
Bottom line, both Mike and I feel 100% confident to ask for and enjoy anything sexually, whether with each other or someone else.