199. An Open Marriage!?

It’s about time for another general musing post, this time addressing my feelings about sex with Matt.  

Ultimately, yes, we have an open marriage.  Like any kink, when it comes to labels – what things are, what they mean, and how they make you feel – are going to be different for every person and couple.   I don’t think of our marriage as “open,” but it sure isn’t closed!  HA!  I like to think of it as being open to “possibilities” versus just wide open for all to come and go.   

IS IT CHEATING WITH PERMISSION?
No, that is not an accurate representation.  There is no cheating as we are always playing by the rules of behavior that Mike and I have established for ourselves.  It is only cheating if you break the rules. 

IS IT ALL ABOUT SEX?
No, it isn’t.  It’s about lots and lots of communication, trust, checking in with your own personal boundaries, and about having a great deal of confidence.  Confidence in yourself to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to you – and – confidence in your relationship to allow the other person to ask for and enjoy sexual activities that are of interest to them.   Mike and I have great communication, clear definition of boundaries, high self-confidence, and high confidence in our relationship.  This leaves little room for accidentally crushing someone’s feelings or inciting jealousy. 

I’ve found that our sexual exploration with others has added to my sex life with Mike.  Being open creates opportunities to be exposed to new things that we may choose to incorporate in our relationship.   We can also explore sexual relationships or activities that involve both of us, such as threesomes, foursomes, or role-playing that require more than just the two of us.  I have desired and experienced things I never even gave thought to before DD.  And I have experienced things that I previously hid away in my head as pure fantasy.  

BOUNDARIES
Mike and I have boundaries, but there are no specific prohibited acts.  The boundary is simply that we have to both be aware of what the other is doing and be willing to talk about specifics if the other wants to know.   In other words, no secrets.  

This has been easy because most of our sex with others has been in the presence of each other.  The few times it hasn’t, we talk about it.   We talk about it because we are always interested in learning about what and why they liked or disliked what they did.  And we talk about it with a degree of indifference and nonchalance that you would think we were talking about some television show one of us saw without the other.  We don’t want to hear about every line in the show, but we want to know if it was enjoyable.  That, and, well, whether or not there were one or more orgasms and what orifice did they come in.   Yeah, exactly something you’d want to know about a show they saw without you.  HA!! 

I do have some additional “rules” that Mike doesn’t have.  Namely I can only be with others with his specific approval.  Contrast this with Mike who  is free to be with anyone at anytime, just so long as he tells me about it.  He only has to tell me in advance if the time being spent with the other person takes away from time with me.  For instance, if he were to go out while I was at home and he wanted to have sex with someone.  But, if say he was on a business trip and had the opportunity for sex, he can simply tell me about it later.  By the way, I came up with that rule, not Mike. 

Although we have these rules, we haven’t needed to implement them much.  But Mike and I have at least talked about it because we are aware that our relationship is such that these things could happen.  Neither of us are currently seeking sexual partners outside our current “circle of trust” but we aren’t adverse to it if the opportunity presents itself.   That current “circle of trust” includes Kayla, John, Donna, and at least for the moment, Matt.  

OTHER BENEFITS
Being open with sex means having more frank conversations.  Once sex lost all vestiges of taboo in our conversations, we both became comfortable admitting when we are or aren’t in the mood, and more comfortable talking about people we are attracted to and the things we enjoyed doing (or having done to us).  This led to learning new things about each other and made us closer. 

I was married to Mike for almost 25 years before I really understood what he liked the most about sex.  And the same is true for Mike fully understanding what I enjoyed most about sex.  How sad we went so long with “secrets” about what made us feel good. Why do people do that!?!?   We wouldn’t keep such secrets about anything else in life, so why keep them regarding sex? 

WHAT NEXT?
I don’t know.  It’s possible our “circle of trust” never grows further.  We both seem to prefer fewer, deeper relationships than many casual ones.  We haven’t really put ourselves in a position to have opportunities for more sexual partners.   We did “flirt” a bit with some FetLife functions and of course there was “the party.”  While they were fun, we just didn’t connect with the people with met.  

Mike and I share our sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies with each other.  When we got into DD we made this a priority, and honestly, it was very difficult and took time to fully evolve to where we share everything.  Here’s an excerpt from that post: 

Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  

Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. 

REMAINING DESIRES? 
We define a sexual “fantasy” as something we actually don’t want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible.   Whereas, a sexual “desire” is something we aspire to experience.  Over time there are things that could move from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box.

One such fantasy that made this move is my “stranger in the night” fantasy.  In it I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name.  This merged with a fantasy of Mike’s where he basically “pimps” me out (but obviously with no money being exchanged).   The experience with Matt  was close to this, but Matt isn’t a stranger.   In this merged fantasy Mike and I have talked about going out with the intent of seducing someone, man or woman, to have sex with me.  We could make this happen if we stayed engaged in FetLife activities, but both of us share the desire for this to be more organic.  That is, unexpected — not a kink event where such things are likely to occur, but just say a random encounter at a restaurant.

Even if we don’t ever fully act on this desire, sharing it and merging his desire with mine has provided some great titillation.   There are times we are out and one of us says to the other, “How about that one?”  And then we talk about how we would seduce them and what we would do.  Just talking about it gets us both all hot and bothered.  Perhaps some day will we actually try to make it happen.

FANTASIES?
One of Mike’s fantasies involves me as a “Center of Attention” with a lot of guys.  In his words, “like at least seven, if not ten.”   A hallmark of this fantasy is that it ends with me drenched in their cum.  Mike admits he likes the thought of it, but not actually wants me to do it.   Mike did ask me if it was something I would do.  I said yes, of course, but that didn’t change his views that this should stay a fantasy of his.   He sort of got an inkling of what it would actually be like and that was enough to convince him to keep it a fantasy.

Knowing that Mike had this fantasy, I had John come on my face.  When we were done, Mike was like, “Ew, please go wash up.”  He didn’t want to kiss me or get close to me, even after I scrubbed.  So yeah, the fantasy is almost always better than the reality because in the fantasy you don’t have to consider such things.

One of my fantasies includes Mike having sex with other men.  It’s something I know he isn’t into (I’ve asked!) and thus I leave it as a fantasy.  I wonder if this is common fantasy for women?  It really gets me off to think about sharing sucking a cock with him.  Did my stating that make you feel weird?  Well, that’s the thing about being completely open and honest with your partner.  You can say such things as if you simply asking if you wanted to share a piece of cake.  It’s no big deal if they say no.

Bottom line, both Mike and I feel 100% confident to ask for and enjoy anything sexually, whether with each other or someone else.

Next: Post 200.  Balloons and Submission?

76. Meet the Babysitter

We have a go-to babysitter, Kayla, who is twenty-one years old. She first started watching my son since she was 12. Suffice to say we have gotten to know her extremely well. We know her parents casually – they used to live on our street.   They got divorced and moved away, but Kayla and her mom still live in the same town, just farther away from our house. Kayla lives at home and goes to college.

When Kayla isn’t available I typically ask one of my two sisters who live in town. Between the three of them we are pretty fortunate to always be able to find someone to watch our son. I think I mentioned before that he is 16, but has special needs. He can be somewhat independent and care for himself, but needs to have some supervision to ensure he remains safe and secure. Thus, other than Kayla and my sisters, it is not like we would ever trust him with a babysitter who was unknown to us and inexperienced with being around my son. Kayla sort of grew into the role of trusted babysitter since she interacted a lot with our son when they were both little.

I often call Kayla to join me for errands when I am unable to leave our son with Mike. I find it easier to shop or do errands when I have another set of eyes, ears, and hands.   Kayla seems to enjoy it because not only do I pay her for her time, but it is basically like a shopping trip for her, even if she isn’t actually buying things. We have gotten to know each other very well, and sometimes we have invited Kayla to have dinner with us and has even stayed to watch a movie.   She is a bit like an addition to our household, especially during and after her parent’s divorce. She looked at her time with us as respite from the turmoil at home.

Where am I going with this story?

It seems cliché to have a story about the babysitter.  In a forum like this with a blog like mine, it seems obvious where this is going.  (Pause.  Let the fantasy build.  Yes, I am talking about the fantasy going on in your mind right now you perv.   Yes, keep thinking about it.  Here it comes . . . Buzz-kill!).   Let me say right now that this story is NOT going there.

Kayla may be 21, but to me she is still that little girl that grew up on our street. I have a hard time seeing my two older sons as adults, let alone Kayla. In fact, since she is about the same age as one of my son’s and younger than my oldest, I can’t envision any hanky-panky with someone who is ostensibly a peer to my children.   So, I know where your mind was going, but I’ll put a buzz-kill on that fantasy right now. It ain’t happening.

So what is the purpose of sharing this?   The issue for me is that it is getting more inconvenient for me to hide TTWD from her. She has been hanging around us with greater frequency lately.  When she is around, at best I have to turn down my submissiveness, or at worst, I turn it completely off.  I am mentally distracted by having to think in an un-sub way and just don’t like being un-submissive.  Thus, Mike and I talked and we agreed to “come out” to Kayla about some of TTWD.

I am concerned about how she will react. While I believe I know her well enough to feel like she will accept it, I don’t know if it will make her uncomfortable such that she wouldn’t want to babysit any longer. I’d hate to lose her as she is my often my respite as caregiver.   Also, it feels awkward to share something like this with her given her age and how long we have known her. I can try to justify it by remembering that I was already married at her age, and yes, she is an adult. . . but, as I said, I still see her as a little girl.

I feel that anything related to TTWD should come to her naturally, as part of growing up and seeking new experiences, not as part of something we expose her to.   I know that sounds stupid given the fact that this stuff (and far more extreme stuff) is practically everywhere these days. I just realized what it is as I was typing this.  She evokes my motherly-instincts.  Thus, it is hard to discuss a topic like this with her.  It is almost like I would be telling my own children about it.  But,  I feel I must do so as I can not suppress my submissiveness when she is around.  Plus, the thought of expressing it in front of her brings me joy and excitement. I just hope we don’t lose her.

This weekend I plan to sit down with her and explain it. I haven’t shared our lifestyle with anyone that knows me other than John and Donna.  I don’t plan on giving Kayla a blow-by-blow account (both figuratively and literally, hee hee), regarding what our Domestic Discipline is all about, but at least give her the general picture.

This ought to be interesting.  I don’t know what to expect.

Next: 77. Heart to Heart with Kayla

16. Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies.

I was asked what’s been the most difficult part of my DD lifestyle.  It’s being able to be discreet with a child in the home – DD isn’t always convenient.  We’ve found ways to accomplish a Reward Ceremony when our son is home and awake, but it’s tough.

Other than that, the hardest thing had to do with my “sex clause.”  In case you haven’t read my contract (please do), there is a clause that requires me to share my “sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, or fantasies.”  This was only added to our contract last October, so it is still fairly new.

I found that it initially was the most difficult part of our contract, but it is getting a lot easier.  It has been incredibly rewarding and Mike has reciprocated.  I think having such frank and honest discussions about myself made him comfortable to share the same with me.  But starting that conversation was very very uncomfortable, even after almost 25 years of marriage, we have never talked so frankly about sex.  It’s funny because it is now getting to the point that when we share, the other person is like, “yeah, yeah, whatever.”  We’ve come to understand that when it comes to what’s in our minds, we can all be sick as fuck and that is normal.

Couples Therapy Anyone?
Here’s some “couples therapy” to try if you want to have some amazing conversations with your partner. It’s only for couples who unconditionally trust in their love for their partner, and in their partner’s love for them.
– – – – If you’re insecure, then do not try this at home! – – – –

Sit down with your partner and have a discussion on the differences between sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Then, if you are so bold, actually share your sexual thoughts, dreams, desires, and fantasies.  Not only share them in that discussion, but do so each time you had such a thought, dream, desire, or fantasy.  That is what Mike and I do!

Once you get over the terror and embarrassment, it becomes some of the most amazing conversations you will ever have with your partner. So step one for us was to agree on what the definitions where.

This is what we came up with for our definitions — any comments?   

What is a Sexual Thought?
Any idea that pops in my head about anything sexual and that idea is fairly short lived is a sexual thought.  Some examples include

• We are having sex and I have this thought of, “oh, I hope he goes there.”
• I see someone sexually attractive and think, “I wonder what they’d be like in bed.”
• Something brushes against my nipple and I think, “oh, that was kinda’ nice.”
• It is in and out of my head fairly quickly. My mind moves on to other things.

What is a Sexual Dream?
A dream are those things you have when you are asleep.  They are not those things you aspire or wish for, as we called those Desires.  So, it’s simply sharing our sex dreams. These can get crazy and include all sorts of weirdness and physically impossible sex acts.

What is a Sexual Desire?
These are the things we aspire to do, where we have strong feelings of wanting or wishing for.  The amazing thing about sharing these with your partner are that you can actually then do a lot of those things together.  The worst thing is that you find they just aren’t into even wanting to try that. Yes, that just sucks, and not in a good way.  Once you both share enough of your desires, you start to lose your concerns about shocking the other person or feeling embarrassed.  Believe me, after almost 25 years of marriage and a lot of desires already acted out, our remaining desires were pretty shocking and embarrassing.  Of course, then there are the desires that the other person can’t immediately fulfill for various reasons of which I’ll let your imagination determine.  But even if you can’t fulfill those things with your partner, you can still talk about whether or not you both agree on pursuing that fulfillment.   Here are some examples using the same situations from Sexual Thoughts:

• We are having sex and I tell him, “Please go there.”
• I see someone attractive and tell Mike, “I must take them to bed.” (Not saying this has happened, but not saying it hasn’t).
• Something brushes against my nipple and I immediately want my nipple clamps.
• It is in my head every time I think about what I want to do sexually.

What is Sexual Fantasy?
Ah! The things we fantasize about but wouldn’t actually want to do (for now) or that may implausible or impossible.  I added the “for now” because sometimes a fantasy turns into a desire.  For us, this exercise of sharing caused us to be so open and comfortable to sexually explore together, we both moved some things from the fantasy box to the desire box (and the “did that” box, giggle giggle).  But mostly, the fantasies stayed fantasies.  Again, using the same situations as before, the fantasy would look more like this

• We are having sex and my mind visualizes Mike’s cock going into both my ass and pussy at the same time.
• There is a group of friends of ours that I think about having an orgy with.
• Something brushes against my nipple and my mind envisions that it turns into lips and suckles me, then makes it way down to eat me until I cum.
• It is a recurring theme or even one time theme in my head when I want to escape in sexual thoughts or need something “more” to get myself turned on.

The fantasies are definitely the most fun and outrageous while also potentially the scariest to share.  Again, you must have complete confidence and trust in your love for each other with no hints of insecurity, else sharing these will cause distrust and jealously.

What did we share?
Of the fantasies I shared with Mike, probably the most shocking to him was the group sex/orgy fantasy with men and women that included Mike in the mix. Also there was the “stranger in the night” fantasy as I call it where I have sex with some random stranger, man or woman, and never know who they are, not even a name.  He also was pretty shocked at some of the humiliation type fantasies I have.   Mike asked me if I had any rape fantasies.  I would say the answer is no, but some similar elements.  For me that fantasy is more about being dominated with permission, and the dominant then won’t stop when I want them to.  They aren’t hurting me badly, but I definitely want them to stop and they won’t.  Oh, and that dominate can be male or female depending on my mood.

Of the fantasies that Mike shared with me, some of the more shocking ones were that his fantasies often involved me, either lots of people watching me or having sex with me.  He also had some pretty far out humiliation/submissive type fantasies.  By far the most shocking to me was the sharing me with a bunch of guy, like five or six at a time.

We did find one fantasy in common and that is I often fantasize about being the “center of attention” (COA).  Groups of people watching me masturbate or have sex.  Mike said he also fantasized about me being the COA.  So, if we both have the same fantasy does that mean we act on it?  Of course not, at least, not necessarily or not completely.   Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

One-time deal?
Sharing is not a one time proposition.  The fantasies don’t change that much but thoughts, dreams, and desires do.  Plus, all of them can recur over and over again.  We’ve got to a nighttime routine where we share our sexual thoughts of the day.   It can be comical and fun at times.  It means Mike may tell me about where his mind went at work because someone wore a low-cut blouse that day, or I may tell him I had visions of dick while I had a banana that day.

Our DD lifestyle has opened us up in so many ways, and sexually is one of those ways.  We have sex just about every night, and a good number are marathon sessions.  We’ve found we have to go to bed earlier so that we can still get a good night’s rest.  After all, one of my self-care requirements is that I get good rest.  I’ll joke with him that we both need to cum quick else he will have to spank me for staying up too late.   Hum….maybe if he did the latter, we could accomplish the former?

That leads me this…. Is spanking a part of sex for us?  Prior to DD, no, not really.  Some light spanking sometimes when we did doggy, but that’s it.   Now, we actually both spank each other.  Not the “bend over for a spanking” spanking, but the slapping of the ass as we fuck…and sometimes some very hard slapping.  While the “bend over” type spankings are reserved for Transgressions, overall our sex is more physical.  He slaps my breasts and pussy harder than before, and I slap his cock harder than before.  We also use a lot more toys than before and I almost always wear the nipple clamps during sex.   Overall there is more physical “pounding” of our bodies and at the same time a lot more “play” that isn’t just penetration.

Okay, I thought maybe I could distract you with changing the subject.  I know what you’ve been wanting to ask since about half way through this post.  “So, Jennifer, what things went from the “fantasy” box to the “desire” box to the “did that” box?  

That will have to be for another post!
Next – 17. Short Post