Tag Archives: expectations

104. What’s my role? Dom-ish?

dosu

It’s only been six days since Kayla moved in.   The holiday family comings-and-goings has out of our regular routine.  We are all making adjustments where we can so Kayla and I can fulfill our submissive needs as best as possible.  I look forward to resuming a more normal routine and allow Kayla to experience more consistency in her submission.  

Just six days in and we experienced our first wrinkle.  While not specifically expected, we all went into this knowing we had things to learn and would need to make adjustments to fit everyone’s needs.  Well, we’ve had one such adjustment already.

As I mentioned before re Kayla’s contract, Kayla has nightly maintenance sessions (mine have always been weekly and remain so).  The main reason is to be sure we give and receive feedback more frequently as we “calibrate” Kayla’s needs with our awareness and ability to fulfill them.  

In each of her first four sessions, Kayla made it clear she wants us to be strict and “hold her feet to the fire.”  Not literally, of course – we do have limits!  As such we’ve implemented more required tasks of her and critique her very closely regarding her adherence.  One such task is the Morning Inspection.  

MORNING INSPECTION
She was required to keep her room neat and clean but now has to maintain it at an impeccable level, else she is punished.  Any clothes that she has folded and in a drawer must be precisely folded and organized a certain way.  The hangers in her closet must be spaced apart at a distance of three of her fingers and all hanging clothes must face a certain way.  Every day she must dust her furniture and baseboards, vacuum, and clean both her mirror and window every day.  Her bed must be made the moment she gets up (assuming she slept in it and not in ours!).  Her personal appearance is also subject to inspection (as shared in Post 92. The Inspection).   She is to get up early to attend to these duties and on workdays Mike will do an inspection before he leaves for work.   On days he is off he will do so shortly after he wakes up. 

CHANGE IN ATTENDING HER MAINTENANCE SESSIONS
After I attended the first four sessions, Kayla asked that I stop attending the entire session.  She asked that I attend at the start, give any feedback on observations from the day, and then leave unless she or Mike specifically asks that I stay.  Her reason was simply she wanted most of the session to be between her and Mike.

The sub in me is fine with this.  The wife in me is very happy with this – as I mentioned before, I want Kayla and Mike to forge their own relationship that is not always dependent on my involvement.  Also, I am happy that Kayla was comfortable enough to say this as I know it was hard for her to voice that.  However, the supposed Dom in me was confused! 

I am comfortable with Kayla being submissive to me and she wants to be submissive to me, but clearly we need to define what this really means.  Does she really want to be submissive to me or not?  While she is submissive to me, it is clear that I am not her Dom, nor do I want to be.  That is Mike’s role.  In addition, I don’t want her to be nor consider her to be “my submissive.” She is Mike’s, not mine.   She says she wants to be submissive to me, but then not be involved in her Maintenance Sessions?   So what is my role?

We had a good discussion about this that helped me accept my role.  As we previously agreed and Kayla has in her contract, she must call me Ma’am, and must fulfill my requests and follow my directions.   However, she is free to question me at any time as that is intended to help her learn.  Her questioning needs to be calm and inquisitive and I can cut off further questioning if I feel it is necessary.  She can then bring up the issue at her Maintenance Session.  In addition, I am to deliver Immediate Rewards when earned, and can defer other punishments until Mike is able to deliver them.  

While all of these items were the expectations that were initially set, we didn’t explicitly talk about Maintenance Sessions but it was inferred I would participate.  Now she doesn’t want me there.  Again, I have no qualms about attending or not, it is simply about setting expectations and clearly defining my role.  I accept that the definition of my role will likely change over time as Kayla discovers what is and what is not fulfilling to her as a submissive. 

We talked about this and while we couldn’t really put a name on it.  I am dom-like, but not a Dom, I am submissive to Mike, but have to keep a Dom-mindset when dealing with Kayla.   So, sort of dom-lite, or submissive plus?  The best labels that we came up with to convey my role was Dom-Assistant or Submissive-enabler.   That is, I help serve as Mike’s proxy when he is away and will limit any spankings or punishments to those requiring Immediate Rewards when Mike is not around.  For all others, Kayla will self-report to Mike and Mike will handle accordingly.    In addition, I help facilitate Kayla’s submissive mindset, promoting certain behaviors through my “orders” and general interaction with her.   However, I am not “her Dom” and she is not “my sub.”

 I believe talking through this helped better set expectations going forward and I am fine with this.  This isn’t about my need to be a Dom – as I don’t need it.  It is simply about understanding Kayla’s needs and being there to help her be the sub she wants, so long as it does not interfere with my submissiveness.   I think this clarification provides a good balance that allows me to help her while staying within my submissive head space.   

We talked about re-writing a section of her contract to better codify what it means for her to be submissive to me, but we decided to hold off for now as I am sure we will learn more as we go.  In the meantime, we simply have this new understanding of how it will work.

I’ve got an interesting punishment story to share on my next post re Kayla and more cursing.

NEXT: 105. Cleaning a Potty Mouth

93. Post Inspection. Defining Needs.

needshierarchy

MY THOUGHTS ON THE EVENTS
Regarding the events shared in my prior post, I was elated with the outcome of our visit with Kayla. I could not have wished for any better way to have handled the conversation than the way Mike handled it. I don’t have enough superlatives to do Mike justice, so will just leave it at that.

While the inspection was a complete ad-lib, Mike told me he was trying to come up with some way to have Kayla demonstrate some level of submissiveness during our visit. He couldn’t think of anything that would avoid pushing Kayla too far, too fast. The inspection idea just suddenly hit him as Kayla was pressing us for suggestions. He figured there was nothing to lose when he asked Kayla to undress. She could have said no, which would have been fine, and the conversation would have continued absent “the inspection.” But, since Kayla was open to it . . . well, you read what happened next.

HOW MUCH ABOUT KAYLA?
As Kayla becomes more important to my life it seems natural that I share more about her. I need to remain mindful that it is one thing to share some insights about an acquaintance within the context of my experience with them. It is another to delve into the highly personal details of so many aspects of their life and psyche.

She reads my blog and has encouraged me to share whatever I like. I think it allows her to vicariously get herself “out there.” I encouraged her to start her own blog as she loves to write. It’s been my experience thus far that people like YOU in the blogosphere are highly positive and supportive of one another, even when discussing a topic that is not akin to your personal taste. Maybe I’ve been fortunate? She seemed lukewarm to the idea. We’ll see.

Kayla stayed with us all day on Friday, having dinner with us and not leaving until the evening. Mike had us remain naked the entire time. Nothing sexual went on and she was never spanked. There were some opportunities where Mike could have given her one, or even just a play one, but Mike said he purposely wanted to avoid giving her one. He thinks that prolonging it as long as possible will build an anticipation within Kayla that will make it all the more positive and pleasurable for her.

CRYBABY
There was a point after lunch that Kayla stayed in the restroom quite a while. When she came out it is was clear she had been crying. She explained that nothing was wrong and that she cries a lot anytime she has been nervous or anxious for a period of time. “I can’t help it. I am a big crybaby. I am not sad, it just happens and I feel so much better when I am done. I had a lot of anxiety about this visit and I am anxious to move in here, not just because I want out from living with my mom, and not just because I love you all so much and feel so safe and happy when I am around you, but also because of this submission thing. It is all just overwhelming and exciting that I can’t wait.”

She went on to share that she rarely cries in the moment. She thinks she somehow trained herself to hold back in the moment, then burst out in tears when she is alone. She said sometimes these outbursts just happen out of nowhere, and other times she knows it is just there under the surface and she can hold it until she is ready to release it.   That got us talking about how she thinks she will take a punishment.

She said that she is crybaby when it comes to physical pain as well, but often in the same way as emotional stress. She recalled breaking her arm when she fell off a bike as a child and not crying much more than a whimper. Once they had gone to the hospital and she was home all comfy in bed, she cried as if she had just broken it.   It will be interesting to see how she reacts to a spanking.

KAYLAS DOCUMENT – WHAT SHE WANTS HELP WITH
She talked about the things she wants to emotionally improve about herself. She wants help in expressing her emotions in the moment. She knows she is calculating, even with her feelings, and she holds back a lot. She figures it can’t be healthy long term, and she believes it results in stunting her feelings…she misses out on feeling anything at times because she defers or defeats the emotion.

Not sure exactly how we best deal with that, other than encourage her to express herself in the moment. I can tell this will be easier said than done as it will take really challenging her on what she is truly feeling. I already know she has a tendency of identifying an emotion that is clearly just the veneer of what she is truly feeling. As I said before, any emotions come with an entourage of associates.

She also wants help in not drinking. Her mom drinks too much and Kayla has slowly seen a tendency towards drinking too much in herself.   What was just a social thing, rarely drinking to excess, has turned into more occasions of excess. She said the real awakening for her was when she drank alone for the first time, just because she wanted it. She said this scared her and she wants to stop now before “she turns into her mother.”

Lastly, the most surprising thing she asked for help in is in being more empathetic.
She shared that in some ways she feels her compassion is an act. In her mind, it’s brought about as an act of contrition to balance out the negative things she feels about herself. She said that her desire to help or to try to understand the pain of another does not come from love, but from self-pity.  She says there are times she feels she can’t relate at all to someone’s dilemma and feels like giving them a bop on the head and saying, “get it together.” She suppresses that urge and feigns compassion.   Then, although she did something kind for the person, she feels bad because her motivations were not pure.

I would have thought of her as one of the most compassionate people I know – no, let me rephrase that.  She is the most compassionate person I know, even if it comes from a not so loving place.  Not sure how we can help with this one.  Clearly this and all of her other issues she wants help with are tied to her self-esteem.

Does being submissive and being spanked help or hurt that? I came into DD from a foundation of self-assuredness. Kayla believes submission will help her. She approaches things like she would approach a math problem, you just have to solve it. She thinks the accountability and pure vulnerability will allow her to let go and feel in the moment. While I can relate to that, I just don’t know if it will do that for her. Several times we reminded her that there was no expectation that she do anything of this. She is free to live here and not be submissive. She is determined to give submission a try. She actually used the word “craves” when describing submission.

On the next post I’ll talk about the framework we collectively came up with regarding a D/s contract for Kayla. It is fairly consistent with the framework of my Contract.  She is writing it this week – and yes – it includes Kayla’s submission to me, at least to some extent. More on that on the next post.

NEXT: 94. Kayla’s Contract: Defining her Submission.

81. Expectations

expect
Just a quick post about Kayla and then I’ll post something new and sizzling. After five straight posts about her, starting with 76. Meet the Babysitter, it’s time to share other things. . . after this brief message.

Expectations are Premeditated Resentments.
As mentioned in my last post, I feel so much better about the situation. Being more in control of the decision has really opened my mind up to better explore the possibilities. I’ve been clear with Kayla that I need her to share her expectations with us, and we will continue to share ours with her.

It reminds me of one of my favorite sayings,  “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” That is, our expectations set us up for future resentment. In other words, the root of all resentment are the expectations we had that were not fulfilled.  It is akin to what I explored in my post 30. I Found My Thrill.

It may sound like I am beating a dead horse but I am pushing Kayla to search inside herself and understand and articulate her expectations – and Mike and I are doing the same searching. (I wonder how “beating a dead horse” translates internationally? No, it’s not a BDSM euphemism, but it sounds like it could be!).

Bottom line – If expectations are aligned (doesn’t mean they have to be the same, just not in conflict), then we greatly reduce the risk of resentment rearing its ugly head.

Okay, I promise, no Kayla on the next post!

82. Enjoying the Ride

57. Maintenance Session: Apologies and Back to School Sex and Submission

We just wrapped up our weekly Maintenance Session.

Spanking revisited:
We just wrapped up our Maintenance Session. I brought up the punishment that I didn’t agree with.   At first Mike resisted a bit, saying it was about my tone and not about his frustration, but then he did admit that it was both.   He said his initial trigger in spanking me was my tone, but that he was clearly frustrated and he let that frustration into the  spanking.  He said that clearly, the third set of spankings was all about his frustration, so if we were to break it down, maybe the first set was the tone, the last the frustration, and the middle a mix of both.  Regardless, he apologized and said he knows it is important to keep the Rewards focused on the goals of our Domestic Discipline and our journey into a more D/s relationship doesn’t change that.   I was relieved that we were on the same page with this.  I am not sure how easily I would have let this go if he insisted it was only about the tone I used.

Foursome revisited:
We also talked about sex with John and Donna.  We were also in agreement there.  We both shared that we enjoyed it a lot and we both felt good about the experiences.  We both admitted to a bit of shock that we were actually living out this shared fantasy – shock as in a happy and amazing way, not in an alarming and upsetting sort of way.

We both shared that we experienced this post-coital feeling shortly after orgasm where we both wish John and Donna would go away.  It’s like we just want to be with each other in that moment.  That feeling only lasted a minute or two before we were back into loving the moment with the four of us.  We found it interesting that we both shared that post-coital feeling. I wonder if that’s a common thing with couples?

Back to School – Sex and Submission
We also talked about how things should be with school back in session tomorrow.  Mike said that once I got home from dropping our son off at school, I was to take my clothes off in the garage, before I stepped into the house.  I would remain naked all day and would only get dressed to run errands or if I had visitors other than Donna.

We also talked about Donna.  Donna works part-time and we often go shopping or run errands together in the afternoon, or otherwise just hang out together.  Now that we were having sex with John and Donna, we talked about whether Donna and I could have sex without the guys.  Mike and John had already talked it over and agreed we could, but they needed to know about it.  I would text Mike with “out with Donna” whenever Donna and I were planning to have sex.  Keep in mind thus far Donna and I have never been alone with just each other, so the thought of this really excites me.

Mike said that each Monday, Wednesday, and Friday would be a “device” day where I would have to wear something from the moment I woke up until 11 a.m. (that’s about 3.5 hours).  Monday’s would be a butt plug, Wednesday would be the tack bra, and Friday would be nipple clamps.  They remain in use even if I have errands to run.  No exceptions.   I was impressed that Mike came up with this idea on his own.  In the past this would have happened only if I suggested to Mike that I was open to something kinky, and perhaps would even have to specify what it was.  Now, he is just coming up with this stuff on his own.   It shows me he is willing to be dominant.  Of course, I love not just the dominance itself, but the fact he is comfortable coming up with ways to express his dominance.

Oh – I have been working on a really nice tack bra and will have it finished by Wednesday.  I got some ideas for it online.  I used leather and an old t-shirt and cut some bra cup shapes.  I inserted 55 tacks through one leather cup and then through the cup made from the t-shirt.  The extra layer of the t-shirt gave me something softer against my breasts and added just enough material so that the tacks were still protruding pretty well, but not as much as they would be without the extra layer of material.  You can say I am cheating, but Mike agree to this, at least for now.  It isn’t intended as a “punishment bra” so the Submissive Rules Committee allows it.

I then covered the flat side of the tacks with another piece of leather to lock the tacks in place.  I used my sewing skills and stitched it all together.   One problem with the stitching is that it pulls the layers together pretty tightly, so the new “tack pad” lays pretty flat.  I ended up having to sew this pad into the bra so that it conformed to the shape of the bra cup.  I’ve got one cup done and all is left on the remaining one is to sew it into the bra.

I continue to marvel at my personal journey over the last 17 months.  It has been quite a transformation and I can honestly say it has surpassed every expectation I had.  I’ve discovered a part of me that I didn’t know existed, and a strength and dedication that I didn’t know existed.   I am living life and loving life, every moment, every day.   It still sounds odd to say it, but I owe it all to spanking – more specifically, to Domestic Discipline. 

NEXT:  Sex with Donna. . . What did I forget?

4. The Plan: Expectations & Commitments

The Plan: Expectations and Commitments   – (renamed) Duties and Obligations

I immediately had this two part plan developed in my head in what seemed like an instant.

Part One.
Establish a clear set of expectations for myself that I would in turn commit to with my husband – a set of personal expectations and commitments to myself. I renamed these Duties and Obligations.  I wanted a term that was more powerful and spoke of a stronger commitment on my part, as these things were and are a part of my soul.

Expectations would help me define the person I want to be for myself – my DD was going to be different.  I was empowered, I called the shots.   I will not consider myself as being submissive and my husband as dominate, no more than a professional sports player would be considered submissive to his coach.  This was about me, baby!  It was about the person I want to be for myself first, which embodied who I wanted to be for my husband and my children.

I started writing a list of expectations and commitments right away as I was excited about actually articulating what my expectations of myself would be.  I recommend everyone do this (and share them with their spouse, DD or not).   Remember, these aren’t duties and obligations my husband has imposed on me.  They are all 100% self-imposed.  This is very different than most DD lifestyles, but remember, the lifestyle is for you to define.  There is no rule book and you won’t be kicked out of any DD club for doing it wrong.  While most DD lifestyles are defined by more extreme submissive and dominant roles, so what?  That wasn’t going to define mine.

Part Two.
I needed my husband to help me meet my duties and obligations.  How?  Would it actually be through discipline like spanking?  How could I allow it and would he even do it?   For some reason this idea just spoke to my soul.  It excited me and for some reason I just knew it was the right thing for me and could bring about a significant and immediate change in my life.   I was set on pursuing some form of DD.  I just needed to figure out how to get input from my husband that kept our DD focused on my goals.  OMG!  I now had to share this crazy idea with my husband.  How will I do that?

NEXT – 5. Before Getting the Hubby Aboard!