Tag Archives: excitement

76. Meet the Babysitter

sitter

We have a go-to babysitter, Kayla, who is twenty-one years old. She first started watching my son since she was 12. Suffice to say we have gotten to know her extremely well. We know her parents casually – they used to live on our street.   They got divorced and moved away, but Kayla and her mom still live in the same town, just farther away from our house. Kayla lives at home and goes to college.

When Kayla isn’t available I typically ask one of my two sisters who live in town. Between the three of them we are pretty fortunate to always be able to find someone to watch our son. I think I mentioned before that he is 16, but has special needs. He can be somewhat independent and care for himself, but needs to have some supervision to ensure he remains safe and secure. Thus, other than Kayla and my sisters, it is not like we would ever trust him with a babysitter who was unknown to us and inexperienced with being around my son. Kayla sort of grew into the role of trusted babysitter since she interacted a lot with our son when they were both little.

I often call Kayla to join me for errands when I am unable to leave our son with Mike. I find it easier to shop or do errands when I have another set of eyes, ears, and hands.   Kayla seems to enjoy it because not only do I pay her for her time, but it is basically like a shopping trip for her, even if she isn’t actually buying things. We have gotten to know each other very well, and sometimes we have invited Kayla to have dinner with us and has even stayed to watch a movie.   She is a bit like an addition to our household, especially during and after her parent’s divorce. She looked at her time with us as respite from the turmoil at home.

Where am I going with this story?

It seems cliché to have a story about the babysitter.  In a forum like this with a blog like mine, it seems obvious where this is going.  (Pause.  Let the fantasy build.  Yes, I am talking about the fantasy going on in your mind right now you perv.   Yes, keep thinking about it.  Here it comes . . . Buzz-kill!).   Let me say right now that this story is NOT going there.

Kayla may be 21, but to me she is still that little girl that grew up on our street. I have a hard time seeing my two older sons as adults, let alone Kayla. In fact, since she is about the same age as one of my son’s and younger than my oldest, I can’t envision any hanky-panky with someone who is ostensibly a peer to my children.   So, I know where your mind was going, but I’ll put a buzz-kill on that fantasy right now. It ain’t happening.

So what is the purpose of sharing this?   The issue for me is that it is getting more inconvenient for me to hide TTWD from her. She has been hanging around us with greater frequency lately.  When she is around, at best I have to turn down my submissiveness, or at worst, I turn it completely off.  I am mentally distracted by having to think in an un-sub way and just don’t like being un-submissive.  Thus, Mike and I talked and we agreed to “come out” to Kayla about some of TTWD.

I am concerned about how she will react. While I believe I know her well enough to feel like she will accept it, I don’t know if it will make her uncomfortable such that she wouldn’t want to babysit any longer. I’d hate to lose her as she is my often my respite as caregiver.   Also, it feels awkward to share something like this with her given her age and how long we have known her. I can try to justify it by remembering that I was already married at her age, and yes, she is an adult. . . but, as I said, I still see her as a little girl.

I feel that anything related to TTWD should come to her naturally, as part of growing up and seeking new experiences, not as part of something we expose her to.   I know that sounds stupid given the fact that this stuff (and far more extreme stuff) is practically everywhere these days. I just realized what it is as I was typing this.  She evokes my motherly-instincts.  Thus, it is hard to discuss a topic like this with her.  It is almost like I would be telling my own children about it.  But,  I feel I must do so as I can not suppress my submissiveness when she is around.  Plus, the thought of expressing it in front of her brings me joy and excitement. I just hope we don’t lose her.

This weekend I plan to sit down with her and explain it. I haven’t shared our lifestyle with anyone that knows me other than John and Donna.  I don’t plan on giving Kayla a blow-by-blow account (both figuratively and literally, hee hee), regarding what our Domestic Discipline is all about, but at least give her the general picture.

This ought to be interesting.  I don’t know what to expect.

Next: 77. Heart to Heart with Kayla

70. What the Funk?

funk

I’ve never gone this long without posting (more than two weeks!)

There is too much to cover to share all the various goings on during the last two weeks, so I’ll just share one particular item that was profound in my DD journey.

I’ve shared numerous stories of my ever-increasing need for deeper submission (a common backdrop since the beginning, but definitely a theme starting in 46. Reflections and 47 Birth of Dom.)  Well, I believe I found the limits of the submission I desire. 

I fell into a bit of funk and even my sexual appetite was low.  Part of me thought it was simply that I’ve had a year and a half of almost constant stimulation, amazing sex with Mike, amazing sex with John and Donna, and my body finally couldn’t produce any more “spark.”   But the feeling lingered far too long for my liking.  More concerning to me was that I was feeling less than fully satisfied with my acts of submission.  I still submitted, but, in some cases there just wasn’t the same joy in it.

It was also odd that this “funk” came on in an instant, not slowly over time.   It was quite odd to me, like in a flash – all of a sudden I was looking at my DD journey from the outside, as if I was looking back at someone else’s experiences.  I was feeling how some of it just seemed ridiculous to this “outside” me.  It gave me a moment of doubt that perhaps this journey should end.  That thought didn’t last long, but it shocked me that I had the thought at all.   Ultimately I came to the conclusion that, no, I thoroughly enjoy being submissive, but, I needed to back off on some of the things we have implemented.

It strange how we interpret changes in our life.  In the past when I wanted to change to submit more, it always made me feel good.  In no way did I think it indicated a failure in what we were doing.  So why is it that now I wanted to submit less,  it made me bad, like it indicated a failure in what we were doing?

I’ve concluded that this inconsistency in my perception of change is much like any journey.  In a new adventure there is wonderment, amazement and excitement, not just in the moment, but for where the moment might take you.  Once you have reached the end of the journey, instead of being excited that you have done so, you are saddened that the journey is over.  As far as submission goes, I do believe I exceeded the limits of what I want, so my seeking the “right” level of submission for me is at an end, at least for now.

Let me share how this came about and what exactly it is we are changing.  It will probably be very anti-climactic when I tell you what is changing, but for me it isn’t about the number or degree of changes, it is simply that any change, however slight, marked the end of the journey (for now).

Before I ever hit this funk Mike and I had talked about the likelihood this would happen someday.  We knew we would not recognize the level of submission that worked best for us until we exceeded the threshold of what made us the happiest.  So I told Mike that I believe I was beyond that threshold.

I told him all I wanted to change was the constant nudity during the day, and the “Device Days” we implement three days a week (discussed in Post 57).   I told him for whatever reason, those have come to bother me.  They didn’t at first, but somehow got to a point where they seemed unnecessary, punitive, and just uncomfortable and inconvenient.    That was all I wanted to change.

The surprising thing was Mike said no!

He said he is all for dialing down my submission, but, he wasn’t convinced that is what I truly wanted.  He knows me so well.  He knows anytime I get in any type of funk or have doubts creep in about anything, my first instinct is to start changing things – any things.  Even though I gave this a lot of thought, he knows that sometimes for me making any change is simply a distraction and not an actual solution.  Thus it might provide a temporary lift out of my funk and feel like progress, but soon the funk would return as it didn’t really address the issue.  He said, “Let’s give it one more week, as is, and then see how you feel.”

I really didn’t want to wait, as I felt pretty certain about my feelings.  The old Jenny would have persisted until I got my way, but, this submissiveness has grown on me.   I felt that if this is what Mike wanted, then I could do for one more week, and who knows, maybe he would be right.

Funny thing, I really enjoyed that week more than I had in some time.  The thought that in essence Mike was making me do this against my explicit wishes actually turned me on.   That feeling I got confirmed in me how much I like to submit to him.  However, as the week came to a close I knew I couldn’t maintain doing those things I mentioned. Ultimately Mike agreed and we made some changes.

No more “device days” as a routine, but they still could occur as punishment.  And, I would remain topless during the day but could wear panties – it was really an issue of comfort for me. I get that doing uncomfortable things is part of submission, but for whatever reason, those two things just crossed the line.  Yes, spanking me until I cry is fine.  Yes, making me stand in the corner is fine.  Yes, calling you Sir is fine.  Yes, sometimes making me too sore to sit is fine . . . . but just please let me have my panties on.

And like that, the funk was lifted.   We are in an incredible routine with my submission.  I feel great, Mike feels great, our son is thriving, Mike and I have plenty of adult time, and things couldn’t be better.

Perhaps now I’ll share some of the more salacious and kinky things that went on over the last few weeks.  Mike did go out-of-town on business, allowing me to go solo over to John and Donna’s!  Perhaps that will be my next post?

Next:  71. Good Girl.