Tag Archives: evolve

143. My Evolving Submission

evolve

COMMENT TO A BLOG COMMENT
Something interesting (to me anyway) happened.  Mike was looking at my blog on my phone, reading some of the comments and said, “Hey, I am going to respond to this comment as if you are responding.”  He then proceeded to type away.

To acknowledge his statement I responded with a nonchalant, “Okay, Sir,”

He then said, “Aren’t you wondering what the comment was or what I am writing?”

“Sure, Sir, I am curious, but I am sure I will read it in due time.”

“Wait,” he said, “you aren’t burning to know right now what it’s about?”

“No, Sir.  I am not.”

He seemed shocked.  “So, you aren’t dying to know what I am stating.  You know they are going to think it is you that is replying?  That doesn’t concern you?”

“Sir, I would never lie about such things.  I am not dying to know.  I trust whatever you are writing is something you believe is appropriate.  That’s good enough for me.”

Mike continued in amazement, “Jen, come on now, this blog is your little baby and I am messing with it.  What if I am saying something you don’t like.”

“Sir…Mike, I am fine with anything you decide to write.  Whatever it is, it represents what you want my response to say and therefore I accept it as my own.  I will read it in due course, no hurry.” (I have a habit of using his name when I am dead serious about something.  I still use “Sir,” but will throw in his name as well).

Mike continued to question me as if he didn’t believe me.  Well, not “as if” he didn’t believe me.  It was clear, he didn’t actually believe me.

“Mike! I am serious and also saddened that you aren’t believing me…Sir.  I truly do not care that you responded on my behalf and I am 100% fine with whatever you chose to write.  I accept it as my own even without knowing what is says, because I know it says what you want it to say.  That’s good enough for me.”

Mike was a bit dumbfounded and said, “I am sorry that I inferred you weren’t being honest about your feelings.  It just surprised me that you didn’t feel the least bit violated that I was treading on your blog turf.”

“Sir, I don’t believe I can ever interpret anything you do as an imposition or as violating me in some way.   I trust you explicitly and without question, especially when it comes to any decision you make on my behalf.”

Mike was in awe and immediately had to hug me.  He said he always tries to wield his Dominance in a way that builds trust and was worried a bit about the recent punishment regarding the blender I didn’t buy.  He was concerned that maybe it went too far as it didn’t recognize the progress I’ve made in controlling my purchasing habits.  He then told me that ultimately he felt that particular punishment was in order as this was just too serious of a subject and I needed to not only keep my actions in check, but also my thoughts.  

I told Mike I appreciated that punishment and never expect him to have to justify a punishment.  If I feel confused or unsure about the motives or purpose, I will bring it up at a Maintenance Session, and frankly, I was neither confused nor unsure about the purpose of that punishment.

FREE MYSELF FROM INTENTION
I did admit that more than likely, if he made that blog comment on my behalf before the last punishment, I probably would have been like, “Noooo!”  Or, “Please tell me what you’re writing.”  But, the last punishment reinforced to me that consistently meeting my Duties and Obligations is not just about my actions, but also about my thoughts.  While not every thought leads to an action, every action starts as a thought.  Given my history with reckless buying habits, I need to free myself of the impulses and of the thoughts – not just try to suppress those impulses.  It is very much about freeing myself of my intentions, as I wrote about in Post 30. I found my thrill.

I told him that last punishment had me reflecting on my submission and on his dominance.  I finally fully understood the power of freeing myself from my intentions (per Post 30).  I  told him he has done everything to deserve my complete trust, my complete surrender.  While I’ve been very submissive, I haven’t fully submitted in my thoughts.  That’s something I want to work on.  

I realize a lot of it is around letting go of petty issues and yes, letting go of some old baggage I still carry regarding my disdain for misogyny.  I want to focus only on what is most important.  Our DD has evolved such that what is most important has changed.  It is still important to me to meet my Duties and Obligations, but of greater importance is simply my submission to him.  Thus, when he said he was going to respond to the comment on my behalf, I truly had no concerns or hesitations.  Nothing but trust that his comment was to his liking, and as a result, would be to mine as well.  In fact, I am glad he showed interest in whatever comment he felt he needed to respond to.

This marks another evolution of my DD, which is really D/s more than “just” DD.  I now look at Mike as my leader and the leader of our household, not just the executive in charge of administering the DD that I prescribed.   I love when Mike tells me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.  I love cherishing and serving him, and I love that he cherishes and loves my servitude.

It sounds so misogynistic to state that.  But as I stated before, I don’t advocate this lifestyle for women, no more than I would for sub men.  Submissiveness is gender-neutral to me.  It just so happens I am a woman and it works for me.  Life would suck if my submission was a societal expectation.  I want women to lead in business, government, and in households.  But such leadership is not for me.

WHAT WAS THE COMMENT?
Oh –
the comment was on 141. Master/slave Immersion 2.0, from lurvspanking who questioned Kayla’s preparedness for multiple sexual partners at one time.  Mike’s comment was simply to state the topic is still in discussion and proceeding with caution. He ended it with, “It may not happen.”   His point being that we are well aware that reality may not live up to fantasy, and even if it does, it may not be best for Kayla right now.  Although he didn’t state it, because he was responding as me, it is going to be his decision and he is not yet convinced it should happen.

So, there you have it.  More evidence of my ever evolving submission. 

NEXT: 144.  To ‘Sir’ or not to ‘Sir’, that is the question. . . 

66. An Esoteric Ramble

esoteric

The esoteric stuff – Continued from my prior post.

As I stared in the corner I reflected, not on the specific punishment, but on how my DD has evolved.  I continue to be amazed at the fact I enjoy this so much.  Not the spankings themselves – although they do have their element of pleasure along with the pain, whose mix will vary from spanking to spanking.  No, it isn’t the spankings themselves that have me amazed with myself.  So what it is?

I’ve shared before all the different words that submission means to me, such as in my Doctrine of Submission post, or Submission = Transparency = Love.   But a new word came to mind that I hadn’t considered before.  That word is vulnerability.

I enjoy being vulnerable.

Enjoying vulnerability is counter-culture.  We aren’t condition to enjoy that, even when we confine that vulnerability to our spouses or a small circle of friends.   We all make ourselves vulnerable to those around us, but the level at which we do it is often highly restricted.

When I allowed myself to become vulnerable through DD, I dropped the persona that I was clinging to.  Once the facade dropped, I became more authentic.  Not to just those around me, but to myself.  And the vulnerability is not just for the specific moments I am being punished or I am naked, or any specific thing related to our DD.  The vulnerability becomes a mindset.  It is always there in a positive way.  Similar to what I talked about in I Found My Thrill. 

I believe people around me can sense the authenticity.  When you are around someone who is authentic, you can’t always put your finger on it but you just sense something different.  You find them to be more approachable and you naturally reciprocate authenticity because they are more real.   People are comforted by authenticity.  I am guessing that is why it is common for someone who is fearful of public speaking to be given the suggestion that they envision their audience naked.

In reality, even if you are fake you are going to be vulnerable to your fakeness, but that doesn’t hurt the ego much because, well, because it was fake and not the real you.  It takes a lot of self-confidence to let the real you be vulnerable and thus subjecting the real you to various cheap shots.   And who better to be self-confident with and to show complete vulnerability to than your spouse?

I love being vulnerable to and around Mike.  I trust he will not misuse my vulnerability and it has led to him being a lot more vulnerable to me.  The net impact is that our relationship is closer and more intensely loving and passionate than I could have previously imagined.    Mike is worthy of my vulnerability.

My advice to everyone who is in a loving relationship is to become more vulnerable to your loved ones. I don’t mean write yourself a DD contract and hand it to them.   It can be far simpler than that – just sharing your thoughts and opinions, your likes and dislikes – about mundane things or erotic things, or about your fears or obsessions.   If the thought of that is too scary, perhaps they haven’t earned that level of trust from you.  If that is the case, perhaps you need to work on why that is.

If they aren’t worthy of your vulnerability, then perhaps they aren’t worthy of you.

NEXT: reblog: To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This