I last left you with my finding my “truth” regarding some negative feelings that crop up now and then regarding Donna and Kayla. It has been very liberating to have identified the “enemy” within and constructively deal with efforts to purge it. It’s a process, but all I have to say is “I am getting that feeling” and whether I am talking to Mike, Donna, Kayla, or some combination of the three or all three, they all lovingly and supportingly ask me to elaborate. They don’t do it in a “good grief, there she goes with her stupid reaction…” As I stated before, they recognize it as my “truth” and allow me to express what I am feeling at that moment of truth. Saying it out loud is very healing. It reinforces what I “logically know is true” which, repeated and shared enough in positive, affirming ways, should eventually evolve into what I “emotionally feel is true.”
I can already sense the feeling of jealousy is feeling less like jealousy and more like envy. Both are still bad, but to me, jealousy is more toxic. To me, jealousy feels like I am threatened and my mind goes into “fight or flight” mode or a “protect what I have” mode. My heart races faster, the volume of my voice goes up, my mind needs immediate resolution of this dire situation. It’s like envy+fear+anger. Envy on the other hand, is just wanting what someone else has. Envy has a touch of melancholy to it that jealousy doesn’t have. It doesn’t demand immediate resolution. It still isn’t fun, but it is not nearly as toxic as jealousy.
I find I get that feeling whenever I feel like I don’t have control, the glaring exception being the control I have voluntarily given up to Mike as his submissive. One thing we learned is that with just a few words Mike can take this negative feeling that starts to bubble inside me and squash it with a firm command. It’s like being submissive to him gives me all the permission I need to let go of trying to control anything.
Should I be punished for feeling jealous?
I had a conversation with Mike about what we should do when I have “those feelings (jealously/resentment). Should I be punished? Mike said that punishment felt wrong to him in this situation. I respectfully disagreed. I told him that punishments and submission have been very effective at reminding me of my commitments, which I value and cherish. They help me internalize the fact I can’t and don’t want to control everything. They focus me on our loving family and all the things I am grateful for. So when I self-report that I got “that feeling” again, I am open to any punishment if he decides to give it.
So Mike got an idea for a special “jealousy” punishment. He didn’t tell me what it was and said he would tell me when it became time to deliver it. Well, that didn’t take long.
Donna shared with me some plans she and John are making for an upcoming vacation. They are deciding between several fun options ranging from a ski trip to possibly the Bahama’s, or a Southern California/LasVegas get away. Their options are limited only by their time and money. I got jealous of that. Mike and I could afford such trips, but it is the challenge of either finding someone to watch J, which I prefer not to do unless absolutely necessary, or finding a vacation that can both accommodate his physical needs and provide him a positive experience. Again, really dumb for me to feel that way, but that’s my “truth” for now.
I shared this with Mike and he sent me to my room with a writing assignment of sorts. I had 20 minutes to hand write a list of all the people and things I am grateful for and why – and I can’t repeat any of the “why’s.” I was starting with a baseline of 100 spankings which would be delivered by hand and with “various” force, per Mike. (Hand spankings are my favorite!). He would then take off one spanking for each item I was grateful for.
At first I thought, no problem, that’s just 5 things per minute. I would be able to do that and not get spanked. It was way harder than I thought. The list of people and things were easy, but the “why” part was hard, especially as the list grew and I couldn’t repeat my reasons why. After whipping (no pun intended) through about 15 in no time, I started to take longer and longer. Penmanship always counts on writing punishments, so if I don’t write very neatly it doesn’t get counted. Plus, I didn’t have access to a thesaurus!
I got to 48, which I was very proud of. Mike took off three because of sloppy writing, thus, I was left with 65 spankings. I went over his knee and with Donna watching he delivered the 65. At around 20-25 it began to sting, and starting around 40 it was beginning to be unbearable and I was flinging my body around quite a bit. I actually like it when Mike holds me tightly and wraps his legs around mine to keep me from wriggling. Then with about 10 to go he ramped up the force and finished with very hard ones. My ass was very red.
And that was that. Mike said he had some variations of this in mind for future “jealousy” punishments, perhaps with different writing topics and different spanking implements. Is it right for me to admit I kinda’ am looking forward to it?