Tag Archives: emotions

175. Bundle of Nerves

175

I am a bundle of nerves.  I’ve been very emotional the last few days and quick to tears.  It’s a good cry, but represents the deep and conflicting emotions I am feeling.

The best analogy I can think of is the feeling I had when I graduated high school.  I feel a high degree of eagerness, offset by the same high degree of apprehension.  Further, I feel a great deal of happiness, offset by a great deal of sadness.  In graduating high school I was eager to get my life moving forward, but it was also apprehensive over what was next.  I also had a great deal of happiness in achieving this milestone and going on to college, but also sadness in knowing I’ll never have all of what and who I left behind.

It all hit me out of the blue.  I was practicing my new Mantra’s and pretty much had them memorized and I wanted to practice in front of Mike for the first time.  I went through the Morning Mantra and got through it fine, but as soon as I was done, I started crying.  Not just a sniffle and tear, but a full on cry.

The words were just so profound and powerful.  I felt this cascade of positive feelings that were warm, loving, safe, secure.  Feelings I felt before, but never with such intensity.   And there was this cascade of more solemn feelings such as the apprehension and sadness.

The sadness was in part for saying “good bye” to my former self.  Not in a “oh, I can’t let you go” type sadness, but more like that high school graduation sadness of saying goodbye to friends you won’t see anymore.  You know you really can see them again if you want to, but you also know that you really don’t want to.  Make sense?   

It may help to break down each feeling.  Even if not interesting to you, it will help me. 

Eager:  I feel a deep longing and a huge sense of dedication.  I feel there is this part of me that I was never sure what it was or if it even existed, only that I’ve been searching for it a very long time.  Now, there it is, right in front of me.  I am fulfilled by it’s presence and eager to embrace it.   As much as I may try to reign in my expectations, they can not be corralled and they run wild. 

Apprehension:  I feel an uneasiness fueled by uncertainty and by the enormity of my eagerness.  The higher my expectations, the further there is to fall if those expectations were unrealistic.  I so much want to be the submissive I have agreed to be and I know over time I will master my new Duties and Obligations, but what of the meantime?  It’s reasonable to expect that as I learn, I’ll fail at times.  I’ve understood that and reconciled that fact many times before.  But this time?  Right now, the thought of disappointing Mike and myself is just too much to even think about.   

Happiness:  I feel happiness on many levels.  From the joy I get in serving Mike, to the profound pleasure I get in deeply submitting to him.  That pleasure is so great that literally I am on the edge of orgasm most of the day.  I had to ask Mike for permission to masturbate today and luckily he said yes.  It took me about five minutes.  He talked to me afterwards and asked me about it and I said I was still turned on.  He allowed me to masturbate one more time and said that would be it for a few days.   I enjoyed what was again about another five minutes, maybe seven.  Suffice to say, I am very turned on right now.   

Sadness: This is a bit harder for me to fully connect with.  It sounds odd and illogical, as emotions often are, but I feel sad for not recognizing sooner the fulfillment our dynamic gives me.  I can rationalize that I wasn’t ready for any version of DD until we actually adopted it.  But it still makes me sad that I wasn’t ready for it sooner.  Sad that Mike had to live with and experience the sub-optimal Jennifer for so many years.  And to be honest, there is also a tinge of sadness for what I am leaving behind regarding many controls of my day to day living.  As a former control freak…ahem, is there really such a thing?  I think once a control freak, always a control freak    Okay, as a RECOVERING control freak who has learned to find pleasure in not having control, there is still a part of me that mourns the loss of control.  Even though I love my submission more than I love any control, that need for control is rooted in my upbringing and what I interpreted my mom to mean by “love life, every moment, every day.” 

FEMINISM REVISITED
I wrote about this many times so no need to “go there” again (Most notably in Post 120).  Suffice to say, I still consider myself a feminist.   The difference is that I no longer believe in the precept of equality that pre-DD Jenny had. Pre-DD Jenny would advocate that women needed to assert and claim their equality else they would never achieve it.  I now believe our equality is about choice, and we can choose to assert and claim it, or not.   

Equality is not about sameness.  Mike and I are not the same.  But we are equal in so much as 1 plus 1 equals 2 (or more precisely, Mike + Jen = 1).    We can not be one without the other and we are  equal in what makes us one.

Equality is about having access to the same opportunities, whether or not I choose to claim that opportunity.  If a woman wants the opportunity to lead, inside the home or out, so be it.  If a woman wants the opportunity to be submissive, so be it.  If a woman wants something in-between, so be it.  You just need surround yourself with those that allow you to be you.  I have chosen to be submissive to Mike, and am fortunate that he has accepted me as his submissive, just as he accepted me when I was anything but submissive.  Okay, I guess I “went there” again.  Can’t help it.

Enough of this.  Say, want to hear about a spanking?  Maybe next time.  It was (or at least should be) the last spanking under our 2.0 Contract.   We are doing our Signing Ceremony tonight, so technically the new terms are not yet in place.   As long as I behave from now until then, the spanking I am thinking of sharing would be the last under our prior contract. 

NEXT:  176.  Thirty-Seven Hours

 

 

 

95. Much ado about…spanking!

embellish

You’ll understand the image I chose when you read the post.  It seemed to fit, except for one part of the quote.  If there are any theorists of written discourse among you, perhaps you could enlighten me as to what Blair meant by “masculine.”  I digress.

Hankerin’ for a Spankin’
With a lot of our attention (and my posts) on Kayla lately, it dawned on me that I haven’t been spanked in a while.  I’d like to chalk it up to my impeccable ability to achieve all that I commit to.   I’d like to chalk it up to that, but I can’t.  Frankly, it’s been a combination of just being in a good groove and a bit of latitude by Mike.

Overall on a strictness scale I’d say Mike had been an 8-9 for some time now as I urged and encouraged him to be strict as I was seeking greater submission.  However recently I’d put his strictness at about a 6.  I am not stating this as a critique – it would be inappropriate for me to be scoring Sir on his choices of punishments.  I don’t make it a practice of keeping “score” as it is completely up to him.  I only share this as a way to convey to you, the reader, what I am feeling and experiencing regarding Sir’s strictness.  I felt it necessary to clarify that in light of what this post is going to address.

I really enjoy my submissiveness and have grown to find a lot of satisfaction in structure and expectations, including being highly accountable to that structure in the form of punishments.  I’ve evolved from just living a lifestyle of Domestic Discipline to living the lifestyle of a submissive.   I have even wondered if I should change the name of my blog to reflect more about my life as a submissive vs DD?    I digress again.

I spoke with Mike and he agreed he has been a bit lax and said he would remedy that.  The reason for this post is to share a recent event where Mike took my request for greater strictness and applied it in an unexpected way.  The result was a spanking and as part of the punishment he wanted me to post about it.  Thus, the reason for this post.

I’ve been untruthful in my posts!
I’ve been untruthful!?!   Okay, those are Mike’s words, at least how I heard them.  In my words I sometimes simply “reorganize the facts” so as to more effectively convey what happened.

Here’s what happened.
Mike doesn’t regularly read my blog but will sit down and catch up in one reading. He recently did this and he made an observation.

What I heard Mike say was, “You’ve been untruthful in your posts!”  This assertion really hurt me and my defenses immediately went on high alert.  Pre-DD such an accusation would have certainly caused a big argument.  While I didn’t yell or use profanity, I still lost it, at least on the scale that my DD rules would call “losing it.”  Part of my response was, in a not so nice tone, “You’re crazy and you are wrong.  I strive to be truthful at all times, including my blog.  Name one thing that was not factual?”

Mike responded, “Whoa, watch the anger and sass!”

“Well SIR, if you dare to question my honesty you are going to get some sass.  I am just defending what I believe to be true and am offended you think I’ve been untruthful.”

“Oh,” said Mike, “how dare I?  So, I can’t calmly question you without you being offended?  I didn’t question this in an accusatory way.  I simply said I found that some of your posts embellished or told the story in a way that was different from how it occurred.   We can have a calm discussion about it so I can better understand why, or you can argue.  You chose that latter.”

Yes, he didn’t actually use the words, “You’ve been untruthful in your posts.” However, that is how I interpreted his words and thus reacted defensively.   I apologized to him for overreacting  and again said that such an accusation is so abhorrent to me that I couldn’t control my reaction.   Mike said he would address this lack of control soon enough, but wanted to have a discussion about the blog first.

Mike went on to point out some various parts of different posts that were not “entirely accurate.”  The specifics examples he gave aren’t important, but, yes, he was correct. Some of the things I post are not entirely accurate.

What?  Untrue you say?
Yes, some events as I portrayed them were not precisely as they occurred – nor will they be in the future.  I write to portray what happened as succinctly as possible – and if you read my posts, I probably am not as succinct as I could be.  So here is my confession to you:

  • Yes, I admit I don’t always recall the words verbatim.  I do recall the impact of what was said, so I may choose words to more succinctly and accurately describe that impact.
  • Yes I choose to omit parts of the exchange that I feel are not relevant to the event, emotion, or revelation that I wanted to share.
  • Yes, I sometimes even change the order of events because it makes it more coherent for you, the reader.
  • Yes, sometimes I add some of the “unspoken” things that I know were intended, otherwise, what I write could be confusing. There are times something gets said that is in reference to an earlier exchange.  It is entirely unnecessary for me to share the entire earlier exchange just to give the reader the context for that reference.  Instead, I’ll find a way to give that context within the dialogue I choose to write.  It isn’t intended to mislead.  It more effectively communicates my experience and it is my experience that I am wanting to share.  Not a verbatim recitation of every second of a given experience.
  • Yes, sometimes when I or someone speaks they may not articulate the full meaning in a given statement and I may rewrite that statement so that you can better understand the impact of what they said or did.

There is some artistic license that is necessary when sharing any story – and, this blog is about my perception of the world around me.  Our perceptions will naturally filter certain elements of “the truth.”  Two people can see, hear, or feel the same event differently.  That doesn’t make them untruthful when they recount the event.  Everything I state is truthful in that it reflects my reality.   I believe as long as I am accurately describing the intent, emotions, reactions, or impact of a situation, I am being authentic, if not truthful.   Come on, do I really remember every strike of the paddle, ever thrust of the penis?  No, but  I can convey those emotions in a way that allows you to better feel them as I did.

Much ado about nothing.
And what was Mike’s reaction after I was able to calmly explain myself in the manner I just explained it to you?

“Oh, okay.  That makes sense.”

Doh!   It was all much ado about nothing.  Unfortunately, because I couldn’t control my temper and reacted the way I did, I still got a spanking.  I accept that.  One of my mantras is to seek to understand before being understood.  If I would have simply taken the time to understand where Mike was coming from, I could have then given my explanation and this would have been an uneventful and soon forgotten conversation.  Instead, it resulted in too many to count with the hairbrush!   Ouchy!  But delightfully so.  It had been too long between spankings!

At least it gave me something to post about other than Kayla!  My plan was to share the events of her first spanking – it is quite a story that needs no embellishing!   Perhaps next time.

NEXT:  96.  Kayla’s first. . . 

72. Swinging Solo

swing

I tend to write things about myself that surprise me – things that are contrary to my “historical” self.   It becomes another way of re-experiencing these new and exciting thoughts, sensations, and emotions. They are interesting and novel to me, and have changed so much about my life for the better, that I feel compelled to share those things.

Ultimately it paints a picture of me that is incomplete, as it limits what you know about me. The things in my life that I perceive as mundane and usual just don’t come to mind when I am thinking about what to write – even if those would be considered extraordinary and unusual to others. I guess to be a better blogger I need to think more about others perspectives than just my own, else I am going to run out of things to write about, because as I stated before, Domestic Discipline and our Dom/sub dynamic is becoming routine.

Take my solo adventure with sex with John and Donna. I glossed over it in my post about My Funk. I was more intrigued with my emotions and actions regarding My Funk, than I was with the fact that, oh by the way,  I had sex with John and Donna without Mike being around. I am more surprised by the fact I didn’t feel compelled to immediately share that story, than I am about the story itself.   Anyway, that’s me. I suppose for you, you want to read about what happened.   Well, okay then.

Mike went out of town on business. Typically his travels put him out during the week and he is back before the end of the week, but on this particular trip he was not returning until Saturday afternoon – thus I had a Friday evening to myself. Mike and I talked in advance and agreed I could go over to John and Donna’s without him and was free to have sex. Mike did put one condition on it. He said I had to submit to John, call him Sir, and not refuse anything he and Donna wanted to do – the only caveat being the hard limits that Mike and I share would still apply.  Although it didn’t take reciting our contract to influence me, just note our Sexual Obedience Clause in the contract says Mike may have any sexual act performed by or upon me and I cannot refuse.

I was game. It actually excited me, not to submit to John, but because my submission to John was Mike’s will, and thus, part of my submission to Mike. It also put in the mindset of playing a role. I was Mike’s submissive, there to obey John because Mike decreed it.   Make sense? Maybe not, but it did to me.

I never know how explicit I should get. Yes, John and I had sex, Donna and I had sex, the three of us had sex. Usual threesome positions, occasional two-some positions.

From an emotional perspective.   I had three orgasms before I returned home so obviously I felt good emotionally — but, I did feel different not having Mike there. I can’t really describe it. Not a bad feeling, not an extra good feeling…just different. Almost like I didn’t know what to do. I think that is it. I was a bit hesitant and unsure, which I hadn’t felt before regarding sex with them when Mike was around. In some ways it was good that I was in a submissive mindset, because I wasn’t very capable of anything other than following their lead.   I did think of Mike quite a bit, from the “I wish you were here” perspective. But not with any sadness or longing. Just that any time I am enjoying myself away from him I get that twinge of “I wish you were here” regarding thinking of Mike.

Oh, there was one other moment that felt a bit odd. There was a moment when Donna left the room. It was just John and I. Another feeling I can’t quite describe. It still felt good, but it felt “diminished.”  Part of the fun was sharing the fun with Mike, and of course, he wasn’t there. Well part of the fun is sharing the fun with Donna, and now she stepped away.   It still felt good and all, but just less fun and my mind lost focus thinking, “What is Donna doing? When will she return?”  She returned within just a few minutes and that was that.  Okay, so emotionally, I think I’ve covered all the different emotional feelings I had.

Now – physical feelings!   Again, I had three orgasms before I returned home, so clearly it was hitting all the right spots physically.  I mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM oriented than Mike and I. At one point John got out a crop that had this thin extra end to it. In looking online afterward, I think it was a Flicker Whip? He had Donna and I lay next to each other, first on our stomachs, then on our backs, and he struck us with it. He went way lighter on me.   It has a pretty sharp sting to it, and tickles if he just dragged it across my skin. It didn’t hurt much and as expected, also felt good at times.   John went easy on me, but did flog (I call it more a flogging than a whipping) just about my entire body from the neck down. At no time did I get close to needing my safe word, and a few times I even let out a nice pleasurable groan to entice him to hit a little harder. All in all it was very nice.

When Mike got back we didn’t talk about it much. That night he did ask me how it went, how I felt, was I comfortable, did I enjoy myself, stuff like that. I shared with him the stuff I put here in the blog, with perhaps some more detail, (okay, a lot more detail) and that was that. But when I shared the detail, it was all very playful and erotic. It served as great verbal foreplay for his “welcome home” sex with me!

And, soon we get to return the “favor” but even more so. John is going out of the country on business and will be gone three weeks.   Our plan is to have Donna actually spend several nights with us. But that’s just another usual and mundane part of TTWD, so you won’t want to hear about that!  🙂

NEXT: 73. Pube Shaving Party

42. Asking for a Spanking

Note: if you aren’t familiar with my vocabulary, see my Contract regarding “Reward,” Commitments, Transgressions, etc.

I have been feeling very restless. Other than my maintenance spankings on Sunday, yesterday marked one week since my last Reward. Partly because I’ve been good with meeting the Commitments I have made, but also partly due to both Mike and I being exhausted.

Our youngest was injured (both wrists and an ankle) from a bad fall. I mentioned before that he has special needs and as part of that, he also makes a terrible “patient.” Emotionally he doesn’t do well when he is hurt, and his needs (and demands) which are already high, go off the scale. All to say that my days have been exhausting, and I look to Mike to provide respite in the evenings, which means he too is exhausted. There are the physical demands of lifting my son, but the emotional demands are equally draining . . . no, they are actually more draining.

We have already been a bit off our “DD-game” with our youngest out of school and our middle child home for part of the summer. Now we have been way off. Mike even offered to skip our Maintenance Session last Sunday, but I asked that we keep it. We’ve never missed one and I didn’t want it to become a habit, plus I wanted the spanking that came with it. But it wasn’t enough.

All of this at a time when our “goodies” have started to arrive. I am anxious to share what I bought, but that will have to be for another post. Actually, I am more anxious to USE what I bought, but there hasn’t been the right time or right mood to break out the new toys.

The thing I wanted to share on this post is that am feeling desperate for a spanking. There are times I have looked forward to a spanking, and times I craved a deep submission, but this feeling is different. I am specifically craving a hard spanking. I NEED THE RELEASE. Our son is doing better the last day or two and my hope is we finally get him to bed at a decent time tonight. Our middle child hasn’t returned back to school but he is staying the night with a friend, so tonight should be a great night for spanking.  I’ve never just asked Mike to spank me for no other reason than I just want one.   Funny, but given all the wild things we’ve done, I feel a bit embarrassed to just ask for a spanking.

I guess I could do the “brat” thing, which I’ve never done before, just to make the spanking seem “legit,” but that seems disingenuous. Hummmm . . . but by being disingenuous, I will have Transgressed, thus, another spanking!   Maybe there is something to that approach!

Nah, honesty is the best policy. I’ll just ask Mike to give me a spanking. I hope he agrees.

THE ABOVE WAS WRITTEN YESTERDAY.

Here’s the update. I asked Mike for a spanking last night and he agreed to give me one. Yea!!

He had me lay face down on the bed and he said he wouldn’t tell me what he was using, but with the first strike I knew it was that leather paddle that I dislike – however, it still felt good. He probably did about 12 very firm ones and stopped. He stopped because I started to cry. Very odd. I haven’t cried over a spanking in a very long time. I do get teary eyed, but this was a full on cry. It felt good to just release all the built up emotions of the last five days. Mike asked if he should stop, but I asked him to continue as these were good tears, but I asked him if I could get over his knee and be spanked by hand. He agreed and gave me perhaps 20 or 25 by hand. At one point I even asked him to do it harder. I cried some more.

It still seems odd to me. I had never asked for a spanking, let alone directed the specifics of a spanking such as asking for OTK or for him to do it harder. I also hadn’t cried like that in a long time and I never cried for the reasons I think I was crying. It is clear to me that it was simply a release of negative energy.  All the frustration I felt for the situation and the sadness I felt for my son rushed out of me and was replaced by good vibes. Okay, make that good endorphins!

Whatever it is, I loved it, and felt energized. I slept very well last night and had a lot of energy today. Plus our son had a great day (which I think was aided by my upbeat mood). Thank you DD!

Next: 43. XXX-mas Shopping Complete.