Tag Archives: emotions

95. Much ado about…spanking!

embellish

You’ll understand the image I chose when you read the post.  It seemed to fit, except for one part of the quote.  If there are any theorists of written discourse among you, perhaps you could enlighten me as to what Blair meant by “masculine.”  I digress.

Hankerin’ for a Spankin’
With a lot of our attention (and my posts) on Kayla lately, it dawned on me that I haven’t been spanked in a while.  I’d like to chalk it up to my impeccable ability to achieve all that I commit to.   I’d like to chalk it up to that, but I can’t.  Frankly, it’s been a combination of just being in a good groove and a bit of latitude by Mike.

Overall on a strictness scale I’d say Mike had been an 8-9 for some time now as I urged and encouraged him to be strict as I was seeking greater submission.  However recently I’d put his strictness at about a 6.  I am not stating this as a critique – it would be inappropriate for me to be scoring Sir on his choices of punishments.  I don’t make it a practice of keeping “score” as it is completely up to him.  I only share this as a way to convey to you, the reader, what I am feeling and experiencing regarding Sir’s strictness.  I felt it necessary to clarify that in light of what this post is going to address.

I really enjoy my submissiveness and have grown to find a lot of satisfaction in structure and expectations, including being highly accountable to that structure in the form of punishments.  I’ve evolved from just living a lifestyle of Domestic Discipline to living the lifestyle of a submissive.   I have even wondered if I should change the name of my blog to reflect more about my life as a submissive vs DD?    I digress again.

I spoke with Mike and he agreed he has been a bit lax and said he would remedy that.  The reason for this post is to share a recent event where Mike took my request for greater strictness and applied it in an unexpected way.  The result was a spanking and as part of the punishment he wanted me to post about it.  Thus, the reason for this post.

I’ve been untruthful in my posts!
I’ve been untruthful!?!   Okay, those are Mike’s words, at least how I heard them.  In my words I sometimes simply “reorganize the facts” so as to more effectively convey what happened.

Here’s what happened.
Mike doesn’t regularly read my blog but will sit down and catch up in one reading. He recently did this and he made an observation.

What I heard Mike say was, “You’ve been untruthful in your posts!”  This assertion really hurt me and my defenses immediately went on high alert.  Pre-DD such an accusation would have certainly caused a big argument.  While I didn’t yell or use profanity, I still lost it, at least on the scale that my DD rules would call “losing it.”  Part of my response was, in a not so nice tone, “You’re crazy and you are wrong.  I strive to be truthful at all times, including my blog.  Name one thing that was not factual?”

Mike responded, “Whoa, watch the anger and sass!”

“Well SIR, if you dare to question my honesty you are going to get some sass.  I am just defending what I believe to be true and am offended you think I’ve been untruthful.”

“Oh,” said Mike, “how dare I?  So, I can’t calmly question you without you being offended?  I didn’t question this in an accusatory way.  I simply said I found that some of your posts embellished or told the story in a way that was different from how it occurred.   We can have a calm discussion about it so I can better understand why, or you can argue.  You chose that latter.”

Yes, he didn’t actually use the words, “You’ve been untruthful in your posts.” However, that is how I interpreted his words and thus reacted defensively.   I apologized to him for overreacting  and again said that such an accusation is so abhorrent to me that I couldn’t control my reaction.   Mike said he would address this lack of control soon enough, but wanted to have a discussion about the blog first.

Mike went on to point out some various parts of different posts that were not “entirely accurate.”  The specifics examples he gave aren’t important, but, yes, he was correct. Some of the things I post are not entirely accurate.

What?  Untrue you say?
Yes, some events as I portrayed them were not precisely as they occurred – nor will they be in the future.  I write to portray what happened as succinctly as possible – and if you read my posts, I probably am not as succinct as I could be.  So here is my confession to you:

  • Yes, I admit I don’t always recall the words verbatim.  I do recall the impact of what was said, so I may choose words to more succinctly and accurately describe that impact.
  • Yes I choose to omit parts of the exchange that I feel are not relevant to the event, emotion, or revelation that I wanted to share.
  • Yes, I sometimes even change the order of events because it makes it more coherent for you, the reader.
  • Yes, sometimes I add some of the “unspoken” things that I know were intended, otherwise, what I write could be confusing. There are times something gets said that is in reference to an earlier exchange.  It is entirely unnecessary for me to share the entire earlier exchange just to give the reader the context for that reference.  Instead, I’ll find a way to give that context within the dialogue I choose to write.  It isn’t intended to mislead.  It more effectively communicates my experience and it is my experience that I am wanting to share.  Not a verbatim recitation of every second of a given experience.
  • Yes, sometimes when I or someone speaks they may not articulate the full meaning in a given statement and I may rewrite that statement so that you can better understand the impact of what they said or did.

There is some artistic license that is necessary when sharing any story – and, this blog is about my perception of the world around me.  Our perceptions will naturally filter certain elements of “the truth.”  Two people can see, hear, or feel the same event differently.  That doesn’t make them untruthful when they recount the event.  Everything I state is truthful in that it reflects my reality.   I believe as long as I am accurately describing the intent, emotions, reactions, or impact of a situation, I am being authentic, if not truthful.   Come on, do I really remember every strike of the paddle, ever thrust of the penis?  No, but  I can convey those emotions in a way that allows you to better feel them as I did.

Much ado about nothing.
And what was Mike’s reaction after I was able to calmly explain myself in the manner I just explained it to you?

“Oh, okay.  That makes sense.”

Doh!   It was all much ado about nothing.  Unfortunately, because I couldn’t control my temper and reacted the way I did, I still got a spanking.  I accept that.  One of my mantras is to seek to understand before being understood.  If I would have simply taken the time to understand where Mike was coming from, I could have then given my explanation and this would have been an uneventful and soon forgotten conversation.  Instead, it resulted in too many to count with the hairbrush!   Ouchy!  But delightfully so.  It had been too long between spankings!

At least it gave me something to post about other than Kayla!  My plan was to share the events of her first spanking – it is quite a story that needs no embellishing!   Perhaps next time.

NEXT:  96.  Kayla’s first. . . 

93. Post Inspection. Defining Needs.

needshierarchy

MY THOUGHTS ON THE EVENTS
Regarding the events shared in my prior post, I was elated with the outcome of our visit with Kayla. I could not have wished for any better way to have handled the conversation than the way Mike handled it. I don’t have enough superlatives to do Mike justice, so will just leave it at that.

While the inspection was a complete ad-lib, Mike told me he was trying to come up with some way to have Kayla demonstrate some level of submissiveness during our visit. He couldn’t think of anything that would avoid pushing Kayla too far, too fast. The inspection idea just suddenly hit him as Kayla was pressing us for suggestions. He figured there was nothing to lose when he asked Kayla to undress. She could have said no, which would have been fine, and the conversation would have continued absent “the inspection.” But, since Kayla was open to it . . . well, you read what happened next.

HOW MUCH ABOUT KAYLA?
As Kayla becomes more important to my life it seems natural that I share more about her. I need to remain mindful that it is one thing to share some insights about an acquaintance within the context of my experience with them. It is another to delve into the highly personal details of so many aspects of their life and psyche.

She reads my blog and has encouraged me to share whatever I like. I think it allows her to vicariously get herself “out there.” I encouraged her to start her own blog as she loves to write. It’s been my experience thus far that people like YOU in the blogosphere are highly positive and supportive of one another, even when discussing a topic that is not akin to your personal taste. Maybe I’ve been fortunate? She seemed lukewarm to the idea. We’ll see.

Kayla stayed with us all day on Friday, having dinner with us and not leaving until the evening. Mike had us remain naked the entire time. Nothing sexual went on and she was never spanked. There were some opportunities where Mike could have given her one, or even just a play one, but Mike said he purposely wanted to avoid giving her one. He thinks that prolonging it as long as possible will build an anticipation within Kayla that will make it all the more positive and pleasurable for her.

CRYBABY
There was a point after lunch that Kayla stayed in the restroom quite a while. When she came out it is was clear she had been crying. She explained that nothing was wrong and that she cries a lot anytime she has been nervous or anxious for a period of time. “I can’t help it. I am a big crybaby. I am not sad, it just happens and I feel so much better when I am done. I had a lot of anxiety about this visit and I am anxious to move in here, not just because I want out from living with my mom, and not just because I love you all so much and feel so safe and happy when I am around you, but also because of this submission thing. It is all just overwhelming and exciting that I can’t wait.”

She went on to share that she rarely cries in the moment. She thinks she somehow trained herself to hold back in the moment, then burst out in tears when she is alone. She said sometimes these outbursts just happen out of nowhere, and other times she knows it is just there under the surface and she can hold it until she is ready to release it.   That got us talking about how she thinks she will take a punishment.

She said that she is crybaby when it comes to physical pain as well, but often in the same way as emotional stress. She recalled breaking her arm when she fell off a bike as a child and not crying much more than a whimper. Once they had gone to the hospital and she was home all comfy in bed, she cried as if she had just broken it.   It will be interesting to see how she reacts to a spanking.

KAYLAS DOCUMENT – WHAT SHE WANTS HELP WITH
She talked about the things she wants to emotionally improve about herself. She wants help in expressing her emotions in the moment. She knows she is calculating, even with her feelings, and she holds back a lot. She figures it can’t be healthy long term, and she believes it results in stunting her feelings…she misses out on feeling anything at times because she defers or defeats the emotion.

Not sure exactly how we best deal with that, other than encourage her to express herself in the moment. I can tell this will be easier said than done as it will take really challenging her on what she is truly feeling. I already know she has a tendency of identifying an emotion that is clearly just the veneer of what she is truly feeling. As I said before, any emotions come with an entourage of associates.

She also wants help in not drinking. Her mom drinks too much and Kayla has slowly seen a tendency towards drinking too much in herself.   What was just a social thing, rarely drinking to excess, has turned into more occasions of excess. She said the real awakening for her was when she drank alone for the first time, just because she wanted it. She said this scared her and she wants to stop now before “she turns into her mother.”

Lastly, the most surprising thing she asked for help in is in being more empathetic.
She shared that in some ways she feels her compassion is an act. In her mind, it’s brought about as an act of contrition to balance out the negative things she feels about herself. She said that her desire to help or to try to understand the pain of another does not come from love, but from self-pity.  She says there are times she feels she can’t relate at all to someone’s dilemma and feels like giving them a bop on the head and saying, “get it together.” She suppresses that urge and feigns compassion.   Then, although she did something kind for the person, she feels bad because her motivations were not pure.

I would have thought of her as one of the most compassionate people I know – no, let me rephrase that.  She is the most compassionate person I know, even if it comes from a not so loving place.  Not sure how we can help with this one.  Clearly this and all of her other issues she wants help with are tied to her self-esteem.

Does being submissive and being spanked help or hurt that? I came into DD from a foundation of self-assuredness. Kayla believes submission will help her. She approaches things like she would approach a math problem, you just have to solve it. She thinks the accountability and pure vulnerability will allow her to let go and feel in the moment. While I can relate to that, I just don’t know if it will do that for her. Several times we reminded her that there was no expectation that she do anything of this. She is free to live here and not be submissive. She is determined to give submission a try. She actually used the word “craves” when describing submission.

On the next post I’ll talk about the framework we collectively came up with regarding a D/s contract for Kayla. It is fairly consistent with the framework of my Contract.  She is writing it this week – and yes – it includes Kayla’s submission to me, at least to some extent. More on that on the next post.

NEXT: 94. Kayla’s Contract: Defining her Submission.

88. Something true

truth

Infection
My last post left off with my realization that I let jealously and resentment infect some of my interactions with Donna.  I must clarify that those feelings have nothing to do with our unique relationship/arrangements regarding sex and submission.  While those feelings are also at the heart of what I wrote about in Post 80 regarding Kayla – again, I now know that those feelings had nothing to do with the potential path we may go down regarding a deeper and more intimate relationship with her.

These negative feelings are all about my coming to terms with the needs of my son.  I will refer to him as J.  It sure is a lot easier to type “J” every time than saying, “my son,” “our son,” etc.

I’ve shared that J has special needs and likely will not be able to ever be independent.  As he is now 16, we are seeing some signs that he may be able to function in a group home type setting or with some level of autonomy.  My husband and I have talked about at some point perhaps moving and getting a large lot where we could have a second, smaller apartment-sized home on the property where he could live.

Source of my Infection
I discovered a feeling I never recognized or confronted before.  It has probably been there for a long time, but I pushed it down through various means.  Pre-DD is was kept at bay by trying to control and solve every problem of the world.   Now that I have given up being everyone’s problem solver, it took 17 months for this feeling to finally make itself known.  I have resentment over having a special needs child.   This is soooo hard for me to state.  I feel awful and sad for feeling that way.

The trigger that would project this feeling into my interactions with Donna or Kayla is that they are so “free”, and I am not.  Donna is an empty-nester, Kayla is just beginning her adult life.  While I can try to reconcile this by recognizing they both have their own shit to deal with, my shit is, well, shittier.  That’s a dumb way to think, but, well, that’s what I am thinking when the resentment builds.

I definitely don’t project that resentment on J.  He didn’t ask for or cause the issue and he deserves and gets nothing but unconditional and tremendous love from both Mike and me.  I don’t project this resentment on Mike, because he is in the same boat as me and does a great job of helping out with J.   I don’t project it on my sisters or other family members because I feel they have their own set of issues and challenges in life and they still find time to lend me their support and love regarding help with J. So, who does that leave as targets?  Ah – my friends and acquaintances.

Targets of my infection
My circle of close friends is  small.  There are many we socialize with – past and present co-workers of both Mike’s and of mine, old high school and college friends, etc.  But that is mostly casual socialization and not a deep and meaningful friendship.   Pretty much there are three people who I fully confide with that are outside my family.   There is Amy, which I talked about in post 62 and post 64.  She lives in another state.  While we remain close, it is more via email, FB, and the occasional phone call.  Not enough interaction to ever project resentment towards her.  So that leaves only Donna and Kayla.  Donna for sure, and only recently, Kayla.   Yep, they’ve become an easy target towards which I can project my resentment.

Thank you Domestic Discipline
It is totally unfair to them, I know, but it is the reality of it.  I have always been very introspective and always have sought to get to the bottom of my feelings.  However, pre-DD this would have taken longer to identify (actually, it would never have been identified) and once identified, I wouldn’t have shared it with anyone, even Mike.

I must credit DD with “forcing” me to share my feelings (let alone helping lead me to my catharsis per my prior post).    By sharing exactly what I was feeling with Mike, it allowed me to have an empathetic and supportive partner to help address this.  Further, my DD “gave me permission” to then share this with Donna and Kayla.   That sounds silly, because it was something we all have – ability to share our feelings.  But there are often hundreds of reasons we choose not to do so.  My DD basically says there are no reasons to do so and I must share, at least with Mike.  Once shared with him, I found it easy to share with others that I love or have a deep friendship with. Plus, Mike ordered it – although, I took it more as an encouragement, re, “You need to talk to Donna and Kayla about what you are feeling.”

As shared in Post 80, I was able to talk to Kayla at that time and admit I was feeling jealous and resentful.  However, only now, after feeling that way towards Donna, do I realize I had the cause of those feelings wrong.  In that post I attributed it to lack of control over our possible sexual relationship with Kayla.  Yes, I felt relieved to gain that control, but that was only a band-aide and not the cure for the resentment.   Just like pre-DD, “having control” helped bury the resentment, but the resentment was still there.  For years, having control of a situation was just a proxy that fooled myself into believing I was solving for my lack of control over J’s disability.

I like the saying that “emotion comes with an entourage of associates.”   I don’t know if that is a saying anyone else has said or if I created it.  I just know I picked it up at some point. What I mean is that emotions are complex and getting to the root cause can be a challenge.  Even when you think you’ve found it, you may be fooled by one of the “associates” who were disguised or hidden.  I guess that is what keeps psychologists in business.

Anyway, such was the situation with Kayla.  While there is no guarantee I finally got it right, I feel highly sure of myself that indeed the root cause of this is from my feelings about J’s disability.

I’ve now been able to confront this head on by having a conversation with both Donna and Kayla (separately) about my behavior towards them at times.  Just recognizing it and discussing it with those that it impacts does so much to start healing it – it’s amazing.

Something that is true doesn’t always require the truth
I feel foolish for feeling resentment about anything.  I have a wonderful life filled with opportunities and love – probably more than most people.  But, we crave what we crave, we love what we love, and we resent what we resent, whether or not those feelings make sense, because, well, feelings are not logical (just look at our presidential election – hee hee. . . or perhaps not so “hee hee”).

Feelings, while they are true, they don’t require the truth.  There can be unquestionable evidence that tells us we should feel a certain way, yet, those facts are dismissed or entirely missed due to painful feelings that distort our reasoning or simply due to cognitive dissonance. Thus, we continue to hang on to a “truth” that isn’t true (it’s like that with beliefs too).  If what I am stating is untrue, we would all feel the same way about things or believe the same things.  The fact that we do not tells us that logic and  what is “true” does not prevail.  Feelings and beliefs prevail.

That’s where I am right now.   I have lots of reasons (truths) to never feel resentful for my lot in life, yet at times, I let resentment enter.  Ideally I’ll reach a point where it is no longer present, but until then, it is no longer hidden from me.  I can recognize it and look it in the eye and do my best to subdue it.  And because I am able to share this with those that are impacted by it, and those people are loving and caring, they too can help me recognize and subdue it.

Just recognizing all this makes me feel 10 times better and feel more compassion, love, and gratitude for my life and those in my life. Resentment doesn’t stand a chance!

Okay, enough pouring out of my emotions.  Let’s talk about some spankings or some sizzling sexcapades with Donna, or what exactly is going on with us and Kayla!   Maybe next post.

89. Spank Jealousy Away

87. And there it was.

This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life.   Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.

I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.

DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month.  I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I.  Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close.  She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties.  She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.

While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me.  At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them.  While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it.  I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved.   Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain.  I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy.   In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.

Each session they focus on different parts of the body.  This month it was her breasts.  Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part.  She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.

MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment.  Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch.  I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.

When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like.  Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked.  I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.

The shock lasted only a few seconds.  My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful.  Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me.  I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John.   It also made me think, “I want that.”

I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session?   Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt!  I don’t know if that is really for me.  There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try

My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra.   There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged.  For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise.  I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment.  The goal has never been to inflict a given mark.  Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal.   What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise?   I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment.   It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.

However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration.  Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything.  Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries.   So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.

Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna.  Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind.  I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that.  I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.

Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today).   In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal.  It made me anxious as Sunday drew near.  Could I really take it?

MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it.  Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna.   He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed.  He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other.  It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain.   He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession.   He then said that was just a warm up.

With quite a bit of force he hit one breast.  I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan.  He then hit the other.  Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times.  I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!”  Our “yellow” safe word.

After I collected myself he resumed.  He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.”  My face buried deeper into the pillows.  He asked me if I needed to stop.  He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.

For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging.  It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.

I told him to continue.  He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast.  I was crying, it hurt like hell.

I asked him how much more.   He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through.  That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times.  I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more.  I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.

Mike started up again.  I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.

Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different.  The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed.  Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful.   I felt ridiculous.   Why did I ask for this?

AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates.  This allows it to hide more easily.   And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.

First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna.  Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna.  I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement.  First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.

I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously.  I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then.  I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word.  I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.

I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change.  I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was.  Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.

JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son.  I hate that about myself.  I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation.  But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day.  Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do.  Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change.  My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.

It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact.  I’ve never felt that before.  I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day.  However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.

Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away.   Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less.  Kayla and Donna are important to me.  Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son.   I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.

I feel stupid for even having to say that.  It is so contrary to how I normally think and function.  But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it.   I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view.   I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.

I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why.  !?!?!

Next: 88.  Something True.

86. Nature vs. Nurture? Finding my DD.

naturenurture

This post picks up where I left off on my prior post and I apologize in advance if I meander a bit in thought and revisit some topics from some of my initial posts.  I am just laying the emotional backdrop to an epiphany I had today that I will share on my next post.

Donna continues to stay with us until John returns on November 19.   In my last post I shared that Donna perceives the source of my submission as coming from a “bright” place in that my past lacked experiences with abuse, belittlement, neglect, etc.  I felt she was stereotyping and the comments I received seemed to agree. Submissives come from all walks of life with varied experiences!

The one common thread is simple – submissives get immense satisfaction from being submissive. The “why” will vary, but the end result is the same – it provides fulfillment in ways we haven’t found in other lifestyles. My About page highlights several of my posts about what I get from submission. My ongoing discussions with Donna have given me the opportunity to think more about why I get that fulfillment. Simply put, I have needs.

NEEDY 
I looked up the definition of “needy” and it is – destitute, indigent, deprived, disadvantaged. The definition seems to only address economic issues, not emotional issues.   Why is that? Because when it comes to emotions, we all have needs, therefore by default, we are all needy.   Satisfying our non-economic needs is a combination of cultural influences and our individual biology. The age-old combination of nurture and nature that influences everything about us.

NURTURE?
My embrace of DD certainly wasn’t from the “nurture” side of things because nothing in my upbringing supported a path to submissiveness. I know that there are some who had their submissiveness nurtured from an early age. This could be due to religion or other influences where submission was modeled by others around you and expected from you. That’s not me. While my dad was a misogynist, my mother instilled in me that I was free to live life as I see fit and didn’t need anyone (like a man), or anything (like a drug) to complete me. My family is full of strong females who modeled very non-submissive attitudes and behaviors for me.

My dad was present, but not active, in my life and that of my siblings. He went to our various school events, but never was as invested in what we were doing as my mom was.   In other words, he never asked us questions about what we were doing, what we liked, disliked, etc. It was more, “What time do you need me to be there?”

My parent’s relationship is/was odd. They were loving towards me and my siblings, but I simply describe their relationship with each other as amicable. I know my dad cheated on my mom and there was a time they even separated. While they reconciled, they kept separate bedrooms and to this day still maintain separate bedrooms. They act and behave more like best friends and roommates than husband and wife. Some of this may be because my mom didn’t conform to the submissiveness my dad desired from her. Oh, and for what it’s worth, I always related to my mom and her sense of self and self-empowerment and not my dad’s desire for a “barefoot and pregnant” (and quiet) housewife.

NATURE?
My body rewards me when I think of submission, let alone actually submit.   Whatever “pleasure” endorphins or neurochemicals the brain naturally produces all go into overdrive when I submit (or even just think about it). Simply put, these pleasure chemicals feel good!   My mom said I didn’t need any drugs in my life, and while I know she meant the illicit type, oh how wrong she was. Endorphins and the various natural neurochemicals our body produces are heaven!

Interesting, but I’ve read stuff that indicates some people get a release of these pleasure chemicals when they think of their religion. Brain scans of people who identify as highly religious show a lot of activity in their “pleasure centers” when they are asked to think about their religion. Religion is a form of submission. Interesting that the brain “rewards” some of us for submission.

Of course, the debate is, was there something in our nurturing that “trained” our brain as to what it deemed pleasurable, or were we hard-wired at birth?    Studies agree it isn’t one or the other, but a mix of both, and likely more nature versus nurture (at least from what I have read).

FINDING DD (Revisited)
I cover this in more detail in my Back Story and will summarize it here. I didn’t get into Domestic Discipline until I was 45 and married for 23 years.   I “had it together” during those 23 years.   Things pretty much had to be my way and Mike pretty much conceded.

I found myself seeking greater and greater control of everything. Part of this was to compensate for my son’s special needs. By controlling his environment to give him every possible opportunity to thrive in every moment of every day, I could at least yield some influence over a condition I couldn’t cure.   Mentally I dismissed every act of my control as an act of love for my son, no matter if it really related to his care or not.   In my mind, the more problems I could solve (control), and the more deeds I could do, the better my son would be. It didn’t matter if it was solving his problems, or my sister’s, or my nieces or nephews, friends and neighbors, Mike’s, my other kids, or Kayla’s. Their problems became my problems and I was going to help solve them.   Suffice to say, I burnt myself out.

OPEN TO ANY SOLUTION
My overload led me to seek a change in my life which to me, meant reading and researching to figure it out. I stumbled across Domestic Discipline. My first thought about DD was “that’s dumb, move on.”   However, I have this odd habit that the more negative my initial reaction is to something, the more I want to read about it.  I have found that I have learned so much by opening myself up to things that are contrary to my gut reaction.

I encourage everyone to fight through any initial gut reaction they have to a topic and instead say, “Okay, I’ll hear you out.” The trick then is to actually hear the message and not just go through the motions. It is hard, as you have to be humble and assume the best intentions from the contrary point of view. Easier said than done. If you don’t believe me, what’s your gut reaction when you hear something contrary to your beliefs about race, religion, or politics? How open are you to really listening to someone whose thoughts are different from yours?  It’s not easy and admittedly, I don’t always do it well.

I digress, but this “lesson” is worth sharing — Keeping your mind open and really hearing the other side is amazing in finding personal growth. There are times when I do this that I find reinforcement and support for my gut reaction – but there are more times where I at least shift my beliefs to something more moderate, as I find greater understanding regarding the motivations and desires of the “other side.”   And then there are the rare occasions where I completely change my point of view. DD was one such time.

I knew I was on to something after only about thirty minutes or so of reading about DD.  It just resonated with me and my mind was already “rewarding” me with those pleasure chemicals. I remember getting excited and my heart beating faster as I began to formulate how I could incorporate DD into my life. The rest of that journey is laid out in my other posts, basically from posts 1-12.

BRIGHT PATH?
All of what I stated above was a long way of simply saying that while Donna may feel my path to DD was “bright” compared to hers, mine still came about due to a void, a yearning, a missing piece from my life that only submission could fill for me. It also came from a point of just being exhausted trying to do it all.  I loved the thought of giving up my self-imposed responsibility to lead everything in exchange for a self-imposed responsibility to simply follow Mike.

I see the irony in that my DD is akin to what my mother rebelled against – but the BIG difference is that I chose this. It comes down to giving consent versus being controlled.   I think if I had married a domineering man, I too would have rebelled. He was not going to demand submission from me. If I were to give it, it would be because it was my gift. It was not because someone expected it from me.  In fact, I married a man who was willing to defer to me, and perhaps because he deferred too much (or I demanded too much), I reached a point where I was willing to give up all control and fully submit to him.

Not sure where I intended to go with this post, but I needed to get these feelings out. The discussions with Donna these last few weeks has been like a submissive-group therapy session that got me to reevaluate my reasons for choosing this and reinforcing my commitments.  Not that I had doubts, but it’s always a good thing to periodically review your motivations for getting into something and ensure the benefits are aligned with those motivations and that they still hold true for what you and your loved ones need today.

All this talk with Donna even helped lead to a moment of clarity that I didn’t see coming.  Let me just say that emotions often come with an entourage of associates, allowing their presence to go unnoticed as they influence you while hiding amongst the others.

More on that on the next post.

NEXT POST: 87.  AND THERE IT WAS

79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealously, Guilt

jealous

I am very anxious. I need to purge my emotions, so apologize in advance if this becomes a rant. I don’t think I am saying anything I haven’t shared with Mike and Kayla, but perhaps some new or more constructive ways to express my feelings will emerge.  This is a continuation of what I’ve shared in this post and this post, and in this post as well.  Sorry to have to share as the events unfold, but it sure is great therapy to write this.

This whole thing with Kayla has me all out of sorts and I can’t put my mind to just about anything for more than a few seconds without it drifting back to our situation with Kayla. I already talked about the risks that concern me, such as the increased need to practice safe sex, the implications of Kayla being someone who our son is close to, and my motherly instincts being more prevalent when I interact with Kayla and thus makes it harder for my mind to see her in a certain way. In addition, my concern that her neediness may cause problems.

What if we pursued something?
Putting everything aside that I previously stated, the other issues are that if we did pursue a sexual relationship, what exactly would that entail?   F*ck-buddies?  Would she partake as a submissive?  It sure seems to be leaning toward the latter…and submissive to just Mike, or perhaps to me as well?  What would that be like?   These are all questions I’ve posed and the three of us have discussed. And here is where we stand.

F-buddies?
I only use this term because Kayla had used it to describe her relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend. Kayla said that she does not want that for the three of us, that we mean so much more to her and that it is so much deeper than just a physical interaction. She talked of saying she would end the sex with her best friend if we all pursued a relationship. She even used the term, “I love you guys.”   And of course, we love her, she knows that, and we said so.   While that could be a good thing, to me, it is part of my struggle.   The situation could set her up for disappointment or hurt later on. I can only imagine what being “the third wheel” could be like and beyond disappointment and hurt, it could build resentment on her part.   Bottom line, it could turn our great relationship into an unhealthy one for her. That has implications for all of us.

And, just what kind of relationship would this be?   I guess it could be called poly, which I’ve never really considered. I have no qualms with that term, but, is that what this would be? Kayla uses the term “relationship” so there seems to be a certain level to commitment she is willing to make, but are we?

Her as a submissive?
When I think about this I actually feel two feelings that rarely surface in me. I feel a level of resentment with a dash of jealousy.   I am not a jealous person by nature, it is very un-me! I don’t like it. Here’s what’s going through my mind.

Waves of Resentment.

  • I work hard on my submissiveness, she may not take it as seriously as I do. She may not be committed to it as I am. She may look at it as simply a game.   I resent all of that.
  • What rules would she have? Same as me? Different? If different, are they less/more restrictive than mine? If she can do something without punishment but I can’t, well, that’s just messed up. Who does she think she is? I resent that.
  • Would she also be accountable to me? I like that, but we would have figure out how that works as ultimately I do want Mike to be the ultimate authority figure and I want to be fair with Kayla. However, I like the idea that there is something to remind Kayla that despite her participation, she is not my peer. If she thinks of me as a peer, I resent that!
  • Her level of commitment could never be consistent just due to lifestyle. She lives with her mom and goes to school. What, she comes over now and then when she chooses?   It makes it seem more like a game for her and not a lifestyle. Again, I take my commitment seriously and she will just be unable to do the same, even if she wanted to. I resent that!

Add in some Guilt.
Then I begin feeling guilty. Why wasn’t my first response to Kayla not one of compassion but instead a series of assessments as to her “fitness” to be with us?  See, the resentment is already manifesting itself in unhealthy ways as it poisons my empathy and compassion.

I shared just about everything I’ve written here with her, and of course, it did make her sad and she cried.  Not a full on cry, but teary eyed and emotional.  I know it wasn’t just in what I said, but in the manner in which I said it.  I know my tone was somewhat biting.  I apologized for my tone and tried to explain that it is not about a deficiency in her, it is about the realities of where she is at in life compared to ours and that despite our mutual love and respect, it just may be incompatible to the type of relationship we are considering.

All of my concerns are just as much about my own baggage and needs as it is about hers.   Ug, that sounded a bit like, “it’s not you, it’s me.”   But I want her to know I don’t see her as unworthy.

Dash of Insecurity?
I also have concerns about priorities. Will Kayla be a high enough priority for Mike and I that we do right by her, and will we be a high enough priority that she does right by us?  In other words, do we end up just considering each other as “available options” or is the relationship to be more meaningful than that. Not that whatever we have can’t be casual if that is what we decide, or that it can’t be more meaningful if that is what we decide, but each route has implications.

We all are works in progress to some degree, but Kayla, given her age and background is just more so.  I also am aware that whatever issues a person has they bring to any relationship. That’s a given and by itself not necessarily a problem.  But it can become one if that person is not willing to work on their own issues or allow help from their partners.   So far Kayla has impressed me with her own self-awareness of her needs, her strengths, and her weaknesses.  Including her willingness to seek advice and guidance and be open to constructive feedback.  That’s a plus, but apparently not enough to eliminate my concerns.

While I have been very impressed with Kayla’s reaction and responses, it has not lessened my anxiety about all these things. Yes, she has some needs, but don’t we all. She’s loving, caring, and self-aware, has some abandonment type issues with her parents but recognizes that and does not shy away from it. I can see that this could be fun and could be meaningful. But, my life is so good right now, and has already moved pretty fast in just the last 18 months. None of the positives I see with Kayla are enough to reduce my anxiety, resentment, and jealously, nor reduce my guilt for feeling anxious, resentment, and jealous.  And then we have the concerns I first expressed in my other posts.  Concerns about complicating my life and the fact Kayla is someone special to my son.

All these bad feelings.
 
Sum it all up and another significant roadblock is whether or not we could ever have an arrangement where I don’t feel these negative feelings.  I don’t want to feel these things but that doesn’t change the fact that right now I do.  I know these feeling would end up manifesting themselves in various unhealthy ways. Unhealthy for me, my relationship with Mike, and for Kayla.   If I can’t get past these feelings, we just can’t move forward.

Mike and Kayla both seem to be outpacing me on this issue. While they are not dismissive of my concerns, they feel more carefree about just diving in, living life, and what happens will happen. I have reiterated with Mike that I stand by my commitments to him and will abide by anything he decides.

Where we are today
Mike said we should having a “cooling off” period so we all can reflect and continue to discuss our feelings.  That makes me happy and does reduce my anxiety a bit.  Mike set a date of November 15, where he said no decisions should be made before then. We’ll reassess on that date and he may decide we continue to wait or not, assuming Kayla is aboard with what he decides – which apparently she is.

One question I posed to Kayla that she has not been able to fully articulate is how she sees this dynamic working in her mind. What does she see as the ideal situation for her?   She has shared bits and pieces but hasn’t thought it through enough, so I am hopeful some additional time will allow her to understand and share her own needs and expectations better.   I hope that for myself as well.

Next:  80.  Breakthrough.  What a Week!

72. Swinging Solo

swing

I tend to write things about myself that surprise me – things that are contrary to my “historical” self.   It becomes another way of re-experiencing these new and exciting thoughts, sensations, and emotions. They are interesting and novel to me, and have changed so much about my life for the better, that I feel compelled to share those things.

Ultimately it paints a picture of me that is incomplete, as it limits what you know about me. The things in my life that I perceive as mundane and usual just don’t come to mind when I am thinking about what to write – even if those would be considered extraordinary and unusual to others. I guess to be a better blogger I need to think more about others perspectives than just my own, else I am going to run out of things to write about, because as I stated before, Domestic Discipline and our Dom/sub dynamic is becoming routine.

Take my solo adventure with sex with John and Donna. I glossed over it in my post about My Funk. I was more intrigued with my emotions and actions regarding My Funk, than I was with the fact that, oh by the way,  I had sex with John and Donna without Mike being around. I am more surprised by the fact I didn’t feel compelled to immediately share that story, than I am about the story itself.   Anyway, that’s me. I suppose for you, you want to read about what happened.   Well, okay then.

Mike went out of town on business. Typically his travels put him out during the week and he is back before the end of the week, but on this particular trip he was not returning until Saturday afternoon – thus I had a Friday evening to myself. Mike and I talked in advance and agreed I could go over to John and Donna’s without him and was free to have sex. Mike did put one condition on it. He said I had to submit to John, call him Sir, and not refuse anything he and Donna wanted to do – the only caveat being the hard limits that Mike and I share would still apply.  Although it didn’t take reciting our contract to influence me, just note our Sexual Obedience Clause in the contract says Mike may have any sexual act performed by or upon me and I cannot refuse.

I was game. It actually excited me, not to submit to John, but because my submission to John was Mike’s will, and thus, part of my submission to Mike. It also put in the mindset of playing a role. I was Mike’s submissive, there to obey John because Mike decreed it.   Make sense? Maybe not, but it did to me.

I never know how explicit I should get. Yes, John and I had sex, Donna and I had sex, the three of us had sex. Usual threesome positions, occasional two-some positions.

From an emotional perspective.   I had three orgasms before I returned home so obviously I felt good emotionally — but, I did feel different not having Mike there. I can’t really describe it. Not a bad feeling, not an extra good feeling…just different. Almost like I didn’t know what to do. I think that is it. I was a bit hesitant and unsure, which I hadn’t felt before regarding sex with them when Mike was around. In some ways it was good that I was in a submissive mindset, because I wasn’t very capable of anything other than following their lead.   I did think of Mike quite a bit, from the “I wish you were here” perspective. But not with any sadness or longing. Just that any time I am enjoying myself away from him I get that twinge of “I wish you were here” regarding thinking of Mike.

Oh, there was one other moment that felt a bit odd. There was a moment when Donna left the room. It was just John and I. Another feeling I can’t quite describe. It still felt good, but it felt “diminished.”  Part of the fun was sharing the fun with Mike, and of course, he wasn’t there. Well part of the fun is sharing the fun with Donna, and now she stepped away.   It still felt good and all, but just less fun and my mind lost focus thinking, “What is Donna doing? When will she return?”  She returned within just a few minutes and that was that.  Okay, so emotionally, I think I’ve covered all the different emotional feelings I had.

Now – physical feelings!   Again, I had three orgasms before I returned home, so clearly it was hitting all the right spots physically.  I mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM oriented than Mike and I. At one point John got out a crop that had this thin extra end to it. In looking online afterward, I think it was a Flicker Whip? He had Donna and I lay next to each other, first on our stomachs, then on our backs, and he struck us with it. He went way lighter on me.   It has a pretty sharp sting to it, and tickles if he just dragged it across my skin. It didn’t hurt much and as expected, also felt good at times.   John went easy on me, but did flog (I call it more a flogging than a whipping) just about my entire body from the neck down. At no time did I get close to needing my safe word, and a few times I even let out a nice pleasurable groan to entice him to hit a little harder. All in all it was very nice.

When Mike got back we didn’t talk about it much. That night he did ask me how it went, how I felt, was I comfortable, did I enjoy myself, stuff like that. I shared with him the stuff I put here in the blog, with perhaps some more detail, (okay, a lot more detail) and that was that. But when I shared the detail, it was all very playful and erotic. It served as great verbal foreplay for his “welcome home” sex with me!

And, soon we get to return the “favor” but even more so. John is going out of the country on business and will be gone three weeks.   Our plan is to have Donna actually spend several nights with us. But that’s just another usual and mundane part of TTWD, so you won’t want to hear about that!  🙂

NEXT: 73. Pube Shaving Party