Tag Archives: dominant husband

265. Joy without submission?

205

The post before last I posed a question about why Mike was more in tuned than I was regarding our little bit of “drifting” from our regular DD routines.   I ask it because I find it curious.  I am not troubled by it.  In fact, I think the fact Mike noticed it before me is a milestone in our DD.  Up until then, I was the one either asking for more discipline or lamenting over something feeling “off.”   It’s great that Mike noticed it and was willing to say something – albeit a bit vaguely.

It’s been awhile since I’ve taken a philosophical self-analyzing trip into my DD journey.  So now is a good time to do that.   

THEN WHY SO JOYFUL?
It was odd that Mike noticed it first, but it was more odd that I wasn’t anywhere near sensing it.  My level of fulfillment and joy over the last several months has been sky high!  Does that mean I would prefer a softening of our DD and that I am not getting as much joy from it as I once was?  

Oh, and before I answer that.  I would not be bothered by either a yes or no answer.  Certainly, a “yes” would pose a challenge in that we would have to work to reconcile the different needs, but I am confident we could do so if needed.  It isn’t realistic to assume needs will never change, and we are committed to finding equitable solutions to any differences we face, kink or otherwise.   

HOWEVER, my needs haven’t changed, nor has Mike’s.  So, YES, I still want the level of D/s we attained before we drifted a bit.  Perhaps I am not yearning as much for it, but I not only enjoy it, I know I need it – emotionally and as part of being the wife, mother, and person that I want to be.   It is actually a good thing that I can find contentment in other aspects of my life.  It isn’t either I have D/s or I shrivel up and die.

Fulfillment has many facets, and being submissive is an important one, but not the only one.  I am sure there are times where I need to be more in my submissive headspace than other times.  Just like there may be times Mike needs to feel his dominance more than other times.  So why wasn’t I needing it as much lately?  Where has my fulfillment been coming from?

There are many joys in my life that transcend submission.

FAMILY!
I won’t re-hash all the great developments with my kids, but suffice to say, it is hard to not feel fulfilled when your kids appear to be happy.   Okay, I won’t re-hash them in detail, but here’s a summary as I can’t resist showing some pride in my kids! 

T1 bought a house, and is getting married to a great woman who I adore.  T2 graduating college, finding a great job, and growing into full adulthood.  J, who has exceeded all the expectations we had for him just a few years ago.  His growth and development despite his disability has been amazing.   

And then there is Kayla – I love her and she loves me.  I am so happy for her and all she adds to my marriage and my family.  And most importantly, she is happy.   Being out in the open about her has also been a great emotional booster for all of us.  

And there’s more – extended family!  A great relationship with my sisters, with whom I can be open and honest in sharing my life choices.  And re Kayla – my parents, nieces, nephews, aunts and uncles — while not everyone is as accepting as I would like, it is still liberating to be open with it.   And their (well, some of them) willingness to give naturism a try further shows their openness and acceptance of my family.

FRIENDSHIPS AND FINANCES
And even more…
friendships!   A close friendship with John and Donna, our “unique” relationship with Matt, and a great group of pals in my “lunch bunch” friends.  I also think the relationship with Matt has been invigorating.  We are over the “honeymoon” phase of it so it has lost a bit of its mystique, but, I know I got an emotional boost from it all.  I still do, just not what it was when it was all new. 

And beyond the emotional fulfillment, Mike’s work has been going well, so finances haven’t been an area of stress.  And with T2 done with college — the finances look even better.  We can finally start ramping up funding our retirement and making sure J can be supported for his lifetime.

NUDISM
I have to give nudism some credit as well.  It really has had an amazing positive psychological impact on me and my family.  It has boosted everyone’s self-confidence, not that it was particularly lacking.  It also tightens the already strong emotional bond we share.   Can’t explain it – it just does.    Perhaps adopting nudism is the ultimate in “vulnerability.”  And if you read my countless posts about vulnerability, you’ll know all the positive results that come with allowing yourself to be vulnerable.   

SUBMISSION
And it isn’t like we took a hiatus from our DD.  I have remained very submissive throughout my daily activities and have had the occasional punishment.    Our “drift” was very subtle.  So my need for submission was still being fed, just perhaps a little bit smaller helpings.  

ITS NOT ALL ABOUT MY DD
Yes, I admit it.  Not every ounce of my joy and fulfillment comes from feeding my submissive mindset.  That’s a good thing.  My identity as a submissive defines my relationship with my husband, a relationship that is the largest contributor to my fulfillment – but not the only contributor.

I think sometimes when joy is lacking in one facet of life, you subconsciously try to make up for it somewhere else.  Perhaps that is why I sort of took my eye off of my DD.  I didn’t notice we had backed off a little because I am getting so much fulfillment elsewhere.  My submissive-mindset-fulfillment-meter could actually dip a bit and I didn’t notice it.  That’s okay.  Our needs are not a constant.

And to Mike’s credit, it isn’t like he wasn’t feeling fulfilled by our kids and aspects of life beyond just the two of us.  He recognized he also feels great about all of those things I have mentioned.  I think the difference is every day he was being the Dom that Kayla needed, giving him a point of reference for our D/s.  That vantage point allowed him to sense the widening gap between the fulfillment he was getting as her Dom versus the fulfillment he was getting as mine.  So he said something – and I am glad he did.

The result was the tweaks and refocusing that I shared on one of my previous posts.  You do know what that means, don’t you?  More opportunities to be disciplined.   And that is not just theoretical, but a fact.  Yes, there has been an increase in discipline. Hmm…maybe there is a spanking story coming up?

Next: 266. Domestic Discipline Throwback: A Spanking two-fer

170. Modifying our Maintenance Sessions

170.

A rare second post on the same day!  Life is good!

More in my series of posts regarding our ongoing Contract renegotiation.  This covers the review Mike and I had of our Maintenance Sessions.

I want to revisit why these sessions are important to me before I get into sharing the changes Mike wants.  I cover it way back on Post 10, but simply put, they are an important part of “maintaining” my submissive mindset and serve to “calibrate” Mike’s dominance with my submissiveness.   

I think that second point is a bit unique in this dynamic as it provides me an opportunity to get clarification from Mike or respectfully share changes I want.  Note that any critique I give of Mike is never framed about “I wish you would have…” or “I wish you would not have…”   It is always framed as, “Next time I would like…”   Open, honest feedback, free from coming across as disrespectful makes sure that Mike and I remain calibrated regarding our needs, desires, and various aspects of our dynamic.   Knowing I still have a strong voice helps me accept a situation I may not particularly like as I know I will have an opportunity to discuss it with Mike at our next session.

FREQUENCY
We have Maintenance Sessions on Sunday evenings.  Mike added a mini-session on Thursday (Post 137) that was originally planned as temporary or as-needed.  Mike now wants them to be permanent.      

THURSDAY MAINTENANCE
These were added about six months ago as shared in Post 137, and revised a bit as shared in Post 148.  They were intended as temporary measures but Mike wants them to be permanent.   They came about to provide me “added focus and additional release” and Mike said the recent “tea incident” solidified his belief these should be permanent.

These are brief sessions where I share any non-submissive thoughts I had (which I write in my journal).  Even if not necessarily a violation of a rule, it gives me an opportunity to share with him the time and event surrounding these thoughts.   This can help him further help me in ways to maintain a submissive mindset.   These sessions start and end with a 5 hard with a cane and 5 hard with the prison strap.  While only 5 strikes each, they are whoppers!   I then get 30 minutes in the corner for reflection and he comes in, we embrace, and the session ends.  

SUNDAY MAINTENANCE
The Sunday sessions won’t change much.  We mostly have these in the evenings but will try to sneak them in earlier when possible.  Depends on football and what J is doing – if he is spending the afternoon at a cousins then we of course try and do it then.

Mike increased the number of maintenance spankings, which are done by hand, from 15 to 30, and changed the “ceremony” a little bit  Basically it goes like this:

I get ready first and am naked in a submissive pose as he enters the bedroom.  He will remain silent and sit down in a chair.  Once seated, without any direction from him I rise, walk over, and lay over him so he can spank me.  He gives me 30 by hand. 

We both then get up and typically he takes me over to the edge of the bed where we sit, holding hands and facing each other.  We have our dialogue where I share any concerns I have or desires for the coming week.  Mike also discusses whatever is on his mind or specific requests for the coming week. 

I present my journal for his review.   He may take a lot of time reading it or give it a casual perusal.  I have a section where I self-report any transgressions I had during the week that he may be unaware of.  We decided it is best to handle self reporting this way instead of requiring me to always immediately self-report.  There are times I still do immediately tell him, but it is not expected.   The reason for this is he doesn’t want me to feel compelled to greet him with one or more things I did wrong.  He feels that is a buzz kill of a greeting and would rather I just journal it and save it for Maintenance. 

He then will spank me for any self reported transgressions or for any shortcomings of my journal (stuff like missing a day, messy writing, incomplete entries).  Amount and intensity of spankings will vary depending on what he feels is warranted.

I then get “Reflection time.   I must masturbate to climax and he may or may not stay and watch – up to him.  If he stays, he leaves once I have had an orgasm.  After orgasm I am to stay on the bed and relax in thought.  I may even doze off.  He returns in about 30 minutes.

I kneel in front of him and we exchange some contemporaneous words of commitment (akin to a mantra but what we say is whatever words come to mind).  He then sits, and without instruction I again lay across him without saying a word and get the final 30 by hand.  We then embrace until Mike calls the session over.   

I believe on my next post I can wrap up recapping the remaining changes we are making, which include Hard Limits, condensing the prescribed disciplining measures, and some other various miscellaneous changes.   We should have a new agreement ready to go by the 17th!

NEXT: 171.  Submissive to Mike or Mike’s Submissive?