337. Outsourcing Domestic Discipline

 

In the last five months

• I turned 50!
• Kayla turned 25
• We celebrated a two year anniversary of sorts with Kayla.  It’s been two years since we had a public celebration and recognition of her place in our plural marriage.
• I started working part-time
• What’s the latest with our various friends in our Circle of Trust? (COT)?
• Lots of sex

Hum?  Which would most readers want me to elaborate on?

How about, “None of the above?”    Actually, this is a bit of catching up with one couple in our COT, Jaime and Chelsea.  I wrote this post months ago that I thought I posted, but it was still in my drafts.  So I am going to resurrect it and post it now.  Thus, I still have plenty of fodder for my next post regarding goings-on during my blogging hiatus.

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With a bit of an empty nest, I thought I’d have more time to blog, not less.  Volunteering, picking up extra household duties (Kayla now works full time), a bit of being lazy and using my free time to watch tv instead of blog, and yes, even BOWLING!  The three of us joined a bowling league!   I bet you didn’t know I was a jock!  To the extent that a bowler can claim that moniker, ha!

PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Before diving into my latest update on my life of whimsy and wonder, I thought I’d share two things I am enjoying online.

• EAT YOUR VEGGIES
  https://goeatacarrot.com/.    Check her out.   Read about her theories and experiences with dating, sex, love, and relationships (not necessarily in that order)!  A blend of humor, politics, and sexuality!    Love her!
• HEY SISTER, SOUL SISTER
  https://sisters-in-submission.mn.co/.  A women’s only online community connecting women who want to dig deeper into what submission means for them.  The site is well organized and the community is great and supportive of everyone, from those considering submission to those who are full-on slaves, and many in-between.A lot of the post are at the more extreme end of “women are holes” so, be prepared!   But, there are more moderate and mild submissives on there.  From my experience, everyone is supportive of other’s views, but if misogyny is not your thing, skip it.  If it sounds interesting and you are female, check it out.

End of Public Service Announcement!

OUTSOURCING DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
I thought I’d expand on something I brought up in a previous post regarding Mike’s relationship with Jaime and Chelsea.

As a quick recap regarding Jaime and Chelsea (if you want the details, read Post 308):

• So that you don’t live your life thinking it is Jay-me, it is pronounced Hi-me.  Spanish for James.   This is important because to this day I think of Hermoine Granger as “Her-Moyn” and not “Her-mi-o-ney.”   I digress
• Kayla met Chelsea in college about two years ago. Kayla was a grad student, Chelsea an undergrad.  They are basically the same age though.  This is new for Kayla as for her entire life her closest friends were also much older than her.
• Jaime & Chelsea have been married six years.  They got married as soon as Chelsea got out of high school.  She was 18, Jaime was 22.
• Chelsea grew up in a family that practiced corporal punishment/domestic discipline.  Spanking was a family tradition and something she was eager to leave.
• After several years of marriage, Chelsea began craving more leadership and discipline from Jaime, including domestic discipline.   Jaime resisted.
• After befriending Kayla, Chelsea’s need for submission reached a tipping point where she had to get Jaime on board.  It didn’t take too much effort this time and Jaime agreed to a DD dynamic — with some help from us, namely Mike. 
• Mike has become the de facto DD coach for Jaime.   Mike administered many of the initial punishments and basically oversaw many more to help Jaime find his way as a Head of Household.  
• Jaime looks up to Mike and is amazed at how Chelsea’s behavior, mood, and personality has changed for the better and how much happier she is.  He credits Mike with those changes. 
• Chelsea has a crush on Mike and, as revealed in a prior post, has performed oral sex on Mike, with Jaime’s blessing.   

Sounds like a happy ending (lol!).   All parties do appear to be happy, but things have evolved differently than any of us has anticipated.   Jaime recently told Mike that he not only appreciates all the help Mike gives, but he really “gets off” on watching Mike spank her.  What has evolved is that Jaime has basically “outsourced” his DD to Mike.  Mike is Chelsea’s disciplinarian.   There is a weekly meeting, typically at their place, but sometimes at ours, that serve as Chelsea’s Maintenance Session.  

This odd arrangement has been working.  All three parties seem to find it fulfilling.  I don’t question it as I feel no need to do so.  I feel I have no standing to complain if it works for them and doesn’t interfere in my household dynamic.  Mike has asked me my opinion and I honestly give it.  I find it odd, but I can accept odd.  Heck, just look at my lifestyle.  What I do is odd, thus an “oddity” factor certainly can’t be my criteria to complain.   And honestly, I only had one concern. 

The only thing that bothers me is when we have to change our schedule to accommodate them.  They are our friends and I thoroughly enjoy the thought of Mike helping them as he does.  It really tingles me in the right places to think of him as this DD-Jedi of sorts.  But, changing our plans to accommodate them?  Sorry, I don’t like it.  I am happy to accommodate a friend when something unexpected occurs – but this is a weekly thing.   I shared my concern and Mike said he would strive to “work them in” on our schedule, not theirs.  And thus far it’s worked out!  See, I told you I have a voice in my marriage!  I get to provide feedback whenever my husband wants to spank someone else’s wife!  Who could ask for more?  lol. 

Oh, and there was one other concern I had at first.  It didn’t seem to me that Mike was really into it as if he looked at it as a chore.  He never said so, but I didn’t sense much enthusiasm.   We talked about it, and Mike said he purposely tried to “play it cool” when talking about it with me or with Kayla.   He said, “Honestly, I enjoy this role.  It is challenging to be the right kind of disciplinarian to you and to Kayla.  I feel I have mastered that challenge and it’s exciting to have someone new to figure out.”

It helped me to know he enjoys it, as I get a lot of joy from his enjoyment of anything (or anyone!).   Mike also said, before I had a chance to, that at some point his feelings may change, as may Jaime’s or Chelsea’s.  Like any change, we try and stay ahead of it through open and honest dialogue.  From what Mike says and from what I have witnessed, Jaime is a little slow on expressing himself, so it concerns me that something may fester and then show itself in a negative way.  The great thing about our relationship with them is that I am able to share this concern directly with Jaime.  I believe he fully understands the need to speak up.  And although he tends to be a bit quiet, I have to give him credit.  It couldn’t have been easy to ask Mike to become the de-facto disciplinarian in his marriage.    

Kayla is more uncomfortable with it.  I think because Chelsea is her friend and her age, it’s easier to trigger the jealousy instincts.  Kayla acknowledges it and while a bit rough at first, it has evolved to where she looks at is as sharing something (someone) she has that is really cool and that she highly cherishes.   It’s an act of her “giving,” not of someone else “taking.”  And like me, it becomes a source of pride in that, “Yeah, that’s my husband providing you something you and your husband really need and enjoy.”

Maybe there’s a way Mike can monetize his Dom skills.  Does Angie’s List include a listing for Disciplinarians? 

NEXT: 338.  Jen, just shut up already!

259. More Mike

I recently gave updates on Matt and Kayla, so clearly I need to give an update on the most important person in my life – my husband Mike!  And in doing so, it is also an update on me and our relationship as a whole. 

If you have followed my journey since the beginning, you know that Mike has been amazing.  I got us into Domestic Discipline and while he had some reservations, he was willing to give it a try.  And try he did.

I am fortunate that he and I have stayed pretty much on the same page throughout our journey.  While I think our open communication has a lot to do with it, we have also just been lucky.

MIKE
Mike is happier than he has ever been in our marriage.  There is evidence beyond his demeanor, such as, he says it!  And it isn’t happiness of power, but happiness in the results of his influence – over me, over the family.   His satisfaction stems from seeing his significant investment of his emotional “equity” into our relationship pay off.    

I made a lot of the day-to-day decisions pre-DD, or at least heavily influenced Mike such that I usually got my way.   You may think it is easy to take the reigns of a household and start making decisions, but it isn’t.  In part it just wasn’t his nature — a nature that I influenced for 20+ years.  He also wasn’t confident in how I would react to his new role.  In other words, he was a bit hesitant and afraid of “being an asshole.”  I have never once thought such a thing.

I think Post 160 and Post 205 best sum of his evolution and how great he is.  Mike is timely and effective in making decisions, big and small.  He has sky-high confidence in his role as disciplinarian.  He made the transition of simply executing on my wishes for him to be dominant, to actually becoming a Dom.  In fact, he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be (more on that later).

Mike remains a wonderful father and an amazing husband.  He is a masterful Dom, both for me and Kayla – which is not easy as our needs as submissive are different.   And beyond just a Dom, he is a great husband.  He is loyal, trustworthy, sincere, a great listener, affectionate, empathetic, and the list goes on.  He is all those things to me, to our kids, and to Kayla.  It gives me great joy to share those things in him, with Kayla.

I mentioned before that Mike is an intensely private person.  He feels a lot of this stems from the childhood trauma from a robbery.   I shared before that his house was broken into and robbed when he was a child, and it was an extremely thorough robbery and what wasn’t taken was smashed and vandalized.

While he has come a long way in opening up to strangers, he still has a heightened distrust of people until he really gets to know them better.  — which is sometimes hard when he starts at a point of distrust.   Luckily he has a “tell all” wife who welcomes in anyone and everyone to help balance him out — although instead of “balance him out”, he tends to call it, “driving him crazy.”  lol.

JEN
Most of the journey was me pushing Mike to help me find my limits.  I found those limits.  I am where I want to be as his submissive and with DD.  This is one of the reasons my posts have lacked the yearning and self-revelations of my earlier posts.  I don’t yearn much and haven’t discovered some new revelation about myself.   

When I think back to what got me interested in DD, I never imagined how effective it would be in helping me be the person I wanted to be, nor what it would mean to my family for me to be that person.  My life feels tremendously purposeful and amazingly fulfilled.  So good that I feel a bit guilty in my pleasure when we are surrounded with so much suffering and injustice. 

My submissive mindset is sufficiently nourished, and not wanting.  But what of Mike’s dominant mindset?  Do we still have DD sympatico?  I mentioned he may have evolved beyond where I would like him to be.   More on that in another post….hee hee.  I love a cliffhanger.

And before I get into resolving that cliffhanger, how can I write about my relationship with Mike without stating how I reconcile the little minor fact that, well, you know, it kind of includes a third person…someone who has evolved into being almost like a co-wife to Mike, and a partner to me.  Kayla! 

Yes, I gave you an update about her…but what can I say specifically about our triad in the context of how it impacts my relationship with Mike?   I don’t think I adequately addressed that in my updates.  Since fully coming out to everyone about Kayla, I have had to answer some questions from family.  So what of those questions and of my answers? 

 Sounds like a great next post, so that cliffhanger will have to wait as I next address this issue of how I explain my “open” marriage to those who ask.   

 

 

205. In Praise of my Dominant

My selected image evoked thoughts of a gentle man, (not just a gentleman), self-assured, confident, nothing to prove.  In other words, the perfect Dominant. 

I ended my last post with this thought – Does Mike ever need a break or help with getting back into a Dominant headspace? 

It made me realize I haven’t expressed enough about how fortunate I am that Mike has taken his Dom role willingly and seriously.  I think at times I take him for granted and just assume since I want to be submissive, of course Mike will be Dominant.

I’ve written before that it is so important for a submissive to give thanks to their Dom. (Post 158. Tips & my Golden Rule of DD).  I don’t think I’ve done enough of that.  This post is dedicated to him and how grateful I am to have him as my husband as well as have him as a Dom and all the roles that come with that.

If you want to read a bit about Mike’s perspectives on our journey, visit Post 74. Interview with Sir.  I had thought about another Q&A but his answers haven’t changed and I couldn’t think of other interesting questions – open to suggestions if you have any.

Here are some of the things for which I am thankful for Mike:

MIKE THE LISTENER
Mike has always been a great listener.  On paper, I should be one as well.  I do have a counseling background after all.  But I basically “played” a good listener for work.  In reality, Mike was the one who mastered listening as a way of life.  I believe that is why he has made such a great Dominant.

I think most people assume that as a Dom he simply imposes his will.  In fact, since adopting DD he is MORE likely to ask for and incorporate my feedback in his decisions.  This is because he knows he has final authority and he takes that power seriously and responsibly.  I believe when you accept the full responsibility of making decisions, you also are accepting full responsibility in the outcome.  Therefore, you want to make the best decisions possible.  To do that, it helps to have input from others, namely your spouse.

Frankly, in this context of “Listener” I don’t like the term Dominant as it is misleading.  It is more about him being a great Head of Household (HOH).  An HOH is more than just a disciplinarian.  They are the “Decider” for the family.

MIKE THE DECIDER
While Mike is the ultimate decision maker in the family, he doesn’t do it in a dictatorial “I am in charge” attitude.  He often  collaborates with me on many issues, weighing my input as he sees fit.

Pre-DD, there would be instant friction if my opinions were contrary to his (often it was because I would refuse to budge, but we won’t go there for now).  Not that we would always argue, but even in a civil discussion there was this undertone of a battle of wills – this point-counter point discussion on who could justify their position the best, or who would give in first.  There is none of that with DD.  He gets the final say.   

The result is, I believe the quality of our household decision making has improved with the “naming” of a clear Head of Household.  Quality being defined as timeliness, effectiveness, and ability to maintain household tranquility.  And this could not have happened if Mike was domineering, versus Dominant.

DOMINEERING VERSUS DOMINANT
I believe a challenge for some couples attempting to adopt a DD lifestyle is to understand the difference between Domineering and Dominant.  The former will likely lead to a very unhappy DD life.  Here are some differences as I see it:

• Domineering:  Arrogant, defensive, childish, threatens, loud, angry, arbitrary, overbearing, subjugate others.
• Dominant:  Confident, has nothing to prove, child-like, comforts, subtle, controlled, thoughtful, inspirational, elevate others.

It is so easy to confuse these two terms.  If you are not submissive, you likely see Dominant behavior as domineering.  If you are, then you the know the difference.
It is exactly the reason I once thought John was a complete ass.  Before I was submissive — before I knew anything about Domestic Discipline or a Dominant/submissive relationship – I saw John’s confidence and influence over Donna as domineering.  I often told Mike I thought he was a jerk.  Today, I see him as a very competent Dominant (but not as competent as Mike – I am a bit biased, but take my word for it).

MIKE THE DISCIPLINARIAN
I believe many people assume discipline is all there is to being a Dom.  It is an important role, but without Mike the Listener and Mike the Decider, Mike the Disciplinarian would be, well, just a dick.   Because Mike puts so much thought into what I need, there is always thought put into the discipline as well.  In simple terms, I feel the “punishment fits the crime” when it comes to the discipline he consistently gives.

This doesn’t mean I always agree with every detail of every punishment – nor does it even mean I always agree with detail of every decision or action he takes.  But “agreement” is different from “acceptance.”   I always accept his decisions, whether about discipline or other matters.  (I wrote about Agreement vs Acceptance in Post 55).

I don’t want to repeat myself (any more than I may already have).  Read Post 160 for more about all the attributes that make Mike the best Dom in the world for me!

IS DD EASY FOR MIKE?
I think people automatically assume the sub has the hardest transition to make when adopting this lifestyle.  I agree the sub probably has more emotional and physical challenges to overcome, but in my case, since I instigated our jump into DD, I believe I had more personal drive and motivation.  I really wanted this.  Mike was basically accommodating the crazy ideas of his wife, thus had motivations that may not have been as strong as mine.  In other words, I was committed to DD, he was committed to me.  Humm…so does that really mean it was “easier” for me? 

So does he everfeel he needs a break?  I asked him.  He said no, at least not in some time.  He said early on there were times he was worried about his performance as a Dom.  He hasn’t felt that in a long time.  He said he is energized, he is amazed, he is thrilled, he is, as he put it, “on top of the world.”   He feels his life is almost “too good to be true.” 

His concerns now are more about messing up this good thing.  But, not in a “worry” sort of way.  He likened it to his role as a leader at work.  He thinks a lot about potential problems and how to avoid them.  The difference between thinking and worry is simply confidence and competence.  He feels very confident and competent in his role as my Dom and as Kayla’s.  Thinking about potential pitfalls is just good leadership.

In his mind, the biggest potential pitfall is that he would become domineering – basically, he would allow the power I have given him to corrupt him.  He says the biggest help in feeling that he has not “gone there” re domineering is the great communication and feedback, especially in our Maintenance Sessions, and the thanks both Kayla and I bestow on him.  See – I told you thanks was important re  my Golden Rule of DD.

WHAT ELSE DOES HE THINK ABOUT?
Other than letting the power get to his head, Mike said it isn’t much different than how he approaches his work.  “I think about what I don’t know.  Is there something I am missing?  Is there something I could be doing so that I understand and know more – about my people, about my industry, about processes, about trends, about technology?   In our DD, it is about understanding and knowing more about you and Kayla.  Then it’s about understanding submissives and formulating ways I can best meet your needs.”

What an amazing statement.  Mike said he focuses on “understanding submissives.”
You would think most Dominants would immediately want to understand Dominants and dominance.  Mike’s approach is to first understand me (and Kayla), then understand submissives, all for the purpose of better meeting our needs.  Wow, that doesn’t sound like a traditional Dominant.  Maybe it is. ?!?  

In my view, the fact that being a Dom was contrary to Mike’s default demeanor is exactly why he is such a great Dom.  His overriding motivation isn’t a motivation to be a Dominant, it is a motivation of being committed to my submission.  Huge difference! 

What makes him the best Dominant ever is that he is the best Dominant for me – and speaking for Kayla, I believe the best Dom for her as well.  I’ve said it before, the best Dom is the one that works best for the submissive.  In our case, that is most definitely Mike.  I understand that he could be a complete failure as a Dom to some other sub whose needs differ.  However, something tells me Mike is the kind of guy that would adjust to whatever worked best for any submissive.

I am so so lucky to have him as a husband, especially given my needs for submission.  I must never take him for granted.   This is why the behavior I showed in Post 201  bothers me so much.  He deserves better from me.  Throughout 25 years of marriage and almost three amazing years of DD he has always shown nothing but loving intentions towards me.  It sickens me that I still find opportunities to doubt him.

I’ve spent a lot of the last week in therapy.  Self-therapy that is.  A lot of reflection and soul searching.  In so doing I made a break through that I believe will forever eliminate my predisposition to jump to conclusions that Mike’s motivations are anything except loving.  I’ve jumped to those conclusions in error far too many times in our marriage, including the years using DD.  Mike deserves better from me.  He will get what he deserves.

Mike, I love you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you!  Endless kisses, hugs, licks, sucks, and more.  Much more!!

NEXT: Post 206. Embrace the Stillness