Tag Archives: death

288. About dad

288

I thought I’d share a bit about my dad.   While a bit mundane, the truth is, most of life is pretty mundane, even for a bisexual, polyamourous, submissive, naturist, sexually adventurous person like myself! 

As shared in my last post, my dad died recently – just before Thanksgiving.   He was very much a product of his upbringing.  Like most people, he had a difficult time separating that upbringing with what truly made him happy.  He grew up in a very Anglo-Saxon-protestant-closed-minded-swallow-your-feelings-do-as-expected-the man-is-in-charge-appearance-over-substance family.   From what he shared with me about his father, it sounded like his father had it even worse than him, as did his father before that.  It’s as if each generation slowly shed this archaic and unhappy way of thinking, living, and loving.    

As part of this, my dad learned to drink his problems away, which clearly doesn’t work.  And when it doesn’t, the go-to is to then blame any problems on others — especially anyone “different.”   However, he also unlearned these things.  His life was very much one of transformation, into a thoughtful, loving, caring, and yes, even nurturing individual.   Having his own family – and namely my mother – is what changed him.  But it didn’t happen overnight.  

I never fully experienced the “old” version of my dad.  By the time I was born he had shunned most of his former ways (drinking, cheating, gambling, fighting — yeah, he spent some time in the county jail from various bar fights, drunk & disorderly, stuff like that).  My siblings experienced more of that version of him. 

He spent a long time trying to figure out how to be a good person.  It started with him first going down the path of trying to just be a good husband.  It took him a long time to get that right.  By the time I was born, (I am the youngest) he saw it as his last opportunity to get fatherhood right.  He worked hard to complete that path.  

He was present for me.  That’s saying a lot, as frankly, it all starts with being present for your kids.  Then, of course, it is about what happens when you are present.  My dad was involved and showed interest in all that I did, even making sure we had our own father-daughter outings without mom.   I felt loved, accepted, and special.  As a child, you can’t really ask for much better feelings than those.  I know I was fortunate that the dad I knew was not the dad my siblings knew or the person my mom first married. 

I think in some families this would have been fodder for resentment from my siblings, but honestly, it was the opposite.  They all were happy for me and for my mom – and for my dad.   While I am sure a part of them feels sorrow for what they missed out on, their lament never became resentment.  For that, all credit goes to my mom.  

My mom never made her kids feel responsible for their dad’s actions.  And she worked tirelessly to fill us with joyful experiences such that we never felt a void from our father.  And while my coming along was the impetus for his final transformation, it wasn’t a switch that suddenly flipped.   It did take him a little time with some backsliding — however, I was always oblivious to this as mom never let on as to what was going on.  Simply put, she allowed me and my siblings to experience the best of him and she shielded us from the worst. 

I often think of how hard that was on mom.  In many ways, the love we had for dad was undeserved and unearned.  If only we knew.  Ah, yes, what if we did?  What if we were exposed to his ugliness?   I can only imagine.   Instead, each of us was exposed to his love, to whatever extent he was able to give it at the time.  For me, it was a lot, and I will always be thankful to my mom for allowing him to express it and for me to experience it, absent any ill thoughts. 

And how do I know all of this?  Dad was very aware of his transformation and very open about talking about it.  Mom actually says little about it.  She never complained about how he once did this or once did that.  But he often apologized, openly and in front of us,  for having done certain things.   

He wanted us to understand who he was and who he had become so that we could understand that people can indeed change.  As a result, he also taught us that a lasting and joyful change can only be fueled by honesty, openness, and love.   And again, as much as I could credit my dad for teaching this lesson, it isn’t lost on me, nor was it ever lost on him, that this would have not been possible if not for my mom. 

She didn’t accept his behaviors and she even left him once for a time.  But despite his actions she still loved him.  Why?  I don’t know.  You can’t really explain love.  His actions would certainly be enough for most people to fall out of love.  Mom shared with me that she always saw that the best of him was always within him.  As long as she sensed it was in him, she couldn’t stop loving him. 

My dad was a fantastic grandfather to my kids.  He totally accepted T1 and treated him the same as all other grandkids (as a reminder, T1 is not my biological son, he is Mike’s from a prior relationship).   To be clear, T1 is my son, biology or not.  I am also grateful that my children got to experience the best version of my dad as possible, as have my nieces and nephews.      

Politics?  Family?   If you have only read my last few posts you’re probably confused as to what kind of blog this is.    Well, it’s a Jenny kind of blog!   I know the kink is more interesting, but there are times I need to show a bit of the person behind the kink. 

Yes, I am a wife, mother, PTA attending, suburban-living, middle-aged housewife living a pretty normal life.  It’s just wrapped in a lifestyle that is a bit unconventional (to put it mildly).  Domestic Discipline and all the other “stuff” that goes with “My DD” are things that I do and a part of who I am.  The occasional diversion into posts about other stuff is to help remind you that such things do not define all of who I am. 

Yeah, I am pretty normal.  For instance, just the other day after sex with my neighbors, my husband spanked me because . . .     

Next: 289.  The holidays – Thanksgiving

195. In Memoriam

rose

Mike’s mom passed away.  He lost is dad to start this year, and now his mom as the year comes to an end.  It was unexpected with his dad, and while not a complete surprise with his mom, we thought we would still have three or four more months.  

Suffice to say the mood has been somber, and Mike has had much to deal with regarding settling the estate.  It has put a bit of a damper on things.  D/s has sort of been put aside.  Kayla and I continue to serve him, but there is not the same energy or vibe.  He has not had the energy or interest in discipline, not that we’ve given him much in terms of behaviors he would normally need to address.  He dismisses the “minor” things and says, “Please don’t do that again, I really don’t want to deal with that right now.”  That actually hurts more than a spanking.   

We did get to meet Michaud as he attended the funeral and other gatherings.  Although the circumstances were not conducive to really getting to know him,  by all accounts he seems to be a great boyfriend for Kayla.  And yes, they did “consummate” their relationship. 

Things were slowly getting back into a normal routine.  It’s strange but I actually miss being naked most of the day.  I have stayed clothed because our middle son was home several days, and lots of people were coming and going.   And just about the time that was lessening and the bits of the normal routine were returning, Thanksgiving week is  upon us.  So, my naked hiatus and toned down D/s will extend about another week. 

Thanksgiving will be a little less festive, although Mike’s mom gave us all strict orders to have a joyful holiday.  There was a lot of honor, respect, and love in her last week.  Lots of meaningful conversations on what she wanted for everyone once she was gone.  

She had no conflicted thoughts, no panic, no fear.  She just exuded joy in her last weeks and days, and in return, so did others.  Everyone was focused on sharing joy, and on how what we did and said impacted her.  This made for a beautiful farewell.   

That’s how it should be.  That’s how I’d want it to be.  But it had an unintended consequence.  With everyone focused on celebrating her life, on squeezing every ounce of joy from every second that remained, it meant no one was really thinking about her passing.  Once she was gone, it was as if she died unexpectedly.  That crescendo of joy was now just empty silence.    

NEXT: 196.  This, That, and Some Other Stuff

 

 

112. Pillow Talk

3talk

Mike’s dad passed away, which is why I haven’t posted.  Not that such a thing is ever easy, but it was unexpected, making it extra hard on everyone.  Suffice to say it meant a lot of time with family and friends and not a lot of time to worry about our typical routines, submissive or otherwise.  There was still a spanking or two, (and three or four for Kayla), and Kayla’s nightly Maintenance Sessions were modified a bit – more talking, less spanking – given my middle son was with us for a couple of days plus our entire routine was off schedule.

The events of the last week led to two interesting conversations where some feelings were expressed.  One was something Kayla shared, the other was something I shared.  Oh – and I will throw in a spanking “reference.”  Not a full spanking story, as this post is long enough, but at least I’ll will leave you with something your imagination can fill in to your hearts (or other anatomy’s) content.

Oh – this isn’t going to be about what traditionally is considered “pillow talk.”  Pretty dry stuff to call it that – but, it was a relaxed and intimate conversation and was accompanied by various acts of cuddling and caressing,  so yeah, I think it qualifies (barely) as pillow talk.  It makes for for a better title than “Blah blah blah, come on Jen, just talk about spankings.”

Talk #1
Kayla was feeling bad about her “place” in our household.  With the death of Mike’s dad and the many comings and goings of families and friends, the funeral, and all that – who was she to the family?   It was common in just about every social interaction for people to ask her, “So how do you know James?” (Mike’s dad).   Somehow it didn’t seem appropriate to say, “Oh, I am living with his son, Mike, and daughter-in-law, and I am their submissive.”

To strangers she would introduce herself simply as a friend of Mike’s family.  If the conversation led to it being appropriate, she would mention she was living to us.  If we were directly introducing her we would say, “This is Kayla, she is longtime family friend who is living with us.”   People never questioned this.   Kayla sat with us and our kids, so her physical presence was pretty much as “one of the kids.”  However, there were times when the family would be mentioned or something would happen and of course Kayla was not included.

Kayla said she completely understand all of this and had no expectations of it being otherwise.  However, it served to remind her that she is not as connected to us as “family.”  She was apologetic for feeling the way she did and said it wasn’t about unmet expectations.  It was about the feeling it gave her to see how she is not as close to us as she could be.  Her sadness is in recognizing that this connection is missing.

She was very calm in talking about it.  She said she wasn’t about to have a “pity party” about it, but also knew she needed to state what was on her mind.  Overall, she just said the experience made her feel a bit distant from us, and she hated that feeling, especially because she feels so close to us otherwise.  And, she said she does not feel any regret or lingering negativity about the “missing connection.”  To the contrary, she said it made her value that closeness and more deeply appreciate the connection she does have with us.   The conversation was very sweet and loving, and hopefully reaffirming for her, as we made it clear how much we love her.

We all recognized that the “old” Kayla would have said nothing, and she would have concluded that there was something wrong with her that caused the missing connection.  She would have cried about it by herself, projected negative thoughts upon herself, and covered up her sadness in unhealthy ways.   This truly was a milestone for her – just shy of one month living with us.  The conversation demonstrated that Kayla has made progress in sharing her feelings, as it was something that I know was difficult for her to both articulate and “find” her feelings in her own mind, let alone turn around and share it with us.  It was also noteworthy that she shared her feelings so promptly, before anything could fester.

Talk #2
Just prior to the passing of my father-in-law, I had begun to question something in my mind.  I was wondering if Mike was treating me differently because of Kayla.   He had recently told me that he was “ramping up” my punishments as it seems like my tolerance had risen and they didn’t have the same impact any longer.   While true, my response was “What impact is that, Sir?”   He said that part of the punishments were to serve as not just a deterrent, but also as a consequence, and the consequence should be commensurate with the crime.  Of course, his use of the word “crime” was in jest.  In our DD vernacular, it is a “transgression,” but whatever the term, it was clear what he meant.

He was correct.  I have been sort of going through the motions of a spanking or other punishment without much thought to any actual discomfort or inconvenience that it is supposed to serve.  In so doing, I have noticed my submissive mindset has lessened, but I figured my diminished submissive feelings stemmed from our collective focus on Kayla.  I didn’t mind this “mini-vacation” from those submissive thoughts, as I know they are temporary and, I truly want to help Kayla as much as possible, especially early on in our relationship as she “finds her way.”   Whatever the cause, Mike was spot on, not that I wanted the solution to be more or tougher punishments.

Then this thought occurred to me – Is he doing this because of Kayla?  Kayla wanted (and is receiving) many more punishments.  Is he projecting what she wants onto me?   Also, Kayla does need a lot of attention from him.  I don’t say that in a bad way.  It is simply the fact right now, as she needs more attention from me as well.  I give it freely, and encourage Mike to give his freely as well so that he knows I support his efforts with her.  But, the thought crossed my mind – “Maybe he is frustrated with all that she is requiring of him, and he is taking it out on me?”

Before I knew it I was at least flirting with the idea that Kayla was perhaps at the root of something sinister.  Not a pleasant path to go down. Before I let myself go down it any further, I did make a conclusion that stopped the nefarious journey.  Two simple words – “So what?”

What would it mean if this were true?   Would it mean that Kayla is some evil bitch bent on my destruction?  Would it change Mike’s love for me? Would it change my love for Kayla?  Would it change my love for submission and DD?   No, no, no, no, and no!

Answering those questions didn’t resolve it in my mind, but it stopped me from going down the rabbit hole of negative emotions.  Now I was looking at it from the perspective of what if it were true?  Okay, so I know Kayla needs our love and extra attention as she finds the right dynamic that works for her.  Of course she will need more love and attention, so I am not upset about that.  And if Mike needs to “take it out on me,” then (within reason) it is simply another way I can submit to him and help him.

Although I was now coming at this from a positive perspective, I still wondered if it were true and that wondering gnawed on me.  It is clear to me that if I didn’t share this thought with Mike and Kayla, this issue would surely resurface again.  The longer I went without saying anything, the greater the chances my mind would wonder into assuming darker and darker motives on Mike’s part or Kayla’s part until finally, I’d burst in anger.  Motivated by Kayla’s willingness to share, I raised the issue and we talked about it.  Without going into all the details of the conversation, it was fairly short and definitely sweet.  Feelings were supported (which doesn’t necessarily mean “agreed up), and love and respect was shared between all of us.

I value the feelings of fulfillment and peace that I have achieved in my life, especially with what DD has done to help support that.  I value those feelings so much that I would not allow anything to chip away at them.  If I truly felt Kayla or anyone or anything could diminish those feelings, I would not only speak up, but I would take action to correct it.   Thus far, all my love and feelings about Kayla have served to intensify my satisfaction with life and my love for Mike.   Our ability to quickly share good thoughts and bad, can only serve to further deepen that love.

Oh – a spanking!
After I shared this, Mike sly asked, “So how long was that weighing on your mind?”  Without a thought I said, “Oh, maybe a week or so.”   He then told me to fetch a paddle!
You see, sharing our thoughts and feelings is not just something unique to Kayla.  It has been a part of my DD since the beginning, and the “reminder” of this is still visible on my sore behind two days later!

NEXT: 113. Contemplation