Tag Archives: control

341. Dealing with Covid 19. Anxiety, Control, Donating, Talking, . . . and Blanket Forts!

covid

I feel a bit like Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burned.  Of course, my fiddling involves my clit! LOL.

Seriously though, with all that’s going on it seems rather self-indulgent to talk about my sexploits.  We had our annual Immersion the week of March 8.  The theme of Immersion 2020 was “Swapfest.”  Think of it as the complete opposite of  “social distancing.”  At least our “fluid exchange” was limited to just a small group of friends who all were, and are, reporting that they are completely healthy.   In hindsight, it was dumb of us to have done that, but March 8, was a different world than March 23.

I had a TTWD-related post ready to go,  but before I post that one I felt compelled to throw in my Covid-19 commentary.   So let’s put aside the kink and get serious for a moment and remind ourselves of some things we may easily forget in these times —

ANXIETY
People
who deal with anxiety, depression, cognitive impairments, or mental illness may be more severely impacted by the added stress and worry.
Even if you or a family member doesn’t have any of those issues, anxiety levels are higher for all of us, even the otherwise “normally” functioning people.  (Hey, who just said, “Jen, sorry to tell you, but YOU are NOT “normally functioning!”  I heard that.  Come on, admit it.  It was you!).

CHILDREN
Children process information differently and can be more stressed than adults, which in turn can cause added stress for the parents.   Creating a routine can reduce stress, so find a way to structure their days at home and give them something fun and exciting to look forward to.  A family game night, or movie night (pretty much endless movies available on streaming services).

Your family may be distancing from society, but don’t isolate from each other within a household.  Find things to do collectively.  

Use it as an opportunity to teach kids how to prepare a meal (or if that doesn’t excite them, make a cake or cookies).  There are all sorts of things you can do to try and keep the kids from bouncing off the walls.   Go through old photo albums or your high school yearbook with them.  Walk around the block together, google arts and crafts – it’s amazing what you can do with a toilet paper roll and some glue.  Build an awesome blanket fort with them, google how to make cool paper airplanes…. there’s a lot of fun things you can do to keep kids entertained beyond video games.    And finding things you can do with them will allows you an opportunity to do this thing with them called “talking” which is the very best activity you can do with them right now.   

Even if there aren’t kids at home, it might be fun to do some of these things with a spouse or an older child.  Who doesn’t love a cool blanket fort?  

CERTAINTY AND CONTROL
Everyone deals with uncertainty by trying to add a level of certainty and control to whatever they can
.   For some it may be subtle and positive – organize that closet, garage, or room that is in disarray, or simply re-arrange the furniture in your house.  For others it may not be so subtle or positive – demand those around us behave and act a certain way, become controlling, demanding.   Or it may be more innocuous – buy all the toilet paper you can get your hands on.

Another constructive thing is to sit down and review your finances – make a budget for the first time – look and see where you money has been going.  Look into any insurance you may need, assuming you feel good about your income and ability to pay for it.   We are all living the unexpected, so some people may feel better about owning insurance that deals with other unexpected things in life.

All of these are things some people may do to try and feel a sense of control in the face of uncertainty.   It’s our way of coping and saying, “you may have disrupted a significant part of my life, but I’ll be damned if I have get reduced to using an old t-shirt to wipe my butt.”  That sounds like it is a joke, but it isn’t.  Really.  Buying certain essentials, like toilet paper, has a positive psychological benefit in times of uncertainty.

What have you done to get your mind of things and that gives you some semblance of order and control? Would love to see you share that in the comments.

DONATE
Donating can give us a positive emotional lift!  Social services will be stressed in many areas.   Donate to Meals on Wheels or some other local charity that will be challenged to provide more services.  If you prefer to help animals, most Zoo’s are ran as non-profits relying on attendance to stay afloat.  Close the zoo and their primary source of revenue stops. They need donations.

Even if it is just $10, it feels good and makes you feel like you are doing something more than just organizing a closet or buying toilet paper.  

Realize that most businesses are NOT multi-billion dollar corporations.  They often have enough cash on hand that if they close their doors they might be able to make payroll once, maybe twice if they are lucky.  Then – they are done.  And that small business that supplies services or materials to larger businesses — if the small business is gone, the larger business can’t get what they need.  I am no financial prognosticator, but 4 out of 5 submissive kinky housewife’s agree that we could see 20% unemployment in the U.S.   While the government works out stimulus and bail out options, WE can all choose empathy and compassion.  It’s free, but admittedly can be in short supply.

TALK!
Another free activity!  We don’t always know what the next person or family member is dealing with or how they are dealing with it, so be extra compassionate.    Don’t add the their dread.  Throwing a pity party will only bring both of you down.  Sometimes just asking someone how they are doing can be very therapeutic.    Call friends, call family members, even those you haven’t connected with in a long time.  They may not want to talk, which is fine, but you might be surprised.  If they do talk, then just talk to them.    Just show empathy and compassion and try not to project your own worry and stress on them – because here’s a tip — they’ve got plenty already!

Don’t add to the uncertainty by saying, “I heard this happened,  I heard that is going to happen…”   Be in listen only mode.  Think of it as an  opportunity to be a calm and friendly voice.   These folks may have only talked to other concerned friends and relatives, or is getting all their news from Facecrook, er, Facebook.  You might be the only person they’ve talked to who hasn’t freaked out over the fact that, most certainly, the virus is a precursor to a bigger attack by alien demons who are controlled by the devil who has been set free because of gay marriage.

HELP MAY BE OUT THERE
People often aren’t aware of the social services that may be available in their area, so remind them they shouldn’t hesitate to reach out to local services if they or a family member needs help.   Almost every community has Meals on Wheels type programs for elderly.   There’s typically mental health crisis support and a host of other services, many of which can be accessed just by phone.  A google search is typically all it takes to find out what social services or charity services are available in a given city.   

There may be a wait lists and it’s not an end-all be-all solution, but it’s worth knowing and they can start looking into it if they are concerned about an elderly relatives access to food (or their own access).   Or, they may not have ever used Grub Hub or other food delivery service (if available in your area).   If you have, share with them how easy it was.  It can be expensive to eat that way all the time, but having occasional take-out at home can at least break up some monotony (assuming restaurants are open, and in some areas they are for take-out only).                  

So if you’ve already stocked up on toilet paper, it’s time to clean your closet. . . or build that blanket fort!  

Stay safe, and for now, suspend the kink, unless it is with someone you are isolating with.  (Hum…worldwide baby boom in December?)

Next: 342. Kayla Interview – Part I

80. Breakthrough – what a week.

breakthru

I have only previously blogged about stuff that has happened and that I resolved already, or perhaps that happened and I resolve within my next post.  Sorry that this has turned into my own little soap opera where the plot lines barely budge.  Such is life!

So yes, once again my topic is about Kayla.  But, if you can stand this awfully long post, there was a breakthrough today!!.  No, not a clearer path forward, but, to be exact, clearer paths from which to choose, with “choice” being the operative word.

I thought about breaking this up into two posts, but this is already my fifth straight post about this situation that all started less than a week ago. (If  you want to start from the beginning, you can start at 76. Meet the Babysitter).  I don’t want to bore you and thus think it is time to put this topic to rest until there is some clearer resolution.  I’ll try to post about something else next time.

I left off at my last post stating that I asked Kayla to better articulate how she envisions our relationship if it were to become sexual.  She doesn’t have classes on Friday’s and spent practically the entire day with me, from about 8 this morning until about 4.  Oh, here’s a chance to share a bit more with you about Kayla.

MORE ABOUT KAYLA
She graduates in a few months.  She is leaning towards taking the Spring semester off and starting grad school next fall.  Her father does well and I think both her parents make up for some of their shortcomings by providing financial support.  While she has worked a few part-time jobs here and there, she has mostly volunteered her time.  Her parents (mostly her dad) fully pay for her school and give her a nice monthly allowance and she has a car.

She has talked about moving out of her mom’s at the end of this semester and getting her own apartment but would need a roommate to make it work.  Even if she wouldn’t start classes until next fall, her dad offered to up her allowance and help with living expenses if she does decide to enroll in a Master’s program for next fall and decides to move out at the end of this semester.   Even with that help she wants a roommate to keep the costs down and just feels safer living with someone.  She is currently talking to friends and looking for roommate prospects.

I would share more about her parents but since I am using her real name I figure I shared enough already.  Suffice to say there are some challenges she has faced in her upbringing that make it all the more remarkable that she does not have the types of personal issues you might expect.  She credits having a couple of good role models – Her aunt and us!

I was touched by her telling us this.  She shared more about how she always paid close attention to how people interacted and was very aware that her parents were not representative of how it could be or how it should be.  While there were times it was tough to not blame herself, she mostly understood it as their problem, not her problem, and thus didn’t take a lot of the disappointment personally.  She said that both her aunt and us were so loving and nurturing that she never fully felt “wrong, weird, or unloved.”  I think that is amazing, especially when she talks about thinking that way when she was a little girl.  Sad that a child had to show that maturity, but I guess it is also fortunate that she did because it allowed her to cope in more positive ways.   Yes, I feel she has some abandonment issues, but she doesn’t do drugs and appears to be very stable emotionally.

She said she always felt older than she was, which is why her friends always tended to be 3-5 years older than her, if not more.  It was also why she loved to hang around us so much.  I can’t tell you how many times over the years she would come over or join me on an outing, offering to help even when it wasn’t for pay.   When her parents divorced when she was 15, she stayed with us for about week as her dad moved out and her mom “came to terms” (I’ll just call it that), with her new reality.

BACK TO OUR CONVERSATION
I asked her what her “dream” relationship with us would look like.

She admitted that she was still formulating that in her mind, and that she thought having time to think all this through was beneficial.   She has also been reading up on Domestic Discipline and Dom/sub relationships.  She said the thought of all of that is new, but not completely foreign.  She did have a boyfriend once who liked to tie her up, just her hands and legs.  She found it very thrilling and likes the thought of giving up control, but, that was specifically around sex and not day-to-day or with spanking.  She has never been spanked before.

She said a part of her just wants to have fun, more the “F*ck Buddy” scenario, a casual sexual relationship.  She used John and Donna as an example.  She asked, “Why not just something like that?”

I responded that certainty that was one of the options we’ve been talking about and then I went into all my previously stated concerns that could result.

But, she said she does think about something more intimate, more of a relationship.  She’s already the third wheel in a casual sexual relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend.  She said she definitely doesn’t want a second one like that and would stop having sex with them if the three of us were having sex.  But she said the thoughts of that just don’t seem as fulfilling to her as what she would like to have right now.

She said she also can envision being part of our dynamic, a “fellow sub.”    Ugg, that word “fellow” is a trigger word for me, I had to remind myself to stay compassionate and loving as she meant no harm in using those words.

I held back my impulse to say, “Look missy, you will never be “fellow” anything.  The pecking order would be Mike, me, and THEN you, get it.  We may both submit to Mike, but you follow my lead too, and don’t think for a second you’ll somehow have less expected of you than what is expected of me…blah, blah, blah, anger, anger, anger.”

Instead, I did say, “again, that is one of the options we’ve been talking about and in that arrangement, I would not be comfortable with you as a “fellow sub.”   While to some extent we would be in it together, I would also want you to defer to me in some way.  I haven’t figured out what that means yet, but I know that one of my stumbling blocks is that I cannot accept you a peer.  A close friend, confidant, and lover, yes, but, “peer”, no.  I told her this is my hang-up for thinking this way, not her hang-up for wanting it that way.  Perhaps over time I could see it differently, but I know that is not going to change any time soon.”

We also talked about my concern for her thinking it as a “game.”  After all, she would have her life to go back to.  It is hard to be a part-time sub.   What, she comes over for a few hours and is submissive?  I just don’t see that working.  In order for me to be comfortable I need to feel she is more committed.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
Then Kayla had an epiphany that perhaps seems obvious to you, but Mike and I missed it.  What if she moved in with us?   Yikes, a whole different proposition and potential for problems.

Let me give a bit more context about the potential living arrangements.  We have a four bedroom house and we have a large master bedroom that has double doors to enter.  When you enter, immediately off to the left is a whole other bedroom.  To the right it goes into the master bedroom.   When the house was built we had an option of putting a door in the hallway to lead to the fourth bedroom, or, leave the hallway wall intact, and put the door on the inside of the master bedroom entry way.  We opted for that because when my son was smaller, we liked him being basically right next to us.  We later installed another set of doors to the right of the master entry way, such that when you enter the double doors, to your left is the door to the spare bedroom, and the right is another door into the master.   We did this for added privacy, and because we have used that room as a guest room and someone usually has to sleep in it when all my boys are home at the same time.

Well, if I suspend all judgement just for the moment and entertain the thought of her moving in, it would make sense that we could make that Kayla’s room.  We also have one other spare bedroom, but it used a lot by my other son when he is home, and still has a lot of his stuff in it.  Our fourth room has become my husband’s office.

Then there is the issue of my son.  It may help to understand a bit more about his relationship with Kayla.  Although there is only a 5 year age difference chronologically, with my son’s special needs he is more like an 11-12 year old on many levels vs 16.   And Kaya, as I already talked about, is wise beyond her years and perhaps is more like a 30-year-old than 21.  And my son sees her the same way.  When he was actually about 8-9 years old he started calling her Ms. Kayla, even though she was 13-14 at the time.   We joked at that time that perhaps subconsciously our son figured out that since Kayla now had breasts, she deserved the title of “Ms.” Whatever the reason, he has looked at her as an adult for some time.  Furthering that mindset is that many times for many years, we’ve told him before, “let the adults talk” or “don’t worry, that is something us adults can be concerned with.”  Yet we were including Kayla as one of those “adults” even though she was a young teen at the time.

What I am trying to say is that their relationship is not that of a playmate, but as a caregiver.  This doesn’t change any of the concerns I shared, because I have known this since the beginning, I just didn’t clarify that with you, the reader.  So don’t think my sharing it now is a way of justifying acceptance of her moving in, it is not.  I just wanted you to have the full context.  My concerns remain.

I told Kayla that I hadn’t considered the idea of her moving in.  That definitely would show a greater commitment to us, so my concern is whether or not her commitment to us would match ours to her.  I can only imagine that it can be very difficult and it would be easy to develop “third wheel syndrome.”   It would take effort on all our parts to avoid this.

I went on to share that if we did that, I don’t see it working unless she became submissive to Mike.  She couldn’t be living her AND has a casual sexual relationship.   We would even need her to write a contract, similar to mine (not identical unless she wanted).  I asked her to go ahead and work on one so we could talk about it.  I half regret saying that as it seems like a self-fulfilling thing.   Her writing one creates momentum towards it actually happening, and that momentum may be hard to stop.   I was clear that I was not committed to any particular path forward yet.  I have a lot of concerns, but some of them could be answered in knowing what kind of structure she would willing to live under.

At that point I don’t know if I was feeling better, or worse, about where things are.  Still a bit confused and it still seemed like it is moving too fast – even though at this point we are just talking options and all agreed not to pursue anything right away.

A BREAKTHROUGH
I shared this with Mike.  He said that he has definitely heard me and my concerns and while he doesn’t share all of them, he completely understands why I feel as I do and that he would have a hard time demanding something of me that where I have so many doubts.  He said there are some things where he feels he knows me better than I do, so is able to request something of me that perhaps in the moment I might not like.  However, he can see that I have given this a lot of thought and it could be a disaster if he forced a solution.  Sounds good, but then he said, “But, ultimately, while Kayla can decide for herself, I am the decider for us and if I believe we can address your concerns, then so be it.”

When he said this, my first reaction in my mind way, “Oh, he just wants to play with me and keep me in suspense while also keeping the mantle of Dom.”  But, he didn’t say it in a playful tone.

Then it hit me!  This is the root of my hang-ups.  Kayla has a say, because she is deciding for herself, and I don’t.  This is about my need to not be “less than” Kayla.   Even though it was no one’s intentions for that, clearly, she has more power in this situation than I do, so in that respect, I may be subject to her will, assuming Mike agrees with her.

THAT’S MY ISSUE.   That is jealously and resentment at its’ finest!

I realized that for the most part I was able to talk calmly with Kayla about the possibilities, entertaining the pros and cons of each.  But my resentment raises its ugly head once it comes down to thinking about an actual decision that I don’t have final say in or if she uttered any words that inferred we were equal.  I was not feeling equal, I was feeling “less than” so in reaction, I wanted to be sure that whatever we did made it clear I was not her equal.

It became clear to me that I don’t just want to be an advocate for my feelings and hope that Mike sees it my way.  I need it to be my way.   How very un-sub of me!

I shared these thoughts with Mike, as I am required to.  Nothing says my thoughts have to be submissive, and I am required to share all my thoughts with Mike.  I just must maintain a respectful tone and ultimately agree with his decisions.   Also, while typically any difference of opinion I have on things are reserved for discussion during our Maintenance session, Mike already established an exception on the topic of Kayla, as he knew Kayla and I were talking daily and that he and I needed to openly discuss the issue on a daily basis.

IF IT PLEASES HIS LORDSHIP 
I went to Mike, took his hand, and kneeling before him I said, with an utmost respectful and overly formal tone, “Sir, with all your good grace, and in keeping with your spirit of wisdom and authority, and in knowing that I will act in revelation and fulfillment to your deepest desires and the best interests of our family, I humbly ask that you demand of me the task of being the decider on any changes in our relationship with Kayla.”  It may have helped that I stroked his cock while I said it.

In any event, he said, “Sure.”  Then he took on an English accent, waved his arm and proclaimed, “Let it be granted.”  Then said in a monotone, “but do it by the time the fall semester is over, if not sooner.”   We often use humor as a way of conveying how serious a matter is to us.  Seems backwards, but that’s how we roll!

Immediately, I felt a weight lifted.  Now I am energized to really work at a solution in a positive mindset.    And I don’t mean a solution that puts Kayla in our house or that does not put her in our house.  Just that I can now take time to talk with her and attempt to set all the right expectations for the both of us.  If we can’t come to a common understanding of how it should be, then we know it is simply not going to be.

So now a new doubt came to mind.  If you consider this a “negotiation,” which sounds so dull, but I guess reconciling our concerns is a type of negotiation, then is this negotiation fair?  Kayla is at a transition point in her life with moving out of her mom’s house, and the uncertainties that has may make living with us seem so much safer to her.  Will that persuade her to agree to something that perhaps she normally wouldn’t agree to?    That could be a set up for disappointment.   Ug, I think I over think this stuff.  I am always concerned about the decision we make that we think are for one reason, but later learn were influenced by other factors that we were oblivious to at the time.

I called Kayla and told her that when drafting a contract I want her to forget what I told her about my needs to not come across as a peer.  I told her if that made her comfortable, then that is what she needs to ask for.   I told her that the only way I am every completely going to let go of some of my concerns is if I feel confident that she is going into it not just committed, but truly on her own terms.  I said I am just as happy if she looks at what she writes and then decides, “Nope, I just can’t do that.”  We can then talk about whether the casual sex route is the way to go.  And if we don’t like the way that would be, then hey, we have had some amazing conversations, are closer than ever, and things continue a bit more like normal.

I FEEL BETTER! 
Still unclear where this will go, but better that we have three clear paths and the fortitude to take the one that is best for all.   Okay, I’ll admit, best for me. . . but, not in a selfish way.  Best for me means I am convinced that it is best for Kayla and Mike too. . . But ultimately, yes, best for me. . . there, I admit it, no qualifying it.

NEXT:  81. Expectations