313. Contract update – 4 years of DD

I am going to change gears for this post and then pick up the TJ & Kim saga next time.  I will say that it’s great that Kim recognizes she has an unhealthy view of her sexuality.  Even greater, she has the strength to verbalize it and the fortitude to try and address it despite how mortifying it makes her feel.   Each time we talk it is clear it is very difficult for her to talk about it, but she forces herself to do so.   More on that on another post.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE!
This Agreement marked the 4 year anniversary of our adopting DD as our first DD agreement was March 15, 2015.   It seems like an eternity ago.  My life is so amazingly different.  A level of fulfillment, joy, happiness, excitement, and endless other words that don’t do justice in articulating the positive differences in my life.    I hope my 300+ posts serve as a testament to the positive differences.

I believe everyone could benefit from going down the first few steps of my path, even if their path is not forged in Domestic Discipline.  Simply – be 100% vulnerable and authentic to your mate, then diverge and take whatever path presents itself.

CONTRACT
My last DD Contract expired in March.  Can you believe it?  I didn’t write a dozen or so posts about reconciling my fears and desires into the changes in my Duties and Obligations.  My lack of documentation was not just because I’ve been neglectful of my blog this year.  It’s simply because we only made some minor changes that reflect we are both at a comfortable and fulfilling spot in our journey.

I came out of our 2017 negotiations a bundle of nerves – a mix of happiness, eagerness, apprehension, and sadness.  This time?  Meh.

Last time we went into our final negotiations with an outline of six major things we were changing.  This time  – no major changes.   We added points of clarity to recognize some things we’ve already incorporated and just needed to codify.  Here are some of the notable things we updated:

NAMES
Funny how we never noticed, but Mike pointed out that throughout the Agreement, he is “Mike,” yet I am referred to more formally as “Jennifer.”   Shouldn’t he be “Michael?”
Although some people do call me Jennifer and no one calls him Michael, it made sense.  We like the more formal air it gives to our Agreement.

LECTURES
This was to codify a change we made a few months ago regarding lectures.  You can read that post for what was behind this change.  Simply, I wanted harsher lectures.
The prior contract had wording such as, “When Disciplining Jennifer, Mike will strive to maintain a professional businesslike tone, avoiding a condescending or degrading tone.”

The new wording, “…Mike will strive to be stern and maintain a somber and serious tone, and lecture her as he sees appropriate.  He may use any condescending and/or degrading terms of his choosing.”     I can use our Maintenance Sessions to discuss terms I did not like that I don’t want to be repeated.  And if it is too much during the verbal chastisement, I can always use a safeword, no different than physical punishment.

Mike has cranked up the lectures over the last few months.  He is still finding the right amount of condescension that he is comfortable with that at the same time doesn’t exceed my comfort levels.  I’ve encouraged him to keep dialing it up and I would let him know.  Much like other limits, you typically don’t know what they are until you exceed them.

As Mike often reminds me, physical wounds are easier for him to see and easier to heal.  Lectures are 100% emotional and it’s hard to judge when you’ve gone too far and the healing process may be longer.   I’d something snarky and funny and self-deprecating, but, yeah, I’ll keep that thought in as it would probably get me spanked.  Why?

NO SELF-DISPARAGING REMARKS
This was Mike’s idea and I agreed.  He doesn’t want me referring to myself as a whore or a slut or anything disparaging.  This arose in part from his reaction to my “Whoring me Out” post which I wrote about in Post 271. Unfair exploitative whoring.  He felt that with him being able to include disparaging comments in lectures, he didn’t want me reinforcing those terms by referring to myself that way.   He did say there could be some latitude when I am clearly joking or we engaged in play, but the humor needs to be clear and the setting needs to appropriate.

He summed it up as, “Self-depreciation is one thing, self-loathing another.”   Not that I am someone with any self-esteem issues or feelings of inadequacies, but I understand his point.  It’s like my mantra’s  – words are power and the more they are repeated, the more power they have in your mind.

I think this one will be easy enough to adhere to; however, I know my attempts at humor some time cross the line between what is fun and what is foolish.  Oh well, nothing a few well-earned spankings can’t correct.  hee-hee.

DEFERENCE
Our Agreement has a section about deferring to Mike’s judgment.   We added some wording to make it clear it isn’t just about after the fact, such as once he has made a decision.  But also before the fact.  That is, I need to consult with him on any major decisions before making my opinion known to anyone.  I mentioned this one in my prior post re the Godfather reference.  

This was also Mike’s idea.  I really liked it as it thrills me to tell people I need to check with Mike.   Depending on the audience, I sometimes say, “I must check to see if Mike will allow me.” It makes me feel so submissive and vulnerable, yet so secure and confident in my submission.  I have no qualms about making my deference to Mike’s authority over me known to others.

I’ve also found it may prompt a question like, “So you have to ask permission?”  And in keeping with our “If asked, do tell” policy, I say yes!  And sometimes that prompts more questions, sometimes not.  

IF ASKED, DO TELL
The prior contract required me to get Mike’s permission before I could tell anyone about any elements of TTWD.  We updated the new contract with how Mike has loosened this to what we call an “if asked, do tell” policy.   If someone asks a question, I can answer it honestly and provide no more than the minimal amount of information to do so.

This demonstrates how far Mike has come in his confidence with our lifestyle.  He tends to have an “I don’t care what people think” streak in him, but it is has a few guard rails that can be tough to penetrate.  

SEXUAL OBEDIENCE
Here’s another area that wasn’t really changed, just clarified.  We made it consistent with wording from Kayla’s contract.  We don’t make it a point to compare and contrast our agreements, but where we are already similar in practice, Mike prefers we use the same wording.  He said this helps reinforces the sameness with him, as well as makes the differences easier to spot and remember.

The wording already gave him complete authority… “Mike may demand any sexual or physical activity to be performed upon or by Jennifer on him or any other person at any time and Jennifer shall comply without hesitation.”    It now includes some pointed wording such as  “Anything.  Anytime.  Anywhere.  Anyone.  Without hesitation and without regard to the surroundings.”   There are still some controls such as hard limits, safe words, and my ability to use the next Maintenance Session to request any modifications or cessation of a particular act.

WORDS ARE POWER
Beyond the items noted above, a few other wording tweaks, additions, and subtractions, all with the intent to provide further clarity.   Remember, words are power.  And ultimately the words we put into the Agreement are not as important as the wordsmithing process itself.   The conversations we had were priceless.

We don’t let the contract rule us.  We rule the contract.  We don’t run to the contract to see what it has to say, but we do periodically review it together to ensure we are in sync with our expectations and agreements to one another.  We look at the contract as a living, breathing, thing.  Not a hammer.

Having to articulate my desires, for both myself and for what I desire for Mike, our marriage, and those around us, is an incredible gift to our relationship.  And having Mike do the same is just that much more incredible.

You can do this in your relationship.  All it requires is one ton of vulnerability, and equal parts love and compassion.  Hint: the hardest part is the vulnerability, assuming the love and compassion are already there.  If they aren’t, you will never be able to be truly vulnerable.

For us, every part of TTWD has been the byproduct, not the goal, of our being vulnerable, loving, and compassionate.  Your results are up to you and your relationship – DD or kink or whatever I have, is NOT an automatic byproduct. 

NEXT: 314. Can I watch you have sex?

299. PSA – Stop Being so Hard on Yourself

Wow, three days in a row of posting! Yea me!

I ended a prior post with,  “Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. “

I need to add, “Love YOURSELF without limits, and you can then love without limits, and get loved without limits.”

NEGATIVITY BIAS
Sometimes it’s worth taking a break from the salacious kinky stuff and make sure emotionally we are dealing with any negative thoughts that may arise from our hedonism.  I wrote of this in 277. Understanding myself and my submission, and even a bit in 246.  Subconsciousness of Wrong.  I only recently came across an article that has prompted me to revisit that topic

Let’s face it, when it comes to our kinks, society conditions us to feel guilt, shame, and more shame, and then more guilt mixed in with a bit more shame, all in nice big guilt wrapper with a giant shame-bow at the top.  There’s an undeniable negativity bias regarding our feelings when it comes to our kinks.

BIAS BIAS EVERYWHERE
I have always been intrigued by bias.   I believe I included this link before about the 12 Common Biases that Affect How We Make Everyday Decisions.  or perhaps the 15 Logical Fallacies You Should Know Before Getting Into a Debate.  Yeah, we all have biases and we all fall for various logical fallacies at times.  And since no one seems to teach critical thinking, society seems to be falling for more and more of these.  But Trump followers notwithstanding, “negativity bias” is especially insidious.  

“It can lead to ruminative thoughts that interfere with our productivity, and it can impact our bodies by stimulating inflammatory mechanisms that lead to chronic illness and accelerate aging.”  (That sentence sounds better when said with an English accent in my head.  Try it and I think you’ll agree). 

Sure, those aren’t my words, they are from the article.  But it’s saying, negativity bias can literally kill us.   Instead of me giving my dime-store analysis on negativity bias, I encourage you to read the article linked below.  It is absent any kink (sorry you pervs), but has real-world application to everyone, especially kinksters who may sometimes have negative thoughts about their proclivities.

I do want to add this comment though – I consider myself very self-compassionate.  Sure, I tease myself about different things.  Did you know my boobs are saggy?  Yeah, I’ve never mentioned it, except maybe once or a hundred times.  hee-hee.  Anyway, my favorite line of this article is that self-compassion spurs positive adjustment in the face of regrets.

I think my Domestic Discipline journey has been all about positive adjustments in the face of regrets.  In fact, being spanked is in many ways a positive adjustment in the face of regret.    Yeah, I just connected self-compassion with allowing my husband to spank me.  {Mic drop}.

Okay, enough from me.  I strongly encourage you to check out this article.

Next: 300. Don da da don! 300th post – and it’s Intense!

 

238. Mystery Blogger Award

It’s been more than a week since my last post.  Sort of self-imposed social media exile – not on purpose – but I simply was giving my blog and other social media a low priority lately.   The upside is I have several things from which to choose that I can share.  But before I do, I am overdue for accepting and passing forward a Mystery Blogger nomination from Naughty Nora.   

Thank you, Nora, and thank you for following me since just about the beginning, and providing your frequent comments to my posts.  You’re #1 in commenting on my posts with 115!

This award was Created by Okoto Enigma to highlight blogs that may be less well-known.

RULES

• Put the award logo/image on your blog.   Easy! Done!
• List the rules.   Well, you’re reading them!
• Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog.  Done and done!
• Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well.   Nailed it!
• Tell your readers 3 things about yourself.   Keep reading.
• Answer the questions you were asked.   Will do!
• You have to nominate 10 people. Wa? Huh? Er?  I don’t think I’ll do 10.  So, does that mean the MBA committee will revoke my nomination?  It’s a chance I’ll have to take.
• Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog.  Okay.
• Ask your nominees any five questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question.  As if I have to be prompted to be weird!

THREE THINGS ABOUT ME
For someone with a ridiculously long About Me section, I can only give 3 things?  Okay,  how about something different?  Here’s three “philosophies” that reveal big parts of me:

1. The older I get, the more I understand that it is not only okay to live a life others don’t understand, but finding the confidence to do so is extremely self affirming, rewarding, and fulfilling. (Confidence in revealing yourself, allowing yourself to be vulnerable = amazing feelings).
2. An unimaginable array of pleasure and oneness awaits us when we let go of inhibitions, tune into our bodies, trust our partners (be vulnerable to them!), and broaden our ideas about love, compassion, and sex. (Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable to your partner).
3. There is an amazing power in being present and mindful.  Sort of zen-thing, and it is about letting go of intentions and no longer mortgaging the present for the elusive promise of the future.  (stuff I shared back in Post 30. I Found my Thrill).

And while perhaps this violates the “rules” as it technically would be a fourth thing, these philosophies were only revealed to me and embraced by me with the advent of my DD three years ago.  These philosophies were foreign to the pre-DD Jenny.

Funny, but Mike, Kayla, and I happen to watch “Yes Man” yesterday as it was on HBO.   Mike and I both saw it years ago (pre-DD).  Watching it now, I really related to the premise of the movie, as my life since adopting DD has been a lot like simply saying “yes” and embracing what life has to offer.

QUESTIONS I WAS ASKED BY NAUGHTY NORA

1. What would you say is your most endearing quality?
   Ability to empathize.  I think this ability is also something I seek out in those that I surround myself with.  I believe this is why I have a lot of friends that, on the surface don’t share a lot in common with me (political views, religious views, social views, kinks, various likes and dislikes) yet we find friendship via the mutual respect and fun we have when we get together.   Oh, also, I have to mention my endearing quality to be succinct and always follow the rules.  Not!!
2. What is something about yourself you’d like to change/improve?
   I would like to be more present (See #3 in the About me section above).   I have made huge strides in this.  Unimaginable strides when I look back at it.  But it continues to be a work in progress.  I have come to realize it is the bedrock of what my DD is about. 
3. If your house was burning down and you only had time to grab one material possession (let’s assume your entire family & pets are already safely out), what would you save?
   Large box of my family photos that include all my childhood family photos
4. What is something that makes you feel nostalgic?
   Looking through my large box of family photos that include from my childhood.
5. Favorite dessert?
   Whipped cream, if I get to lick it off off… ahem.  Uh, keep it clean Jen.  Pumpkin pie, yes, definitely, pumpkin pie.  And no, pumpkin is not a nickname for Kayla. Oh well, so much for keeping it clean.  

MY NOMINATIONS
So Nora and I follow and comment on a lot of the same blogs, so I won’t replicate any of her nominations.  So if she nominated you, please understand I am not over looking your continued support of my blog.

melwoodblog: a true mystery as he has yet to share via his blog — but from a few emails we have exchanged, it is clear he has lots of interesting and entertaining insights.

jadescastle:  I’ve been reading her blog ever since I started mine.  Very open and revealing insights into her journey. 

kdaddy23’s: I haven’t come across blogs from a bisexual male other than his.  Different perspective, different issues and challenges, all addressed in a very open and honest manner.  

The Indecisive Writer:  Great accounts of various kinky fuckery!

QUESTIONS FOR MY NOMINEES

1. When you last sang to yourself (or hummed, if you aren’t the singing type), what song was it?  Give details, the name of the song, the artist who recorded it (if you know), and what feeling it evoked in you.

2. Name three things you and your partner have in common.  If not currently in a relationship, then what about with your last partner? 

3. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

4. What is your most treasured memory?
5. What would be the coolest animal to scale up to the size of a horse?
   

That’s it! 

Next: 239. Filters: As you sow, so shall you reap

88. Something true

Infection
My last post left off with my realization that I let jealously and resentment infect some of my interactions with Donna.  I must clarify that those feelings have nothing to do with our unique relationship/arrangements regarding sex and submission.  While those feelings are also at the heart of what I wrote about in Post 80 regarding Kayla – again, I now know that those feelings had nothing to do with the potential path we may go down regarding a deeper and more intimate relationship with her.

These negative feelings are all about my coming to terms with the needs of my son.  I will refer to him as J.  It sure is a lot easier to type “J” every time than saying, “my son,” “our son,” etc.

I’ve shared that J has special needs and likely will not be able to ever be independent.  As he is now 16, we are seeing some signs that he may be able to function in a group home type setting or with some level of autonomy.  My husband and I have talked about at some point perhaps moving and getting a large lot where we could have a second, smaller apartment-sized home on the property where he could live.

Source of my Infection
I discovered a feeling I never recognized or confronted before.  It has probably been there for a long time, but I pushed it down through various means.  Pre-DD is was kept at bay by trying to control and solve every problem of the world.   Now that I have given up being everyone’s problem solver, it took 17 months for this feeling to finally make itself known.  I have resentment over having a special needs child.   This is soooo hard for me to state.  I feel awful and sad for feeling that way.

The trigger that would project this feeling into my interactions with Donna or Kayla is that they are so “free”, and I am not.  Donna is an empty-nester, Kayla is just beginning her adult life.  While I can try to reconcile this by recognizing they both have their own shit to deal with, my shit is, well, shittier.  That’s a dumb way to think, but, well, that’s what I am thinking when the resentment builds.

I definitely don’t project that resentment on J.  He didn’t ask for or cause the issue and he deserves and gets nothing but unconditional and tremendous love from both Mike and me.  I don’t project this resentment on Mike, because he is in the same boat as me and does a great job of helping out with J.   I don’t project it on my sisters or other family members because I feel they have their own set of issues and challenges in life and they still find time to lend me their support and love regarding help with J. So, who does that leave as targets?  Ah – my friends and acquaintances.

Targets of my infection
My circle of close friends is  small.  There are many we socialize with – past and present co-workers of both Mike’s and of mine, old high school and college friends, etc.  But that is mostly casual socialization and not a deep and meaningful friendship.   Pretty much there are three people who I fully confide with that are outside my family.   There is Amy, which I talked about in post 62 and post 64.  She lives in another state.  While we remain close, it is more via email, FB, and the occasional phone call.  Not enough interaction to ever project resentment towards her.  So that leaves only Donna and Kayla.  Donna for sure, and only recently, Kayla.   Yep, they’ve become an easy target towards which I can project my resentment.

Thank you Domestic Discipline
It is totally unfair to them, I know, but it is the reality of it.  I have always been very introspective and always have sought to get to the bottom of my feelings.  However, pre-DD this would have taken longer to identify (actually, it would never have been identified) and once identified, I wouldn’t have shared it with anyone, even Mike.

I must credit DD with “forcing” me to share my feelings (let alone helping lead me to my catharsis per my prior post).    By sharing exactly what I was feeling with Mike, it allowed me to have an empathetic and supportive partner to help address this.  Further, my DD “gave me permission” to then share this with Donna and Kayla.   That sounds silly, because it was something we all have – ability to share our feelings.  But there are often hundreds of reasons we choose not to do so.  My DD basically says there are no reasons to do so and I must share, at least with Mike.  Once shared with him, I found it easy to share with others that I love or have a deep friendship with. Plus, Mike ordered it – although, I took it more as an encouragement, re, “You need to talk to Donna and Kayla about what you are feeling.”

As shared in Post 80, I was able to talk to Kayla at that time and admit I was feeling jealous and resentful.  However, only now, after feeling that way towards Donna, do I realize I had the cause of those feelings wrong.  In that post I attributed it to lack of control over our possible sexual relationship with Kayla.  Yes, I felt relieved to gain that control, but that was only a band-aide and not the cure for the resentment.   Just like pre-DD, “having control” helped bury the resentment, but the resentment was still there.  For years, having control of a situation was just a proxy that fooled myself into believing I was solving for my lack of control over J’s disability.

I like the saying that “emotion comes with an entourage of associates.”   I don’t know if that is a saying anyone else has said or if I created it.  I just know I picked it up at some point. What I mean is that emotions are complex and getting to the root cause can be a challenge.  Even when you think you’ve found it, you may be fooled by one of the “associates” who were disguised or hidden.  I guess that is what keeps psychologists in business.

Anyway, such was the situation with Kayla.  While there is no guarantee I finally got it right, I feel highly sure of myself that indeed the root cause of this is from my feelings about J’s disability.

I’ve now been able to confront this head on by having a conversation with both Donna and Kayla (separately) about my behavior towards them at times.  Just recognizing it and discussing it with those that it impacts does so much to start healing it – it’s amazing.

Something that is true doesn’t always require the truth
I feel foolish for feeling resentment about anything.  I have a wonderful life filled with opportunities and love – probably more than most people.  But, we crave what we crave, we love what we love, and we resent what we resent, whether or not those feelings make sense, because, well, feelings are not logical (just look at our presidential election – hee hee. . . or perhaps not so “hee hee”).

Feelings, while they are true, they don’t require the truth.  There can be unquestionable evidence that tells us we should feel a certain way, yet, those facts are dismissed or entirely missed due to painful feelings that distort our reasoning or simply due to cognitive dissonance. Thus, we continue to hang on to a “truth” that isn’t true (it’s like that with beliefs too).  If what I am stating is untrue, we would all feel the same way about things or believe the same things.  The fact that we do not tells us that logic and  what is “true” does not prevail.  Feelings and beliefs prevail.

That’s where I am right now.   I have lots of reasons (truths) to never feel resentful for my lot in life, yet at times, I let resentment enter.  Ideally I’ll reach a point where it is no longer present, but until then, it is no longer hidden from me.  I can recognize it and look it in the eye and do my best to subdue it.  And because I am able to share this with those that are impacted by it, and those people are loving and caring, they too can help me recognize and subdue it.

Just recognizing all this makes me feel 10 times better and feel more compassion, love, and gratitude for my life and those in my life. Resentment doesn’t stand a chance!

Okay, enough pouring out of my emotions.  Let’s talk about some spankings or some sizzling sexcapades with Donna, or what exactly is going on with us and Kayla!   Maybe next post.

89. Spank Jealousy Away

79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealousy, Guilt

I am very anxious. I need to purge my emotions, so apologize in advance if this becomes a rant. I don’t think I am saying anything I haven’t shared with Mike and Kayla, but perhaps some new or more constructive ways to express my feelings will emerge.  This is a continuation of what I’ve shared in this post and this post, and in this post as well.  Sorry to have to share as the events unfold, but it sure is great therapy to write this.

This whole thing with Kayla has me all out of sorts and I can’t put my mind to just about anything for more than a few seconds without it drifting back to our situation with Kayla. I already talked about the risks that concern me, such as the increased need to practice safe sex, the implications of Kayla being someone who our son is close to, and my motherly instincts being more prevalent when I interact with Kayla and thus makes it harder for my mind to see her in a certain way. In addition, my concern that her neediness may cause problems.

What if we pursued something?
Putting everything aside that I previously stated, the other issues are that if we did pursue a sexual relationship, what exactly would that entail?   F*ck-buddies?  Would she partake as a submissive?  It sure seems to be leaning toward the latter…and submissive to just Mike, or perhaps to me as well?  What would that be like?   These are all questions I’ve posed and the three of us have discussed. And here is where we stand.

F-buddies?
I only use this term because Kayla had used it to describe her relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend. Kayla said that she does not want that for the three of us, that we mean so much more to her and that it is so much deeper than just a physical interaction. She talked of saying she would end the sex with her best friend if we all pursued a relationship. She even used the term, “I love you guys.”   And of course, we love her, she knows that, and we said so.   While that could be a good thing, to me, it is part of my struggle.   The situation could set her up for disappointment or hurt later on. I can only imagine what being “the third wheel” could be like and beyond disappointment and hurt, it could build resentment on her part.   Bottom line, it could turn our great relationship into an unhealthy one for her. That has implications for all of us.

And, just what kind of relationship would this be?   I guess it could be called poly, which I’ve never really considered. I have no qualms with that term, but, is that what this would be? Kayla uses the term “relationship” so there seems to be a certain level to commitment she is willing to make, but are we?

Her as a submissive?
When I think about this I actually feel two feelings that rarely surface in me. I feel a level of resentment with a dash of jealousy.   I am not a jealous person by nature, it is very un-me! I don’t like it. Here’s what’s going through my mind.

Waves of Resentment.

• I work hard on my submissiveness, she may not take it as seriously as I do. She may not be committed to it as I am. She may look at it as simply a game.   I resent all of that.
• What rules would she have? Same as me? Different? If different, are they less/more restrictive than mine? If she can do something without punishment but I can’t, well, that’s just messed up. Who does she think she is? I resent that.
• Would she also be accountable to me? I like that, but we would have figure out how that works as ultimately I do want Mike to be the ultimate authority figure and I want to be fair with Kayla. However, I like the idea that there is something to remind Kayla that despite her participation, she is not my peer. If she thinks of me as a peer, I resent that!
• Her level of commitment could never be consistent just due to lifestyle. She lives with her mom and goes to school. What, she comes over now and then when she chooses?   It makes it seem more like a game for her and not a lifestyle. Again, I take my commitment seriously and she will just be unable to do the same, even if she wanted to. I resent that!

Add in some Guilt.
Then I begin feeling guilty. Why wasn’t my first response to Kayla not one of compassion but instead a series of assessments as to her “fitness” to be with us?  See, the resentment is already manifesting itself in unhealthy ways as it poisons my empathy and compassion.

I shared just about everything I’ve written here with her, and of course, it did make her sad and she cried.  Not a full on cry, but teary eyed and emotional.  I know it wasn’t just in what I said, but in the manner in which I said it.  I know my tone was somewhat biting.  I apologized for my tone and tried to explain that it is not about a deficiency in her, it is about the realities of where she is at in life compared to ours and that despite our mutual love and respect, it just may be incompatible to the type of relationship we are considering.

All of my concerns are just as much about my own baggage and needs as it is about hers.   Ug, that sounded a bit like, “it’s not you, it’s me.”   But I want her to know I don’t see her as unworthy.

Dash of Insecurity?
I also have concerns about priorities. Will Kayla be a high enough priority for Mike and I that we do right by her, and will we be a high enough priority that she does right by us?  In other words, do we end up just considering each other as “available options” or is the relationship to be more meaningful than that. Not that whatever we have can’t be casual if that is what we decide, or that it can’t be more meaningful if that is what we decide, but each route has implications.

We all are works in progress to some degree, but Kayla, given her age and background is just more so.  I also am aware that whatever issues a person has they bring to any relationship. That’s a given and by itself not necessarily a problem.  But it can become one if that person is not willing to work on their own issues or allow help from their partners.   So far Kayla has impressed me with her own self-awareness of her needs, her strengths, and her weaknesses.  Including her willingness to seek advice and guidance and be open to constructive feedback.  That’s a plus, but apparently not enough to eliminate my concerns.

While I have been very impressed with Kayla’s reaction and responses, it has not lessened my anxiety about all these things. Yes, she has some needs, but don’t we all. She’s loving, caring, and self-aware, has some abandonment type issues with her parents but recognizes that and does not shy away from it. I can see that this could be fun and could be meaningful. But, my life is so good right now, and has already moved pretty fast in just the last 18 months. None of the positives I see with Kayla are enough to reduce my anxiety, resentment, and jealously, nor reduce my guilt for feeling anxious, resentment, and jealous.  And then we have the concerns I first expressed in my other posts.  Concerns about complicating my life and the fact Kayla is someone special to my son.

All these bad feelings.
 Sum it all up and another significant roadblock is whether or not we could ever have an arrangement where I don’t feel these negative feelings.  I don’t want to feel these things but that doesn’t change the fact that right now I do.  I know these feeling would end up manifesting themselves in various unhealthy ways. Unhealthy for me, my relationship with Mike, and for Kayla.   If I can’t get past these feelings, we just can’t move forward.

Mike and Kayla both seem to be outpacing me on this issue. While they are not dismissive of my concerns, they feel more carefree about just diving in, living life, and what happens will happen. I have reiterated with Mike that I stand by my commitments to him and will abide by anything he decides.

Where we are today
Mike said we should having a “cooling off” period so we all can reflect and continue to discuss our feelings.  That makes me happy and does reduce my anxiety a bit.  Mike set a date of November 15, where he said no decisions should be made before then. We’ll reassess on that date and he may decide we continue to wait or not, assuming Kayla is aboard with what he decides – which apparently she is.

One question I posed to Kayla that she has not been able to fully articulate is how she sees this dynamic working in her mind. What does she see as the ideal situation for her?   She has shared bits and pieces but hasn’t thought it through enough, so I am hopeful some additional time will allow her to understand and share her own needs and expectations better.   I hope that for myself as well.

Next:  80.  Breakthrough.  What a Week!