Tag Archives: committment

80. Breakthrough – what a week.

breakthru

I have only previously blogged about stuff that has happened and that I resolved already, or perhaps that happened and I resolve within my next post.  Sorry that this has turned into my own little soap opera where the plot lines barely budge.  Such is life!

So yes, once again my topic is about Kayla.  But, if you can stand this awfully long post, there was a breakthrough today!!.  No, not a clearer path forward, but, to be exact, clearer paths from which to choose, with “choice” being the operative word.

I thought about breaking this up into two posts, but this is already my fifth straight post about this situation that all started less than a week ago. (If  you want to start from the beginning, you can start at 76. Meet the Babysitter).  I don’t want to bore you and thus think it is time to put this topic to rest until there is some clearer resolution.  I’ll try to post about something else next time.

I left off at my last post stating that I asked Kayla to better articulate how she envisions our relationship if it were to become sexual.  She doesn’t have classes on Friday’s and spent practically the entire day with me, from about 8 this morning until about 4.  Oh, here’s a chance to share a bit more with you about Kayla.

MORE ABOUT KAYLA
She graduates in a few months.  She is leaning towards taking the Spring semester off and starting grad school next fall.  Her father does well and I think both her parents make up for some of their shortcomings by providing financial support.  While she has worked a few part-time jobs here and there, she has mostly volunteered her time.  Her parents (mostly her dad) fully pay for her school and give her a nice monthly allowance and she has a car.

She has talked about moving out of her mom’s at the end of this semester and getting her own apartment but would need a roommate to make it work.  Even if she wouldn’t start classes until next fall, her dad offered to up her allowance and help with living expenses if she does decide to enroll in a Master’s program for next fall and decides to move out at the end of this semester.   Even with that help she wants a roommate to keep the costs down and just feels safer living with someone.  She is currently talking to friends and looking for roommate prospects.

I would share more about her parents but since I am using her real name I figure I shared enough already.  Suffice to say there are some challenges she has faced in her upbringing that make it all the more remarkable that she does not have the types of personal issues you might expect.  She credits having a couple of good role models – Her aunt and us!

I was touched by her telling us this.  She shared more about how she always paid close attention to how people interacted and was very aware that her parents were not representative of how it could be or how it should be.  While there were times it was tough to not blame herself, she mostly understood it as their problem, not her problem, and thus didn’t take a lot of the disappointment personally.  She said that both her aunt and us were so loving and nurturing that she never fully felt “wrong, weird, or unloved.”  I think that is amazing, especially when she talks about thinking that way when she was a little girl.  Sad that a child had to show that maturity, but I guess it is also fortunate that she did because it allowed her to cope in more positive ways.   Yes, I feel she has some abandonment issues, but she doesn’t do drugs and appears to be very stable emotionally.

She said she always felt older than she was, which is why her friends always tended to be 3-5 years older than her, if not more.  It was also why she loved to hang around us so much.  I can’t tell you how many times over the years she would come over or join me on an outing, offering to help even when it wasn’t for pay.   When her parents divorced when she was 15, she stayed with us for about week as her dad moved out and her mom “came to terms” (I’ll just call it that), with her new reality.

BACK TO OUR CONVERSATION
I asked her what her “dream” relationship with us would look like.

She admitted that she was still formulating that in her mind, and that she thought having time to think all this through was beneficial.   She has also been reading up on Domestic Discipline and Dom/sub relationships.  She said the thought of all of that is new, but not completely foreign.  She did have a boyfriend once who liked to tie her up, just her hands and legs.  She found it very thrilling and likes the thought of giving up control, but, that was specifically around sex and not day-to-day or with spanking.  She has never been spanked before.

She said a part of her just wants to have fun, more the “F*ck Buddy” scenario, a casual sexual relationship.  She used John and Donna as an example.  She asked, “Why not just something like that?”

I responded that certainty that was one of the options we’ve been talking about and then I went into all my previously stated concerns that could result.

But, she said she does think about something more intimate, more of a relationship.  She’s already the third wheel in a casual sexual relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend.  She said she definitely doesn’t want a second one like that and would stop having sex with them if the three of us were having sex.  But she said the thoughts of that just don’t seem as fulfilling to her as what she would like to have right now.

She said she also can envision being part of our dynamic, a “fellow sub.”    Ugg, that word “fellow” is a trigger word for me, I had to remind myself to stay compassionate and loving as she meant no harm in using those words.

I held back my impulse to say, “Look missy, you will never be “fellow” anything.  The pecking order would be Mike, me, and THEN you, get it.  We may both submit to Mike, but you follow my lead too, and don’t think for a second you’ll somehow have less expected of you than what is expected of me…blah, blah, blah, anger, anger, anger.”

Instead, I did say, “again, that is one of the options we’ve been talking about and in that arrangement, I would not be comfortable with you as a “fellow sub.”   While to some extent we would be in it together, I would also want you to defer to me in some way.  I haven’t figured out what that means yet, but I know that one of my stumbling blocks is that I cannot accept you a peer.  A close friend, confidant, and lover, yes, but, “peer”, no.  I told her this is my hang-up for thinking this way, not her hang-up for wanting it that way.  Perhaps over time I could see it differently, but I know that is not going to change any time soon.”

We also talked about my concern for her thinking it as a “game.”  After all, she would have her life to go back to.  It is hard to be a part-time sub.   What, she comes over for a few hours and is submissive?  I just don’t see that working.  In order for me to be comfortable I need to feel she is more committed.

LIVING ARRANGEMENTS?
Then Kayla had an epiphany that perhaps seems obvious to you, but Mike and I missed it.  What if she moved in with us?   Yikes, a whole different proposition and potential for problems.

Let me give a bit more context about the potential living arrangements.  We have a four bedroom house and we have a large master bedroom that has double doors to enter.  When you enter, immediately off to the left is a whole other bedroom.  To the right it goes into the master bedroom.   When the house was built we had an option of putting a door in the hallway to lead to the fourth bedroom, or, leave the hallway wall intact, and put the door on the inside of the master bedroom entry way.  We opted for that because when my son was smaller, we liked him being basically right next to us.  We later installed another set of doors to the right of the master entry way, such that when you enter the double doors, to your left is the door to the spare bedroom, and the right is another door into the master.   We did this for added privacy, and because we have used that room as a guest room and someone usually has to sleep in it when all my boys are home at the same time.

Well, if I suspend all judgement just for the moment and entertain the thought of her moving in, it would make sense that we could make that Kayla’s room.  We also have one other spare bedroom, but it used a lot by my other son when he is home, and still has a lot of his stuff in it.  Our fourth room has become my husband’s office.

Then there is the issue of my son.  It may help to understand a bit more about his relationship with Kayla.  Although there is only a 5 year age difference chronologically, with my son’s special needs he is more like an 11-12 year old on many levels vs 16.   And Kaya, as I already talked about, is wise beyond her years and perhaps is more like a 30-year-old than 21.  And my son sees her the same way.  When he was actually about 8-9 years old he started calling her Ms. Kayla, even though she was 13-14 at the time.   We joked at that time that perhaps subconsciously our son figured out that since Kayla now had breasts, she deserved the title of “Ms.” Whatever the reason, he has looked at her as an adult for some time.  Furthering that mindset is that many times for many years, we’ve told him before, “let the adults talk” or “don’t worry, that is something us adults can be concerned with.”  Yet we were including Kayla as one of those “adults” even though she was a young teen at the time.

What I am trying to say is that their relationship is not that of a playmate, but as a caregiver.  This doesn’t change any of the concerns I shared, because I have known this since the beginning, I just didn’t clarify that with you, the reader.  So don’t think my sharing it now is a way of justifying acceptance of her moving in, it is not.  I just wanted you to have the full context.  My concerns remain.

I told Kayla that I hadn’t considered the idea of her moving in.  That definitely would show a greater commitment to us, so my concern is whether or not her commitment to us would match ours to her.  I can only imagine that it can be very difficult and it would be easy to develop “third wheel syndrome.”   It would take effort on all our parts to avoid this.

I went on to share that if we did that, I don’t see it working unless she became submissive to Mike.  She couldn’t be living her AND has a casual sexual relationship.   We would even need her to write a contract, similar to mine (not identical unless she wanted).  I asked her to go ahead and work on one so we could talk about it.  I half regret saying that as it seems like a self-fulfilling thing.   Her writing one creates momentum towards it actually happening, and that momentum may be hard to stop.   I was clear that I was not committed to any particular path forward yet.  I have a lot of concerns, but some of them could be answered in knowing what kind of structure she would willing to live under.

At that point I don’t know if I was feeling better, or worse, about where things are.  Still a bit confused and it still seemed like it is moving too fast – even though at this point we are just talking options and all agreed not to pursue anything right away.

A BREAKTHROUGH
I shared this with Mike.  He said that he has definitely heard me and my concerns and while he doesn’t share all of them, he completely understands why I feel as I do and that he would have a hard time demanding something of me that where I have so many doubts.  He said there are some things where he feels he knows me better than I do, so is able to request something of me that perhaps in the moment I might not like.  However, he can see that I have given this a lot of thought and it could be a disaster if he forced a solution.  Sounds good, but then he said, “But, ultimately, while Kayla can decide for herself, I am the decider for us and if I believe we can address your concerns, then so be it.”

When he said this, my first reaction in my mind way, “Oh, he just wants to play with me and keep me in suspense while also keeping the mantle of Dom.”  But, he didn’t say it in a playful tone.

Then it hit me!  This is the root of my hang-ups.  Kayla has a say, because she is deciding for herself, and I don’t.  This is about my need to not be “less than” Kayla.   Even though it was no one’s intentions for that, clearly, she has more power in this situation than I do, so in that respect, I may be subject to her will, assuming Mike agrees with her.

THAT’S MY ISSUE.   That is jealously and resentment at its’ finest!

I realized that for the most part I was able to talk calmly with Kayla about the possibilities, entertaining the pros and cons of each.  But my resentment raises its ugly head once it comes down to thinking about an actual decision that I don’t have final say in or if she uttered any words that inferred we were equal.  I was not feeling equal, I was feeling “less than” so in reaction, I wanted to be sure that whatever we did made it clear I was not her equal.

It became clear to me that I don’t just want to be an advocate for my feelings and hope that Mike sees it my way.  I need it to be my way.   How very un-sub of me!

I shared these thoughts with Mike, as I am required to.  Nothing says my thoughts have to be submissive, and I am required to share all my thoughts with Mike.  I just must maintain a respectful tone and ultimately agree with his decisions.   Also, while typically any difference of opinion I have on things are reserved for discussion during our Maintenance session, Mike already established an exception on the topic of Kayla, as he knew Kayla and I were talking daily and that he and I needed to openly discuss the issue on a daily basis.

IF IT PLEASES HIS LORDSHIP 
I went to Mike, took his hand, and kneeling before him I said, with an utmost respectful and overly formal tone, “Sir, with all your good grace, and in keeping with your spirit of wisdom and authority, and in knowing that I will act in revelation and fulfillment to your deepest desires and the best interests of our family, I humbly ask that you demand of me the task of being the decider on any changes in our relationship with Kayla.”  It may have helped that I stroked his cock while I said it.

In any event, he said, “Sure.”  Then he took on an English accent, waved his arm and proclaimed, “Let it be granted.”  Then said in a monotone, “but do it by the time the fall semester is over, if not sooner.”   We often use humor as a way of conveying how serious a matter is to us.  Seems backwards, but that’s how we roll!

Immediately, I felt a weight lifted.  Now I am energized to really work at a solution in a positive mindset.    And I don’t mean a solution that puts Kayla in our house or that does not put her in our house.  Just that I can now take time to talk with her and attempt to set all the right expectations for the both of us.  If we can’t come to a common understanding of how it should be, then we know it is simply not going to be.

So now a new doubt came to mind.  If you consider this a “negotiation,” which sounds so dull, but I guess reconciling our concerns is a type of negotiation, then is this negotiation fair?  Kayla is at a transition point in her life with moving out of her mom’s house, and the uncertainties that has may make living with us seem so much safer to her.  Will that persuade her to agree to something that perhaps she normally wouldn’t agree to?    That could be a set up for disappointment.   Ug, I think I over think this stuff.  I am always concerned about the decision we make that we think are for one reason, but later learn were influenced by other factors that we were oblivious to at the time.

I called Kayla and told her that when drafting a contract I want her to forget what I told her about my needs to not come across as a peer.  I told her if that made her comfortable, then that is what she needs to ask for.   I told her that the only way I am every completely going to let go of some of my concerns is if I feel confident that she is going into it not just committed, but truly on her own terms.  I said I am just as happy if she looks at what she writes and then decides, “Nope, I just can’t do that.”  We can then talk about whether the casual sex route is the way to go.  And if we don’t like the way that would be, then hey, we have had some amazing conversations, are closer than ever, and things continue a bit more like normal.

I FEEL BETTER! 
Still unclear where this will go, but better that we have three clear paths and the fortitude to take the one that is best for all.   Okay, I’ll admit, best for me. . . but, not in a selfish way.  Best for me means I am convinced that it is best for Kayla and Mike too. . . But ultimately, yes, best for me. . . there, I admit it, no qualifying it.

NEXT:  81. Expectations

44. Argument – Part I

I planned on this post being about the fun of unveiling the new toys.  While the unveiling has begun, I will save most of those stories for another post.  This post is about a disagreement Mike and I had a few days ago.

There is one new toy I want to mention before getting into details about the disagreement as it ties into this story.   The Prison Strap is a menacing looking and ominously named strap.  I ordered it because it looked so cool and I thought perhaps it would just be a novelty to own and that we wouldn’t use it in my punishments.  As part of the reveal, we of course tried it out.  It packed a wallop and had to have Mike stop even just after a few playful swats.  Suffice to say, while I couldn’t prohibit Mike from using it in a future punishment, I did tell him that he would need to be careful as it was very powerful.

So, here’s what happened regarding our argument.

My niece Emma has been going through a lot lately and she has often turned to me for advice.  As her issues impact her mother (my sister), invariably I end up talking a lot with my sister whenever Emma reaches out to me.  The result is I’ve been spending a lot of time with numerous lengthy phone calls to both of them.  (Thus a potential issue per our  Contract – Section 4.2.3).

Add in the demands on daily life, which, as I shared, have been further compounded by my son’s injury.   When he was first injured I was quite proud of doing well in keeping my commitments.  Plus Mike stepped up and did a lot more to help me out around the house.  Lastly, we backed off a little on our DD rules.  Even so, I still credit our DD lifestyle with keeping me focused and energized, the lines of communications clear and open between Mike and me, and with keeping Mike engaged in the needs of the family as a whole.  We were handling this “crisis” well.

Then, my niece’s issue arose.  Several household chores went by the wayside, plus, over about a two day period I was being messier than usual and not picking up right away (leaving dirty dishes around, cups around, trash like napkins and paper towels out, leaving towels on the floor, stuff like that). Mike had already picked up a lot of the slack due to our son’s injury, but now was doing so because I was spending several hours on the phone every day.

After the first day of spending a lot of time on the phone, Mike simply mentioned that I need to be careful as I seemed to be drifting off course.  I could talk with anyone, but it is not to interfere with my duties and it was interfering.   I dismissed it and told him I had control of it and it was just a one-time thing.  I could have been punished but I think given the recent additional stresses, Mike gave me a pass.  When it happened a second day, Mike said WE needed to return to giving all the rules our fair attention.  Our son had healed enough that we are pretty much back in our normal routine, and clearly things have drifted away from our DD structure.  Again, a punishment was in order, but Mike asked that I agree that from now on we were back to full DD-mode.  Instead of agreeing, I got mad.

I interpreted what he said as being about him having to do extra chores, so I snapped and rudely said, “Our rules do not say I do all the chores and Emma needs my help and I am going to give it.”

He calmly said,

“Yes, you do not have to do all the chores.  The agreement is that you would not talk on the phone when there were chores to do.  And it has always been our mutual expectations that we clean the kitchen, typically together, right after dinner.  And, the rules also say that you are not to be messy and you’ve been very messy lately, adding to the workload.  And I could probably name many other transgressions over the last week or so.  I gave you pass and just picked up after you, but now perhaps that was a mistake.  The situation with Emma has just compounded the distance between what you actually do and what you’ve committed to do.  Lastly, you specifically agreed not to overextend your time and emotions to family members and you agreed to that specifically because you know you tend to get enveloped in other people’s problems.”

“Oh yeah,” he added, “and you agreed to respect me in tone and manner and you did not do that with your remark.  So just how far from the Agreement do you want to get?”

Wow.  While I wasn’t in any mood to show appreciation for his knowledge of the contract, I really had no valid retort.  In hindsight I know he was making it about my commitments to myself, and not about his extra work, but at the moment I was too mad to see it.   Luckily, I wasn’t mad enough to say anything more than, “Yes, Sir.”

Mike responded, “So drop you pants and bend over.”  I complied.  He gave me a few warm up swats with his hand and then whipped off his belt and gave me about 20.   As part of our Ceremony I have to say what my transgressions were.  Part of what I said was that it included me being messy and not cleaning up.  Mike corrected me.  He said given all that had been going on with our son he was, up until that point, still willing to let the cleaning issue go with just the verbal reminder. What he was asking for was a re-commitment to our agreement going forward and that the spanking was only for rudely snapping at him.

He lectured me more than usual.  He reminded me that our contract represented my own commitments to myself and about how important I’ve been saying those commitments were.  He even reminded me that he had wanted to suspend our Maintenance Sessions given what was going on with our son and I did not agree because I felt it was extremely important not to start any deviations from our Agreement.  Yet, I was the one who deviated in other ways.  He said that after tonight he would be fully back on upholding his part of the Agreement and enforcing the commitments I have made to myself.

NEXT DAY
The next day was uneventful.  I kept all my commitments, Mike and I cleaned the kitchen together after dinner and he was looking forward to me revealing another toy.  We had planned to get right to our fun as soon as our son was asleep but Emma called just as our son went to bed.  I told Mike I would make it quick and would meet him in the bedroom in a minute.

I went to the living room to talk on the phone.  45 minutes later Mike walked into the room and gave a disapproving scowl, tapped his wrist as if tapping a watch, and mouthed “off the phone.”  I told him it would be just a few more minutes and I’d be done – basically just telling him “no.”   It was really bad timing as far as the discussion with Emma was going and I wasn’t about to just cut her off and hang up.  Whatever my reasoning, I was clearly violating my Duties and Obligations.

Mike walked out of the room and returned about a minute later and handed me a note as I was still on the phone.  It said, “Two things on the bed waiting for you.  Choose one.  I’ll be waiting in my office.”

I wrapped up the call fairly quickly.  I couldn’t get my mind off what punishment was in store for me.  I remember having this imaginary dialogue in my head where I was telling Mike how unfair this was and I couldn’t believe HE was doing this to me.  The more I repeated this imaginary dialogue, the angrier I became.

I imagined there would be two spanking implements from which I would have to choose. In addition, he wants me to meet him in his office?  It is too close to our son’s bedroom and he knows that, so he is obviously doing this for spite.  As I went to our bedroom I took a detour to Mike’s office.  I stuck my head in and said, “I don’t know what all you have in mind, but this so unfair. I can’t believe you would do this to me.

These are words I have never spoken since we began our DD relationship. I had never blamed him for a punishment or made it about anything he was doing to me.  Only now as I write this do I realize something.  Not only was my thinking unlike anything I thought since our DD journey, it was in fact unlike my normal thinking ever.  I was trying to make him regret his upcoming actions.  I was trying to make him feel shameful.   Shame is a terrible thing to try and unleash on anyone, especially someone you love.  I really let my anger get to me.  I’ll have to reflect more on why that was, but, whatever the reason, I was angry.  My verbal volley to him made me feel even more emboldened which served to further fuel my anger.  I couldn’t wait to “defend” my actions and show him how wrong he is.

I walked into the bedroom and looked on the bed.

Two things were on the bed.  What I saw made me cry.

Next:  45. Argument – Part 2

34. M/s immersion complete

Immersion complete!

I don’t know where to start or what to share first.  I believe it will take many posts to share some of the ups and down of our foray into a Master/slave dynamic.

To summarize, it was exhilarating and exhausting, arousing and mundane, sensible and absurd.  While always in the veil of serving Mike, it also had moments of self-absorption and self-reflection.  Overall it was a positive experience and I am glad we did it.

I learned that M/s is not for us; however, there are elements we are taking back to what now appears to us as our tame and “normal” domestic discipline arrangement.

I’ll share some specifics on future posts but want to share now that the most surprising part of it for me was how physically demanding it was.  I had thought of quitting at one point as I was just exhausted.  I was trying hard to not show my fatigue but Mike could clearly see it.  The night of day 7 he allowed me to take a warm bath, (all bathing prior to this was with cold water).  He then put me to bed early and put a blindfold on me, put on some sound effect app that played the sound of water rushing through a river, and he turned out the lights.  In addition to going to bed early, I got to sleep until I woke up on my own.  That rest and lovely gesture was just the medicine I needed as I was ready to take on the last three days with a full head of steam.

As a tease, some of the more interesting stories were when we needed a plumber and Mike made me stay naked during the service call, or some of the things Mike and John worked out regarding me and Donna, or our attending two FetLife functions, or the several new toys/implements Mike surprised me with.  Mike also came up with two new punishment techniques, both of which are easily at the top of my least favorite list.  Also, I will share the things we are taking into our daily DD routine/rules.  Lastly, we “celebrated” the end of the immersion with getting my nipples pierced, which also has a fun story attached (although not as salacious as I had hoped it would be).

We have a few days to mentally and physically re-set and our son will be back home. Given that it is summer, our DD and TTWD will occur less frequently since our son will mostly be home.  DD is so inconvenient, but Mike and I have already devised a plan to make sure we don’t ignore it.

Next: 35. Calisthenics of Doom & a Tease 

20. Putting on a Show

Meet my neighbors
We’ve become good friends with our neighbors, John and Donna (not real names). They are 6-7 years younger than Mike and I and already empty nesters.   We never sensed a dominant/submissive dynamic between them, but we did feel John was domineering and Donna was passive.  We were naive.

Donna and I are good friends; shopping, talking, and the occasional girl’s night out. All four of us go out on occasions, dinner at each other’s house, watch movies or sporting events, barbecue, and stuff like that.  We all hit it off, despite my thinking that John is a bit of an ass.  While Donna is able to do things with me, there is always the “I’ll check with John first” or “I need to be home by 10.”  A constant list of rules or restrictions because “John said.”  I took note that it was never a “John asked.”  I knew John kept Donna on a metaphorical tight leash.

John and Donna were always very comfortable in their interactions when we were around them.  I never sensed anything too out of the ordinary, so again, I chalked it up to John being a bit of an ass.  Occasionally Donna and  I would talk about our sex lives.  She seemed extremely happy and highly complementary of John and it all sounded pretty ordinary.  She never had any experience with another girl, as I learned after sharing with her stories of my college experiences.

DD opened my eyes to the world of dominant/submissive relationships.  Suddenly, things I noticed about John and Donna took on a different context in my mind.  It clicked – I bet they’ve got some sort of sub/dom thing going on!  Either that, or John is just an ass.

SHARING OUR SECRET
I was itching to share my DD lifestyle with someone and Donna was the right person, plus now I thought she might actually relate.   I figured even if I misread these signals that she was still someone I felt comfortable confiding in.  I asked Mike for permission to do just that, and while there were some reservations, Mike agreed that I could.

I confided in Donna.  Her reaction was calm but with some giddiness and heightened energy.  She asked a lot of questions and even wanted to see my contract.  She was highly intrigued and I remember her saying “wow” a lot.  I asked her if her and John had any sort of arrangement about her being submissive.  She said no, but her answer seemed insincere.  I didn’t press the issue. .

The next day she came over during the day (she works part-time) and shared with me that indeed, her and John live a type of d/s lifestyle that was more master/slave.  To me it sounded like their own mix of DD with some religious CDD overtones (Christian Domestic Discipline) but also with a dash of BDSM.  A potpourri of D/s relationships!   It didn’t share much in common with what Mike and I did, however, the common ground was that we both forged out our own unique form of an d/s relationship.

Donna said she didn’t tell me the day before because she had to get John’s permission first.  Both of them had always wanted to open up to someone about their lifestyle so now was the perfect opportunity.  Amazingly, we had neighbors into an alternative lifestyle that was somewhat like ours.

THE SHOW!
That evening we got a sitter and Mike and I went over to their house for dinner as the boys had lots of questions and we all wanted to talk. We talked openly and matter-of-factly about various facets of our d/s, DD, or whatever-label-you-want lifestyle.  It was liberating to ask and answer such personal, detailed questions and get and give such revealing and honest answers without any judgement.

While John seemed respectful of our differences, he did seem to feel superior to Mike in that he had a lot more control over Donna than Mike had of me.  John then said something that seemed to challenge Mike’s “rule” over me.  I don’t remember exactly what it was other than it was playful, not spiteful, but was still a dick thing to say.  And Mike, being fully aware of the sexual desires he and I shared (see Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies) he saw an opportunity to quiet John down and fulfill a desire that both he and I had.

Mike calmly asked me, “Jenny, why don’t you ask John for permission to masturbate for them?” 

It took me a second to process what he was saying as I just didn’t expect it.  I talked a good game, but now it just got real.  Would Donna be comfortable?  Would I be comfortable in front of John?  Also, I learned from Donna that day before that her and John never had threesomes or couples or anything other than monogamous sex (same as Mike and I).  I wasn’t sure what John may think of this or where he might think this could be heading…or what Mike had in mind.  But in the flash of the second that those things ran through my mind, I also was more than happy to oblige this shared fantasy that Mike and I had regarding me masturbating for a group, albeit a small one.

“John,” I asked as calmly as if I was asking to borrow a pen, “if you’ll allow it, I would like to masturbate right here for you and Donna.”

John looked over at Donna and then looked back at me and said, “I’ll allow it.”

I remember looking at Donna and she didn’t seemed pleased.  Understand that Donna is gorgeous, very physically fit and awesome body and firm breasts.  If anyone should feel inadequate about their body, it was me… a bit chubby and 3-kids-later-saggy-boobs. Certainly she wouldn’t be jealous, but maybe she thought John would make her go next or perhaps this just wasn’t her thing?   Maybe she didn’t like the idea of someone doing something sexually lurid in front of their husband?   Oh well, too late to stop now.

I walked over to the couch and sat down.  I asked them to take a seat, and Mike sat at one end of the couch as Donna and John sat in a love-seat nearby.  I started rubbing my breasts and pussy on the outside of my clothes.  I then tucked one hand under my shirt and bra and fondled a breast with one hand, while the other plucked open my button-fly jeans.  I slid one hand down my pants and played with myself until I was good and wet.  I stood up and pulled my pants and panties off.  I unbuttoned my shirt to expose my bra and sat back down.  As one hand worked on my pussy, the other one pulled back my bra to expose one breast.  Knowing they were all watching was as exhilarating as I dreamed.  I really loved the attention and the orgasmic feelings began to quickly swell as I pulled hard on my nipples and sunk my fingers deep inside my pussy.  I would frequently open my eyes to see the reaction and make eye contact.  The eye contact was hotter than hell!  I loved looking into their eyes as they watched me.  John had a huge grin, Donna’s look of disapproval seemed to be gone as her eyes were big along with a sly smile, and Mike was clearly loving it too.

I would lick my fingers as I would alternate which hand was on my pussy and which one was on my boobs.  I stopped briefly to take off my shirt and bra and quietly mumbled, “I hope you’re enjoy this as much as I am.”  I was now completely naked on their couch.  Although everyone’s eyes said continue, I felt it necessary to ask Donna a question.

“Donna, may I continue?”

As soon as I said it I was concerned that perhaps I broke their personal etiquette by asking Donna for permission and not John.   Donna didn’t miss a beat and said, “I would like you to continue if John allows it.”

John’s reply was, “Yes, continue, but, Mike, please move over to give Jenny more room, and Donna, I want you to go over to the couch and sit down next her.”  I thought this was about to go up a notch and hoped Donna is ready.  I was pretty sure I was.

John directed Donna to sit at the head of the couch and he asked me to just put my head in her lap and continue.  I looked over at Mike as I wasn’t sure if this was going somewhere we didn’t want it to.  Mike simply got up and sat down in a chair and said, “Works for me.”  So, I put my head in her lap and continued on playing with myself.

It was amazing to look up in Donna’s eyes while I moved my fingers in and out of my pussy and rubbed my clit faster and faster.  I loved watching her eyes as I licked my juices from my fingers.   Her hand was lightly brushing my arm back and forth and at one point I grabbed Donna’s hand and squeezed it as I was getting closer to climax.   Now I was holding her hand with one hand, and fingering myself with the other.   I loved the feeling of her being so close to me while I masturbated.  I loved that Mike was watching, and yes, I even loved that John was watching.  Having all these eyes on me, fully exposed and vulnerable all in an environment that felt safe, was all that I dreamed it would be.  I don’t know if John and/or Mike planned for Donna to do more than hold my hand.  We didn’t have time to find out as my orgasm was building quickly and then I yelled out, “oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeaaaahhhh.”

I laid there for a minute or two, naked on their couch as I caught my breath.  Donna continued to stroke my arm.  I was very comfortable and still was “getting off” by having them all stare at me, naked on the couch.  But as more time went on it was starting to get awkward.  This “what’s next” that no one wanted to ask.  Several more minutes went by and I had to pee so I got up to go to the bathroom.  I wasn’t sure if I should just stay naked or not but I  grabbed my clothes and went to the bathroom.  Mike stopped me and said, “Jen, leave your clothes here.”   So off I went, walking through their house naked.

In the bathroom my mind was thinking about what may be in store for that night.  Would we venture into threesome/foursome land? Swapping?  Sex with a woman?  Would Mike want to try out some of their equipment?  Would I be willing to actually go through with whatever Mike was thinking?  I was not “for” some of these things but I left the restroom committed to seeing through whatever was in store for us that night.

AFTER THE SHOW
I walked out of the bathroom and Mike asked me to go ahead and put my pants on, but leave my top off.  I don’t know if I was happy or saddened by this.  So there I was sitting with my boobs out and then we talked about what just happened.  They asked me how I liked it and of course they said they loved it too.  I told Donna I caught a look of despair when John said he would allow me masturbate.  Donna said it was all good, no despair, just shock.  She joked that given all of her and John’s kink’s that this would not have been a shock, but as kinky as they are, they had never had anything remotely like this happen before.  Like Mike and I, they kept their kinks to each other.

Funny but no one was talking sex.  The conversation went on to whatever mundane thing was going on in the news or sports or something like that.  At one point I finally said something about why I was the only one with my top off.  John then told Donna to remove hers.  She did, and yes they were as beautiful as I thought they would be.  Although we both had our tops off there really wasn’t a sexual spark in the air.  Although I was the only one to orgasm there was still this post-sexual relaxed vibe going on.  A little tit titillation was about all we could handle.  So we hung about another two hours with Donna and I bare breasted.   Nothing further happened, sexually speaking.   At least that night.

Next – 21. Hubby read my posts.  Ouch!

15. My first Day. 100 spankings of thanks.

There’s a lot of detail I want to share about my first punishment.  It will help you understand a typical day, plus there were a lot of extra emotions and issues that come with it being the first time I would be punished.  Also,  you may have to read my blog about the contract to understand some terms I use.

Mike and I tried to prepare ourselves for the first Reward Ceremony.  We talked about it and I imagined it as being extremely orderly and precise.  I had a lot of confidence in what I painstakingly thought through and that we agreed upon.  At this time all my doubts were on his ability to deliver the Rewards and no doubts about my ability to accept them.  I was ready, but questioned his readiness.

Day 1.
Usual morning.  Mike gets up before me and is off to work about the time our son is waking up, which is typically my cue to wake up.  Yes, I don’t make Mike breakfast – that was never our dynamic. My DD is about being more accountable to what was important to me and to us and not about finding more shit for me to do.

Mike’s office is close to the house and he sometimes works all or some days from home.  This morning he was going into the office but planned to be back for lunch. Our son would be away at school.

Mike comes home just before noon.  All is “normal.”  I share with him a story of something that happened that morning at breakfast, and suddenly he says,

Go to your room.”
I was stunned.  I stood their baffled and said, “What?”
He calmly repeated.  “Go to your room.”

Again, I am clueless and all these thoughts raced through my head. What the hell did I do? Is this all a mistake, because if Mike can just make shit up, this isn’t going to work.  OMG, I am going to get spanked and everything I thought this was going to do for us was a mirage and all this time and energy was a waste and OMG, I am going to get spanked.

“uh, wha…uh, uh… okay,” I muttered, keeping those thoughts to myself as I walked towards our room.

I am not a big crier, but I found myself crying as I walked to our room.  It was out of disappointment that this whole DD idea that I had invested so much time and energy in and had so much high hopes for, was not just off to a bad start, but was never going to work.  However, the one calming factor in that moment was that Mike was calm.  This gave me some reassurance that I needed to trust him.  I also started to feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself as the night before I was doubting Mike on his ability to follow through and was very arrogant in my ability to do so.  Now here I was with all the doubts and hesitations, not even knowing what I did and he was calm and resolved.

I was still sobbing as I undressed and stood in the corner.  Mike didn’t come in for about five minutes, which felt like an eternity.

Mike broke “protocol” a bit by trying to comfort me since I was crying.  He asked if I wanted to proceed.  I feebly told him “yes, please, let’s do this,” and reassured him that it was just nerves.

He called me over and I stood before him and he asked me why we were there.   I honestly did not know. I was simply sharing a story about that morning, and now here we are.  Damn, does he remember that not knowing my Transgression is grounds for Additional Rewards?

Mike then explained that I had not been honest in my story.
“What, what are you talking about?”  I couldn’t help myself and blurted that out.

Mike pointed out something I said at the beginning of the story and something I said at the end.  To summarize, I started my story by characterizing what happened as being a “huge” ordeal that made a “massive” mess.  At the end of my story Mike asked me if it took a long time to clean up.  I said, no, it was just a little mess.  So, here we are in the room and Mike rhetorically asked, “Which one was it, was it a huge mess all over everything, or just a little one?”

He now lectured me.  He was very calm and matter of fact.  He reminded me that I specifically asked for help with my “embellishments.” I recognized I had that bad habit when telling stories.  While I felt my motives were pure, I knew it caused some friends and family to not always believe me.  Thus, I had specifically put “embellishment” in the Honesty clause.  Wow, there it was.  Mike called it perfectly, just as I had hoped the night before.

But I kept crying.  However, my emotions shifted to tears of relief, hope, and vindication for all the work I put into this, and sadness for doubting Mike, and love for Mike’s resolve and love for me to see this through.  In an instant I went from doubting DD to once again feeling like DD still held promise.

Now Mike said there was still more Transgressions and asked if I recalled them.  I realized there were three. The embellishment, the questioning of him, and the not recognizing the reason he called me to our room.   I eagerly recited them.

No, there are five,” Mike responded.  “You talked back and hesitated when I first told you to go to the room.” 

Okay, I remembered those now, so I said, “I see. Those two make it five.”

He joked, “Well, I was just counting the talking back and hesitation as one, but technically it is two. Tell you what, for first time sake, we’ll just have that count as one.  There is still one more.  The bed’s not made.”

Crap, I hadn’t even noticed.  We have a long standing “ritual” that the last one out of bed has to make it.  While it wasn’t explicit in the contract, it definitely fell under the cleanliness clause.  Wow, Mike wasn’t missing anything.

I gave my apology for not living up to the standards I set for myself and told him I would gladly accept the Reward he is about to give me.  That statement ends with, “Please give me my Reward now.”
I have vivid memories of the first time I said it as part of a Reward.  It had a lot more power to it than I imaged it would.  It was like a statement of having pride of ownership.  Yes, I messed up.  Yes, I didn’t act as I wished I had.  Yes, give me my reward as I asked for it.  In saying the words my tears began to dry up as I was no longer nervous.

He pulled out a chair, sat down, and I laid across his lap.  We fumbled a bit to find the right position that was comfortable for him and that kept my balance.  It was a bit comedic, and the comedy relief helped even more to calm the nerves.  He lectured me a bit more, recapping what brought us here.  He was spot in in his lecture and really showed me he was listening to all the things I said were important to me.  He didn’t lecture me on my actions, but that what brought us here was not fulfilling the commitments I made to myself.  Mike was handling it like a “pro.”

Here come the warm-up swats.
The 10 warm up swats came in rapid succession but I can recall my thoughts in the half-seconds between them.  My thoughts went something like this:

Swat!  The first one made me jump, not because it was particularly hard, but I just didn’t know what to expect.  My body said “flinch” but my mind was like, “that wasn’t’ anything.”

Swat!  Okay, just a little flinching this time, and still in the nanosecond before the next one my mind was still saying, “That wasn’t anything.”

Swat!  Swat!  Swat!   No flinching anymore, but I was beginning to understand it.  Spanks were sort of a cumulative thing.  They still didn’t hurt, per se, but I could feel a little bit more sting.

Swat! Swat! Swat!   Hey, that does sting a little.

Swat! Swat!   Okay, so, a little sting and some increased sensation to my butt, but not bad.   I guess that’s why these are called warm ups.

Here come the Reward Swats
My mind began to race with what would be next.  Five Transgressions including Obedience Transgressions which we agreed should be dealt with more significantly.  Mike didn’t say what the Reward was (he doesn’t have to).  Was I going to get just a lot of Common Rewards, an escalated Reward, or gulp, an Intense Reward on my first Ceremony?   After all, no one was home and he didn’t have to rush to work, so, we could be here a while.  The not knowing was more of a punishment than the warm up was.  And since this was our first one, it would be setting the precedent for others to come.  Surely it wouldn’t start out as Intense?

Swat!   Flinch.  “Oww”   Wow, first one was a stinger.
Swat! Swat! Swat!   Flinching with each one and by now had a grimace on my face and my jaw clenched.

“Relax” Mike said, as I was also clenching my butt.

Then about five more swats in and my flinching increased and I started to cry again.

“Try to be still or you’ll fall off my lap” he said, continuing to swat away.

While the spankings were having a cumulative effect with each one stinging more than the prior one, my crying wasn’t about the physical sensations.  Physically this was uncomfortable, but bearable.  I think it was a release of emotions from all that went through my mind the previous ten minutes or so and I did feel shame.

Mike slowed his pace but kept spanking me.  At one point he paused and I sensed my crying was influencing him.  I broke protocol by talking, but hey, it was our first time at this and he had already broken it a few times.  I blabbered something like, “Do as we talked about, I love you.”

He resumed the swats.  I hadn’t kept count, but it seemed like a long time.   It was odd but I stopped flinching much and my sobs decreased along the way, but my ass was stinging more and more.

He stopped and asked me to stand.

“Wow,” I thought to myself, “that felt like close to 100.”   Turned out it was 50 – basically 10 per Transgression.  So with the warm ups, my first Reward Ceremony was 60 spanks.

We embraced until I fully stopped sobbing.  He did ask if I was okay and I told him I was fine, in fact, I was so happy that he did exactly as we talked about.  I apologized for not making it easy on him with the arguing and crying.  He reminded me that no specific apologies are ever needed or expected at this point in our Ceremony.  I reassured him I was not crying over any physical pain and the tears were all positive. He said “All is forgiven.”  I replied, “All is forgiven.”  And that concluded our first Reward Ceremony.

POST-REWARD
I got dressed, washed up, and walked out of the bedroom with an amazing feeling.  A rebirth, a reawakening, and a redemption. I was refreshed and recharged.  I don’t know what all chemically was going on in my body, but it felt good.  Mike greeted my entrance with a quick kiss and we sat down and had lunch.  He said he was going to log on from home for a bit, but would have to return to the office in a few hours.  He went to his home office and that was that – all as if nothing happened, just as I had hoped.  The issue was settled, it was done.  Life moves on.

I had this amazingly energy, and went about accomplishing the things I needed to do that afternoon. I was loving life!

MORE TO COME ON DAY 1
I was sitting at the computer when Mike came out of his home office and said he had to go back into to work. He went to the kitchen to grab a soda and then suddenly I hear

“Hey Jen, please come here.”

Hum, while it was very calm and polite, it was direct.  Normally it would be, “can you please come here.”   I was wondering what was up and quickly found out.   Immediately upon walking into the kitchen, Mike says,

“Drop your pants.

Oh crap, I saw it.  I left various trash out around the kitchen counters. I had specifically reminded Mike that I wanted him to hold me accountable if I left the kitchen without throwing my trash away.  It took a second for me to mentally process the fact he was calling for an Immediate Reward.   We had talked about how Immediate Rewards can be effective by having them administered “at the scene” of the Transgression by tying my presence in the location to the memory of the Reward.  As I unbuttoned by pants I actually smiled a little as I was proud again of Mike in seeing this through, and that this time I recognized the Transgression.   The only negative thought I had was, “what would this feel like after already been spanked 60 times.”

As I unbuttoned and pulled down my pants and panties, it bought me a few seconds to take a quick glance at the several nearby windows.  There was one in particular where the angle would have to be just right, but a neighbor could potentially see my exposed ass and spanking if he happened to be in the right spot in his yard.  I didn’t say anything and stuck with our agreement bent over and held the edge of the counter as Mike instructed me.

Swat! Mike gave 10 rapid and firm spanks.  The last 4 or so really stung.  I made grunt-like sounds towards the end.  No crying this time.  He asked me why I earned the Reward and I confidently and correctly answered.  I apologized and Mike then gave me the second-half of the Immediate Reward.

Swat!  10 more in rapid succession.  This time all but the first few really stung and I actually got out an “ow” or two near the end.   He asked me to pull my pants up.  We embraced and followed our After Care process and ended with “all is forgiven.”   He gave me a kiss and left for work.

I went on with my afternoon with the same exuberance and energy I had prior to the Immediate Reward and this time with added pride that we flawlessly executed a Reward on the first day.  In addition, my butt was now a little sensitive.  I felt more confident than ever that we were on the right track.

The Toothpaste Cap.
The rest of the afternoon and evening was fairly typical with the exception of my high energy.  I got so much done that day regarding errands and housework.   I even reorganized my closet.  One uncommon thing was that Mike called me on his way home to ask if I wanted him to pick us up some dinner.  I was used to calling him anytime I didn’t feel like cooking to ask him if he wanted to cook or pick something up, but he never called me first.  I’ll accept it was out of guilt if that’s what you think, but I opt to accept it as just being thoughtful, and was the first of many such thoughtful things he would routinely begin to do.

Our evening progressed normally.  That night I got ready for bed before him and was laying in the bed making my first journal entry when he came in.  I heard Mike turn on the shower but then he poked his head out from the bathroom door and asked me to come to him.  I already knew that look.  It was the same look as the “kitchen incident” that afternoon.   I went into the bathroom and immediately knew.  There was a big dollop of hand cream that I dropped on the sink counter, I left my brush out, there was a lot of water all over the counter.  Yikes, I didn’t clean up after myself.  Mike administered another Immediate Reward there in the bathroom.

He asked me to drop my pajamas and panties.  He had me grab my ankles this time versus holding on to the counter, and, he grabbed the hairbrush.

Smack!  Smack!  Smack!   The hairbrush made a higher-pitched smacking sound compared to his hand, and while the first couple smacks were fine, I really felt some major stings by the third.  I was saying “ow” louder and louder with each one.

I was about to say my safe word to have him pause, but I just made it to 10 and then he stopped.  He asked me why I earned my reward, and I was able to accurately explain the mess I left.  Mike added, “Oh yeah, and I can’t find the toothpaste cap.”  I made my apology and he lectured me a bit and explained the hairbrush was used because this was the second time my transgression was about tidiness that day and it was one of the things I didn’t put away.  He then gave me the second-half of the Immediate Reward, but fortunately he used his hands.

Swat! Swat!  They didn’t sting as much as the hair brush but they hurt more than the ones from the morning.  By the end I was taking deep breathes to keep my composure.  Finally the 10th swat with his hand and it was over.  It was now after care and “all is forgiven.”   He took his shower and I cleaned up and went back to journaling.

I always remember how that day ended in a Reward because although it played a minor role, I like to jokingly trivialize that memory as the toothpaste cap incident.

Final Reflections
That night when I journaled, I recognized how that day would have gone prior to DD.

  • Had Mike called me out as embellishing, I would take it as if he was calling me a liar.
    Result = Argument
  • Had Mike complained about me not making the bed, I would resent being called lazy.
    Result = Argument.
  • Had Mike complained about the toothpaste lid, I would have called him petty and mean.
    Result = Argument.

What would I have written if this day occurred Pre-DD, and what did I actually write?

Pre DD:   “What a pissy ending to a pissy day.  Several heated arguments with Mike.  I resent this and I resent that…. I am so mad…. I hated today.

Actual:  Peace, contentment, and love between Mike and I.  I accomplished so much today and have an increased awareness to avoid embellishments, do my chores, and keep things clean.  All great steps towards being the person I want to be for myself and my family.  I loved today.  

And I had 100 spankings to thank for that.

Next: 16. Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies

13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”

In setting out to blog my plan was to share my approach to DD.  I have now done that. Now what?

WHAT TO EXPECT FROM MY POSTS
I  plan to post some experiences that were significant milestones towards once again loving life, every moment and every day since beginning our DD journey.

MY STYLE?
Not sure.  Blogging may bring out a different side of me.  I sense people like salacious details, like a steamy sexually charged romance novel, but I am not wired to write that way.  Not that I won’t, but it just isn’t a default for me to write like that.  If you already haven’t figured it out, I tend to be more “performance based” in my thinking – Sharing what my motivation was, what I was thinking, what I intended, what the outcome was.

So, instead of,  “I blinked my eyes into focus to dry away the forming tears as the sting of the paddle bit hard into my ass such that I had to catch my breath, eliciting both regret and euphoria while my throbbing nipples called to me for relief…”
I will tend to say, “I was surprised that in addition to some pain, my spanking delivered a certain degree of pleasure…but damn, those nipple clips can hurt”

I’ll try to keep in mind that people like to visualize the emotion, versus just hearing me state the emotion.   

I will address one more thing here and one more on another post today.

DO I HAVE BLOGGING RULES AS PART OF MY DD?

Yes and no.  I do have an obligation to journal daily, but no obligation to blog.  We established that blogging is not journaling and while I blog I still am subject to the terms of our DD Agreement.

I especially have to be honest and safe, and like any pursuit it can not interfere with my Duties and Obligations.  So, honesty means I must be truthful in my posts, and not embellish – which is something reinforced by my very first Reward which perhaps will become Story #1 that I will share later.  Safety means I had to be safe with our personal information.  Mike did agree I could use our real first names.  Someone who knows us who finds our blog might reasonably suspect it is about us, but we figure the chances are low and it would be an innocent way for us to “come out” to them (which we have done to one set of friends already.  Perhaps that is story #2?).

Mike can read my posts, although thus far he says he hasn’t had the time but does plan to do so.  I can’t wait to hear his comments.

Next – 14. Year One Reflections, the Good, the Bad, and the growing Sexual Subtext

9. So…like a spanking?

So…Mike has asked me what type of punishments I was talking about.  I purposely didn’t want to talk specifics.  I didn’t want the focus to be on punishments. I wanted the focus to be on my duties and obligations and the outcome.  But I knew the punishment had to be addressed.  It is the most salacious, intriguing and shocking thing of DD.  I had to come up with something to say that would satisfy him for now, but wouldn’t get us into the details.

Again I went into the mode of focusing on the outcome, not the specifics. While still avoiding the “S” word, my answer was, “Well, we should both agree on what a good punishment is. Of course, it has to be something unpleasant in order to be a deterrent as well as a reminder to do better.   It could be physical punishments at times as well as non-physical consequences depending on what we agree upon.”

With that, he said the word for the first time…”So, like a spanking?”    When he said that I felt a great release, similar to what I felt when I surrender to the idea of being spanked.  There it was, out in the open.   The thing that I was still uncertain about but felt was necessary. The thing that I was most worried about both in his acceptance of giving spankings and my willingness to receive them.

Having heard the words and seeing Mike remaining calm and feeling confident in the progress of our conversation, I confidently responded, “Yes, spankings should be part of it.”  He then asked, “Well, what else besides spankings.”

I explained that the intent is not to humiliate me, it is to keep me focused and to get me to perform as a person, a mother, and a wife the way that I want to perform, not the way he necessarily wants me to perform.  In fact, what he wants must match what I want for myself.  It isn’t him punishing me for failing to do what he thinks is right, it is only for failing to do what I committed to doing.  So while it cannot humiliate, there should be an element of discomfort so that I will be motivated to avoid that discomfort in the future.  So, with that, I told him I think spankings are definitely in order, and at other times it could mean a time out….going to our bedroom to be alone or stand in a corner.

I told him we didn’t have to figure all of that out right now, and I know this was lot to process.  I shared that I have been reading about this type of lifestyle and we should read some stuff together.  From there I suggested we both understand the pros and cons and get an idea on how we will incorporate this in our lives.  Note that I said “will incorporate…”  Remember, I am in charge and I am used to getting what I want.  I also wanted him to know I was very serious and I didn’t want to use any words that sounded like I was unsure.  It was only then that I shared the term with him and explained it is often called “Domestic Discipline.”

I was relieved the conversation did not linger on the details of punishment.  Instead he moved on and asked why I thought this would be good for me and he apologized for not doing anything to address my stress levels (remember, I told you Mike was a good guy). He said he will gladly do whatever I felt would help me but he asked me why I thought this was the best way.

I shared some of those things I already shared in this blog about my thought process and more.  I told him I very much wanted to surrender myself to him because I loved and trusted him, and I felt it would allow me to be the person I want to be for myself, for my kids, and for him.  I felt anything short of this type of surrender would not work.

He asked many of the same questions I already asked myself.  I had to reassure him I was completely willing to be punished by him and I expect it to be unpleasant, but that is the point, and that is what I want.  He said he was on-board with figuring this out with me.
It was clear that Mike truly cared about my feelings and wasn’t going to jump into anything this drastic without understanding that it is something I very much wanted to do.

I quickly showed him the duties and obligations I had written for myself as I was eager to share them.  We then went to online and together read through a bunch of stuff I had bookmarked for us.  After talking through many different issues over about three or four days, we got to a basic agreement on what our approach was going to be.  Now, it was very important that we commit, in writing, to how our DD lifestyle was going to work.

NEXT – 10. My Approach to our DD Contract!