Tag Archives: cdd

106. Wandering of Thoughts

wanderthought

When I wrote this I realized I had a potpourri of a wandering of thoughts with some scintillating sizzle of spankings and sex.  As it was long winded, I broke it into two posts, because if you are like me, you prefer to read shorter posts (which means you don’t prefer many of my posts!).  Hey, I am trying to keep the reader in mind.  

WANDERING OF THOUGHTS
I figured out that being accountable for Kayla’s submission doesn’t equate to me being a Dom.  My duties in that matter are a combination of my submission to Mike and my love for Kayla.   My actions, even when ordering, reprimanding, or spanking Kayla, are at the behest of Mike.  In addition, I want to see Kayla flourish as she looks for the level of submission that works for her.  The three of us have a mutual understanding regarding my role and we are not naïve to the fact that we can’t fully understand it until we live it for more than just one week.  Over time, Kayla may need more or less of me, or I may need more or less accountability of her, or Mike’s needs can even change – which leads me to opine about one of the roles of a Dom, at least from my perspective.

It was commented on one of my posts that there is a perception the life of a dom is being fed grapes and receiving endless blowjobs.  We haven’t done the grapes thing, but, yes, I am sure Mike considers the bj’s as fringe benefits.  However, as the saying goes, “With great power comes great responsibility.”    That definitely applies to a Dom, so such benefits come with great responsibility.  In other words, “With great BJ’s comes great responsibility!”  Yes, I consider myself great at it and from what I’ve seen, Kayla is great too. In fact, I think I finally realized that from a guys perspective, there is no such thing as a bad bj. . . I digress.

Swift Adjudication of the Situation
In my role with Kayla, I was surprised how my mind races in the moment that I need to do something Dom-like.  Kayla transgresses and my mind starts firing off ideas like, “Say this… no, wait, say that… no that’s not it, do this…no wait, not that either, try that.”   I know this results in a weak delivery of whatever I end up saying or doing.  One thing I enjoy in my submissiveness is Mike’s quick and firm adjudication of a situation (that has a nice alliterative ring to it!).   I can imagine how disappointing it is to Kayla when I fumble for the right action to take. 

JUST DO IT
I’ve talked about this with both Mike and Kayla.  In some ways it is a turnabout of Kayla’s issue of not being able to articulate her feelings, except for me, it is not being able to articulate dominance.  The solution is the same as what we have encouraged Kayla to do.  Like the Nike slogan, “Just do it.”   Set loose the first idea that comes to mind and go with it in confidence.    Don’t worry about the perfect solution, as the best solution is the one that comes quickly and boldly, regardless what it is.  If I do go too far or not far enough, we can calibrate at a Maintenance Session.

“Tramatize me!?!” Uh, no. 
This experience has made me realize what Mike had to go through when we first started Domestic Discipline and even what he is going through now with Kayla.   He has to make an educated guess on how to react. Like with me, with Kayla he would rather err on the side of too little, and work his way up to meet her needs.  That is preferable than risking traumatizing her by going too far.   We’ve all three talked about this and Kayla’s response was a bold, “Then traumatize me and I’ll tell you when it’s gone too far!”  I reminded her that while that may help find her limits faster, it is not worth the price of knowing we did that to her.  Plus, it isn’t just about what she is able to “take,” it is also about what we are willing to deliver.  It may sound good to her, but such trauma has both physical and emotional consequences for her.  We told her to just trust us and that we will get to her limits in a safe way.

There have been many conversations with the three of us as well as just between Mike and Kayla regarding what she is looking for in her submission.   Mike and I agree that just because she is asking for greater consequences doesn’t mean that is what is best for her.  Mike and I have both adopted a slow escalation of things to ensure we don’t go too far, too fast.  Mike communicated this to Kayla and while she accepted it, it was clear this was not her preference.

A Respite from Meanie!
Mike has definitely adopted a “meaner” tone with Kayla than with me.  He is not callous, uncaring, or malicious.  He is just much more stern and exact in what he requires of her.  I admittedly have a hard time doing that.  It would be easy to say it just isn’t in my nature, but it isn’t in Mike’s either.  He is simply adjusting to what Kayla has communicated regarding her needs. 

My biggest fear is that if Kayla is getting the same “mean” treatment from both of us, where is her respite?  I think it is important for her to have someone close to her that she can confide in that has nothing to do with her being a submissive.  Sort of like how I have Donna for that.   Note that by “confide” I do not mean share things with someone that she doesn’t share with us.  That is against our rules.  We share everything regarding our thoughts and feelings.  It is more about having a different sounding board to help one sort through their thoughts.  We would still close the loop and share any new insights or conclusions.  

As a result of this discussion, Kayla said she had a close friend that she would be willing to confide in if it was agreeable to us.  Kayla has a good friend, we will call F, who is a gay man she met in college and has known for four years.   They are close, and have gone to parties, concerts and road trips to together.  We have met him once, which really isn’t enough to earn our confidence, however, we trust Kayla in that if she feels he is trustworthy, then fine by us.  Thus, Kayla talked to F and shared some of what is going on.  She’ll reveal more to him over time.  Apparently his initial reaction was positive and Kayla said “he is cool with it.” 

With F as the designated “respite care giver”, Kayla jokingly said, “Okay, Ma’am, so you see, you can be mean to me too!”   Ug!  I told her that I would do my best..or is it my worst?… but that she must remember she always has the power to stop things.  We created a safewords of sorts for her to use to tell me that she needs me to just be “Mrs. H” and not Ma’am.  She just needs to say she needs “Mrs. H.”

NEXT: 107. OUR NEW NORMAL? Sizzle, Spankings, Sex?

20. Putting on a Show (masturbation)

Meet my neighbors
We’ve become good friends with our neighbors, John and Donna (not real names). They are 6-7 years younger than Mike and I and already empty nesters.   We never sensed a dominant/submissive dynamic between them, but we did feel John was domineering and Donna was passive.  We were naive.

Donna and I are good friends; shopping, talking, and the occasional girl’s night out. All four of us go out on occasions, dinner at each other’s house, watch movies or sporting events, barbecue, and stuff like that.  We all hit it off, despite my thinking that John is a bit of an ass.  While Donna is able to do things with me, there is always the “I’ll check with John first” or “I need to be home by 10.”  A constant list of rules or restrictions because “John said.”  I took note that it was never a “John asked.”  I knew John kept Donna on a metaphorical tight leash.

John and Donna were always very comfortable in their interactions when we were around them.  I never sensed anything too out of the ordinary, so again, I chalked it up to John being a bit of an ass.  Occasionally Donna and  I would talk about our sex lives.  She seemed extremely happy and highly complementary of John and it all sounded pretty ordinary.  She never had any experience with another girl, as I learned after sharing with her stories of my college experiences.

DD opened my eyes to the world of dominant/submissive relationships.  Suddenly, things I noticed about John and Donna took on a different context in my mind.  It clicked – I bet they’ve got some sort of sub/dom thing going on!  Either that, or John is just an ass.

SHARING OUR SECRET
I was itching to share my DD lifestyle with someone and Donna was the right person, plus now I thought she might actually relate.   I figured even if I misread these signals that she was still someone I felt comfortable confiding in.  I asked Mike for permission to do just that, and while there were some reservations, Mike agreed that I could.

I confided in Donna.  Her reaction was calm but with some giddiness and heightened energy.  She asked a lot of questions and even wanted to see my contract.  She was highly intrigued and I remember her saying “wow” a lot.  I asked her if her and John had any sort of arrangement about her being submissive.  She said no, but her answer seemed insincere.  I didn’t press the issue.

The next day she came over during the day (she works part-time) and shared with me that indeed, her and John live a type of d/s lifestyle that was more master/slave.  To me it sounded like their own mix of DD with some religious CDD overtones (Christian Domestic Discipline) but also with a dash of BDSM.  A potpourri of D/s relationships!   It didn’t share much in common with what Mike and I did, however, the common ground was that we both forged out our own unique form of an D/s relationship.

Donna said she didn’t tell me the day before because she had to get John’s permission first.  Both of them had always wanted to open up to someone about their lifestyle so now was the perfect opportunity.  Amazingly, we had neighbors into an alternative lifestyle that was somewhat like ours.

THE SHOW!
That evening we got a sitter and Mike and I went over to their house for dinner as the boys had lots of questions and we all wanted to talk. We talked openly and matter-of-factly about various facets of our D/s, DD, or whatever-label-you-want lifestyle.  It was liberating to ask and answer such personal, detailed questions and get and give such revealing and honest answers without any judgement.

While John seemed respectful of our differences, he did seem to feel superior to Mike in that he had a lot more control over Donna than Mike had of me.  John then said something that seemed to challenge Mike’s “rule” over me.  I don’t remember exactly what it was other than it was playful, not spiteful, but was still a dick thing to say.  And Mike, being fully aware of the sexual desires he and I shared (see Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies) he saw an opportunity to quiet John down and fulfill a desire that both he and I had.

Mike calmly asked me, “Jenny, why don’t you ask John for permission to masturbate for them?” 

It took me a second to process what he was saying as I just didn’t expect it.  I talked a good game, but now it just got real.  Would Donna be comfortable?  Would I be comfortable in front of John?  Also, I learned from Donna that day before that her and John never had threesomes or couples or anything other than monogamous sex (same as Mike and I).  I wasn’t sure what John may think of this or where he might think this could be heading…or what Mike had in mind.  But in the flash of the second that those things ran through my mind, I also was more than happy to oblige this shared fantasy that Mike and I had regarding me masturbating for a group, albeit a small one.

“John,” I asked as calmly as if I was asking to borrow a pen, “if you’ll allow it, I would like to masturbate right here for you and Donna.”

John looked over at Donna and then looked back at me and said, “I’ll allow it.”

I remember looking at Donna and she didn’t seemed pleased.  Understand that Donna is gorgeous, very physically fit and awesome body and firm breasts.  If anyone should feel inadequate about their body, it was me… a bit chubby and 3-kids-later-saggy-boobs. Certainly she wouldn’t be jealous, but maybe she thought John would make her go next or perhaps this just wasn’t her thing?   Maybe she didn’t like the idea of someone doing something sexually lurid in front of their husband?   Oh well, too late to stop now.

I walked over to the couch and sat down.  I asked them to take a seat, and Mike sat at one end of the couch as Donna and John sat in a love-seat nearby.  I started rubbing my breasts and pussy on the outside of my clothes.  I then tucked one hand under my shirt and bra and fondled a breast with one hand, while the other plucked open my button-fly jeans.  I slid one hand down my pants and played with myself until I was good and wet.  I stood up and pulled my pants and panties off.  I unbuttoned my shirt to expose my bra and sat back down.  As one hand worked on my pussy, the other one pulled back my bra to expose one breast.  Knowing they were all watching was as exhilarating as I dreamed.  I really loved the attention and the orgasmic feelings began to quickly swell as I pulled hard on my nipples and sunk my fingers deep inside my pussy.  I would frequently open my eyes to see the reaction and make eye contact.  The eye contact was hotter than hell!  I loved looking into their eyes as they watched me.  John had a huge grin, Donna’s look of disapproval seemed to be gone as her eyes were big along with a sly smile, and Mike was clearly loving it too.

I would lick my fingers as I would alternate which hand was on my pussy and which one was on my boobs.  I stopped briefly to take off my shirt and bra and quietly mumbled, “I hope you’re enjoy this as much as I am.”  I was now completely naked on their couch.  Although everyone’s eyes said continue, I felt it necessary to ask Donna a question.

“Donna, may I continue?”

As soon as I said it I was concerned that perhaps I broke their personal etiquette by asking Donna for permission and not John.   Donna didn’t miss a beat and said, “I would like you to continue if John allows it.”

John’s reply was, “Yes, continue, but, Mike, please move over to give Jenny more room, and Donna, I want you to go over to the couch and sit down next her.”  I thought this was about to go up a notch and hoped Donna is ready.  I was pretty sure I was.

John directed Donna to sit at the head of the couch and he asked me to just put my head in her lap and continue.  I looked over at Mike as I wasn’t sure if this was going somewhere we didn’t want it to.  Mike simply got up and sat down in a chair and said, “Works for me.”  So, I put my head in her lap and continued on playing with myself.

It was amazing to look up in Donna’s eyes while I moved my fingers in and out of my pussy and rubbed my clit faster and faster.  I loved watching her eyes as I licked my juices from my fingers.   Her hand was lightly brushing my arm back and forth and at one point I grabbed Donna’s hand and squeezed it as I was getting closer to climax.   Now I was holding her hand with one hand, and fingering myself with the other.   I loved the feeling of her being so close to me while I masturbated.  I loved that Mike was watching, and yes, I even loved that John was watching.  Having all these eyes on me, fully exposed and vulnerable all in an environment that felt safe, was all that I dreamed it would be.  I don’t know if John and/or Mike planned for Donna to do more than hold my hand.  We didn’t have time to find out as my orgasm was building quickly and then I yelled out, “oh yeah, oh yeah, oh yeaaaahhhh.”

I laid there for a minute or two, naked on their couch as I caught my breath.  Donna continued to stroke my arm.  I was very comfortable and still was “getting off” by having them all stare at me, naked on the couch.  But as more time went on it was starting to get awkward.  This “what’s next” that no one wanted to ask.  Several more minutes went by and I had to pee so I got up to go to the bathroom.  I wasn’t sure if I should just stay naked or not but I  grabbed my clothes and went to the bathroom.  Mike stopped me and said, “Jen, leave your clothes here.”   So off I went, walking through their house naked.

In the bathroom my mind was thinking about what may be in store for that night.  Would we venture into threesome/foursome land? Swapping?  Sex with a woman?  Would Mike want to try out some of their equipment?  Would I be willing to actually go through with whatever Mike was thinking?  I was not “for” some of these things but I left the restroom committed to seeing through whatever was in store for us that night.

AFTER THE SHOW
I walked out of the bathroom and Mike asked me to go ahead and put my pants on, but leave my top off.  I don’t know if I was happy or saddened by this.  So there I was sitting with my boobs out and then we talked about what just happened.  They asked me how I liked it and of course they said they loved it too.  I told Donna I caught a look of despair when John said he would allow me masturbate.  Donna said it was all good, no despair, just shock.  She joked that given all of her and John’s kink’s that this would not have been a shock, but as kinky as they are, they had never had anything remotely like this happen before.  Like Mike and I, they kept their kinks to each other.

Funny but no one was talking sex.  The conversation went on to whatever mundane thing was going on in the news or sports or something like that.  At one point I finally said something about why I was the only one with my top off.  John then told Donna to remove hers.  She did, and yes they were as beautiful as I thought they would be.  Although we both had our tops off there really wasn’t a sexual spark in the air.  Although I was the only one to orgasm there was still this post-sexual relaxed vibe going on.  A little tit titillation was about all we could handle.  So we hung about another two hours with Donna and I bare breasted.   Nothing further happened, sexually speaking.   At least that night.

Next – 21. Hubby read my posts.  Ouch!