87. And there it was.

This post shares a very cathartic moment in my life.   Sorry for the length of the post, but I felt it was important to detail each step that led to the catharsis because perhaps it wouldn’t have been possible if not for the events that led up to it.

I mentioned that with John away, at times John required Donna to be subject to all my “house” rules regarding submission, and at other times had her adhere to her own usual rules, with Mike serving in place of John in the execution of those rules.

DONNA’S INTENSE MONTHLY MAINTENANCE
John and Donna have a routine of an intense monthly maintenance at the first of each month.  I’ve mentioned before that John and Donna are a bit more BDSM in TTWD than Mike and I.  Donna looks forward to these sessions, counting down the days as a month draws to a close.  She said the intensity of them was like an “emotional dump” of all her negative feelings and anxieties.  She said she was really looking forward to November’s session to purge away any remaining negative feelings that linger regarding her having to follow my rules.

While I accept that pain can do that for her and for other people, it doesn’t quite do that for me.  At best I enjoy the pain of my punishments, and at worst, I simply tolerate them.  While the pain does give me a release, I find plenty of release from a moderate amount of pain, thus no need to intensify it.  I also find release simply in the act of submission, even when no pain is involved.   Thus, while I can relate to a sense of purging negative emotions through pain, for me if the punishment gets intense it doesn’t take long for that purge to cross over into just plain old intolerable and unacceptable pain.  I guess I am just not wired to find pleasure that way, just as I am sure many women are not wired to find pleasure in any one of my punishments that I enjoy.   In any event, I am happy for Donna that she enjoys this and finds it beneficial.

Each session they focus on different parts of the body.  This month it was her breasts.  Donna told me this was her favorite because she bruises the most and the tenderness lasts the longest compared to any other body part.  She said the visual and physical reminders that last for several weeks serve as reminders of her submission, giving her joy for those several weeks.

MIKE PERFORMS DONNA’S BREAST PUNISHMENT
As John was out on November 1, Mike had to administer her punishment.  Mike and Donna went over to her house to perform this while John skyped in to watch.  I wasn’t there as I stayed home with our son.

When Mike and Donna returned I just had to see what her tits looked like.  Donna showed me and for a brief moment I was shocked.  I was shocked with the extent of the bruising that was already apparent, shocked that Donna enjoyed this and looked forward to this, and shocked that Mike was responsible for delivering it.

The shock lasted only a few seconds.  My next reaction was that her breasts looked beautiful.  Beautiful because what it represented to her, not because what they represented to me.  I knew to her these were important symbols of her submission and made her feel complete, feel renewed, feel invigorated, and feel connected to John.   It also made me think, “I want that.”

I wondered if I would like a similar maintenance session?   Part of me wanted to submit to Mike in that way, but boy, it really looks like it hurt!  I don’t know if that is really for me.  There was still a part of me that wanted to give it a try

My breast punishments are mostly my nipple clamps, breast bindings, and tack bra.   There’s been some breast punishment but nothing too harsh or prolonged.  For some odd reason I wanted to see what level of pain would have to be inflicted in order for me to bruise.  I’ve never thought that way before about a punishment.  The goal has never been to inflict a given mark.  Sure, marks have happened, but not because they were the ultimate goal.   What kind of punishment would it be where I would be asking for a bruise?   I just couldn’t see asking for this, it was so different than any punishment.   It seemed contrary to what DD means to me.

However, part of DD is also to be open to exploration.  Explore my thoughts through sharing every thought with Mike, explore my sexuality through being open to act on my fantasies and Mike’s, and explore my boundaries regarding everything.  Thus, I could approach this outside any punishment or maintenance session and simply look at it as an experiment in testing boundaries.   So, I asked Mike if he would be willing to perform a similar punishment on me.

Mike asked me if I was wanting this out of any sense of jealously for him administering the punishment to Donna.  Wow, honestly, that never crossed my mind.  I told him I knew that it was important to Donna to stick as close to her routine as possible and I am happy I had a husband who was willing to help in doing that.  I felt a sense of pride that our DD was able to accommodate what Donna needed and that it served to further connect us with John and Donna.

Mike agreed to give me a similar session, but wanted to build the tension and anticipation and said it would be part of our maintenance session on Sunday (which is today).   In just the course of six days I saw Donna’s breasts go from the blue, to deep purple, and then to purple-yellow splotches as some of the bruising began to heal.  It made me anxious as Sunday drew near.  Could I really take it?

MY BREAST PUNISHMENT
We had my “normal” maintenance session and then Mike called Donna in to watch the “Maintenance Bonus” as we called it.  Mike got a wooden spoon to use as that is what he used on Donna.   He had me lay down on the bed and he got on his knees next to me on the bed.  He then proceeded to hit one breast four times in rapid succession, then the other.  It made me flinch something fierce but more out of an uncontrolled reflex than intolerable pain.   He had to put one arm just below my breast to help keep me in place and then gave four or five to each breast in rapid succession.   He then said that was just a warm up.

With quite a bit of force he hit one breast.  I had to grab the pillow and bury my head in it to muffle my moan.  He then hit the other.  Then again but this time two times per breast, then again but three times.  I then called, “Pause, pause, pause!!”  Our “yellow” safe word.

After I collected myself he resumed.  He did one per breast, followed by two per, then three, then four, then five, but before he could finish with the five I again called for “Pause.”  My face buried deeper into the pillows.  He asked me if I needed to stop.  He reminded me this was not a punishment, he is ready to stop whenever I am and that I don’t have to endure what Donna did.

For some reason I was at a point where I was telling myself I needed to find my pain threshold and that it was no longer about submission or fulfillment or pleasure or purging.  It was simply a battle with my will to endure pain and I wanted to challenge that will.

I told him to continue.  He repeated the one per, two per, three per, and got all the way through to five per breast.  I was crying, it hurt like hell.

I asked him how much more.   He said that maybe he was about a fourth of the way through.  That meant I had to endure everything I have already endured yet another three times.  I knew then that I was not going to make it through that, but I felt I came this far and that I could take just a little more.  I told myself I would never go down this path again as it was all just surreal and not like me, but that since I was here, I might as well push it as far as I could take it and I wasn’t quite there yet.

Mike started up again.  I don’t know how far he got but I soon called out “Mercy” (our “red” safe word).
It was over.

Many punishments come with a hodgepodge of emotions, but this one was different.  The pain overrode any joy and soon I started feeling ashamed.  Although Mike and Donna can’t read my feeling of shame, it then turned to embarrassed for feeling shameful.   I felt ridiculous.   Why did I ask for this?

AND THERE IT WAS!
Jealousy can come with an entourage of associates.  This allows it to hide more easily.   And even at that moment, while I recognized its’ presence, it had yet to fully reveal itself to me.

First, I saw that I was indeed jealous that Mike punished Donna.  Not in the act itself, but in that it was something so special, almost sacred, to Donna.  I then realized this was the second time in just a few weeks that I let jealousy and resentment cloud my judgement.  First in dealing with Kayla, then in dealing with this situation.

I should have listened to Mike when he questioned my feeling of jealously.  I should have explored that feeling more and perhaps I would have recognized it then.  I tend not to be a jealous person, so Mike wouldn’t have known to question me further and thus accepted my word.  I now shared with him that I need him to be more doubtful of my intentions when it comes to potential jealously, as for some reason I have become more prone to that emotion lately.

I apologized to Mike and to Donna for feeling jealous, and that I do want Mike to fill in for John while he is away and that I don’t want anything to change.  I told them I don’t sense the root of this has anything to do with TTWD or with TTWDWT (Those Things We Do With Them, hee hee, as in, with John and Donna). In fact, it then quickly came to me what the issue was.  Jealously had finally fully revealed itself.

JEALOUSLY FULLY REVEALED
I was feeling resentment towards the needs of my son.  I hate that about myself.  I love him dearly and will do anything to help him without hesitation.  But, I feel a bit jealous as I get closer to Kayla and see that she has so few constraints to her life day to day.  Then, with all the time spent with Donna and getting closer to her than ever, I realize that she too has far fewer responsibilities than I do.  Then there is the prognosis that this won’t ever change.  My son is likely to live with us for the rest of our lives.

It makes me feel horrible to resent that fact.  I’ve never felt that before.  I never had a sense of “why me” and accepted my lot in life without doubts or hesitation and always strive to look on the bright side and make the most out of every day.  However, this mindset has eroded as I got closer to Kayla and Donna.

Part of me feels like if I just stop being close to them I can make those feelings go away.   Another part of me says that doing that will create more resentment, not less.  Kayla and Donna are important to me.  Granted, not more important than my son, but if I forgo having other meaningful relationships in my life, the net effect can’t be positive for me or my son.   I’ve just got to get over feeling resentful that my friends, no matter how close they are, don’t share my burdens.

I feel stupid for even having to say that.  It is so contrary to how I normally think and function.  But, it is the truth and I have to accept it and address it.   I am a glass is half-full type person, so it further bums me out that I seem to be looking at this from the half-empty point of view.   I know I will work through this, and not only have Mike to lean on for support, but can also talk through this with Donna and Kayla.

I guess this pain thing actually led me to find clarity in what I was feeling and why.  !?!?!

Next: 88.  Something True.

50. Five Acts of Service

Hey, my 50th post!!

This post is being done “under orders.”  You’ll read why in a bit.  Not that I need orders to allow me to post, but this is the first time he has required that I post something.  I’ll get to that in a bit.

The evolution of our DD has moved rapidly over the last week.  Even that sentence illustrates the evolution as previously I would have called it “my” Domestic Discipline.  Mike has assumed a more Dominant role and instead of just following the prescription of DD that I created, he is starting to assert his own – in earnest!  While it may not fully be “my” DD anymore, this still remains the level of service and submission that I want to give him.

One nuance of my new found Service and Submission is that I am not just doing what I am told.  I am more focused on anticipating Mike’s needs.  This became clear to me as he was talking to me about what he expected of me.  He said it is simply impractical to make up lists of duties and obligations and I needed to start thinking of ways to anticipate what he wants. The way he put it was, “You know all my preferences and pet peeves, so now it was time for you to accommodate all of them.”   ‘Nuf said.

I’ve been able to immediately do that.  There is a lot of, “Would you like this, Sir,” Would you like that, Sir,”  “What service would you like from me now, Sir?”   Right now it is fun because it is new and novel, I hope I feel that way a month from now.

Mike told me to come up with FIVE THINGS THAT I FEEL WOULD BETTER SERVE HIM.  He didn’t want me to tell him what they were, just that I should start doing them and blog what the five things are. 

Thus, his order for me to blog this!

Here’s the challenge –

At our Maintenance Session on Sunday he will name 5 things that he noticed me doing that he found the most meaningful and memorable to him.  He said the key is to come up with 5 mind-blowing things that would differentiate themselves from the many other new things I am doing to serve him.  My challenge was to understand that of all the new things I was doing for him, which 5 would make him feel the most served.  My service to him in this task is to show that I understand what 5 things would mean the most to him.  If I fail in that service, I will be punished.

On Sunday he will name me the five things he felt were the most meaningful.  He will then pull up this post and see if they match to the five things I noted.

The threat of punishment really wasn’t necessary, but definitely an added incentive, as this sounded like a fun challenge.  We’ll see just how fun if I fail to get the 5 right.  Anyway, it will hopefully illustrate how well I know him and not just his needs, but which needs he will most appreciate me fulfilling.

– and one caveat, the 5 acts of service can’t include sex.  He said those acts are already a given, and he is looking for new, non-sexual ways for me to serve.

Coming up with Five
His biggest pet peeves have to do with organization.  He isn’t exactly a neat freak, but close enough.  He is definitely much neater than I am and will take time to put things away organized and orderly.  I tend (until now) to just put away something in the first space I can find and as long as I can close the drawer or shut the door, that’s neat enough for me – out of sight, out of mind.  That’s not Mike.  So, my belief is that by focusing on five uber-cleanliness ideas, he is certain to take notice of these things above all else I am doing to serve him in new ways.  Here’s what I came up with:

1. Closet and Dresser
   I reorganized his dresser so socks, undies, shirts, etc., are all neatly organized, insanely well folded, and meticulously sorted. For instance, blacks next to dark grays next to light grays, next to blues next to whites. In the closet I hung all his shirts the same direction and even set the hangers equally spaced apart from one another.  It looks really cool, and yes, perhaps a bit creepy as if the closet belongs to one of those perfectionist-germophobe-anal retentive-serial killer types.   Anyway, it looks really cool.  Mike already commented that this looked phenomenal.  I think I got this one down for sure!
2. Picking out his Clothes
   I pick out two things from which he can choose to wear the next day and have them hanging on nice wooden hangers where he can easily see them when he walks into the closet. This includes pants, shirt, socks, and tie. (He normally doesn’t have to wear a tie to work, but sometimes he does if there are client meetings).   I did get a “thank you” each day this week when I did this.  I think this one is pretty solid in the “memorable” column.
3. Ironed and Polished
   I polished his shoes and each night before I get in bed I give them a quick buff. I ironed all his shirts, even his t-shirts and his shorts.  I’ve never done that before – neither has he.  We’ve ironed his work shirts before, but never ironed his casual clothes as well.  This is a major thing for me to take on as it could be very time consuming to maintain.  I hope I am not taking on too much with this one.  Funny, but ironing is one of those iconic 1950’s wifely things to do and now I am doing it.    He definitely noticed this one and I even got a “Wow” from him.  That’s three down, I am sure.
4. Bathroom
   I am a little worried about this one. Not sure it is memorable enough and that he would think to categorize all of these as a “bathroom” experience.  He may look at each thing as separate.  I hope he doesn’t pick two of these things and count them separately, and then he missed the next one?   If he does, that’s his call and I’ll accept it.I reorganize the medicine cabinet and sink cabinets and insanely cleaned the entire bathroom. I even used an old toothbrush to scrub the nooks and crannies.  It sparkles!   While a clean bathroom is nice, (our’s is now immaculate), I am not sure it rises to the level of memorable.  So I tied this in with an overall “bathroom experience.”I put the little fold on the toilet paper like they do at hotels.  Also, when he gets in the shower I take the towels and run them in the dryer for a few minutes and then stand outside the shower, on my knees and naked, holding out the warm towel and I’ll ask him if he would like me to dry him off.  This didn’t work one night because I had already fallen asleep by the time he took his shower and I didn’t wake up when he came into the room.  It’s a bit of a challenge when you are given an early bedtime and he decides to shower late!  I also leave notes on our mirror for him as well.  When he gets home from work the note he sees is a tame love note, but the one he sees at night (when our son is already in bed and not likely to find reason to come into or bathroom), is erotic and steamy.
5. His Car
   After he gets home I check his car and not only pick up any trash, but vacuum if needed, clean the windows and tires, and I give the interior a shot of air freshener. In the mornings, I go out and give his car another shot of air freshener as well.   I’ll check to make sure his car doesn’t need gas and if so, offer to go fill it up for him, and if dirty, take it to the car wash.  Luckily his car was dirty so I got to take it to a car wash for him and I topped off the tank. Now that it is clean, it is typically just a quick wipe of the windows and tires, pick up anything inside, give a quick shot of air freshener, and I am done, all in just a few minutes.   I feel pretty good about this one being memorable.  We’ll see!

As of this writing, I already completed all 5 and are now just maintaining them each day!  I’ve been very busy this last few days!

In addition I’ve been doing some other things that are new and service oriented.  My concern is that he might value one or more of those new things over the five I listed above.

Wave of Energy!
I am in constant motion every day!  Other than sitting down to blog and journal, I haven’t had a moment of idle time.  But the thing is, instead of feeling wiped out, I feel energized.  The day seems to zip past.   Despite the chores, I am excited, enthusiastic, and, I know it isn’t dragging me down because I am also extra horny.

Approaching a Wall?
I have this sense that at some point I may hit a wall.  I shared this thought with Mike.  He said he will be on the lookout for that and wants me to say something the moment I begin to lose this boost of steam I’ve found.  I believe this steam comes from this initial thrill I am getting with amping up my Service to Mike, but it also comes from the fact I am getting really good rest.  Mike has kept me on a strict bedtime!

Pampering!
I am so glad I shared with Mike that I am concerned that I am riding a high and could crash at some point.   Sharing my thoughts and feelings are a requirement of our DD, and this is a great example of where it pays off to do so.  Mike said he will give me a specific task for the day and sometimes those tasks are pampering treats.  For instance, today he wanted me to get a manicure and pedicure tomorrow.  Oh darn, I guess I will have to figure out how to fit that in.   For today he asked me to go purchase some hanging flower baskets to freshen up our back patio.  Darn again!  I get to go shopping, and I love gardening activities.  HOWEVER, there is a catch – I have to either wear my butt plug, nipple clamps, or breast binder whenever I go out on a “pampering treat.”

I don’t think I mentioned the breast thingy before.  Perhaps “halter” is a better name for it?  Not sure what they call it.  It was something Mike got some time ago.  I’ve worn it at home as part of punishments, but never wore it out until now.  I can have a bra on over it.  It is worn like a bra and has straps that encircle my breasts that you can tighten, given them a tight squeeze.  It can get very tight where my tits can start getting pink/purple.   Mike wants to make sure there is some reminder of my service to him even when I am getting pampered.   I found if I wear the right baggy t-shirt, I can have it on and it not be too noticeable.  Kinda’ the same thing with the nipple clamps.  I have one pair that is very small and easily hides as long as I am not wearing anything too tight.

Until this Service honeymoon euphoria wears off, I am sure enjoying myself.  It almost doesn’t feel right for it to feel this good and rewarding to serve and submit him – but no one said you have to be miserable in order to Serve.

I am joyful!

Next: 51. Olympic Post: Gold, Brazilian, Cunnilingus?