Tag Archives: bond

335. The Bond of Sex

335

Uh, not that kind of Bond, although he sure did have a lot of sex.  Btw, I don’t think of Daniel Craig when I think of Bond.  I guess I am showing my age but Roger Moore comes to mind first, then Sean Connery.  After that, Pierce Brosnan.  I digress. 

Sex must remain an invulnerable, untouchable, inalienable, non-negotiable, unassailable, sacred, absolute, BOND exclusively between TWO people

This bond is the wrapper on most relationships.  The slightest threat can puncture the wrapper, spilling the contents of the relationship on the ground like roadkill.

I am going to try and contain my rant as that is not the point of this post, but, it’s sad.  People who are otherwise loving and nurturing to each other will allow the relationship to vaporize due to a violation of that bond.   I almost agree with that bond, except the exclusive part.   There is no reason for exclusive sex to be the super-glue to a relationship that, once dissolved, takes the relationship with it.

While we feel that way, we know each one of our play partners has their own variations of what sex means for them.  With all the sex that is going on (honestly, it is probably less than most of you think), there is bound to be an incident that violates what sex means to someone or means to one of the relationships.  Sex can be a bit like gunpowder and each additional person added to your “Circle of Trust” increases the chance of ignition.  

We’ve been fortunate to avoid such “ignition,” primarily because we openly communicate and frequently check in with each other.  But. . .

NEW YORK CITY
I previously shared that for a graduation gift we paid for a New York City vacation for Kayla and a friend.   She went with Chelsea.   You’ll have to read the prior posts about her and her husband, Jaime, to get the full story on their dynamic.   The short story is that it is a DD with some D/s dynamic with Chelsea submissive to Jaime.

This was Chelsea’s first time away from her husband, Jaime.  Although Chelsea is heterosexual, Jaime specifically told Chelsea not to have sex with Kayla.  Apparently, they had been considering a threesome with Kayla and while not consummated, Jaime wanted to make sure Chelsea didn’t venture out on her own during this trip.  Out of respect for Jaime’s wishes, Mike also told Kayla not to have sex with Chelsea.

Girls will be girls!  Together in the big city for the first time.  The lights, the festivities, the excitement. . . and they had sex with each other.

Even though they knew they had disobeyed they decided to admit to it.  Subsequently, Jaime was mad at Chelsea while Mike was upset with Kayla.  It’s one thing to slip up in the moment, but this was serious as they both clearly chose to ignore their instructions.

Further, Chelsea and Kayla got upset with each other, blaming the other for letting their intimacy get out of hand.   Chelsea was further upset because Kayla said that Chelsea wanted to keep it a secret and Kayla had to convince her they had to tell.  The bottom line — there was drama!

Keep in mind both of them are young adults, 23-24.  Not to say that is particularly young, but clearly, neither have experienced this type of “betrayal” whether it be their friendship or their marriages.  Did I say there was drama?

SPANKY SPANKY
Fortunately and surprisingly, I was not very involved in this.  Mike sorted it all it out.  I know they both received spankings from their husbands and not only did it also include Jaime spanking Kayla and Mike spanking Chelsea, but Kayla and Chelsea even had to spank each other.  Nothing like a spank-fest to settle a problem!

From Mike’s perspective, Kayla’s issue was the disobedience towards him and the disrespect for Jaime.   From Jaime’s perspective, Chelsea’s transgression went beyond disobedience or disrespect.  She had sex with someone else!  The two of them had been monogamous up to that point (sort of — a bit of foreshadowing), and Chelsea had never been with a woman before.

Jaime was dealing with a lot, and he’s not the most secure guy.  He is still working at being the husband Chelsea wants him to be regarding her submission.

THEN TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE
Wait, didn’t I just say, “sort of” in describing them as monogamous?    Something else came out of their NYC trip.

During the trip, Chelsea told Kayla that she sucked Mike’s dick.  Kayla wasn’t aware of that, nor was I.  We all know that Mike goes over to Jaime and Chelsea’s quite a bit to help with discipline (that can be a post all of its own).   Mike has administered spankings and other discipline towards Chelsea many times, ostensibly to “teach” Jaime (again, fodder for another post). 

Chelsea developed a big crush on Mike.  She was always honest and open about her feelings, which had to be hard on Jaime.  It was always in the context that she loved Jaime dearly and wants to be with him, but that she did develop feelings towards Mike.  Jaime seemed to handle it well, probably because he admires Mike a lot, gets a lot of personal joy out of the whole dynamic, and he accepted that Chelsea wasn’t looking to leave him. 

Apparently, one of the times Mike was at their place, Jaime asked him if Chelsea could suck his cock.   Jaime told him something like, “I think we’re ready to try some swinging or poly or whatever it is and I want to see what she will do if I tell her.”  Mike told him something like, “If this is a good idea today, it will be a good idea tomorrow.  Let’s all three talk about this and give it some time.”  Apparently, the three of them did and Mike got good enough vibes about it that a few days later, the deed was done.

Jaime asked Mike and Chelsea not to tell anyone about it (i.e. me and Kayla) as Jaime said he was “processing” it all.  He said he felt embarrassed, both for wanting it and for allowing it, as well as for Chelsea’s willingness to do it.   Jaime was also worried about a variety of other things about “what this meant.”  He wasn’t prepared for how it made him feel after it had happened.

Out of respect for Jaime’s wishes, Mike agreed not to tell us.  He isn’t required to do so and I have no qualms about it.   My concern had nothing to do with someone giving him oral sex.  My concern was that Chelsea is Kayla’s good friend.  Anything that could jeopardize Jaime and Chelsea’s relationship with Mike will likely automatically jeopardize Chelsea’s friendship with Kayla. It just doesn’t seem fair that Mike would jeopardize Kayla’s good friendship.

From Mike’s perspective, there was already any number of discipline-related things he already did with Jaime and Chelsea that could have had an impact on Chelsea and Kayla’s friendship.  It never did.  Mike has spanked Chelsea, seen her naked, inserted butt plugs, administered enemas, and whipped practically all parts of her body.  So in Mike’s defense, is a b.j. really a tipping point to something unacceptable?

Remember the “bond” at the start of this post?  The things that threaten that bond are different for everyone.  So Jaime was processing his own emotions about it all, as was Chelsea and as was Kayla, Mike, and even me.  My issue, as was Kayla’s, was the secrecy.  Again, not that Mike owed us that information, but Chelsea is Kayla’s friend.  Kayla doesn’t have many friends her age and the two of them have become close.  Secrets put everyone in a bad spot and set a dangerous precedent.  Justifying that secret makes it easy to justify the next and the next and the next.   The one ingredient that holds relationships together more than any other is TRUST!

Mike agreed that as far as our mutual friendships go, there can not be any secrets when it comes to TTWD.   HOWEVER, it’s easy to fault “the secret” as the cause of the problem.  Who knows?  The drama may have been WORSE had it not been a secret.  Jaime wasn’t ready to deal with the emotions of his decision and maybe things would have been worse had he been forced to do so as soon as it happened.

Maybe it was better it was kept secret for a while.  It allowed Jaime time to process his emotions.  Thanks to Chelsea spilling the beans it may not have been as much time as Jaime would have liked, but, it turned out he was ready to reconcile it in his mind.   Getting it out there forced him to discuss and ultimately reconcile his feelings about it.  In the end, he felt good about it.  This was evidenced by them agreeing to join us at Immersion and Jaime and Chelsea even had their three-way with Kayla.  

During Immersion Jaime even joked,  “How do you reconcile a b.j.?  With a three-way!”    I guess you had to be there as it was very funny, especially coming from Jaime.

The drama was resolved and all is well.  But really, the whole relationship that Mike has with Jaime and Chelsea is a bit odd.  Which probably sounds funny coming from me and the countless oddities in my life.   Odd is a bit harsh.  Different!  Yeah, that’s the word.  Anyway, I’ll post about it sometime!

314. Can I watch you have sex? (TJ & KIM Part 4)

314

SUCCULENTLY NON-SUCCINCT
I thought I was getting better at being more succinct in my post.  But this one rambles a bit. 

Oh well, if you’ve read most of my posts, that’s just how it goes.  Mike calls it, “Chasing butterflies.”   I am about to make a point and then, “Oh look, a butterfly.”

For instance, I feel compelled to share this –  At first, I had a typo in the word “succinct” in that first sentence of the post.   Spell check suggested “succulent.”   That made me smile and recognize that I also think I’ve been getting better at being succulent in my posts.  Maybe the key is to focus on the succulence and not worry about the succinctness?   {insert Seinfeld reference:  Kind of like whether I should focus on my import business or my export business.}   I digress.

I left off the post before last with having to ask Mike if we can fulfill Kims’ request to watch us have sex.  I felt prepared when went to him with this request. 

WHY MIGHT THIS HELP?
I had asked Kim what is the outcome she envisions?  This is always a great question to ask someone who asks you for their help.  Maybe I am the wrong person to deliver what she is looking for or maybe she has unrealistic expectations.  Whatever the case, it’s a great question to ask anyone who is asking you for help.  

She told me she felt she needed to see sex from a different perspective.  One that she felt would be authentic, passionate, and loving.  Things she couldn’t find in porn.  “Even the amateur stuff lacks authenticity to me.”   

“Oh, a budding porn critic, I see,” I said jokingly, “So just how much porn did you watch to come to that conclusion?” 

“That’s what I am talking about,” she said.  “You are easy to talk to about this stuff.  It it doesn’t even phase you to talk about porn.”

Humm. Maybe she is on to something.  Sort of a “porn acceptance litmus test” for measuring one’s ability to be vulnerable with someone.   That could make for an interesting Ph.D. dissertation.  And again, I digress. 

She believes that through watching me she can get a sense of what’s it like to be comfortable and at ease at both giving and receiving sexual pleasure.  Right now she understands people say this exists, but she just can’t imagine that it really does and perhaps seeing it would help.   “Besides,” she said slyly, “not only might it light my fire,  but based on what you’ve told me, you love putting on a show, right?”   

Hey, she is being both vulnerable and humorous.  That’s a good mix!

I asked her more about TJ’s reaction and she assured me he was supportive.  He did question her about her motives and what she had in mind.  She assured him it was view only mode.   “I want to strictly just be a fly on the wall.” 

MIKE CALLS FOR EXMOT
Mike has always been very cautious about our “Circle of Trust.”  Although he continues to get more and more adventurous.  The way he puts it, “I am still cautious, but I am willing to consider more candidates for my vetting.”

His vetting consists of getting to know them a bit more and feeling better about their “EXMOT” as he calls it.  Expectations and Motivations.  And he requires sharing of lab tests regarding STD’s.   In this case, since she is in observe mode, it’s just about the EXMOT.

Oh, I guess this is a good spot to add – we’ve attended several kink/swinger parties throughout the year.  Great fodder for some blog posts, if I get to blogging consistently.   We’ve met some new friends that we have played with a few times.  Not enough to call them permanent members of our COT, but they definitely have guest member status!   Yep, our swinging has been in, well, how do a phrase it?   Got it!  Full swing!

Okay, okay.  So what did Mike say?  Well, that will have to be for my next post.   Gotta go!

Just kidding. 

Like TJ, Mike wanted the four of us to meet.   So one weekend afternoon, Kayla took J out and about and TJ and Kim came over to our house.   We wore clothes.  While I told Kim we were nudists and typically were naked at home, we understand that can be a bit distracting or uncomfortable for others, especially as a first impression.   This would be there first time meeting Mike, although I shared with him all of the details about them. 

THE MEETING
Kim was so nervous and embarrassed.  After some normal meet-and-greet pleasantries, it was time to talk about, you know.   Kim showed her sense of humor by breaking the ice with, “Time to just get it all out there.  Here we are, to talk about my sex phobias.  What do you want to know?”

I won’t go into the play-by-play, but I was impressed with Mike.  He pointed out that while our experiences are not the same, there were some grains that were relatable.  He told her a story about knowing me throughout high school and knowing all the guys I ever dated.  I think I mentioned in one of my early posts – Mike has met every single guy I ever dated.  And I don’t mean since we got married. Of course, he’s met those men (okay, technically just one, Matt).  I mean before we got married.

Mike also pointed out that, like TJ, he was also previously married, although admittedly his first wife wasn’t bisexual.  The point was, we all get what it’s like to wonder how we stack up sexually with our partner’s prior experiences.

In her case, because she knew TJ’s ex-wife as a friend,  and TJ’s ex-wife was very “sharing” with information, Kim was privy to a certain amount of details.  And because Kim basically hounded TJ for even more details, she was aware of a lot, including the threesomes they had.  It was probably TMI for anyone to know, let alone someone like Kim who is dealing with a lot of hang-ups about sex.      

By the way – – – Long ago Mike and I shared who all our previous sexual partners were.  But we knew each other in high school as friends, then dated, then as friends again, before dating again.  We just sort of knew without talking about it, which made talking about no big deal.  It wasn’t until after we adopted DD that one day the topic came up and we shared all sorts of details.  Details about our first this and first that.  About funny experiences, not so funny experiences, and plain old fun experiences.  It’s so much easier to share that after you’ve established a high degree of confidence in your sexual relationship.

Back to Kim.  I thought Mike did a great job of making her feel at ease, and he eventually asked her a lot of specific questions about her thoughts on a variety of sex-related topics.
At first her responses were very guarded but soon she opened up.  Mike also kept TJ in the conversation, asking him what he thought of Kim’s responses.  It was a bit like an interview, although he did tell them to feel free to ask us any personal questions, which they did.  And when they didn’t ask us questions, Mike made it a point to add in his comments about how he viewed things or about things we experienced.  At times it felt a bit clinical, especially at first.  But soon it felt like longtime friends relaxing and talking about an otherwise sensitive topic as if they were talking about the weather, sports, or vacation tips.      

BOND OR BURDEN?
Then Mike said, “I’d like you to excuse us as I want to talk privately with Jen and will be back in a bit.”   We went up to our bedroom and had them wait in our living room.  Mike asked me about my perception of things.  Did I feel she had a screw loose, might flip out at some point, or suck us into some needy, drama-filled void that, in his words, “becomes more of a burden than a bond.”   

Mike uses that “burden or bond” phrase to mean are we letting people into our lives that will burden us emotionally or bond with us emotionally.  Not necessarily a deep, meaningful, life-long type bonding.  Think of it as a bond of friendship.  He’s simply saying, “will these people make good friends for us?”

I’d love to credit Mike with being so deliberate in having the foresight and sensitivity to ensure we surround ourselves with people that are good for us.   (Kind of like the “Filter” thing I talked about in a prior post).   But, not to brag, he credits me with “teaching” him this.  Whoever gets the credit, I was proud of how he was handling it.

Bond!  Yes, bond, without a doubt,” I answered.  

He asked, “Why do you say that?” 

It’s mostly a vibe thing you can’t really quantify.   I believe it’s her willingness to be so vulnerable yet still appear strong.  To be so nervous and afraid, yet still appear strong.  To be totally mortified, yet still appear strong.   Someone who is unstable couldn’t do that, or make jokes about it, or have the fortitude to ask us such a thing without having good intentions.  

In classic Mike fashion, he responded, “It isn’t the intentions I am worried about, it’s the impact.”  

I went into a bit of rant, saying something like, “While we never know for sure how someone will react to anything, it seems a low risk to me to allow her to watch us have sex.   What’s the impact?  If it does nothing for her then she is no better or worse off.  And for us?  Hey, we got to have sex in front of somebody.  We enjoy that, right? (Jen increases the “whine” factor).   

“And her expectations aren’t that she watches us and gets zapped by our sexual chemistry and goes home to fuck like a rabbit the rest of her life.  This is just a first step, and if she needs our help with other steps, we can reassess it along the way.  It is a BOND up to the point it isn’t.  At this point, it isn’t a burden.  She is sweet, loving, a good mother, and secure with herself so many ways other than sex.  She even has the strength to know her hang-ups are her own.  She has a healthy view of sex regarding how she deals with the topic with her children.  And her husband is loving, patient, and fully onboard.  My vote is to do it.”  

Mike thought for a moment.  “Okay, sounds good to me, let’s do it.” 

I thanked him and as I hugged him he whispered, “I sensed a tone of frustration with me in your little rant, and was that a cuss word I heard?” 

Let’s just say it was about another five minutes before Mike returned to our living room, and about ten minutes after that before I returned.  
 
And so it was to be.  Kim would watch us have sex.   Kim asked that it would just be me and Mike, no Kayla.  And for the record, Mike invited TJ to watch, but he declined.  

I am not going to go into post-after-post of what transpired when she watched and what went on between then and now.  I’ll just jump to the present and tell you where things are today. 

Or make that where things are tomorrow, or maybe the next day, or whenever I post next.   Yep, I’ll save that info for another post!   hee-hee!   This cliffhanger thing is kinda fun.

Next:  Kim’s Sexual Awakening