359. Domestic Discipline will AMP YOU UP

Domestic Discipline will AMP {clap} you up!

Picking up where I left off. . .

When Chelsea arrived she emptied her suitcase and other personal items in our guest bedroom and joined us in the living room as Mike calls us together for this unique “Maintenance Session” as explained in my prior post.

And as if by magic, something unexpected happened. Something that could take months, if not years, or even a lifetime for someone to articulate to someone else. Chelsea said the most amazing and surprising thing.

As I left off in the prior post, Mike stated, “. . . I don’t ask you to be anyone other than yourself.”

Chelsea didn’t say anything right away. It’s like I could sense the wires starting to connect… zzzt, zzzt, zzzzzzt!

With the saddest face humanly possible, she mumbled,
“But. But. But, what if I’m not enough? What if there’s something wrong with me?”

And then she cried.

Mike immediately went to her and held her. He assured her that no matter what, it can only be right.

I recognized Chelsea had a lot she needed to get off her chest. I felt like the setting might be intimating for her. Seemingly ready to reveal her worst fears in life, I felt the fewer people around the better. Overcoming my predisposition to be nosy, I knew my presence wasn’t valuable. While Kayla is her best friend, I sensed even having her around might be a bit much. Chelsea said what she said to Mike, staring straight at him as if we weren’t even there. I asked Mike if Kayla and I could leave the room and he agreed.

I don’t have a bad relationship with Chelsea, but it hasn’t evolved to be one best suited for what it appeared she needed at that moment. I’ve never had a meaningful one-on-one discussion with her. Probably the most I ever talked to her without Mike or Kayla around was during our threesome with TJ. A totally different context!

Mike and Chelsea were left in our living room as Kayla and I retreated to our bedroom. It was about two hours before Mike came in, Chelsea in hand. He said we will watch a movie and just relax together. (We watched The One and Only Ivan. It was okay. Various sub-plots going on and worth a watch on television but I am glad we didn’t spend movie money on it. Sort of what you probably feel about reading my blog! lol). Chelsea sat on the couch between Mike and Kayla, and I was sitting in the recliner. Chelsea was gripping Mike’s hand almost like a scared child. During the movie she ended up with her head on his shoulder, and she fell asleep. It wasn’t that late. Maybe 8:30 or 8:45 p.m.

After about thirty minutes of her sleeping, Mike gently woke her and softly asked her if she would like to go to bed. She nodded and he whispered for her to get ready for bed and he would come to the room in a bit.

He went to the bedroom and didn’t return to the living room for about forty-five minutes. He asked Kayla to talk to Chelsea, so she did. It got later and later and eventually both me and Mike got ready for bed and could still hear the mumbling of Kayla and Chelsea talking.

Kayla eventually emerged and asked Mike if she could sleep with Chelsea. “As in sleep, sleep, no sex,” she clarified. She said Chelsea didn’t want to be alone. Mike agreed and oddly, he added, “And if it leads to sex, so be it. I’ll leave that up to you.”

I didn’t ask Mike to tell me what Chelsea shared. I’ve learned from my relationship with Kayla that it is best to leave it up to her to share with me what she wants. There shouldn’t be this assumption that I “deserve” or demand to know everything they discuss or do with Mike. They are free to explore and develop their relationship with him, free from my hovering around it. In this case, Mike told Chelsea he would share things with me, thus. . .

Mike told me that Chelsea indeed has a lot of “sorting out to do.” I pretty much nailed it in my assessment that she isn’t connected to what she is truly feeling or truly wants. Mike said that’s only half of it.

I don’t intend to turn my blog into the “Chelsea life story blog.” But the run down is this:

CHELSEA’S CHALLENGES
1. She’s uncertain of her sexuality
She thinks she might be gay. Bisexual for sure. Prefers women, not to say that she doesn’t love Jaime. It’s just “different, complicated, and confusing.”

2. Jaime’s fidelity
Jaime cheated on her a lot before they got married, supposedly not since. She never really reconciled it in her mind and continues to blame herself for not being enough for him during that time.

3. She fears not being enough
She loves her husband and wants him to be happy and be the one for him to be happy with. Her guilt and insecurities (my words) made her put tremendous pressure on herself and her hopes that D/s would transform their relationship for the better. She personally likes being submissive and was eager to embrace D/s. Her expectations were very high. She feels she connected with D/s and gets to be more of her true self as a submissive. This makes Jaime’s perceived rejection of it all the more painful to her.

4. She’s loves being submissive
While loving the idea of being submissive, it only has felt right to her when Mike is the one providing direction or delivering consequences. She admitted to acting up (aka “bratting”) with Jaime so that Jaime would have to take action. Instead, Jaime would often turn to Mike in frustration.

She likes submitting to Jaime, but, in her words, “he’s bad at being a Dom.” And despite all the issues, she is convinced she loves Jaime but not convinced he loves her.

5. Swinging/swap conflict
She hasn’t fully reconciled the whole swinging/swap stuff within our COT. Part of her feels it’s Jaime’s way of demonstrating she isn’t enough for him. But at the same time, she said they both found it exciting and they connected in new ways. They both were open with each other about what they did, what they felt, what they liked, what they didn’t. She cherished those conversations and it made her feel good that he enjoyed it and enjoyed her enjoying it. But she isn’t 100% convinced. Again, lots of insecurities.

6. She’s in love with Kayla
Yeah, there’s that. She admitted it.

WHAT DOES JAIME KNOW?
Mike asked her how much of this she discussed with Jaime. Virtually none!

She thinks sharing her thoughts about her sexuality would be unfair because she hasn’t figured it out herself. “What if I am wrong and he freaks out over nothing? What if he thinks it means I don’t love him or that he is inadequate in some way? What if he leaves?”

She wants a life with him, as his wife, kids, all that. My thoughts are that she’s not gay, bisexual for sure, and will hopefully come to terms with it at her own pace regarding what it means for her and her marriage.

She’s mortified to address their D/s and our COT. “What if I am right and he never wanted it or liked any of it. I feel so embarrassed for liking it myself.” My two cents is that he enjoys her submission and the COT. I think he is just as insecure as she is. That insecurity comes off as indifference. There’s just too much left unsaid between them and their individual insecurities are filling in the gaps.

She said they did have conversations about the swinging, but she never revealed her motivations behind it – motivations based on pleasing him. And while they mutually shared the genuine excitement and energy it brought to their relationship, she never told him that it also includes feelings of not being enough or being discarded. Despite her liking so many things about it, at its root it represented her failings as a wife. Those horrible feelings were conflicted with the thrill it also brought to both of them and their relationship. And her love of the eperiences with other women was conflicted with her concerns about her sexual identity.

All of this was from her eight hours with us! Things sure move fast in my kink-vortex! I’ve got a theory about why that is, but I’ll save that for some other post.

MY NEW NARRATIVE
The next day we followed through with our plans and Chelsea shadowed me much of the day, and then shadowed Kayla the next, she even saw Kayla get spanked. And I’ve now had the opportunity to talk to Chelsea one-on-one for quite awhile and I’ve adjusted my narrative about her.

She knows who she is, she’s just afraid to show it, both to herself, and to others. A fear based in her childhood that she carried forward to her marriage. Her ability to articulate what she wants is hiding behind the thinnest veneer. Once punctured, she has been very articulate, clear, and more importantly, confident.

She wants to be married to Jaime. She wants to let him lead and needs to work with him on defining what that means on his terms, not hers. She wants an open marriage, especially wants to explore her sexuality more. She understands that may be hard on Jaime as he may fear her leaving him for a woman. They’ll just have to work that out and it is no different than her fears he could leave her for another woman. “Who knows,” she said, “maybe we find a win-win and get ourselves a third!”

She likes D/s and loves the idea of submitting, to Jaime, to Mike, or to a woman. She feels the most comfortable in a submissive role, including being disciplined. She said she always felt fine being spanked as a child. Not that she enjoyed it, but that it didn’t make her feel defective and she doesn’t feel scarred by it. To her it was effective and she believes it is “appropriate for a husband to spank his wife. ”

When she said that, I was ready to denounce that concept. I don’t buy into it as being “appropriate” in the way she was using that word. She was using it as meaning “natural order of things.” Ug. That’s not my belief. I’ve ranted about that before so will spare you another rant. Suffice to say, I bit my tongue and accepted that if it was right for her, then so be it. (120. Is this submissive a feminist, and 350. Equity and Fairness)

WHAT NOW?
For now she is waiting to have her deep dive conversation with Jaime. She wants to continue talking with us, flexing her ability to articulate her feelings and better understand what it is she is feeling. And by us, I do mean us. She’s opened up to me and I think likes the attention from all three of us, especially Mike. She Facetimes every day with Jaime, and Jaime even noted her upbeat demeanor. It seems she is feeling good about the direction she is headed.

BTW, Chelsea didn’t have sex with Kayla that first night. They just cuddled and went to sleep. There’s some things that have to be sorted out there because Chelsea loves Kayla. Kayla loves her to but not in that same way, so it’s unfair to pursue the sexual activities if the feelings are unbalanced. And there is the whole thing of what role Mike plays in Chelsea’s life and her dynamic within her marriage. But all of those things flow from Chelsea first needing to establish a stronger sense of self. Once that is done, everything else should be much easier to sort out.

I’ve always stated that when you allow yourself to be vulnerable, or go down a path of exploring kinks (which is related to vulnerability), the experience serves as an AMPLIFIER for what your relationship already has. If there are fears, insecurities, and confusion, they will be amplified ten-fold. If there is trust, acceptance, and confidence, that too will be amplified ten-fold.

And Domestic Discipline amplifies all of them even more.

336. Hello from the kinky side

I GHOSTED YOU, BUT I AIN’T DEAD
I am happy to report I am not dead!  

I had a deep-seated need to disengage from my blog as well as from a handful of email buddies I’ve been fortunate enough to pick up along the way.  Honestly, I ghosted everyone online.  I know it’s mean.  Sorry, I could have easily just spent a few minutes with a short note, but I kept thinking, “I’ll post something this week.”  And then the weeks went by.   ONE ETERNITY LATER. . .

WHY?   
I am still unsure.  It was like a switch went off and nothing about my anonymous online life interested me.   I am not sure exactly why.  I think it was a multitude of factors which I will go through.   I will try to be a better “online friend” and at least share that a hiatus is self-imposed and nothing bad is going on. 

One of the influences of my growing disinterest is that I was having this increasing feeling of being exposed and vulnerable.  If you’ve read most of my posts you know me as an exhibitionist and vulnerability addict and one who is an over-sharer.   In fact, I think that was the very fuel that kept me posting.  But suddenly, it just didn’t give me the same reaction.  I wasn’t feeling exposed and vulnerable in a good way, but in the way that every post created a darker cloud of being susceptible to attack or harm.

To be clear, there have never been any outward threats and this feeling I had was mostly just in my head.   99.9% of comments and emails and interactions as a result of my blog have been positive.   You all have been great, comments are overwhelmingly positive, and the handful of email buddies have been great to interact with and get to know in a more meaningful one-on-one way.

Maybe it’s part of a mid-life crisis?   I started having this overwhelming need to protect the lifestyle I cherish and for some reason, I began viewing my blog as a threat.  I even considered deleting it, but Mike encouraged me not to “go nuclear” and give it time.  He was very reassuring and that means a lot to me given he is the one that is the privacy hawk and I am one that lets information flow like a sieve.

I am not sure what triggered my need to become so insular, especially when I am a lifelong over-sharer.   There are several things I can point to that all contributed to this hiatus.

• I received ONE nasty comment from an anonymous person.  Typically I understand their perspective and look at it as an opportunity to respectfully disagree.  But this one triggered a “mama bear” type of reaction that made me want to not just defend my lifestyle but wrap my arms around it and run away saying, “Mine.  Leave me alone!”  I’ve always accepted that my lifestyle is abhorrent to many people. But for some reason, it suddenly mattered to me that they were attacking it.  It made me feel very protective of what I have.  What I have is amazing to me.  I cherish it and would never do anything to knowingly undermine it.
  
• The next thing was my post about one million views as well as discovering I made list of top sex bloggers.   I was like #360-something out of 500.As for the million views –
• I never started out with a goal to have lots of views.  I needed an outlet to organize my thoughts and think more deeply about my life.  It is amazingly therapeutic to have to think through and write what is meaningful to me, question my own motivations, and question whether the outcomes are truly fulfilling.   And being so bold as to put it out there for people to scrutinize actually added to that therapeutic value.
• The increased views made me start worrying about being a “poster child” for any one aspect of my life.  A swinger, a submissive, a nudist, bisexual, polyamorous , etc.  It was as if I recognized that if someone has a problem with one element of the various terms that label me, they use it to reject the others.   I’ve written before that I don’t like writing much about nudism because I do the nudist community an injustice as many outside the community who don’t know better think it is about a bunch of pervy kinksters.  Then I started thinking maybe I do the same for bisexuals, or those who are poly, or those who are submissive, and so on.  I don’t want to be the fodder for the ignorance that is out there that fuels someone’s disgust for particular lifestyles.
• As for the sex blogger list – it was on Kinkly (a fantastic website!).   At first, I thought it was cool (and I still do).  I’ve known about it for about a year, but suddenly, in combination with the one million views, the one negative comment, etc., it began to bother me.  It elicited that bad exposed and vulnerable feeling.
• The “final straw” and probably the biggest catalyst to my ghosting everyone was that I was becoming increasingly aware of how lucky I am.  Call it a mid-life crisis moment!  Not as in a real crisis, but as in a taking inventory of what I have and appreciating it immensely!  I am largely worry-free in my life other than first-world problems.
• My biggest lifetime worry has been about my special needs son, and as it turns out he has far exceeded every expectation regarding his self-reliance.  My other kids are doing well.  My marriage is incredibly strong and rewarding.  I get to love two amazing people in my marriage!  Our network of friends is full of close and rewarding relationships, albeit with some unique elements!  My prior post was about the potential powder keg of living an open lifestyle with several couples – yet we have navigated it well.
  

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
I think I started hearing myself repeat one of Mike’s often repeated phrases when it comes to sharing details of our lifestyle with others.  “What’s the upside?”   While my blog is sufficiently anonymous, I’ve been more forthcoming with some personal details in some of my email friends I’ve met via this blog.  While I feel all of them earned my trust, it started to nag at me that maybe I am getting too comfortable with sharing certain details about myself.   But anything I shared was always with Mike’s approval, and he is the privacy king!   But as some of those online relationships evolved and headed to actually meeting them, I thought, “Why upset my apple cart with this wild card?  I have everything I need and adding another stick of dynamite can ruin what I have.”

I also started feeling like my blogging would be taking time away from living this life I’ve built.  Why blog about it when I could be living it?   And this was compounded by several things that have made my free time much more scarce (I hope to update you on those things, such as me working part-time!).  It truly got to the point that in order to consistently blog I knew I would have to take precious time away from something else.  I simply didn’t want to trade that time for blogging time, especially given the online world wasn’t exciting to me in any way.      

So what changed to prompt my post today? 

I CAN BALANCE
I realized I’ve been blogging for almost four years and have easily balanced my over-sharing nature with the needs for privacy (and Mike is ever watchful to ensure that stays in balance).   

IT FEELS GOOD
I still feel a therapeutic benefit from blogging.  See, I told you I am a bit selfish.  It’s about what I get from my blogging, not so much about what my readers get.  Sorry, just being honest, but I think everyone who blogs must first do it for themselves.

I NEED TO GET OVER MYSELF
Come on, this is still an obscure little blog that is not going to change the worldview for the worse regarding human sexuality and kink.  In whatever small way I know the net impact of my blog is positive.  Sure, it’s likely masturbatory fodder for some, but hey, everyone’s got needs!   As for me, I need to get over any thoughts that I am portraying everyone who fits into any one (or more) of my “labels.”  I am portraying me!  And I need to portray the exhibitionist-over-sharer that I am as much as I do any other aspect of myself.

IT’S EMPOWERING
I provides me a sense of validation to know what I write appeals to certain people (my kind of people!).   Kink is such a personal topic and can come with all sorts of negative baggage.  I hope my blog can help normalize sexual exploration.  To me “normalizing” things is what all blogs do.  They normalize and humanize our individual experiences, whether they be about something as salacious as kink, or as simple as shopping, baking, clothing, or a day-in-the-life.    Blogging connects us and validates us in ways other media can not.

We learn people are more than the sum of their parts.  We learn that underneath a particular avocation, kink, or interest, they are not a swinger, a submissive, a nudist, a bisexual woman, or a polyamorous wife.  I am just a much those things as I am a mom, a mom of a special needs child, a neighbor, a friend.   THAT’s the part of blogging that excites me.   That I can illustrate you can be all of that and NONE of that defines you.  What defines you are the relationships you forge with others, whether family or friends, or even anonymous online friends.

The written word leaves a lot to our imagination.  I know for the blogs I read the blogger becomes a living character to me.  They only share snippets of themselves and we are free to fill in the blanks to create a complete “character” that becomes our friend.  I like the idea of being one of those friends to you.   It intrigues me to know what blanks you fill in about me.  Hey, I heard that.  Come on, I am not into THAT kind of kink.

 While I doubt I will blog with the same intensity as before, I do plan to keep blogging.  I hope I can be a better online friend and not one who ghosts you again. One thing hasn’t changed.  I can take a topic that can be covered in a few paragraphs and I end up writing a short story!  Being non-succinct is just one of my endearing qualities! (so I have to tell myself).

NEXT: 337.  Outsourcing Domestic Discipline

225. Pansexual, a skinny dip, and my “first time.”

I’ve shared a couple of stories of my youth — Post 64. Strip Quarters and Post 73. Pube Shaving Party.  Since I’ve brought up naturism, in my last two posts, now seems like a good time to share one more story of my youth.  Before I do . . . 

NUDIST VS NATURIST
I learned from E, the preferred term is “naturist” not “nudist.”  To some, nudity connotes sex, whereas naturist connotes nature.  “Naturist” was coined about 125 years ago by those who partook in the nude lifestyle.  “Nudist” was a term created about 90 years ago by media.  Focusing on nudity gave it a more prurient connotation, at a minimum to sensationalize it, at worst to vilify it.  The words are often used interchangeably now, but E is sensitive to the differences in what they mean to her, so, I too will use the word naturist.   

Naturism can go deeper than simply rejecting clothes.  It can encompass how we embrace nature.  E said her parents have a minimalist lifestyle, concerned about keeping a “reasonably small carbon footprint.”  They don’t shun electricity or modern advancements – they own a car and have all the modern conveniences.  They keep their possessions to a minimum and focus on conservation and recycling.   

We haven’t met them yet as they live in another state.  It is possible we may meet them at the naturist resort we are looking into.  It will be an interesting introduction for us, to say the least.

YOUNG JENNY GOES SKINNY DIPPING
In my prior post I shared my fondness of being naked.  That fondness plays a role in my first orgasmic sexual experience (not counting masturbation).  I think I mentioned before, but if not, I had sex with a girl before I had sex with a boy.  By the time I had sex with a boy I was a very experienced virgin – but that will have to be another story.

The sex would have happened without the skinny dipping, but I wanted to share the full story to illustrate my penchant for baring it all, even when I was younger.  

It was the summer between 8th and 9th grade.  I was 13, Amy was 14.  She is just two weeks shy of being a full year older than me.  With my birthday being just before the cut off to start school, and her age is just after the cut off, we were in the same grade despite an almost one year age difference.  I was often the youngest in my class, she the oldest.  Not a big deal, but it can be at that age, especially when it comes to physical maturity.  Adding to her 11 month head start, she was an early bloomer, I was a late one.  Yeah, she had boobies way before me.   

Amy’s parents had a really nice house with a large pool in their backyard.  The backyard was secluded, at the top of a steep hill with no houses behind it.  The two houses on either side were offset such that they didn’t have much of a view of the pool, and any potential view was obscured by many trees.  They had a gravel driveway, which, while out of view, was actually close to the pool and made enough noise that you could always hear any car driving up.  The perfect storm for clandestine teenage activities. 

We had seen each other naked countless times throughout childhood.  Amy was well aware of, and subject to, my proclivity to be in the buff.  I would often swim naked when her parents and brother weren’t home and even stay naked after the swim.  For years she refused to doff her swimsuit.  One day she finally relented.

From then on it became routine for us to swim naked if her parents were at work and her older brother wasn’t home.  It was comical because each time we heard a noise she would scurry to put her suit on.  Well, it wasn’t long until her brother caught us.  He was with a friend who parked at the curb and walked up to the house, thus we didn’t hear them.

He was 18 and had just graduated high school.  He was a “man” in my mind, plus was Amy’s dorky older brother.  No one was interested or thinking anything about sex (at least I wasn’t and I don’t think he was).  I wasn’t embarrassed, but Amy surely was and was yelling, “Don’t tell mom and dad, don’t tell mom and dad!” I calmly walked over, naked as can be, and talked to him and his friend.  I bargained with him not to tell.

He said no to my offer for him and his friend to simply join us in our “clothing optional” swim (much to the chagrin of his friend).  But, it didn’t take any convincing to get him to accept the offer of feeling free to watch me that day or any other day.  That, plus, he had to agree to not tell anyone else or invite any other of his friends over.

I was happy because it meant more opportunities to be naked as we didn’t have to worry about her brother being home.  By the way, in retrospect the thought of this horrifies me.  I put myself in a very vulnerable situation being naked in front of two 18-19 year old guys.  Even though I had every reason to trust Amy’s brother, I didn’t even know his friend.  In hindsight I was foolish and very fortunate that they both ended up being deserving of that trust.

At first Amy decided swimming naked in front of her brother was too much for her, so she kept her suit on.  Once again, eventually she said, “What the hell,” and went naked.  At first we got a lot of attention, her brother and/or his friend  would hang out by the pool and watch.  But eventually they tired of it other than an occasional peek out the window.  

MY FIRST “REAL” SEXUAL EXPERIENCE
If you’re keeping score, both Amy and I had boyfriends in 8th grade that we allowed to feel us up.  She had even let her boyfriend suck on her breasts — I was the prude who hadn’t gone that far.  Ha!   Beyond that, there was some rubbing of privates over the pants, but neither of us had “touched dick” nor been fingered (other than by our self via masturbation).  And we had both experienced orgasms, but again, only through masturbation.  Okay, back to the story. . .

After one of our swims, Amy and I were in her bathroom drying our hair.  We had bottoms on but no tops.  We were talking about things we often talked about – such as boys!  The conversation turned to another common topic of ours – our breasts.  More precisely, her abundance and my lack of.  This was a normal conversation for us to have.  It was not sexual.  We always openly talked with each other about our bodies, even about masturbation.

At some point I asked her if I could feel her boobs.  I was just curious.  I had actually done this once before, about a year or two earlier, but they were much bigger now.  She said yes, so away I went.  Unlike before, this time I really went!  She stood in front of me as I played with one, then the other, then both at the same time.  Squeezing, poking, prodding, and pressing and pulling her nipples between my fingers. 

I don’t know how long I did it for, but it surpassed the length of time to qualify as platonic.   While my eyes were focused on her breasts, I became aware of her breathing as her chest would slowly expand and contract, and the sounds of inhaling and exhaling grew louder.  I finally looked up at her.  Her eyes were closed, lips were pursed.  I clearly excited something inside her.  

I smiled.  Even though it was not my intent, I knew she was feeling something sexual.  I kept playing with her breasts until her eyes opened.  When she saw me looking into her eyes she quickly got embarrassed and said, “Okay, enough of playing with my boobs, let’s get dressed.”  I could tell she was uncomfortable so I didn’t say anything about it.  That was that.

The next day we were hanging out in her room and Amy says, “Hey, it’s not fair you got to feel me up.  I want to feel you up now.”   I took it as her just teasing me and said, “I did NOT feel you up, I was just curious to know what they felt like.”  She continued teasing and said “yes you did, yes you did.”  I finally said “Fine, then if it will shut you up, then go ahead, feel me too.”  She did.

She also felt and felt and felt.  Needless to say, she also excited something in me.  I started to feel her up too.  We played with each other’s breasts for quite a while.  I actually don’t remember who went first, but at some point we began sucking on each others breasts.  And that was that.

That night I remember masturbating to thoughts of Amy.  The first time I ever had such thoughts.  I didn’t feel bad for thinking this way.  It was the early 80’s, I didn’t know anyone who was gay or bisexual, or even really know much about the terms.  I didn’t even connect my feelings with any of those terms.  It wasn’t about feeling “that way” about girls.  It was simply feeling that way about my friend Amy. 

The next day, at Amy’s, we stayed in her room the entire time.  We got naked, kissed for the first time, fondled, and fingered until each of us had an orgasm.  This was the first time that, other than through masturbation, we had been brought to climax.  We went on to frequently have sex, eventually advancing to oral sex as well.  And that was that.

PANSEXUAL
Amy and I continued having sex throughout high school and college.   All along it was important to me to make the distinction in my mind that I wasn’t attracted to girls, I was just attracted to Amy.

Only recently has it dawned on me that such a distinction is stupid.  Why did I feel it was so important to make this distinction?  I mean, I didn’t like every guy I saw, but I never felt compelled to make the distinction that any attraction to a guy was about the person versus the gender.  That was just too obvious!  So why then was it so important for me to make that distinction about Amy?

I think that it is simply due to the negative baggage society puts on us when we are attracted to the same sex.  As if you are attracted to one person of the same sex you must be a sexual deviant that wants to have sex with every person of the same sex  – thus, my distinction was important to me.  This is, of course, just societal bull shit.  

As I eventually came to understand, my sexual attractions, men or women, are based on the person, not the gender.  And it is fortunate we now have a name for this – pansexual.  No negative connotations, no negative societal bull shit baggage.  We didn’t have that term back in the early 80’s.  Pansexual!   That’s me!

Next: Post 226. Kink Research

77. Heart to Heart with Kayla

I introduced you to our babysitter, Kayla, in my last post.  Yesterday I invited her to join me on some errands, just the two of us.  Mike took our son on an afternoon out at a local amusement park.

As mentioned in my last post, I decided to “come out” to Kayla regarding my relationship dynamic with Mike.  Overall it went well, but there were unexpected turns and revelations.

We were having lunch and I said, “Kayla, I wanted to talk to you about something very important to me regarding the relationship between Mike and me.”   I proceeded to tell her that about a year and half ago I choose to become submissive to Mike.  I explained why I not only enjoy it but feel I am thriving.  I told her that I am telling her this because I am thriving in so many fulfilling ways and simply put, it brings me great joy.  (Thanks jadescastle for the suggestions re the “joy” line.  I was a great way to accurately and simply sum up my feelings).  “Because of this I don’t like it when I have to suppress or alter my actions when around other people.  Since you spend a lot of time with us, I want to be able to completely be myself, and express myself with Mike as I would normally do.”

Her initial reaction was pretty simple.  “Oh, gosh, I am sorry you felt you had to be different around me.  Thank you for trusting me and sharing that.”

She is such a great person.  She is so self-aware and empathetic and very smart – she finished in the top ten of her high school class.  It was just like her to come at it from my perspective.  Most people react to things about how it impacts them, or inconveniences them, etc.  Not Kayla.

She then asked what exactly was involved in my being submissive.  I explained as simply as I could and focused on it being a way to help me be the person I wanted to be.  I told her I suppose mine was a selfish submission, at least in the beginning, as it was all about what I wanted, but that I recognized my entire family would benefit.  I said that I defer to Mike’s needs and focus intently on meeting his needs, but, again, the genesis of all of it was that it was a way to focus on my own dreams and desires, which are directly linked with being submissive to Mike.

She said something like, “Wow, that is amazing.  I never really noticed anything like that was going on, but, I still don’t understand exactly what it means.  Are we talking ‘50-shades of Grey’ submission?”

I tried to not answer that directly.  Instead, I explained my submissiveness is about accountability to the commitments I have made to myself and to Mike.  It reminded me of how I introduced the concept of DD to Mike way back when.  I avoided the term “spanking” or “punishment” and left it as simply “accountability.”   And, almost verbatim like Mike, she said, “Accountable in what ways?”

My response was that he will point out the times I fail to act in accordance with what I committed to.

She was far more inquisitive and more aware of submission than I was prepared for.  She obviously had seen 50 Shades as she said, “Like putting you over his knee for rolling your eyes?”

I smiled and said, “Look at you with that ’50 Shades’ reference.   Well, honestly, yes, something like that could happen, but it is all in a very different context than what’s in that movie.”

“Oh,” she said.   I could see she connected the dots regarding spankings.

“So Kayla, tell me what you think about this?”

“Honestly I am surprised, but not shocked.  It’s cool.  I see how you and Mike are together and I look up to you all so much as a model for a great relationship.  I’ve never known the specifics of what you all do to make your relationship work, but I’ve always observed that you both treat each other with so much respect.  You two are so relaxed around each other and even when you all disagree with something it is like it is no big deal.  And I am talking about years of watching you.  And you said this submission thing is only a year and half old.  While I never suspected something like that, in looking back now I can say that I did find both of you even more outwardly happy than before.  You’ve both been ultra relaxed and so cool to just be around.  I mean, I always felt that, but yes, in the last year or so even more so.   I thought it was just because I was getting older and thus just more aware and even envious of your relationship.”

She then said, “I am really curious and I want to understand what this means day-to-day.  Would you tell me what the last three things that Mike called you out for and what happened when he did?”

Oh my.  She was wanting me to share my last few punishments!

I said, “I don’t look at it as Mike calling me out.  I expect him to hold me accountable for the things I have agreed to do and for the ways I have agreed to act.  I even hold myself accountable.  And, suffice to say, when I fail to meet my commitments I expect and I receive our agreed upon consequences.  Kayla, I don’t mind sharing a lot of details with you, but let’s not move too fast here.  I’ve shared a lot and I am sure your mind is spinning.   We can talk more about any details later.”

“Okay,” said Kayla, “but what does this really mean regarding changes I should expect to see?”

A very fair question.   I explained that I would be not hide my submissiveness when she was around.  She would hear me always refer to Mike as “Sir” and expect me to more outwardly be deferring to him.

She wanted to know if Mike would spank me when she was around.  I told her that it would be up to him, but that I suspect if I did something wrong he would either send me to my room for a punishment, thus she wouldn’t have to witness it, or, defer it until she left.  Either way, it would be up to Mike.

I told her one of my main concerns with telling her all of this is how she would perceive Mike.  I shared that I had met another submissive couple and, before I understood their dynamic of a submissive lifestyle, I always thought the husband was a jerk.  I didn’t want her to think that way of Mike.

She proceeded to tell me all these glowing things that she thought of about Mike.  How she used to wish Mike was her father and, when she was younger she even had a puppy-love type crush on Mike.   That she thought Mike was an amazing father and so cool to be around.  She then started to cry a little.  She then said, “I guess since you’ve shared something with me, I’d like to share things with you.”

She started to share a lot of very personal stuff with me.  About her parents and about herself.  She was getting pretty shaken up.  We left lunch and I told her we could go to my house as Mike and my son were out.

She continued to share all sorts of things with me on the drive home and once we got there.   There were things about her parents and about her sex life.  She shared that she considered herself bisexual, but preferred the term pansexual.   She was currently in a relationship with one of her best friends and her best friend’s boyfriend.  Basically a poly-type thing but that she didn’t really consider herself a part of their relationship like that, but that she would often join them in threesomes.  She said she had dated both men and women and while she did come out to her parents as “pan” they did not approve.   She said her mother almost kicked her out, but ultimately let her stay.   She said that despite all her great grades and frankly, in my opinion being such a great kid, she felt like she was a disappointment to her parents.

She got highly emotional and upset many times but continued to pour herself out to me.    There was a lot more to what she shared with me that I won’t share here.  She was so open and honest and completely uncensored in what she shared that I thought about just pointing her to this blog and telling her she could learn a lot more here – but, I decided against it, at least for now.

Ultimately, as things calmed down and we had a very lengthy intense talk about the things she shared, she showed her wit by saying, “Okay Mrs. H, so now will you tell me about the last three times you did something wrong?”

After she poured her heart out, I didn’t feel right telling her no.  So, I did.

Three Spankings.
I told her I got a spanking for forgetting a few items from the grocery store and we ran out of several items when we needed them.  I also got punished for leaving the garage door open after I came home from some errands.  This is something I have done on occasion and Mike really up’d the punishment accordingly, but I didn’t share that detail with her.    Then, the last one was just the day before, on Friday afternoon.  Mike took the afternoon off and we went shopping together.  When I got home I forgot to disrobe at the door.  It had been so long since I’ve been somewhere with Mike when our son wasn’t with us or wasn’t home that I just wasn’t thinking about it.   Oh, yes, I then had to share that one of our rules was that I had to be naked whenever I was home and our son was not here, although recently we agreed I could keep my panties on.

Kayla pointed out that my son was not home and I was not naked.   Kayla reminded me that the reason I shared all this with her was that I didn’t want to behave differently when she was around.  “Mrs. H, if you are supposed to be naked, and you told me all this so you could follow your submissive rules around me, then, shouldn’t you be naked now?”

Damn, what to do?  I told Kayla I didn’t want her to be uncomfortable but she assured me she would not be.  Hell!!!  I was also reluctant because of the detail I left out regarding my punishment for the garage door incident.  It wasn’t just a spanking, but also a breast punishment.  Mike decided I needed an escalated punishment for repeating the same transgression many times, and he whipped my breasts.  They still had bruises (they really seem to bruise so much more easily than my butt).   I didn’t want her to see that.  I felt I already shared too much, too soon, and she didn’t need to see that.

Kayla was jokingly relentless.  “Come on Mrs. H., you said you told me all of this because you didn’t want to act differently when I am around.  Well, I am around and you are acting differently.”

I told her, “Yes, that is all true, but I need to make sure it is okay with Mike and he is not here.”

“Text him,” she said slyly.

I told her that I would not and that perhaps next time if my son wasn’t home she just might be seeing me naked in my house.   I told her to remember that my submission is not just about the salacious details of nakedness and spanking and that it is so much deeper than that and that I want her to focus on my love and devotion and not my spankings.

“Okay, Mrs. H.  Okay”

“By the way, Kayla, please just start calling me Jenny.  You can drop the Mrs. H.”

“Okay, Jenny,” I’ll do that.  But Mr. H is still Mr. H., right?”

“You’ve caught on well,” I responded.

Next: 78. Three’s -not- a Crowd?

73. Pube Shaving Party

Okay, so this image doesn’t really go with the title, but I thought it was cute.

I previously shared my Strip Quarters story as Mike suggested I share some of my sexcapades of my youth.  Here’s another fun experience I had in my college days/daze.

In the Strip Quarters story I shared my experienced with my childhood best friend, Amy.  Amy and I also roomed together in college.  It was my junior year, so about 1990 or so.  We shared a two bedroom apartment with two other girls, so Amy and I shared a bedroom while our other roommates, Cheryl and Barbara shared the other.

We all had boyfriends and while Amy and I still messed around at times, our roommates had no idea that we were bisexual – although at the time I didn’t think of myself as bisexual though.  I liked having sex with Amy, not women in general.   Anyway, suffice to say acceptance of this in 1990 was not what it is today, and Amy and I didn’t want it to be well known that we had sex with each other.   Barbara and Cheryl were great roommates but we didn’t hang around the same crowds and they were definitely more conservative and religious – especially Barbara.

There was a weekend where Barbara had gone back home to visit so it was just us three gals.  Cheryl had gone out with her boyfriend, and Amy and I just stayed decided to have a night in with just the two of us.  Amy and I were on the couch and started messing around, and Cheryl happens to come in as we forgot to lock the door and were not expecting her so early.   I don’t exactly recall but I think Amy had her hands down my pants which were unbuttoned, and I had a hand up her shirt.  Whatever the position we were in, there was no casually moving away and hoping Cheryl didn’t suspect what we were doing.  It was very obvious.

We looked up and Cheryl stood there for a bit and said something nervously like, “Uh, hey, hi guys.  Um, I’ll just leave now.” And she walked out.

Amy and I looked at each other with this look that was a combination of horror and humor.  We started talking about how to concoct some story to minimize the chance Cheryl would be freaked out.  We didn’t want her blabbing to everyone, and knowing Barbara, we felt she would completely freak if Cheryl told her.  We couldn’t come up with any great plan and just figured, “oh well, we’ll just tell her we were drinking and it was just a one-time thing.”

About an hour or so later Cheryl comes back and she is holding a bag.  She looked sheepishly at the two of us and said, “Okay, I want in.”   At the same time Amy and I said, “In on what?”

Cheryl was pretty nervous and said, “You know, I want to be with you all, in that way.”  Neither Amy or I could come up with any words to say as we were perplexed.  Amy opened the bag and pulled out a bottle of tequila and a porno.  Amy apparently went to the liquor store and an adult video store.  Amy said, “Look, I know I have been attracted to girls for a long time and tried to resist, but after seeing you two and after the night I had with my boyfriend, I just can’t hide it any longer.  I don’t know if you all think of me in that way, but I thought if we relaxed and had a bit to drink, and watched this movie, we could, you know, get in the mood?”

Both Amy and I took on the role of more consoling Cheryl than anything else.  It was clear she was nervous and uneasy.  I remember that despite her nerves, she still came across very sure of herself and her feelings.  She just poured her heart out to Amy and I, relived to get it all out to someone for the first time in her life.    The three of us talked for quite a while.  It became clear to us that Cheryl was a lesbian but had been suppressing it her whole life.  Amy and I ended up sharing with Cheryl everything about our relationship together.  Cheryl even shared that she had kissed Barbara once, very deeply and basically a pretty major make out session, but it didn’t go further.  It was alcohol induced and the next day Barbara told her she never wanted to talk about it and that it would never happen again and that was the extent of it.

Cheryl shared the many crushes she had on various girls and women throughout her life and that she knew she was different from a very young age, but worked hard to suppress it – and she was tired of it.  She said she broke up with her boyfriend that evening, and when she left the apartment after seeing Amy and I messing around the couch, she decided that was it, she was “declaring her major” as she laughingly put it.  She was attracted to women and she was done with men.

We proceeded to crack open the tequila and pop in the VHS.  We told her we didn’t need the video, but what the heck, let’s see what she got.  We talked over most of the flick, and as the booze took effect started to get playful with each other.  At some point all three of us were naked and having sex while the movie played in the background.   Occasionally one of us would glance at the tv and say, “Ha, look at that!”  We’d watch for a minute and then get back to the real life action we had going on in the room.

Towards the end of the movie there was a scene where this woman shaved this other woman and it too got our attention and we all commented on it.  Remember, this was 1990, ahead of the trend to go bare down there.  Anyway, I don’t recall if all three of us had orgasms but Cheryl definitely did.  We were relaxing in silence in a naked three-way embrace as the VHS had long ended.  Cheryl then said, “hey, why don’t you guys shave me?”

We were half a bottle in to the tequila and probably shouldn’t be trusted with a razor, but, we were game.  We found some scissors and the three of us went into the bathroom.    Amy had the honors while I directed, “Clip some more off here, clip some more off there.”   Once she was clipped down pretty short, Amy whipped out some shaving cream.  We got a towel and a bowl of water and Cheryl sat way down on her bed so her trimmed snatch was easily accessible.   Amy proceeded to lather Cheryl up and started shaving.  Amy and I took turns at shaving Cheryl and eventually she was bare.  It was quite a mess, as there was water, shaving cream, and hair everywhere.

Amy then said, “Who’s next?”   There was a “no thank you” from me, but Amy was eager and willing.  When we finished shaving Amy the two of them were both begging me to join the “bare down there” club.  Eventually I was talked into a close trim with the scissors, but no shave.

When we were all done we started back up messing around, and basically had sex the rest of night until we fell asleep.   When we woke the next morning we saw the mess we had left.  In our tequila-altered state we obviously had not been focused on keeping things tidy.   Somehow we had a trail of shaving cream and pubic hair all over the floor from the bathroom to Cheryl’s bed, even all over her bed.  We frantically cleaned up, washed the towels and vacuumed as we didn’t know when Barbara would be home.  We kept finding more hair and would have to pull the vacuum back out.  It was quite comical.

We never informed Barbara of what went on.  Cheryl was indeed lesbian.  She started dating other women.  Barbara was a year ahead of us and while she was not happy with Cheryl’s coming out, she continued to room with us the rest of the year when she then graduated and moved out. We heard the phrase “hate the sin, love the sinner” quite a bit that semester.

Anyway, Cheryl now has a longtime girlfriend and I hear they are planning to get married soon.   I feel good that I had some part to play in her coming out and start her on her journey towards accepting that part of her.    All thanks to a her walking in on us, the tequila confidence booster, and the resulting impromptu Pube Shaving Party.

Next: 74. Interview with Sir

62. Sexual Adventures of Pre-DD Jenny

Mike gave me the suggestion (or is that an order?) to write about my sexual experiences in my younger daze, um, I mean days.   I might as well start from the beginning, way back to my virgin days.   Yes, hard to imagine, but I was once a virgin.

I joke that by the time I had sex with a guy (at age 17) I was a very experienced virgin.  By the time the “magic moment” arrived I was well versed in mutual manual and oral stimulation – both with guys and yes, with girls (actually, girl, as in singular).   My first sexual experience was in 1984, before it was an in-thing to be bisexual / lesbian.  Not to say it is always accepted today, but it was not talked about back then and definitely not something you wanted people to know about.

I’ve know my best friend for life, Amy, since kindergarten.  She lived just a few blocks away and we were extremely close.  So fast forward to when we were 15.  We had seen each other naked countless times so it wasn’t even a thing.  Amy had a swimming pool in her backyard and it was pretty secluded, so one of us, not sure which, got the idea to skinny dip.  We would get freaked out every time we heard a noise that sounded like a car pulling up or a car door closing.  We would run and grab our suits and then laugh when no one was there, then get naked again.

One day we were finished with a swim and we were in her bathroom drying our hair.  We both had shorts on but no tops.  I commented about her breasts, which I’ve done before, regarding her abundance and my lack thereof (she developed quite early and rapidly).   She made some comment about me being obsessed with her tits because I always stared at them and talked about them.  Guilty as charged!  I said something about them looking so squeezable or something like that and she said something like, “Well, give them a squeeze and see.”   It wasn’t a sexual thing, it was just playful and innocent, or at least seemed that way.   Well, apparently I groped her for several minutes in a trance like state.  We were real quiet while I squeezed and gave her a major feel up.  Her nipples got big and when she noticed it she broke the trance by covering her tits with her arms and moving my hand away and saying “enough!”  We then both just laughed and I said something like, “Yep, they are squeezable.”  That was that.  Nothing more to it.

It wasn’t much longer after that day that Amy and I were talking about masturbation.  That was a common topic for us as we would tell each other about our favorite things to hump and pretend.  She told me that ever since I “felt her up” (as she referred to it), she realized how good it felt to play her nipples.  I was quasi-offended at her statement that I “felt her up” and part-joking/part-serious said that “I did not feel you up! I was just curious!”  Amy then said something like, “Well, I am curious too.  Can I feel yours?”   So, I let her.  It wasn’t long before we both had our hands in each other’s shirt.  This curiosity turned sexual.

Without going into all the details, the curiosity that we satisfied that day with a mutual grope session turned into greater curiosity and greater satisfaction on subsequent days and weeks.  While we took it slow, it eventually led to us exploring many facets of lesbian sex.  Neither of us felt bad about it.  We both liked boys (a lot) and both felt like we weren’t “having sex with another girl.”  We were just having sex with each other.  It was nice that we never attached anything negative to what we did.  I think that healthy beginning, added to my zero sense of shame, set the stage for a positive outlook on all things sex and my sexuality.

I’ve got a lot of Amy sex stories, not all involving just her and I messing around.  We also roomed together in college.  I could fill several posts with our many adventures. Perhaps another time, and I’ll stick to the stories that occurred at age 18+.   It’s kinda’ creepy thinking about who might be getting aroused by stories of my early pubescent romps (yes, I am talking to you, you sick f*ck!).   Just kidding.

A word from Mike:   Hello all, not sure what to add, but Jen asked that I occasionally share my reaction to a post.  Not much for me to react to as these stories are old news to me.  Jen had confided in me about her and Amy back when we were in high school, and the story of their initial fun together is tame compared to other stories.  We have nicknames for some of those stories such as “Strip Quarters,” “Night Swimming,” “Pube Shaving Party,” and “Reunion.”  I’ll let Jen reveal those in time.   I’ve never known Jen to be shy in the bedroom, but even after all these years and 25 years of marriage, the last year and half have definitely taken things to an entirely new level of exploring.   I am a lucky guy.

Next:  63. Ice, Ice, Baby Redux – A Solution!

19. Sex Clause / How we use it.

Exploring the Boundaries
Your mind is probably thinking of tons of crazy sex acts that must have resulted from Mike evoking the power I gave him in the “sex clause” in our DD contract.  There is one “crazy” one in particular that I will share last, but first, just know mostly I would label his typical use of the clause as “reasonably steamy and mildly sordid.” (This post may be easier to follow if you read  My Approach to my DD Contract, Our DD Contract, and/or Sexual Thoughts, Dreams, Desires, Fantasies).

I can’t remember the exact first time Mike evoked the sex clause but I do remember that he became more vocal in asking for certain things.   Some were things we’ve done many times that he just wanted more of, other were new. For instance, I learned he was way more into ass-play than I previously knew.  We had done anal many times, but apparently it was one of his favorites, as was ass fingering, whether me to him, him to me, or me to me. He also likes to see me naked, no surprise there, but he likes it when I walk around the house naked.  Easy enough, as long as no one else is home.

Some other mild things included adding some more toys to our sex — blindfolds, dildos, beads, nipple clamps, and other assorted items.  We also spent many evenings searching porn together – something we never did before – and would share with each other the type of things that did or did not turn us on.

There are a couple of “steamy” stories I’ll share. The first one I’ll share resulted in my masturbating in front of another couple, but before I share the details of that, here is what led up to that experience.

Public Masturbation
Mike really loves it when I masturbate.  I never know when he is going to suddenly ask me to masturbate in front of him (of course, when no one is home).  One of the most creative and amusing ideas he had involves public masturbation.  He had me cut out the pockets in a pair of my baggy pants so that I can access my pussy through my pockets.  I then don’t wear any panties.   I have masturbated “through my pockets” at movies, at dinner, or other events.

This all came about because we discovered we both shared a mutual desire regarding me masturbating for an audience.  In reality the only audience was Mike as no one knew what I was doing (or at least I didn’t notice anyone figuring it out).  But it was still in public and was and is a big turn on for both of us — and a challenge for me to climax as quietly as possible.

As fun as that was, and still is, it was not really fulfilling that desire we both had of actually “performing” for an audience.  That opportunity would come (pun intended).

I’ll share that in my next post.
Next – 20. Putting on a Show.