Tag Archives: belt

144. To ‘Sir’ or not to ‘Sir,’ that is the question. . .

144.ToSir

There’s a class participation request at the end of this post. Any ideas? 

Mike or Sir?
Mike asked me why, in my posts, do I always refer to him as “Mike” with the exception of using “Sir” when I am sharing specific dialogue?

Being in an increasingly submissive mindset, instead of answering him, I proudly said, “Sir, I will always refer to you as Sir from now on in my blog if that is what you want?”

He told me to bend over and he took off his belt and administered an Immediate Reward. I knew what it was for as this wasn’t the first time this occurred.  I failed to provide him an answer to his question.  Instead, I assumed he was displeased and  i assumed he was asking me to change.  In other words, I felt he was being dishonest in his question and it wasn’t really a question at all, but a request.   Thus, I was being disobedient for not answering him and assuming he had other unstated intentions.

When the Reward was concluded, he again asked me the question.  

“Sir, I purposefully do that in my blog.  I prefer to refer to you as ‘Sir’ when I am sharing what I said in a conversation.  Otherwise, I like to refer to you as “Mike.”  I look at it from the reader’s perspective.  You are not their “Sir,” you are mine.  And I want them to connect to you as person, as the regular guy you are.  If I only referred to you as Sir or Dom or any other title, the risk is that readers will attached their preconceived notion of what those terms infer about you, and some of those inferences may be wrong, or even negative.   As much as possible I want readers to understand you are a great husband, parent, and person.  You’re just “Mike” to them.  You are “Sir” to me!”

 Mike responded, “Fair enough, thank you!”

Such is the challenge a sub can have.  In my zest to want to please Mike and anticipate his needs, I may answer his questions in a manner I think will please him.  I forget that first and foremost, what pleases him the most is answering his questions as simply and directly as possible.  

He has told me before that each time we speak he isn’t always asking me to do something.  Sometimes he just has a question and wants a straight answer.   He’s told both Kayla and I that he doesn’t go for the, “Whatever you think, Sir” response.  That may be in violation of  Code 1516 of the Dom Handbook, but hey, it’s our TTWD, not anyone else’s.  

Mike said it would drive him crazy if each time he asked us our opinion the answer was, “Whatever you think, Sir.”  He feels that is a rude and disrespectful answer with the undertone of, “Duh, Sir, don’t you know I will shape my opinions to yours. Why do you keep asking me these things?”  I’ve received a few spankings in the past due to this as has Kayla (in fact, she got a lot of them for this early on as she was a bit over eager to please). Mike has made it clear that when he asks us a question or our opinion, he is expecting an answer and he doesn’t care if it fails to conform to his wishes or way of thinking.  If he has issues with our true feelings, we can then talk about it.  He believes that we can have “respectful disputation,” as Mike calls it, even with a D/s relationship.  I believe that too, and I am not just saying that, hee hee.

Of course, if the opinions being shared are about a particular action that needs to be taken, Mike is the ultimate decider.  After the respectful disputation he will make a decision and that is that, Kayla and I accept it.   

Three Cheers for BDSM Practioners! 
Check out this article, The Surprising Psychology of BDSM.  Us kinksters may be more “normal” and well adjusted than you think!   I’ll let you reach your own conclusions of how you interpret that study, but here is one of the positives they observed about BDSM practitioners:
“BDSM practitioners exhibited higher levels of extraversion, conscientiousness, openness to experience, and subjective well-being.  Practitioners also showed lower levels of neuroticism and rejection sensitivity.”

Class Participation
To ‘Sir’, or not to ‘Sir’- that is the question 
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
Spanks and nipple clamps of outrageous punishments 
Or to… humm… couldn’t think of a good line here.  
Or to…???    Any ideas?   

NEXT: 145. Another spanking / Immersion Preview

55. Agreement vs. Acceptance: A Spanking disagreement

I hope you enjoyed the prior post.  It was fun to write but it is still not in my nature to share such stories.  I don’t dislike writing about details of sexual adventures, it is only that I don’t have this compelling urge to share such details.  It was still fun!

Getting back to what’s going on regarding my DD and my submission. . .

I have finally come down a bit from my “submissive high.”  I am still getting a lot done every day and am enjoying every moment, but the fever pace I initially went at it has subsided.   Partly because there is less to do – you can only scrub some things so many times.  Our house is immaculate, I feel great, Mike feels like a god (or at least he better, j/k), and our son is doing well.   No complaints.   Well, okay, maybe one.

I got a punishment that I really didn’t like.  Not because the actual punishment itself, although it was not particularly enjoyable, but the reasons for getting it.  I don’t think I ever disagreed with Mike’s reasoning for spanking me as strongly as I disagreed with this one.

Agreement versus Acceptance
Just a quick submissive check — While I don’t agree with Mike I am not feeling any resentment.  I accept Mike’s verdict and accept all the consequences that come with it.   That still doesn’t mean I agree with it.  Not sure what the Submissive Rules Committee would think about that, but for me, I believe I can be submissive and not agree with something as long as I still accept it.  Acceptance is not agreement.

Agreement would mean I have to adopt the same perspective as Mike.  I believe I can be fully submissive and still disagree.  My perspective will never be the same as Mike’s.   It is obviously a hell of a lot more aligned with his than it was in my pre-DD and pre-submissive days, but it won’t ever be the same.

Acceptance doesn’t mean I have to feel all warm and fuzzy.  It means I accept his perspective is valid, even if not aligned with mine.  I accept that his perspective can be different than mine without invalidating my perspective.  I also accept I do not need to prove his perspective is invalid, nor he mine.  Acceptance is not Agreement, nor more than oneness is not sameness.  There I go again with that U2 lyric. . . “we are one, but not the same….” I think I’ve quoted that three or four times now on different posts.  I digress.

Disagreement
I don’t mean that I would display disagreement such as verbally or behaviorally.  I would never do that.  I just mean inside my head, in my own thoughts, I can definitely disagree in the moment, while at the same time accepting the situation in a submissive state.  Our Maintenance Session will give me an opportunity to seek understanding and seek to be understood.  As that is two days away, that gives me time to vent a little here and get my thoughts together for what I want to say.

What happened is rather trivial, which is one of the reasons it irks me.  The specifics don’t matter, but suffice to say Mike was explaining something to me.  It was very unclear to me what he was saying and instead of asking for clarification, I stated a particular conclusion that seemed logical to me based on what I understood.  Mike basically said no, that conclusion was incorrect and again explained the situation to me.   He was nice and it was a normal conversation at this point.  Basically the same thing happened and I restated the same conclusion that apparently didn’t jive with what he was explaining.  Now things escalated a bit.  This went another round with the same outcome.   Escalate some more.

Now this is definitely one of those stupid petty arguments about nothing.   I use the word argument even though we didn’t get loud.  But it was clear we were both getting irritated.  Mike was explaining the same thing over and over, from the beginning, and I kept coming back with the same “incorrect” conclusion.   He finally just said, “That’s it, drop your pants.”

This occurred during the day and our son was over at a friend’s.  We were in an area of the house where we have this arched entry way that transitions from the kitchen to a short hallway that leads to our front living room and entry way.   There are several windows in the living room and around the front door and the blinds were open.

Mike told me to get completely naked, so I did.  Until then all “immediate spankings” required me to drop my pants, get a fast paced spanking, and then pull them up.  “Shock and awe” as we call it.  But Mike was frustrated, and I guess it felt better for him to have me get naked.  He told me to put my arms out and lean against each side of the arch way, so one hand was on the left side of the arch way and one hand was on the right and I was leaning just slightly forward.  I felt very exposed even though I know it is difficult, but not impossible, for people to see in and I could clearly see out.

Mike pulled his belt out and gave me 30 and had me count them all out.  He asked me why I received the “Reward”, which is per our “reward ceremony.”  I wasn’t exactly sure how to best phrase it.  I felt like saying, “Because you are irritated with me.”  I thought better and went with, “Because I have frustrated you sir, by not understanding what you have repeated to me over and over and I clearly began irritating you with my tone.”

“Yes,” he said, “and we are going to do this over as well.”  He gave me another 30.   I was crying a bit at the end, something I don’t often do.  It was due to the emotions I was feeling, not any pain I was feeling.  I really felt the spanking was out of line, but I did not object.

He then said, “And since I am in a repeating mode, let me repeat that again.” He gave me 20.

Seek to understand before being understood
He then said, “Let’s try again.”  He again explained what it was he was trying to explain to me.  This time, I sought to understand him, versus seeking to be understood.  I simply asked him, “if x and y occurred, I am not understanding why it is that z isn’t possible.”    “Aha!” he said.  “You weren’t understanding me.  I never said x and y occurred, I said if either x OR y occurred, then….”

Doh!  Basically, although each time he was prefacing his statement with “x OR y”, I kept hearing it as “x AND y”.   Thus, I kept coming to the wrong conclusion.   The actual issue was a bit more complex than that, but this was the easiest way for me to explain it.  It all hinged on me not hearing one key word he was saying.  Even though he was saying it, I was processing it in my head as something else.  Basically, it was all just a trivial thing that was stupid to escalate into what it did.

We followed our Aftercare process and all was forgiven.   I got dressed and the afternoon continued.

So my disagreement is that it appears to me that Mike used a punishment in anger or frustration.  Not only in the fact he spanked me, but in the manner he did it.  One of our tenants is not to give a punishment in anger.  I’ve mentioned before that Mike is a sweet guy and mild mannered.  Not to say he has never been mad at me before, but this seemed outside what we both have agreed to in our D/s dynamic.   It is clearly outside our DD contract.

I can’t simply dismiss it as doing so can lay the ground work for it to be repeated.   Plus, as long as it bothers me I am compelled to share it.  That is part of our agreement – in fact, it is one of the best parts of our agreement.  Share what is on your mind – respectfully!   We obviously need to talk about it.  I’ve surrendered a lot to him.  I am so happy with how Mike has taken to his dominant role, but as the saying goes, with great power comes great responsibility.  He must wield it appropriately.

I look upon this incident like any other “bump” in the road.  I don’t dwell on the bump and instead look upon it as an opportunity to increase our shared understanding around what we expect and need from each other in our relationship.   I am sure we’ll have a meaningful and positive Maintenance Session on Sunday.

I am excited about tomorrow night and know that on Sunday I can seek to understand and be understood and put this stupid incident behind us!  I’ll let you know what happens both about tomorrow night with John and Donna and about discussing this punishment with Mike.

NEXT: 56. Family Time, Adult Time, and Easy like a Sunday Morning