Tag Archives: attention

297. Love without Limits – My Ode to Blogging

297

So many things I could share — A spanking I got?  Nah.  How about some expressive rant about what submission means to me?  Nope.  Talk of sex with John and Donna?  Uh-uh.  Oh, I have a new person I could tell you about, that’s it!  Nah, just not feeling it.   

Why am I not feeling it?

I’ve been cogitating on my prior post where I shared feeling self-conscious about my nipple piercings and pubic coiffure.  The term “self-conscious” never really resonated with adequately describing what I was feeling.   So what is it??

Then it hit me.  I realized there was more to it than a feeling of self-consciousness.  Further, whatever I am feeling is related to my posting hiatus at the end of the year and my lack of focus on what to share on this post.  Yep, what’s going on is deeper than I imagined. 

More on that in a bit. 

WHY I STARTED BLOGGING
Just after our first anniversary of giving Domestic Discipline a whirl, I reflected on my journey in self-amazement.  I couldn’t fully wrap my head around how far things evolved, not just in a DD sense or a kink sense, but in a relationship sense with Mike.  I had to write things down to fully think through and articulate to myself what this all meant to me.  So I did.  I typed pages and pages of stuff recalling my journey and thought process.  I did it as a mental and emotional exercise, initially not intending it for anyone else to read. 

But the more I typed, the more excited I got.  I just had to share my wonderment.  Yeah, a bit narcissistic, but hey, when you feel you found a good thing, you want to shout it from the rooftops.  But where?  I recalled having read a few blogs as part of my initial research.  That’s it, I would blog about it!

I took those early writings and turned them into my first dozen posts, up to the point I shared my first detailed Domestic Discipline Contract.   I initially never thought I’d go beyond that, but hey, I was hooked.  It was fun to blog, and a great way to sort through my thoughts.  So, with Post 13. Now what? “…the sting of the paddle?”, I stated my intent to keep posting.   I had no idea it would lead to almost three years of sharing in almost 300 posts.     

WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
All the while I had Mike keeping an eye on my blogs.  He is very private, and his go-to response to sharing even the tiniest morsel of personal information online is, “What’s the upside?”  To his credit, he has been good about allowing most things I want to share, with a few obfuscations as to names and some other details.

Mike understood my upside.  Sharing was exhilarating for me, liberating, self-validating.  It warms me to know that others may find value in my insights and journey.  These feelings have propelled me to keep sharing and share more. 

But something has changed, and I was incorrect in my last post.  I am not feeling self-conscious about anything.   So what am I feeling?

SITTING ON A GOLD MINE!
I cherish the life I have, a life that I have worked hard to achieve along with Mike.  I feel so fulfilled, so purposeful, so meaningful in my day-to-day living.  More connected to Mike, more connected to my kids, and to everyone.   I’ve experienced the joy that comes through loving without limits, and it’s not just the sex.  The “free” sexuality aspect of TTWD is just one of many ways to express love without limits.  Such love goes beyond my submission, the sex, and the kink — but to be honest, it was the submission, the sex, and kink that showed us how to love without limits. 

It led us to John and Donna, to Kayla, to the naturalist lifestyle (and the conversation with the neighbors), to helping my friend Valerie,  to interesting conversations with other friends of mine, and to Matt.   Philosophically, it reinforced my belief that your perception is your reality.   And once I perceived a more loving, accepting, and nurturing world, that world became my reality.  Without getting on too much of tangent, I believe people project a certain vibe, and that vibe attracts or repels certain things…people, experiences, etc.   Project a different vibe, attract a different life – it’s karma.

I feel I have this great life that is extremely precious, more so than ever before.  

PROTECT THE GOLD
My life is a gold mine of fulfillment, pleasure, joy, and love.  Why do anything to risk it?  Why put it out there for others to scrutinize?  Why risk coming into contact with the wackos like the “
Fuck you, John” troll?   Why should I be doing anything that poses even the slightest risk at upsetting my apple cart of bliss?  Why share anything shocking that may prompt a negative response or make it that more damning if I am uncovered?   Why open myself to criticism over a very alternative lifestyle?

This “What’s the upside” feeling has been a major headwind that has slowed my blogging

Yeah, all those risks were there from day one, but day one I did not feel I was risking anything of great value.  And now my DD, my whole dynamic, everything about my life that I have shared — it’s priceless to me.  What’s the upside in putting it out there?

So I started feeling more protective of the life I built.  I didn’t want to “show it off” on my blog.  I didn’t want to do anything to draw attention to me or my dynamic.  The piercing and pube thing?  Yeah, that’s minor, but was all about trying to be more invisible.  I responded to fewer emails, I posted less (or not at all), I didn’t talk about it with friends who were aware of certain aspects of TTWD, and I became very passive in so many aspects of my life.  Yeah, trying to be more invisible.

REALLY, WHAT’S THE UPSIDE?
If writing is cathartic, I can do so without putting it on my blog.  So I thought, aha, that’s it, I’ll continue to write but just put it all in my diary.   

But as I considered this, I realized something.  That would just suck.  That would be boring.  And frankly, I hate being invisible.  It just isn’t me.  I am typically “loud and proud.”  And let’s face it, blogging is fulfilling.

Through blogging, I gain. . .

EMPOWERMENT
It creates a strong sense of community that can’t be replaced IRL.  Sure, I could try to forge relationships by going to a FetLife function, but let’s be honest, that’s not where you go to workshop your esoteric rambles!   If it is, tell me where you live, I want to go to one of your FetLife functions.   Let’s face it, self-expression is just more difficult IRL.  Yeah, blogging creates a sense of community, and that sense is empowering.

ATTENTION?
Sure, I could just write in my diary, but that lacks the “publicness” of a blog (is that a word? it is now).  And let’s be real.  The attention of the page views, the sharing in the “likes,” and the participation in the comments. . . yeah, being able to witness the impact of my self-expression gives me a little buzz.   Who can’t help but like the little dopamine hit that comes with every click count we see, every like we get, and each comment that is made?   Look at me, look at me!! hee-hee.  Yeah, I admit it, as I have before, I am a bit selfish.   And, I already said I was a bit of an exhibitionist.

SELF DISCIPLINE 
Making myself think through an event or emotion helps build the emotional muscle memory to make better knee-jerk thoughts in the future. So many times I’ve started to type the “why” or “what” about a feeling, only to realize after typing it out, my initial thoughts were not really what was going on in my soul.   The exercise of getting to the bottom of what and why I am feeling something is just like any exercise.  It builds muscle – in this case, “emotional muscle,” to better understand my feelings going forward.  

BETTER LISTENER
Understanding myself better and allowing myself to be more vulnerable allows me to better understand others and approach them in a way that is more empathetic.  In fact, I’ve found the WordPress community to be empathetic, which makes it even easier to demonstrate my empathy.   I’ve learned from Twitter that it serves no useful purpose to have a dialogue with people who lack the basic empathetic skills necessary to view any experience other than their own as legitimate.  Yeah, that pretty much sums up Twitter.   In any event, that’s not what I get here.  People who aren’t into TTWD either just move on, or may still politely inquire or comment about one thing or another.

MORE ASSERTIVE
I just realized there is an assertiveness-building aspect to blogging.   I don’t mean assertive in an “in-your-face” thing.  That’s not assertive, that’s aggressive.   I mean boldly stating TTWD without apology helps reinforce my confidence in TTWD. 

I AM GOING TO KEEP GOING
I encourage everyone to blog, whether about dating, cooking, a day-in-the-life, or your significant other spanking your insolent butt!  Whatever the topic, it can deliver all the above rewards.

Blogging about TTWD has become important to me.  I’ll get through this funk and plan to keep on blogging.   Yeah, there are risks, but nothing worth gaining comes without some risk.  The risks are small as long as I remain diligent and under Mike’s watchful eye (and firm hand).     

Hopefully, my sharing serves as one more crack in the cornerstone of thinking that kink is disgusting, except your own. Embrace your kink and find others who will embrace it with you!  I sure have.  IRL and with you!  

Love without limits, and you get loved without limits. 

Next: 298. Beware I.S.D’s – Improvised Spanking Device

221. Restriction Pleasure?

restrict

Not THAT kind of restriction!  Ha.  Sorry, I couldn’t find an image to deal with what I am writing about. I am talking about having various privileges taken away, specifically the recent restrictions Mike used as discipline.  By the way – he ended all of my restrictions this morning!  Yea!

I am not sure how to organize my thoughts on this so this may come across disjointed and rambling (Hey!  Whoever just whispered, “Isn’t that all your posts?”  I heard that!).  I also need to blog a bit more quickly and not edit so much (Hey, stop that, I heard that too. Who just mumbled, “Since when have you edited?).   It may be better to simply see my stream of consciousness anyway.  I’ve showed you so many parts of me, so now we are really getting kinky.  I don’t show my stream of consciousness to just anyone!

I AM A FRAUD
I feel like a fraud.  My last post leaned heavily towards me finding healing, although I did admit I was not all the way there.  However, I boldly wrote, “When I next speak to Mike, it will be to reassert my commitment to him, that I will follow his lead.  I will ask him for guidance or suggestions on making sure I have reconciled my anger.”

Yeah, not so much.

Mike came by probably two hours after my last post.  He brought me a barbecue plate and other sides that they had made at John’s.   Instead of being appreciative, instead of saying all the things I planned to say, I whined and complained.  It earned me quite the spanking.  Mike even demanded an apology.  Something he has never done before.  I mean, I often say, “I am sorry, Sir” but this time he told me I needed to apologize to him.  Of course I did.  I felt terrible. 

Luckily, that evening, I was more in control of my feelings and was able to do as I planned.  The humbling act of contrition, clearly demonstrating my submission and surrender to his guidance – it was more healing than anything else I’ve done.  It felt good to verbalize my commitment to follow his lead.

Anyway, yes, the “restriction” thing really has me perplexed.  It wasn’t just missing the Super Bowl party.  It was everything about it.  I’ve never been put on restriction like that.  I really don’t like that punishment.  I can’t quite put my finger on why. 

DISCONNECTED FROM MIKE
It feels a little disconnected from Mike.  Clearly, he is actively involved in
physical punishments.  But I also feel he is connected even when I am given corner time or lines.

With corner time he comes to release me.  Lines I have to turn in for his approval.  But restrictions?  They just linger around.  He doesn’t have anything to do other than order them and lift them.  He doesn’t even have to think about it until he is ready to lift them.  No physical investment and very little emotional investment.  I guess that is why I don’t feel connected to him. 

I never realized that it was important to me to have Mike more physically and emotionally connected to my discipline.  In some ways this could be interpreted as me needing his “attention,” but that is not the right word.  I never got into DD for attention.  I’ve known since the start of our DD that I enjoy connecting with him regarding my discipline.   I think that is it.  It goes back to my last post about self-discipline (SD).  Having him involved in furthering my SD is important to me, and restrictions just don’t give him a level of involvement that is satisfying to me.

DRAWN OUT PUNISHMENT
I also don’t like the protracted negative consequences that come with restrictions.  Being disciplined is a somber event.  Lot’s of various emotions like I shared on
Post 178. Embracing Shame.

Being put on restriction is void many of those emotions, or, it extends some of them, such as shame, to the point it hurts.  What I mean is, the emotions I feel during a spanking are acute — intense and short-lived.  They end with the Closing Ceremony and I quickly reconcile my misbehavior with both myself and with Mike.  But with restrictions, the emotions are chronic – not as intense, but they linger throughout the entire restriction period.  It just feels awful to feel so awful for so long.  

Yeah, I don’t like restrictions.

SILVER LINING
If they have a silver lining, it is that after the fact, in looking back on them, it tickles my submissive-spot to know that I accept such discipline from Mike.  As much as I dislike them, knowing that he can put me on restriction at any time pushes all my pleasure buttons!    Oh, such is the mind of a submissive! 

Next:  222. It’s only kinky the first time