341. Dealing with Covid 19. Anxiety, Control, Donating, Talking, . . . and Blanket Forts!

I feel a bit like Nero playing the fiddle while Rome burned.  Of course, my fiddling involves my clit! LOL.

Seriously though, with all that’s going on it seems rather self-indulgent to talk about my sexploits.  We had our annual Immersion the week of March 8.  The theme of Immersion 2020 was “Swapfest.”  Think of it as the complete opposite of  “social distancing.”  At least our “fluid exchange” was limited to just a small group of friends who all were, and are, reporting that they are completely healthy.   In hindsight, it was dumb of us to have done that, but March 8, was a different world than March 23.

I had a TTWD-related post ready to go,  but before I post that one I felt compelled to throw in my Covid-19 commentary.   So let’s put aside the kink and get serious for a moment and remind ourselves of some things we may easily forget in these times —

ANXIETY
People who deal with anxiety, depression, cognitive impairments, or mental illness may be more severely impacted by the added stress and worry.
Even if you or a family member doesn’t have any of those issues, anxiety levels are higher for all of us, even the otherwise “normally” functioning people.  (Hey, who just said, “Jen, sorry to tell you, but YOU are NOT “normally functioning!”  I heard that.  Come on, admit it.  It was you!).

CHILDREN
Children process information differently and can be more stressed than adults, which in turn can cause added stress for the parents.   Creating a routine can reduce stress, so find a way to structure their days at home and give them something fun and exciting to look forward to.  A family game night, or movie night (pretty much endless movies available on streaming services).

Your family may be distancing from society, but don’t isolate from each other within a household.  Find things to do collectively.  

Use it as an opportunity to teach kids how to prepare a meal (or if that doesn’t excite them, make a cake or cookies).  There are all sorts of things you can do to try and keep the kids from bouncing off the walls.   Go through old photo albums or your high school yearbook with them.  Walk around the block together, google arts and crafts – it’s amazing what you can do with a toilet paper roll and some glue.  Build an awesome blanket fort with them, google how to make cool paper airplanes…. there’s a lot of fun things you can do to keep kids entertained beyond video games.    And finding things you can do with them will allows you an opportunity to do this thing with them called “talking” which is the very best activity you can do with them right now.   

Even if there aren’t kids at home, it might be fun to do some of these things with a spouse or an older child.  Who doesn’t love a cool blanket fort?  

CERTAINTY AND CONTROL
Everyone deals with uncertainty by trying to add a level of certainty and control to whatever they can.   For some it may be subtle and positive – organize that closet, garage, or room that is in disarray, or simply re-arrange the furniture in your house.  For others it may not be so subtle or positive – demand those around us behave and act a certain way, become controlling, demanding.   Or it may be more innocuous – buy all the toilet paper you can get your hands on.

Another constructive thing is to sit down and review your finances – make a budget for the first time – look and see where you money has been going.  Look into any insurance you may need, assuming you feel good about your income and ability to pay for it.   We are all living the unexpected, so some people may feel better about owning insurance that deals with other unexpected things in life.

All of these are things some people may do to try and feel a sense of control in the face of uncertainty.   It’s our way of coping and saying, “you may have disrupted a significant part of my life, but I’ll be damned if I have get reduced to using an old t-shirt to wipe my butt.”  That sounds like it is a joke, but it isn’t.  Really.  Buying certain essentials, like toilet paper, has a positive psychological benefit in times of uncertainty.

What have you done to get your mind of things and that gives you some semblance of order and control? Would love to see you share that in the comments.

DONATE
Donating can give us a positive emotional lift!  Social services will be stressed in many areas.   Donate to Meals on Wheels or some other local charity that will be challenged to provide more services.  If you prefer to help animals, most Zoo’s are ran as non-profits relying on attendance to stay afloat.  Close the zoo and their primary source of revenue stops. They need donations.

Even if it is just $10, it feels good and makes you feel like you are doing something more than just organizing a closet or buying toilet paper.  

Realize that most businesses are NOT multi-billion dollar corporations.  They often have enough cash on hand that if they close their doors they might be able to make payroll once, maybe twice if they are lucky.  Then – they are done.  And that small business that supplies services or materials to larger businesses — if the small business is gone, the larger business can’t get what they need.  I am no financial prognosticator, but 4 out of 5 submissive kinky housewife’s agree that we could see 20% unemployment in the U.S.   While the government works out stimulus and bail out options, WE can all choose empathy and compassion.  It’s free, but admittedly can be in short supply.

TALK!
Another free activity!  We don’t always know what the next person or family member is dealing with or how they are dealing with it, so be extra compassionate.    Don’t add the their dread.  Throwing a pity party will only bring both of you down.  Sometimes just asking someone how they are doing can be very therapeutic.    Call friends, call family members, even those you haven’t connected with in a long time.  They may not want to talk, which is fine, but you might be surprised.  If they do talk, then just talk to them.    Just show empathy and compassion and try not to project your own worry and stress on them – because here’s a tip — they’ve got plenty already!

Don’t add to the uncertainty by saying, “I heard this happened,  I heard that is going to happen…”   Be in listen only mode.  Think of it as an  opportunity to be a calm and friendly voice.   These folks may have only talked to other concerned friends and relatives, or is getting all their news from Facecrook, er, Facebook.  You might be the only person they’ve talked to who hasn’t freaked out over the fact that, most certainly, the virus is a precursor to a bigger attack by alien demons who are controlled by the devil who has been set free because of gay marriage.

HELP MAY BE OUT THERE
People often aren’t aware of the social services that may be available in their area, so remind them they shouldn’t hesitate to reach out to local services if they or a family member needs help.   Almost every community has Meals on Wheels type programs for elderly.   There’s typically mental health crisis support and a host of other services, many of which can be accessed just by phone.  A google search is typically all it takes to find out what social services or charity services are available in a given city.   

There may be a wait lists and it’s not an end-all be-all solution, but it’s worth knowing and they can start looking into it if they are concerned about an elderly relatives access to food (or their own access).   Or, they may not have ever used Grub Hub or other food delivery service (if available in your area).   If you have, share with them how easy it was.  It can be expensive to eat that way all the time, but having occasional take-out at home can at least break up some monotony (assuming restaurants are open, and in some areas they are for take-out only).                  

So if you’ve already stocked up on toilet paper, it’s time to clean your closet. . . or build that blanket fort!  

Stay safe, and for now, suspend the kink, unless it is with someone you are isolating with.  (Hum…worldwide baby boom in December?)

Next: 342. Kayla Interview – Part I

281. Why Domestic Discipline? A Reflection

In a bit of reflective mood.  I’ve exchanged a few emails from a woman who is at a stage I can relate to.  Basically, she is ready to embark on what I experienced all the way back in Post 8.  NOW I am ready to get hubby aboard.   Emailing her got me thinking back to what led me to embrace Domestic Discipline.

In a few weeks it will be three-and-a-half years since me and Mike created our first Domestic Discipline contract.  Four contract iterations later, and I am at a place I would have never envisioned.

I started to reflect on what led me to find DD.  And thus, this post was born!

PRE-DD SELF SABOTAGE
I’ve always been busy, even before Domestic Discipline.  But pre-DD, busy came with a lot of  self-sabotage.  I believe a lot of you can relate.

You keep ploughing away at life without ever stepping back and prioritizing.   And when you are busy, you are stressed.  Stress narrows our focus to where we just keep going, like a hamster on a wheel.   (ah, that evokes memories of Post 30 regarding “intentions” and how they once overwhelmed me).   We go through the motions, never stepping back and considering what’s most important to work on next.  It led me to spend a lot of time on things that weren’t important to begin with, or, weren’t the most important for that moment.  The result is I had a mountain of other things still left to do.

DD gave me a focus.  With Mike’s help, I forced myself to separate tasks that are urgent from those that are important but not urgent, and from those that were not important at all.  Basically, better schedule and prioritize all the household/mom/spouse duties one has and do so with Mike’s involvement.  And for a problem solver like me, who made everyone’s problems my problems, it helped to have Mike remind me to “pay my family first.”   I needed to prioritize my family needs ahead of responding to other people’s needs.  That sounds like a “Duh!” moment, but that’s the thing about self-sabotage.  You don’t even realize you are doing it. 

PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE
When we’re stressed, we often don’t spend the time to think through how to do something.  We have a tunnel vision and again, just dive in and slog through it, as if activity somehow translates to results.  And when you are a perfectionist like I was, you’re doubly overloaded and the result is way over complicating solutions to any problem.  Simple example – I didn’t always keep enough food in the house.  The result, lots of wasted time and added stress of having to make runs to the store to quickly pick up one or two things, or just surrendering and ordering take out (expensive, not as healthy). 

When you are caught up in the moment, any alternative sounds daunting.  Had you told me Pre-DD I should plan better, I would envision hours of meal planning on top of hours of shopping and cooking and cleaning – forget that!   But that thinking overlooks an easy solution.  It often isn’t a choice between two extremes.  Some simple planning and it is easy to prepare more home meals and minimize the runs to the store or the take-out.  Pre-DD I wouldn’t take the time to consider a solution.  Heck, I didn’t even recognize it was a problem.

Another example of this was taking the time to research how to optimize household chores.  Yeah, stuff our parents and grandparents were probably taught in home-ec courses.  What?  Yeah, just google it and you can find all sorts of tips on making household chores easier.  I credit Mike with this one as he had the idea to have a rule that I had to research various chores – Who knew folding a fitted sheet was easy? 

KICKING THE CAN
Pre-DD, once my mental energy was tapped out (which was almost always), I lacked the energy to engage Mike with something I needed.  It takes some emotional and cognitive oomph to engage your spouse.  That is only made more difficult when you have the mindset that they won’t do a task to your liking anyway, so why ask.   So, instead of asking for help, I just added it to the list that I never got to.   I would keep kicking the can down the road, not realizing that the end of the road was already overflowing with cans.  It was then about managing the cans, versus actually accomplishing anything.  Again, activity without results.  DD allowed me to cash those cans in for recycling into positive energy.  

Sometimes solutions are easy.   Keep forgetting to charge my phone?  Buy an extra cord that is just kept in the car.  Keep forgetting various things?  Make lists!!   Make preparing for a task a task in and of itself.  When you are better prepared, the tasks become easier!

RUNNING AWAY
When I was overloaded I always had an impulse to try to just escape.  Escaping could simply mean doing something poorly, like cramming stuff into the closet, quickly closing the door before the stuff all collapsed on the floor, and calling the room clean!   Escape could also mean avoidance.  Just kick that can again.  And of course, watching tv or mindlessly scrolling social media were always great escapes.  And how can I forget my favorite – shopping!  Especially for things I didn’t need. 

I’ve mentioned this before.  I would see a beach towel and my mind would escape to the beach.  I could feel the popping of the towel as I spread it on the warm sand, the waves gently lapping on the shore, warm sun on my body.  Of course, I could only fulfill this escape by buying the towel, because clearly I couldn’t go to the beach in that moment.   Add one more beach towel to that overflowing linen closet!

LESS IS MORE
In simplest terms, Pre-DD my life could be summed up as the undisciplined pursuit of more.  It is now the disciplined pursuit of what is important.  

I needed a way to not only organize my life, but to deal constructively with ways to escape – we all need anxiety relief valves!   And we can be helped by being able to better notice when we are doing something just to avoid doing something else.  It’s about remembering that activity doesn’t mean results.   Activity without results is stressful.  Activity with results is rewarding. 

RISE ABOVE
So yeah, pre-DD I had all these issues, and I know I am not alone.  These issues aren’t personal flaws in my character or yours.  They are not deficits to be loathed or ridiculed.  These are all patterns we can all fall into, some of us deeper than others.  The most highly conscientious and self-disciplined of us aren’t immune to these struggles.

HOWEVER, it all reached a tipping point for me.  They went on for too long and were too deeply entrenched in my every day behavior and thinking.  It had spiraled into one unhealthy, stress filled, and unproductive day after another after another after another.  I could not rise above it without something drastic and without my husbands help.

So I made fixing it a priority, which led me to a search on ideas to fix it.  I stumbled upon DD, and, here we are!  It literally fixed everything.   I am a different person. 

There are the outward things of being highly organized and highly effective at everything household related.  And my results come with what feels like the least amount of effort required to achieve these things.  I replaced activity with results.

And there are the inward things.  Stress-free, anxiety free.  Well, sure, there are days where something can cause concern.  But instead of meeting those days with a paralyzing anxiety filled dreadful feeling, I meet them as simple challenges to be conquered.

Whether the inward things or the outward things, my current life is one of fulfillment and purpose that I never imagined possible.   It’s freed me to be the loving person I want to be, for all the right people who are deserving of my love . . . and even some of those that aren’t as deserving, because, I now have a spare tank of energy that I never had before.  And it has created this circle of positive energy that feeds on itself. 

ALTERNATIVES TO DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE?
I’ll concede that the idea of DD is a bit silly (Post 236 as one example).  There are many other ways that allow some people to have what I now have without subjugating themselves to their spouses.  Fine, but where does that come from when you are emotionally and physically exhausted?  And if I am being honest, I know I lacked the tools and the mindset that would have allowed more traditional ways to be successful.  I touched on this back on Post 220.  I am Healing: Truth about Discipline.   

As great as other ways may be, they are not “my way.”   I know myself enough to know that nothing else would have brought me to where I am today as quickly and as fulfilling as DD.  It has bound me closer to Mike, to my family, to friends, and to Kayla, like nothing else could have.  I love where I am today. 

That’s what my Domestic Discipline has meant to me.  That’s what my submission means to me.  {mic drop}

Next: 282. Sex no Matt(er) what?

102. Sharing Salacious Spanking Stories

Say this five time as fast as you can:  — Sharing several salacious spanking stories. —

Not quite a tongue twister, but a nice alliteration none-the-less. Whatever it is, it is my mantra for today.

REFLECT AND SET THE SITUATION
Before I share, I’ll first do my favorite thing and reflect. Kayla moved in Monday, the 26^th. With one son home from college on break and the other off for another week, it’s been difficult to be overly submissive. We have had to rely on certain nods of the head or other gestures to communicate the need to talk or point out something that is best not said aloud with our present company. Not the best way to start things for Kayla, but she got a nice “introduction” late last week as I shared in my prior post. However, that’s not to say Kayla and I haven’t found ways to remain submissive or be punished. (That didn’t come out right – we don’t look for ways to get spanked – I meant when a spanking was deserved, we found ways to get the spanking done.

Thankfully John and Donna have been accommodating in allowing us to come over and use their house. We jokingly tell John and Donna that we need to “pee pee” as in the abbreviations P. P. for “punishment privacy.”  There’s been a lot of deferred punishments as we have run out of excuses to our kids for running over to John and Donna’s.  It is also a bit humorous when there is a window of opportunity and we scurry to get spanked before the window closes.  My older son, T2, may decide to take J somewhere, or, J may be doing something we me or Kayla, allowing Mike to be with either Kayla or me as needed.  In a pinch, Mike has even delegated to me on administering a spanking to Kayla so that the spanking not be delayed too long.  

I’ve talked to Kayla a lot about how she is feeling and how things are stacking up against her expectations. Overall she says she is doing great but does feel an anxiousness over the desire to really get into a submissive routine.  That routine is challenged by the holiday traffic in our house. She said the experience of the spankings she got late last week have her craving for more. Not specifically more spankings, but just more submission. I sense her uneasiness and anxiety is a bit like the sub-frenzy I went through at one point. There is an addiction to the endorphins and other chemicals that the body naturally produces and it takes some time for that to level out.

I continued to be amazed at how committed she is to this and how she did all she could to prepare. She shared a lot of the stuff she read about online regarding not just DD or D/s but on all sorts of dynamics.  She certainly researched it more than I did when I adopted this lifestyle.   For me there was this sudden connection and attraction to DD that strongly resonated with me. I just knew it was the “thing” for me.

It was and is different for Kayla. She wasn’t looking for something like this. I opened her to the idea when I shared my lifestyle with her. While I did not suggest or infer she adopt it, she said it really intrigued her. She wants to be sexually adventurous but in a safe manner, and she wants to explore different aspects of herself, again, in a safe a manner.  She knows she has some mild neuroses and could easily make some poor choices in trying to cope with it and this exploring could be bad for her if not done safely.

Kayla has been very comfortable in being open and honest  about her feelings. She hasn’t hesitated to share what is on her mind, even when the subject is uncomfortable such as sexual desires. I won’t share all of them with you, but she did admit she is open to exploring more, such as what I did with my M/s Immersion, or in attending some FetLife functions – but all within the safety she feels with Mike and I being present. She said she is no hurry to do those things, and wants to first get into a “submissive groove” with Mike and I.

Kayla has been good at sharing her feelings when we talk in a more reflective or contemplative fashion.  However, she is still unsure of how to articulate her feelings “in the moment.”   What we’ve learned and that she has acknowledged is that she second guesses herself in the moment and is afraid to say anything as it may be “wrong.”  

She philosophically understands that a feeling is a feeling and while they could be insensitive or misplaced, they are never wrong.  Despite that understanding, her tendency is to say nothing at all.  She then lets it fester while she tries to figure out the “right” feeling in her mind.  She then tends to be far more critical of herself, bestowing an inadequacy on herself that in her mind was the cause for the incident.  If she learns to express herself in the moment and engage in a dialogue, I believe she will find that more often than not the situation can resolve itself right there.  No need for second guessing or beating herself up later – and, that the other person’s reaction will be far less critical of her (if at all), than she is of herself.  Easier said than done. I know (as does she) that this habit was born out of how to best survive in an environment that did not react well to dialogue.

OKAY – NOW SOME SALACIOUS SPANKING STORIES!
Let’s see – how about the first time I spanked Kayla!   But first, let me remind you of a few things.  Kayla’s contract is structured like mine when it comes to the types of Rewards (aka spankings). There are Immediate, Prompt, and Delayed Rewards. There is a Rewards Ceremony that outlines how they are administered. Immediate Rewards are given on the spot with a fast paced spanking (“shock and awe” as we call it). After an initial set of spankings, we must state why we received the spanking. If we are able to correctly state why we earned it, then we get a second and final spanking. If we are unable to do so, we get a second spanking, followed by an explanation as to why we earned it, then followed by a third and final spanking.

The first time I spanked Kayla was for cussing. Call us prudes but neither Mike nor I are big cussers. Neither of our parents cussed much and it just isn’t in our nature. Not to say we haven’t let the occasional curse word fly, but it is rare. Added to this is that J really gets freaked out when he hears a cuss word. It is typically more about the emotion in which they are said than it is the actual word, but he actually gets angry and quite animated when he hears someone cuss. Thus, we try extra hard to avoid it.  

On Christmas Eve her and I were home alone for a bit when Kayla dropped her phone and said, “Oh, Fu*k!”  While I agree that when you see your phone rapidly descending towards the floor it is worthy of an “Oh Fu*k” moment, we just can’t have that.  We were in the kitchen and this called for an Immediate Reward. I grabbed a wooden spoon and quickly walked her to our front living room so I could peek out the window to see if a car pulled up.  I told her to drop her pants and bend over the chair. I gave her quick and hard swats. She correctly stated why she was being punished, so I gave her the second set of 15 and that was that.

She was very squirmy on the second set and many times let out an “Ow!” She didn’t cry but was teary eyed. We did our aftercare and all was forgiven.   As has been our process with Kayla, I asked her how she felt about me spanking her. At first she gave the typical, “Fine.” I asked her to “elaborate.” If you read the prior post, when Kayla is asked to “elaborate” it means she has one more chance at expressing herself or will be spanked. Her response showed frustration as it was something like, “Okay, I feel okay with it. Like, of course you are going to spank me and yes I deserved it. So of course I am okay with it.”

I didn’t like her answer and told her to pull her pants back down. I gave her 25 by hand. She was now crying.  I held her for a bit and then asked her again how she felt about it.   She said her initial feeling was that it was unfair. But she didn’t want to say those words because she knows it was fair, but still couldn’t help feeling that it wasn’t. Her phone is fairly new and she had already broken one recently and didn’t want the grief of breaking another. She also felt that 30 with the spoon was too much and they were too hard, and then to get the 25 by hand on top of that. Add to that the embarrassment of getting spanked by me for the first time and how angry I looked and it was all too much.

Now, before the SRC (Submissive Rules Committee) imposes a fine for allowing a submissive to question a punishment, let me remind you SRC members that Kayla has special dispensation to do so. We encourage her to let out her feelings, unfiltered, unedited (except no cussing), and “in the moment” until such time it seems appropriate to do otherwise.

I thanked her for being open and honest and told her I was pleased that she opened up. I purposely didn’t try to address any specific issue such as her trying to justify the cussing due to concerns of the phone breaking, or for me to try to justify or apologize for how I spanked her.  Those are not the issue, and she knows it. It isn’t about trying to “score” her reasons on some rationalization table. It is simply about allowing her to vent, accepting her rant without judgement, and moving on.  In other words, validate her feelings, independent of whether the facts are valid.  

The release of emotions made her cry even more and I held her for some time until she calmed down. I reminded her how beautiful she was and how much we loved her and were happy to have her as part of the family. Surprisingly, she then asked me how I felt about being the spanker versus the spankee. In a joking tone I said, “Fine,” upon which she jokingly responded, “Elaborate.”

It felt good – better than I had anticipated. I both experienced it as Kayla and as Mike. I experienced it as Kayla in-so-much as when I see any spanking I relate to the spankee. I feel a bit of the sting and endorphin rush that they are feeling. I feel their submission and I identify with that submission.  In this case, I identified with Kayla but also with Mike. The sensation of the spoon on my hand, or my hand on her buttocks, was new. I’ve spanked Donna before but either in play or on behalf of John.  My feelings surprised me as going in my thought was I would simply feel as if I was the submissive, spanking her because Mike allowed it.  But no, in spanking Kayla I was not just doing as a Dom asked, I was the Dom.  In addition, I was not just anyone’s Dom, I was Kayla’s. That means a lot to me.   I jokingly said, “Is that sufficient elaboration.”   Kayla responded, “Yes, Ma’am, it is.”

All spanked out!
Wow, so okay, that was just one spanking story and I promised several.   Sorry to disappoint, but this post is getting long. I’ll share more in another post.

It’s hard for me to be succinct and just give the facts on the spanking. I feel compelled to give the reflection and reaction as well. As I said all the way back in Post 13, that’s just how I am. In keeping with my blog’s name, this is Domestic Discipline, administered and shared “Jenny Style.”   Enjoy!

NEXT: 103. Curious Cat

79. Anxiety, Resentment, Jealousy, Guilt

I am very anxious. I need to purge my emotions, so apologize in advance if this becomes a rant. I don’t think I am saying anything I haven’t shared with Mike and Kayla, but perhaps some new or more constructive ways to express my feelings will emerge.  This is a continuation of what I’ve shared in this post and this post, and in this post as well.  Sorry to have to share as the events unfold, but it sure is great therapy to write this.

This whole thing with Kayla has me all out of sorts and I can’t put my mind to just about anything for more than a few seconds without it drifting back to our situation with Kayla. I already talked about the risks that concern me, such as the increased need to practice safe sex, the implications of Kayla being someone who our son is close to, and my motherly instincts being more prevalent when I interact with Kayla and thus makes it harder for my mind to see her in a certain way. In addition, my concern that her neediness may cause problems.

What if we pursued something?
Putting everything aside that I previously stated, the other issues are that if we did pursue a sexual relationship, what exactly would that entail?   F*ck-buddies?  Would she partake as a submissive?  It sure seems to be leaning toward the latter…and submissive to just Mike, or perhaps to me as well?  What would that be like?   These are all questions I’ve posed and the three of us have discussed. And here is where we stand.

F-buddies?
I only use this term because Kayla had used it to describe her relationship with her best friend and her best friend’s boyfriend. Kayla said that she does not want that for the three of us, that we mean so much more to her and that it is so much deeper than just a physical interaction. She talked of saying she would end the sex with her best friend if we all pursued a relationship. She even used the term, “I love you guys.”   And of course, we love her, she knows that, and we said so.   While that could be a good thing, to me, it is part of my struggle.   The situation could set her up for disappointment or hurt later on. I can only imagine what being “the third wheel” could be like and beyond disappointment and hurt, it could build resentment on her part.   Bottom line, it could turn our great relationship into an unhealthy one for her. That has implications for all of us.

And, just what kind of relationship would this be?   I guess it could be called poly, which I’ve never really considered. I have no qualms with that term, but, is that what this would be? Kayla uses the term “relationship” so there seems to be a certain level to commitment she is willing to make, but are we?

Her as a submissive?
When I think about this I actually feel two feelings that rarely surface in me. I feel a level of resentment with a dash of jealousy.   I am not a jealous person by nature, it is very un-me! I don’t like it. Here’s what’s going through my mind.

Waves of Resentment.

• I work hard on my submissiveness, she may not take it as seriously as I do. She may not be committed to it as I am. She may look at it as simply a game.   I resent all of that.
• What rules would she have? Same as me? Different? If different, are they less/more restrictive than mine? If she can do something without punishment but I can’t, well, that’s just messed up. Who does she think she is? I resent that.
• Would she also be accountable to me? I like that, but we would have figure out how that works as ultimately I do want Mike to be the ultimate authority figure and I want to be fair with Kayla. However, I like the idea that there is something to remind Kayla that despite her participation, she is not my peer. If she thinks of me as a peer, I resent that!
• Her level of commitment could never be consistent just due to lifestyle. She lives with her mom and goes to school. What, she comes over now and then when she chooses?   It makes it seem more like a game for her and not a lifestyle. Again, I take my commitment seriously and she will just be unable to do the same, even if she wanted to. I resent that!

Add in some Guilt.
Then I begin feeling guilty. Why wasn’t my first response to Kayla not one of compassion but instead a series of assessments as to her “fitness” to be with us?  See, the resentment is already manifesting itself in unhealthy ways as it poisons my empathy and compassion.

I shared just about everything I’ve written here with her, and of course, it did make her sad and she cried.  Not a full on cry, but teary eyed and emotional.  I know it wasn’t just in what I said, but in the manner in which I said it.  I know my tone was somewhat biting.  I apologized for my tone and tried to explain that it is not about a deficiency in her, it is about the realities of where she is at in life compared to ours and that despite our mutual love and respect, it just may be incompatible to the type of relationship we are considering.

All of my concerns are just as much about my own baggage and needs as it is about hers.   Ug, that sounded a bit like, “it’s not you, it’s me.”   But I want her to know I don’t see her as unworthy.

Dash of Insecurity?
I also have concerns about priorities. Will Kayla be a high enough priority for Mike and I that we do right by her, and will we be a high enough priority that she does right by us?  In other words, do we end up just considering each other as “available options” or is the relationship to be more meaningful than that. Not that whatever we have can’t be casual if that is what we decide, or that it can’t be more meaningful if that is what we decide, but each route has implications.

We all are works in progress to some degree, but Kayla, given her age and background is just more so.  I also am aware that whatever issues a person has they bring to any relationship. That’s a given and by itself not necessarily a problem.  But it can become one if that person is not willing to work on their own issues or allow help from their partners.   So far Kayla has impressed me with her own self-awareness of her needs, her strengths, and her weaknesses.  Including her willingness to seek advice and guidance and be open to constructive feedback.  That’s a plus, but apparently not enough to eliminate my concerns.

While I have been very impressed with Kayla’s reaction and responses, it has not lessened my anxiety about all these things. Yes, she has some needs, but don’t we all. She’s loving, caring, and self-aware, has some abandonment type issues with her parents but recognizes that and does not shy away from it. I can see that this could be fun and could be meaningful. But, my life is so good right now, and has already moved pretty fast in just the last 18 months. None of the positives I see with Kayla are enough to reduce my anxiety, resentment, and jealously, nor reduce my guilt for feeling anxious, resentment, and jealous.  And then we have the concerns I first expressed in my other posts.  Concerns about complicating my life and the fact Kayla is someone special to my son.

All these bad feelings.
 Sum it all up and another significant roadblock is whether or not we could ever have an arrangement where I don’t feel these negative feelings.  I don’t want to feel these things but that doesn’t change the fact that right now I do.  I know these feeling would end up manifesting themselves in various unhealthy ways. Unhealthy for me, my relationship with Mike, and for Kayla.   If I can’t get past these feelings, we just can’t move forward.

Mike and Kayla both seem to be outpacing me on this issue. While they are not dismissive of my concerns, they feel more carefree about just diving in, living life, and what happens will happen. I have reiterated with Mike that I stand by my commitments to him and will abide by anything he decides.

Where we are today
Mike said we should having a “cooling off” period so we all can reflect and continue to discuss our feelings.  That makes me happy and does reduce my anxiety a bit.  Mike set a date of November 15, where he said no decisions should be made before then. We’ll reassess on that date and he may decide we continue to wait or not, assuming Kayla is aboard with what he decides – which apparently she is.

One question I posed to Kayla that she has not been able to fully articulate is how she sees this dynamic working in her mind. What does she see as the ideal situation for her?   She has shared bits and pieces but hasn’t thought it through enough, so I am hopeful some additional time will allow her to understand and share her own needs and expectations better.   I hope that for myself as well.

Next:  80.  Breakthrough.  What a Week!