Tag Archives: advice

222. It’s only kinky the first time

222

SILVER LINING OF MY RESTRICTION
Mike went through my emails, blog, and social media while I was on restriction.  He knows all my accounts/passwords.  While he occasionally peruses them (and often reads my blog), he never spent a lot of time looking into my online world – until last week.  And it was very beneficial. 

He spent hours going through my stuff.  He admitted he got immersed into several blogs and into chains of various emails and text.  He said it’s like watching a television show or reading a novel and he wants to know what’s next.  He could see that I try to be helpful and it was clear to him people appreciate my insights.  He said it made him better understand the gratification I get from it all and the addictive nature of it.  

Not that I am going to have more “me” time, but, it was nice for him to acknowledge that he didn’t see my social media interactions as foolish or a waste of time.  Of course, he didn’t see the hours I wasted on Candy Crush and Two Dots.  Ha.  But seriously, he was very supportive of me continuing my interactions, so long as they don’t interfere with things. 

Not all of my interactions are with “virtual” friends.  Part of my recent time management challenge was that I also increased my time and attention with my real world friends.  My focus on them began to escalate about two weeks ago, and I think this was the tipping point in being unable to manage my time wisely.

GAL PAL LUNCHEON
A couple of weeks ago I had a luncheon with my “gal pals.” (I almost didn’t get to attend per Post 211).   I told them some time ago that Mike and I “swap” with a couple.  While astonished, they weren’t offended or freaked out by it.  Hey, I still got invited to the next lunch!

At the time my revelation was against our rules (Post 132) but Mike and I are now more open about things.  Not a “shout it from the rooftops” openness, but, just not going out of our way to hide to it and honestly answering any questions.  Thus, I went into the luncheon with the mindset I was open to share whatever came up.  I expected questions in the wake of first telling Valerie I couldn’t attend because “Mike told me I couldn’t.”

MEET THE LUNCH BUNCH
Joining me at lunch was Jill, Shawna, Valerie, Barbara, and Gennie.  Yeah, pronounced “Jenny” but spelled differently.

Everyone is married (some on their second).  I knew Shawna in high school and Jill is her older sister.  Valerie is a former co-worker of mine and just a few years younger than me.  Barbara is a friend of Shawna’s while Gennie a friend of Valerie’s.  They both joined our circle a few years ago.  Gennie is the “youngster” of the group, in her early to mid-30’s.

Keep in mind us gals have talked about sex before.  No explicit details, lots of innuendo and just fun giggly girl talk!   Yes, we tend to act very immature when we all get together.  Thus, while my revelation to them about swapping was “out there,” they all reacted well.  Shocked, but not like, “how dare you” shocked.

Casual dress code – for me that typically meant tee-shirts and blue jeans, just a bit of makeup.  I might even wear a spaghetti strap top and give no mind to whether I showed none, a little, or a lot of cleavage.  I never gave thought to “looking nice” for our lunch.  I mean, I wasn’t a slob, but my appearance was not a focus.    

LUNCH BEGINS
It didn’t take long for the conversation to turned towards me.   

“So Jenny, any hot foursomes lately?” Shawna has always been the direct one and loves to instigate controversial conversations.

“On occasion,”  I replied without hesitation or alarm. 

My response was greeted with some giggles, smiles, and at least one “oh brother” roll of the eyes (Jill has always been the more negative, judgmental one of the group).  But no one questioned me further. 

Several of the women complimented me on my appearance.  Yes I was rocking a dress from my new wardrobe.  Most of my dresses are jewel neck (no cleavage), elbow length in the arms, mid-calf length on the legs.  I also had on more makeup than usual and my hair was more neatly styled.

“You’re all dressed up for us?” I was asked.  ” Gosh Jen, feeling modest today?” says another with a laugh.   “Have a date afterwards?” says one in a hopeful, excited manner.  Not to miss the opportunity for a jab, Jill added, “and is it with someone other than Mike?”

“Mike likes it when I make my outside appearance match what I am feeling inside.  Life is great, so why not look it on the outside and please Mike at the same time?”  I added, “And no, no date today with anyone but y’all.”  Yeah, I emphasized the word “today” for suggestive effect.  

That triggered Jill to ask in her typical “judgey” sort of way, “So, you can like date whomever you want and Mike is okay with it?”

Nonchalantly I answered, “No, it doesn’t work that way.  We just have a very small circle of friends that we have sex with.  And I leave it up to Mike to decide who is allowed in this circle.” 

And then Valerie said, “speaking of Mike, what was with him not allowing you to come, and then changing his mind.  Since when do you ask for his permission?”  And with that, the damn burst open.

REVEALING MY D/s
Without going into exhausting dialogue, there was lots of questions and answers that led me to share many aspects of our D/s dynamic – questions similar to those my sisters have asked. (Post 200 and others).  

I confidently and calmly answer questions, never getting defensive.  I see it as an opportunity to explain how I found a level of fulfillment and joy that I never thought possible.  Behind the salacious aspects of discipline and sexual adventure, the core of my submission is about fulfillment and I kept the focus on that.   

At some point Shawna asked, “So are you bixsexual?”  She had this grin because she knew the answer.  But, I also knew that she has had her share of experiences — we’ve been friends since high school.  I knew she was asking it just to see what kind of reaction it would get from the other women.  But instead of being the one to provide the shock she was looking to give the group, in fun, I turned the tables.    

“Yes, aren’t you?”  I said playfully.  She answered no, to which I followed in a very leading way, “Come on, never?  That’s not what I heard.  Not even experimented?

She tried to deflect, “Hey, we are talking about you!”

Knowing I “got” her, I triumphantly replied, “I think you all have heard enough about me.  Let’s talk about Shawna’s experience with being with another woman.  Do tell.”

EVERYONE SHARES
Long story short, Shawna proceeded to admit to her college experiences (yes, as in plural).  Instead of crossing a line in acceptable behavior, her answer broke the barrier I had weakened and suddenly everyone wanted to share.

Valerie, the more reserved one the bunch, fessed up she had multiple experiences, first in high school, another in college, and one she had in her mid-20’s.  Thus all eyes turned towards the three who hadn’t spoke of any experiences.  “No, not me,” said Barbara and Gennie.  “Not me,” said Jill, who surprisingly added, “but I did once take a shower with another woman and we played with each other’s boobs, but that was it.”   Of course, we had to ask for details, which she provided.  Ah, summer camp!

It led to more intimate questions and answers about threesomes and sex toys.  Valerie admitted one of her experiences with another woman was part of a threesome with her then boyfriend.  And Jill, who I think gained confidence in being forthcoming via her “playing with boobs” story,  then gave the group a shocker that I believe was bigger than anything I had shared.  I mean, the group already knew I was “different.”  Jill is a bit of a curmudgeon and typically not very forthcoming with personal details.

In a shocker, Jill then adds, “Well I had one with two guys.”  Turned out her first threesome was with her current husband and a friend of his, before they got married.  Basically, it involved a lot of alcohol and  they swore to each other to never bring it up again.  Then she added, “Okay, make that twice.  We did it one more time with the same guy before resolving to not do it again.”    

And as for sex toys, all but Valerie said they owned at least one.  Gennie shared they had a couple of toys, both his and hers, including blindfold and cuffs.  And while she didn’t share the details, Shawna said she had a “small arsenal” of toys.  As no one asked me for specifics, I didn’t provide details of my stockpile.

The conversations turned to more mundane things, what each other’s kids were doing, summer vacation plans, and what not.  Even so, I am sure anyone in the restaurant within earshot had a great story to tell their friends about the sexual exploits of this table of women they sat next to.

POST-LUNCH
There were follow up one-on-one conversations, emails, texts, and  Valerie even came over to my house to talk.  She is “somewhat” submissive by nature with her husband and the thought of some of the formal elements of D/s intrigues her.

By the way,  I have to get Mike’s permission to have a guest, and he decides about my attire, or lack thereof.   In this case, he said since Valerie already knew so much, there was no reason for me to be clothed.  I forewarned her, and she said, “Fine, I get to see you in your natural habitat.”

While Valerie was the most inquisitive following the lunch, I did hear from some of the others.  It ranged from uneventful advice on a sex toy, to potentially life changing advice on how to approach their husband with the idea of a threesome.  I have sort of become the de facto sex therapist for the group!

I love it!  It fed my need to help people solve their issues.  The absence of rejection from anyone in the group emboldens me even further.  I am energized and excited about sharing my insights, even more so than I always am.  However – I let that energy and excitement morph into compulsion, leading me to improperly manage my time – thus the punishment.

I am still going to keep talking with them, and my “internet” friends as well.  Just doing so once I have met my household duties and obligations.  It fells so good to be more out in the open about my submission.  It felt even better to see how my revelation led my friends to open up about some kink in their lives.

I told them, “it’s only kinky the first time.”  After that, it is just routine!

This is why everyone else’s kink is weird and gross and indicates something is wrong with them, while your own kink is totally healthy and normal.

Next: 223. Telling the kids: A natural/ist conversation

204. Returning to Submissive Headspace

204

I mentioned in my last post that the holidays have pushed me out of my submissive mindset.  Having to focus on all the things surrounding Thanksgiving and Christmas, having to put off a lot of TTWD because of kids being home, visits to and from family, etc.   It made me realize I need to do two things.   

  1. Get back in my submissive head space
  2. Think about how I can do better the next holiday season.

WHAT IS SUBMISSIVE HEAD SPACE
Disclaimer:  Definitions are tricky as words mean different things to different people.  My definitions may not fit yours.  I am interested in people’s perspectives as to what labels or words mean to them, so if you disagree, please respectfully comment. 

It may help to differentiate Subspace from Headspace.  To me; 

  • SUBSPACE:  In a word, “intense.”
    An alternate mental state which some submissives achieve during very intense play.  It’s like a high, a dream, a dissociation with mind and body.  It involves a lot of endorphins and euphoria.
    I’ve never experienced it, nor see it as something I must experience.  I believe it is more for those that use D/s as play, and could result from a specific scene or play session.  We really don’t “play” like this in our dynamic.  Our D/s is heavily weighted towards DD versus BDSM.   
  • HEADSPACE: In a word, “connected.”
    A trusting, accepting and peaceful space where I am singularly focused and connected with Mike.  This clarity makes me feel like my submission is at its peak and gives me great joy – a bliss in service and submission.

GETTING BACK
I shared with Mike that I need help in getting back in submissive focus.  I asked Kayla if she felt that way too.  She did, but for her, the holidays didn’t “mess her up.”  She said he relationship with Michaud has.

While she loves being with Michaud, a part of her feels like every moment with him is a moment not serving Mike.  Her and Mike have talked about this and Mike reassured her that he was okay with it and he wants her to pursue relationships.  But as the three of us talked, it became clear to me that the solution isn’t Mike’s acceptance of her relationship, it is about Kayla’s need to serve Mike.  Thus, the three of us decided to tackle this “headspace” issue together.  

Whether it is the holidays, another love interest, or whatever you have going in life, I am sure every submissive has their moments where they just feel out of their submissive headspace.   Maybe you even just wake up “not feeling it” for some unknown reason.  Whatever the cause, here are some things we came up with to help us get back on track. 

  1. TALK ABOUT IT – This is a simple one but easy to overlook.
    Acknowledge it and share it.  Mike, Kayla, and I already did this, which is why we came up with this list! 
  2. COMPLETE BREAK
    This is counter-intuitive.  A “time-out” from being submissive.
    I have this theory that it can be harder to go from 50% headspace to 100% than it is to from 0% to 100%.  Clearly is sounds like you have further to go in the latter equation, thus it must be harder than the former.  I say, “Not so!”   It’s about motivation and momentum.   Starting from zero you can zoom up to 50 in no time, momentum from positive vibes and feelings of accomplishment then take you to 80, 90, then back at 100
    Taking a break also gives you a clear starting line.  You take a break and the moment the break is over, it is time to get to work on your mindset.   The break forces you to give this your full attention.  Without it, you may just incrementally go about it.  
    Kayla and I are going to implement this one tomorrow with a girls day out, courtesy of Mike.  Yes, a Spa Day!!  Hair, nails, facial, massage, and some shopping.  Just the two of us, not thinking about what Mike wants or needs for the day. 
  3. RITUALS
    Starting the morning after we complete #2, we add a lot more rituals, at least temporarily, to help us get back into our mindset.   

    1. Mantras: I’ve shared before that both Kayla and I have various Mantras we recite at various times.  I only started doing this with our October 2017 contract and have found them to be highly effective at focusing my mind on submission.  You can read my Mantras on Post 173.
      We added a “Greeting” Mantra.  We already have an “Entering the House Ritual” so this just codified a greeting we will use when Mike gets off work.  Still working on the words but you get the point.
    2. Declarations of Service:  Similar to a mantra, we are to thank Mike each time we do something for him.  It can be as simple as, “Thank you, Sir, for allowing me to prepare and serve your dinner.” 
    3. Kneeling:  When he is seated, we will kneel next him, quietly awaiting any command, and asking permission before we attend to anything else.  As part of this we are to “overly ask for permission.”  It may border on annoying to Mike, and he will let us know if it does, but we literally are to ask him permission for anything we do in his presence.    
    4. Collaring:  I don’t have a collar.  Kayla has a discreet one she wears all the time.  Well, make that, I “didn’t” have a collar.  Mike went to an adult store and purchased one for each of us and they are definitely not discreet.  Thick black collar with large ring pendant, much like the image I used in this post.   We will wear it at home, and Kayla is to wear it when she is at Michauds.
    5. Leaving Home Reminder:  I already have this per our latest contract, where Mike will give me short, but firm spankings anytime the two of us are leaving the house to go somewhere.  These are to remind me to focus my submissiveness while out in public.   Now, Mike will do this anytime we leave the house for any reason, with or without him.  And for Kayla, the spankings will be even longer and more firm when she is going to see Michaud.   
    6. Bathing, Dressing:  We took a page from our Immersion days, and with Kayla and I are not allowed to bathe or dress ourselves. This is also a bit counter-intuitive as it would appear Mike would therefore be serving us – but the context is not service to us, but a sense of helplessness for us.   At least we left off the assistance with eating and toileting – I’ll wipe my own ass thank you! 
  4. SET REALISTIC GOAL
    It isn’t realistic to assume 100% submissive headspace 100% of the time.  Recognize the goal isn’t 24×7 bliss.  That’s unreasonable…but I know I can at least attain an everyday normal that just feels submissively-good to me.  Right now I am not there, but with these steps, I know I will be soon. 

Of course, all of these require some adjustments on weekends and when J is home from school.  And, of course, failing to perform any of these subjects us to punishments.

Mike said we will do this for a week and then he will evaluate.  Some elements of it we may continue permanently.  For example, Kayla liked the idea of a spanking before she sees Michaud.

HOW TO DO BETTER NEXT HOLIDAY SEASON?
We all agreed that, whether it is next holiday season or various things that happen throughout the year, the three of us need to communicate and be more aware of  the things that may distract us from our D/s.  It can help if we preemptively implemented some of the steps I shared above (especially lots of spa days, lol).  But more than trying to prescribe a remedy in advance, it really is about communication and determining the right steps to take based on the circumstances of that moment.   

I look forward to getting this started, especially the “day off.”   This made me wonder, does Mike ever need a break or help with getting back into a Dominant headspace? That will be for another post!

NEXT:  Post 205. In Praise of my Dominant

181. Domestic Financial Discipline

181

Now it’s time for some financial tips, DD style!   Ha.

Whether or not your relationship registers on the kink-spectrum, money can be a challenging topic for any couple.  I thought I’d share how Mike and I handle finances.  Yes, boring! You want to read about a spanking or two.  Sorry, but even kinksters have to address everyday issues and determine to what extent those issues incorporate their chosen relationship dynamic.  A post by NaughtyNora prompted me to share how Mike and I handle finances.

MONEY
Control of money is associated with power.  Giving a submissive any control over the finances seems counter-intuitive to a D/s relationship.  However, some relationships consider it a household task, akin to cleaning, thus no issue with the sub being responsible for the money.   Basically, if the Dom doesn’t like to deal with it, whether it be finances or anything else, then it makes sense that the sub takes care it.  

As with all things D/s, it is up to each relationship to define the level and types of D/s behaviors work for them.  There is no set rules, no D/s club to be kicked out of.  The only rule is you must do whatever it is that you find works for your relationship.   That may mean the sub is very involved when it comes to the finances.  Then again, it may mean they aren’t involved at all.

This seems weird, but I feel like this post is more personal than others?!?  Funny how talking money seems more personal than talking sex and kink?  Odd, isn’t it?  Anyway….

HOW WE DO IT
Mike and I use a system we adopted about four years prior to us adopting Domestic Discipline, so nothing Dominant or Submissive was intended.  It simply helped me better understand what is truly available to spend on our day-to-day needs.

For us, even though it seems that Mike yields the most “power” with the finances, he reminds me that because I spend 90-95% of the money (outside our fixed bills), I am the one with the power to make or break our finances.  It is my behavior in regards to financial decisions that has the greatest significant influence on the finances.    So how can it be that Mike has the “power” yet I have all the “influence?”

TWO JOINT CHECKING ACCOUNTS
We have two primary checking accounts.  We are both on each account and can both monitor account activity.  One checking account is our “Bills” account.  The other is our “Day to Day” account.

The Bills account is where Mike’s paycheck is deposited and where all our monthly bills are paid; mortgage, utilities, savings, etc.  All are done via automatic withdrawal so there are never checks to write… and yes, we consider “savings” as an expense.  It is the only way to be disciplined with savings is to simply set aside a fixed amount every month, no matter what, just like a bill.

Mike will calculate how much money, until his next paycheck,  is left over from his current check once all the bills that are coming due are subtracted.  He leaves a small cushion and then simply transfers what isn’t needed over into the Day to Day.   For instance;

  • $4,000 balance in the Bills Account
  • $2,600 in bills to be paid before the next paycheck
  • $150 cushion to stay in the Bills Account
  • $1,250 to transfer to Day-to-Day Account ($4,000 – 2,600 – $150).

This means we have $1,250 for groceries, gas, clothing, entertainment, or whatever comes up over the next two weeks.  While be both use the Day-to-Day, I probably account for 90-95% of what is spent from this account. 

Mike and I may discuss whether or not the Day-to-Day account needs the full $1,250.  For instance, maybe there is still a $500 balance in the Day-to-Day before he transfers.  If  we know we don’t have any particular unexpected day-to-day expenses coming up, we may agree that $1,750 is way more than what is needed for the next two weeks.  Thus, Mike may decide to just transfer $1,000 over instead of $1,250, and put an extra $250 into savings.

Conversely,  if we plan on spending more than normal, say back to school clothing for J, Mike may decide to transfer $1,500 instead of $1,250, and take the $250 out of savings.  Although I have access to all the accounts, we agreed that Mike would make the decisions on whether or not to ever take money out of savings.

TWO JOINT SAVINGS ACCOUNTS
We have two joint savings accounts.  One is a “true” savings account where we save for big ticket items and the unexpected.  The other is specifically for medical expenses (yes, this is America where healthcare is a constant threat to the finances).  Since our health insurance has very high deductibles, we have enough set aside to fully pay those deductibles at any time, thus an unexpected health event won’t hit our “true’ savings.

Given J’s high medical bills each year, we always know we are going to pay his out-of-pocket maximum every year ($5,000).  Thus, about $192 of every paycheck goes into our “Medical” account so we replenish the $5,000 we spent during the year on J’s care.  In addition there is HSA money put aside through Mike’s employer, but that helps cover the rest of our family out-of-pocket costs and other medical care that insurance doesn’t cover.  Overall structure is a bit more complicated than I state here, but suffice to say, we have a lot of money set aside specifically for healthcare.  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!  U.S.A.!

NO CREDIT CARDS
We do have a joint credit card account – however, I don’t keep a credit card, only Mike has one (yes, only one credit card!).  This is for emergencies and rarely gets used and quickly, if not immediately, gets paid off.  

HOW IT HELPS ME
The purpose of all these accounts was to help me – not as a submissive – but as a money manager.  I was never good with money as to me, money serves one purpose — to spend it.  If you aren’t spending it, then it really isn’t money, right?   There was a time that I felt if there was money in the account, then it could be spent.  Even though I consider myself educated, college degree and all that, and I can rationalize that there are bills that aren’t due yet but will have to be paid…. I still had this issue that if there was money in the account, it was there to spend.  Thus I had a lot of overspending issues in my life.

Lastly, both of us agreed it was important for me to be on all the accounts and for me to understand what money was where.  This isn’t about power, it is about practicality and safety.  If something unexpected were to happen to Mike, I need to know and have access to the money plus I need to learn how to stick to a budget if he is gone.  I now feel I have the financial discipline to handle it. 

ADD SOME DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
Mike came up with this “Bills” versus “Day-to-day” and separating the savings accounts so that I could better visualize what was actually available for me to spend over a certain amount of time.  It worked wonders in establishing Financial Discipline for me.   

Now add in the Domestic Discipline!  I can not purchase anything other than essentials without Mike’s permission.  The result?  Wow, we are saving more money then every before!  Which means maybe Mike retires a year or two earlier and/or we have nicer vacations, more spa days, our XXX-mas shopping spree, and our clothing shopping spree.

Peaceful financial matrimony. . . make that,  MATRIMONEY! 

NEXT:  Post 182.  Hello, my name is Kayla


158. Jen’s Simple Tips & my Golden Rule of Domestic Discipline

158a

I feel I am a bit of an expert on DD, but I also know my expertise is limited to what it means for me to be submissive.  Yes, I have some insights into Kayla and Donna, but their journeys are their own, and Kayla’s is still rapidly evolving.   So, yes, I know I am no expert, but, I have learned a lot in a short amount of time.  

I enjoy reading “newbie” blogs – those who are new to DD or D/s or in exploring kink in general.  I feel compelled to impart some wisdom, perhaps to save them from struggling, feeling anguished, or giving up too soon.  However, those struggles and feelings may be necessary for growth.  Sometimes you can’t explain something away for someone — they  just have to experience it in order to truly reconcile it.   With that, what am I going to do?  Well, I am going to give my advice anyway.  

MY ADVICE TO SUBMISSIVES
Advice #1 – Take all advice with a grain of salt.  If it resonates with you, great, but if not, then just dismiss it and move on.  Your journey will be unique, because D/s or kink in general is such a diverse thing.  You may find one thing in common with another D/s relationship, but 100 things that are different.  So seek information, lots of it, but don’t try to force what you read or hear into your situation.   

Advice #2 – Recognize that being submissive is not playing or acting submissive.  It is a real mindset.  It is who you are.  Of course, unless it is not who you are and you just want to put on the submissive role when it suits you.  That’s fine too.  See, I told you, take all advice with a grain of salt.  No one will kick you out of the kink club for just using it as an occasional escape and release. 

But — and this is Advice #3, — if it is more than just play acting, then it is important to have a Dom who understands how to feed and nurture your submissive mindset.  This can be extremely difficult.  You don’t need a good Dom, you need the right Dom.  If your Dom is a newbie too, you are on the right path if your Dom is open to learning some Dom basics, and open to feeding and nurturing your mindset.

MY ADVICE TO DOMS
Although an infraction in the D/s rule book, I, a submissive, am going to give some advice to Doms.  Hey, they aren’t my Dom!  If this offends you, then just consider it my advice to submissives regarding what they should look for in a Dom.   Better?  

Advice #1:  For me the biggest thing for a Dom to learn and understand is that consistency is absolutely required.  Whatever the rules are, they need to be consistently applied.  A good submissive wants to please their Dom.  The submissive spends a lot of energy on concentrating on the rules.  The submissive makes every effort to excel at their tasks and do an excellent job everyday.  It really sucks when a Dom is nonchalant about a rule that a sub is heavily invested in and trying hard to focus on.

Advice #2:   Or perhaps it is 1a.  Whatever.   Make sure the rules you have are actually important and have meaning to the submissive.  Of course, the caveat to that is you may have a sub who enjoys random rules that only serve the purpose of displaying the control you have over them.  If that’s the case, fine.  Again, grain of salt.

But for me, especially early on, it was extremely important that every rule had a special meaning to me, the submissive.  Every rule was tied to addressing a behavior that I wanted to adopt, change, improve, or eliminate.   It wasn’t until later that one of the behaviors I wanted to adopt was serving Mike in the manner he wanted to be served, independent of whether it addressed a behavior I wanted to address.  I guess the better way to put that is that the behavior I wanted to address was behaving more submissively to Mike’s will.  But I had to evolve to that.  My DD would not have lasted long if Mike had imposed the things in the beginning that he imposes now.  I would have dropped DD in a heartbeat.

And if my DD never evolved past the more selfish form that was all about me and my needs, that’s okay, as long as it continued to satisfy both me and Mike.   So again, no right or wrong way to kink, as long as you are getting the satisfaction you seek. 

MY GOLDEN RULE OF DD – ADVICE TO BOTH DOMS AND SUBS
Make sure both of you recognize the effort and performance of the other.  

  • For the Dom, it means giving praise.  
  • For the Sub, it means giving thanks. 

When a Dom praises the sub it helps reinforce the importance of the task.  It shows it is important to the Dom, thus is becomes even more important to the sub.  It shows it has meaning to the Dom, which gives it an even deeper meaning to the sub.  Thus, it feeds the submissive nature of the sub.

When a sub thanks the Dom, it helps reinforce consistency in applying the rules.  This can be especially important for a new Dom who doesn’t want to come across as a hard ass or mean-spirited.  The Dom needs to know the sub appreciates the discipline that was administered, as it shows the discipline had meaning to the sub, which gives it an even deeper meaning to the Dom. Thus, it feeds the dominant nature of the Dom.

This giving praise/giving thanks is always important, but even more so early on when both people are new to their roles, still finding themselves, and trying to understand the needs of the other.  Giving praise/giving thanks help address the insecurities and even embarrassment that both Dom and sub are likely to have when first starting out.  Being successful with your kink requires you to be vulnerable.  Praise and thanks go a long way to build confidence to be vulnerable to your partner(s).  

That’s it.  Those are my top tips!   Happy kink!

NEXT: 159. Follow the Leader