Adding to my blogging distractions is that I am volunteering again at an animal rescue and rehab. I’ve done this off and on in the past, and have started again with some fervor. I’ve been going several times a week and sometimes on the weekend. Of course, I have to complete all my chores still, but a little re-arranging of the schedule, with Mike’s approval, makes it all work.
I think I needed some different “me” time. It can’t all just be masturbation and blogging (not that I’ve let my volunteering keep me from the former, hee-hee). In addition, I’ve got some new friends with whom I’ve been spending some time with. Not a lot of time (and nothing sexual), but enough to further reduce my internet time. I am anxious to write about them as there is a kink element to things. But I first want to share something that has come up as part of our changes to our current Agreement set to expire in about a month.
Codifying your expectations with your spouse is such an amazing experience. Whether or not those expectations resemble DD, D/s, or strictly vanilla, it is an incredible experience that everyone should do. Imagine the benefits of a scheduled and focused opportunity to reflect and share your hopes and desires, both for yourself, for the other, and collectively for your relationship. The word “amazing” doesn’t do it justice.
Our renegotiation is also an opportunity to think about any changes we’d like to see. One of the things that came to mind for me was that I would like Mike to be more harsh with his lectures.
EARLY YEARS OF DD
Wow. We’ve been doing this for four years now, so I can start to think in terms of “early” and “later” years of my journey. That sound so cool to me! I had no idea when I started if this was truly a lifestyle for me or just a phase.
For the first two years of our DD journey, lecturing wasn’t a “thing” for us. Mike might have made a brief statement about what I did, but it was far short of an actual lecture or scolding. As part of our last contract (Oct 2017), I asked, and Mike agreed, to take on the responsibility to lecture me as part of my discipline.
At first, a good scolding could sometimes bring me to tears, even before the spanking. Not so much anymore. Not because Mike’s lecture skills are lacking, but, after two years, it’s hard to not sound routine or predictable. Also, Mike takes care to never come close to sounding demeaning. It can be a fine line between humbling someone and humiliating them, or shaming them versus degrading them. Every morning I remind us both of this via my Morning Mantra.
The challenge is the line between those things is indeed fine. It can even move depending on context and mood. Clearly, there are those that find my entire dynamic humiliating and degrading, unfair, and unhealthy. And like many “lines,” you sometimes don’t know where they are until you actually cross them. You sometimes don’t know your acceptable limits until you’ve breached them.
We’ve found our limits with the physical discipline and other aspects of my submission. Our annual Immersion is one way we test and explore limits. We also have simply talked to make sure we stay calibrated in the level of discipline that feeds and fulfills my submission while also being fulfilling to Mike. But — we seemed to left out doing this with lectures.
The lectures I’ve received from Mike have always been more fact-based — You did x, you should know better…” Also, he tends to position his words as failures in meeting my own expectations…”You know you want to be better than that.” Some of that is baggage from our early-DD days where I needed the discipline to be focused on what was important to me. It was my-DD, my way.
It was only through the recent discussions that we had this collective epiphany regarding lectures. Our last renegotiation was very much about formally moving our DD from DD that is MINE towards being DD that is FOR ME; however, we didn’t really do that with the lectures.
I think that is because the lectures were a new topic for us. I’ve realized that when we are trying something new regarding TTWD, I need to feel more in control and for it to be about being MINE before I am comfortable giving Mike free rein to determine what is FOR ME. Yes, I’ve said it before, at my core, I am a bit selfish, which may be surprising to hear from a submissive. It’s time to put the “lecture” into the same realm as we’ve put the other aspects of TTWD. I shared with Mike that I would like him to feel completely unrestrained in his scolding of me. Let the expletives fly!
Just kidding. Mike is not really much of a cusser, but the point is, I want him to feel free to take it where he wants. My more specific request is to make it more about him – his disappointment and his expectations, than about mine. And sure, he can test the waters with some more derogatory terms and expletives if it suits him. It won’t be entirely new to him. He’s always been more stern in his lectures with Kayla. I’ve used that as a baseline and suggested, “Similar to your lecturing Kayla, but push it little further.”
Mike was supportive, as he always is with “Jen’s craziness.” But he did share that of all the things in our DD journey, he found the lecture to be difficult for him.
It took him a little time to adjust to spanking me and disciplining me in general, but he believes the lecture is a unique disciplining tool. He said,
“With a spanking, it is easy to understand and learn how to avoid crossing over from a bruise to a wound. But with words? It is difficult to know which ones may be bruising and which ones may be wounding.”
He added, “Unlike a spanking, where there are visible marks or body flinching or other signs that it is too much, what of a harsh scolding?”
He also pointed out the emotional component was very different. Physical discipline, or even the non-physical things such as corner time, writing lines, or loss of privileges – have an element of emotion, but words… they are 100% emotional. As such, a scolding can be a land mine where a bruise suddenly becomes a wound.
WHAT WE AGREED
Mike made the observation that we need to treat a scolding just like a spanking or other forms of discipline. That is, I have safe words to use. “Yellow” if I need him to pause or “Red” if I need him to stop.
Also, we have some PUAT coming up. What’s that? It’s Prolonged Uninterrupted Adult Time. Think of it as an opportunity for a mini-Immersion. T1 offered to have J stay with them a few days during spring break. J loves spending time on their farm and has E’s cousin’s and their kids to hang with. The farm is becoming a bit of a second home for J. And it isn’t just because he gets to spend time with L (the daughter of E’s cousin, who lives next door). Although I suspect that’s a part of it.
Okay, so PUAT will be in just two weeks. So while we will crank up various aspects of TTWD, we will also push and explore boundaries regarding the verbal scoldings. So indeed, let the expletives fly! hee-hee.