Tag Archives: abstinence

371. So long to SEX?: Submissive Wife

My “free reign” over my O, mentioned in my previous post, ended December 8. Six full days of diddling to completion. . . assuming my chores were done, and I can’t think of any better motivation to complete them as quick as possible!

I wanted to test myself to see how long I could go without an orgasm. The first time I touched myself the arousal meter skyrocketed. I immediately say, “F-that!” to any thoughts of not getting to O – and O I did!! Between masturbation and sex with Mike and/or Kayla, I averaged four O’s a day during those six days. Impressive by my standards!

Mike then informed me my “free reign” was over. That means back to our Orgasm Control (OC) and Abstinence and Edging (A&E) routine. No sex without permission, including masturbation, and no O without permission. For now Mike has prescribed edging three times a day. He sometimes changes this up without notice, so tomorrow it could be complete abstinence, and he will throw in an orgasm here or there. That’s part of the, dare I say, “fun.” Not knowing what tomorrow holds regarding my sexual release.

I shared more about the impact OC & A&E have on me in 352. JuNO: The Big “No.” I won’t repeat myself, but suffice to say after getting to ZERO during NOvember, my DSAS (Default Sexual Arousal State) sits at about a 2 on a scale of 1-10. Once again I can say that when I am not horny, I am still a little horny.

PROLONGED ABSTINENCE?

Mike threw this bomb out there. “Jen, what do you think if I put you on extended abstinence, like three months or more?”

My first reaction was that perhaps he was just kidding, or just curious how I would react.

Rule-check regarding answering questions from Mike. I am required to give direct answers and not answer with a question and most definitely never answer with a “Whatever you want.” “Whatever you want” is a given in our relationship. When he asks me a question it is because he expects an answer. One caveat is that AFTER I have answered, I can ask a question if it is intended to help me better understand the question.

My answer — “My initial reaction is I would not like it. I am always willing to try things, sometimes just for the sake of exploring, and sometimes because we believe there will be some direct benefit. In this case, I am open to exploring it. Again, I don’t think I will like it, but I didn’t think I would like NOvember either, and it was a great experience, so much so that I don’t dread the next one. Three months sounds daunting, but I am intrigued and curious how, and IF, I could handle i.”

He said, “Okay, I am not saying we will do that. At this point I was just curious about your thoughts.”

And that was that.

I shared this with a fellow submissive that emails me on occasion. While also submissive, she was concerned for me (hey, not all submissives are alike). “Does that mean he isn’t interested in having sex with you?” “Sure, he gets to have all the sex he wants with Kayla or others, so he’s satisfied.” “Are you just some robot slave that doesn’t need to be sexually stimulated?” And there was more, and I am sure many of you can think of other things that should cause me to be concerned.

Honestly, NONE of those things concern me. If he did impose extended abstinence or denial, then so be it. If that is what he wants, by default, it is what I want. I trust that he is doing it because it fulfills him and thus, it fulfills me. Things that express his control and dominance automatically have a benefit to me. That’s just how my mind works. And while I wouldn’t choose extended abstinence, if he choose it for me, I accept.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have a preference. My preference is to have sex when I want and orgasm when I want. While we are at it, I also prefer to be lazy sometimes (more often than not). I would prefer forgetting about household chores, doing nothing, and indulging myself.

But that’s the path to the pre-DD Jenny. My biggest preference of all, that supersedes my self-indulgent preferences, is a preference to submit to my husband. Not out of some sense of duty or obligation, but because that is where I get the greatest fulfillment. So in an only-in-a-submissive-mind kind of way, not being self-centered is being self-centered. My mind, my heart, and my soul, are fulfilled when I submit to my husband. I am a submissive wife!

There are parts of NOvember that I miss. I haven’t felt the same about orgasms since then. Don’t get me wrong. I like them, they feel great, and I wouldn’t object to more of them. But, I think a year of OC and the full month of abstinence has re-wired my brain. I don’t think of my personal sexual climax about being mine. My orgasms are his, for him, from him, and about him. It now seems a bit selfish to orgasm just for me. And the longer he makes me wait to give him my orgasm, the better it feels when he does.

And, while it’s strange and still foreign to me, I admit, there is joy even in the waiting. Joy in waiting, and joy in cumming. And the greater the former, the more amazing the latter.

Geesh! I’ve gone full-on submissive! Okay, so I am slow. I am sure most of you are like, “Jen, you’ve been full-on submissive since day one.” But for me, this is big. It’s something I never even knew existed within D/s, and never would imagine I would try, let alone enjoy.

It’s a bit humorous to me. The pre-DD Jenny couldn’t relate in any way, shape or form. Not to DD, not to D/s, and definitely not to Orgasm Control. But then again, pre-DD Jenny was more unsettled, anxious, irritable, and stressed.

Even after 5+ years, I continue to revel in my evolution during my DD journey! What will I learn over the next five years that can bring me joy in ways I’ve never imagined?

NEXT: 372. Kayla Shufflebottom

352. JUNO: The Big “no”

We celebrated five years of Domestic Discipline on March 17. It was March 17, 2015 that we signed our first DD contract. It was very simple and good for 30 days. After a successful and interesting first 30 days, we felt more confident in what we both wanted and decided on a new contract, this time for six months. At that end of that six months we were feeling like professionals and committed to two years of DD. I shared that first two-year contract here.

When that contract ended we did one with a 17 month term as we were feeling sentimental about March 17. We wanted all future renewals to be on our DD anniversary. Aren’t kinky couples sweet?!?!

And our current contract runs from March 2019 to March 2021. I can’t believe it is less than a year away!

I mention this because I feel our contract is a significant reason why we have been successful in our DD. I define success by the level of fulfillment, joy, and harmony it has brought to us – individually and as a couple. It’s brought an abundance of all three!

STEADY AND STABLE
Some time ago we reach a period of stability in our dynamic, where there are not many dramatic new facets to what it means for me to submit to my husband. Our March 2019 contract was not that different from the October 2017 version. We both found a level of DD that felt right for both us, and it is all now a reflex, a routine, a part of us, without much thought or effort.

There was one recent development I think I mentioned but did not go into detail, and that is the addition of Orgasm Control.

ORGASM CONTROL — The big “nO”
It started about mid-December. Mike asked me one day what I thought about it. None of our friends within our Circle of Trust have it in their TTWD. While we had both read about it in other blogs, we never gave any consideration to incorporating it in our dynamic. So when he asked me, I honestly hadn’t thought about it as something we could do, or should do.

My views on it were that is sounded silly to me, a silly game that I didn’t connect to in a submissive sort of way. I have a lot of sex, and masturbate a lot, pretty much a daily cummer (and multiple ones at that)!! Why would I give that up? Why would I put Mike in control of when I could orgasm and when I could not?

And the way the concept of edging is portrayed also seemed ridiculous to me. It’s often portrayed as a way to get a woman to a state of feeling constantly needy, ready to go on any sexually adventur at a moments notice, their brain feeling warm and fuzzy at all times, yearning for sexual release. It is often portrayed as a way for a woman to demonstrate sexual selflessness, keeping them focused on the sexual pleasure of others. Further, for some that focus is not just prioritized over their own pleasure, but at the total exclusion of their own pleasure. It’s a mindset that orgasm is simply better when someone else decides when you can have it and it is never your own personal goal without permission. It’s just one more part of your obedience and submission. And finally. . . for some, it’s a mindset that good girls don’t cum unless told they can do so.

Why would I, a sex charged daily cummer, ever want that?

But I did!

It was one of those things that attracted me simply because it didn’t attract me. I know that doesn’t make any sense, but as I stated, my submission has been on a pretty even keel for a long time. The thought of doing something new, especially something that didn’t sound inviting, was the perfect thing to tickle my submissive spot. So I informed Mike I was in, if that is what he wanted.

Mike said he asked me because he was curious, but given my enthusiasm for wanting to give it a go, he made the decision that yes, we would incorporate that into TTWD. And Kayla was included in this edict.

Six months into it and all I can saw is WOW!!!!!

A&EABSTINENCE AND EDGING
Along with giving Mike full control over when I am allowed to orgasm, he also instituted Abstinence and Edging (A&E). Thus there have been extended periods of no sexual activity, or very limited sexual activity, peppered in with times of being highly aroused but not allowed to go over the edge to orgam, aka, “edging.”

I never understood the concept . . . UNTIL NOW! A&E coupled with the fact that I was submitting my O to him totally put me in an altered mental state, sexually speaking. I am hornier than ever and much more easily aroused and excitable. I sometimes crave sex in a way I never did before and I feel the cravings.

There is an ache in my hinterlands at times. Not a painful type ache. It’s hard to describe. I’d say a “burning” but that evokes feelings of a UTI, and it’s definitely not that. Just this aching to be touched, like my vagina is actually calling out to me, “touch me, touch me!” It’s a little painful, a bit distracting, but overall, very erotic and pleasurable, if that makes any sense.

So apparently, the way edging and orgasm control is portrayed is HIGHLY ACCURATE!

JUNO
Who knew there was an entire month dedicated to orgasm control? It was news to me. June is Juno! As in, no orgasm~



NIPPLEGASM

While I have always been fairly quick to orgasm, I almost always require clitoral stimulation to get there. Sometimes penetration will suffice if preceding by plenty of clitoral stimulation. Well, thanks to A&E I had my first orgasm from nothing more than nipple stimulation. And it was prolonged and intense!

Speaking of having to stop before completing the deed… or in this case, completing the post….

STUPID WORDPRESS

I would love to share the details of my nipplegasm, but this stupid new WordPress editor is getting me so frustrated that I am done writing for today. With the advances in technology you’d think any service would easily be able to enhance the user experience, not make it more difficult and less intuitive. Very frustrating. Thinking of quitting WordPress and moving to another platform.

NEXT: 353. On this date, March 153, 2020

188. The Cock Block (or is it Clam Jam?)

RooClam

I know this Michaud-wrinkle is a bit off topic regarding my DD.  But it isn’t off topic regarding my life.  It is very interesting to me and Kayla means so much to me.  I am happy she is allowing me to share all this.  It’s full of suspense, drama, and sexual intrigue!   And I am so excited for Kayla and impressed (beyond words…which means, here comes a bunch of words) with how she has handled it thus far.  Her handling of this really shows us that she has been listening to the things we have been trying to instill in her since she moved in.  Things like openness, strength, confidence, and honesty.  She’s nailing it! 

By the way – It is going to be about two weeks before all of us can get in to see the doctor and get our results.

IT STARTED WITH A QUESTION
“Sir, please know I heard what you said and understood and accept it.  You told me that there is to be no sex with Michaud and you would only allow kissing.  I am not questioning your decision and would like to know if anything has transpired such that you are willing to reconsider?”

There are times openness must be rewarded.  Times when trust and confidence between Dom and sub can be strengthened.  When a Dom leads best by knowing it is time to listen and understand, and not a time to punish.  

Kayla was trying to be very diplomatic.  It’s tough for a sub to walk the “disobedient” line.  Mike could have taken the “hard ass” response and disciplined her for asking him a second time.  Instead, he thanked her for respectfully posing this question.  Further, he praised her for her guts to ask him this as he knew it was difficult for her to do so. “Obviously this is important to you, so sure, let’s talk through it.”

THE REAL QUESTION
Mike then asked Kayla, “So, you want to have sex with him?”

Kayla said, “Honestly, yes Sir, but, that’s not my question.  I am not asking you to reconsider.  We will wait for the test results.  It is the other stuff…I mean, could we do more than just kiss?” 

Mike was true to form in getting down to what exactly was being asked.   He replied, “So you mean you want to say, give him a hand job or have him finger you, or fondle and suck your breasts?”

“Yes, sure, Sir,” she replied, “At least have the option.” 

Mike questioned, “Don’t you think the passion would lead to penetration or oral sex?”

Kayla quickly and confidently responded, “No, Sir.  I would not allow it.  And any shortcoming in my willpower is more than made up for in my obedience to you.  I am confident I can resist simply because you have prohibited it, Sir.”

“I believe you,” said Mike, “but, are you equally confident in Michaud’s willpower?” 

“I am confident he will listen to me,” she said in a hopeful tone.  That hopeful tone grew more commanding as she added, “And the fact he is willing to have the tests tells us he doesn’t have anything to hide and,” she added with declaration, “he said he would use a condom.”  Kayla’s voice had this “Yeah, what about THAT” sass to it. 

OOPS.  KAYLA EARNS A SPANKING
Mike responded with his “you’ve-crossed-the-line” voice.  “Kayla, you just said you agreed with me and were not asking me to reconsider the ‘no-sex’ edict.  Now your statement and your tone says otherwise.  We are supposed to be having a conversation not a debate where you try and find a ‘Gotcha’ moment.   We will finish this conversation and I will address your sassy tone when we are done.  Understood?”

“Yes, Sir, I am sorry,”  replied Kayla.

MIKES EDICT
Mike immediately flipped back to his calm and reassuring tone, “Kayla, you know both of us trust your judgment.  I trust that you can limit yourself to safer sexual activity, but even you said you don’t have complete confidence in Michaud.  And him agreeing to take the test is not the same as actually having the test.  He hasn’t had it yet, has he?  And, maybe he isn’t aware of something he has.  And why would he even bring up using a condom if he wasn’t trying to undermine what you already told him about waiting?  I am curious, what prompted you to even ask me this question today?”

“Well Sir, he invited me to his apartment after we made out by my car today.  It was pretty clear to me I wouldn’t be going over to watch Netflix.  I told him I could not come over as we had to wait for the lab results.  If it wasn’t clear already that we were talking about sex, his response made it very clear.  Michaud said ‘Come on, I’ll use a condom, and we don’t even have to have sex-sex.  Can’t we at least just mess around?’  So yes Sir, this is why I am asking.”

I asked Kayla, “So what was your response to Michaud when he said that?”

“I told him I promised you and Mike that there would be no sex until we had the results and there was nothing that would make me break that promise.”

“And then what did he say,” I asked.

“He said okay, he understood.  And then he added that the anticipation would just make it all the better.”

Mike stated, “So even after you told him you can’t come over he tried to justify his request by saying he would use a condom.  In other words, he still tried to influence you to say yes?” 

“Yes, Sir,” she said with disappointment, “I guess he did.”

Mike, always the one to avoid ambiguity, said, “No guessing about it. Whether it was his intent or not, it was an attempt to manipulate.  As if he expected you to say, ‘Oh, well, a condom, then sure, let’s go!’  Tell you what Kayla.  You are 23, and fully capable of making this decision on your own.  I know what advice I would give you if we were just friends.  I also know what command I would give as your Dom.  Do you want my advice, or do you want my command?” 

She hesitated.  As she later explained it, not because she was unsure of the answer, but it took her a moment to process the question.  As soon as it clicked what she was being asked, she answered, “Dom.  Always my Dom, Sir.  Please, I will abide by your command.” 

Mike thanked her for her trust and confidence and added, “I don’t believe it serves any useful purpose to play with fire.  You can continue the public affection of kissing or even holding hands, but the answer is still no on any sexual activity.  You also are not to go to his apartment until I tell you.”

KAYLA EARNS A CONCESSION
It was clear she was disappointed, but she understood and accepted his order.  But she very squeamishly added, “Sir, I thank you for allowing this conversation and I again commit to following your orders as always.  To make sure there is no miscommunication, I do have one more question as a point of clarity, and not questioning your command. Does sexting, phone sex, or cam-sex count?”

Mike thought for moment, then for another, and then another. 

Then he said, “Sorry for the pause.  I’ll just think it out loud so you know my thought process on this one.  My inclination is to say yes, that counts so don’t do it.  But, to be honest, I think I am feeling that way only because I can, because, well, you do as I say.  But, such things don’t put us at risk, and doesn’t put you at risk of any STD.  And if I trust your judgement that your relationship with him is ready for that, then what’s my reasoning?  I do trust your judgement.  If you feel you want to do those things, I won’t prohibit them.”

A very happy Kayla responded with a hug and “Thank you, Sir.”

MIKES CONDITIONS
“However,” Mike added, “our house rules prohibit secrecy in the house.  Just like I can access and read your emails, texts and social media accounts today, your relationship with Michaud is no different.  You must show me your texts when I ask for them and any phone calls, whether sex talk or not, and any cam-sex, shall not be done in secret.  While you don’t have to go out of your way to tell us what you are doing, you won’t go out of your way to hide those activities.  Unless J is awake, your bedroom door and bathroom doors remain open.  Neither Jenny or I will make it a point to listen in or watch, but what you do in this house is never hidden and is subject to my inspection or observation at any time.”

“And,” Mike added, “you need to tell Michaud that I am requiring the “no sex until tests are in” rule and I am allowing the sexting/phone sex/cam-sex.  If your relationship with him is ever going to work he will need to understand your commitment to me.  No need to delay that understanding.  Make it clear to him that you won’t have sex with him right now as a commitment you’ve made to me.  Further, if there are any actions that you do that are because of my demands, you need to share that with him.  Don’t sugar coat it by making it seem to be your choice or your preference.  If it is something I demand, then you explain it to him that way.  If he can’t handle that, then it will be good for you two to deal with that right now instead of later.  If he can handle it, well, then that’s a great sign that your relationship has a clear runway for take off.

“Thank you, Sir,” Kayla smiled, “I can do that.  I will do that.” 

“Now,” as Mike’s tone became stern, “About that sass from earlier…”

KAYLA TALKS WITH MICHAUD
Kayla talks with Michaud every day and texts incessantly.  Even when they don’t have class together they get together for lunch or dinner and a movie. 

Kayla said she is encouraged by their conversations regarding Michaud’s ability to handle her being in a relationship with us plus her submissiveness to Mike — the latter being the bigger challenge.   Michaud is still a bit perplexed by it, but seems to be trying to understand it.   He seems very enamored and intrigued with Kayla and her lifestyle choices, but that could quickly wear off if there relationship gets more serious.  

Kayla told him that it was Mike’s demand of her regarding ‘no sex until labs are in but sexting and cam are okay.’  Kayla said this prompted more conversation with Michaud on exactly what role Mike fulfills for her.  And there was the natural and expected comment from Michaud of, “Well, would you do those things for me?”  

Kayla was clear she would not.  She told him she would not consider having multiple Doms.  She told Michaud she wants him for him; a friend, a confidant, and yes, a lover too.  All the things “normal” to a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship.   The twist is such things would not be exclusive.  She told him, “Mike and Jen are those things for me too, and that won’t change.”   And she told Michaud that if it helps, think of Mike somewhat as “a heavily influential and strict parent whom I love, adore, respect, and never want to disappoint.”   (btw, Mike was okay with this description).

Further, Kayla told Michaud that it is a deal breaker if he does anything to attempt to undermine Mike’s authority over her.   She told him such undermining, such as encouraging misbehavior, would end their relationship.  She told him she doesn’t expect or need him to be a cheerleader for it, but he must be tolerant of it and never attempt to undermine. 

I copied this from one of her texts to him.   

KAYLA:  It’s not a contest.  I need Mike as my Dom and I want you as my boyfriend.  Hopefully those things are compatible.  if not, we can’t continue.  😦  If this seems too complicated, I understand.  No hard feelings.  I don’t want to scare you away, but I don’t want to lure you in under false pretenses.  You are going to have to put up with some weird relationship shit that is unlike any you put up with before.  I am telling you now that whatever those shit situations are, they will never be a reflection of any shortcoming you have as person or a boyfriend.  They are a reflection of my need to be submissive to Mike.

MICHAUD:  You are already giving me the “It’s not you, it’s me” speech?   j/k.  I get it. You just being real.  I like that.

KAYLA:  LOL.  yeh somethin like that.  In other words, I am the weird one, not you.  So if you like weird, here I am, but then don’t complain about the weirdness

MICHAUD:  Not weird, just different.  Different good.  Can I complain just a little?  

KAYLA:   I am not telling you that you can’t have feelings.  jealousy, betrayal and crap like that.  understandable.  I want you to share those feelings the moment you feel them.  lets address them.  But sharing isn’t complaining if done right.  Just ask questions from a loving place, not judgmental or frustrated place.

MICHAUD:  That shouldn’t be too hard, cuz I love you.

KAYLA:  Good, you’ll need lots of love to deal with this.  And I love you for giving me a chance and being such a great guy.

MICHAUD:  You make it easy to love you.  At least so far— ha. But I get it.  I’ll let you know if it gets hard. 

KAYLA:  I appreciate that you think you get it for now.  But you probably won’t until you live it.  Love you for that. 

MICHAUD:  Love ya too

KAYLA:  Cam? 

Next: 189. Happiness, Pleasure, Love, Intimacy, Sex: Jenny rambles