35. Calisthenics of Doom (and a tease on more to come).

I have a lot to share from our 10-day M/s immersion, so much so that I am not sure where to start. I will say that there was one element of what we did that I found the most horrific. Horrific in the sense of it being dreadful, pushing the envelope on what I would allow. Horrific in that it was shocking to me that Mike came up with it (and John and Donna went along with it), venturing into embarrassment and teetering on disgraceful. However, in the end though, like most things, within a few days I got used to it and while still shocking, it became routine.   What was is that Mike had me do? Well, I will just tease you for now and leave it at that, and share the specifics on another post. For one, I still need to build up the nerve to share it.

So, what I will share today is this less disconcerting aspect of our fun – two new punishment techniques.

By the way, while I still occasionally refer to my punishments as “rewards” and we still follow our Reward protocol per our Contract, I pretty much always just refer to them as punishments now. I think the term has lost the stigma I previously attached to it. Actually, after our immersion, pretty much everything lost its’ stigma with me. I am now far less sensitive about the words I use to describe TTWD. Perhaps I shouldn’t be as words are power (as I’ve mentioned on several posts).  I have wanted you to be able to understand my perspective on things and thus have tried to be careful with my words so that they convey the meaning I want to convey to you.  Call it lazy, as at this moment I am not wanting to invest in finding the perfect words to use.  I prefer to call it confidence – as I am less concerned about people misconstruing some element(s) of TTWD.  Anyway, it’s a bit of futile effort as we all attach different meanings to words, even the ones I diligently select.

Enough babbling.  Here’s the fun stuff –

So Mike came up with this “push up” position for certain spankings. He would strike me as I would assume the position as if I was doing a push up. If my knees touched the ground, he would start over. My arms got quite a workout. That’s one way to build upper body strength!   This position is now part of our repertoire to be used as Mike sees fit – and lately it is a favorite of his.

Then there is the dreaded “I-don’t-know-what-to-call it.” Perhaps, “the jumping jacks of doom?” He got me these new nipple clamps that are more like clips that have very heavy ends to them. I start out with “earning” 100 strokes and then have to try and do 10 jumping jacks without hesitating or stopping. For each one I do, 10 strokes are removed from the punishment. I never made it past 5 jumping jacks. Those clips start to really tug and burn, even after just one jump. Mike has become deviously creative!  Luckily we put the use of this one on hold as my nipples adjust to their new piercings.

I’ll end by sharing a bit about how Mike handled the immersion.  He handled it beautifully. I was clear to him up front that I wanted him to feel completely free to do and try anything and that if there was any moment where he thought I would be mad at him, he should remember that I promised him, in advance, that I would not ever be mad.  If he had a moment of doubt I asked him to think of me on his shoulder saying, “Yes, Mike, I want you to try that.”  The only hard limit I put on him was that scat was off limits. I felt silly telling him that but, not only did I mean it, but I think actually giving him a boundary, as far out as it was, was helpful for him to understand that everything else was acceptable to me. Beyond that one hard limit, the only limits were his imagination and my threshold for pain.

Next – 36. Vocabulary Lesson:  Fetch the Rubber Paddle

34. M/s immersion complete

Immersion complete!

I don’t know where to start or what to share first.  I believe it will take many posts to share some of the ups and down of our foray into a Master/slave dynamic.

To summarize, it was exhilarating and exhausting, arousing and mundane, sensible and absurd.  While always in the veil of serving Mike, it also had moments of self-absorption and self-reflection.  Overall it was a positive experience and I am glad we did it.

I learned that M/s is not for us; however, there are elements we are taking back to what now appears to us as our tame and “normal” domestic discipline arrangement.

I’ll share some specifics on future posts but want to share now that the most surprising part of it for me was how physically demanding it was.  I had thought of quitting at one point as I was just exhausted.  I was trying hard to not show my fatigue but Mike could clearly see it.  The night of day 7 he allowed me to take a warm bath, (all bathing prior to this was with cold water).  He then put me to bed early and put a blindfold on me, put on some sound effect app that played the sound of water rushing through a river, and he turned out the lights.  In addition to going to bed early, I got to sleep until I woke up on my own.  That rest and lovely gesture was just the medicine I needed as I was ready to take on the last three days with a full head of steam.

As a tease, some of the more interesting stories were when we needed a plumber and Mike made me stay naked during the service call, or some of the things Mike and John worked out regarding me and Donna, or our attending two FetLife functions, or the several new toys/implements Mike surprised me with.  Mike also came up with two new punishment techniques, both of which are easily at the top of my least favorite list.  Also, I will share the things we are taking into our daily DD routine/rules.  Lastly, we “celebrated” the end of the immersion with getting my nipples pierced, which also has a fun story attached (although not as salacious as I had hoped it would be).

We have a few days to mentally and physically re-set and our son will be back home. Given that it is summer, our DD and TTWD will occur less frequently since our son will mostly be home.  DD is so inconvenient, but Mike and I have already devised a plan to make sure we don’t ignore it.

Next: 35. Calisthenics of Doom & a Tease 

33. Reason=Conclusions. Emotions=Fulfillment.

Just a quick post as soon my parents are picking up my son for a two-week stay with them. Mike and I are eager to begin our M/s immersion!   Mike has been sharing the rules for our immersion with me so I can be prepared and suffice to say, I am excited. There are some things that are quite shocking for me and that will be very uncomfortable (not just physically, but emotionally), but I am eager to please and willing to try everything he has laid out thus far. It seems so odd that the more I submit to Mike, the more I want to submit. It feeds on itself.

I’ve shared some of the reasons I believe are behind this in posts like Quick Reflections. I have another quick thought on why this has been so fulfilling for me. I have always tended to be more “reason-based” in my thinking. I would think through the various angles and then arrive at a conclusion. “Reason” is good that way. It results in conclusions.

One of the best rules of our DD is that I share everything and share it immediately, including my thoughts, dreams, and desires. The result is I am thinking more freely, thinking and sharing more on emotion, sharing what I am feeling in that moment, without any filters of “reason.”  I have found it liberating to share those thoughts. What I’ve found is that while “reason” is a good way to arrive at a sound conclusion, it is “emotion” that leads to fulfillment and action.

It is emotion that reveals the essence of who you are. Sharing that essence with Mike, and having him accept it and reciprocate that sharing is at the heart of why this has been so rewarding to me.

Okay, enough of my esoteric ramblings. It’s time for my immersion to begin. I may not post for a while. Mike has said no posting (or even asking for posting time) unless he specifically tells me to do so.

NEXT: 34. Immersion Complete

32. Appreciate, Follow, Obey, Please, Serve.

I’ve re-written this post several times before publishing. I’ve gone from wanting to share my thoughts and plans for next week (it starts Wednesday) to wanting to share nothing. It’s an odd feeling. I’ve shared a lot in my posts, but for some reason I don’t feel like sharing much about what’s going on at this moment. It’s like I want what Mike and I are about to embark upon to be just ours – no one else’s.   It’s not due to any sense of shame (I have none), or from fear (I have some, but that’s not why). It’s just I want this to be ours, and ours alone.   Maybe I’ll feel differently when it is over.

Anxiety Soup
I will share a few things. I am feeling a bit of anxiety soup. . . excitement with a dash of fear, peppered with anticipation and anxiousness to get started.   And it isn’t the type of fear as in a fear from danger, but a fear in that perhaps it will not be what I hope it to be. I am trying to not think about what I hope it will be and simply just let it be.   A journey into the unknown, a test of limits, and exploration that will take me wherever it takes me, no expectations.

No Expectations
Okay, maybe some expectations.  I expect I will enjoy this, but also enjoy that it is only for 10-days.  I’ll be wanting it to end, not because I wouldn’t be enjoying myself, but after 10 days I will be ready to return to our “normal” DD lifestyle. My expectation is that we will take a few “nuggets” of what we learned in our experiment and apply them to our lifestyle going forward. The rest we will remember as a fond memory but not seek to repeat it. Like that once in a lifetime trip to Paris, except for the pain, degradation, and humiliation part.   Just kidding.   While we plan to go dark, I can never feel humiliated in front of Mike.   Intensely uncomfortable, perhaps a bit of embarrassment, but not degraded or humiliated. We have done a couple of “training days” (more like training “hours” because private time has been hard to come by lately) where Mike has subjected me to some of the rules that will be in place next week. There’s no consequences at this point, just reminders that certain behaviors are expected or no longer tolerated.   I will share a few of them, but most of the stuff I’m keeping between Mike and me, at least for now.

No Please
One thing I am having trouble with is that Mike said I cannot say the word “please.” He said that is a word of manipulation, as if I am pleading with him to try and influence him. I am simply to state whatever it is I may be asking, without saying please, else I will be punished. I also have to acknowledge everything he says, even if there is nothing for me to say, with a simple, “Yes, Sir.”  Think of it as a substitute for when you otherwise say, “Okay.” Also, I cannot speak to him until spoken to, period, no exception. That is really difficult. Couple of other things — I also am only able to drink tepid water, no ice and no other drinks.   I must ask permission for everything I do and there are certain things I am not allowed to do on my own.

FINAL SHARE
Because I am weird that way, we did write down these rules for our 10-day Immersion:

Without condition, hesitation, or any reservations;

  • Jennifer commits to Appreciate, Follow, Obey, Please, and Serve Mike both proactively and in response to any and all demands he makes of Jennifer.
  • Mike commits to Lead, Protect, Provide, and Decide for and on behalf of Jennifer for any all things that occur in every aspect of daily life.

Okay, that’s enough to share for now. If you want to know more, just let your imagination run wild   If you can think it, we are probably doing it, with very few exceptions:

6 more days to immersion!

NEXT: 33. Reason=Conclusions. Emotions=Fulfillment

31. June Butterflies – 10 day Total Power Exchange

I have butterflies in my stomach.  Not the anxiety driven type such as before a test or important presentation. Not the type you get from a great roller coaster ride. It’s the type that I haven’t felt since my first infatuation with a boy in middle school. The persistent tingle fueled by a constant adrenaline drip. The more I think about what is to come, the faster the drip. My heart beats faster, my mouth becomes dry, and my hands a little shaky and a bit damp.  These thoughts prime my sexual feelings and leave me in a constant heightened state of arousal. Any time I want I can orgasm in record time.

Two reasons for the butterflies.

  1. Social Event:  In mid-June Mike and I are going to a local event we found on FetLife. It’s a gathering of “like minded” folks to explore and share TTWD. It’s at a public place so should be filled with casual conversation.   I am very excited.
  2. Submissive Immersion: Mike and I are taking our DD up a notch (make that several notches), at least temporarily.  In mid-June my son is going to spend two weeks at my parents, which is customary during the summer. Our other son is attending summer sessions so won’t be home from college. That gives Mike and I some extended alone time

We decided on a 10-day submissive immersion in June.  A full M/s dynamic with total power exchange (TPE). That sounds ominous, and in some ways it is, but it is new for us, so I am sure our version of TPE will seem light compared to those that are TPE veterans.

I won’t list all the things that will be part of our TPE, partly because I don’t know what all Mike has in store for me, but also partly to just let your imagination run wild. Unlike our DD contract where much of it was my creation with Mike’s consent, our TPE stuff is mostly Mike’s creation with my consent, if you want to call it consent.  I went in with the mindset that I will agree to everything he comes up with. He has shared many ideas with me and I did not disagree with a single one – if anything I suggested some things that took his idea a bit deeper.  I wanted him to know he can go as deep and dark as he wants.  He has come up with some pretty wild and far out stuff, at least for us former vanilla-folks. Plus, he is free to ad-lib at will, so I can only imagine what kind of stuff he comes up with as we get into the later days of our immersion.

I told him this was about me serving him.  It is not about serving any of my needs.  As I shared before, much of our DD has been a bit selfish on my part where I set the rules and Mike carries them out. That just doesn’t work in an M/s dynamic. Knowing that these are things he wants to explore is what adds to my butterflies.  It excites me to truly serve him for his sake, not for mine!

It’s interesting for me to think back to just a little over a year ago, pre-DD. I would look at what we are going to be doing in Mid-June as insane at best, repulsive at worst. I had so many misconceptions about submissiveness – many that I am sure you have if you haven’t explored this lifestyle, or likely had before you explored this lifestyle.

Oh, and another thing I am excited about is that I am going to get my nipples pierced! Personally I was ambivalent about it but Mike told me to do it and that was sufficient for me. Knowing he wants it turned my ambivalence to excitement. I can’t wait to have it done. . . for him!

June is going to be fun!
Next: 32. Appreciate, Follow, Obey, Please, Serve

30. I found my thrill . . .

No, it wasn’t on Blueberry Hill, unless that is a new nickname for my buttocks!  Ha, you’ll never listen to the song the same!

I hope this post is not overly esoteric.  I try to get to the bottom of my feelings as it allows me to dismiss that feeling when I recognize it as petty or false or to own the feeling when it represents who I want to be or not want to be.  Well, I think I found a way to articulate why I get a thrill from submission.  Unfortunately, in typical Jenny style, it takes a lot of words to explain it.

I was reading an article called the Power of Openness and realized it could have been called the Power of Submission.   Much of the rest of this post is based on re-purposing the points (i.e., gratuitous copying) of that article to reflect how I connected my Submission with the concept of Openness.

As I look back at my life pre-DD, I realize I was living much of my life as an impartial observer.  I was in a constant rush to achieve my goals, pursue my dreams, and I was suffering from not having a free moment to myself.  I was overburdened and lived in constant stress.  What was important to me was truly unimportant in the scheme of things.  I thought I was living life, every moment, every day, but it was fake.  It was a hypnotic dream.

This dream was the consequence of how the mind works.  The article calls it the “nature of the mind.”  Once the mind has focused its attention on something, intention automatically appears to us.  “Intention” meaning purpose, aim, goal, or objective. Thus, for a goal oriented person as myself, when I take on something, intention appears to me in spades.  The intention will focus my attention, and by focusing, it must narrow my attention.  It narrows it down to a specific idea and narrows it further down to the specific desires and emotions connected with that idea.  At that moment, my life was no longer under my control, but under the control of the intention.

Put another way, I intended for my life to be x (and y, and z, and every other letter), therefore all my focus was on achieving x, and y, and z (and every other letter).   As such, my attention and focus, my entire consciousness, was obscured and narrowed.  This creates a tension as my alphabet soup of thoughts compete for top priority.  The “tension” of my intention made me have to use more of my energy to stay highly focused on my many specific goals.  The result was that my intentions took control over my actions.  I was not living, I was a slave to my intentions.

My actions were all part of my hopes that someday in the future, my intentions would become reality.  I would achieve my goals and would harvest the fruit of my efforts.  I could then rejoice and be free, having achieved some admirable hopes and dreams.   There are two errors with that thinking.

One is that assuming I did meet my goals, I sacrificed truly living and experiencing life along the way.  Is that really worth it?

The bigger error is that intentions are never-ending.  The hope of making intentions a reality was a futile hope.  It will never happen.  I simply replaced one goal with another as there were so many things I wanted to achieve in life.  All my energies and time are limited, so most of my goals are inaccessible for me.  Even when I reached one (and I reached many), very soon a hundred new ones vied for my attention.

The act of focusing on my intentions was hypnotic.  That hypnotic work locked me up in a prison of my desires and objectives.  That hypnosis made it impossible for me to consider accepting a state of submission.  I was loving life, or so I thought.  What a falsehood. Although I was unable to articulate it at the time, I now understand why that once I opened myself up to the idea of submission, the sense of falseness in my life came rushing in and I immediately knew that submission was my path to truth.

Full submission is a state of pure attention, which is not narrowed down by any kind of desire.  This level of consciousness is not focusing on anything, it does not aspire to get anywhere, it plainly and simply is here and now.

That is the source of my thrill about submission.  I feel free, I feel clarity, I feel connected, I feel a oneness, I feel an openness.    I am here.  I am present.  I am now.

In my state of submission the fire of desire is not burning in me, my glance is not blocked and obscured by various opinions and thoughts.  My hopes are now in ashes because after a great deal of suffering, I have finally realized that my hopes were the sources of my suffering.  The openness that I have been searching for was available to me from the beginning, it was just locked up behind the bars of my intentions.

This is where the article I mentioned ends, so I am left to connect more dots on my own.

MY HOPES IN ASHES?
It sounds sad that my hopes were the source of my suffering, but I believe the point is hope is just a feeling that weighs you down.  Hope is not a plan.  Hope is like a giant “maybe” weighing around your neck.  Action is where it is at.  Commitments, Duties and Obligations are not hopes.  I freed myself of hopes.  I don’t hope to do anything.  I just do.  And if I fail in my commitments, duties, and obligations, I have clear consequences.  Once I am served those consequences, the failure is immediately dismissed. It is behind me.  I am refocused on the here and now, no “hopes” to weigh me down.

For the author of the article, oneness is about total surrender of the physical, emotional, mental self.  It is a state of pure bliss.  Hmm, that’s how I see my submission.  I guess the unanswered question is whether or not submission in the DD sense or some other submissive “kink”, can provide the level and/or consistency of oneness the author is talking about?   Perhaps not.  We shall see.

I no longer mortgage my present for some elusive promise of the future.  Remember, even if a promise is fulfilled, it is immediately replaced with dozen new mortgages for a dozen new promises.  The more I think as a submissive, the more my mind is freed from my intentions.  As it becomes free, it craves even more freedom, thus my Sub Frenzy.  That freedom not only feels good on the inside, it brings with it a clarity of mind that allows me to live, every moment, every day.   I am more present as a wife, as a mother, as a sister, a daughter, aunt, cousin, friend, you name it.  I am living life.

Through my submission, I will no longer be a slave. I’d like to say “I am no longer a slave,” but I am not there yet.  As long as I have that craving, I am not fully free, I am not fully one.  Satisfying that craving is my new intention, and I can’t be free until I let that intention go.

And so my submission deepens.

NEXT – 31. June Butterflies – 10 Day Total Power Exchange

29. A girl has no name – a Submissive Frenzy

Your kinky ideas are needed.  Please read on.

As I watched the latest Game of Thrones episode I kept seeing examples of submission.  

  • The faceless men of Braavos have basically submitted to whatever mysterious order they are a part of.  As part of Arya’s initiation into the order, she must lose herself, and thus, must lose her name.  That’s pretty deep submission.  Of course the upside is you get to shape shift and assume any identity you want so you can be a ruthless assassin, but hey, we all got our kinks.  (This comparison makes me a tad uncomfortable as Arya is only 15 or 16 years old, but hey now, let’s move on).

  • The sect called the Sparrows are very much about submission as well.   They marched Cersei naked through the streets as part of her submission and atonement.  Their goal is to strip a person of everything that is false so that only the truth remains.  Hey, even the High Sparrow has his kinks.

  • The Knights of the Watch are also about acts of submission.  Those who “take the black” give up whatever life they previously had to live the rest of their life on the Wall.   Hey, even the Lord Commander has his kinks.

See a theme here?   I am seeing submission everywhere. 

I’VE GOT SUB FRENZY!
If you read my  last post you’ll know I am struggling with where I want my submission to lead me.   I was fortunate to read a blog about Sub Frenzy and I immediately recognized that is what I am going through.  It’s reassuring to know that it is normal, but that recognition doesn’t lessen the hunger inside of me.

Idea #1:
Mike and I talked about attending some social events in our area that we found on Fetlife.com.  Our thinking is that being around like-minded people and having me be submissive in a more public environment may satisfy my hunger.  That, and there is that opportunity of perhaps finding others I can “perform” for.  I definitely need to do something to satisfy my hunger for submission.

Idea #2
Another thought Mike and I are tossing around is a “submission immersion day.”   We’d make it a one time event on a weekend when our son is at my parents and then see if it should recur each month.  The idea would be to have a really intense 24-hour period of submission.  We’ve thrown around different ideas of what that might look like, and even got some feedback from John and Donna.    I am open to any suggestions if you have any.  Please share!

To give you an idea of where our minds are, here are some ideas we’ve been kicking around. 

  • I could be tied naked to our bed where I can’t move my arms or legs, I am blindfolded, and my ears are covered.  Perhaps earplugs and headphones playing white noise – just so I can’t hear what is going on around me.  Perhaps I am there for an hour or two and at any time Mike can come up and do whatever to me.  Spank, slap, pinch, insert, whatever.  And then he goes away and comes back again whenever.  The sensory deprivation along with the thought of not knowing what he’ll do or when already drives me crazy in a good way. 
  •  Other thoughts was that during our immersion day I would remain naked all day and if I come into a room that Mike was in I could only approach him on all fours and I can not speak at all to him until he gives me permission.

Any other ideas??  Please share?

Next: Post 30. I found my thrill. . .